[Music] we now return to VH1's Behind the Music Dr teeth and the Electric Mayhem it must have been around 1979 When Animals started snorting crushed up pieces of felt got pretty ugly me had big problem before me found God he like threw me down and he said I hope your Puppeteer has big hands because I'm not using Lube me no remember that but me believe it happened I got it H says Glenn Quagmire but if you squint then imagine it says Peter Griffin it says Peter Griffin Peter it's quag Meers take it next door hold on Lois now this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma do I deliver the package to its rightful owner or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Man do not open that box you know Lois physicists believe there are two alternate universes one in which I don't open the box and one in which I do I'm not going to open the box I'm going to open the box a sweet it's a whip Peter be careful with that thing remember we'll rent in this house that's depressing wow I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies you shall battle to the death and the winner will be given his freedom why you looking at me like that Peter would you like a glass of oh my God I told you not to play God with those ants all right Meg stay incredible still I'm going to whip that cigarette out of your mouth and maybe not slice your face in half dad I don't want to do this stay still okay that's pretty cool too hey Dad that's a cool whip I thought you couldn't understand [Music] me you will never it down unless it no one gets away until they with it I say with it okay with it good I'm doing my very best thanks that was way too much heat on my neck oh a message from Joe hey Cleveland I just wanted to give you a heads up that Peter has a whip because well you know given your racial Heritage it seems like something you might want to keep an eye out for grape soda gram I know this is very risky but the upside is so good I'm taking it we now return to the outlawed Josie Wales should we bury him nah leave him for the buzzards I like that guy oh boy here comes Harry he thinks no one will notice he got his neck done hey fellas I'm back from that family wedding G hey what you watching The Outlaw Josie Wales it's a western ah when do the Cowboys go into the tent lick their palms and have sex with each other different kind of Western e what's Clint eward doing with that Indian chief oh they're they're just becoming Blood Brothers Blood Brothers what the devil is that well it's an ancient ritual where two friends intermingle their blood thus sealing a bond even deeper than friendship yes yes let's do that Brian I want you inside me you don't have to say it like that oh come on we're best friends right Stewie I'm not actually we're even more than best friends I mean we share the same home we've been on countless adventures together and besides you owe me Brian remember what you did to my last Halloween costume I am going to be the cutest fire hydrant in the whole ah what are you doing okay your turn I think we should hold hands more often there you go we're Blood Brothers now you happy actually yes I mean I really feel the bond Brian I feel like we're closer now you know more connected more intertwined yeah I guess in a way we are hey are are you Blood Brothers with Meg because you ate her Tampa out of the trash no that no that's that's something [Music] else oh man I could use a cold beer yeah me too I just had a killer rehearsal I'm not biting me neither you forget how many scenes tevia is in whoa whoa whoa what's this that's our booth uh uh excuse me hey fellas uh Hey listen this is a little awkward but uh you guys are sitting in our booth listen here Pencil Neck this is our booth now and we ain't leaving so what are you going to do about it [ __ ] look dudes clearly you don't want to move and that's fine we'll come back in an hour nice try wheelie but this ain't your booth no more that's right we see you losers anywhere near this booth and we'll bust your kneecaps we're willing to take that risk shut up Joe all right I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this but you fellas are in big trouble if uh if you could just move back like 8 ft is that my whip hey is that my Taser all right I'll just strangle him with this Hawaiian shirt will you stop going through my mail all right [ __ ] either you tuck your little wangs between your legs and waddle out of here or we're going to beat the crap out of you so what's it going to be I I think we're going to do the Wang [Music] thing what the hell [Applause] ow ew what's [Music] this you son of a [ __ ] you gave me herpes what what are you talking about when we swapped blood look at my lip it's a disgusting herpes saw and now I have some very uncomfortable phone calls to make hola handy man's repair shop You Break It We Fix It Manny Manny I'm going to need you to take me off speaker phone for this stee that's crazy there's no way I gave you herpes then how do you explain this I don't know you're a gross [ __ ] look it can't be my fault Stewie I don't even have herpes oh yeah let me see hey hey hey what are you doing stop it oh my God look at you you're more herpes than dog okay fine I admit it I gave you herpes you bastard you knew you had her he said and you still agree to swap blood with me look relax it's not that big a deal not that big a deal it's a disgusting unsightly unsavory disease and it lost for Life yeah but you know I mean isn't the worst thing about Herpes just the stigma I mean like like what if it wasn't called herpes like like what if it was called buo huh oh I got a little buo oh that's cute ah I want buo you know my uncle was in the Army and he got genital buo from a Saigon hor shut up just shut up you should be ashamed of yourself I mean look at me and on the same day I'm supposed to help with my friend's wedding invitations so I was thinking I know they're kind of overused lately but your colors should be like yellow and gray you know I've always been against destination Weddings But it's nice to finally see Denver and now the History Channel presents the guy who lived in between the Hatfields and The McCoys I'm just going to get my mail and I'm not going to ask who killed my daughter it's water under the bridge I'm just getting my mail H what happened I couldn't see