People with anxiety often struggle with boundaries. And that's partly because setting a boundary makes them anxious and not holding a boundary makes them anxious. And because many people with anxiety are sensitive and empathetic, they're more likely to sacrifice their own needs and wants than to set boundaries on others. If you tend to be anxious, I bet the thought of setting boundaries makes you cringe a little bit. Someone with anxiety might say yes to every request at work. They might take on too many tasks, get overwhelmed, feel stressed and exhausted because they didn't say no. Relationships require a lot of boundaries on your space, on your time, on your body, on your resources. And that's just normal for healthy relationships. But dealing with toxic people requires setting even more boundaries. If you want to manage depression or anxiety, you need to set boundaries, Now, anxious people often swing between massively overbooking themselves and cutting everything out. They try to do everything for everyone, and then when they're finally ready to say no they swim to the opposite side by cutting people off or burning bridges or just withdrawing completely. When you get good at boundaries, they are so clear that you don't have to do some huge thing. You just send like these small little clear messages about what you will and what you won't what you won't let in your life. And when you get good at boundaries, your anxiety will decrease. Clear boundaries are essential to good relationships and personal well-being. In this video you'll learn the three faulty beliefs people have about boundaries, the beliefs that hold you back and keep you stuck, and you'll learn the three simple steps to setting boundaries that you can feel confident about. [Music] Okay. So what are boundaries? And why are they so hard? Sometimes when people think about boundaries they think that what it means is telling other people what they can and can't do. But boundaries really mean what you will and won't allow in your life. It's like a fence with a gate: what do you keep out and what do you let in? Good boundaries are based on values. They help you set limits on what you do with your time, your energy, and your resources so that you protect what's most important to you. So of course I'm going to ask you to get really clear on what you do want. Exploring your boundaries might require you to sit down pretty frequently to reassess what you do and don't want in your life. Anxiety is about uncertainty, and the opposite is clarity. So write this stuff down. What do you want your life to be about? So for example, I'm going to say no to my boss about that assignment, even though it might impact my promotion, because I choose to be less stressed and spend more time with my family. How do you choose to spend your time? Instead of, "Sorry, I don't have time for that, which is better than setting no boundaries, you could say, "My plate is as full as I like it to be right now. I'll have to decline." Good boundaries look like, "I've intentionally chosen how I want to spend my time instead of letting others determine my schedule." Good boundaries look like what kind of relationships do you want to invest in? What do you want to open your heart to? Right? Before setting boundaries, it's just essential to recognize your own needs, feelings, and desire. So you just spend some time reflecting. What makes you feel comfortable, respected, and valued, and the kind of person that you want to be? So you might say something like, "I want a family where we treat each other respectfully." so a boundary would be "If you start getting heated, I'm going to take a break and come back when you're calm." Now, okay, speaking of relationships, relationships are probably one of the most complex systems in the universe, and I I actually mean that seriously. So I won't pretend that we can really cover all of that in one video. But you can learn to set better boundaries. So first let's talk about three faulty beliefs that stop you from setting boundaries. Number one: let go of the false belief that making others feel good is kind and saying no is mean. Be honest with yourself. Most of the time when you don't set a boundary it's not because you don't want the other person to feel bad; it's because you don't want yourself to feel bad about them feeling bad. It can actually be quite selfish in the short term to avoid setting needed boundaries. You avoid the boundaries because you are uncomfortable, not because it's the kind or helpful or right thing to do. It might feel nice, and I would define feeling nice as like keeping everyone happy, but kind is about doing what's in people's best interests. So sometimes setting a hard boundary is the kindest thing you can do. Telling your child no, you won't buy them that toy might make them feel sad, but it can help them develop into a healthier human who can delay gratification. It's not a balance between being nice sometimes and mean other times. It's about being kind. It's about choosing what's best for yourself and others. So here's another example: if you don't tell your spouse what you do and don't like, you may be being nice. You might be keeping them from feeling upset for a moment and really protecting yourself from feeling bad about that. But you're undermining the relationship in the long run. It may look nice, but it's not kind. It's not helpful. Being nice is trying to walk on eggshells and never upset anyone. Being kind is doing what's best for people, and sometimes that includes taking care of yourself so that you can, you know, be healthy in the relationship or be a productive worker. Like self-care is part of doing what's best for the group. And trying to make sure everyone else is happy all the time is very poor boundaries. It's codependent. You're trying to control other uh other people's emotions by bending over backwards for them, and it's not good for them or yourself. So you've got to allow other people to be upset, and you've got to allow other people to be responsible for their own feelings. And that takes us to number two. The second false belief is that boundaries are about telling other people what they can and can't do. With healthy boundaries you actually set a limit on what you can control. You can only control what you can control: your time, your energy, your body, your emotions, your property. So saying something like, "You can't talk to me that way" - that is not a boundary; it's a command you can't enforce. Instead, you say, "If you talk to me that way I will hang up." You can control what you do with your phone. Right? That's a boundary. "If you talk to me that way I will not reply." You can control what you do with your voice. "If you talk to me that way I will walk away." You can choose what you do with your legs. "If you talk to me that way you won't get allowance." You can choose what you do with your money. Those are boundaries. Good, clear boundaries focus on what you can control, and they let go of what you can't control. Stop trying to change other people. This