I want to propose something to you all today uh I want to propose that you resolve something very powerful to love who you are right now and of course I think that wanting to be your best self and setting goals and intentions is really major take a moment to look at what is really running through your mind about yourself that may be holding you back the energy of the universe responds to positivity so if you're telling yourself you're not slim enough you're not good enough when that negative chatter starts in your head stops lean away from it when you let those thoughts of not being enough seep in you can't really act out the best of yourself so your actions must be in alignment with all the goodness and strengths that you know to be true about yourself life is like a wave and you ride it through the ups and downs the study times and then you anchor yourself in the storms a mistake is a life experience designed to move you in a different direction and a mistake might be more important to your Supreme Destiny than even a Triumph know that your life is way bigger than anyone experienced so when those mistakes happen you use them to guide you to the next right mood what mistake or mistakes have you made in your life that you need to number one forgive yourself for and what mistakes turned out to be blessings in disguise it's all about progress not about perfection because nobody's perfect it's about progress I believe that when you're fully present that's when you're actually Fully Alive you're clearer you're more calm you're not distracted and able to experience all the nuance and wonder of a life more awakened so when we can just tune into what's just in front of us life becomes simpler and less crowded with the to Do's the what ifs and the why Nots and when you need to focus on what to do or what to do next the focus is just that so deeper human connection comes from that way of operating in the world and the now becomes your everything now this is what I know that it's one of the most impactful spiritual practices knowing the Power of Now because the only moment we all have you have I have is now past already gone the future not even your next breath guaranteed letting go of energy that's clouding your vision and holding you back it's a life practice that I learned long ago that has freed me so many ways it's a fact that holding grudges against somebody who's done you wrong or replaying revisiting hurtful situations in your head over and over only weighs you down and prevents you from being who you're meant to be right now because you're still energetically holding on to the past the energy that you put into constantly rewinding to the resentment why did they do that why did they say that to me I didn't deserve to be treated that way all of that only keeps you stuck it will never change what happened you've gotta press stop and reject the urge to keep replaying so that you can then fast forward Into the Now for yourself you know a lot of people think that holding on to things that disempowered them is going to somehow magically turn it around you have to release the notion give up the hope that the past could have been any different and you also must release the idea that people would do what you might do in any given instance this is a big one I had to learn and relearn before I actually got it expecting people to do what you would do in a situation only leads to your disappointment not theirs they're going on with their life so let people be who they are and either you accept it or you don't not doing that keeps you stuck in a circumstance that actually costs you time costs you energy and I can guarantee that oftentimes the person on the other side of the bitterness you're holding on to they're not even thinking about you in fact they probably have just moved on they certainly aren't obsessing the way you are think of it like letting go of any bad habit that just doesn't serve your well-being not an easy task taking the road to a more enlightened healthy existence never is so this is what I want to ask you to ask yourself why am I holding on to this how is this serving me and really think about the answer maybe it makes you feel validated maybe it makes you feel righteous or maybe taking on the pain is your way of recognizing the Injustice so that even though it won't be made right it can at least not be forgotten it's very difficult for me to even see myself as successful because I still see myself as in the process of becoming successful to me successful is getting to the point where you are absolutely comfortable with yourself and it does not matter how many things you have acquired the ability to learn to say no and not to feel guilty about it to me is about the greatest success I have achieved it's the same thing that prevents you from being abused as a child that prevents you from being abused as an adult that allows you to build success for yourself I will not be treated this way I demand only the best for myself you are worthy to say no you work that it's okay if you say no it's okay if you say no and then people don't like you that's really okay the important thing is how you feel about what you're doing how you feel about yourself it's a long struggle though it's a long struggle and I'm just hoping that you know in the works that I do on the show and the speaking that I do around the country and that young people who are watching this can get the lesson sooner than I did because it's painful because you keep repeating it over and over and over until you get it right and what I found is that every time you have to repeat the lesson it gets worse because it's you know it's I I call it God trying to get your attention the universe trying to get your attention so we didn't get your attention the first time so we're gonna have to hit you a little harder this time so I'm still doing it I'm still learning turn your wounds into wisdom you will be wounded many times in your life you'll make mistakes some people will call them failures but I have learned that failure is really God's way of saying excuse me you're moving in the wrong direction what is the truest highest Vision that you hold for yourself no matter where