Transcript for:
Building and Sustaining Confidence Skills

you have the power to do great things you can achieve greatness and great things Beyond Your Wildest Dreams you are smart enough and have access to many tools that you can use to make your life enjoyable rewarding and happy it's possible that you don't feel that way right now but let's say it is you already have everything you need all that's missing is the key that will open all of that possibility you are stuck and can't do anything without the key you can't speak up make choices act or take measured risks you need to have a good amount of confidence believe in yourself and your skills and be willing to take action in order to reach your full potential without confidence you won't be able to move forward no matter how smart or skilled you are you'll never become the person you were meant to be the good news is that everyone can find the key to confidence that includes you not everyone naturally has a confident personality but everyone can learn the skills of confidence and use them every day you can make a huge difference in how confident ambitious friendly and proactive you feel this book's goal is to give you the key to unlocking your own self-confidence I will give you useful research-based tips and activities to boost your confidence and I will also push you to make changes in your life with your newfound confidence I'm going to show you how to rebuild yourself using confidence as the building blocks a house made of bricks and mortar can stand up to problems failures and difficulties these problems happen to everyone even those who don't feel confident as I looked for my first job after college I was in my soon to be boss's office in my early 20s she was going over my resume she left the room for a a moment leaving my application on her desk it had only two words written on it blonde and timid I looked over to see what she had written hoping to see something like amazing candidate or brilliant this is the one I still remember how bad I felt when I left that interview over 30 years later two not very positive words were used to describe me which were not at all the words I wanted to use some words didn't seem like something they would hire of course I was shy and blonde I had just graduated from college with a degree in English writing while I had a degree I didn't have much work experience or skills that would help me get a job after getting home I told my mom about what happened she told me to call the woman and tell her how badly I wanted the job she told him the squeaky wheel gets the grease I was scared and had doubts about myself but I made the call I worked up the courage to sound excited and eager even though I didn't feel that way I was hired that event is still fresh in my mind after all these years there are times when I'm not on my game and don't feel confident in myself even though my confidence has grown as I've aged when this occurs I think about how despite feeling scared and uncertain I took one small confident action that that led to a job in public relations that lasted more than 20 years it changed my life in a big way little acts of confidence can lead to Big chances believing that you can gain confidence change your life and make things better is the first step discover more about confidence in this book find out what stops you from having it and how to start doing small doable things right away to boost your confidence before before you even feel confident when you start this book I want you to know that confidence is waiting for you there is a chance that you will feel good about who you are confident in your skills ready to act and strong enough to keep your confidence even when things go wrong ready for you is a new confident you chapter 1 being confident and the things that confident people do dictionary.com says that self-confidence is having faith in your own decisions skills and strength when you have confidence in someone or something you fully trust them and believe that they can do what they say they can do people who have self-confidence are sure of their abilities and happy with their ability to get through life they don't let problems or mistakes bother them because they believe they are still capable and worthy in fact being sure of who you are and loving and accepting yourself flaws and all are the building blocks of confidence you see yourself with self-respect and a positive view of reality this comes from living honestly in line with your values and ethics a confident person knows who they are and how they want to live they can also quickly move on from mistakes and failures after taking the time to grieve and look at themselves it's not necessary to be a high achiever wealthy stunningly beautiful or incredibly smart to have confidence in yourself being a normal Jane or Joe is fine too you can still have a lot of confidence even though some people are born with a positive attitude or good looks DNA isn't the only thing that makes us who we are you can learn and grow your confidence and there are skills that can help you do that you can make your life happen instead of just reacting to it if you have these skills the only thing stopping you from reaching your goals is what you think about yourself and maybe not knowing how to change those thoughts and beliefs to be confident you also need to know yourself very well you've thought about your life and are sure of what's important to you how you want to live and who you want to be when you look at your life you can build confidence because it gives you safety and limits when your floundering in life and don't know what to do or how to act you live in fear and confusion without any direction or leading principles feeling confident in yourself is hard you don't have to be on top of your game aggressive in charge slick and smart all the time to be confident not being afraid of anything doesn't mean you have to be an extrovert or a public speaker all the time deep down having real confidence means accepting who you are and learning to love that person while also making them better it's about making your own operating system based on your morals and ideals and then planning your life around that system know this you can become confident in yourself if you are not already if you want to make changes you will have to think about yourself change the way you act and reflect on those changes it will take time and practice but that's the case with everything good a healthy amount of self-esteem is needed to boost your confidence you need to feel good enough about your own worth that you can like yourself and respect your inner knowledge and judgment a lot of people get self-esteem and self-confidence mixed up because they think they are the same thing but have different names they are linked and depend on each other but they are not the same as we already said confidence means believing in your own skills and decisions in essence it means you have a strong belief that you are strong capable and independent selfesteem is how someone thinks about their own worth in general your self-esteem comes from what you think about your own worth as a person and how you feel about those thoughts yes you can have low self-esteem and low confidence at the same time lacking self-esteem makes it much harder to feel confident in your skills and yourself this is a list of 10 things that most confident people have as you read these traits ask yourself if you have any of them this will help you figure out where you need to put more effort into building your confidence one confident people are sure of themselves these people have faith in themselves and know that their life has a meaning they know what they're good at and what they need to work on two self assured people want want to do well they are clear about what they want and are working hard to reach their goals three self assured people are friendly they are good at handling different social settings without any problems they are at ease because they think they fit anywhere four confident people are competitive in a good way even though they've lost before they still think they can win when they put their skills up against the best of others five risk-takers are sure of themselves they aren't afraid to lose or be wrong so they take chances that they think are worth taking six people who assure of themselves work hard it's clear to them that the only way to reach their goals is to work hard no matter how long or hard it is seven strong willed people are confident even when it seems hard or impossible they never give up on their goals eight positive people are open to new ideas they accept others as they are knowing that they have flaws themselves and that the way forward is not to put other people down but to lift them up and accept them nine smart people are sure of themselves a lot of the time they can quickly judge other people and figure out how things work in social groups and tricky situations 10 positive people are sure of themselves they know how to get rid of questions and fears and look for the good in everything even when things are bad after learning about the qualities of self-confidence you can start putting some of them into practice in your everyday life through practice you'll start to rewire your brain so that acting with confidence feels more normal even when you don't feel confident at all this will give your confidence more power as soon as you start to behave like you have these qualities take these steps having read about the traits of confident people where do you think you have confidence where do you feel like you lack confidence what did you think about each trait write down which traits you need to work on the most getting better at one thing can help you get better at everything else part two what does DNA have to do with it take a moment to think about your parents siblings grandparents aunts and uncles and other close family members how are they feeling about themselves and life in general do they share mental traits with you or with each other our levels of confidence are undoubtedly influenced by our genes behavioral scientist Karina grevin of King's College in London and her colleague Robert Plum of The Institute of Psychiatry think that the traits of confident people are set by their genes their study which which was released in the June 2009 issue of psychological science looks at how confidence is affected by genes and how that affects IQ and performance they were able to figure out how genes and the environment affect each other by comparing 3,700 pairs of genetically identical twins to peers who are not genetically similar at least as much as IQ they found that a child's self-confidence is affected by by their genes if you were born with low confidence or a shy nature you may feel like you'll always be insecure and not do well in things Moren Healey an expert on children's health and author of growing happy kids how to Foster inner confidence success and happiness doesn't think so Healey wrote In 2011 for psychology today being a guide to so many parents and children on the topic of self-confidence Ence I can tell you that it is solely a skill to be mastered there is no magic pill that you take and boom you wake up feeling confident from the inside out but there are certain ways to think feel and be in the world that nudge you forward and help you develop the skill hear me out I said skill to believe in yourself wholly and completely Healey says that many actions and ways of thinking like working out and knowing yourself can boost your natural confidence if you learn and use them popularized by Daniel Goldman's 1995 book emotional intelligence the field of Social and emotional learning seal also backs up the idea that confidence isn't just something that people are born with Goldman's study shows that a child's emotional intelligence EQ is the best single prediction of how well they will do in school in the future IQ is is only a minor predictor of success in life while emotional and social skills are far better predictors of success and well-being than academic intelligence of course confidence is a key part of emotional intelligence and a key part of performance and success you will have a huge Edge in your personal and business life if you learn the skills of emotional intelligence this book goes over many of them a well-known child psychologist ologist researcher and expert on social and emotional learning seal from rutas University Dr morice elas says in his book emotionally intelligent parenting that emotional intelligence is a strong and positive indicator not only of academic success but also of happy and successful experiences at work and in marriage as well as better physical health one's personality type which is another feature that is is passed down also affects how well they will do in life researchers have found a link between being outgoing and having high self-esteem and being happy extroverts are more likely than introverts to say they have each of these traits but it's important to remember that in Western Society being outgoing is seen as more socially accepted extrovert traits like friendliness positivity energy and gregariousness are rewarded in our society what does that mean for shy people you will be admired for being shy if you live in Central Europe Japan or other places where Buddhism Sufism or other faiths that focus on the self are common for Western introverts here are some important things to remember Carl Jung said that introverts are better at recognizing their psychological needs and problems while extroverts are more likely to be unaware of them because they are focused on the outside world people who are more shy tend to do better in school while people who are more outgoing might find it dull the frontal loes and frontal ganglia of introverts get more blood flow these are parts of the brain that deal with mental thinking like making plans and fixing problems only 20% of people in the general Community are introverts but 60% of talented people are introverts an introvert might not like being around a lot of people but they do like being around close friends people who have low self-esteem and confidence may be introverts but introverts don't always have low self-esteem for introverts gaining confidence can come from a lot of different areas such as academic intellectual emotional and social winds also it's important to remember that everyone's Behavior changes all the time extreme introverts and extroverts don't always act like the type of person they are people can have a mix of both orientations because personality types vary along a range there are times when someone is more outgoing than when they are more shy moving against your personality type is a good thing to do and you can learn to do it in certain scenarios to boost your confidence if an introvert doesn't feel safe giving a speech in front of a big group she can learn how to do it so she feels confident when she has to it's important to know who you are and why you act and feel the way you do whether you're an extrovert or an introvert knowing yourself better will help you accept what makes you special instead of fighting it or feeling like you should be someone else people who are born with confidence and a positive attitude are more likely to be successful but that doesn't mean we have to live a life of self-doubt and failure even a small boost in confidence can lead to big changes in your life like the phone call that fixed my bad first job interview in fact people who don't have confidence boosting genes may have to work harder to learn the skills of confidence than people who do have confidence boosting genes people who are naturally sure of themselves and optimistic need to work at keeping that confidence and positivity whether your confidence came from from nature or education everyone needs to learn the social emotional and coping skills they need to get through their complicated and often difficult lives first think about who you are and where you are then move on to the skills you are learning steps to take think about the personalities of your close family members how confident and outgoing are they does your family history make you naturally confident or do you come from a line of shy people who may not be confident chapter 3 your brain on [Music] confidence good news about confidence it's easy to improve your own all you have to do is change your brain this doesn't mean you need brain surgery or drugs that change your mind it just means you need to do small things over and over again so your brain makes new neural connections neuroscience is the area that studies and recognizes the brain's amazing ability to change and grow neuroplasticity is a new and interesting field of study neuroplasticity means that the way our brains look and work can change because of what we think William James first