When you're dealing with a narcissist, you learn pretty quickly that the typical social contracts do not apply, and because they don't follow these. It's easy to give them ammunition when you think you're doing quite the opposite, but by the end of this video, you're gonna understand why some of the things you're probably saying to the narcissists are hurting you more than they're hurting them. in the process you might be giving your power. Let's get to it. So, all right, let's cut to the chase. There are some things that you are probably saying to the narcissist in your life that are giving them more power over you than they need to have. And this is true, even if you know a whole lot about narcissism and are really familiar with the way the other person works, the narcissist uses things that you say against you in all phases of a relationship, even in the love bombing phase when things seem so great and perfect. So the love bombing phase, or the idealization phase is when the narcissist is essentially putting you on a pedestal and it seems like they're head over heels like they're your soulmate. But the problem in this phase is that they're taking notes. Probably not literally taking notes, but figuratively, they're taking mental notes of all of your vulnerabilities that you're sharing with them, and these are vulnerabilities that they're going to use against you later. Now, if you've been around this community for a while, you probably already know that, but if you're new here, I do have a download, a free download that I will link to in the description and in the comments. So go ahead and check that out there. And while you're there, go ahead and leave a comment. Say hi, and let me know if there's anything you've ever said to a narcissist that you regret something that may have hurt you more than you realized in the moment. Because sharing your story and sharing this information could possibly help somebody else who's dealing with this in their life now. So let's go ahead and jump into the first thing you should never say to a narcissist, and that is, I need you to understand this. And how many times have we said that, right? Because you feel like you're spinning your wheels, you are constantly thinking of different ways to say the same thing, so that they might finally understand they might finally get it. And it could be anything. It could be about how they should leave the toilet seat up or down, or it could be about how much they've hurt you. But the truth is it doesn't matter what it's about. It could be about something trivial or it could be something really, really big and important to you. Either way. If you let the narcist know that this is something that is important to you, that, it is important for you to know that they understand. They're not going to give you that satisfaction. Why? Because a narcissist is all about control. They like to control people and situations, and if they have something that they know you want, that is a source of power and control. Now. You're going to feel especially compelled to say this one to the narcissist if they are your parent or your partner, because these are important relationships and in healthy relationships, it's really important for us to be heard and understood because if somebody does something that hurts us and they understand it, then there's less of a chance that they're going to do it again in the future. But with a narcissist, we know that that's also not true. , even if they do understand that something hurt, and even if they do apologize, the apologies are fake and they'll end up doing the same thing again and again. But the problem here is that it doesn't make sense that they're not understanding something that is actually pretty simple to understand. Something that seems like common sense to you and probably anyone else in the world, And so because the brain is constantly trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense, it's really easy to get stuck in rumination. So this is when you start overthinking the situation. And what happens here usually is you'll get stuck thinking about different ways that you can say the same thing. So you'll just cycle through all of these things, all of these points that you could make. And finally, you'll come to a point that you haven't, you haven't quite said it that way before, and you think maybe just, maybe if I say this, then they'll understand. They'll finally get it. And all this does is it gives the narcissist more power and control over you because the more you tell them that you need them to understand, the more you explain to them something that they really should have understood a long time ago, the more they know that they have power over you. Because they know that you are trying to get something out of them that they're not gonna give you. And this is also true, maybe especially true when you're out of a relationship with a narcissist. Maybe you've been discarded and you want them to understand all the ways in which they've hurt you. And sometimes they get you on the hook and they're like this close to understanding, and then poof, the bottom drops out and it's all a mystery to them once again. So the next thing that you should never say to a narcissist is that they're a narcissist. And these days that word does not carry as much weight as it may have in the past, but there is still lots of reasons why you should not even bother saying this. So number one, it's pointless. If they've heard this before, which if somebody's a very grandiose or overt narcissist, they've probably heard this before from various sources and they might even be proud of it, but a more covert narcissist may take that a little bit more personally. And the danger here where this can end up hurting you is if the narcissist goes on a smear campaign or tries to find another way to get revenge. So if you have actually gotten to them and hurt their ego, and sometimes this does and sometimes it doesn't, but if you do, then you could end up in a situation where they're trying to seek revenge in some way. And often this is in the form of a smear campaign, and sometimes we want to tell the narcissists