you are in your life there's always the next level there's always the next level to the last breath so I feel that I always knew that I would get be done with the show when I felt like oh I've said as much as I could say here on this platform so I feel that until you have used your value as a human being you're not done I teach them that there is no life without cultivating a spiritual life because you are first and foremost a spiritual being having a human experience and if you lose sight of that it's easy to get lost in the world and no one can save a world that they're lost in when they've lost sight of their own North Star so having a spiritual life actually means actively and ritually creating the space in your life all the time for gratitude for kindness for empathy for inspiration for joy and for reverence for life in the home of your soul first and then working to spread that inner Joy outward it means slowing down it means taking in the moment it means being exactly where you are not distracted somewhere else it means knowing who you are and getting about the business of fulfilling why you really came to our planet it is your job to make yourself whole not perfect but whole and full your world work in life your real work is to fill yourself till your cup runneth over so that you're never grasping and needy clamoring and insecure when you're saying I know who I am and I'm telling you it's the thread that runs through everything it's the thing that allows you to stand in your own truth and one of the things for years at Maya Angelou used to say to me is baby you need to know that you alone are enough you alone are enough what I know for sure is that in this world time is a moving on and it's our most valuable commodity you can never get it back so staying in that Loop playing it over and over in your head of hurt only amplifies your pain Let It Go exhale make room in your heart for something that is uplifting surround yourself with people who want the best for you you have the ability to shift the DNA of your spirit and control how you perceive life so why not lighten your load and Let It Go living integrity means living in a way that honors your truest self it's doing the thing that you know you're supposed to do my friend Martha Beck says deep down we all know what makes us happy and how to create your best possible life and that knowledge is actually coded into your very nature but I also know how challenging it can be to listen and trust your own inner voice especially when you feel the pressures of what everybody else thinks you're supposed to be doing you're supposed to get married you're supposed to stay married you're supposed to have a baby you're supposed to have Picture Perfect comb but here's something that I'm hoping you all will realize for yourself sometimes it takes doing the things that people or Society say you're not supposed to be doing to find out what is true for you what is what are you really supposed to be doing for example at the very beginning of my career some of you've heard the story I worked as a news anchor and reporter in Baltimore taught me a lot about life during that time I knew I wasn't being my authentic self I didn't like doing the news I I just didn't like it but the voice of my father who thought he knew what I was supposed to do and even my own voice saying wow this is an important job my father was saying don't you give up that job girl you're making 25 000 you're never gonna make that in one year So eventually my bosses let their feelings be known they took me off the news and put me on this local talk show called people are talking and when that decision was made at first I thought it was a demotion but after one day on that talk show I felt so energized and so fueled I knew that I had come home to myself and that's what living Integrity even in your work feels like so trust me when I say that only you know what that feels like for you and with that in mind I want us to be more in alignment with the truth for ourselves this week who you're meant to be who you are right now what have you been waiting and wanting to do all those insights should fuel your decisions about how you move through the world right now pay attention to what makes you feel lit up from the inside examine any moments when you're you're you're you're head saying one thing and you're your spirit is saying another and everybody has a different talent and the reason we're all so messed up is because you're looking at everybody else's Talent yeah and wishing you had some of their talent all the energy that you spend thinking about wishing about being jealous of envious of anybody else is energy that you're not only putting out is going to come back to you negatively but you're taking that away from you all your energy should be forced on what do I have to offer what do I have to give how can I be used in service because Dr King's message of not everybody can be famous but everybody can be great because greatness is determined by service and there is not a job in here that you can do that you don't switch the Paradigm to service and not make that job more fulfilling I don't care what the job is if you say if I look at this from how do I use this in service to something bigger than myself it no longer becomes a job it becomes an offering to the world there is not one thing that has ever happened to you not one experience not one encounter not one crisis not one joyful thing that hasn't happened just to make you better and help you rise every single thing you're calling in whether you know it or not when you figure out that you are calling it in you actually start meditating or praying or doing or having a spiritual practice which is the number one thing you need if you want to be successful in the world you need something that gives back and nourishes you regardless of what you call that you need to you need to fill your cup so that you can be so full your cup runneth over and you have enough to give to other people if you don't fill your cup you end up dried up you end up tired exhausted and don't have enough to give to other people you end up resentful every time somebody asks you because your cup is