On the last day of school in seventh grade before the holidays , I drove home in the bus and it was super full. So I sat down in the free space on the floor. One of my classmates spat on my head from above. I endured it because I was told to ignore the bullying so that it would stop. Then everyone laughed and made fun of me for letting this happen and said I liked it. Then they did it again. I prayed that the situation would end and that I could get off the bus. SUBTITLE: Hessischer Rundfunk * thoughtful music * When I got home, I immediately took a shower and tried to wash it off. But no matter how often I washed my head, the feeling of humiliation and worthlessness, I couldn't wash that off. I was wondering when was the last time I really laughed, just laughed with all my heart. I didn't know anymore. Then I thought: "Actually, you don't really like to be alive." * calm music * * more moving music * I'm nervous. Never have I ever talked about bullying in front of a whole school class. I think it's different in front of parents and teachers than in front of 12- and 13-year-olds, who back then were the people who bullied me. * moving music * I dreamed of it the day before yesterday. It was terrible. So I dreamed this lecture. One of the kids somehow said out loud what nonsense that was and was super loud and bothered everyone else. Later the teacher said to me: "Well, that was nothing. We could have saved ourselves that." It wasn't a nice dream. Hello! * Sighs. * - I'm pleased. Welcome to our school. - Thanks very much. Hi. Thank you for letting me be there. * disturbing music * Thumps quite a bit. Mainly because individual students have been coming towards me the whole time and I wonder what they think of me, what I'm doing here, why I have a book in my hand. * Sighs. * The nervousness is getting really neat. That the students think I'm weird or make fun of me. I think that's the great fear that maybe still a little bit from back then. I've done this before as a teacher, so I wasn't nervous. It's okay there, but that's us humans at this age. It was just difficult then. * Train noise * I used to have stomach ache when I stood here. It always got one step closer to the situation I didn't want. To be here again now is a very uncomfortable feeling. I feel very restless. Many memories come up. I haven't been there for a long time. Well, I'm 28 years old now, I graduated from high school when I was 18. I haven't been there since. * Engine noise * Hello. - Hello. I hope I go out with a good feeling. Can pack a positive on these negative memories, That I think afterwards that maybe I have coped with something. * Engine noise * Now I feel like I'm twelve again. * Engine noise * I want to hide deep inside my jacket. I don't know as protection? I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now. Not because I'm here. Because I know where it's going. (Announcement voice) City center. * quiet music * to me every day felt terrible. I couldn't sleep in the evening because I was so scared that I would wake up in the morning and go to school. I set my alarm clock an hour earlier than I had to, so that I know when I wake up I don't have to go to school, but have some time. Then I could sleep again. You shimmy from day to day and don't even want to wake up. That's how I imagine it, when you are sentenced to death and then run towards the gallows, that's how it feels. So a really terrible feeling of "The time will come soon". The pulse gets faster. Oh god, this school! * calm music * * music increases. * There is the school yard behind. It starts there and goes way back there. Looks like jail, no. * disturbing music * I was up the stairs and then left. Then there was one classroom, the second. This is where I picked up my school bag when it flew out the window. They said something stupid about me and my family, as always. I just ignored them and kind of stared into my notebook. I did this because a teacher told me to ignore her and that would help. If you don't respond, they take it a step further. In that case it was that they threw my school bag out the window. It was incredibly ashamed to pick up the school bag here while people look up there and then laugh because they achieved what they wanted. One day I was sitting outside during the break and ate my lunch and my bullies were standing in a circle a few meters away from me, talking. Then one of them just came up to me and hit my face for no reason, causing my nose to bleed. My first thought was: "Nobody should see that." I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in until it stopped bleeding because I was so uncomfortable. The next morning I was in class. The doorbell rang at break, all classmates were out and I sat there and couldn't move. I stayed where I was until my teacher came and asked, "Norman, what's going on?" I thought this was the chance. Maybe he'll help you. I said he came to me yesterday during the break, hit me in the face, my nose was bleeding. Now I'm scared of going out