Hello and welcome to the Compassion in Therapy training series. I'm Kaylee Isaacs. I'm the founder of the Awake Network, and I'm delighted to introduce your presenter for this session, Sydney Spears.
Sydney is the Director of Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging for the Center of Mindful Self-Compassion, and she's also a certified Mindful Self-Compassion teacher. Sydney serves as a member of the leadership team for the Boston Area Center for Trauma and Embodiment and facilitates trauma-sensitive sessions as a certified provider. Today, Sydney will be presenting about bringing self-compassion into therapy through trauma-sensitive strategies. Thank you so much for being here with us, Sydney. Thank you so much, Kaylee.
I really appreciate the invitation with this really, really very important topic for therapists. So thank you. Thank you.
And welcome to everyone out there who has taken the time. and the space to connect with what I would like to share with you around integrating mindful self-compassion in particular with survivors of trauma and just certain considerations that are really important when it comes to bringing in that sense of trauma sensitivity to clients who have been survivors of trauma. and trauma in its various forms as well. And when we are also inviting clients to practice mindful self-compassion in its various expressions too.
So bringing those two together and actually reflecting on some of the helpful ways to support survivors of trauma in practicing mindful self-compassion. and some things that could be very helpful for us therapists. Sometimes when it comes to different interventions and practices, of course, mindful self-compassion is considered a contemplative practice.
Sometimes we can think, oh, well, that's just about our clients. We're bringing these interventions and these supports and resources to our clients. But the interesting thing about mindful self-compassion and mindfulness in general. is it's an invitation to also bring your own awareness to what is happening in the therapy space.
So that's actually what our journey is today. And I wanted to let you know that there are four reflections, four reflective exercises that are short that I would like to share with you at different intervals throughout this presentation. And feel free to respond to those reflections. They're individual, they're private. You might have pen, paper, pencil, markers available too, so that you can maybe just take a little bit of space on your own so that you can think about how some of these considerations and practices might be helpful in working with survivors in your practice.
So, I would like to start off with the word that I just absolutely love. It's such, to me, such a lovely, beautiful word, to me, and that's the word compassion. And if you take the Latin root of that cum, that C-O-M, and passion, it really means with the cum and the passion, suffering.
Can we be with suffering? And since we're psychotherapists in the space, or mostly psychotherapists, or maybe we're other helpers in different ways, different service providers in different ways, that is so important in the work that we do in the world, is to be with suffering. But there's also different ways where we can deepen our awareness of suffering that we meet through our our clients, our patients, and other people we might work with who are struggling. The thing about compassion is it is really about really noticing the suffering, resonating with the suffering as well. And a lot of that resonance comes from not just our minds, but also from our bodies.
that felt sense, because emotions and feelings are not just in our minds, they're also housed in our bodies, in that sensation that arises when we feel that sense of resonance for many of us when we are working with folks that are suffering, and even when we're working with our own suffering, because sometimes some of us don't even think about that. And especially as Service providers, wow, when we're working with suffering, I think we all know we need any other resources that could be helpful, like self-compassion as well. And it's about being connected to that sense of common humanity, the awareness of common humanity, the awareness of ourselves, the awareness of whomever we're working with as well.
But even on that deeper level than just... the mentality or the cognitive system. In other words, just being head up, that this is an invitation when it comes to really deepening our sense of compassion, if you're interested, of really going whole body. So it's mind-body, mind-body, emotion, environments.
It's really taking in. our fuller experience when we're working with people who are suffering, as well as working with our own suffering, be it in real time, in the therapy space or beyond as well. So the other thing you want to think about when it comes to the word compassion, be it compassion for other people, our clients, patients, or compassion for ourselves, is that it really is, the crux of it is about, can I sense that felt sense of loving, connected presence, to be fully connected around the presence that we can extend to folks that are suffering, and our own suffering as well. And that word presence. That's what can help us, that embodiment of what we're experiencing, and not just the mind, but what are we noticing in our bodies?
Where are the feelings located in our bodies? When we bring that all together, that can deepen our sense of compassion for ourselves and for other people that we may be working with. I actually have a quote that I wanted to share with you.
And this is from Ray Johnson, who does a lot of social justice, somatic work. And she says, one of the most critical principles of most somatic work is presence, presence. The ability to attend, to observe, and to listen to the client or student.
the environment, and especially one's self. So that includes the invitation for us therapists or other helpers. It involves listening deeply with the body, not just the mind, in full embodied awareness with another human being, in full.
embodied awareness with another human being and with ourselves. So I would like to also share just a bit with you around some of the things that I have heard some of my clients actually say when, and these aren't quotes, these are just perceptions about being in therapy. And I'm talking about survivors of trauma because that's who I primarily work with. But I just made some notes on some of the things that these survivors have said informally in our, I always offer a consult call, phone call with everyone who may be interested in working with me to find out if we're a good fit and to find out, you know, the reason for them seeking counseling. And also Questions that they might have about me, about therapy, whether this is the first time or they decided to come back to therapy, all of those kinds of things.
But some of the things that they have shared about their past work with certain therapists, it certainly isn't all. And this is just a little, little mini. collection of some of the main perceptions that I've heard about survivors, trauma survivors, and their perceptions of working with some therapists in their experience, not trying to generalize this to everyone who has worked with survivors of trauma.
