So, my parents have a 12 years age gap and major differences in their personalities. I'm not gonna go into detail but let's just say it hasn't been easy. Mom is super into healthy stuff whereas dad likes to enjoy some unhealthy food from time to time. But he had to hide it from mom. Hey, glad to see you here.
I'm Chloe and this is the story of me finding love and trying to figure out what that really means. Through all my life, I've met some people, but somehow I'm not sure what they are. Well, it never worked out.
To be really honest, I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem, you know, being the common denominator. I don't think I grew up having a good idea of what an ideal relationship or marriage should look like. And still not quite sure, even to this day. Like, what is love?
What on earth truly matters in a happy relationship and marriage? And how do you know if someone is the one? Ever since Young from Lucky and My Parents, I started developing this life goal. I need to find a partner who I'm truly compatible with. I want to find someone who I can connect with emotionally.
intellectually and spiritually on all levels also having a chemistry with. I want to be able to chat about anything. I want to be able to be myself and fall in love with the way that I am in a relationship and I want that for the other person too. But how?
Where is that person? Does he even exist? I don't believe there's such thing as soulmate.
I don't think there's someone perfect for me out there either. But I want to know how close I can really get, you know? I mean, it's a decision of a lifetime, isn't it?
However, as time goes by, I'm starting to feel the clock ticking louder and louder as my friends are getting married and having kids. And then there's me. I don't know what to say. I think as I get older, it just gets harder and harder. I remember the good old times when dating used to be easy.
But now, I don't know what happened to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone. Perhaps it's really time to take it more seriously. But meeting people is honestly so time-consuming and tiring.
We don't have that much time to spare. We need to approach it more effectively. We need strategy.
Don't wanna be a one man woman Got me stranded like a bone in the sand Just the thought of that spread in my wings drives me crazy Dressing up, fixing my strut Always prepared, you never know who Shows up around the corner, maybe it's that director Oh, I can sing, I can dance, I can learn the smooth moves I will do anything you ask me to do Jump out on the stage, get locked up in a cage, director Hi! So I've been reading this book, How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Urie, who is the head of relationship science at Hinge and a Harvard behavioral scientist. I started reading this book because personally, for a really long time, I thought dating is quite difficult.
I think it used to be pretty easy, but the older I got, the more difficult it has become. I do believe that dating is a skill that can really change your lives. This book gave me some perspective on what a meaningful relationship is and what it's like to have a more healthy approach to dating.
So top five tips that I found. very helpful tip number one is know yourself finding out your dating blind spot a lot of us actually have this pattern that may be hindering us finding a partner and Logan I didn't defy three types of data one is the romanticizer second is the maximizer and there is the hesitator the romanticizers loves love these are the type of people who believe that there is soulmate and they believe that there's this one person out there for them and they just need to go out and look for this person and once they find this person loving and dating would just be so easy and effortless and so when they're in a relationship and things don't work out they tend to think that it's because you're not with the right person and they'll just end things and go off on the journey of finding again and the cycle just repeats and the second type is a maximizer I think personally I fall into this category. I want to know what you guys are. Hopefully none of these but I think I'm the maximizer so the maximizer are the ones who try to optimize their options and they have unreal expectations of their partner. This is the kind of person who is always thinking, can I just be with someone that's just 5% hotter, just 5% smarter?
So they're always wondering what else is out there rather than fully committing into a relationship and making things work. And third is the hesitator. This is the type of person who has unrealistic expectations of themselves.
They feel like they're never really ready for a relationship. They'll say that, I'll be ready to date when I'm... lose 10 pounds or I'll be ready to date when I have a, you know, more impressive job.
So instead of getting out there and learning about dating and learning more about themselves, they're always waiting for the day to come where they're fully ready. Share in the comments and let me know if you identify yourself with any of these. I think I'm the maximizer.
And tip number two, throw away your checklist and forget about ideal type. You know the song I'm looking for a guy in? Finance, trust fund, six five, blue eyes. I think it's really interesting how we often ask others, what is your ideal type?
I used to think about this. so seriously but now I've come to realize that it doesn't really matter and they probably don't exist. Logan suggests that we should throw away our checklist because often when we go on a date we tend to prioritize things that are more on the surface, things that are easier to measure such as appearance, height, status over long-term qualities.
that are deeper and more long-lasting. However, these are actually the key to a happy and fulfilled relationship. So what are the qualities that truly matter in a happy and meaningful relationship?
Instead of looking for a guy in trust fund finance, look for someone who is emotionally stable, someone who is kind, someone who has a growth mindset, and someone who can communicate well and fight well. So these are actually the qualities that really help the couple build a meaningful relationship, nurture the deeper connections that help you weather the ups and downs of lives. Tip number three, don't fall into the interview trap. So like what we talked about earlier, we usually go into a date with a list of boxes to check.
Trying to figure out if this person is worth my time and if there will be a second date. Not gonna lie, I was definitely like that. Constantly evaluating rather than just being... So the problem with that is when you treat like an evaluation, it's easy to miss out on the spontaneous and genuine interactions that foster real chemistry and for you to really get to know this person on a more genuine level. So instead of treating it like an interview where you're focusing on the checklist, try to be present in the moment.
I think that would just help both of you to relax better and be yourselves. Stop focusing on what they look on paper, focus on how you feel around them. Tip number four, take the experimental approach and get out of your comfort zone.
So instead of just getting dinner, why not try doing activity together? Why not go to a new place together? Just go and have fun and see if you vibe. I think this is especially true for me because as I get older, I notice that my checklists tend to get longer and longer. But at the end of the day, I think I can still be really happy with someone.
even if they don't check all the boxes. And so nowadays when I approach dating, I think I'm definitely more open-minded to meet different kinds of people. And yeah, just really challenge my assumptions about what brings me true happiness and try to avoid getting fixated on the sparks or love at first sight. Instead, try to embrace this concept that's mentioned in the book called slow burn. So slow burn means someone may not be particularly charming upon your first meeting but would make a great long term partner.
Tip number five, this might be my favorite. Don't let perfect be the enemy of great. We often see people living in very envious life who has everything but are not happy.
And we also see people who don't have much living a simple life and very content with one another. they have. I just got me thinking like what is what is it that separates them? And I think the answer is the mindset. It's how we feel about it rather than what it really is.
When we're choosing a partner I think it's impossible to just feeling completely happy and satisfied by the choice itself but rather it's how we feel about that decision because you're never gonna know what it's like dating everyone else. It's not a real thing. real issue to be bothered with. You can either constantly wonder what's potentially out there, which in that case would be more difficult for you to feel happy, or you can learn to appreciate the love and support that your partner is giving you, the bond and connection that you share. Life or things in general don't come with inherent meaning.
We create and assign our own meanings to them through our actions, thoughts, and values. In fact, it's usually the investment into building something. the late nights, the hard work, perseverance, the imperfection that makes something so beautiful and meaningful and that is greatness.
People talk and tell what you wanna hear now But they all disappear, they will let you down So we better stick together, let's come whatever We're not coming home tonight So what is love? I think I've finally come to understand love a little better. It's a commitment. And in a way, it also means settling.
Love is a decision. A decision to settle. A decision to stay. A decision to give. A decision to trust and embrace.
It's made up by a series of small choices we make every day. Every morning we wake up and we choose this person again and again. Even if someone better comes along.
Even when things get hard. Perhaps this is what real love is, a simple yet solid feeling. And the answer was never out there to be looked for. The answer has always been here, within me.
We only need the two of us together We only need the two of us together You and this crazy world We got love