for this to happen again. Then he said: "A story like that always takes two." I said, "I didn't do anything, sat there, ate the sandwich. He came and hit my face." "Aren't you exaggerating a bit, beaten?" "Yes, my nose was bleeding. He hit me." "Maybe he meant to tell you that he wanted to be friends." A grown man who said that to me. * quiet music * On the way up I had a very heavy feeling in my stomach. But I think it was a good decision. I can go to the places where this happened without feeling totally helpless. The bullying has stopped physically, but the raging continues inside. That eats its way into you. That brands you. Bullying is about self-worth, about the feeling that you are a valuable person yourself. This is where bullying goes, it hurts. When that is shaken, especially at such a young age, it is very difficult to rebuild it. The voices of the bullies, they accompany you on. You get up in the morning and look in the mirror and think: "Fat pig!" Because you always heard it like that in the past. It has become so eaten that it comes automatically. When I'm out with friends, I think they'd be happier, they'd have more fun if I wasn't here. Nobody wants to be my friend, I've heard that so often. This thought is written deeply into my self-worth. * quiet music * I have a very exciting coming-out consultation today. I'm gay myself and the AIDS service is a very important institution for the LGBTQ community. When I came out , I wished for a job like this, I wouldn't have dared go to Frankfurt. I think it's good to be able to give something back. Bullying still affects my work today. I sit in counseling and think that the person would be better off with someone else. Then I sit in the training. We advise each other to give feedback. Everyone is really excited about what I'm doing. That doesn't go with what I think of myself. Hello, this is Norman from Aidshilfe Frankfurt. We have a phone appointment. Is it right for you? But you don't have to be afraid. If you don't like to answer something, that's perfectly fine. Have you ever had a diagnosis of syphilis? No, good. Have you had unprotected anal or vaginal sex in the past three months ? No. How high do you rate your risk of contracting HIV or another STD , rather low, rather or high? Rather low. OK. I think that's half the battle, catching people and relieving them of negative emotions. That would have been half the battle for me in bullying back then, someone who takes me seriously and says: "It's terrible that this is happening to you . Thank you for the courage to tell me. I'll help you with it." Please. There you sit, here I sit. What has happened since Monday? Yes, quite a few. - a lot? Let's hear it. I got very positive feedback. I had also posted that, first of all saying that I don't fully identify as a woman. Then came counter questions, I didn't have to say much. It's nice when you notice that others are interested. Then you like to talk too. Who's next? I already talked to my mother about it this morning. Oh, that's a big step! - Yes. - Oh, crazy. She didn't get it right. - What did you tell her? Just that we do it today. She's a little afraid of how my environment will react. Of course, you always have to expect negative voices. An exciting process. But also the feeling of being able to change something cool, right? Yes, of course it's difficult, because somehow you try to fit into a picture. I think you just learn a lot to hear other people's evaluations and to take them to heart. It's difficult to get out of there again. I once heard advice that went somehow: "Only accept criticism from people from whom you would also accept advice." If I think someone is incompetent in a matter or think someone is a bad person, I would not take advice. Then I shouldn't accept any criticism from him. * quiet music * On the school trip I tried to make friends and made an effort to get along well with the others. We laughed and talked a lot, even when we were already in bed. I confessed that I was in love with a girl in my class. I fell asleep feeling good and thought this is the day you will finally make friends. I woke up in the morning because my arms and legs were being dragged out of bed. They said: "We say now that you are in love with her. They carried me across the hallway and down the stairwell in front of their door and thrown me there. She was already there, looked at me and said: " I don't want anything from you .. "with a lot of disgust in her voice all others were standing around it, have shown to me and laughed at me after you So, we as a visit to Mr. Norman Wolf Hi -.!.!. Hi What is again bullying you know? Still, how do you recognize that bullying is taking place or has taken place? That it is going on over a certain period of time. That several children are against one. - Exactly. "Longer period of time" is always related to this, exactly. "Is excluded." We are allowed to yes no smartphones at the school use. That's why I told you that printed out. This is a chat history. Let