Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the most effective books in the world about human relations if you want to improve your social IQ be more influential and improve your leadership skills then this book must be your Bible even though the book was written 84 years ago it is still applicable today and because of that it is one of the highest sold books in the world in this video I will summarize the entire book after watching the video you can say that you have read this book because it covers every single chapter and every bit of important information part one fundamental techniques in handling people chapter one don't criticize condemn or complain people don't criticize themselves for anything no matter how wrong they may be remember that people are creatures of emotion and they are motivated by their ego and pride criticizing people nearly always puts them on the defensive and they find ways for rationalizing their actions even family members of criminals frequently go into denial blaming the system instead of the person for the crimes criticism hurts a person's pride and sense of importance remember people can hold resentment for insults that can last a lifetime famous airplane test pilot Bob Hoover was flying back from an air show in San Diego when all of a sudden both of his engines cut out through some impressive flying he was able to land the plane saving those on board unfortunately the aircraft was badly damaged the reason for the harrowing engine failure was that the World War II propeller plane had been accidentally filled with jet fuel back at the airport Hoover saw the mechanic who had made the mistake the young man was in tears knowing how Furious Hoover must be over the loss of his expensive airplane and the danger posed to the three people on board so did Hoover yell at him scold him criticize him not at all in fact Hoover said that to demonstrate his faith in the mechanic Having learned his lesson he'd like the same mechanic to service his plane the next day the reason for Hoover's benevolence was perhaps that he knew something that psychologist B.F Skinner had discovered a long time ago that animals rewarded for good behavior will learn more effectively than those punished for bad behavior the same is true of people criticizing them won't encourage them to change their behavior because they're not primarily driven by reason but by emotion any weak person can criticize or complain it takes real character to understand and forgive chapter 2 give honest and sincere appreciation one of the strongest drivers of human behavior is the desire to be appreciated by others we all like being complimented and hearing that we're doing a good job some people even claim that all civilization ultimately rests upon the human desire to be important our craving for approval and praise makes us climb the highest mountains write novels and found multi-million dollar companies you don't need to give someone a fancy title to show your appreciation it's enough to use Simple phrases like thank you and I'm sorry while also giving sincere honest praise don't shower people with phony flattery or they will see right through it instead stop thinking about yourself for a moment and focus on the good points of the person in front of you also be sure to make the other person feel important to get into the right mindset try thinking like Ralph Waldo Emerson who said that every person he met was Superior to him in certain ways so there was always something to learn from and appreciate in other people or think about the Golden Rule treat others as you would like others to treat you so the next time you see a tired bored under-appreciated Service employee somewhere try to brighten their day with some appreciation leave little Sparks of appreciation during the day you'll be surprised to see how positively people react when their hunger for recognition is fed you'll soon become someone who mothers like and enjoy working with and best of all you'll have a positive impact on the lives of those around you chapter 3 appeal to another person's interest let's say you like cheesecake when you go fishing you don't string cheesecake at the end of your line you attach what the fish wants which is a worm why do you treat people any differently of course you're interested in what you want but no one else is everyone else is just like you we all want what we want the only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it every person in the world knows what they want and cares about what they get approach them from this direction before you speak pause and ask well can the other person get out of this even challenge yourself to not say anything about what you want show other people relentlessly that you want to help them the world is full of people who are self-seeking so the rare person who unselfishly serves others has an enormous advantage Andrew Carnegie had a sister-in-law whose kids never wrote letters back he met someone he could get a reply without asking for one he wrote letters at the end mentioning that he was sending a five dollar bill but omitting it sure enough they replied thanking him for writing and asking where the money was part two six ways to make people like you chapter one become genuinely interested in other people who is universally loved as friendly and approachable a dog they're always excited to see you and seem like you're the most important thing in their world showing interest in other people makes them feel important all of us like people who admire us people aren't interested in you or me they're interested in themselves every day for their entire life when you see a group photo whose face do you