came up with the idea in 1890 but scientists strongly disagreed with it they all thought the brain was tightly organized with different parts handling different tasks there is no activity or change in a part of the brain that is dead or hurt scientists have since shown that the brain is always changing and adapting so it looks like William James knew what he was talking about it can change its own shape even in people who have very bad nerve problems mental and physical tasks that people do over and over again can help train other parts of their brains even if they have problems like cerebral py stroke or mental illness neuroplasticity is one of the most amazing things that science has found in the last 100 years Norman dege MD a psychotherapist and author of the brain that changes itself says that research shows the brain is always making new nerve paths removing old ones and changing how strong links are and this means that the brain can change and adapt literally at any age to make up for a sickness or damage and to get used to new habits events or changes in the environment there are no set Parts in the brain instead it's like clay it can be shaped by new knowledge and experiences the most important fact is that our brains don't stop growing when our bodies do they can adapt and change all the way up to the end of our Lives even though we already have established ways of understanding information and reacting to our surroundings we can still come up with new better ways in the future what does this have to do with your self-confidence it means that you can change your brain to make new neural paths to cement genuine feelings of confidence by repeatedly engaging in confident behaviors when you do something confident over and over you tell your brain that it should accept it as the real thing your brain will change based on how you act and your confidence will follow suit adding positive thoughts and visualizing to the things you do over and over again speeds up your brain's response to change the amazing finding was made by Jeffrey Schwarz author of the mind and the Brain neuroplasticity and the power of mental Force while using the therapy he created for his OCD patients patients of Schwarz were able to change the shap shape of their brains by consciously shifting their attention from bad habits to more positive ones they change the shape of their brains with their thoughts which had big and longlasting effects on their neural paths athletes at the highest level regularly use imagery to improve their ability and increase their chances of success but you don't have to be a psychologist work in a science lab or play sports to use these methods we can all use them them to change our thoughts and actions and make our lives better in the long run imagine that your brain is being rewired every time you choose to be confident or picture yourself being comfortably successful new links are being made and old ones are losing their power your brain has the amazing power to change every day and every moment you can reinvent Yourself by picking what you do and making it stronger through practice positive thinking and visualizing it believe in yourself and take steps to become a more confident person these everyday things can help you feel better about your self-confidence one find a place where you need to boost your confidence it could be standing up in front of a group or liking how you look more two to help you with this task write down three good statements one statement that could help you with your action could be I share my ideas calmly and confidently in group settings knowing that what I have to say has value it is easy and natural for me to share my ideas in a group setting when you feel stuck or have bad thoughts about the area where you lack confidence say your mantras out loud or to yourself in your head at first this will feel weird but you are teaching your brain to accept this new Behavior four additionally spend a few minutes twice a day visualizing yourself performing this low confidence task easily remind yourself in your mind of the things you want to do physically five keep practicing encouraging things to yourself and picturing yourself acting strongly in this area getting used to a new action takes practice be kind to yourself while you wait for your brain to get used to your new Behavior and the confidence you feel about it without a doubt mantras and visualizations by themselves are not enough to boost confidence you also need to act in ways that show you are confident you will learn confidence skills in this book but these things give them more power you can boost your confidence at any time by visualizing and saying mantras knowing how the brain works and how it can change and adapt can give you faith that you can change yourself into a confident person through repetition practice and thought you can train your brain to have more self-confidence which will make you more excited and motivated to do more and achieve more this will give you even more self-confidence in short you will become the person you want to be if you think and act like that person even if you have to fake it at first steps to take where do you need to boost your confidence the most get your confidence up by working out your brain make a list of the specific things that are making you doubt your confidence in this area then write three positive statements that describe the new confident things you'll do think about how easy it is for you and how confident you feel as you picture yourself doing well in this area repeat your mantras out loud or in your head several times a day and do the meditation exercises chapter four common things that hold you back from being confident in the first few parts of this book you learned more about what confidence is and how it shows up in real life now we'll talk about some of the reasons why we lose confidence and how that shows up in our actions feelings thoughts and how we look to figure out why you don't have much confidence you should first figure out your confidence obstacles these these are the things that stop you from feeling good about your ability to win in a given situation or in general you have to figure out what the problem is before you can solve it there are some hurdles to confidence that everyone faces even though each persons are unique and depend on their life events and attitude these are five of them one fear is the most common thing that keeps people from having longlasting self-confidence some of the fears you might have a failing being turned down or even succeeding success might scare you because it sets the bar so high and comes with so many duties and duties to do there are however many of your fears that are not real they only live in your thoughts think about the things you're afraid of that make you lose confidence in yourself for a moment are they really rooted in anything is there any proof that they will happen are youed scared of something that probably won't happen or hasn't happened yet a lot of the time what you fear doesn't really happen or isn't as scary or bad as you think it will be two fear and overthinking fear and thought repetition are two more things that can make you lack confidence you might worry all the time about how good you look what other people think of you or what if you mess up or fail at something worry can turn into a loop of negative thoughts that are strengthened by Mindless practice it's like a hamster on a wheel once you think about something you can't let go of it when you think too much about how other people see you and what might happen instead of being who you are living in the present and accepting yourself you start to worry and overthink you can't worry when you're busy with work or play or when you do something to help or serve other people your brain is too busy with more important things when you have some free time and start to worry again just say stop out loud to stop the negative thoughts then think about something positive or do something creative like Reading Writing helping someone or making something three stop putting things off putting things off takes away your confidence because it holds you back and stops you from reaching your full potential when you put things off or wait until the last minute you will never do as well as you could have and the result will never be as good or useful the act of putting things off makes you feel like you can't do them but all you have to do is start usually the hardest part is just getting started set your goals give yourself plenty of time and then plan your jobs based on your priorities when you keep putting something off it will drain your mental energy if you notice that you keep putting something off move it to the top of the list and do it right away simply begin one small step will bring you the rest of the way and give you more confidence that you can act four making choices being able to do this even when you're not sure is important for boosting confidence being unable to make a choice can stop you making you useless and unsafe setting due dates for yourself to decide and then following through on them will help you change you will always feel some danger when you make a choice because decisions don't always come with guarantees the hard part is getting used to the pain of danger most choices aren't set in stone you can alter your choice if new information suggests it but you can't move forward if you wait to decide until everything is just right the perfect time will never come set a fair time and stick to it making a choice even if it turns out to be the wrong one is better for your confidence than not making a choice at all I'll talk more about making choices in the next part of the book five doubt all four of these blocks are often caused by doubt your fear worry thoughts and indecision are all caused by doubt in your own skills knowledge and judgment but why should other people believe in you if you don't if you've made bad choices or used bad judgment in the past think about what you learned and how you can avoid making the same mistakes again most of the time this isn't true as adults we have a lot of life experience that should make us wise and smart but we don't trust ourselves you are the only one who can tell what is best for you stop thinking of yourself as stupid and start seeing yourself as wise you know the answers even if you don't trust them you you can get rid of Doubt by doing small acts of self-trust find a situation that you can handle where you doubt yourself or your skills and then do what you think is right even though you have questions you'll build your confidence by practicing doing things even when you're not sure everyone is affected by these common confidence issues fear worry putting things off not knowing what to do and uncertainty all happen to everyone from time to time time but when these feelings get in the way of our ability to be successful enjoy relationships speak up or make money we need to deal with them and break them down steps to take can you see how these issues with your confidence have affected you in the past your self-confidence may be hurt by patterns of thoughts and actions that are linked to one or more of these roadblocks for each of the five common hurdles write down specific situations or parts of your life where they make you feel lacking in confidence chapter 5 childhood wounds and adult limitations many of us lose confidence for emotional and mental reasons but there are deeper more ingrained reasons we lose our way and stop believing in ourselves it's been a long time maybe even since childhood that we've trained ourselves to believe certain things our confidence and sense of self-worth can be seriously hurt if we were young and didn't feel supported loved harshly scolded or abused it is very important for our emotional and mental health to have parents who love us are mentally healthy and are always there for us any negative thoughts you may have about your skills and worthiness may have become so ingrained over the years that you may not even be aware that they aren't true or necessary anymore you also likely don't realize how much they are holding you back from reaching your full potential it's likely that 90% of the goals you want to reach in life could be reached if you didn't have limited ideas and the very strong emotions that support them Anthony Dello a Jesuit priest psychologist and author says that the only thing that makes you unhappy is the false beliefs you hold in your head these beliefs are so broad that you never think to question them think about how your life would be different if you didn't have any of those old ideas about yourself you are now a blank slate and every possibility is a good one for you there is nothing stopping you from being or doing anything that makes me feel strong unfortunately different levels of pain from childhood can hold us back we all have some childhood problems that we haven't dealt with or addressed which can affect our lives and happiness as adults they can have a huge effect on your relationships and make you feel very low in confidence during the teenage years which is an important time for being whole teenagers frequently struggle with confidence this is one of the characteristics of teenagers who are growing adults being who they are and where they belong in the world is hard for them in order to feel accepted they look to their peers for support and positive feedback but what they get back is often critical or even cruel if a kid has pimples a weight problem or anything else that is seen as a little weird or ugly their self-confidence will fall apart there were long stretches of boredom and terrifying times during our teenage years which is how many of us remember them most of us get over our teenage anger and awkwardness which is good news we no longer have access NE know how to pick friends who will back us have wins in life and aren't as focused on ourselves but the scars from our teens stay with us as we get older many people even those who had a happy and healthy childhood still deal with hurts or fears as adults due to an early relatively insignificant event a person who is typically confident in themselves May lack confidence in one area of their life you probably remember something someone said or did to you when you were young that still hurts and changes how you feel about yourself for many years those early ideas about ourselves have been pushed into our minds over and over again when these early problems cause us to hold on to limiting beliefs we may not even be aware of them we just act in a way that feels natural and safe even if the beliefs are holding us back a lot some of these more major childhood problems need the help of a professional counselor to get past the crippling pain so you can accept your worth and start changing the way you think and act you can learn more about why you feel and act the way you do through treatment you may also learn that certain triggers make you act in childish or defensive ways that hurt healthy relationships and lower your self-esteem you may also find that you repeat the words and actions that hurt your confidence that you learn from your parents or siblings if you went through major physical or mental abuse as a child I really think you should see a qualified Professional Therapy still there are things you can do right now to start letting go of limiting ideas and feeling better about your own self-confidence getting rid of limited beliefs think of a bad belief that you have about yourself that you can trace back to an event or situation you had as a child or 14 pick one for now if there are more than one it could be the one that worries or stops you the most you might think things like I don't deserve a loving relationship or no matter what I try I will fail next think about the event or events from your childhood that you think made you believe those things just think about how the things that set you off years ago aren't relevant to your present life you could say something like your parents no longer scold you or the kids at school no longer pick on you how has your world changed since those things happened how have you moved on from those things that set you off now think about your limited belief that was caused by something that happened or someone said to you as a child what are some things that go against that belief for instance if you think you can't be great think about the times you have been in the last few weeks or years the last step is to come up with a positive promise or statement that goes against your limited belief for example I am capable of succeeding in any Endeavor this is what you did one you've shown that your current situation is different from the problems you had as a child that led to your limited view two you have shown that the limited view is not true by giving