But I'm actually looking at this list right now. And One thing that really, really stood out multiple times in different ways, but the overarching perception was sometimes some therapists that I have worked with, they seem, I'm talking about from the perspective of the survivor, saying to me, they seem like they're not human enough. Now, what might that mean for those folks? Or not attending enough? Or I still don't feel like they quite...
get my experience, my experience of trauma. And especially when people have gone through multiple layers of trauma, because sometimes it's not just attachment trauma or complex trauma. It could be that, and it could be social justice, intersectional trauma. It could be violence. It could be a victim of crime.
Some people have multiple layers of trauma. So that, and then for This other point here, some therapists are pretty caught up to me in just methods and strategies. And I feel like sometimes not enough time is allotted for my voice, especially as a survivor of trauma. And some therapists have no idea about diverse identities, sociocultural identities. I feel like as a client, these folks, I'm kind of speaking for them right now, that it's like almost they're trying and they're trying to be helpful, which is good, but I can tell it just is not in alignment with my experience and the way that we are communicating.
Some struggle internally, they've said, because of triggering that arises from the therapist, be it a microaggression about their trauma. or assumptions about their trauma or feeling like you're trying to put me as a survivor in trauma into one box, like all survivors experience the same thing. So that's the feeling from these folks. And then there have been very few, but I have to say a micro few of survivors who have said, what's the deal with the homework? that therapists tend to offer.
The last thing that I need is homework. And especially when they come up, the therapist comes up with what I need to do. So you might reflect upon for a moment, what might that mean just in general? I mean, what are some of the themes that you might hear in some of those perceptions from survivors of trauma?
And then there's a picture here about a building, and it's a very modern building that rises up to the sky, and you can tell there's many, many floors in it. It's kind of a visual representation of power, especially those people who have positions in our world of having authority to make diagnoses. having authority to write notes about folks who are survivors and to lead sessions.
And a lot of times if we just break it down, it's just the reality of having, and I'm one too, we therapists and other helping helpers, we tend to have some of us a sense that we are very, very compassionate, but sometimes not realizing how much power. over people, over clients and others that we really have. And therefore it does set up a power imbalance.
And if you look at the bottom of the slide here, you will see some really, really, really, really, really tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny print and light. And that was done on purpose because it was my way. of metaphorically and visually showing where not all, but many survivors of trauma feel like they live when they go into the therapy space.
Very tiny, very small. And some of the words that capture some of the feelings of just from the trauma, the abuse, the oppression, the violence, where you didn't have control, you didn't have power in those situations. And like I said, many survivors have many experiences in which they have dealt with multiple layers of trauma. But if you just look at these words.
It's like if they would speak, if they raised their voices and felt safe enough to do it with therapists, and some do, like traumatically oppressed, and not just in the mind, but even the oppression from bodies, that a lot of times when it comes to biases, we're using the body. When I say we, I'm talking about systems of oppression are using the body to make that differentiation between who's ideal and who has the power and who has the right to power and authority and privilege and who doesn't. A lot of that's based on features of the body because it was socially constructed to hopefully make a clear differentiation between, and a visual one, between who has the power and who doesn't.
But of course, we know there's a lot of invisible expressions and identities that have dealt. with oppression and trauma. And this is a really important point to remember that trauma is not just about complex trauma, PTSD in the way that the DSM forms it.
It's also about that social justice trauma that a lot of people have experienced, the historical trauma that people have experienced. And and so many other layers of trauma. But, you know, we tend to, some of us tend to forget that, some of us therapists, or we may be afraid to, how do I approach that if you do know that? So maybe some of this might be helpful. But these words of many survivors of trauma, in their expressions of domination, devalued, I have to get closer to my screen actually to see it myself because I did it in a metaphorical way, as I said, the smallness and think about even that, like I can't see you.
I can't see you. I can't see what you are experiencing, survivors of trauma. So I have to get closer and that's it.
You got to get closer. I have to get closer as well. Disempowered, holding layers of trauma within this container of the body. It's not just what someone is thinking and their self-judgment, their harsh self-judgment. And therefore, it makes many folks that have experienced trauma in its various forms very hyper-vigilant and very hyper-aware and really tuning in the first time they meet us therapists, be it on the phone, be it in person, be it virtually.
the nervous system is going to kick up really fast. It's like, am I safe? Is this person safe?
Do I feel like that they'll know me? Do I feel like that or not? So many perceptions going on in many ways.
And I have to say, I've experienced that as well. So here's the first reflection. If you're interested, just maybe take a moment. And if you're accessible to this, you might just take a few deep breaths, just for a few moments, allowing yourself to slow down and pause.
And then this reflection on the screen or on the slides, jot down any feelings, body sensations, therapeutic needs you may have noticed from your possible participation in this. reflective power, awareness, thinking, and conversation. So just talking about how power and that power imbalance lives in our therapy spaces. Even though we may be thinking of ourselves as, oh, well, I'm a good person.
I'm real compassionate and kind. And you probably are. I feel like I am too.
But sometimes because it's so insidious, it can crop up and not even realize it. And then for many survivors with being hypersensitive, most of them, it's easy for them to be feeling like, oh, that word that you just used. Yeah, yeah, that really triggered me. And what do I do with that internally?
Do I say something to the therapist? Do I not? What might the therapist think about me if I said that? Do I need to appease the therapist?