look at first remember you make friends much more easily by being interested in them than by trying to get them interested in you ask people about their background and their goals remember problems people are having and when you come across a solution share it with the person go out of your way to talk to people who are beneath your level employees who don't report to you service people Etc for people above your level Express a genuine interest in them their work and their advice they feel important when they can pass on the secrets of their success chapter 2 smile a smile says I like you you make me happy I'm glad to see you it's a message of Goodwill once upon a time a New York stock broker by the name of William B steinhardt decided to try something new on the author's advice previously a notorious Grouch who rarely smiled in his personal or professional life steinhardt committed to Simply smiling more by giving himself a pep talk in the mirror the morning his experiment began he began the day by greeting his wife with a smile then smiling at the doorman of his building then the cashier at the subway Booth then the Traders on the trading floor and his colleagues in the office the result people began smiling back at home steinhardt said that there had been more happiness in the first two months of the experiment than in the entire year before it what's more he found that at work complaints and grievances were easier to deal with winning him more Revenue than previously in short he was a richer happier man as the story shows a smile can go a long way if someone we've just met Smiles at us we tend to automatically like them the smile of a baby for instance immediately makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside as does seeing a dog wagging its tail out of sheer delight at seeing us so if you want to make yourself instantly likable to someone show them that you're happy to see them by smiling when they see how happy you are to meet them they can't help but be happy to see you too chapter three remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language a name is a person's identity it makes her unique among all others this is the principle I always ignored before and whenever I met someone new I would hear his name and after five seconds forget it and later on when I needed his name I would always excuse myself by saying I'm so sorry I'm so bad with names could you please repeat your name again after reading the book I noticed that this was a huge mistake when you remember another person's name it shows that you really listened and cared when you were talking using names reduces the barrier and makes other people feel more close to you these days when I meet someone I really pay attention to the first few seconds when they mention their names and instead of just saying nice to meet you I always say nice to meet you Tom by repeating the name I remember it better plus it makes the other person feel connected to me so next time when you go to the gym or somewhere else instead of saying Hi how are you today say Hi tamash how are you today you'll start seeing the difference saying the name is a subtle and welcome compliment forgetting it or misspelling it is a crippling mistake that suggests you don't care enough to get it right people pay loads of money to have their names remembered after they die naming buildings having Parks dedicated to their name Etc a business person who can't remember the names of his important clients is simply saying that he doesn't care about a big portion of his business Carnegie wanted to merge with a car company called Pullman when Carnegie mentioned that the new company would still be called Pullman Pullman became far more eager if you are having difficulties remembering the names then make sure you catch it when it comes up the first time in a conversation and ask for it to be repeated or even spelled out if needed then repeat it back to the person multiple times during the conversation finally when you are alone make some type of connection to remember it better chapter four be a good listener encourage others to talk about themselves a person's life is the most important life for that person a person's headache means more to him than a famine that kills a million people allowing someone to talk makes that person feel important and flattered everyone has gone through what they feel to be tough times and they like to talk about them if they've overcome them ask about this even better combine this with another tip which was give sincere appreciation and praise tell them how fascinating their stories are and how you wished you had their knowledge or experience when having a conversation most people are so preoccupied with what they themselves want to say next that they barely listen to the other person at all truly listening means making a conscious effort to give the other person your full attention and the benefits of this approach are substantial once the author attended a dinner party in New York where he met a botanist having never met one before the author listened to him for hours riveted by the descriptions of exotic plants and experiments later the botanist remarked to the host what an interesting conversationalist the author was but the thing is the author barely said anything at all he had merely been a good interested listener before reading the book I never paid attention to this principle whenever I was talking to someone I was always waiting for the person to finish talking so that I could change the topic to my interest areas or while the person was talking I was constantly thinking about the things I would say once the person finished and when that person