I have no idea the TV is like directly over my head all I can see are the spider veins of Alcoholics wearing shorts what I said huh all I can see is what you can't see what I can only see what damn it Peter ow Joe what are you trying to say h it doesn't matter I just I hate sitting at the are I wish we had our old Booth back what are we supposed to do fight those guys they would have kicked our asses Peter's right we've just got to accept the fact that well we're we're kind of cowards I know yesterday I even went to a cowards Anonymous meeting hello my name's Cowardly Lion and I'm a coward I'm afraid of small dogs girls with pigtails flying monkeys wait wait this this's flying monkeys that's a thing sure they got Shar fangs claws God they sound terrifying wait you think so too yes and fear is a logical response to actual danger huh I guess you're right hey I'm the rational lion so [ __ ] you guys what a morning by the time I got done with my pubes I just didn't feel like shaving anymore hey Charlotte that's very cute Stewie but if I let you dress up like Hector alzando I have to let everyone oh my God your mouth looks like the underside of a boat good Lord nobody wants to be near me this is lonelier than a Kennedy family reunion where is everybody oh yeah they're dead all right flight attendant please prepare for cross check I'm not crosschecking anything I heard what happened to you with the drunken clam I'm not doing what you tell me to do I'll do what he tells me to do I was in the military for 30 years back when that meant something I don't deal with gay people see him I respect hey Bonnie you want to fool around I bought one of those crippled guy robot suits from Avatar so now I can be on top no thanks Joe I heard about what happened at the clam and I'm not interested in having sex with a quarter of a man hey I'm half a man not anymore fine well I'm to go sleep on the couch you need something Joe yes Elon I'd like to sleep on the couch all right Joe come [Music] [Music] on Hey Chris your Mom's done with the laundry can you help her fold no but you know what you put on her bra I I don't want it well you're going to everybody heard about what happened over at the clam and how those guys made you there [ __ ] um okay that's right you wuss in fact the way I see it I'm the man of the house now which means there's going to be some big changes around here it's not very comfortable Chris my back kind of hurts I'm just staring up at the ceiling shut up I promised changes and I delivered we now return to Brian Cranston sneezes thank you um Rupert you know how we promis never to lie to each other well I lied earlier tonight it's not a burn from Dunkin Donut's coffee it's herpies you should get yourself tested hey Stewie how long have you been there long enough to know you have herpes and do weird stuff with your teddy bear he does weird stuff I I just don't stop him yeah well I just wanted to let you know you're not oh yeah how so good Lord you've got herpes too this house is like backstage at a wh snake concert not only that but I also got it from Brian we're Blood Brothers too you you are yep he knew he had herpes and he didn't say anything maybe he was mad I gave him fleas I don't know that bastard well we need to teach him a lesson he's a menace like that CED up giraffe at Studio 54 yep yep people are watching I'm that good are you done a summer why yes I am I just want to thank you for helping me reach a state of cocaine fueled 1970s Euphoria Robert Maple Thorp mind if I stick this fire extinguisher in you and take your picture I would love that um uh Meg can you um can you please pass the milk shut up Dad okay okay I'm sorry I'm sorry I'll shut up what she she's right Lois she's right I don't need milk I'll just moisten my cereal with spit good spit pea what the hell is going on please tell me this isn't still about how you pussed out in front of those guys at the clam oh God you're angry I'll clean the dishes Peta stop it are you crying no oh this is insane Peter I want want you to March down to the clam right now and get your booth back oh my God Lois you're right if they see me crying they'll have to give us our boo back no I'm saying you got to go down there and take it back like a man yeah I mean I mean yeah I am going to the clam and I'm getting my booth back and Meg you're gay no I'm not you're like guys right yeah yeah that's called being gay [Music] hey uh Hey Kevin you uh you smell like a rabbit buddy something just happened with a rabbit I'll go get my dad listen you guys I think we're all suffering from what happened down at the clam yeah I had to start taking pills so I'd stop thinking about it Quagmire that's a seis that's right I'm not thinking about it anymore I'm thinking about that couch well I think we gave up too easy we need to March back down to the clam and take back what Char he's right we need to sit up to those guys no way you want to get yourselves killed that's your business but I'm not going fine me and Joel will go without you but just know you're letting us down we're supposed to stick together like goatee guys at a barbecue do you mind if I stand next to you while we eat standing no problem hey let's go grab some good beer even though we brought the bad beer and these two barbecue scumbags formed a lifelong friendship until their deaths at the ripe old age of 52 in separate ATV accidents you know I'm so glad you finally agreed to go out with me Jenna me too I'm having a really nice time you seem like a great guy yes thank you we'll take the table in the corner next to the herpes dog oh hey Brian and who's your date wow you must be such a good person to knowingly go out with a herpes riddle dirt bag ew I'm sorry Brian I I've got to go damn it you guys her dad's really rich wow you weren't kidding yeah thanks for taking me bowling this is so much fun I thought it would be a good way to warm up my fingers all right get out of my way I'm going to bowl yes hey don't judge me you got chalky elbows use a washcloth you pig hey you bums if you bastards won our booth you got to go through us to get it smells like this guy's already wet himself don't flat of yourself that was from this morning oh man this is going to be fun yeah and there's only two of you losers where's your skinny friend right here Quagmire you came