empty and now they want some of yours so your number one job your number one job is to fill your cup and make yourself whole that's your job and I am now at this stage of my career thinking about how to do that more poignantly and fruitfully I'm now looking for ways that I can do that to create a level of sustainability in within our communities that will go long Beyond you know my lifetime everything you even try to do to me is already done to you that is not just a rhetorical saying that is law that is Newton's third law of motion in physics which says everything that goes out is coming back it's just like everything that goes up is coming down may take a long time to come down is coming down everything that goes out is coming back it's coming back so to answer the power of manifestation and meditation what meditation does is sync you up with the source what meditation does is allows you to literally tap into the power that created you so that you are in alignment with that and so when you carry that out into the world everything that you do comes from the center of that alignment that's coming from the source that we call God we call Divine energy Divine intelligence whatever name you want to give it to we call life when you are synced up with life life just gives to you wherever you are in your life in your relationships every person that you encounter every experience the person wants to know was that okay was that okay and what I started to hear was that what people are really saying is did you hear me did you hear me and did what I say mean anything to you and so I started to listen with that in mind with that intention of validating that your being here you're speaking to me you're taking the time to do this with me is important because you matter and that's true for everybody who's watching or listening that every argument that you ever have every encounter the person just wants to know did you hear me did you see me and did I say anything you will find true success and happiness [Music] to fulfill the highest most truthful expression of yourself as a human being you want to max out your Humanity by using your energy to lift yourself up your family and the people around you Theologian Howard Thurman said it best he said don't ask yourself what the world needs ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive do you believe that you are worthy of Happiness do you believe that happiness success abundance Comfort fulfillment peace Joy love is a part of your Birthright is that what you believe or do you believe something else because you will manifest the life that you believe I've always known that no matter what my belief is I'm going to be all right empowerment is Authority it is a sign permission slip to actually seize the day it's the process of getting stronger and more confident and more engaged and to be empowered is to move through the world without any kind of fear or any kind of apology and with these gifts comes in even deeper privilege I believe and that is the ability to take charge of your own life to own yourself and claim your rights and here's what I know for sure that to whom much is given much is expected and I have been given so much I've earned it I've been blessed with it but I've been given a lot and that's why I've chosen to use my life to lift other people up nobody's journey is seamless or smooth we all stumble we all have setbacks if things go wrong you hit a dead end as you will it's just life's way of saying time to change course so ask every failure this is what I do every failure every crisis every difficult time I say what is this here to teach me and as soon as you get the lesson you get to move on if you really get the lesson you pass and you don't have to repeat the class if you don't get the lesson it shows up wearing another pair of pants or skirt to give you some remedial work and what I found is that difficulties come when you don't pay attention to Life's whisper because life always Whispers to you first first and if you ignore the Whispers sooner or later you'll get a scream whatever you resist persists but if you ask the right question not why is this happening but what is this here to teach me what is this here to teach me it puts you in the place and space to get the lesson you need I have always known this about celebrity the real power of being somebody that somebody knows and I really think that the only difference between being famous and not is that more people know your name so the only difference between understanding that is understanding that what Selma has done what Susan has done what Anna has done Rebecca has done what Jim has done what I've done you too can do because true philanthropy comes from living from the heart of yourself and giving what you have been given how will you do that how will you use your personality the energy of your personality to serve that which is your Soul's Calling I know this for sure any life no matter how fantastic it is how glorious it seems how much attention you receive how much square footage you have any life and every life is enhanced by the sharing and the giving and the opening up of the heart space your life gets better when you can find a way to share it with someone else so what we've done you can do the real empowerment comes when every person leaves this room and makes a decision makes a decision maybe that decision is that you will write a check and support some of the wonderful organizations you've heard here today true decision is how will you use yourself how will you use everything that you have been given to serve that which is greater than yourself how will you use that to become truly authentically empowered now it is a beautiful thing to receive an award and to be on the cover of variety thank you very much it's a beautiful thing but the true reward is in the lives that you are able to touch and the people who you know you have impacted I live and move and have my being and you want to know why I am really so successful I knew that at four years old I knew that when my grandmother said you better watch me now because one day you will have to learn how to wash these clothes and hang them up like this so