was done I would unload the information that I thought was interesting chapter 5 talk in terms of the other person's interest using an earlier analogy why fish with cheesecake fish with the bait that the partner wants people are usually far more enthusiastic about topics they care about than ones only you care about before meeting someone research their interests thoroughly so you have a working knowledge of the field identify someone's major goals then talk about how you'll help them get closer to their goals for example my goal with this YouTube channel is to reach 15 000 subscribers in the next four months and in order to hit that Target if I come up to you and say guys please subscribe to my channel because I have a Target to reach then you probably wouldn't care that doesn't mean anything to you at all but instead if I can give you some useful information with this video add some positive value to your life and only after that ask you to subscribe and open the notification Bell in order to benefit for my future videos then there's a bigger chance that you would do it because if you are watching this video I'm assuming that you are interested in your personal growth and seeing my future videos might be interesting for you as you can see I didn't even mention my target I was talking about the benefits you will get chapter six make the other person feel important and do it sincerely almost all the people you meet feel Superior to you in some way let them realize in some subtle way that you realize their importance inversely avoid doing things that demean the other person and make them feel small or unimportant give praise without wanting anything from them merely to radiate happiness and lift them up this principle is a kind of recap of previous principles so I won't spend too much time on it part three 12 ways to win people to your way of thinking praise is well and good but what do you do when someone disagrees with you that's the next subject of How to Win Friends and Influence People in summary put aside your instinct to Fight Fire with Fire people don't like to be proven wrong they don't like to admit that they have to change their mind no matter how right you supposedly are they crave importance in correcting them insults their pride you think it's important that you're seen as the smartest person in the room but you'll be resented for this chapter one the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it arguing with another person does not really make much sense if you lose you lose the argument if you win the other person will resent you for having hurt their pride and you will still not have truly won them over and nine times out of ten the argument will only make the other person stay stronger in their point of view than they were before therefore the only solution is to avoid such disputes from the start when an argument starts distrust the first response that bubbles up in you as it's usually an instinctively defensive one and whatever you do control your temper listen to what your opponent has to say without resistance or protest and promise to carefully examine their thoughts try to find areas where you agree this will help reduce your opponent's defensiveness chapter 2 begin in a friendly way a hostile attitude just invites reciprocal hostility people don't want to change their minds they can't be forced to agree with you but they may be led to think about how to make an animal come to you do you chase after it snarling or do you offer food a drop of Honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall someone had a tough landlord who increased his rent instead of complaining about how this was unfair he talked about how much he appreciated the house and the way the landlord ran the building and how he would like to stay another year but couldn't afford it chapter 3 show respect for the other person's opinions never say you're wrong when attacked for being wrong people will defend their opinion to death they will lose sight of the main point hoping to find small exceptions that their assertion is true we form beliefs carelessly but then develop an irrational passion to defend them when anyone threatens to prove us wrong consider the story of how the author hired an interior decorator to make some curtains for his home afterward he was shocked by the size of the bill and when he mentioned the price to a friend she exclaimed that he had clearly been overcharged insulted the author defended his actions explaining that the high price was an indicator of quality but then when another friend dropped in and started to praise the same curtains this time the author admitted that he actually felt he had overpaid and regretted the purchase this positive approach disarmed him and he could freely admit his mistake you see whenever you tell someone they're wrong you're basically saying I'm smarter than you this is a direct attack on their self-esteem and they will want to retaliate because you're clearly disrespecting their opinions chapter 4 if you are wrong admit it quickly and emphatically once the author was out walking his dog Rex in a nearby Forest Rex liked to run free and so was not wearing a muzzle or leash Unfortunately they encountered a police officer who sternly told the author that this was illegal but that just this once he'd let them off with a warning the author obeyed but Rex didn't like the muzzle so pretty soon they returned to their old ways that's when the same officer caught them again this time even before the officer opened his mouth the author himself expressed how very very sorry he was and how unacceptable his misdeed was normally the officer would have probably been angry