that they are a narcissist because we feel like it's gonna give us some sort of closure. Like finally, they'll understand what's wrong with them, right? Finally, they'll understand why this relationship didn't work. And maybe they'll even go and get help for themselves. Now, if you've dealt with a narcissist for a long time, and especially if you've been down this road, you know where this ends and the idea that they're going to get help for themselves is almost laughable. Now, some narcissists do. There are some self-aware narcissists out there who realize that they're hurting people and they actually have some sort of self-awareness, some sort of compassion, and they, they care. They don't want to be that person and they end up getting help. But that is extremely rare because of what narcissism is, because the disorder itself prevents people from actually seeing themselves for who they are. So no matter what your reasons are telling a narcissist that they're a narcissist, usually it's not a good idea. So the next thing you should never say to a narcissist is, I'm going to hurt you in this very specific way. Even general threats are probably not a good idea. Now, I am all about keeping and maintaining personal sense of peace. But I also understand and know very well that there's a lot of anger in the aftermath of any sort of relationship with a narcissist. They're very anger inducing people, aren't they? So I'm not here to tell you to follow through on whatever plans you have, but what I am saying is don't tell them about it. If you are going to do something, If you're going to get revenge in some way or do something that just to try and make them feel bad, don't tell them about it first. Because especially if you still care about this person or if you have a lot of empathy, if you have compassion in your heart, there's less of a chance that you're gonna follow through on that threat, then there's a chance that the narcissist will co-opt your threat and follow through on it themselves. Now I wanna know if you have experienced this firsthand, because I know that a lot of you have, have you ever told a narcissist you were going to do something in some way to hurt them, and then they turned around and did that very thing to you first? Unfortunately, it's more common than you might think because a lot of times we just say things out of anger and we don't really mean them. So we might say, I'm going to do this thing, but you don't really mean it. But then the next thing you know that very thing is being done to you. It's better to just not give these people any ideas. So the next thing you should never say to a narcissist is, you make me feel bad or you make me feel angry. Don't give them power over your emotions. The way narcissists manipulate actually is by controlling you through your emotions. So when you're triggered by something, When they know you're triggered by something, they're going to keep doing that thing. And the more covert they are, the more subtle it'll be. And over time, you might even think that they're accidentally doing it, but the more you deal with this type of abuse, The more likely you are to eventually wake up to the fact that no one could be that ignorant, to keep doing the same thing over and over again without realizing that it's hurting you when you're literally telling them every single time that it's hurting you. So bottom line, when you use the words you make me feel and you assign some sort of emotion to it, you're giving them that power over you. it's a really subtle shift, but what's happening here is they are triggering anger within you. The anger is yours. Don't cross the lines. Keep that emotional boundary. Your emotions are yours. And yes, they can do things that make you angry. They can do things that make you sad. But you can also reach a point where they can do the same exact thing and you feel nothing. And that's the key here. It's not their behavior that's making you feel bad. You feel bad because you care. And most interactions with narcissists, if we didn't care about the narcissist or the people associated with them or the situation, it wouldn't hurt. So even though they're pulling your strings, they are your strings and you have control over them, It's certainly okay to feel bad or angry or sad, but if you can help it and you aren't actively trying to have a relationship with this person, I would suggest trying your best to keep all of that to yourself because your emotions are going to give ammunition to the narcissist. And if you do feel like you have to share that emotion with the narcissist, just try to keep the power out of their hands and try to keep the power for your emotions right here. Easier said than done. I know. So the next thing you should never say to a narcissist is one that I know you've probably said before, I know I have and I probably said it a million times, and that question is some variation of why are you doing this? This, if you have dealt of narcissist, you know it's a pointless question. It is going nowhere. Actually, that's not true. It's going to drive you bonkers because you are gonna end up in circular arguments and circular discussions with a whole lot of gas lighting. And you're going to again, drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. So buckle up for a whole lot of gaslighting because in order for them to tell you why they're doing something, They have to admit that they're doing the thing, And I can tell you from a whole lot of experience, that you're going to end up more frustrated at the end than you were at the beginning. As usual, if you're dealing with a narcissist, it's best to just let it go if you can. If you don't have to deal with this person anymore, just walk away and do your best to pick up the pieces, work on yourself and get back to your life. Go no contact and call it a day. But if you have to continue dealing with a narcissist, I have some more tips for you. And these tips come in the form of questions that a narcissist can absolutely never answer. And I go through those in this video right here. So definitely check that out. Be sure to subscribe, and I will see you next week.