sure did Peter thanks for calling me skinny by the way I realized you were right if we don't stand up for ourselves now we'll regret it for the rest of our lives and this might be the stupidest thing I've ever done but oh now you're going to get it [Music] well I'm [Music] out hey that was my pool queue I brought it from home oh sorry it screws together and I even have this special little case for it I I I feel bad now hey that was my PA Tucket Patriot sign I brought it from home okay now I'm starting to doubt everything you [Music] said all right guys I know this looks desperate but I got this can of spinach oh God it's all watery you know I almost said no chairs at the beginning haven't you guys had enough why don't you just admit your beat and get out of here okay okay no never we will never stop fighting for this booth this booth is my home I was born in this booth I was married in this booth my children were all conceived in this booth hell I witnessed every significant historical event in my lifetime right here I was in this booth when the Challenger exploded oh my God no I was in this booth on 911 oh my God no I was in this booth when President Obama was elected oh my God no so if you want this booth you going to have to pry it from my cold dead hands why are we even bothering with these idiots we're shipping out to Afghanistan tomorrow you guys are soldiers it's our third tour of Duty if I could touch my own head I'd salute you with his head I salute you everyone I declare this to be these three guys day and not these three guys [Music] [Applause] day can't believe I have to root for Afghanistan [Music] now a damn it stee Chris yes Brian you hacked my Facebook account oh yes we actually just changed your Prof profile picture a damn it look look enough okay what the hell do you guys want from me I want to drive your Prius to the end of the block all by myself that's it yes okay [Music] yay that's uh that's way past the end of the block yeah his room's empty I don't think he's coming back huh what about you I want to go on a date with Nev Campbell so I can give her a nice Ladle of Stew what how am I supposed to even find her damn it Stewie why are you being so vindictive because Brian for the first time in my life I realized I couldn't trust you I couldn't trust my own best friend I'm sorry Stewie you're right I let you down I guess I guess I was just too embarrassed to admit I had herpes it was a rotten thing to do and I promise I will never lie to you again thanks Brian that's all I really wanted so do you forgive me yes I do so I'm going to have herpes for the rest of my life huh yeah but most of the time it won't even be an issue it only really flares up during periods of great stress like your wedding day or a big job interview so what would you say some of your weaknesses are that that that's probably one of [Music] Peter we got to talk I'm concerned about Stewie's preschool look what they're serving at snack time is is that it's dog milk they're serving dog milk to our children ah sweet Dil I don't want Stewie in that school anymore it seems like it's really gone downhill she's not wrong to worry there's a sign in the bathroom that says if it's brown let it mellow sometimes it crests the toilet lid Peter I think we should send Stewie to corridors I know it's a little pricey but it's the best preschool in the area really is it the one where they make him dress in the little shorts and hats like the guy in ACDC yeah why does he wear that outfit cuz he [Music] rocks when I picked this I didn't know I'd have to wear it when I'm 60 I'm very [Applause] cold you know what seems like a lie to me a forever stamp that says love on it oh you want to go ahead of me hey how are you you know what seems like a lie to me I can help the fourth person in line one two three yes Cleveland you work here yep finally Ed myself a job Hey What Can Brown do for you that's our competitor though I'm not supposed to say that it's grounds for dismissal if anyone ever got fired here but they don't well good for you oh can I get a return receipt for this it's Stewie's registration form for his new school little Papa Stu Stew's off to college no just preschool he's very young can you just charge me my weirdly uneven price so I can be done all right that's $216 $437 cents if you want to send it the priority oh no we got to start saving our pennies now that we're sending Stewie to a new school I'm actually doing some job hunting after this let's go up there you know Lois the post office is hiring really oh wow W that'd be great yeah I'd be happy to get you an interview and as a white woman you'd be a minority here unless you're an [Music] alcoholic wow this place is really fancy their Flat Stanley is actually award-winning actor Stanley Tucci sometimes I wear glasses and sometimes I don't hi I'm Chadley I've been kidnapped three times because I come from money oh yes I've heard about your family you've had two older brothers die of drugs that's right Stewie what would you say to a play dat at my house tomorrow that sounds delightful my word it feels so good to finally be where I belong like Jud hirs at the gigantic sweater store hi uh all five of us are Jud hirs do you have a sweater big enough to fit all of us okay everybody climb in ah I can't wait to spill soup on this okay Juds shamble away good having you aboard Lois let me show you around that guy right there lurry okay got it and what's this giant empty football stadium sized room oh the post office anticipates that within the next 5 years at least 200 million men in this country will be ordering and receiving Real Dolls every man will have seven to nine Real Dolls Asians blonde southern girls blonde Asians capable of Performing every possible sexual act or at least incapable of refusing you can put one in your car and drive in the car pool Lane with it and then maybe you push your head down thus defeating the purpose of the car poool Lane while fulfilling the purpose of the real doll maybe a trucker goes by you say hey Janine give him a show maybe later you ask yourself some tough questions like why is it so important to you to impress and excite truckers any who grab that letter opener I'm going to show you why you should never mail [Music] cash another good postal tip is if you wait to deliver your