proof that goes against it three you came up with a positive statement that backs up the opposite of The Limited belief it's now up to you to follow through with this task when you become aware of a limited belief and when you catch yourself thinking about or responding to it you need to keep your thoughts from going there to break the pattern of thoughts you can put a rubber band around your wrist and gently snap it you can also just say stop to yourself or out loud then say your new statement instead of the old thought as we've already talked about an affirmation is more than just something to fill the space left by negative thoughts as we said affirmations are powerful brain altering tools that can help you build your confidence don't let your past decide what you will do in the future the thoughts and feelings that are holding you back are mostly just that thoughts and feelings in fact they don't mean much or anything at all you can change these old limited ideas with new positive ones by practicing pushing your thinking how to take action what are some ideas that have held you back over the years write down those ideas and then do the things above to show that they are false then write down the statement you made so you can read it again whenever you are having trouble with your limited belief you can let go of old negative thoughts change the way you think and start to rebuild your confidence by dropping negative thoughts saying positive mantras and doing positive things over and over again chapter six Mirror Mirror how appearance can shatter your confidence it's hard to look good and even harder to feel good about your looks so much of our confidence and for some people even self-worth depends on how we look and how we think about how we look a lot of us are unhappy with the way we look it's no wonder we look scared the media's present ideal for how women should look generally is only attainable by 2% of women but we are constantly shown this false ideal these days young women see more pictures of stunningly beautiful women in one day than our moms did all through their teens it's no surprise that eight out of 10 women are unhappy with how they look if you look at how the media defines Beauty right now most of us aren't people who work as models or actresses are shown to be less than perfect when newspaper photographers catch them in real life keeping up with that level of perfection must be hard and draining it's not just women who care about how they look a study from the center of appearance research at the University of the west of England found that gu wor as much or more about their body shape and appearance than women do more than four in five men 80.7% talk about their bodies in ways that make them feel bad about themselves by focusing on flaws and Imperfections while only 75% of women do this and Dr Philipa dietrix from the center says that 38% of men would give up at least a year of their lives for a beautiful body this is again a higher percentage of men than women these results show that guys care about their bodies just as much as women do the study of 394 British guys was paid for by the central YMCA and the succeed Foundation a charity that helps people with eating problems it was done by Dr dietrix the study showed that guys are very self-conscious about their bodies and that some try to lose weight or get in better shape by using laxatives working out too much or even calling themselves sick it's clear that this standard of physical beauty is impossible to reach but most of us still spend way too much time mental energy and money trying to keep up whether you're young and have perfect skin and a tight butt or older and starting to get gray hairs and lines you probably think more about your flaws than about how attractive you really are are good looks can help you get started but they don't have much to do with keeping relationships going doing well at work or even building real confidence we've all seen pretty people lose their charm as soon as they open their mouths or less attractive people become more attractive because they give off a certain Vibe as we try to be beautiful enough wouldn't it be great if we could wave a magic wand and get rid of all the worries and hate we have about ourselves take take a break from everything and focus on what makes you happy and confident we love and hate our faces and bodies from the time we become aware of how we look which is usually when we are getting used to being pre-teens we learn what Society thinks makes someone beautiful and start to see where we fall short just think about how much pain and sadness your face and body have caused you over the years you'll look for Flaws like a heat seeking rocket and dwell on them until they're the only thing you can see it makes no sense to hear beautiful stars or models talk about how they hated how they looked as teens and even though they are obviously pretty this self-image often stays with them as adults even people who are very pretty lack confidence in how they look many times seeing those pretty models and stars in magazines movies or on TV makes us feel worse about how we look there is a lot of perfection in the media but in real life we all have bodies that are broken saggy and always getting older that is true and our faces and bodies do have thoughts of their own even if we try to fight it confidence versus Beauty both men and women find confidence in someone of the opposite sex to be one of the most beautiful traits confidence and high self-esteem are most admired in people of the complimentary sex according to numerous studies and polls of both men and women self-esteem confidence and freedom are all things that American love expert Ellen fredman PhD says make a woman want to kiss you in her book the 10 second kiss other tests have shown that men are also interested in women who have these traits you can tell if you're confident by how you walk talk dress and treat other people good news for those of us who will never be in a magazine we're pretty much all of us by changing how we think and feel we can feel more self-confident beautiful and okay with the way we look there is another way to deal with how you look that makes you feel better about accepting yourself these are my thoughts you should start to treat your face and body with more mental attention every day thank your body for all the wonderful ways it helps you think of your body and and how you look as a holy covering that holds your unique self and treat it with loving kindness when we stop fighting and hating our bodies and start seeing them as wonderful gifts even with all their flaws we can live in peace with them to help you build your confidence here are some ideas on how to change your relationship with your looks don't fight back when we fight back and battle our mental and emotional energy is used up and runs out out even though we think we can think our problems away this battle never makes things better take things as they are whether you're overweight wrinkled Too Short Too Tall or just an average looking person at this very moment this is who you are let your mind and heart rest in that for now change how you see things when you look at your body and face think of them as close friends that you love you've had this friend since birth and they will always be there for you this friend has helped you with food carried you for thousands of miles and worked most of the time this friend is good at keeping things going getting better and having children there are no words to describe the joys and pains it has brought you however we haven't always been nice to our body friend in many ways we've hurt it and lied to it now it's time to treat your face and body with kindness and love pay attention even though our bodies have flaws we shouldn't criticize or put them down in fact pay attention to how your body looks watch how your limbs move support and carry you and look into the beautiful Wise Eyes you have look at your hands they show the caring touch the food you've made and the work you've done over the years the muscles in your heart and lungs are working to move blood around your body your gut system is also busy taking in air and food and getting rid of waste your body's parts and processes are all working together to keep you alive if you change how you see things there is so much more beautiful than ugly carefully think about all the good things your body has done for you your resistance will melt away and you'll realize what a gift your body is it might not be perfect or perfectly acceptable to the media but it works great even with those flaws take care of it with love and care so it can keep helping you give your body whole healthy things to eat give it clean pure water to drink pay attention to what your body wants to eat if you're not sure how to eat healthy learn about it when you eat something ask yourself is this showing love to my body move your body to keep it flexible to keep your weight at a healthy level and to get rid of stress and toxins make it a habit to do easy fun and fairly difficult exercises every day quit things that are bad for your body like smoking eating too much using drugs that are bad for you and Tanning don't put your body in danger to protect it when you're driving put down your smartphone wear a helmet and put on sunscreen take care of your body by going to the doctor for regular checkups and quick calling for help when you think you need it dealing with worry through art movement meditation and rest can bring peace to your body love the things that make you flawed we hate our flaws on our bodies because they show what we're afraid of getting old and dying being rejected failing and looking bad start to consciously choose to love your flaws it may sound strange but love the fact that you are human and the years of life and experiences your flaws show love the peace that comes from being flawed I love how you connect with broken people around the world it's great that you can't change some of your flaws being flawed is an important part of Being Human I love that accept the Holiness think of your body as the holy clothing that covers your soul it's hard to refuse and shame something when you see it in this way in fact you'll start to love and respect your face and body for all the beautiful things they do being aware of how your actions and habits affect your body is important your body will change from the inside out when you see it in this new way you won't have to fight it you'll be able to work with it being loved will make it feel better in many ways like more confident and at ease steps to take do you think you look good compared to other men or women your age with 10 being the most beautiful and one being the least attractive how would you rate your own looks on a scale from 1 to 10 what has had the biggest effect on how you feel about your looks EG what your parents or friends have said what the media has said Etc how do you feel about these sources of influence now do they still make you feel something what about their words isn't true what do you believe are your best physical traits what do you think are the most Charming or beautiful things about yourself how can you be nicer to yourself when it comes to how you look what good feelings can you replace the bad ones you have about the way you look chapter 7 trying to be great and make other people happy what do the media the people around you and our culture tell you about how you should live your life how do you think you need to meet other people's wants and make them happy there are many signs some hidden and some not that are always there to tell us of what it takes to fit in and do well the main reason people do what they do is because they want to be liked and accepted we work hard to blend in because we don't want to be left out we are told from a very young age that love and respect rest on what other people think we can have their hugs compliments and praise if we behave well and listen to them when we do well in school the teacher tells us nice things and our friends respect us if we look good people will notice us and want to go out with us if we get the right job and make a lot of money as adults our friends will want to be with us all of these things are fine in fact many of them build our confidence they might be wrong though if we put the cart before the horse if these things are only important to us because we want to be liked they can hurt us if we talk about ourselves and our actions with I should instead of I want or I am our house will not have a foundation we let the odd needs and wants of the people around us affect us there are lots of signs all around us and it's tough to stay away from them the media tries to change everything about our lives not just how we look we need to be young and pretty live in a big nice house drive a hot car have the right partner and keep kids and make enough money to pay for all of these things a lot of people are also mad at us for our political and religious beliefs the food we eat the way we raise our children and the things we do in our free time most of the time Society tells us what we should be and how we should act but family and friends still tell us what they expect of us being loved meant following the rules being obedient and giving in to guilt trips if this sounds like your childhood you may be stuck in the mud of should adult children often still use control and manipulation to get what they want and many adult children do the same because they are afraid of being turned down being too afraid to fail can also make you need praise all the time this fear usually comes from being severely scolded or judged as a child your worry and need to be like it will always be there if an adult was mean to you when you were a child for making a mistake to deal with this stress we do our best to be great and make sure everyone is happy people who are people Pleasers like author and revolutionary psychologist Jay early PhD say that people Pleasers try to fit in by being what other people want them to be part of you wants to make other people happy so that you don't have to deal with the reactions you're afraid of this could be something you're not even aware of Dr Early says that people Pleasers often do the following I try to be what other people think I am I don't want to cause a fuss I'm not sure what I need I try not to say what I believe I like it when people let me do what they want or agree with what they believe someone strong takes over my life in my dreams and makes it work it's hard for me to tell someone close to me how I feel when they don't get it I find it hard to say no I try to stay calm it's hard for me to get things done I never say what I really think because I want to be nice I want everyone to get along Steve Chandler an author and Coach says in his book Time Warrior that he believes that as an adult I still believe that being non-threatening accommodating not making waves not standing out and being like everyone else is the most important thing for survival it must be real right he thinks it's sad that many people will never grow up finally let's talk about how to become a confident adult we want to get out of the circle of shoulds standards and trying to be perfect how can we change what we believe learn something new about yourself this is the first thing that needs to be done to move forward is this really me is this who I am is this what I want to be doing is this how I want to live if you've spent years trying to become someone else's idea of you the real you may be hidden and unknown if you want real longlasting self-confidence you need to find that person and explain them when you do that you have to accept that it will hurt sometimes being your true self means going against what other other people expect from you which could make them angry or upset this is very scary for someone who needs to please other people doesn't have confidence and is hooked on praise you will learn how to deal with anger or disapproval as you set your own limits though as your confidence grows the bad things people did to try to control or trick you in the past will hurt you less and less you'll feel less pressure to be perfect and more free to to change your mind claim your freedom and learn about your own feelings thoughts and wants even if they are different from what other people want Dr Early says this should be done these are the things he tells you to do choose how much you want to say about what you think or want don't give up when someone tries to convince you of something they don't agree with never forget that people may not always agree with what you do or or say still do it anyway your need to please others may make you worry that you are rude or angry because you aren't used to setting your ground as you learn to be independent that person should know that you're