Do I need to challenge the therapist? Do I just maybe need to stay silent? Because that's been my way of surviving for a long time because this person has so much authority.
So just take... a minute and then jot down any feelings, sensations, therapeutic needs you may have noticed in talking about the power that can show up and the power imbalance, the power differential that can show up. And if you also want to, you might jot down any words that come to your mind about being powerful. When you just think of the word powerful, what words do you associate?
with that. Okay, maybe about 10 more seconds. And if you want to write down anything else, feel free to come back to this reflective exercise if you would like at any time, even after you finish with this presentation.
Okay, so we're going to move on to... Kristin Neff's research and her explanation of the three components of compassion and self-compassion in particular. And the three components, the first one is mindfulness, for us to be more aware of what we're experiencing in the moment, in the present moment, and noticing you know what we're thinking but also what we're feeling what we're sensing what do we notice in our bodies through sensation through the temperature out there how are those connected what's coming up for us are there any difficult emotions or not do we have tension in our shoulders or in our jaw or not so that's the beauty of mindfulness and um That is what is being supported in self-compassion practices rather than over-identifying with whatever we're experiencing, especially the harsh inner critic that can arise, and it definitely arises for almost all survivors of trauma, and also the over-identification for some of those schemas.
I'm bad. I'm not good enough. I'm messed up.
I will never get better. Everybody's better than me. I'm just stuck, which is really common for many survivors of trauma to have those feelings and those schemas. And the next one, next component of self-compassion is common humanity, to be able to see that we're not as alone as we think.
Even when we are physically alone, it's so easy to jump to... Oh yeah, I'm by myself, I'm lonely, I will never have friends, I will never be able to feel like I'm connected and that I belong. It's easier for the mind to go that way, but the reality is when it comes to pain and feeling like you don't belong. and that something's not right with you and what happened to you, all those horrible things for survivors that have happened to them, not having the power, not having the control over their bodies, their lives in many ways, that it is really saying that everybody on this earth suffers in some kind of way.
However, it's not equal and it's not even equitable when it comes to suffering and pain of its various forms. So that's the other thing to keep in mind, that some people do suffer more than others. But we all suffer as a human being on this earth. So that's the part of self-compassion, to remember that and to connect with that when we're feeling isolated, totally isolated as a human being.
Like, I'm the only one who's ever experienced something like this. The reality is we know there's many survivors of trauma out there. Not saying their experience will duplicate an individual's experience, but... A lot of people are hurting here in this world.
And then self-kindness is the third component of self-compassion, to be able to bring that loving, connected presence to self. Some of us have learned to do that with others, but some of us, and most of us actually, and when it comes to survivors of trauma, almost no one that I have noticed who have said, oh yes, I was... I was born and raised to be kind to myself and it was very explicit and I've done that for years.
It's rare and it's even rare with the general population across the board. So bringing in more of that self-advocacy, that self-support, that sense of self-soothing, self-motivation as well, that fierce self-compassion where it's more action-oriented and behavioral in many ways. rather than getting wrapped up into self-judgment.
So I wanted to share also some of the benefits that self-compassion, practicing self-compassion can have for survivors of trauma. One thing is that loving, connected presence, which is really challenging for many survivors in my experience. There's been some literature to state that too, because of their traumas, to think of themselves, you know, try and get past the shame and the negative schemas and all of that. And then you say, hey, you know, let's practice self-compassion.
It's like, what? Let's practice being kind to yourself. Like, what?
That can even scare some survivors a lot. But over time with practice, and if it's done with the therapist in a very, very trauma sensitive way. Yes, many survivors of trauma can evolve with this practice, but that is what it provides in many ways. It's a resource. It's a resource.
And if you think about it, it's a resource because it's about the self, really loving the self more deeply as well, that it's always available. You don't have to necessarily go get somebody. I mean, you can, and that could be a self-compassionate action as well. But when no one's around and you're feeling badly and you're suffering, you have pain of various varieties, how might you meet that? How might you hold the pain, the reality of the pain, but also meet that pain with self-compassion and how that can help?
Many folks cope and regulate themselves when it comes to being activated and triggered and overwhelmed or dissociated. And then also in terms of decreasing resistance to what is, what is. Especially those things that we can't change, that many of us...
Because of our traumas, we've learned to suppress, appease. We just learned to just assimilate with the people or the places that harmed us because we don't want to be harmed again. And it makes us more resistant to, or possibly resistant to, bringing kindness to ourselves and really thinking of ourselves as good people. good people who are worthy of love and compassion and worthy of well-being. Most survivors I've worked with, and I know in the literature, they don't think that way.
And I know most of you realize that. But it helps to kind of bring down the resistance to what one is experiencing, especially when it's activation and all of that, rather than denying. Some people will deny, repress, especially some people who may have experienced social justice trauma or intersectional identity trauma, be in order to survive and put one foot in front of the other. I did that. I did that actually, especially when I was younger.
I did it as when I was even going through college. It was like, yeah, you know, I've got to survive in this college. I'm one of the few people of color here in this particular institution.
And so I've got to make sure that I am actually more perfect. I don't want to, you know, I don't want people to see my flaws. So I've got to suppress that. Because that's the only way I felt like I could survive and fit in and assimilate into the higher education programs and colleges of the United States of America. Especially being not only a woman of color, but a cis woman as well.