mail at night you can smell a lot of really nice dinners oh no it's that Amazon drone try to ignore it hey Cleveland what are you doing taking a walk no I'm delivering mail by foot yeah that won't take too long well got to go got to deliver these fat pants to your your fat son he was harsh but not untruthful we got a special order Cleveland Junior's pants from a company that manufactures grill covers thanks for coming over St Stewie oh thanks for having me quite a place you've got here your mother seemed nice yeah I've only met her a couple of times but yeah this is my bedroom is that car of Bentley and is that guy the driver ready for this evening's trip to snooze Town sir not yet sad story he used to drive the bed for Michael Jackson's monkey I've seen some terrible things this is extraordinary oh it's fine I suppose but you probably have even nicer things at your Mansion I'd love to come see it sometime oh um yes yes my Mansion yes you you should come see my Mansion but by all means I mean not not right this minute I I have the US men's wrestling team there I'm going to kill aest but then after that you should I can't wait come on let's go see if the maid brought her son so we can push him and he can't do anything God I like it here but what am I doing I don't have a fancy house I'm living a lie like FDR and so I say to you America we are going to win this war we're going to end this depression and there's no reason to suspect that I cannot walk God Bless America and cut the news reel's over thank you Mr President you're welcome gentlemen now if you'd kindly kick me into the closet with the mops ah must be a yellman shut up hello loyal male woman this is a letter to Hollywood saying keep it up movies are great Cleveland what should I do with this it just says Hollywood USA and this isn't a stamp it's the little sticker from an Apple oh I can't never get those off I just eat them anyway just put it in here what's that it's the dead letter bin it's all the stale mail what never got delivered for one reason or the other incomplete addresses house at the top of a hill anyone who uses one of those French sevens with a slash in it well this is horrible I'm going to organize these there might be some we could resend that's above and beyond Lois you know you do the uniform proud like I like to think I oh chil dog got me look at all these this is a mess here's two that are stuck together what the hell this is from [Music] Peter who the hell is gret and Mara and this is postmarked a week before our wedding oh there was a time when the president of the Jonathan t Thomas fan club got a lot of [Music] mail I don't know what to do Bonnie why would Peter write a letter to another woman just before our wedding why don't you just open it and read it what that's a federal offense I can't do that don't you realize as a postal employee I'm 6,000 and4th in line for the presidency well then why don't you just deliver the letter and see for yourself who this Gret Mercer is Bonnie that's a great idea although it could be a little awkward you could always just ask Peter about it no he won't talk about anything serious unless there's a crackling fire to punctuate uncomfortable family Revelations I didn't fall off the roof I jumped I never found you attractive and what's more I never respected you I know about Maurice witch [Music] Maurice oh Brian I need your help Chadley wants to have a play date here at my house well that's great no it's not I can't let him see this dump come on Stewie Chadley should like you for who you are besides this place isn't so bad Brian chadley's parents each have their own bathroom I've seen the fat man pee through Lois's legs while she's sitting on the toilet what I've got to do is find a spectacular house that I can pretend his mine to impress Chadley well won't you just use Babs and Carters I can't they're having an Eyes Wide Shut party all weekend I can't find my wiener with this mask all right time out let's let's all just find our wieners and then put the masks back on okay 940 this is the house hi are you Gretchen merer yes may I help you oh yeah we found an old letter addressed to you Peter Griffin wow this is from an old boyfriend what wow well um here here's the Nutty thing believe it or not I'm actually married to Peter Griffin right now huh that is quite a coincidence I wonder why he was writing me I see you move your finger along as you read that's what little kids do oh it was nothing he was just writing to say that he was excited about getting married and that he finally had enough camel cash to get a leather jacket in a pool floaty H well thank you Gretchen I am very relieved I was thinking the worst oh I understand but you have nothing to worry about you're right I guess jealousy is my weak spot everyone has one even Achilles so you can only be injured on your Achilles tendon that's right my mother dipped me into the river sticks and she held me by my heels so that's the only part that can be injured how about you testticles it's the same it's it's it's similar so what do you think of the house Brian as far as Chadley knows this is where I live Stewie who owns this place just some rich idiot I saw bragging about his vacation on Instagram he posted a picture of his feet in sand you're a guy don't do that what a dick hey I'll swallow his dental floss you pull it out of me and put it back on the roll good call ah that must be chadly hi Stewie I love your house where are your servants oh probably cooking bananas and doing the Cha chaa you know this is a great house for a party you can invite the whole class I say that's a brilliant idea what the hell are you doing relax these people are gone for a few more days I'll invite everyone over and impress the whole class in one shot that'll cover my play dates for a year you really think that'll work absolutely and when it does I'll be as popular as the first kid in school to get his drug license hey heard you got your license maybe after school you could take me to get some groceries yeah or maybe you and me hop in that car of yours and do some grocery shopping looks like you have a roomy back seat I'd love to fill that with groceries after school hey it's Stewie all I know about cars is what my mom [Music] does Gretchen wow you look great yeah I didn't have kids oh yeah of course