how does a narcissist react and what do they feel when they realize they have lost the real one by real one I mean their primary source of Supply the one they fully depend on the one they know will go to any extent to save the relationship the one they know they cannot affer to lose the one that loves them like none other how do narcissists behave let's find out in today's episode I am Danish andar istic abuse recovery professional and a psychologist welcome to my channel if you have not subscribed already please consider subscribing because your subscription helps in spreading awareness about narcissistic abuse as strange as this may sound all sources of Supply are not equal in the narcissist eyes in fact they organize their sources of Supply on the basis of how important they think they are on top you will see the primary source of Supply a person this narcissistic individual cannot afford to lose why because they are getting something from that type of a person they will not be able to get from somewhere else I'll talk about that and I'll give you a lot of examples then you have secondary sources of Supply these are interchangeable they can be recycled they can be discarded at will because they can get a lot of them however this primary source in most cases it is retained let's take an example of a married male narcissist whose partner is totally committed to saving the relationship she has a never let go never give up kind of an attitude and does not believe in divorce this is what the narcissist needs being married to her brings this narcissistic man Glory admiration acceptance and validation in the society he's a part of he has to maintain an image especially if it is important to be married in the culture that he comes from and to keep that image intact he has to keep her in his life for which he can do anything and that means he can be sometimes overly nice to her he can breadcrumb her a lot and he will do anything possible to save the relationship in order to save his own image however he does not apply the same approach when it comes to all the other second resources of Supply he replaces them easily he treats them horribly but at the same time promises that he's going to one day leave his wife and he's going to come to her and he's going to join her life and he's going to live with her that is the promise he dangles that's the hope he gives but that never ends up happening why does he do that of course to take advantage of other people to make it seem like he's going to have a separate family with them them so that they stay patient and keep giving them the supply keep giving this narcissist all the attention he needs and requires to sustain his narcissistic fall self but when push comes to sha he takes all the steps back creates distance ignores and calls her crazy when the same narcissist loses his primary source of Supply which in this case is his wife we can say that is the true one I want to clarify that there is no real one for a narcissist because every single source of Supply gets treated the same way in of course different ways it does not matter what makes her the real one is the upliftment of his image that happens why the association with this primary source of Supply that's why he wants to stay in this marriage I want you to fully understand that it is not because of the difference in value that you're less valuable than the other or that person is more valuable than you that's not the case it is the narcissist own self-interest their selfish desires and how they can get fulfilled if they have somebody already in the Trap who is fulfilling a particular desire which they know is going to really difficult to get fulfilled if they were to let's say start from zero that is when they are going to retain that primary source of Supply so when the narcissist realizes that they have lost the true one primary source of Supply he or she can Fain change he may be all of a sudden willing to go to coup's therapy she may be willing to talk about all the cheating scenarios she has been a part of which is very unusual for a narcissist to do he or she may act like he is fully broken now and she wants to know what's wrong with her and they want to change they want to grow and they want to work for the family they want to work on themselves for the child they don't want to see their girl in pain she doesn't want her children to suffer she wants you to give them a last chance that is how a narcissist behaves when they feel they're about to lose the real one the one who is putting up with all that abuse if you are a secondary source of supply and you are watching all this happen it can fill your head and heart with so much doubt because then you'll think am I not worth that effort I always begged always requested always pleaded that please try we deserve a chance you promised me the world but you are delivering nightmares what about us I always always wanted us to be together but you never ever tried and you kept me in the fog that I am single or that I am divorced I am separated that was never true now that you are about to lose her now that you're about to lose him you are showing all the change that I wanted to see in you what's going on well that is their facade that is their perception of threat the threat is loss of image to convince the real one that they have changed they may confess to their narcissism I have seen that happening with my own eyes heard it so it's it was strange however just saw it a couple of days ago and they may go to different religious leaders if religion is a way to gas light you and make them think that they have changed and God wants you to give them a chance that is what happens when they realize they have lost the real one or they're about to lose it and when you finally leave you still do not pay attention to all their tricks that is when they collapse yes collapse is also possible it also happens when a primary source of a narcissist leaves him or her especially if there is no instant replacement available for example in my case I was the primary source of supply for my covertly narcissistic mother when I left her she temporarily collapsed that collapse would have been permanent had my sister not been there for her she took my role my responsibility my job before that she was my father's Golden Child but now she is a golden child for both of them and that is what prevented that collapse but I saw her collapsing and that is what happens and that tells us they vicariously live through that true person their soulmate and that's why the pain you may truly see them falling into depression and they may withdraw abandon not eat that may make you think maybe they're not a nurse IST that they have realized they need to change they feel a lot of remorse and they're feeling guilty for their actions and I need to give them one more chance you must not make that mistakes or else you will get destroyed I saw that happening once two sisters joined a session with me one was a narcissist on the cusp of collapsing other was vmath it was like a final attempt to make things work and the narcissistic sister was aware of her narcissism and was ready to change okay the empathetic sister was like I'm this is the last chance I'm giving you after this I'm going to go no contact with you if you do not change I am going to change and that's it in that session this narcissistic sister cried was full of pain and acknowledged all the things and promised she's going to be better and asked me what she can do and so on and I said you have to just um give up on all the distractions you have to take a rebirth and so on whatever but then within a couple of months she booked another session and I thought oh maybe things have worked however this time I only got to see the narcissistic sister who had fully collapsed and she said in the last session I was just saying all the things that I thought I need to say to retain her but I truly was questioning your credibility to called me a narcissist and had no true intent intentions to change and now my sister has gone gone no contact with me what do I do I had no answer for her questions because it was a narcissist collapsing and I in no way could have prevented that from happening I just had to leave her Al alone on her own because she also admitted to kind of using me as a source of supply and I was nothing but a distraction so I said I can't help you beyond this and you have to be on your own and you have to sit with that nothingness I know it's scary Beyond scary it feels like everything is falling apart and that's what needs to happen for you to know who you are and what you have done to others so this is what happens when a narcissist realizes they have lost their true person their primary source of Supply it's a little different than how they feel when they lose secondary sources of Supply but that does does not mean you as a secondary source are less valuable that was it for today's episode I hope you found it insightful if you did please let me know what your thoughts are in the comments below and I will talk to you in the next one until then as always let the healing begin and continue