Bringing those two together because it was not just about my racial identity. It was also about my gender identity too. Both of those have double oppressions.
always been forefront in my mind and have caused a lot of traumas and microaggressions as well. And then the survivors can benefit from the fear self-compassion because fear self-compassion is all about taking action and empowerment. Instead of being silent, learning to amplify your voice, even if it's just a baby step, to learn how to do that in therapy.
to motivate yourself when you feel like, I can't do this, I will never get through this, or whatever your challenge might be. Setting boundaries, for example, because it's hard for many survivors to set boundaries in certain ways. But it's so important for that sense of safety that we all seek and trust and protection as well.
But it's... It's complex, as you all know. And then I also wanted to share with you a few trauma-sensitive considerations that you could reflect upon when offering self-compassion practices to survivors.
In particular, some survivors feel like, oh my God, self-compassion in therapy? I've never heard of that, which that's not unusual for a lot of other people too, but I've never heard of that. And so even interfacing something that's novel and new for some survivors could be potentially triggering for some, not saying all, seems foreign.
It's so, feeling so disconnected from it and even fearful. Like, what is that? I do, just even using that word, you know, compassion toward myself. I kind of get. compassion toward others, but me, like, I don't deserve that.
Like, ooh, that doesn't fit me. That's not something that I feel like will help me in any way. So that's another thing, like, how will this really help me?
And I have to say, when I first took the Mindful Self-Compassion course, the very first one, this was like 11 years ago, I'm now a teacher and I love it. But as a woman of color walking in to the space with 100 people, that's one of the first things, the first day of practice that ran through my mind. Like, how is this going to help my suffering, my intersectional suffering as a woman of color, and also the losses, so many losses that I have experienced as well.
and my childhood experiences where there was a lot of abuse going on. How is this going to help me being self-compassionate? But I have obviously changed that because of my practice.
I stayed with it. There was still something intriguing about it, I have to say. I had some misgivings, but at the same time, I kind of like, hmm, let me stay with this though.
I'm not going to jump ship right away. Some survivors can have fears of Unpredictability. And it makes sense because us humans in general, when we don't know what's going on, what's going to happen to us, we're in here with this new person.
Are they going to see me? Are they going to hear me? Are they going to understand me? Or am I going to get the services that I really need? And when it's not predictable of, well, practice self-compassion, what does that mean?
And how would that be done? And what would I have to do? Or what does the therapist expect for me to do? And then cross-cultural barriers can sometimes get in the way with some people. And this is not to stereotype people from various diverse cultures working with someone from a different culture and different intersectionalities of identity.
But sometimes when we don't know or we haven't done our own work around our biases and around our... power or the power differential too, in those ways in the therapy space, then we don't understand certain cultures or what they say or what a survivor of intersectional trauma would say. Maybe it wouldn't make sense to us. And so how do we deal with that?
But that's a lot of fears that some people from various survivors of Intersectional trauma, let's take, I'm thinking of some folks that I have worked with with intersectional trauma because I work with quite a few, but in different ways, not just race, not just gender, but other disabilities, other ways too, and not understanding what one needs. But we'll talk about that a little later because there does need to be more attention paid to that. And if you don't know.
You know, we can very compassionately work with curiosity and being very transparent with clients and saying, you know, especially if you know that they identify a certain way and they've struggled with that identification and they've told you that, instead of just going, okay, you know, thanks for telling me that obviously if they brought it up, then that has some deep meaning to them. And how could it not with the violence and the oppression? that many folks have experienced historically, currently, and will continue to, unfortunately, as we move on. And then navigating the thoughts of the inner critic, which self-compassion is so good with that, to be able to help folks regulate and respond differently to the inner critic instead of, again, just being wrapped up into it, as I mentioned before. There's sometimes fears.
Some survivors have fears of therapist expectations, and we don't even realize it. Like, okay, and let's put that in the context of practicing self-compassion. Let's say this is a new practice, or maybe you've been offering self-compassion to your clients already. But what about the expectations?
How do you know what the expectations are? that are feared from us therapists, how is that impacting the survivor? Do they have voice around that? Do they have choice around that? Because those things can really be very, very helpful.
David Trueleven talks about that with mindfulness and other contemplative practices of choice and voice is important when it comes to deconstructing in our powerful ways, deconstructing the lack of control and power that survivors of trauma in its various expressions have. And it's not just about those people who are outside the therapy space for many of them, but often within the therapy space. well, what is this person internally mind going? Well, what is this therapist going to expect for me to do? Am I always going to have to do this homework that that therapist came up for me to do all the time?
I really don't like it. I really don't want to do it, but I'm feeling a lot of shame if I were to say something. So it's just easier for me to do what I did with my traumas to just remain silent. and keep it a secret. Just lose my voice.
And performing, even if you do it, the fears internally for many survivors of Oh my God, but if I do this, what will the therapist think? Am I good enough? Oh my God.
Or even if the therapist says, oh, that was great. Then that can bring up some shame too for many survivors because some of them can feel like, I don't think I'm great. That's not what I feel about myself.
So feel out of alignment at times. And then... Also, just the concerns about any coercion from, and maybe unintentional coercion, or expecting clients to do certain things. It's just, for most of us, it's not intentional, but it can be perceived and experienced for many survivors of trauma as just that.