and handed him a fine but thanks to this upfront admission of guilt he did the opposite the officer began arguing that the little dog really wasn't hurting anyone accepted Carnegie's apology and let them continue on their merry way admitting your mistake helps because the other person is usually trying to feel important by criticizing you about your mistake but the moment you admit your guilt the situation completely changes now in order to feel important they can no longer attack you but rather have to show generosity by forgiving you this is exactly what made the police officer so lenient in the example so the next time you realize you're in the wrong admit it enthusiastically it will produce better results and you'll find it's actually much more enjoyable than having to defend yourself when the other person points out your mistake chapter 5 let the other person do a great deal of talking someone who disagrees with you will not pay attention to you while they are crying for their own expression so encourage them to express their ideas fully I'm sure you have seen arguments where neither person was listening to the other because they felt like their points were not being acknowledged by the other side so always resist the temptation to interrupt the person this is costly every time you do it imagine there's an empty bottle that fills as The person talks when she fills the bottle she becomes much more receptive to new thoughts before the bottle is full she feels unheard every time you interrupt you empty the bottle and she has to start again chapter six honestly try to see things from the other person's point of view if you were born in the same body as your partner had her experiences and saw the world through the same lens you would by definition arrive at the same conclusions consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own imagine looking outside from another person's body adopting this attitude is actually productive it will help you discover your partner's interests and articulate your argument to appeal to his interests for example put yourself in the interviewer's place do you think she enjoys the interview process and talking to tens of people she also hopes that the next person who walks inside is going to be the right fit she also wants to end the interviews change your perspective instead of seeing an interview as a meeting to solve your problem see it as a meeting to solve another party's problem if you focus on their problems and explain how you will solve them then your problem will be solved as well chapter 7 be sympathetic to the other person's ideas and desires any upset person feels completely justified in their anger no matter what you believe do you think when you're angry you say to yourself I know I'm being irrational and my anger doesn't make sense but I'm going to be angry anyway people are hungry for sympathy they want us to recognize all that they feel if we can sympathize with others they will appreciate our side as well and will often come around to our way of thinking chapter 8 start with questions to which the other person will answer yes every time someone says no they get locked into defensiveness and consistency bias so don't start by talking about the areas in which you differ start with what you agree on get the person to say yes instead of pushing your conclusion on the person guide her toward your conclusion through a series of logical questions this can sound like a trap if the person realizes what you're doing it's better to do this in a genuine patient tone instead of in the tone of already knowing the answers ask difficult questions with unclear answers so it doesn't feel like you're trapping the person in a corner this technique is used a lot by salespeople for example imagine I want to sell my book summary to you and I would say you seem to be a person who likes to read am I right you would answer yes then I would go ahead and say do you like saving money do you like saving time most likely your answers would be yes again once I get these yeses I would then say buy my book summaries it exactly what you want it will save you time money and you will read a book much faster how would you feel at this point I'm sure you'd feel like I trapped you into something that you didn't want even if you liked my product you'd probably be turned off by my Approach and most probably would walk away chapter nine let the other person feel like the idea is his or hers people like their own ideas better than other people's coming up with their own ideas makes them feel smart and important executing their own ideas instead of someone else's gives them a feeling of control for example once I was negotiating with a quite tough person who did not like to compromise after a while I noticed that it would be very difficult to reach an agreement so I decided to apply this tactic and said you know about this topic more than I do you are the world's expert on this so I want to hear your opinion how can we reach an agreement the person stopped for a moment and then started giving me advice and options his approach changed from being an opponent to a mentor after hearing all of his options I chose one of them and decided to implement it since he gave me the option he was much more engaged and interested in implementing it successfully chapter 10 appeal to the nobler motive a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing one that sounds good and a real one forget the real one appeal to their highest moral principles for example when someone is breaking the agreement say that your impression of the person's character was one of high integrity give them some time to think about it if