30% of all relationships dating or married experience some form of cheating and that's just what is reported and the more I study relationships as a whole I can see now which relationships are more at risk for cheating so that's what we're going to talk about today and if I'm being perfectly honest I don't really expect this video to do very well because it's really hard to convince people who haven't cheated to watch a video about how to protect it right because in their mind they're thinking that'll never happen I don't need to worry about that that was at least my mindset and yet I was the one that needed to watch this most and for those of you who don't already know I tragically cheated on my wife earlier in our marriage and it's something I will always regret it will always be a part of my story and I will feel the consequences of that decision in some way for the rest of my life but I refuse to let my past Define my future and I've worked very hard for years and years to do everything I can to learn how to heal this marriage heal myself and rebuild trust and create an environment of validation and safety where my wife can also heal from my selfish actions and there's there's a lot of people out there that say why would I ever take relationship advice from a cheater and if that's you no problem totally understand for me I'm not going to stop talking about everything I've learned not when it comes to just preventing cheating but also growing and strengthening our bond together through honesty and vulnerability and intimacy so why should anyone listen to me right because I know firsthand what the warning signs are individually and relationally I know what relationships are already set up to fail and I'm simply doing everything I can to help people catch all this stuff early to avoid those problems and last disclaimer I'm going to talk a lot about how important it is to have a fulfilling relationship together that your relationship is like a third entity between both of you and you need to be intentionally protecting it and prioritizing it but if your partner does epth cheating don't let anyone ever tell you it was 50% your fault it was 0% your fault because nobody causes anyone else to cheat now I understand full well how damaging a disconnected relationship can feel I understand that in so many cases one person might have been begging for intimacy and affection and closeness from their partner and they were pushed away I understand the effort that you might have been putting in way before the cheating even happened that wasn't being reciprocated and I'm going to have some tough love for that partner in just a little bit but that doesn't change the fact that cheating is still 100% the betrayer's decision at the end of the day we could have broken up with them or divorced for them and then slept with whoever we wanted but we didn't choose that option and we need to own that all right so how do we prevent cheating in relationships because I'm a firm believer that most people don't set out to cheat I certainly didn't I had never done it before most people don't plan on cheating on their partner so then why does it happen so frequently is it just because they're selfish a-holes who only care about themselves I don't think that's what the research suggests now I'm not saying cheating isn't extremely self-centered and immature because it abs absolutely is I'm definitely not saying cheaters deserve your grace or a second chance I'm simply trying to answer the question why does it happen so we can prevent it first individually you need to be someone who has a good moral compass you need to have integrity that means doing the right thing even when no one's looking you need to have a direction for how you want to show up in your relationships if you're in a committed relationship with someone and especially if you're married that means protecting your bond to together commitment isn't just a word it doesn't mean simply staying together anyone can stay together you need to be committed to more commitment is a mindset it means your perspective matters to me your pain matters to me we're equals we respect each other right we learn how each other feels prioritized and valued most and we serve each other in love mutually we're a team you protect and prioritize the things that are important to you right so how many of us are protecting our relationship protecting your relationship means paying attention to the positions you're putting yourself in with other people you shouldn't be flirting you shouldn't be fantasizing about someone else you shouldn't be drinking on that business trip when you know you have a tendency to drink too much shouldn't be watching those videos online and especially not chatting with someone else online you shouldn't be doing those drugs that alter your mental state you shouldn't be going out of your way to be alone with someone of the opposite sex when your partner doesn't know about it you shouldn't be seeking that other person's attention and you shouldn't be confiding in someone that you're attracted to about how unsatisfied you are in your relationship everyone always wants to know exactly where the line is right it's just playful flirting I haven't crossed any lines oh it's just lunch I mean we're not allowed to eat lunch together I didn't know eating was a crime and yet the truth is if we're honest with ourselves it's become a pattern you're starting to hope she comes over and asks if you've eaten yet or you're looking to him to notice that you're wearing the shade of lipstick that he complimented you on last week stop trying to walk right up to the line and then being surprised when you find yourself over it know you yourself be honest at least with yourself people cheat because at the end of the day they wanted to feel something I'm not saying that's ever Justified I'm saying our actions and patterns have a purpose they make sense when we Zoom