and watch How I hold these clothes pins in my mouth I want and the reason I could do that is because Spirit otherwise known as intuition my instinct said that's not gonna be my life so we all have that spiritual side and this lesson tonight is about connecting to it I believe that beneath the surface of all physical problems is a spiritual solution there is a spiritual solution why because you are a spiritual being having a human experience that's the beginning of understanding spirituality you are a spiritual being having a human experience I would say reading is the strongest signal for success in the future that I've ever seen it is the strongest strongest strongest I got my first job in radio uh when I was 16 years old because I've been broadcasting since I was 16 years old but my first job I got because I was a great reader when you are a great reader you can articulate and speak and command the English language in ways that other people cannot and people think you're a lot smarter than you are lots of times because you're a great reader if somebody ever says to you if you're ever rejected in that way you never ever ever forget it I said but it's okay I did okay you did okay it's all right but the answer to your question is if you can find what is your passion if you find what you love you never get tired or if you do get tired if you you're fueled by the energy of your work so I believe that that what has happened to me is really the beginning of the greater passion to come but if you find out what you're supposed to do and you know what you're supposed to do behind how it feels you know people wait on the voice of God to be some the Moses and burning bush I think that was only Bible talk you know because he doesn't come to burning bushes for people he comes through your heart he speaks through your heart through your feelings and so you know what if you're doing the right thing if it feels like it's right to you and when you hit the thing that feels right when you know it's the right thing you would you know it's right because it gives you your juice and you know it's right because you would do it for nothing you would do it for nothing and find a way to be able just to do it in order to be able to continue that's how you know you're doing what you're supposed to be doing from time to time you may stumble fall you will for sure count on this no doubt you will have questions and you will have doubts about your path but I know this if you're willing to listen to be guided by that still Small Voice that is the GPS within yourself to find out what makes you come alive you will be more than okay you will be happy you will be successful and you will make a difference in the world many times you will have angst and worry about things and put yourself in a state like someone said this morning because their phone went off they were mortified over a phone I said really um you will put yourself in a state when the other person really isn't even thinking about you so learning that I could specifically determine for myself what the boundaries were for me what I wanted to do give my money give my time give of my service to who I wanted to give it to when I did that I get to make that decision and just because you get a hundred requests a week doesn't mean you have to try to fulfill all of that just because you have all of these demands on your time and on you doesn't mean that you have to say yes you get to decide because you're the master of your fate the captain of your soul is William Ernest Henley said and Invictus and understanding that really changed the meaning of my life in that I was not no longer driven by what other people wanted me to do but took charge of my own destiny making choices based upon what do I feel is the next right move for me create a baseline for ourselves that's based on intention this is around 1989 when I'd read Gary zhukov's book called the seat of the soul and that book was life-changing for me because in it he talked about the power of intention and that cause and effect what goes out comes back is determined by your intention the energy of your intention is what determines your life most people don't think about their intention they just think about what they want to do most people don't think about why they want to do it but what's going to come back to you the energy that's going to come back to you is the real why of why you did it I was hired in television not knowing anything about it having in mind Barbara Walters but thinking oh okay I can do that not knowing how to write or film or anything and I think it was because it was the it was the times and I literally had somebody who was willing to work with me that that I managed to find my way but I had to find my way because the reporting never really fit me and what did work for me I'm this old I'm so old that when I started that it was a year of live action cam and so it was like video cameras live and so the news stations would do a live a live shot they would throw to somebody live even if nothing was going on and what I found is wasn't so good at the writing part but if I was just standing up and talking about what had just happened it was really good and then I started to feel so I started in 19 working in television became an anchor immediately afterwards I could feel inside myself that reporting was not the right thing for me even though I was happy to have the job I got an offer to go to Atlanta I was making ten thousand dollars a year in 1971 but still in college I was thinking I was doing pretty good I got an offer to go to Atlanta for 40 000 which I thought it's over I'm gonna make forty thousand dollars and my boss at the time said to me you do not know what you don't know and you need to stay here until you can learn to write better until you can perfect your craft as as a journalist and so I he said and we can't give you 40 but we can give you 12. so to make a long story short because I'd be here all day just talking about how it all came about I started listening to what felt like the truth for me this is I started to feel that porting wasn't for me but I had my father I had my friends everybody was saying oh my god you're