And then just a few more here, because these are really important trauma-sensitive considerations that I'm going to ask you in just a second to reflect upon. And that is fears that some survivors can come into the therapy space that practicing self-compassion could be a replication of. past or current trauma, difficult feeling, inner critic, all of that.
Because there is such a thing called backdraft that Chris Germer, one of the developers of the mindfulness self-compassion program, cultivated around backdraft means, I'm going to say this real briefly. that was coined because it's connected to what firefighters do when they try to put out the fire. And the fire will get bigger when you bring more oxygen into the space.
It won't get smaller. So it's kind of a metaphor for what happens to some people when they actually practice self-compassion, some people. And it brings up the fire because the oxygen is like... Mindful self-compassion, I'm bringing compassion to myself, but actually, that's scaring me.
Actually, I feel like I want to run out the room. It's overwhelming me. And so that's called backdraft, as one of the things to be aware of for some people when they experience it, mindful self-compassion practices. But yeah, it's like you're replicating or revisiting.
the traumas of the past or even currently, or difficulty or discomforts or dissociation, all those kinds of things. Again, we'll talk more about that in a bit. And then overarching survivors, some of them feeling like, I really don't feel like I have.
a sense of power in the therapy space, and I definitely didn't have it with my traumas. That's one of the key things that I lost. I lost my sense of self, and some people never had it, never had it.
I lost my connection to myself. I lost my connection to my... body, this container that contains everything that I experience.
I lost my connection to the world. I lost my connection to being relational and knowing how to be relational without being hyper-vigilant about harm or being aggressive into the fight mode, you know, fight, flight, freeze. That that's the only way I can protect myself is to be aggressive and to be rageful.
or to shut down or both. So that, and the need, the deep need for us as therapists to do what we can to support the amplification of having more choices in a trauma-sensitive way, having more voice, having more agency, having more sense of true self-agency and empowerment. which practicing self-compassion in a titrated way could be so helpful, can be another resource to help survivors.
And I think that's it. So I wanna bring the second reflection up with pen and paper, if you'd like. And again, maybe taking just a few deep breaths and then you're welcome to write down why. This is about the why. Why it is important.
to provide relational trauma-sensitive and culturally sensitive methods when integrating mindful self-compassion practices for survivors. And this is just a couple of minutes to perhaps reflect on that, take a few breaths, and then maybe reflect what comes up, which if you're on the slide... You should be able to see the reflection that is on the slide, Reflection 2, that I just read.
But I'm going to read it again. Write down why it is important to provide relational trauma-sensitive and culturally sensitive methods when integrating mindful self-compassion practices for survivors. So I'll pause here.
And feel free to write down what you may notice in your mind, your body, and anything else that may come up for you based on what I shared previously. So about 10 more seconds, but again, you're welcome to continue this reflection after the presentation, if that's useful to you. Okay. So, you are welcome to participate in Reflection 3, actually, that's up on the slide, that you can read it as well.
And it says, based on your therapeutic practice, write down any of the following self-compassion-based experiences. and methods that may be the most useful to you, or maybe ways of expanding what you're already doing if you are integrating self-compassion into your relationship and your work with survivors of trauma. So I'm going to bring up the next slide and there's, let's see, there's about just a few slides.
That's quite a bit of information and I'm not going to read everything and you can always refer back to the slides to get more detail. And I'm just going to give an overarching understanding of practicing self-compassion when you're working with survivors of trauma. In other words, Trauma-sensitive self-compassion practice.
Some of you may know that with mindful self-compassion practices, that there are several practices that are based from meditations, like loving-kindness. Some of you may be familiar with that loving-kindness meditation. There's another one called affectionate breathing. But there's meditations, there's also informal practices, and then there's some exercises that are paper and pen if the person is accessible to using paper and pen.
Otherwise, if they're not, then another option could be to make space for the person to experience the exercise by holding the responses that come up for them in their awareness. And if they're open to sharing them with you, because that's always a choice too, that they could do it verbally. And there's other options around accessibility as well. So this first slide, I just wanted to share with you some of the things that are important when working with survivors of trauma before you start your first session and going.
into the first session. And even if in your mind, you're thinking that, you know, this particular survivor may be interested in practicing self-compassion, but we always want to titrate. And of course, different survivors have different feelings and thoughts and responses and experiences around self-compassion and timeframes around that too. So we want to be open.
and not feel like, oh, this is one size fits all. If you're a survivor of trauma, then we need to go right down this model, this tight, inflexible model. It really is not inflexible.
It is very flexible, which that is what I feel like we need to do for survivors of trauma anyway. So when you... are thinking about the possibilities of that, it really starts, at least in my experience, I'll tell you a little bit about what I do with all clients actually, but when I find out their experiences of trauma or layers of trauma, which like I said is probably 90% because that's what I specialize in is working with survivors.
Anyway, 90% have experienced various layers of trauma. different expressions of it too. And they're just stuck and they're totally terrified about counseling. And even if they've been there before, I already shared with you some of the perceptions that I've just noticed over the years of what some survivors have said about working with therapists, being in therapy and some of the thoughts that come up for them that have been difficult.
But I always offer all of my clients, um, A free 30-minute phone consultation. I know some people, some therapists will do that and some don't. That's your choice, of course.
But I felt like it was so important. And at first I thought, well, maybe I should make this 20 minutes. And I thought, no, really, I need to make this. I'm working primarily with survivors of trauma. I need to make this 30 minutes because I really need to get to know the person on the phone as much as possible.