they come back and want to continue then you will accept it without hesitation and admit that your judgment of character was wrong but you still personally believe they're a man of their word and will not break the agreement we humans don't want to lose the nobler motives that we pose chapter 11 dramatize your ideas attention is scarcer than ever before find ways to capture it without being gimmicky merely stating a truth isn't enough the truth has to be made Vivid interesting and dramatic find a way to visually represent the stakes a cash register salesman observed a slow-moving checkout line he told the owner he was losing pennies with every customer he threw Pennies on the floor to make the point imagine how effective this would be if he kept doing this repeatedly to illustrate the money lost Steve Jobs famously introduced the iPod as 1 000 songs in your pocket not talking about gigabytes of storage here are a few tactics on how you can apply this principle provide a visual analogy show objects for size speed and cost equate the opportunity to dollars for example your business is losing one Mercedes-Benz a day by not fixing this problem I personally like this tactic and have used it a lot in the past for example when I was finishing my internship I had to give a final presentation about the results in total we were around 25 students and among them my presentation was one of the most interesting ones and the reason is that when I was presenting I did not talk about the boring tasks I did in Excel I simply started by saying that my internship saved thirteen thousand dollars for the company once I said this every manager in the audience started listening very carefully and asked a lot of questions at the end to be honest I did the same boring things as other interns I unless the only difference was that I calculated the number of hours I had spent and then converted it into dollars since it was an unpaid internship I could easily say that I saved the money because of some paid employee did the same job the company had to pay a salary chapter 12 throw down a challenge when motivation doesn't work organize a competition this gets people going because they don't want to be second the desire for Mastery and to excel is a fundamental driver of behavior for example if a person is unsure subtly question their strength I don't blame you for being scared it's a tough job it'll take a big person to take care of the job part four the final part of this book is about changing people without giving offense or a rousing resentment chapter one begin with praise and honest appreciation it's always easier to listen to unpleasant things after hearing praise about our good points without praise it just sounds completely critical when you are giving praise avoid being formal this is quite normal in the corporate world where you can hear some formal praise and then a big critical point and at the end a small praise again instead always try to give sincere and specific praise about specific items rather than generalities this is even more effective when the person knows you are upset with the work and have come to you to complain in this situation if you give sincere appreciation it's going to be a big surprise and will make the person receptive to your feedback chapter 2 call attention to people's mistakes indirectly avoid direct attack people typically know what they've done wrong calling explicit attention creates resistance here are two tactics first follow your sincere praise not with but rather with and maybe you've heard that whatever comes before but doesn't count here are two examples for you to compare the first one you've done an excellent job working hard but you could have prevented these careless mistakes versus you've done an excellent job working hard and if you focus next on building a checklist you'll improve your accuracy rate the last approach avoids the negative feeling of failure the second tactic if a task is slipping do it yourself then show the work to the person for example John Wanamaker saw a customer being ignored at the sales counter while the salespeople were chatting in the corner he serviced the woman himself then handed the purchase to the salespeople to be wrapped chapter 3 talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person admitting your own mistake shows that you recognize the task as difficult and the person's mistakes are understandable implicitly encourages the person to rise to your level Carnegie says if you want to change people into your way of thinking then always talk about your own mistakes first before criticizing the other person never say you were doing the wrong thing or you should not do that this would only push the other person into defensive mode and he will try to prove himself right with every possible explanation instead first talk about your own mistakes tell them how you felt when you were in their shoes and how wrong you were for example I used to hire students for an internship program for a company that I worked for several years ago during the interview process I could see that many students couldn't really Express themselves because of the stress and tension I'm sure you're familiar with that feeling as soon as you enter the interview room your IQ level drops to 20 and you can't even answer simple questions this made my job difficult as well because it was difficult to identify if the student didn't know the answer or if he just couldn't answer because of stress the situation got even harder when the student was introverted and shy so I always tried to make them feel relaxed by telling them that it was just a friendly conversation and they shouldn't be stressed