an anchor woman you're on TV I mean you can't give up that job and when I was by the time I was making 25 my father goes well you just hit the jackpot you're not gonna make no more money than that that's just it so I was torn between what the world was saying to me and what I felt to be the truth for myself it felt like an unnatural act for me reporting although I knew that a lot of people it was glamorous and I started to just inside myself think what what do I really want to do what I really want to do and I will say this knowing what you don't want to do is the best possible place to be if you don't know what to do because knowing what you don't want to do leads you to figure out what is it you you really do want to do when I was a news reporter it was so unnatural for me I you know to cover somebody's tragedies and difficulties and then to not to feel anything for it if I were to put it in business terms it or or to leave you with a message that the truth is I have from the very beginning listened to my instinct all of my best decisions in life have come because I was attuned to what really felt like the next right move for me so when I got the call to come to Chicago after you know starting with a with a co-anchor and and working on in talk for several years I knew that it was the right thing to do every single person except my best friend Gail said you're gonna fail every single person when I left all day my bosses by this time thought I was terrific and said you're gonna you're you're walking into a land mile you're gonna fail you're going to fail Chicago's a racist City you're black you're not going to make everything to keep me saying that you then offered me a car and an apartment and all this stuff and I said no if I fail then I will find out what is the next thing for me and I was not one of those people you know all of my um the people who worked with me in news they would have their tapes and they'd have their stories and they'd have you know resumes ready I didn't have any of that because I knew that the time would come where I would where what I needed would show up for me and when that showed up I was ready because my definition of luck is preparation meeting the moment of opportunity and I was prepared to be able to step into that that world of talk in a way that I I knew I could do it I changed how I viewed power about 1989 there was a book I read by a man named Gary zhukov called seed of the Soul and inside of the Soul he defined what is true power what is authentic power and and his definition of authentic power meaning the kind of power that can never be taken from you not your looks not your Fame not your money not your square footage but authentic power is when the personality your personality comes to serve the energy of your soul when you are able to align who you are who you've become in the world with really what you've come to do in the world when your personality serves the soul so I thought a lot about that that book was actually life-changing for me and I was building a home in Santa Barbara and as anybody who's ever built a bathroom or a home or anything nothing ever happens on time and it was 2002 and we're supposed to be finished and it wasn't finished and I was like I can't wait to get in my house and I'm finally going to have a great Christmas and I'm going to do the kind of Christmas that I dreamed of from The Courier and Ives you know carts I'm going to have the Reeds on the door and but I didn't have a floor so it's a little difficult to do that so I started to think if I can't do that Christmas well what what am I going to do for Christmas my house isn't even ready and what can I do so I started as I was walking around through the trees sitting under that tree because my favorite time is to be alone with my thoughts and as I was alone with my thoughts I was thinking what would be the next best possible Christmas for myself and I thought of the best Christmas I ever had the best Christmas I ever had was when I was 12 years old my mother was on welfare I was living with my mother and a half brother and sister in Milwaukee my mother called me the oldest to say into a room to say we won't be having Christmas this year we won't be having Christmas what about Santa Claus there is no Santa Claus I had already figured that out but okay I was embarrassed and I was ashamed because for the first time I had to face the reality that yeah what I've been suspecting that we're not like the other kids that we really are poor is true so we're not going to have Christmas and there is no Santa Claus my first thought after being embarrassed ashamed was what will my story be what am I going to tell everybody when we go back to school and they're showing their toys and I don't have anything to talk about what am I going to do I'm not going to go outside tomorrow when everybody is out in the yards in their yards showing the toys they got for Christmas I'm going to stay inside am I going to pretend I'm sick what is my story going to be well late that night some nuns showed up at our house and they brought a basket of food and they brought toys for my uh my brother and my sister [Music] and I was overwhelmed with joy that those nuns showed up not because they brought me a Tammy doll when I really wanted a Barbie doll I was overwhelmed because somebody remembered that we existed and somebody cared enough in the middle of the night to come to our house with food and toys and also I would now have a story so as I was contemplating what is the that was the best Christmas I ever had I thought how could I make that possible for somebody else what could I do to create the same kind of experience for other children so I took 50 members of my team at Harpo and hired another 50 people in South Africa and we went to South Africa with the idea of creating something that we ended up doing a documentary about called Christmas kindness Christmas kindness using my personality to serve the energy of my soul so we went from Village to Village offering toys and clothes food soccer balls to children who never experienced Christmas before and early in the morning you could see them lining up by the thousands to come and we