I just wanted an escape from the pain. I didn't actually want to die. I think as a doctor it took me a considerable amount of time to realise what was going on in my own mind and my own world. My first symptoms of anxiety I noticed in my early 30s.
When I was transitioning from being a trainee doctor to being a specialist in cardiology and they manifested in the sense of being anxious and worried about little things, racing hard, sweating, not sleeping well, not being able to relax and I worry about little things and ruminate over my mind either during the day at night about Things that probably would never happen. Like at that time I felt like I had no future, I had no hope. I wasn't eating well, I was losing weight, I wasn't concentrating, I wasn't sleeping well.
I was withdrawing into myself and excluding myself from friends and I had kind of a feeling I had no safe place to... Where I could be either at work or at home and they contributed to me becoming very significantly depressed and having daily intense suicidal ideation. I felt as if I had no future, there was no way forward. I thought I was going to lose my children forever, that I'd never see them again.
I just wanted an escape from the pain. I didn't actually want to die. I was employing strategies at that stage to survive the next minute and then I gradually would look at my watch and say I'm going to survive the next five minutes and then I would do it for the next 60 minutes so I could get through the day.
That's very exhausting. I kind of knew I needed to get help desperately at that stage but I again delayed and delayed and delayed. In the initial stages I was very worried about speaking to people about it. One of the things that helped me get out of that major episode was a text I received from a friend, which was really the perfect text.
It was non-judgmental, saying that she was concerned about me. She noticed that my texts were getting darker and more concerning. to her.
She texted me the Lifeline and Beyond Blue helpline, said you really desperately need to ring these people, I'll check to ring them at the end of the day. Very important that my friend guided me to seek help and that I put my hand up to get help. My recovery strategies was to do swimming, in fact sometimes a lot of swimming and in many ways it was in.
an easy way for me to use mindfulness. So as a matter of you know taking the breath, blowing the bubble out, in between taking the strokes and so perfect way of being in the moment. I know when I've had a good swimming session from a mental health point of view in that I can't remember what I thought about other than maybe the next breath or the next stroke. Yeah, coming out the other side where I am now, I think I'm in a very strong place in many respects. In many ways, I've had this kind of sense of post-traumatic growth.
My life's changed to an extreme. positive since. I think we've moved a long way around awareness about depression and anxiety and speaking about depression and anxiety but there's still a long way to go about suicide. of the aviation needs to be talked about more openly. You know, that's the kind of stigma we need to break down.
That it's, if you get to that place, you do need to seek help. It's not a sign of weakness and in fact, a sign of strength. I think it's essential that others that are in the same, feeling the same way, do the same thing, put their hands up to get help, or their friends and family guide them and help them get help.
Sammy.