us now even listen to some of it. "no one from the class like you." Were shit, when you get something like that, yes. "You're so stupid." - And? - Shit. "Tomorrow wi rd you are no longer well. " Well, I would be just scared. I wouldn't dare to go to school anymore. Yes very good. Exactly. So I would go to the school management or my parents and tell them that. That would be a very good solution, yes. Not everyone dares to do it all the time. We all agree that this news is not nice at all and that no one wants to receive it. I also know more how it is. And yes, I think it's stupid when you're bullied. It has changed that now I am a little careful what I say and write, how I phrase it. It has happened to my friends before. I have ... So I was told it too. Then I also noticed how bad it is and how it can hurt a person. Yes, I think I won't do something like that more often during the breaks. It could also go on for a long time. And at some point it would come up with such strange ideas as suicide. I don't think anyone wants anything like that, especially not as a child. The important thing is to work preventively so that it doesn't get to the point where there are cases of bullying. We experience conflicts every day. Bullying is also not something that can be talked about out of the world. It takes place, often in secret. So that it doesn't get that big in the first place, we have to intervene early on. I think it's great that there is something like that here. I just observed something in class, this prevention training, and it touched me a lot. Because the twelve-year-old in me who was bullied at the time thought to himself: "Wow!". If there had been something like that for me back then , it would have looked different. Yes, with us it is like I said: School social work does the so-called "Intervention 1", including with trained teachers. The class teacher also comes because he knows the students best. They think about how to stop the bullying. Then "Intervention 2" starts at our school. We then come into class and work with the whole class. What we also try is that other students become more courageous in such situations when you notice something like that. Social media plays a big role right now when it comes to bullying here at school. We can see that too. That's the problem: it happens during the break. You have arrived home safe and secure, you look at your cell phone, you are constantly invited into groups, even if you step out or if you are blocked or something. Parents have to learn that when cyberbullying occurs, that they say: "Yes, turn off the cell phone." It's not that easy anymore. I can't turn off the cell phone without isolating myself socially, without having any disadvantages at school as a result. You can teach that to children in schools. If someone insults me on Whatsapp, do I write to the group administrator? Am I blocking the people? What can I do? That sounds stupid, but first a screenshot has to be taken. And then it is essential that you approach a trusted person again. * quiet piano music * * ringtone * For me it's a kind of therapy to write it down. The opportunity to take my bullying experiences out of my head and put them on the shelf. I've got a lot of feedback from people who have been bullying, telling me they feel less alone after reading the book. What touched me very much was the feedback from a mother. Because two or three years ago, I can't remember exactly, her son had killed himself after a long history of bullying . Very, very bad story, so, I ... Wow, it's really difficult to talk about. That tells me it's important to work on such a topic. Because there are people who urgently need this help. So it was a response that just touched me a lot. * quiet music * One day we should make such a landscape picture for art class . I got help from my grandpa: "Can you help me where to go so I can sign something?" We went to the Main together and he showed me how to draw it correctly, the river and the bridge over it. It was a really nice afternoon. In the next art lesson , I sat there and continued working on the picture. Then my bully came over and emptied his dirty brush water over my picture. I already felt the tears well up inside of me. I was about to start crying and somehow: I got angry. He responded and said: "Come on, it's not that bad. I'll dry it up again." He grabbed my jacket and rubbed it into the picture, so rubbed it over the picture and thus turned the picture into shreds. There was nothing left of it. I thrashed around and cried loudly and buried my head between my arms. Because that wasn't just my picture, but the beautiful memory I had with my grandpa. * thoughtful music * There are always very mixed feelings. I grew up here, have fond memories of the place, but also many bad ones. For me, eating was THE positive feeling. That was the only thing I had. It worked quickly. Then I had put on five, ten, 15 kilos in a jiffy. Today I still have stretch marks on my thighs and stomach. Those are scars, no. So