all the way out and we're actually honest with ourselves maybe we need to ask ourselves why flirting with this person feels so good maybe we need to ask ourselves why we really like his attention maybe we need to ask ourselves if we truly feel fulfilled in our relationship we need to ask ourselves why this secret thing we have with this person and makes us feel so good let's not be naive or immature about this stuff no one's forcing you to be in this relationship if you're not doing things to intentionally strengthen it then you're weakening it if you've put your relationship on the back burner if your relationship has gone stale but you find your heart racing when this new guy smiles at you you're putting yourself at risk for doing things you never thought you would do it's normal to be attracted to other people in this life I'm certainly not here to tell you how to live your life but if you're in a committed relationship you need to decide together what's appropriate and what's not being unwilling to have that conversation or not caring about what your partner's opinion is about that that's the first sign that you're going to have problems don't be shocked when you fall when you keep standing on slippery slopes and a lot of people wonder where the line is when it comes to emotional cheating so here's what I know if you're going out of your way to be with someone else in secret if you're lying or withholding information about time or communication together if you wouldn't dare want any else to see what you're doing or what you're saying and you're developing deeper feelings of connection with this person then yes you're cheating and you're having an emotional affair now does that make you a terrible person no can you break out of this cycle yes but it's going to be much more difficult now because you're in that exciting stage with this new person and often times you start to wish that they were your partner instead of your actual one so it's going to take a lot of intentionality and most likely counseling so you can talk about why this this is happening in the first place I heard my pastor say once if you were the devil how would you take you out and you don't need to be religious to understand the point the point is where are you vulnerable to outside influence in your relationship what are your weaknesses are you learning about them talking with someone about them or pretending like they don't exist let's just be brutally honest here are you truly on board with monogamy or do you feel like you're missing out on some other experiences that you want to have and even if you're good with it do you feel ionically lonely in this relationship do you feel emotionally and physically disconnected from your partner are you starting to resent them do you even feel desired by them sexually anymore is your sex life boring or non-existent there's nothing wrong with admitting any of those in fact it's extremely healthy it's when you pretend like they don't exist or you suppress them or you can't talk to your partner about them because you're embarrassed or they're not a safe place for you to be vulnerable or you're too afraid to cause conflict that's when it becomes a problem the solution is honoring those things within yourself tell yourself it makes sense I don't feel close to my partner when I continually feel emotionally disconnected from them it makes sense why I don't feel connected to my partner when I can't trust them to be there for me when I'm hurting that doesn't make me too needy the solution is being honest with someone that you feel trapped in this relationship and you feel starved for emotional connection with someone running away from your feelings doesn't make them go away it causes them to manifest in some other way with greater intensity so be honest you want to protect your relationship from cheating on either side know yourself and seek to know your partner you can't prevent them from going against their moral code and stepping outside of this relationship but you can do everything you can to give this relationship the best shot at Mutual fulfillment and learning about how your partner feels close and valued and prioritized and doing those things intentionally that's called intimacy together I dare you to ask each other to finish this sentence in order for me to feel close to my partner I need and then be a safe place for them to be honest without judgment how about I go first in order for me to feel close to my partner I need to feel respected I need to know that I can rely on them I need to feel valued and prioritized I need to feel desired I need to know that they care about how I'm feeling I need to know we're on a team I need intimacy and emotional connection or maybe some of you thought the opposite I need some separateness some Independence some autonomy I need you to not see me as the enemy I need to not be yelled at or blamed at for someone else's feelings I need less unhealthy conflict absolutely those aren't bad those are your needs and that's okay not understanding or prioritizing our partner's needs doesn't cause cheating but it does cause disconnection which left unrepaired will lead to distance and conflict which no one ever seems to want when it happens but they refuse to pay attention to the warning signs that lead up to it because good relationships will always require effort it's always going to be a swim against the current Upstream the natural drift will always be towards self-centeredness and complacency the normal pull is towards laziness me too so we have to fight against that mutually we have to make time for each other we have to be intentional we have to have the tough conversations we have to invite and encourage honesty with each other we have to prioritize our partners in the ways they feel loved most right we have to continually insert excitement and playfulness into our relationship together of course it takes work because anything