just taking care of yourself which is good for you and important if you make decisions and act based on wanting to be loved and accepted you'll remember how you felt as a kid when Mom and Dad had all the power and cards you can do what makes you happy now that you're an adult even if it bothers other people if you want to please or help someone do it from a place of love and power not because they need something that you're not sure you can give them the first step to real love and support is to accept and love yourself just the way you are people who like you just the way you are will start to come to you what to do what parts of your life do you feel like you're not being yourself because you want to help other people be open or meet their needs why would you try to make everyone happy how does it make you feel what perks or Comfort does it bring you think about the times in your life when you need to please other people the most when these things happen what kind of person would you be if you could what different things would you do what are the myths that are keeping you from having confidence now let's say you're in a place that makes you feel bad or might even hurt you you might or might not know the sad truth about it which one do you want what would you rather do shine a light on an area of your life that might open a can of worms and cause problems right away or keep that area in the dark it's not fun to face the truth about some things in life this is what most of us like to do pull the covers over our head heads and scratch our ears it's much easier than accepting the truth which is often hard or painful is that right just like most of us you probably went through family lies and deception as a child that were agreed upon by everyone Grandpa's drinking problem was never talked about your parents fights were put on you but never explained or dealt with and mom always looked sad even when she was acting happy use your own words words to describe how you have failed to face truth or hide the bad things in your life and the things we don't talk about can hurt our confidence how can we feel open and confident about who we are when we can't be honest with ourselves or others when there are big secrets and little lies these early family events teach us that we should not deal with things that are painful or hard that the right thing to do is to act like they don't exist or quickly sweep them under the rug we learn how to lie to ourselves and to other people it might not seem as dishonest to avoid or deny something than to lie directly about it when someone lies they do it on purpose and is fully aware of it a avoidance or denial is more of an act of neglect and self-preservation when we're being honest though we know most of the time we're lying to ourselves and sticking our heads in the sand the bad thing about lying to yourself is that it only works for a short time you stay put because of self-deception which is like a finger in a dam that keeps everything around you from falling apart in the end these lies affect every part of our Lives including how we think about ourselves our relationships our views and how we see the world in general since we want what we want to be real and true to be real and true the line between the two gets fuzzy at first lying to yourself might feel safe and easy but over time it will hurt you and destroy your confidence you can't see things clearly live your life to the fullest or change into the person you want to be because of these lies even if you try your hardest to keep up these lies they have a way of letting them slip and giving you bad effects being dishonest with yourself can lead to stress sadness low self-esteem lack of Drive trouble concentrating bad relationships problems at work spending too much money and health problems there are some basic Lies We Tell ourselves that keep us from seeing the truth and really hurt our confidence these are the leaves that affect almost every part of our lives and set off a chain of smaller lies that serve the bigger boss if you want to hurt yourself confident believe these 10 myths I am not good enough we've all told this story to ourselves and others at some point it all comes down to feeling like we're not good enough to be loved sometimes we may have good reasons to feel this way and for some terrible events in their lives have made them feel even worse when you start to believe it and use words and actions to support it that's when things go wrong it doesn't matter what you've done what you've been through or how you feel you are good enough people like you there isn't a single way to measure good enough being yourself and accepting who you are is all you need to do to be loved and luckily the right people will be drawn to how real you are don't say or think bad things about yourself anymore change those to all the reasons why people love and value you say them out loud or write them down and keep defining who who you are in your best picture of yourself I can't do that too this lie has many parts such as I'm too old it's too late I'm not smart enough and it won't work when we are faced with a chance or a task we often say I can't do that maybe you can't but you probably can and you won't know until you try what is the truth sometimes you have to think outside the box work hard and make sacrifices to do what you want to do starting with a negative thought is not a good idea instead believe that you can do it until proven otherwise change how you think so that you expect good things instead of bad things third really do I believe what I believe who says every opinion you have has another side to it whether it's a good or bad belief even if you think you can't do something there's a lot of proof that you can find it you might think your view is right but so does that other guy listen to him and think about what he says what is the truth what you believe is not always true some of them might not even be true you should write down some of the things you believe about the world and yourself be willing to consider things that go against what you believe when you are faced with the truth allow your thoughts to change it can be painful and scary to accept a new truth but it's better than living a lie for I know the most having to do with what we think about our values we believe we know what other people should think do and say about us we want people to change so that they can become what we think they should be we think that what we want is best for everyone we often do this because what we don't like about other people is something we don't like about ourselves the truth is that asking other people to change is a big lie that can make you feel bad about your own self-worth people will try to work with you but nothing will really change and they'll start to dislike you you'll always feel bad about yourself and your ability to keep things going and you'll never have a real friendship know and accept that the people you care about are fine the way they are they have flaws and are not like you but that makes them real and interesting show them the truth about who they are and let them be that person without fear it's okay with me if you keep telling yourself this maybe you'll believe it why bother to reach your full ability when it takes so much work and time it takes too much work and is too hard you can stay where you are if you want to but what does that do for your confidence it's true that average isn't good enough until you do something your your better self will keep bugging you and making your life very hard you know you don't want to live a life that isn't full where in your life do you let things stay the same what should you do instead according to your better self what are you ready to do today to get this going I wish I had time to do that start that new habit follow my passion work on my relationship or spend time with my kids you say the truth is that you can use time however you want it's not endless but there's enough for you to build your life around what matters most to you setting priorities is what it's all about putting things off and avoiding them bring you down and make you feel less productive and in charge what are the five most important things to you in life where are you spending time on things that don't matter cut out the things that aren't necessary and rearrange your time to fit your goals I can live with that a messy house a rude friend a spouse who puts you down kids who talk back people who interrupt your time and boring tasks that keep coming up you can live with these right they're not such a big deal the truth is that the people and things you're just putting up with are slowly draining your energy and joy you lose respect for yourself your standards and your confidence when you give up and let people walk all over you what are you putting up with that makes you tired which people are crossing your lines what are you going to do about it I'll be happy when I find the right spouse get a promotion or make more money it will just take a little more time and work and then I'll be happy how has that lie worked for you so far I'll be happy when I find the right spouse get a promotion or make more money it will just take a little more time and work and then I'll be happy it always seems to slip out of your hands just when you think you have it calling you Forward Forever the best is already here not yet you can always find happiness right now think about what makes you happy and who you are right now even if you don't feel very confident in yourself take your mind off of how you feel and put it on the job at hand people often say failure isn't an option I can't fail because I have a standard to live up to I can't fail because people will think I'm a loser I can't fail because it will show the world that I'm not who I say I am failure isn't an option I must do everything in my power not to fail even not trying the truth is that if you want to grow succeed and Achieve things then failure must be an option failure shows that you tried and took action failure is an important teach teacher that can help you not hurt you think about the mistakes you've made in the past that hurt you what did you learn from them that has helped you grow and change how can you start to accept loss and not see it as so dangerous it's not my fault because I had a hard childhood it's not my fault I'm unhappy because I hate my job it's not my fault people don't like me they just don't understand who I am the truth is that as adult we are fully responsible for our actions situations and relationships if we've been hurt or been through a tragedy in the past we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to get help it is our duty to figure out why we are sad and do something about it if we are unhappy in what ways do you think it's not your fault what can you do to fully own and take responsibility for this situation in your life it can be painful to face the truth about these lies but it's like taking off a Band-Aid soon the pain will go away the wound will heal and you'll be free to live a better more realistic life recognizing the truth will make you feel lighter freeing you from the chains of self-deception that were holding you back and letting you move forward with confidence steps to take go over the 10 myths that are holding you back in terms of confidence which one of these myths fits with what you think about yourself how can you dispel these myths and gain confidence in these cases write down some specific things you're ready to do in the next few weeks to accept the truth chapter nine being shy in public and being afraid to speak up a lack of confidence is often caused by being shy around other people psychology ology today says that shyness is the awkwardness or fear that some people feel when they approach or are approached by other people some people like introverts get a lot of energy from being alone but shy people often really want to connect with others but don't know how or can't handle the worry that comes with it do you know that you're socially shy it's okay you're not the only one it looks like a lot of people are becoming more more shy almost half of all Americans say they are shy technology is making more and more people shy because they can hide behind their computers and avoid talking to people in person people who aren't too shy can now avoid new people and social situations because all they need is to push a button to find someone to hang out with people who are shy are at a loss because they don't get to practice their social skills in the comfort of their daily lives as face-to-face interactions become less common in both personal and work life shyness was surprisingly common among many Americans and even more common in other countries like Japan and Taiwan even before it became popular to connect with others online Philip zimbardo PhD a psychologist at Stanford University wrote an article for psychology today in 1975 called called the social disease called shyness the article showed how common shyness is by asking 800 people who said they were shy even stranger many people who say they are shy don't seem shy at all to other people new research on shyness shows that most people who are shy hide it from other people in fact only about 15 to 20% of shy people really look uncomfortable but Dr Bernardo card II head of Indiana University's Southeast China's Research Institute says that all of them are hurting on the inside their calm appearance hides a world of chaos inside the shy people admitted that they are too self-conscious always judging themselves badly and too worried about what other people think of them while everyone else is greeting each other they are making plans for how to handle how people see them a lot of shy people spend a lot of time and effort trying to hide how shy they are they may appear at ease and confident in social situations but they're actually frequently having a negative and self-defeating conversation with themselves that makes them feel uncomfortable nervous and concerned about how other people see or judge them shyness whether it's noticeable or not causes a lot of problems inside of people who have it they have social issues like finding it hard to make new friends and meet new people which can make them feel alone and depressed people may think they're snobbish or not interested in what's being said because of how quiet they are but they're really just nervous people who are shy are constantly worried about how they look and act and they feel very self-conscious they are scared of both being seen but not being important to other people and being seen but not feeling important adults social shyness can be caused by many things such as Society parenting Styles and bonding character genetics and life events but most problems with shyness can be handled and solved no matter what caused them being aware of yourself and how shy you are is a good place to start think about the things that make you shy like meeting new people going to social events or talking to someone you might date how does your shyness show up in your life is it inside you making you feel self-conscious and anxious or is it outside you showing up in your stance forgetting words or pulling away from people stress and anxiety symptoms can happen because of being shy mindfulness-based breathing and other relaxing methods can help you get control of these symptoms if you want to start acting in a more confident way you need to be mostly free of worry symptoms you can start to fix the problem by learning more about yourself and how your shyness affects your confidence there are a number of things you can do in Social settings to help you get over being shy and boost your confidence one start with small safe places like malls museums or events where you can talk to a lot of people for a short time smile and say hello to as many people as you can to start learning social interaction ask someone for their time give them appraise or offer to help them discover easy ways to practice talking to people gradually exposing yourself to scary situations will help you get over your fears two work on your talking skills by having a few things ready to talk about with new people like something that happened in the news or something you noticed about your surroundings ask people open-ended questions and then say something about what they said you can even work on some of these things on your own time before the real thing happens third keep in mind that most people aren't really paying attention to you people are much more interested in how they look and what they're saying they aren't nearly as interested in your social skills or lack of them as you think just knowing that should help ease some of your stress and pain four look at what you did well after a social contact instead of dwelling on what you think were your