I also feel like it has been very useful to set that consult meeting on the phone rather than virtually or in person, because that can be too overwhelming for some survivors to be face to face with me when they don't know me. They don't know me because I also share a lot about me, my style, the way that I work. any questions that they might have for me. And that's why I also ask questions about if you have been in therapy in the past to the survivor, what was that like for you overall?
What was that like? What did you discover? What was useful? What was anything that you felt like you needed that you didn't get in your experience with your past therapist? So that's really important to me.
And it just, I have found over the years, it has been so in alignment with being trauma sensitive as well, because it gives the survivor most of the time and most of the voice to express themselves. Also going into the vagus nerve and also practicing mindful self-compassion, it's so important for us. powerful people, inherently powerful people, and have authority like myself and other therapists, to be really aware of their voice, the tone of voice. Because for many survivors, especially on the phone, that's pretty much what you're sensing. You hear the words, but the voice is paramount in many ways.
So That has been real helpful, but for me, it really has become more embodied. It's not a thinking thing where I have to go, okay, now I need to speak more like, you know, more calming or something. I don't have to try.
I'm just my natural self when I'm talking to survivors on the phone or even in person or virtually as well. So that is important because it also sets up the opportunity for the survivor to make choices like. Okay. Well, if I do decide that I would like to work with you, Sydney, then do I have choices around meetings? Like, do you offer virtual in-person or in-person only or virtual only or phone or all of that?
So there's choice right there. There's power. There's power. If they don't say it, I will let them know about the options that I provide for them as well, which can be really helpful.
So it's from the very, very beginning. And making choices, especially healthy choices for survivors, is a way of practicing self-compassion. And then in terms of offering, let's say the clients that I meet with, I feel like we're a good fit. They feel like I'm a good fit for them because it's all collaborative.
I have a very collaborative sense of co-creating a lot of our journey together. as therapist and client. The other thing that I do is I let the client know that sometimes I may invite them for something that is invitational. So that means choice.
That means you don't have to do it. And I always prepare them if it's a self-compassion exercise on gratitude or... on core values or something else, ways of self-soothing, soothing touch, movement, compassionate, mindful movement. These are all options, but I always let them know that I will describe what it would entail.
And if you have any questions, feel free to ask me at any time and know that you can say no if you feel like. this isn't, I don't want to do it, or this isn't the right time for me, or, well, I could try it. But sometimes we talk about time, mindful movement, which can be very, very useful for many people to connect to their bodies as opposed to being dissociated from their bodies and so on. I will say, well, are you interested at all in doing the movement?
because again, you can say yes, no, I don't ever want to do it or maybe later or something else. And if you are, know that you have choices around that. You can choose the areas of your body that you would feel comfortable with maybe moving because some people don't want to move their hips or the abdominal area. That can be very triggering for some people moving. Like they would only, I have clients who just are interested in moving their hands in different ways, which can be done.
It's still connecting to that body awareness, that somatic awareness and doing it in a very compassionate way as well, practicing to do it in a very compassionate way. I will always invite them to even titrate it. I'll give it examples. I said, well, if you want to, or if you're interested, and I really mean this, I'm not trying to force this on you at all.
And if you say no, it's not gonna hurt my feelings at all. I would rather you do what you feel like you need and what is the best for you. At any time when we work together, these are just possibilities and different choices to experience.
you know, different practices that may be very useful and helpful for you working with your activation, your inner critic, your harsh inner critic as well, your dissociation, those kinds of things. If you want to just test it out for maybe a minute, it might be a minute, and know that you can even say stop or I think I want to stop or I need to pause at any time. So it's a way of giving the control that many survivors did not have in their traumatic experiences.
It's a way of relationally with me and building that sense of a stronger, safer, more trustworthy therapeutic alliance, giving that to them to be able to, the power, some power in our relationship. to let them know that, you know, you have choices, and you probably never really knew that, or because of your... what happened to you, but...
and the wound that it caused. But there are ways to really learn how to accumulate little bits of power, test it out. And it may not always be comfortable even having that power, because it can feel so foreign as well.
But I have found that to be very, very helpful. Also, some of the practices of my somatic experiencing training has been helpful since it's very body based and very somatic as well. And then when you integrate mindful self-compassion practices with that, which some of those are similar around connecting to the body and whether it's movement, stillness, meditation, exercise. action-oriented. It's a wide field that, yes, practicing self-compassion can give a lot of empowerment and a lot of kind of just practicing again, testing out, who am I?
Who am I now? That's what I was then with my traumas, but who am I now and who do I want to be as a person? Because that was lost.
So kind of rebuilding that internal and external sense. of true self, true self, that the survivor has the control and power over body, mind, emotions, experiences, boundaries, can make space, know how to make space with bodies, those kinds of things. Dominant people tend to take up a lot of space, physical space too.
And many dominant people in the world will take up a lot of space. a lot of voice as well. And the others, some others who don't have that sense of internal power with themselves and holding that with compassion for themselves, they haven't experienced that. So a lot of these practices can be helpful.
That's my point. And I think to get client feedback intermittently, that can help. And sometimes at the end of every session. Sometimes, you know, I think some survivors will, if I do it too much, I've noticed at the end of every session, then that can even bring up that shame or that inner critic for them.