worthwhile does and this is the crazy thing if youve tuned out because this was getting boring totally get that need you to come back for a second minimize the other tabs we've already talked about sometimes you're susceptible to outside validation and attention because inside the relationship you feel emotionally starved right you feel neglected you feel unappreciated you don't feel desired and that certainly doesn't make it Justified looking for those things outside of the relationship but it does explain it but other times your relationship is fine and you would even admit that your partner does treat you right and yet you're still unfulfilled you're still susceptible to feeling drawn to outside attention why do you think that is it's because there's probably some healing that needs to take place sometimes we've been hurt so bad in the past to the point where it feels unsafe to let our walls down and fully open up to someone so we will sabotage the relationship that we're in sometimes we're terrified of real vulnerability and intimacy that when our partner wants more closeness with us that makes us want to run away maybe even into the arms of a stranger because in that moment we need to prove to ourselves deep down that we're still independent and we're still in control sometimes we cheat not because we're running towards someone else but away from ourselves that of course doesn't justify it but there's a reason people cheat our actions and patterns tend to have a purpose right and it's our job to learn about the why behind the patterns before we find ourselves in places we never wanted to end up the sad truth is to an immature person or an unhealed person a healthy safe committed relationship feels boring and actually unsafe it doesn't give us the chaos and unpredictability that our nervous system is used to so we will go searching for that chaos outside of the relationship even if it costs us this one so let me ask you are you healing from your past traumas are you exploring your mindsets around love and commitment and intimacy with a professional are you building up resentment towards your partner because you've begged for closeness you tried to advocate for your needs but it was met with them telling you you're too needy you're too emotional you're making a big deal about nothing and ruining the day or on the other side are you the one who is invalidating and dismissing your partner's concerns or hurts or desires because I can have empathy for either situation and the pain that you've experienced in your past or present but the truth is hurt people hurt people and you're on a path that has a destination the best prevention for cheating for either of us is the ability to have a mutually fulfilling relationship that has Mutual trust and respect and intimacy and consideration and honesty and vulnerability and emotional safety those aren't add-ons if we get around to them they are the foundation that gives our relationship house the pillars it needs to stand strong or the absence of them will be what causes it to crash to the ground and if you're the type of partner who isn't pursuing those and doesn't care about whether your partner feels connected to you doesn't want to prioritize their relationship I'm not saying you deserve to be cheated on but you are pushing your partner out of this relationship whether you realize it or not I understand you might not care about prioritizing the trust or connection levels in this relationship you might not care about feeling intimate together inside or outside of the bedroom here's the question does your partner the person you say you love what do they need to feel fulfilled in this relationship ship because if your answer is just to roll your eyes again or shut down the conversation you're contributing to the death of this relationship remember relationship meaning two people not just you you aren't the dictator here we're supposed to be a team we're supposed to have companionship with each other that means we both get an equal say that means we both care that means we both respect each other and I certainly don't want you to be cheated on but your relationship is dying it's going to end one way or another if you truly care about it as soon many people say they do once it's over prove it by protecting it now so go to counseling together read a book together have the talks schedule weekly check-ins where you're both actually able to be honest about what's working and what's not be vulnerable with each other talking about each other's legitimate needs for closeness work on how you fight start learning how to interrupt that negative cycle of conflict and if you can't or won't do that without fighting that's your sign that you need to get some help because your relationship is at stake you got into this relationship for a reason why did you even start it because you enjoyed feeling close to them don't let your shame or guilt come and steal that away and push them away because you're too afraid of facing yourself and admitting this is scary and listen I've done the work I'm doing the work and it is scary learning how to go deep within yourself learning how to be vulnerable and open up to someone again learning how to be a safe place for someone to tell you their negative emotions and vice versa I get it it's scary but I'm just here to tell you I've seen the other side I've seen the connection and intimacy that's possible and it's worth it you don't have to follow the same patterns that your mom or dad did those walls that you've put up they might keep you safe they're going to cost you your most intimate relationships dare to be different and I'll warn you different isn't easy growth isn't comfortable but just like working out it gets easier the more that you do it and one day you'll look back and be so glad that you started thank you so much for watching stay curious listen to each other can't wait to see you in the next one