like my physical scars, I also have physical scars. Fear flowed into it. The more I gained weight, the more uncomfortable I felt. I was even less daring to approach others and make friends. * quiet music * I have these critical voices from my bullies in my head back then. My grandpa my dissenting voice. He took me for who I was. That was just what I needed in that time. I didn't dare say, "I'm being bullied, I need help." I needed a place to cry myself I could do it then. I came home after school. Dropped my satchel, got behind and cried. My grandpa put his hand on my back and said: "Everything will be fine." It all started in fifth grade when I was ten. It was really bad by the end of the seventh grade. Then it slowly got better, but it dragged on to the tenth grade. It was stormy at home. My father had a drinking problem. My mother threw him out because there was only stress, because he kind of kept coming home drunk. Some of my bullies stayed seated or dropped out of school. Then I got rid of them. In tenth grade they were all gone. When it was over and I could concentrate on studying, I really blossomed. I noticed that I can concentrate on school. It was really fun again. I got home good grades. I graduated from high school and was able to study psychology. Stewie. - Hello. Maybe that's not so bad here. I would generally leave out the photos. Oh my God, this is very good. Oh yeah. How about that? Oh God, yes. Where do all the photos come from? - I'm not throwing anything away. I love photos. Look here. There you are. - I didn't have that in my head anymore. Good heavens. I look like I'm very uncomfortable. Yes, your shoulders hang forward like that too. I look exactly how I felt back then. I'm hiding. I'm kind of grinning at the camera. But you can see that I don't mean it that way. I didn't notice it at all. I'm 2.5 years older. I was just in my teens. Little has opened up to me in that time. We have a much better relationship today than before. I only found out when I read his book. I had tears in my eyes as I read. I was so sorry for that. I would have loved to help him. After reading the book, I called him and said, "Why didn't you ever say anything?" Because there is so much going on at home, I thought that you had been away a lot to avoid it all. You've been away a lot with friends. - Yes. You weren't really tangible. I didn't tell you because you felt far away. I didn't tell mom because she has her head full of problems of her own. There was no place. I would never have said anything. You always have been like that. You thought of the others first. I don't know how that came about. That must have been out of the affect that they were looking for someone to bully. He was the victim at the moment. It was shit. If you don't know that, but only find out much later, you could have acted and acted very differently back then. You could have hit the table, sought a conversation with parents, teachers. It should all have happened. That that didn't happen is actually the biggest shame. It's such a nice feeling to know that help would have been there back then if I had said something. It's a plaster on an old wound, knowing that my big brother says: I would have come with you and had a look. That feels really good. If we had mixed them up. That heals. If that happens again today, we'll do it when we are 30. Wow. - Everything for you. In any case. I'm excited. You're all wearing jeans. Realistic is a ... After all, I have my dirty chucks on. We can't share a beer. We already share a house. It must be enough. It is more difficult to reach out to people when you have been bullying because you expect rejection. When I approach others, get to know others, I have the feeling that I am not allowed to say or admit things. It makes me nervous when someone asks me what my favorite music is, which series I watch. I am afraid that I will be rated. With my close friends, I can be who I am without being devalued. I have to get rid of a card. I'm sorry. We are all very particular in our circle of friends as we are. Everyone is a little bit crazy in their own way. That’s totally okay. Everyone is allowed to let out their madness somehow, and yet we love and love each other. I'm about a very big Harry Potter nerd, and always will be. That already sparked various discussions at the table. There is nothing better than coming home after a stressful day and having a little wine in front of the TV and watching a stupid series. Something dull, where you don't have to think. Where you can say: "They definitely don't go together." But that's what you think about 95 percent of these series. That's why it's fun. I think they are cast in a way that they fit together. Dating shows are cast? I can't even imagine that. Okay guys, I'll kick the door in then. Ten years ago I was uncomfortable eating in front of others. I felt like I could be doing something wrong. I was uncomfortable tying my shoelaces in front of others. I was uncomfortable telling others what kind of