but what the hell are you doing here I haven't seen you in 20 years Peter I finally got your letter you know the one where you said that you were having doubts about marrying Lois and you still had thoughts about marrying me Gretchen I wrote that a long time ago well my answer is yes Peter yes I will marry you Gretchen I am already happily moderately hap relative I am I am married oh then I suppose your wife isn't to know that you were still in love with me just days before your wedding blackmail thank you Cleveland and I don't know what to call the thing you're doing to me lady look Gretchen I I know I wrote you that letter and and and I meant it at the time but it was 20 years ago I may have had some doubts before my wedding but what guy doesn't and now I know I made the right choice marry and Lois well she's a lucky woman and I'm sorry for what I said I certainly don't want to cause any trouble for you it's just that when I got this letter it reminded me how sweet and funny you always were that's nice but I should go thanks for not making fun of me for ordering a hot chocolate and go ahead and look into Facebook cuz this is kind of what it's for wait before we say our final goodbye what do you say we have one last Harrah I've got two tickets to a Raya Montaine concert tonight oh I I I'm not sure sure that's a good idea it feels a little weird going out with another lady oh come on Peter I drove all this way let me go home with one last good memory and then I promise you have heard the last of Gretchen Mercer well I should probably say no but I've never been known for my good judgment I mean that's how I got into trouble with the Peter catcher oh Peter come and get your lollipops lollipops come along Peter Peter you mustn't I've got cream pies Trinkle Tarts Trinkle [Music] Tarts I'm going to get so molested oh Peter you can take off your hat and jacket it's not illegal for two old friends to go to a concert yeah I guess you're right I mean it's not like any body I know would be at a ray lontine concert Peter where'd he go I'm going to keep the Hat on I'm sorry Gretchen this this was a mistake I just feel too guilty being out with another woman I can't do this to Lois ah I understand well I guess there's no shame in coming in second huh that's right except in like Wars aw you are still funny sweet Peter yeah I guess so all right I got to go the beard inspector's coming anyway uh uh sir where's your beard I'm leaving I'm on my way out that's my peter that's my [Music] peter wow looks like you're actually going to get away with us Stewie and you threw a good party yeah it's getting pretty wild over in the guest bedroom there's a girl pulling a train this will show my dad by the way how'd you pay for all this I dated Donald Sterling for 2 weeks he's a good man you don't know him like I know him people people as your Rich host I would like to say a word if I may I cannot tell you how pleased I am to have finally found a group of peers with whom I share so many common interests and here come the people who live here please let me explain I was just worried you wouldn't accept me because I'm not wealthy like you are Stewie it's not that you're poor it's that you lied to us and you're [Music] poor I'm sorry you lost your rich friends Stewie well that's all right I don't need money I already have everything I need excuse me is one of you Chadley you left your wallet inside chaa well that chicka cha makes me think you're not Chadley oh no I chicka cha too early hey Lois you mind if I cut out of here not at all thanks not to be too intimate but I need to have a bowel movement and I can't go here I can only go at home or at the cuckaroo hello is someone there I thought I heard something over the Roar of my ttis I'm sure it's nothing [Music] oh a text I'm taking care of our problem we'll be together soon love Gretchen huh Meg you're kind of a lonus psychopath what does this mean oh this woman is clearly a sped lover who's planning to kill mom ah thank you yeah you're a good dog Meg yeah [Music] well well well if it isn't the first Mrs Griffin crin what are you doing here making sure Peter can finally be with me which is what he's always wanted Gretchen it's 3:15 on a work day the post office is closed Lois Gretchen wants to kill you and I have a slip that says we've got a package Peter I'm glad you're here to see this you and I can finally be together pet what's going on she's nuts is what's going on I don't want to be with her oh yeah that's not what you wrote that's right I lied about what was in that letter Lois Lois before you read that you need to know one thing I'm the one throwing out all your beige bras guys don't like beige bras you told an ex-girlfriend a week before our wedding you were having doubts Lois Lois listen to me yes it is true just before we got married I was having some doubts I mean your family hated me I didn't think I was good enough for you we were kids I was scared weren't you no I was in love which is what I thought you were too I was in love Lois and I still am not a day goes by where I don't thank my lucky stars for picking you it was the best choice I ever made now put that gun down Gretchen you don't have to do this that's right you don't because you can have him what I'll never forgive you for this Peter we're through oh Peter I can't wait for you to meet the dogs and the squirrels hey gring get away from my husband wait so you're not mad no Peter I was lying so she'd let it guard down but what about the letter Peter do you remember me crying at our wedding sure it's in all our pictures that's doubt but there's no doubt anymore you're the only man for me Peter Griffin I love you Lois oh Peter now come on let's get it on through a PO Box Peter this isn't working well I'm at full go are you sure you're in the right box yes box 528 yes 528 all right just reach in and grab [Music] it wow Mom I can't believe you got fired from the post office well they didn't like me beating up Gretchen on federal property and then after your father plugged up that po. box there was a mutual parting of the ways well Stewie I guess since Lois lost her job you're not going to be able to go to that fancy preschool anymore yeah I don't need school I'll be fine I'll just become a YouTube Star like Jenna Marbles who's that no one knows but