mistakes think about what you did well how you got over being shy and how you felt confident as you practice you will get better at what you do five set reasonable goals for yourself a lot of shy people hold themselves to Impossible levels of perfection when they're with other people they are very hard on themselves when they fail being friendly with other people doesn't mean you have to be the life of the party before you go out with other people set goals that you can actually reach sixth know that being turned down sometimes is okay rejection is something that everyone goes through from time to time even if they are not shy it's okay that some people won't like you in this case too you should manage your goals people who are rejected don't always always have anything to do with it the point is to try to make friends on a daily basis and accept that some will work out and some won't pay attention to the conversations that go well start taking small doable steps to fix the problem if you have low self-confidence in social situations and shyness that keeps you from enjoying being with other people having more confidence will happen slowly but surely with each small win don't stay behind your computer make up reasons not to go to events or avoid meeting new people putting yourself off from possible relationships that could make you happy and help you grow is all you're doing get back into real life by spending time with real people and let other people enjoy all the things you have to give steps to take what makes you feel shy some examples are going to social events meeting new people or talking to someone you might want to date which small non-threatening things are you willing to do to push yourself and test how shy you are chapter 10 creating your POS as I stated earlier people with low confidence almost always look outside of themselves for validation encouragement they look outside of themselves to find a model for how to handle their lives how to think and how to feel this is different from looking to teachers or role models to inspire and guide you or to coaches and counselors to help you move forward when your confidence is low you look to others to accept you to prop you up to give permission or sanction your behavior when you do this too often it starts to impact your self-esteem as well by wanting this feedback we turn back to the behaviors of Youth when our parents had to help us ident identify and accept our choices and behaviors as adults this need for outside support is no longer necessary in fact it's harmful making us dependent on others for our well-being and happiness while abandoning our personal power though we certainly don't want to give away our power often we simply don't know how to take it we live unconsciously on autopilot not aware we have the power to make our lives intentionally we respond to whatever happens to come our way and haven't taken the time to Define who we are and what we want from Life some might think they don't even have the choice to Define this for themselves feeling bound to live a life set by other people creating your own pause personal operating system deep inside every person is the Deep desire to live truly to live the life we create for ourselves we might not be aware of that wanting but if it is not met our pain and longing show up in unhealthy ways like sadness anger anxiety passive aggressive behaviors and sickness we've talked about how you might be lying to yourself and letting those lies hold you back in earlier chapters we've talked about the roles you've played that might not be true to who you are but now let's go a step further and talk about how you can create your own POS or personal op operating system for your life your point of view POS is how you knowingly identify your world and choose to go about living in it we tend to focus on problems feel anxious and act out when we don't have confidence because we live in a world that is often aggressive and focused on pain people get better at their fight flight or freeze response to life events at the moment we are answering and reacting instead of making things when you make your posos you give yourself the tools you need for a new Fearless way of living your life you make a set of real decisions and actions that help you deal with life experiences more artistically effectively and with a lot more meaning and satisfaction now let's talk about how you can start making your own operating system this is not something that can be done quickly because it requires changing every part of your life but just knowing that you can make your own operating system is very powerful it makes you aware of how you are living without realizing it or letting other people decide what your life is about start thinking about what you would change about your life right now if you could go back and do things over you won't change everything though because your life is already pretty good however change the way you think by realizing that you can start over with many of your decision decisions beliefs actions and interactions in order to make your personal operating system you have to look at every part of your life and decide if it fits with your wants beliefs and tastes there are things you can't change at least not right away but there are things you can change that will make you feel a lot better about your selfconfidence you are getting more like the real you and building confidence that will grow over time getting clear on your core values is a good way to start making your POS you can use your values to guide every choice you make when making your POS once you've thought about them and decided which ones are the most important for your life and work your values are the rules that you live by they will help you understand yourself better so that you can make choices and act in all areas of your life and this gives you a a lot of power these ideals will help you stay on track As you move toward your own pass and keep you going when you have to make tough decisions or changes your personal ideals and operating system should guide your daily life if they do you are living consciously and with a purpose the structure of having ideals and a wellth thought out POS gives you more confidence right away because you've built a solid base for all all of your decisions and actions steps to take write down your top five or six most important ideas then make a list of the following parts of your life leaving space between each one relationships work Health learning and skills honesty money parenting and anything else under each area write down how you are living in a way that goes against your values or isn't aware and purposeful then write down the changes you want to make and the new operating system in each of these places make sure your new operating system fits with the way you live chapter 11 what your body says creating your personal operating system and writing down how you want to live is a great way to improve your confidence but let's return to our brains and bodies for a moment let's take a look at how the wrong body language could be causing you to have low confidence even if you have a good PA pay attention to your body language the next time you're talking to someone or in a meeting what does it tell other people about your skills and confidence what does it make you feel stronger the way we move and speak with our bodies tells a lot about who we are and how we feel people who are always on top of their game and full of confidence and Poise are probably people you've met some people on the other hand just blend in with the background when they walk into a place they look shy or uncomfortable in her well-known Ted talk about body language social psychologist Amy Cuddy shows how strong this non-verbal language is in shaping how others see us from the very first moment we meet them she says so social scientists have spent a lot of time looking at the effects of our body language or other people's body language on judgments and we make sweeping judgments and inferences from body language and those judgments can predict really meaningful life outcomes like who we hire or promote who we ask out on a date when you succeed or fail say yes or no or see your dreams come true or never the way you hold your arms where your eyes go or the way your head tilts can make all the difference before someone even has a chance to say hello our body language sends strong messages right away a researcher and professor at Princeton named Alexander todorov has shown how important body language can be in politics he has shown through his study that quick decisions based on looks can correctly predict how an election will turn out in real life todorov's lab tests showed that a quick look at two candidates faces and a quick assessment of how competent they were could tell you who would win in about 70% of us cases in 2006 there were races for Senate and State Governor it was over in tenth of a second we never told our test subjects they were looking at candidates for political office stated todder of we only asked them to make a gut reaction as to which unfamiliar face looked more qualified the results show that voters may make quick unthinking decisions based on a candidate's face but what does the way we move affect us if our body language has such a deep and immediate effect on the people we meet just think about how the messages we send ourselves add up over time if you have your eyes closed your shoulders slouched your arms crossed and your feet moving your brain is hearing I am small insignificant shy unworthy and unimportant what does confidence look like in the body it's huge it expands it takes up room it's literally bigger than life you have to stretch and get as big as you can to fill up as much room as possible the most important thing is that it can be broken down confident body language doesn't mean you have to feel confident in fact using confident body language boosts confidence levels it's all about the signals you send to your brain again your brain learns to accept low confidence when you slump avoid eye contact and pull in however if you show that you are confident your emotions will finally catch up Amy cudy did study on body language and found that people who do high power poses for Just 2 minutes have a 20% rise in testosterone the hormone of dominance and a 25% drop in cortisol the hormone of stress 10% less testosterone and 15% more cortis all were found in people who did low power poses the high power posers were also more likely to take risks than the low power posers and taking risks is a sign of confidence to start using your body language to boost your confidence all you have to do is become aware of how you use it now when you walk into a room talk to a new person or meet with your boss pay attention stop and pay attention to your body when you feel uncomfortable or lack confidence where do your legs and arms stand what's the way you hold your shoulders what do you have your eyes on how often do you smile as you become more aware of what your body is saying you and telling yourself you can start to make small changes you can also work on your confidence by doing power poses by yourself and in certain scenarios Amy cudy says you should try these noes one point V for victory hold your arms in the air in a vshape with your fists clenched smile tilt your chin up and puff out your chest you can do this before an interview or big meeting or whenever you need a confidence boost stay in this spot for about 3 minutes two Mr Clean crossed arms can show that you are protective but there are times when you should use them to show Power the most important thing is how your shoulders are placed Cross Your Arms over your chest and hold your head high if you want to make a point or look strong and sure of yourself three the Luma stand with your feet slightly apart and your hands spread out on the table or desk lean forward to close the deal win the case persuade someone of something or just take charge of the room four put your hands behind your head lean back and rest your feet on the table or desk this will help you take more profitable chances feel confident when pitching an idea and be more at ease when thinking five the CEO sit back in your chair and rest one arm on the back of it open your chest and spread your shoulders wide for men Space your feet and legs out a little the key is to be in a position that looks relaxed and wide open six as Wonder Woman you should stand with your feet hip width apart and your hands on your hips this is the standard hero pose it shows confidence strength and Poise seven a simple smile can increase your happiness and confidence according to studies to practice smiling you don't have to be joyful or confident just smile at yourself in the mirror or when you're by yourself and your brain will receive messages that make you feel confident eight the sleeper you can power pose even while you sleep Amy Cuddy says that instead of curled up in a fetal position you should lie on your back with your arms and legs stretched out you'll feel stronger and bigger when you wake up if you can't do these moves just remember to Stand Tall smile make eye contact open up and stand with your shoulders back and your head high Don't Look Down slouch draw in Cross your arms and legs or keep a blank face the confidence boost from those few changes will last for a long time it takes practice and understanding to change your body language but Studies have shown that the changes are well worth the time and effort as soon as you walk into a place your body language tells people something about you a confident hero is important important in your story even if it's just a fairy tale for a while the story will come true in the end steps to take one what does your body language look like most of the time are you using weak body language or low power poses to say what you want to say two Take 2 minutes every day to do some or all of the Power poses in this chapter in order to improve look at yourself in the mirror even if it seems simp silly then pick a move that you think you could actually do at work or somewhere else like a party or a family get together during the pose pay attention to how you feel and how other people react chapter 12 how judgment and intuition work together back in 2007 there was a big news story about a cat that lived in a nursing home and always jumped on a dead p patient's bed within a couple of hours dogs often let their owners know when something bad is happening with their health like a heart attack or stroke people who lived through the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami said they saw animals running to Higher Ground minutes before the wave hit animals seem to be able to pick up on small changes in their surroundings and in the people who are close to them they can pick up on changes in smell and vibration it it looks like people have the same gut sense Studies have shown that the anterior singulate cortex a part of the brain actually sounds the warning about danger without ever reaching the conscious mind people can interact with each other through their sense of smell thanks to chemicals called pheromones there's also the power of insight when it comes to making choices and decisions in our lives when you mix reasoning judgment and gut you get a strong source of confidence when we use our instincts we seem to quickly use our thinking and reasoning according to a study in the British Journal of Psychology intuitive experiences are based on judging both internal and outward cues right away researchers came to the conclusion that intuition is when your brain quickly makes a choice on a subconscious level based on past experiences and outside cues but but because it happens so quickly we don't realize that the Insight was really just a burst of logic psychodynamics is the study of how our conscious subconscious and Primal brains react to sensory input and experiences this quote about intuition makes sense to me as a way to explain it we tend to experience the higher levels of our intuition when dozens of conscious insights subconscious memories and senses converge to bring forward a conclusive Insight that would normally be beyond the scope of conscious calculation or cognitive explanation we can use everything that makes us unique to help us in a very Advanced and complicated way that seems almost extra sensory I'm not sure if the why of our instincts is that important in the long run there's a lot of proof that all of us have these skills to some degree even if science can't EXP explain them if you agree with this idea then I think the most important thing is how we use these skills to boost our self-confidence most people don't have a strong sense like animals do because we don't pay much attention to it we miss the details of our mind or the messages that our pheromones send