Cause it's like, oh, okay, well, what is Sydney going to think if I say X? So I'll ask them what we end up doing is at the beginning of our work together, we don't do it just, you know, in one session, but we'll just take bits. How? How might we communicate with one another in this professional relationship of client and therapist?
What is it that, here goes a self-compassion question, what is it that you feel like you really need, especially if you've been in therapy before and on the phone when we had our consult, I noticed there were certain things that you mentioned. So in working with me, because I'm very, very interested in whatever I can do, I'm not but whatever I can do for safety for you. making this a safer space, making this a more trustworthy space and relationship between the two of us.
So I'm really interested if you're willing to share what is it that I can do or say or be mindful of that might be helpful to you and helpful to your therapeutic journey and questions that you might have about it. Questions about. How might we handle microaggressions? If I were to say a word that triggered you and you went home and you just totally dissociated or all the way back in the car and you just dissociate driving home, and I never knew that because it was something that I generated from my language, I would like to know about that if you're willing to share.
This is not forcing that either, but if you're willing to share, that will help me be more aware of what helps you feel safe and what helps you feel not so safe or safer, for sure, in our relationship. So we talk through all those kinds of things, which this is all about self-compassion and compassion for the survivor to learn that. because that's fear, self-compassion, bringing in voice and choice and action and stating your truth.
But where is your truth? Because you lost that sense of self, so trying to gain it back. But also for me to be compassionate with myself in that sense of loving, connected presence with the survivor.
It's not a one-way street. This is still a relationship and a dynamic. It's a professional relationship. but it's still a very, very important relationship.
So anything I can do to support the client, and sometimes it's not just what I say. It could be my body language that might be disturbing, uncomfortable for the survivor. It could be a nonverbal.
It could be posturing. I mean, all of those things still speak volumes. sometimes even beyond the actual verbal language. Space, if we're in person, the spacing, those kinds of things. The environment that I'm in, if I have an office that's really cluttered, not that you can fit every survivor's preferences, but to even ask about that.
What about my environment? How might you feel? If you are willing to share and if you don't want to share, that's okay. Really is okay. So we work out a lot of those things that I think is, they're important and they're missed often in many of the therapy spaces, but they're so important for not just the therapeutic alliance, but also because the therapeutic alliance, of course, goes all the way through to the end, but also for bringing in that deep, deep, deep sense of compassion.
for ourselves and for the survivors and others that we work with. We're not then just talking the talk. We're walking the walk.
We're feeling it. We're sensing it. And we're trying to support, for some people, maybe practicing self-compassion in different ways, but also supporting that sense of balance.
shared power, shared control that all survivors really need, which is so important. And of all spaces and contexts, to be able to practice that, holding that with kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness can be really helpful for folks and for us to do the same as therapists or other service providers. So just a couple of other things I want to say, and you are welcome to look over these slides. I'm just kind of giving an overview. There's, I think, five of them that has different practices for self-compassion.
Again, for the reflection number four, or three, rather, please feel free to jot down anything that you think might. be helpful. And if you don't know a lot about self-compassion, that's okay. Maybe the ones that resonate with you in this.
in this language like soothing and supportive touch. I just have a few more things that I'd like to share and then we will end this session. So good to be with you, by the way.
But I'm thinking of folks, survivors that I've had in session who got overwhelmed. They were talking about their past lives or their trauma. in a titrated way, but they're bringing up their relationship with a parent or abusive parent or a narcissistic parent or the traumatic grief that they dealt with when they lost family members and just saturated in traumatic grief and talking about these things that are so hard for them. And it's hard for me to hear, but I'm holding them with compassion.
and that sense of compassionate presence, loving, connected presence internally, as well as holding myself for what comes up for me as that client or clients are talking about their traumatic experiences. But one of the things I wanted to mention is when they get overwhelmed, I have invited some clients to bring in some... external sensory objects that they find to be pleasant, that they find to be, which is part of SE, somatic experiencing, that they find to be calming for them. It could be a photograph of their dog. It could be a photograph of their cat.
It could be nature. It could be somebody who loves nature and they've taken pictures of a tree or some flowers or something else. It could be their favorite blanket.
I'm thinking of a couple of clients where when they got overwhelmed, they chose blankets. And one chose, an adult person chose a stuffed animal. And those are fine.
That's their choice. it what resonates with them that gives them what they need as the quintessential question for mindful self-compassion practices what is it that you really really really need in this moment of suffering and so the these clients would wrap themselves in blankets when they notice the the arising of the tension in their bodies and in their minds, and they needed some self-soothing. So they would just choose their blanket.
Because we had already talked about it pre, what objects or what other things in your environment, your outer world, do you feel like are pleasant, or objects and things that might bring some comforting to you. It might be putting your hands in some warm water. It can be all kinds of things.
It might be music. It might be looking at art on the wall, on your wall, if you have art. It might be comforting food.
It might be sticky notes that have what your compassionate part or mind would say, as opposed to what your harsh inner critic would say. and sticky notes on their bathroom mirror so when they get up in the morning that's what they're reminded of this is this is this is a new relationship i'm forming with my harsh inner critic i'm not just going to be totally uh wrapped up in it there is another part of me that compassionate voice that i can also choose to listen to um when i need that compassion as well i can move i can walk um You know, the movement, feeling the soles of my feet, making the movements. I can slow down.
I can really feel. I can be in this moment in different ways. Soothing's touch.