actually went to 10 or 12 villages to do this and people said to me at the time oh that's so frivolous and the kids won't remember it and why don't you use your money to do something else more substantial Oprah and I said they may not remember the toy they may not remember the clothes although they were most excited the children to open boxes containing clothes because as their caretaker said to us having new clothes made them not feel poor and for so many of these kids was the first time they'd ever experienced having something that was new for them they may not remember what they got in the box but they will remember that somebody remembered them they will remember the experience I know you all have heard the phrase everybody makes mistakes countless times in your life and maybe even set it to console someone and encourage them to not dwell on a misstep so I'm asking today why do we let our mistakes overshadow our good decisions and accomplishments what I know for sure is that mistakes are here to help Define us and when I started the Oprah Winfrey Network oh I definitely made some mistakes some missteps we launched before we were ready and I gotta tell y'all if I knew then what I know now I would have done a lot of things differently I remember saying at the time if I was to write a book about it I would call it mistakes 101. sometimes when you aren't listening to those inner voices and the knowing of your own purpose you can get off track and even when I know how to listen sometimes if I don't Listen whoa I get off track really quickly you can get in the wrong relationships or you can do things prematurely get yourself off track well this is what I know every perceived mistake can be an opportunity to know better and do better and from that perspective there really is no such thing as failure we may perceive it that way in the moment but things always turn around and eventually lead you to the path that you're supposed to be on if you're paying attention what are you here to do what are you here to fulfill what are you here to offer maybe it's friendship companionship leadership maybe you're all the ships including the mothership that's always steering things forward for the rest of the people in your life well I want you to know this for sure life is like a wave and you ride it through the ups and downs the study times and then you anchor yourself in the storms a mistake is a life experience designed to move you in a different direction and a mistake might be more important to your Supreme Destiny than even a Triumph know that your life is way bigger than anyone experienced so when those mistakes happen you use them to guide you to the next right mood learn from it ask what is this here to teach me and then let it go because you're always where you need to be my favorite quote from Eckhart tolles A New Earth has gotten me through many a mistake and many a storm it says life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your Consciousness and how do you know this is the experience you need because this is the experience you are having at this moment that knowing has helped me through many a moments I never knew what a brand was when I start when I when I first started out I didn't even know what that was I became a brand by making every decision flow from the truth of myself every choice I made for every show that was going to be on the air I made based upon does this feel right does this feel right does this feel right is this going to help somebody is this going to help somebody that's not going to help somebody and I learned my my biggest teachers were were were people like the Ku Klux Klan and skinheads because I was sitting on television one day doing an interview with the KKK and I realized in that moment that the energy that I was broadcasting throughout the world was energy that I did not uh want to be a part of and so I literally in in the middle of a commercial break I just thought I will never do this again I will only allow my platform to be used for uh as a Force for good and that there are many forms of the KKK even if it's not called that so I really made a conscious decision to use myself and to use the platform for that which I thought was going to enhance uh Enlighten people in a way so that's the difference in that moment I stopped being used by television and made a decision to use television does this happen to y'all the older you get you find it hard to believe the number you are because you still feel like you've always felt at the end of this week I'm turning 68. it's I can't even fathom that number because when I was much younger 68 felt not just oh it felt ancient and now this is what I know just a marker how many trips you've been around the sun because we get to determine what that number means for each of us a good friend asked me recently did I consider myself retired and I say no I don't not a word in my vocabulary although I no longer do the show that was a Mainstay of my career I refocus my energy elsewhere and I'm always staying open to new possibilities and opportunities so I'm never close to new ideas producing new television dramas for own traveling so for me as I approach yet another turn around the Sun I truly truly many more Delights are ahead and I hope that you all feel the same barring major health setbacks age is whatever number you choose to feel Gail says she feels 45 I don't even have a number because I just feel like now the present moment because that's all we ever have the past is gone the future is not promised to anybody and when the future does show up it's still going to be the now so I live for I celebrate and consistently remind myself to stay in this moment doing whatever this moment requires giving it my full attention and in this moment I feel connected to the source of all things I feel wise and peaceful and content and yet this moment allows me to see it's never too late to reach a new height that you never thought possible or achieve a new goal it can be as small as picking up a new hobby to add a little more joy in your day as radical as moving across the country to pursue the life you've always wanted whatever you've dared to desire I encourage you to