music I like to listen to. I want to be able to say that. I'll have burgers with you in a moment. I will definitely fuck myself up. But it is okay. I am also bullied for eating my pizza from the backside. Ah, accident! I can't remember when we talked about it. He is my best friend. We've known each other since the end of 2012 or something. We also lived in a shared apartment and talked for a long time and a lot about all kinds of things and exchanged ideas with one another. I was always good at school. This is often a point of attack for bullying, so that's where I have my experience with. That was always an issue. I didn't know beforehand that Norman had bullying experience. I also have to honestly say, had he not told me that, I would not have noticed it or expected it. Norman is an open, friendly, warm person. I think she really did. It is important to show solidarity. That people who are not directly affected don't look the other way or stand by, but actively help to improve the situation. Be a little more empathetic with other people, ask yourself: Before I judge them, I want to know how the person is doing. Maybe I want to run two or three steps on your shoes and just be more accepting, open, accepting and empathic. I am nervous. I've never talked about bullying like that in a school class. Hi. I'm pleased. - Welcome to our school. Thanks. It's throbbing a lot, especially because individual students are already approaching me. I wonder what they think of me. Hi! Oh, that was the microphone. Test test. Can you hear me? You are all so calm and excited, how beautiful. That's me when I was about your age, 12, 13. I wasn't feeling well during that time. I'll read something to you to show you why not and how it all started back then. There was a situation where I was sitting in class five minutes before school started when there was still no teacher. I sat and stared into my notebook, hoping no one would notice me. And then one of my bullies came up to me and asked if I had a hickey here. I just scratched myself and said: This is not a hickey. "But why is it so red?" I explained to him: my skin turns red quickly when I scratch it. I shouldn't have told him that. Then the second came and held me. The other grabbed my head and scratched my forehead with a swastika. And everyone laughed. This is bullying. The others are stronger than you. They are in the majority and you cannot free yourself. That's the tragic thing about it. You. I was bullied continuously for seven years. Pretty much anything you can imagine happened. Things broke. I even broke my leg once, broke an arm once. I've been to many schools that I've switched to because of bullying. Thanks. Do you want to say something too? I was bullied for two years at school because I was new to school. I was often thrown with sand. It was a triple course. They always felt cool. They kept tipping my bike over. So I didn't do anything. I had it done. I couldn't concentrate very well either. I often got bad grades. I was feeling bad. You were bullied because you were new to school. What a stupid reason. It is important to understand that you are not being bullied for being or acting in some way. You're being bullied because the bullies who do this have to put someone down. They have to put someone down to feel better about themselves. It `s not my fault. You wouldn't be able to change anything by changing yourself. Do you have any questions? What did your parents say about the bullying? I didn't tell my parents. That was the problem. They had so many problems themselves that I didn't dare to go one better. Which was a stupid idea. Say something, don't make the same mistake as me. How did your parents react when they found out you had a big problem with bullying? My mom is still reading the book. She reads there very slowly. I think it's pretty hard for her to find out everything in retrospect. I did n't talk to her about it much while I was writing it either. We talked about how important it is to intervene, not to look the other way . That is why it is important that teachers do something. You are valuable. I liked the lecture very much. That touched me. I think it's a strong young man too. And the scars he has now remind him that he has overcome the bad times too. He can be proud of himself. I am proud of myself. I was tense, very tense. There were many interested children and so many questions. So many have experienced bullying themselves and maybe that's why they were so interested in it. I believe that I was able to reach them and give them a few things that are valuable and that it is not their fault. Maybe you will go home with a better feeling today. The others are prepared in case something happens. I think I did something really good. You could say it's a plaster on the wounds from back then. Maybe they are a little better closed now. I mean clearly dealing with bullying, one of which is a life's work. But I think I've just taken a big step in the right direction. Copyright subtitle: hr 2021