she's rich as rich as Ray William Johnson who's that nobody knows but he's rich as rich as Bethany motor or Marcus Butler or ingred Nelson this this is over [Music] is Netflix streaming the right choice for you well if you like movies in HD then Frozen pixels then HD again the answer is yes and if you love The Golden year of movies 2003 then we might have some of what you're looking for Netflix streaming buffer for 20 minutes then watch 35 minutes of a movie with Jason Stam ah look what came the free DVD from my PBS pledge whatever it is we're not watching it Peta trust me you of all people could really learn something from this it's a documentary about the food industry called food kills huh says here that colon Health Magazine gave it two thumbs [Music] in hi I'm Matt Low's cousin Steven McCormick our moms are sisters America is gorging itself on processed food creating an obes City epidemic we've abandoned natural foods for chemicals additives and refined sugars at this rate this is what the future will look like those are flying cars but the people in them are too fat oh no I left my baby in there without drastic changes in our diet Americans are headed for a health catastrophe for more go to our website at BBS the word. again the word.com there was a miscommunication when we registered our website well that's it from now on we're eating healthy around here we're going to feel better and we're going to look better well looking better do always solve your problems Lois sure didn't work for Droopy Dog when he got that facelift contrary to my appearance I'm still not happy please study my brain so that others don't suffer as I have [Music] thanks for coming to my birthday party you guys and Esther I'm so sorry you ripped your parum doing the Hokey pokei that's okay I got free curly fries okay let's see what Meg got me a Crockpot things about to get crazy you can cook a pork tenderloin under your bed excuse me girls we're about to start roller derby in a minute wait wait you what's your name me May Griffin Would you mind standing up whoa what what are you doing my God the magic ratio what's that it means your ankles calves and thighs are all the same thickness how would you like to try out for the roller derby team really do it Meg yeah Meg you should totally do it Meg's talking to a boy okay sure what the heck here take my card I am a registered sex offender flip it over important see other side give me that I'm the roller derby coach see a tryouts I can't believe it you guys this is the biggest surprise since the last M Night Shyamalan movie two tickets for the M Night Shyamalan movie wow [Music] really hope you guys are ready for a healthy dinner I went to Whole Foods today and got this recipe from an extremely thin man with a giant Adams Apple I hate that place none of the cereals are advertised on TV what's this stuff that looks like sand it's quinoa nope I don't e foods that sound like karate words well according to food kills quinoa is a superfood it's very nutritious and it even helps keep you regular mois I have a system I poop once a week for an hour and a half I wear a headband and it's soaked when I'm all done wow Lois you know this is actually pretty good Peter you should try it fine P knock it off I can't help it my body's rejecting it quinoa mm sorry sir we're F come on in gummy bears oh you were looking fine tonight [Music] thanks again for coming and supporting me Chris no problem and I'm going to take some pictures of the other athletes if you don't mind you might not know this about me but I am a bit of a shutter bug okay that's that's all okay all right ladies line up how about we start with some warm-ups bend down and touch your toes memory card full come on okay now last year we were tricked by a couch on a dolly with wheels so if any of you is a couch on a dolly with wheels I'm going to ask you to please leave now well we need five for a team and there's five of you here so congratulations wow this is awesome I can't believe I'm a c-hawk thug when do we start Skating here look at the schedule this is just a list of sexaholic Anonymous meetings flip it over it says remember to attend your meetings I'm going to stop handing you stuff [Music] it's the middle of the night where are you going I'm sick of all this healthy crap I'm going downstairs to find something good to eat and then I'm going to fall asleep watching transvaginal mesh lawsuit commercials there's nothing thank you son what's going on man are you pregnant now my wife watched that food documentary and you should never ask that unless you're sure by the way oh yeah peanut butter cup Dorito sausage car Panini and let's crack a Cadbury egg over the whole thing just going to use my spare glove compartment underwear as a napkin I can't believe Randy Quaid gets to eat like this every day Peter is that you Cleveland are you cooking in your car I am is this because of food kills oh you saw that movie too huh we watched Tyler P's food kills which is the same movie except it stars black folks you've never heard of and white folks you don't hear from anymore but yeah now Donna is forcing me to eat healthy I always get confused is Donna the wife or is Roberta the wife I don't know man can I have some of that sandwich oh our hands just touched H wow Peter that's good that's real good I'm not sure what we're doing now excuse me whatever you've gotten there smells incredible man my wife won't let me eat any of that stuff tell you what I'll give you 10 bucks for that thing yeah me too wow huh if I sell two sandwiches for $10 each that equals money Peter you just made $20 from two sandwiches well you're right hey maybe I could turn this into a business you know selling sandwiches from a car wonder how much I could make whoops I stopped thinking about math and started thinking about baby Man Billy Corgan being sad at Disneyland Peter what the hell is this this Lois is my new food truck specializing in all the delicious unhealthy foods that you won't let me eat cuz you don't let me eat what I want to eat and and uh I am super dizzy and there might be a gas leak in this [Music] thing I can't believe you'd buy a food truck what are you even selling first of all believe it baby second uh mostly hamburgers where the Buns as jelly donuts and drinks where hot dogs is the straws M