pursue it in the hopes of starting a next chapter that is bigger and Fuller than anything you've lived thus far so just keep growing and becoming more of yourself that's the goal the relationships through challenges through victories and setbacks big and small to recognize that you aren't just living out your days you are life expressing itself through your physical body your personality your emotions and it's never too late to take the reins and the famous lines of Invictus you are the master of your fate you are the captain of your soul you know Maya Angelou said to me years ago when I'd come back from doing my school in South Africa the opening of the school and I was she she wasn't able to attend so I came directly from South Africa to Maya's house Jay and I was sitting at the kitchen table and she was teaching how to make biscuits and I said oh my other school's going to be so that school's going to be my legacy it's going to be incredible and she said you have no idea what your legacy is going to be because your legacy is every life you touch your Legacy isn't one thing your legacy is everybody who was moved to who watched your show who went back to school who got out of a domestic violent relationship who changed the way they saw things what I what I realize is that if you come into success and Fame in particularly Fame because Fame is its own world and definition because it really is based upon what other people think of you so fake because Fame isn't what you think of yourself it's what other people think of you um when if you come into that and you don't have a grounded centered self you will be controlled by the outside instead of the inside and if you come into that not in the fullness of knowing who you are and what you're supposed to do with that Fame whenever somebody likes you or doesn't like you that determines whether or not you're having a good day or a bad day and you are you have lost control of your your own life so I think what Fame teaches you quickly is to grow the wholeness within yourself so that you're not controlled by others outside opinions of you each of us comes into the world with our own world view and that world view is actually shaped from the crib and you get from the world what you project into the world and you project into the world what you were raised with and what you were raised around so that's why what happened to you is the essential question I want people to understand most importantly that when you are arguing with a friend and they act like they can't hear you because they're arguing so strongly back at you they really can't because of the way the brain is structured so when you're in fear mode anxiety mode when you're really amped up you just need to both of you need to calm down take a walk take a break and come back well you start with understanding that your cup being full is how you allow yourself to give to other people you you can't give what you don't have you can't love if you haven't been loved you don't even know how to begin to do that so I think it begins with fundamentally understanding that you are worthy enough you are valuable enough you matter enough to give yourself the love that you deserve and that starts by taking out time for yourself so I have my own Rhythm and pattern I know that if I go six days and then on the seventh by the seventh or eighth don't give myself a break that lots of other things give that I'm not as alert I'm not as attuned I'm not as centered I'm not as focused so I know that that is that is my limit I cannot go beyond a certain amount of days and for me um walking in nature is my Solace it is where I feel that I am one with all and all being you know all creation and you know connected for other people it may be dancing it may be music it may be knitting it may be whatever it is that brings some kind of rhythmic pattern into your life actually it was Bruce and I were walking on my campus in South Africa and there were a group of girls dancing literally on the lawn because Lord knows they love to dance and Bruce says oh that's not just I said oh they're just having fun and Bruce said oh they're not just having fun they actually are healing themselves because the rhythmic pattern that's why when you've been in an argument with someone are you in the middle of an argument with somebody if you just go and take a walk or you go and turn on some music and you start dancing if you just have some form of movement you feel better one of the most important things most most important takeaways from what happened to you I believe is understanding how the brain works you understand that when you're upset or in fear or angry or are in in an antagonized State and you're trying to reason with a person a child your spouse your boss your friend they literally cannot hear you because the reasoning part of the brain is in the cortex and what you're saying is only reaching the brain stem so whenever somebody is dysregulated which is what that is being anxious and fearful and yelling and screaming the thing to do is to calm yourself first then you will be able to help that other person get calm and regulated that's how you get to reason but if you both are just yelling at each other literally you're going you don't hear me and you don't hear me either and you know they actually cannot hear you that's what I thought was so fascinating one of the most important things I have learned with coping is to accept this moment for what it is do not spend your energy pushing again and that's whether you are late in traffic or whether you are late on your bills and you don't know where the next uh paycheck is coming from to do it don't spend your energy resisting what is you know the five stages of grief begin with shock and denial and end with acceptance I have found that to be a great formula for operating in any crisis or challenging circumstance get to acceptance as quickly as you can and that will allow you to cope better with this present moment because when you are pushing against I wish it wasn't this way I mean I've seen so many people during this pandemic last March okay I can't wait until this is over that was last March now we're a year later and