makes you helpless. It's a waste of energy. Instead, focus on setting limits on what comes into your fence and what goes out. Don't freak out about the weeds in your neighbor's lawn; just focus on what you can change. This requires you to allow other people to fail. I don't have to fix it. Allow other people to succeed. I don't have to take responsibility for their success. I can allow someone else to be wrong. I can allow someone else to, you know, make their own choices. I can allow things to not go perfectly. Good boundaries aren't about control; they're about clarifying what you can and can't control and what you do about what you choose to control. Okay. Number three: don't wait until you feel something to set a boundary. Don't wait for your child to agree with you to set a boundary. Don't wait until you don't feel guilty or anxious to say no to someone. Because you care about other people it's hard to see them upset, but you have to be willing to feel uncomfortable in order to do the right thing. You can't just wait until the feeling goes away before you make the right choice. Because you might have the habit of of avoiding things that make you anxious, setting boundaries in relationships is hard. But you really can do this. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it. Once you figure out the principles, what to do is going to come more naturally. Okay. There are three steps to setting a boundary. Number one: make a request. Number two: if, then. Number three: be consistent. So number one: the first level of good boundaries is to make a request. Will you please stop shouting? It's hurting my ears. This is also a good time to make an explanation, to communicate. "Hey, neighbor, I've noticed that your dog keeps pooping in my yard. I really don't like finding poop in my yard. Would you please pick up after him? Thank you so much." Right? Good communication skills come in key here. Clearly and assertively communicate your needs to others. Use eye statements to express how you feel and what you need. So, for example, "I feel overwhelmed when I have too many tasks. I need to say no to additional requests right now." Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way while respecting the rights of others. It's neither passive nor aggressive. It's straightforward, respectful of yourself and others, and it's direct and clear. This first step where you're making requests, it's also a fine time to empathize, to problem solve, or even negotiate a mutual solution. If you were to search the internet for examples of boundaries, most of them are actually requests. And here's some examples -and these are fine types of request-type boundaries: "Please ask before you borrow my things." "I'm not ready for that level of intimacy." "Please give me at least 48 hours notice for meetings." "I can't be your therapist. Please talk to a professional about these feelings." "I'm not comfortable with hugging. I'd prefer a handshake or wave." "Please don't raise your voice at me." Now, the power behind requests comes from your relationship with them. When you have a stronger relationship you have more power to ask for something. Um status and social norms also impact that power differential. But when talking and requesting doesn't work, it's time to move on to the next step. So the second level is much more active. You set a clear and assertive limit. So these often look like if, then statements. You use your locus of control - what you can control - to explain what you will and won't allow. If you can't control something, it's a request. So "You can't talk to me me like that." It's not a boundary; it's a request. You can't force someone to stop talking. You can control what you do. You can control whether you listen, argue, go quiet, hang up, walk away, record them, um call the police, right? I'm not saying all these are good options. I'm just saying this is what you can control. You can only control your actions. If, then. If you speak to me like that, I will hang up. If you speak to me like that, you will have to take a time out. If you speak to me like that, I will report you to HR. If you speak to me like that, I will not speak to you again. The power behind real boundaries comes from your action on what you can control. So here's some more examples: "I don't lend money to my friends." You can control your money. So you're not saying, "Please don't ask me for money"; you're saying, "I'm not going to give you money." I can control that. I can't control whether you ask me for money. I can control whether I have a policy about it or not and whether I give my money out. "I can't stay late at work tonight. I have prior commitments." You're choosing what to do with your body. "I'm walking out the door at 5:00 p.m." Um "I don't take work calls on weekends." "I don't accept friend requests from my co-workers on my personal social media." "I turn off my notifications after 9:00 p.m." I don't share my laptop with anyone." "I need our discussions to be constructive. If they're not, I'll step away." "You don't get any screen time or friend time until you've done your chores." Now, these are examples of actual boundaries. The if, then. This is what I can control. This is what's up to you. This is usually not the place to make a lot of explanations or negotiations. Um remember, it's okay to say no without offering a lengthy explanation. You don't need to justify your boundaries. And you could just say something like, "This isn't up for discussion." Now, the one thing I do want to say is you can choose your boundaries; you can't choose what the other person's response is. So if, for example, you tell your boss, "Look, I'm not taking any more work after 5:00 p.m.," your boss, also within their locus of control, can decide like, "Oh, well, then you won't get that promotion" or "You'll lose your job" or whatever that is. Your boss can control that. So that's where like the conversation part is important. Like it's always best to start with that request stage of boundaries before you move on to the like if, then actual boundaries. Okay. Number three: the third step is to stay consistent. So once you've set a boundary, it's important to be consistent in upholding it. If you're inconsistent people may become confused or they might not take you seriously. Uh so make sure to enforce the consequences within your locus of control. Uh being consistent is probably the hardest part, uh but do your best. Like it's going to be worth it. And it actually gets a lot easier over time. Like once people know what your boundaries are, they eventually stop pushing them. Okay. I know boundaries can seem complicated, but I hope these steps can help you set better boundaries, even if you are a little anxious, and that as you do you can help solve some of the issues that underlie that anxiety. Good boundaries are a sign of respect for yourself and others, and they're just really essential for healthy relationships and workplaces and just good mental health in general. Okay. Thanks for watching. Take care. [Music]