because we are too busy paying attention to everything else modern technology has taught us to look outside of ourselves for answers instead of paying attention to the better sources of knowledge we already have this has made our judgment weaker I believe that our lives would be very different if we regularly paid attention to these sources the world we live in would be different and the decisions we make would be better thought out and based on facts we would feel and understand what might happen and what it all means on a deeper level as we become more aware of the subtleties of feelings and attitude our relationships and exchanges with other people will change and when our gut tells us to do something we'll be more confident in our decisions we could use all of our natural skills to their fullest in many areas of Our Lives if we put intuition logic and our other five senses together when we think back to the 2004 tsunami we see that it wasn't just animals that ran away before the Big Wave hit the original people of Sri Lanka also ran to Higher Ground because these people had lived with nature for almost 60,000 years they learned to behave like animals and almost all of them survived these are people who don't use technology and have to rely on their feelings and small cues from their surroundings to stay alive when you listen to your gut and go with your gut you boost your confidence because you trust yourself and your skills more when you use Reon reasoning judgment and gut together you can make very good decisions and choices it gives you a deep feeling of safety that no job relationship or amount of money can ever match there are many ways to connect with your gut and use its advice to improve your life these are some one slow down and pay attention if you don't you won't be able to tune in to your instincts and the subtle signs other people are sending you two don't fill your life with so many things that you're too busy to listen to what your gut is telling you three do not ignore the Vibes you get pay attention to the small signs and feelings that people and places send you putting your logic and your gut together can be a very helpful way to boost your confidence and make Good Life Choices it's possible to learn more about yourself and the world around You by following your gut and noticing small signs when you met someone did you feel awkward right away have you had the feeling that someone is looking at you have you felt like you were in danger before something bad happened don't ignore these signs even if you think they are stupid or easy to fool do the right thing especially if you feel like you're in danger your mind is sending you messages or your body is sending you signals through very slight changes or feelings ask a question inside yourself going to a quiet place where you won't be disturbed is helpful when you need to solve a problem make a choice or come up with a creative idea taking a few deep breaths will help you calm down then ask your mind something it wants to know wait for 10 to 15 minutes while you sit still as many times as you want before bed when you wake up up and in the car ask the question until you get an answer you will get direction from the power and patterns of all of your senses thoughts logic and memories record your thoughts and try to figure out what they mean your dreams are important events going on in your mind while you sleep through symbolic images and symbols they help you understand your daily problems and important events in your life do some reading and study on how to understand dreams so that you can get the most out of the lessons and mental help they give you to keep track of your thoughts write them down as soon as you remember them write down thoughts that come to you as you think them in a book one of the best ways to get in touch with your mind and boost your instincts is to write keep a journal where you can write down thoughts that come to you without any particular plan or focus when I sit down to write I often and ask myself what do I need to know today you'll be surprised at what I write don't think about it as you write it doesn't matter if what you write doesn't make sense wait a day before reading the book after you've closed it like your dreams this material may make more sense after some time has passed visualize and say what you want to happen your instincts dreams and inner mind all send you messages all the time send texts back right away think about what you want to do or your end goal talk about your plans out loud as if they are already true your inner mind can help you get what you want if you tell it what you want so often I'm not talking about a magical draw my mind and senses will help the seed grow and Bloom if you put it in your brain use all of your senses to listen to other people pay close attention when someone is talking to you listen to more than just the words notice the looks smells movements and feelings it's important to read the whole person not just the words this is a flexible and useful skill that can give you an edge and make you feel more confident in work and human situations some of these non-verbal signs are easy to pick up but others are more subtle and require you to figure out what someone is really saying pay close attention spend a lot of time outside when you spend time in nature you wake up and use parts of your brain that were important for Life a long time ago you are reconnecting with the natural order and becoming more aware of how all living things are connected you are adding to your intuitive tank so that you will have extra when you go back to the modern world when you work on building your confidence in areas where you may be missing it recognizing and developing your natural skills can help you learn more and feel more confident when you're confident you're ready to take a chance once in a while after using all the tools you have how can you slow down pay more attention and listen more carefully in different parts of your life so that you can trust what your gut is telling you are you trying to figure out how to solve a problem make a choice or come up with a clever solution what can you ask your inner mind to help you understand understand things better you should write the questions down and then ask yourself those questions wait for an answer while you sit still for 5 to 10 minutes what did you find chapter 13 how to raise your EQ for trustworthy relationships when I'm teaching a client one of the biggest steps they often take is realizing that their adult decisions attitudes and actions have power over them people can get stuck in defensive behaviors old hurts and learned beliefs that they don't even know they are stuck in a stage of childhood that is holding them back from growing as a person and from getting along with others there is a lot of common psychology writing about the idea of accepting your inner child in this case I'm talking about the therapy that mental health professionals generally do to help their clients heal the emotional wounds and find new ways to deal with problems that come up because of bad situations in childhood helping people face and fix underlying sadness and unmet needs from childhood is part of this inner child work most of the time this sadness shows up as depression controlling Behavior anger trouble with closeness and trouble communicating to become a fully effective healthy adult you need to face and fix these hurts hurs accepting your adult side is another big step toward being whole and healthy we don't always become the adults we're meant to be because we missed a stage in our mental growth or didn't have the right people to look up to or support us we don't know how to act and behave like adults or copy their actions having problems in relationships over and over again is often a sign that your inner adult wants to come out people who have relationship problems can have problems with close friends family co-workers and even romantic Partners someone Close to You may have been complaining about your actions responses or choices for a long time if this has happened you need to take a hard look at yourself and start making changes in fact every once in a while everyone should check in with their inner adult to make sure they are still alive and well how well you know your emotional intelligence EQ is a good way to get a feel for this Wikipedia says that emotional intelligence is the skill of being aware of your own and other people's feelings telling the difference between them and giving them the right labels and letting your emotions affect how you think and act the idea has been around for a while but Daniel Goldman's bestselling book emotional intelligence why it can matter more than IQ made it more well known a person with a high EQ works hard every day to change the way they think and act around themselves and their surroundings so that they are no longer childish or dependent a person with a high EQ is honest open and ready to learn grow and accept her flaws and mistakes being emotionally intelligent means being aware of your feelings knowing what they mean and knowing how they affect the people around you you can handle relationships better and with more empathy if you try to understand how other people feel the book by Daniel Goldman says that emotional intelligence is made up of five main parts one being self-aware emotionally intelligent people are very aware of who they are it's clear to them what their thoughts are and they don't let them control them they know that how they feel affects other people they are also ready to be honest with themselves they know what they do well and what they could do better and they work on those things being aware of yourself is seen by many as the most important part of emotional intelligence two self-regulation means being able to handle your feelings and urges people who can self-regulate don't let themselves get too angry or jealous and they don't make Hasty careless choices they consider what they do before they do it self-regulation means being careful being okay with change being honest and being able to say no three when it comes to motivation emotionally intelligent people tend to be driven they're ready to wait for long-term success over short-term results in everything they do they are very productive love a task and are very good at it four this could be the second most important part of emotional intelligence after empathy being able to understand and relate to the wants needs and points of view of others is what empathy is empathy means being able to understand how someone else feels even if those feelings aren't clear because of this people who are sensitive are generally great at handling relationships listening and getting along with others they don't judge or guess too quickly quickly and they are very open and honest in how they live their lives five good social skills make it easy to get along with and like people this is another sign of emotional intelligence people who are good at social skills usually work as a team instead of putting themselves first they help other people grow and shine they're great at handling disagreements talking to people and making and keeping relationships the good news is that you can learn and improve your emotional intelligence there are a lot of books and tests that can help you figure out your EQ and see where you might need to do some work these tips can also help one watch how you respond to other people do you judge someone before you have all the facts do you make assumptions take a good look at how you think and how you treat other people try to see things from their point of view and be more willing to to listen to and meet their wants two look around where you work do you want people to notice what you've done you don't have to be shy or lack confidence to be humble you can be quietly confident in your accomplishments when you exhibit humility allow other people to shine don't worry too much about getting praise for yourself put the attention on them three take a look at yourself what are your weak points are you okay with the fact that you're not perfect and that you could improve some things about yourself this year be brave enough to really see yourself and make changes based on what you find four look at how you handle situations that make you feel stressed getting angry every time something takes too long or doesn't go as planned when it's not their fault do you blame or get mad at other people in business and in life in general being able to stay calm and in charge when things go wrong is very valuable when bad things happen keep your feelings in check five take responsibility for what you do are you aware that you may have recently upset or hurt someone if so say sorry right away don't avoid the person or forget what you did if you truly try to make things right most people will be more willing to forgive and forget think about how what you're going to do will affect other people before you do it if your choice will affect other people try to see things from their point of view what will they think if you do this would you like to have that happen how can you help other people deal with the effects of what you have to do your self-confidence will grow as you learn more about emotional intelligence people will naturally want to be with you and you'll feel stronger and More in charge of your feelings and responses at first the skills might not come naturally to you but keep an eye out for ways you act that don't show you have a high EQ being aware is the first thing that can lead to change do what it says read over the six tips in this chapter and write down the answers to the questions that are asked in each one think about specific things you can do to get smarter about your emotions a free emotional int Ence test can be found online if you want to learn more about your emotional intelligence you can find a number of free tests by searching Google for free emotional intelligence test Chapter 14 the price you pay for not being confident having low self-confidence can definitely stop you from making money in fact having faith in your own skills and abilities might be more important than things that seem more important like family wealth education and demographics you do have a cash Edge if you were born into a wealthy and well-educated family but when you add self-confidence to the mix your chances of being financially successful go up substantially according to Dr Timothy judge in the Journal of Applied psychology children who grow up with parents who are educated and work in professional jobs do have a lot of benefits these benefits are even greater when the children are confident in their own abilities while not having the Silver Spoon doesn't automatically make you lack confidence or stop you from being financially successful it can people from Blue Collar families who are confident earn about $7,000 more a year than people from the same social class who are not confident this is because confidence is so important similarly professionals who have confidence Ence earn about $28,000 more than those who don't in light of popular beliefs that kids from middle and upper class families have it made it is surprising to see what little positive impact socioeconomic status has in the absence of self-esteem explains Dr Judge researchers have found that people who have a good attitude and believe in their own abilities set Higher Goals which leads to higher incomes they are less like to take problems personally or let them stop them from succeeding even when they do face problems there are however things that people with low self-confidence do in their minds that hurt their chances of success which makes it less likely for them to ask for or get promotions raises or even jobs sadly bosses clients and customers make assumptions about people who act like they don't have much confidence people who lack confidence are less likely to speak up in meetings or take on difficult tasks this can make their bosses think they are not smart effective or willing to work hard having confidence in yourself is important no matter what you do for a living people with confidence are much more likely to make more money than people who don't have confidence you might feel worse about your financial future at first after reading this but remember that you are reading this book to boost your confidence every little boost in self-confidence helps you get past problems that are stopping you from being financially successful it gives you the strength to believe in your skills take chances ask for the job or the raise and speak up in meetings taking one confident step could help you get that business loan get the account or get a raise all of these things will have a huge effect on your financial future when added up of course having confidence in yourself gives you the drive to