another milkshake please look I'm happy for the business but drinking that on your knees is it's putting a hat on a hat look at this food it's gross and unhealthy it's exactly the stuff I'm trying to get you not to eat yeah but people like this food it makes them happy I mean you can eat sprouts and vegan crap entire life and still get devoured by Gremlins and and and none of it matters so you're saying you shouldn't take care of yourself because you might get devoured by Gremlins get a clue Mama think of what you're doing to your body Peter oh there we go you think I'm overweight I know you're overweight hey yeah I'll have the Swedish Fish Tacos you want the can of chili dumped on top or on the side what does the chef recommend me I like to squeeze the can so hard the chili flies into my mouth like popey do it up you get got it let me put on my bandana fire up my very loud what generator and get cooking this isn't over [Music] what ladies and gentlemen welcome to the first bout of the season the Cog thugs versus the Medford dump cakes this season we're brought to you by Fair's note cards when you need to remind yourself of the sponsor use Barry's note cards nice move Griffin way to go mate wow newcomer me Griffin is lighting up the track with some amazing moves amazing damn right amazing Make Some Noise if you're mixing prescription drugs with alcohol wow this is a lot more physical than I thought my favorite part of a woman's body is hunches and this is all hun [Music] baby he boy that was rough this Sport's even more dangerous than ski shooting p I got in the wrong line that'll be $16 $16 that's expensive yes sir everything's very expensive because you're paying for it on an iPad now if you'll just select a gratuity options are 60% 90% And 200% uh I guess 60% okay great and just sign by dragging your bare finger across this thing I use to masturbate uh okay thank you please make sure to bang your head on that low hanging thing what are you oh you spilled something you want a napkin yes please all right here's 40 blown by the wind hey you hungry uh yeah a little what can I get you I don't know uh a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake coming up do you want me to pull over NOP I got this how do you want your burger medium rare good choice there we go what' you order cheeseburger ah right right you had the soup right no cheeseburger that's right right right you had a carb salad right what are you doing back there this is also a meth lab [Music] oh Chris I'm glad you're here swing that lamp at me but you'll get hurt no I won't I'm going to dodge it oh my God are you okay yeah I'm fine srer Derby's really toughen me up I got to say i' I've never felt better really cuz I watched how rough it was out there the other day and I got a little worried for you I mean all it would take is one bad hit to do permanent damage I think you should quit what no no I I love roller derby it's the first thing I'm really good at plus I love making other women bleed but you know in ways besides the way you know they normally bleed she means periods yeah I got it Stewie but I'm telling you Meg something bad is going to happen like when you give a young athlete too much money I got to murder somebody [Music] Peta kids [Music] dinner kids Peta it's time for a healthy veggie dinner come on I spent the whole day making the house smell like farts where the hell is everybody all right I got a bowl of cereal that's M&M's and Dr Pepper over here Chris put that down you kids get in the house and eat the healthy dinner I prepared and Peter you too shut down that truck can get inside Lois I already told you I don't want to eat your garbage food all right now can you go inside and get me some pop rocks I'm making a paa you know what enough of this nonsense you love this truck so much stay in it cuz I don't want you or your food in the house fine I love this truck I got everything I need in here maybe I'll just live here I can imagine it [Music] now whoops I stopped thinking about the truck and started thinking about am on woman Bri Neel drunk in a Burbank [Music] [Music] Park all right time to greet the day are you living in a truck not bad I see you got a Hooters calendar in here how do you get anything done with those rocking knockers staring at you hey who says I get anything done Guy Talk guy talk yeah Guy Talk how guys talk oh Peter this is awful well I love it and I'm not going back in that house and listen to Lois tell me how fat and unhealthy I am you do look like you put on a few your elbows are starting to pucker yeah I mean are you really happy in here you bet I am I'm happier than a squash on Halloween dad are they coming to take us away too no son we're fine how about on Thanksgiving you know what just enjoy the [Music] [Applause] month you're going down gin like my stepfather's pants I guess I see where some of your anger comes from oh no this is bad that's it I have to do something Chris what are you doing saving my oh my God Chris are you okay I don't think so I'm hurt pretty bad like that time I was running with Scissors you'll run like a girl run like a man you get a [Music] shoot here you go and if you'd like to put your email on our signup list I'd be happy to sell it to Russian hackers Peter Peter it's happening what the Bing Maps car it's three blocks down and it's coming this way holy crap this is the day we've been waiting for we said we're going to stand in our front yards and wave as it goes by so we're on the street view we're going to be on the internet P just called it went by his house everybody places start waving this is not a drill damn it I can't fit through the door I'm stuck in a truck what what are you talking about I knew this would happen you're too fat to get out I see it I see the Bing car oh my God bing bing over here Bing they can't see you Peter you're facing away from the street stop talking Quagmire just smile this is amazing crap is it gone the driver nodded at me I I think I'm going to cry damn it I can't believe I missed it jeez I hope I don't end up stuck in here like wining to poo a rabbit perhaps you should push with your shoulder and not your fist don't worry about [Music] it hey to that big booma boomba nurse coming here uh no but Dr Hartman is my brother going to be okay that's her that's her hiita hello