they've spent the year in resistance instead of ah this is where we are not so sure when we're going to get to shore I just better learn how to tread stronger Oh my legs are getting stronger in the tread so being able to accept the treading moment for what it is and and having the wisdom the faith the understanding the knowing that you're not going to be in this moment forever because if life does anything it consistently consistently changes so for however long we're in this pandemic moment it is not going to be forever but how do I make the adjustment to accept the moment for what it is and stop pushing against it using all of my energy wanting it to be something that it's not it's that whole adage of accepting the things you can change and being willing to live with the things you cannot so that has been the most helpful for me I don't have a problem coping because I immediately go to this is what it is now what must I do to be fully present in this moment not resisting and pushing against it I thought trauma had to be a big gigantic thing experience you had to go through a tsunami literally if not literally a tsunami a tsunami-like crisis in your life uh fire a hurricane a tragedy a car accident a stabbing somebody died and it was through co-authoring this book with him that I understood that it was the consistent little things it was the aggressions and microaggressions in a person's life that causes them to have their own world view whatever that worldview is for you is different from me so the biggest the biggest learning for me is that trauma doesn't have to have a great big O capital T on it it's really how you were loved and that neglect and Trauma are hand in hand because both are equally as toxic I over the years of interviewing people it was my greatest classroom I was always paying attention to what people were saying and paying attention to their lives and what I understood and could articulate not through science but just through my own observation is that oh people are as dysfunctional as unhappy as disoriented in their lives based on how far they are from the center of themselves and the center is where wholeness lies as you know and so where there is no where there is no Center and there is no sense of wholeness and love for yourself there's going to be uh disarray chaos confusion and you know dysfunction in your life and I saw that over and over and over again that people behave based on how they were loved and then how they were able to process that that in a way to love other people one of the one of the most important points I think Dr Perry makes in what happened to you is that neglect is as toxic as trauma and so even though you might not have had a trauma with a big T that it boils down to did you get what you needed and I have done so many interviews as I know you have two Jay with people who are raised in the same family and everybody in that family has a different experience and sometimes siblings are arguing about a thing that happened because from their point of view it felt like one thing and from the other person's point of view it felt like another thing well that is the reality of life that you can have two children four children six children raised in the same household and they experience the love of their parents differently and not all the kids could have gotten what they needed and some of the kids got what they needed so neglect is you not getting what you needed for your world view for your personal um approach to life your sense of self values your sense of self-esteem and so I I I have seen in the thousands of interviews that I've done over the years that the level of dysfunction in a person's life is almost directionally directionally directly proportional to how they were loved what happened to them and how they were able to receive or not receive that love so it the the the what happened to you isn't you know just for people who had the Big T traumas but it literally is what happened to you were you loved were you not how were you loved how was that love applied in your life and were you able then to apply it in the rest of the world you know one of my relatives say I'm whipping you because I love you well it certainly didn't feel like love certainly didn't feel like love but I know that for that generation the idea of I'm going to keep you in line and I'm going to make sure you're disciplined and that you're going to obey and do the right thing in their minds might have felt like love but certainly did not feel like or was interpreted by me to mean love I mean I think now and I know if you are culturally raised uh the way I was you have a lot of of pain behind those whippings and I remember doing a show on the Oprah show years later talking about should children be spanked in a black woman sit up and said well I got B eat every day and my father I was in the choir and my father beat me in front of the whole congregation in church and I turned out okay and I'm like did you really because nobody anybody who's ever been hit realizes the humiliation of that what you feel more than anything even as a little kid is the humiliation of it and what you are being told in that moment is that you have no value that you are worth nothing that you are so worthless that I get now to lay my hands on you and physically beat you so it takes a lot and I I would have to say that um it it was a lot for me to overcome to begin to understand that my life was of value and as I say in what happened to you what did that for me were relationships with my teachers I could cry right now thinking about the the teachers who stood in the gap for me and made me feel valued made me feel important so it was only at school or speaking in church that I felt a sense of I mattered that there was some meaning and and and and purpose for me in life I you know grew up in these circumstances where I should have no self values no self-worth but Bruce as he explains in what happened to you you don't have to have it come from your family other relationships with people who are nurturing supporting caring and actually just see you so the reason why I love school so much is because that's the place that I felt seen [Music]