handle your money well make Smart Financial choices get more training or education and set financial goals that are both realistic and difficult you can deal with confidence issues that are getting in the way of your financial success in real life you can do these things every morning before you go to work do some exercise before you ask for a raise try to close a deal or just when you don't feel confidence it's impossible to say enough good things about how exercise makes you feel about your confidence endorphins are chemicals in your body that make you feel good and give you more energy when you work out Simply put finishing an exercise routine will make you feel good about yourself and you'll be able to carry that confidence with you all day appearance I've talked about this before but I want to stress it again how you look and how you feel about your looks can have a huge impact on your confidence especially if you work with other people do what you need to do to honestly evaluate and improve your looks take care of your teeth and hair get new clothes and stay at a healthy weight people rate us and our skills based on how we look whether we like it or not confidence will naturally follow when your look matches how you want people to see you remember that strong body language makes people feel more confident you can fake the power poses we talked about earlier but they will still make you feel confident lack of confidence is often caused by shy body language if you want to make more money practice whenever you get the chance do something you have to ask for the raise in order to get it if you don't negotiate you won't get the better deal getting a no is the worst thing that could happen if they say no it doesn't mean they don't like you or think you're not worth it no means you can try again in a more creative way or it means you have a good reason for not doing it this time explain what it means to you to be financially successful you might have a pay number in mind or you might want to live a certain way that needs a certain amount of money write down and explain what that is then make a list of all the things you need to do to get to that pay or amount of income think about everything you can do right now to get closer to that level in the next year put that money where you can see it every day to push yourself to do something as you work on your confidence you'll probably notice a direct link between how much money you make and how much confidence you have that information should excite and drive you to keep taking small doable steps to get out of your comfort zone and put push yourself to become more financially successful steps to take how do you think your bosses co-workers and clients see your confidence can you name specific ways that your lack of confidence has hurt your ability to make money what specific steps are you ready to take to boost your confidence at work get the extra training or education you may need for your job change the things at work that are holding you back that you can't change and learn how to handle your money in a flexible Way chapter 15 is about practice and being aware of the present moment I learned to play the piano and the violin when I was a kid it sounded great to be able to play the piano or violin well I remember when I got my fiddle and showed it to all my friends it was like a beautiful item in a museum it was in a green velvet lined case shined and smelled like Rosen my friends were amazed and I was proud of myself even though I hadn't had my first lesson yet as soon as I started taking lessons on both the piano and the violin I didn't realize that just having one didn't make me a good performer or give me confidence I knew that I had to go to school I didn't know how much work it would take practice felt like work like the hard work you had to do to get to Carnegie Hall one day in his book outliers the story of success Malcolm Gladwell says that it takes 10,000 hours of work to become a worldclass master at something without a doubt it takes thousands of hours of practice over time to get good at something not only is practice an important part of getting good at something it's also the foundation of self-confidence you write more if you want to get better at it you work on your art if you want to be an artist law is what you do if you want to be a lawyer do volunteer work if you want to serve it's important to practice work hard and gain knowledge in any skill you want to feel confident about you have to be ready for the pain of not being good at something at first and the discipline that comes with practicing what's more you need to learn how to lean into exercise the most important person in the history of modern dance Martha Graham talks beautifully about the power of practice in a 1952 radio show called this I believe I think that doing things helps us learn the idea behind learning something is the same whether you want to learn how to dance or how to live in general to feel a sense of success a sense of who you are and a pleasure of the spirit you have to do a committed set of Acts whether they are physical or mental it's like becoming a player of God in some way practice means to do something over and over again even when there are problems it requires active hope and desire practice is a way to get closer to the Quality you want as you practice even before you hit a stage of skill your self-confidence will improve you will have strong proof that practice gives skill you will have proof that you are capable of success yes there is a certain amount of work involved in practice but if you are intensely focused on it practice can be deeply fulfilling when I was taking piano and violin lessons my sister Jesse was taking piano and cello classes we both took our lessons for a few years and then we both quit after driving our mother Crazy by constantly whining about practice as a result I never felt confident about my singing skills Jesse however has taken up piano again as an adult she quit when she was 12 and started again at age 50 she practices every day and finds great joy in it here is what she wrote to me about practice I've come to understand that my real passion is practice and the experience of flow that comes as its result by practice I mean any discipline which allows a person to cultivate themselves over a long period of time I don't think school as I experienced it taught me how to learn I don't remember having teachers whom I truly respected or ever feeling that I had waded into endless depths with immense joy in my 20s I discovered the Japanese martial art of iido over 20 years of practice in some years five times a week I believe I have bowed to a partner or a teacher almost 100,000 times these are full bows all the way to the floor simply to begin practice or to to thank another for trusting their body to me I love the unstinting generosity of spirit that practice demands I love the repetition accompanied by the demand that one deepen deepen deepen there is a story about a man who approached a famous martial arts teacher asking to study with him the teacher asked him why he wanted to learn martial arts to defend myself the man responded ah the teacher said and which self do you want to defend I have loved coming to know the different selves which have developed over the years of training some years ago I found that the injuries I had accumulated over time stopped me from training it would be tough to describe the sadness I felt after a time of what felt like aimlessness I began endurance running during that same time I had adopted a child I came to see that the practice of iido with its set plan would have been almost impossible given the real-time responsibilities of parenting I was glad for the privacy of running and for the fact that I could run at 4:00 a.m. and be home before my son woke up again after some years accidents stopped my work the first time I played the cello was 5 years ago instead of wearing a uniform bowing to a partner and falling over and over I tuned My Cello Rose ined my bow and wiped the dust off it my iido Sensei and my running coaches always told me to loosen up my shoulder open my face and train with joy now my teacher does the same thing when you practice with joy you not only boost your confidence but you also become more aware of the present moment you are letting practice go from being just a way to get something done to being an exercise in being aware and involved fear of practice doesn't have to keep you from doing it start to see practice as a chance to have fun the only things that can stop you from increasing your confidence in any part of your life are your ideas and your desire to work at it every day we have a lot of chances to boost our confidence just by practicing if you say you're not confident because you aren't good at something then learn how to do it you might tell yourself that you don't have the skills not know or resources to do something but most of the time these are just stories that keep us stuck one of my favorite parts of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin is when Elizabeth Bennett corrects Mr Darcy when he tries to explain away his bad social skills as she plays the piano she does this while looking very bad I certainly have not the talent which some people possess stated Darcy of conversing easily with those I have never seen before I cannot catch the tone of conversation or appear interested in their concerns as I often see done my fingers stated Elizabeth do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women do they have not the same force or rapidity and do not produce the same expression but then I have always supposed it to be my own fault because I would not take the trouble of practicing it is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution Austin page 132 M Bennett may not feel confident in her singing abilities but she has the confidence and self-awareness to know that she only needs to practice to become proficient having low confidence in a certain area of your life might not be because you don't think you can do it well but because you don't want to put in the time and effort to get good at it it if your lack of confidence has made you less motivated to put in time and effort remember that the more you practice the more motivated and confident you will become you can start without any drive or confidence start out small spend a little time every day but do it every day once you feel more motivated and interested start adding more practice time just start doing what you want to do to reach your goal keep doing it until you get better soon enough you'll understand how practice Fosters a happy confidence in both your accomplishments and your daily efforts to become proficient what should you do next are any of your confidence issues connected to something you're not very good at have you thought about taking the time to get better at what you do what kind of Promise are you ready to make to yourself to work on or practice one or more of these things chapter 16 making decisions and solving problems with confidence if you want to boost your confidence there's no better place to do it than by learning how to deal with the problems and choices that life will inevitably bring your way you feel stuck when you don't have confidence you don't believe in yourself or think that you can make the right decisions or deal with problems in the right way you feel like you don't have the wisdom knowledge or insight to make any decisions or solve any problems this makes everything very painful so you don't do anything and let things happen as they may which can have disappointing or even painful results it is very important for building your confidence that you learn to move forward even when you are scared or unsure Teddy Roosevelt once said when you have to make a choice the worst thing you can do is nothing why is doing nothing the worst thing you can do because doing nothing not only leaves choices and problems unresolved but it also takes away your confidence and makes you feel helpless you can get used to the process by practice making choices and fixing problems in small doable settings to boost your confidence you need to work on two things making decisions and fixing problems first there are the emotional Parts getting past or controlling the scari and awkward feelings that come up when you have to make a choice or solve your problem second there's the mental and logical process you need to go through before you can act on a problem or Choice learning the second one will help you with the first one because you use your thinking sense and tried andrue methods to figure out what to do and how to make decisions you'll be more sure that you're handling things correctly no matter what happens in your life you'll get better at solving problems and making choices as you practice you'll feel confident that you did your best and have the strength to act in the future even if things don't go the way you planed before you decide on anything here are some things you should do one figure out what your principles are and how you run your life before you make a choice this should be the basis and point of reference for all of your choices how do you see your life in your greatest thoughts in terms of your job your relationships your money your way of life and so on what core ideals does your vision back or show make sure you write down your personal operating system and the ideals that guide it you can change these as needed over time you can then use these as a help when you have to make a big choice look at the different events that could happen on each side of the choice does one result help you reach your goal if you stray too far from your goal you'll feel bad and hurt in the end use your idea to help you decide what to do which one lines up most closely with it two think about the pros and cons think about the good and bad things that could happen as a result of your choice make a list of the pros and cons of each option then put the most important ones at the top of the list to show how important they are what are some things that the cons might mean are they worse than the pros what are you willing to do to deal with the possible bad outcomes what could you do to lessen the effects if you need to make a big choice that includes many smaller choices use this pros and cons method for each one three ask for help and comments make a list of two or three friends or experts Whose advice and opinion you value show them your list of pros and cons and tell them about your personal operating system then ask them what they think about your choice a person who is not involved in the decision-making process and has a different point of view can help you see things more clearly by asking you direct questions about your reasons feelings and wants a personal coach or psychologist can also help you make up your mind about your choice people's opinion shouldn't be your only source of information but it should be a part of the process of making a choice four take some time to think give yourself some time to think about the things you've learned and the thoughts that have come to you imagine yourself in every possible result of the choice and think about the good and bad things that might happen in each Which choice seems like the best one when you think about all the different results what does your mind tell you five set a goal that everyone knows about following this decision-making process you need to do something set a fair due date for yourself and let everyone know about it you should make a choice even if you're not sure you won't always feel 100% sure about a choice so be ready to have mixed thoughts after you've done the work resp Ed your vision thought about the pros and cons and asked for help make your choice jump and don't look back in our lives we can choose from millions of different paths Each of which leads to a unique set of chances and possible outcomes you won't have a promise but you don't need one either part of the fun of life is the unknown making decisions and handling problems are very similar but problems are generally more complicated whenever you have a problem at work or in your personal life there are usually other people involved and a lot of different things that could go wrong putting aside your feelings for a while whether they are fear anger sadness or frustration and looking at the problem logically is the most important first step in fixing a problem you can always go back to the feelings but give yourself a break so you can think clearly when you have a problem follow these five easy steps one this seems like a no-brainer but we want to be sure we know what we're dealing with when our feelings are high as clearly as you can name the problem then look at the current situation and see how it varies from the state or result you want two study