out however it never worked one day I decided to start the interview process with my own embarrassing interview story when I was applying for the same position that they were applying for right then I told them how I couldn't answer the interviewer when she asked me if I could name one social media platform that was famous at the time at that time Facebook was the biggest social media platform and I used it every day however I couldn't answer such a simple question the interviewer waited for several seconds for my answer and then silently said Facebook still today I can't understand how I couldn't answer such a simple question the story made the students laugh and feel relaxed because they could see that I'd also been in their place and admitting my own embarrassing story helped them feel comfortable it showed that we are all human and we all make mistakes in this type of stressful situation chapter 4 ask questions instead of giving orders asking questions has plentiful benefits first it allows your partner to come to his own conclusions independently people like their own ideas better second it gives control to the person and makes him feel important instead of following someone else's orders person is now following his own third it stimulates the creativity of your partner new better ideas might actually come out here are a few questions you can use do you think that would work what do you think of this can we think of different ways to do it chapter five let the person save face people crave importance if you bulldoze this importance away the person will resent you and become more difficult to influence later let them preserve their pride the book doesn't give clear directives on a general way of how to do this but it centers around preserving the person's pride and what they care about for example when an employee made a mistake she apologized for the error and said she would have the new report before the next meeting instead of criticizing her carelessness the manager thanked her for her work said it wasn't an unusual error for a new project expressed his faith in her and knew she had done her best chapter 6 praise every slightest Improvement praising every Improvement inspires the other person to keep on improving again keep in mind that people crave importance like food and giving them a little bit of Praise makes them hungry for more I personally believe in the power of this tactic because I have seen how it works in my own experience it's changed me from being a shy non-communicative person to a team leader who managed 25 people and gave presentations in front of hundreds of people if you're going to apply this tactic please give specific praise single out a specific accomplishment instead of General flattering remarks this makes your praise sound more sincere I remember when I started my second job many of my colleagues in the office warned me to be very careful with one of the employees in India they told me that he was quite lazy he replied to emails very late and the quality of his work wasn't good several of my colleagues even complained to his manager but it didn't change a lot of things once I started working with him I could see that my colleagues were right but instead of focusing on his mistakes I decided to apply Carnegie's principle and focus on small positive things and praise Him genuinely so whenever I saw even a small good work from his side I praised him for that specific work and sometimes added his manager to carbon copy after some time the number of Good Works started to increase and after seven weeks he was a completely different person he became very proactive and friendly in his Communications and it wasn't just toward me it was toward others as well he even added me as a friend on Facebook which never happened to any of my colleagues before chapter seven give the person a fine reputation to live up to if you want to improve something about a person act as though that trait was already one of his outstanding characteristics for example let's say that when you are having a conversation with your friends one of them says that he knows you as a person who can keep a good secret and can be trusted no matter what the conditions are the rest of your friends also agree with this opinion after hearing this even if you are not a person who can keep a good secret you'll start acting like one you will be very careful not to lose the status you will always speak very carefully in order not to reveal someone's secret and lose your valuable title chapter 8 make the fault seem easy to correct if you tell someone they lack the talent and will never be good at something you've removed interest and hope for improvement instead tell them they have the right talent and fundamentals but just need to practice getting better make the steps easy to do for example here's what a dance instructor could say to a poor dancer you have a natural sense of Rhythm you are a natural-born dancer chapter 9 make the person happy about doing the things you suggest this principle is similar to one of the previous principles which was about keeping another person's interest in mind I personally think that talking only about other people's interests can raise suspicion for example if someone is talking only about your interest without theirs you might suspect that not everything is being revealed one way to avoid sounding disingenuous is to acknowledge why you want the action up front then talk about the benefits you both enjoy that's it for this video if you found it helpful please leave a like and a subscribe to my channel it keeps me motivated to post videos for you every single week thanks for watching and have a great day