We do it organically. Come home from work and it's like, oh my God, this was a rough day. Some terrible things happened today and I made a big mistake.
I really was feeling a lot of shame because I made that mistake. I felt like everybody was looking at me. I'm making this up right now, but it's based on me working with my clients.
And what does some of us do? It's like, oh God, first of all, the release of the breath. Oh, God, I can't believe I did that.
Soothing, tender touch. The mammalian caregiving system connected to the vagus nerve, our fight-flight-freeze, slowing down, hopefully, just by the touch around the head, around the heart. And I have been...
invited clients when they get overwhelmed, if they're open to touch, self-touch, to maybe place a hand on that part of your body that you may want to sense and bring some loving kindness to. As if the loving kindness is located in the palms of your hand, what might that feel like? It's really interesting how for most of the clients I've seen, that slows the activation down, even if it's not completely, but it slows it down. And to feel and to get out of that activation and the mind and get into the body and to give the body what it really needs.
where the truth lies. I need some warmth. I need some tenderness. I need some action. I need to do something that fears self-compassion.
So those are some ways too. And then I have on the slides that there are other practices. If you don't have the workbook called Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by...
Kristen Neff and Chris Germer, you might get that because it has the practices in that. A lot of people, when they take the mindful self-compassion course, or if they've taken it a long time ago and they don't remember some of the practices, you can get that. It's on Amazon as well.
And then I have a book that's called, I'm not trying to push anybody into it at all, but just, I use the book sometimes to invite clients for... experiential mini activities that I wrote up that are all self-compassion based, mindfulness based in this book. And some of them are, you know, they have cute names. A lot of the teens and young adults love it because it's kind of tailored toward that age group, but even older folks have used it too because they're small and you can write in it. And um, It's bringing in nature, it's bringing in diversity, just activities about struggles that we have, about feeling alone.
I have actually a, let me put that up real quickly here. Yeah. In my book called Finding Self-Compassion, a mindfulness workbook for getting to know and love yourself, like there's activities that are called My Body Talk.
How does the body talk? It doesn't speak in English or Spanish or German or anything else. It speaks through sensation. My inner friend, my gender identity mini story, channeling sunshine when I need it, a soft landing after a hard day. Not today, sneaky inner critic.
And they're short. Especially if you're younger, but not excluding older people, but they were tailored for adolescents and young adults. And to be able to write in it and write down your experience and those kinds of things can be helpful. And I do share some of those many experiential exercises as an invitation and a choice with survivors of trauma. that are all self-compassion based as well.
And then, so those two books, if you don't know anything about mindful self-compassion or you'd like to have a refresher or you want to look over some of the practices as well, you can get those two resources and there's other books as well. And lastly, I wanted to mention that there is a deep need to integrate for some people, not all people who have had experiences of historical trauma, intergenerational trauma, systemic trauma, interpersonal trauma, internalized trauma. in regards to their diverse identity or identities. But some of those folks, especially some people from different cultures, ethnic groups, racial groups, gender expression, so on, that there's certain things from being in those communities and identifying with them that as a survivor of traumas, they have some other ideas too about how they would like to express their sense of practicing self-compassion. It may be through rap music.
It may be through art. It may be through connecting with their affinity group or their community more so than what they did before in terms of that common humanity and not feeling so isolated and alone. It may be going through... one's transition if their gender identity is trans and they are making all these changes, not just internally but externally with their bodies. And so if you are aware or if it comes out in some way, shape or form to be sensitive to that, I think that it's important to co-create some meaningful practices that are in alignment with those self-advocacy ways of support and even advocacy for communities too.
Some people doing more of that and that's part of that fierce empowerment base of compassion as well. So, I'm going to stop here at this point and I didn't want to read all of the information on the other slides, so you're totally welcome to kind of peruse through the other slides at the end around. They're all labeled, Practicing Self-Compassion with Survivors, the last five slides here. And I just gave an overview. I could say so much more about each one of these, but I know, like everything else, we come to beginnings and endings.
Just wanted to be mindful of your time. And I appreciate you being interested in working with survivors of trauma and also mindful self-compassion. Really, really appreciate this interest.
And I hope some of the reflections are helpful to you as well. It can sometimes for many of us. Many of us therapists, it can help us take some time. Many of us are busy, take just a few moments and to stop and really contemplate and not maybe practice just being in our heads, because we have to be in our heads a lot with writing notes and diagnoses and assessments and psyche evals and all kinds of things. Insurance companies, those people who are dealing or working with insurance panels.
and so many other things that we have to do in our day. But to give ourselves space and rest and place, those are all self-compassionate ways of being with ourselves, giving ourselves what we need, especially, I think, for us, that rest, even if it's five minutes a day, something that works for us. And then the reflection four is at the end of... the slides. It's at the very end right before the references and you are welcome to respond to that contemplation as well.
It's a reflection for what really drew your attention toward the particular trauma-sensitive, self-compassionate practices and methods you selected that might be something that you feel like would fit. into your practice or something you might want to consider more so when you work with survivors. So this is a connection to reflection three, if you want to jot that down at some time as well.
So again, Sydney Spears, thank you so much for being here. Really appreciate your presence, your light, and thank you. Just value so much being connected.
to folks that are working with suffering people and working with our own suffering. We do a lot of great work in the world and for many people. Thank you and peace.
Thank you.