the issue to study something you need to find out as much as you can about it you might need to look deeper than what is clear on the surface in order to expand your mind and consider a range of options and consequences before you really understand what's going on you don't want to make jumpy decisions three develop possible solutions come up with a lot of different ideas by talking with other people thinking about how you've solved similar problems in the past or even looking into how other people have solved this problem four think about the pros and cons of each option as described in the decision-making process think about each option and choose the one that makes the most sense leads to the best result and causes the least harm think about the shortterm and long-term effects five figure out what to do now that you know what the problem is and what possible answers there are act right away fix problems as soon as possible so they don't keep you up at night and drain your energy even the most self- assured and confident people experience fear doubt and discomfort when faced with problems and choices we are all stressed out by uncertainty and problems in our lives when you have a plan and a good process you can lessen these feelings you gain confidence when you learn to stick to a plan no matter how you feel and act on it as you go through the process again and and again it will get easier and you will feel better about your skills and abilities steps to take what choices or issues are you currently dealing with put them in order of how worrying they are from most worrying to least worrying following the steps in this chapter will help you start working on all of these choices and issues once you're done with the steps for each choice or issue Mark your plan with a date to act in the market it this will help you stay on track tell someone you trust about your plans and when you plan to act chapter 17 the power of being responsible for yourself it's up to you to keep your self-confidence up many of the things that have made you feel low in confidence have been painful and long-lasting when you don't have much confidence in yourself you feel bad emotions that make you want to hide away and keep avoiding things that make you feel weak uncertain or useless there are times when it seems so much easier to just accept having low confidence and stick to what is safe and familiar we can block ourselves off with reasons blame guilt and fear we're no longer kids though so we can't keep hiding behind the wall if we want to do well in the real world we have to be responsible for our own happiness which means dealing with the things that make us lack confidence and using the skills we've learned to boost it someone once wrote me this in reaction to a post on my blog Live Bold and Bloom about the ideas that have changed my life a big one that I would like to add is taking personal responsibility for years I thought I understood this but really didn't I didn't want to admit it but I did a lot of blaming at a very low point in my life when I felt that nothing I did was working I used to be a control freak too I felt like I gave up in hindsight I realized that I didn't give up I just decided to accept everything and everyone the way they were I let my feelings be known and accepted whatever came next now I take full responsibility for my actions and my circumstances when things aren't the way I would like them to be I look at how I got myself into the situation and how I can get myself out out I apologize more I feel more open and compassionate towards others things are easier and I'm a lot happier it's clear that this reader has grown a lot emotionally and in her confidence she doesn't blame others give up or accept what life gives her anymore she has given herself power one of the most important parts of self-empowerment is taking full control of your life and being responsible for your actions this is freeing and scary at the same time it feels freeing to take full responsibility for your life because you make your own decisions and choices live by your own set of values and operating system and don't have to worry about meeting other people's standards you feel good when you're being truly yourself but it's scary because you can't blame other people for your mistakes and setbacks no you need to reach your full potential you can't can't hold on to the childish safety of other people you need to let go of the Brave you even if that person was holding you back but as you take more responsibility for your actions those fears start to go away you connect with your source of confidence lifestyle is more fun and things are easy when you make it happen on your own terms instead of responding to your fears or outside events giving up your power through fear and blame is equivalent to giving up responsibility for your self-confidence problems you're giving up control over your life and letting the Winds of Fate blow over you your self-esteem goes down the more you do this when you let your lack of confidence keep you from reaching your full potential it's hard to respect yourself how then can you take ownership of your actions and build confidence in yourself take a close look at your life and yourself to see where you might be giving up your path power what are you letting other people say about you or how you act who do you think is to blame for your lack of confidence what are you trying to avoid what are you using as a reason for yourself and others next get rid of the victim mindset people who are self-empowered don't see themselves as victims they see themselves as makers mover makers and thrivers you might not even be aware that you have a victim mindset set it could be deeply ingrained in your mind from being a victim in the past being a victim can even make you feel good because it gets you respect and pity but that's all it gives you being kind and getting respect aren't enough to live a confident and happy life one aspect of being a victim is telling yourself a story over and over to justify your actions and lack of confidence we all have these stories and some of them are true you had a bad childhood you lost your job your partner broke up with you and your business failed of course everyone has had bad things happen in their lives and some have been really hurt things like this will happen to you all the time though and you will always be the main player in a sad story you become more and more rooted in your story The more you tell it you have to practice taking responsibility for your life before it comes naturally while you're building your skills and confidence you should do the things that self-empowered people do move your thoughts away from victim language and towards success language to start try to stop yourself from feeling blamed ashamed guilty or sorry for yourself then change your thoughts to ones of self-love acceptance thanks and confidence take real steps to back up your new ideas for every time you said I can't I'm too weak or I'm too afraid now take one small step toward you can each small step will give you more power in spite of what most people think taking responsibility for your confidence often means accepting help from other people asking for help doesn't make you weak or unable it means you are strong enough to take full responsibility for your own growth by looking for another way to quickly increase your awareness confidence and knowledge you can get this kind of help from books classes therapy coaching and even from friends and family self-confident people can all use the help and advice of people who only want what's best for them don't forget that you are in charge of your own happiness and growing your confidence putting the techniques in this book into practice can change how you feel about yourself and your skills you have to practice and get past your doubts and fears in order to take action on the things you want to do no one else can do it for you accept full and complete responsibility for your confidence and deeds every day to recover your personal power you'll know how much your hard work has paid off when you start to believe in yourself your skills and your ability to live a happy successful life what are some ways that you let other people Define or control you or how you act who do you think is to blame for your lack of confidence or other problems in what ways might you be keeping a victim mindset alive what do you say to keep the story going now what are you going to do to take responsibility for who you are the things you do and choose and your life write down what you think and how you answer these questions chapter 18 building confidence for life you you didn't have a lot of confidence when you started reading this book you did however have enough confidence to start reading and taking steps to get better so please take a moment to be thankful and proud making the choice to take charge of your life by working hard to boost your confidence was the first thing you did you're almost done with the confidence boosting steps in this book now that you've finished this book I hope your confidence level has gone up a lot take a moment to think about how much your confidence has grown in the last few weeks if you've been following the steps and ideas in this book a few moves and changes in how you act can make a huge difference in your life your goal is to have confidence in yourself for a long time not just now your goal is to have new thoughts and actions about yourself and to love and accept yourself as the unique and wonderful person you are all the time or at least most of the time people who have had low self-confidence for a long time will need to work on it every day until it comes naturally to them as I've said before you have to teach your brain new things in order for it to really believe them self-confidence is a skill that can be learned just like any other think about that the next time you read something self-confidence on the other hand is one of those skills that will make every other part of your life better every in your life gets 10 times better when you believe in yourself like yourself and are healthy and accepting of your flaws and past mistakes you don't have to worry about how other people see you or how bad you feel about yourself anymore don't you want that for the rest of your life so how do you keep your confidence up for life in the last part I'll talk about specific things you can do next before we get to those I want to make sure you know what you need to do starting after reading this book you need to promise yourself that you will work on your confidence every single day you should do it every day like you do your shoes or brush your teeth it's simple you won't do the work if you don't make this promise for those who don't do the work they will return to their confidence level which is where they began this book you now have a lot of tools thoughts and steps to use these tools will will always be there for you but you can't just close the book and leave it if possible please set aside 10 to 15 minutes every day ideally first thing in the morning to do something that will boost your confidence this could mean going over the previous chapters and action steps again saying mantras out loud making a list of things you're grateful for or a mix of these start your day with a confidence boost make working on your self-confidence a top priority every day until it feels normal to you this could take a few more months even after that keep working on it whenever you feel your confidence slipping there is no easy way to boost your confidence it takes work so please make a promise to do it what steps do you need to take to boost your confidence based on what you've learned in this book what will you do every day to boost your confidence if you need ideas read the parts again make a list of the things you will do every day how long you will spend on them and what time of day you will do them you can put them on your calendar or set your phone or computer to remind you of them take these steps and promise yourself in writing that you will follow through put the promise somewhere you can see it every day sign it and show it to your family and friends conclusion and what to do next you have now reached the end of building your confidence you have shown a deep desire to become the person you want to be and were meant to be just by reading this book I hope you realize what a great step you have taken a very small number of people really take charge of their lives and make changes that matter being low on confidence isn't your fate or your sentence for life not only are you allowed to have confidence in yourself you need to have it if you want to get the most out of your time on Earth you now have the knowledge and tools to take charge of your life you have a better idea of who you are what has been stopping you and how to move forward it will be easy to fall back into old habits and ways of thinking in the days or weeks after you finish this book your old ways of reacting to Hard Times or scary events will try to creep back in you worked on these answers for years but it only took you a short time to try to undo them you will need to keep your promise to use the new skills and ways of thinking that you have started to adopt set more small goals to boost your confidence until you feel ready to move on to bigger more difficult goals over time having confidence in yourself will become your default State you will see that life goes through ups and downs with happy and sad times but your confidence stays strong I want to leave you with some things to remember and things to do next remember that the things you think about yourself aren't always the truth the whole truth or nothing but the truth as you work to boost your confidence show proof that goes against your bad views and replace them with new positive thoughts know that you're not the only one who has had or still has problems with self-confidence if someone has done enough things anyway even though they were scared then they are self-confident use your skills be aware of them and be thankful for them though you should work on your floors remember that they are like little kids who need your love and support not being scolded everybody has weak and strong points but some people focus on just one or the other please recognize that past events or hurts have affected your present life but do not focus on them take the time to heal from pain but don't lose sight of what's happening right now or the things you want to achieve if worry or sadness keep you from doing anything getting better should be your first concern do not wait to see a doctor Andor a psychologist being sad all the time will stop you from becoming self-confident if you are addicted to getting praise read chapter 7 again about how to stop trying to please other people and keep working to let go of the need to please them people who matter will easily be drawn to you if you like yourself your personal code of ethics and core beliefs should be somewhere you can see them often you can't go wrong if you make choices and act in line with these use these every day working out eating well hanging out with friends spending time in nature spending time with your faith and being artistic will all make you feel better about yourself if you're having a bad day do one of these things take a break out of your thoughts if you often think negatively try the rubber band trick to change the way you think then go do something what you do is creative and helps you move forward practice practice practice if you want to feel confident about a skill nothing boosts confidence like Mastery and success try the ideas in this book every day until you feel like having confidence in yourself comes natur naturally write down your goals actions and successes as you work to build your confidence remind yourself of what you want to do and what you have already done remember this book will always be there for you to help you boost your confidence finally think about how many days you have left if you live to be 90 years old add them up anyway there are only so many of them and you will reach the end one day how many of those valuable days do you want to waste on fear worry and self-doubt how long are you going to wait place your fears and questions in your mind every day in a box and put it on a shelf then make sure that every day is exactly how you want it to be free of fear and doubt you'll come back to this box one day and find it empty your fears and doubts have gone away because you were too busy living a confident life thanks for coming along with me on this trip to boost my confidence you bring something important and lovely to the world your neighborhood your family and your friends it was an honor to walk this road with you and help you feel like the amazing confident person you are