doctor was that weird was I just weird kind of you don't know I was fine oh Chris I'm so sorry you got hurt like this roller derby was the best thing that ever happened to me I finally felt like I was good at something I made friends but seeing you like this I realized you were right it's too dangerous so I'm going to quit no Meg I got hurt because I didn't belong out there but you do I watched youate you found your calling and I believe in you now get back to that rink and help your team win the championship it deserves really I will thanks Chris with a spirit in her heart renewed Meg returned to the roller derby Arena I think she did all right but no one will know for sure because halfway through everyone stopped to watch some fat kid who was killing it on Dance Dance Revolution dance you fat [Music] [ __ ] so tonight we say to the yellow build Marsh Finch you're extinct but right now we're getting word of breaking news we go live to Trisha Takanawa with details Trisha Tom I'm standing here outside a SPO Street home where a local business owner owner has apparently eaten himself into his own food truck oh it appears they've finally removed the roof nobody look this is a private gross matter Mr Griffin is this performance art or uh some sort of political statement well I'm kind of ticked about condoms in porn but this is unrelated oh hey Lois I guess you must be happy yeah it's every girl's dream to have a husband hoisted out of a food truck in a horse haunt no look I'm just saying you were right I'm a big tubble L and you have every reason to be ashamed of me ashamed of you is that really what you think well yeah you kept saying how overweight I am Peta don't you get it I only wanted you to eat healthy because I love you and I'm concerned about your health I want you around for as long as I'm around really well I love you too Lois I'm sorry I was such a jerk I guess I could do without eating so much junk but I could never do without you well Peter ma'am please step back we have to wash him with a hose guys look look the Bing car is back no I'm not ready I'm not ready inspired by his love for Lois Peter had steamed vegetables and brown rice that evening then ate like crap for the rest of his life nonetheless he was immortalized on Bing Maps fat people are amusing to me hang there you fat [Music] [ __ ] all right time for 8:15 drop off now mommy's on a quick break till 3:30 toughest job in the world oh look Kylie's mom is out of rehab good good morning little guy hey Janet good to see you Hey listen thank you so much for your apology email an individual one would have been nice but one to the whole class was fine too have a good day Stewie oh my God please be a dog please be a [Music] dog oh my God it's a kid it's Doug nice hit [ __ ] oh and Elsa underwear this day just keeps getting [Music] better well thank you all for coming can I get anyone something to drink I'm fine but Doug's mother would probably like three martinis and then to have unprotected sex with her boss at work and Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water and to never make more than $30,000 a year for the rest of his life and here we go okay well I am just so sorry about what happened with Doug I just didn't see the little guy well maybe you ought to get your eyes examined I appreciate that it was an accident Mrs Griffin but nonetheless we've retained a lawyer well there must be some way short of a lawsuit we can make this up to you well this is my weekend with Doug but I've got tickets to see Lana Del re with our former Nanny Jessica she's 24 so as a form of settlement maybe this weekend you can put together a treehouse I don't want to deal with fine if that's what I have to do to make this right then Peter and my children will build your son's Treehouse deal all right I guess now the four men awkwardly sit here while my mom gives your mom a tour of a house that doesn't deserve one and this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in ooh what a fun house okay Mrs Griffin tell me what you see um I see a cow in a lab coat some vultures in a cowboy hat and a dog trying to trick a cat into a clothes dryer just as I thought you're farsighted oh no what what do I do about it oh well I'm no doctor but I would say you either need to get glasses or maybe lasic is that the surgery people get and then tell everybody they got it yes it's the veganism of elective surgery if you're unsure of what to do here's a video of radio head frontman and super weirdo Tom York to help you decide hello I'm Tom York you might know me from radio head on my passing resemblance to a melting tilder Swinton not many people know that I'm blind in one eye can you guess which one this is awful oh wait just give it a few minutes all his stuff starts kind of slow fine I'll get the lasic great make an appointment with my nurse now here's a lollipop from the Sackler family that says [Music] s in the future we won't even need our eyes computers will see for us oh now you're a doctor I guess I'm a singer now I'm Casey kasm that was Elmer Hartman peing at number 32 with I hate computers parenthesis tral la [Music] la Mrs Griffin the surgery was a success and by that I mean the hospital agreed to take your Discover Card plus we'll get 1% of that back which is basically like getting nothing [Music] H oh my God I I'm blind what do you mean you're blind you can't see me right now no but you can still see like the stove and laundry right but Mom we got you a balloon she doesn't know about the balloon don't worry Lois we'll be right by your side the whole time and not outside playing with a balloon I love you balloon oh no no I'm coming balloon don't tell your mother about [Music] this don't worry Lois I went blind a while back it was cool there's some of the last people you can still make fun of Dad it's fine they won't see this Dr Hartman you said there was very little risk to lasic but now I am blind how did this happen okay look this isn't my fault it was take your cat to work day Dr Hartman what does this mean you know for me well whatever your wife did for you you'll now have to do for yourselves and until she gets used to her new life you'll need to take care of her feed her bathe her drive her places back gone aren't they they lefted yes [Music] there they are I thought we said 10 sharp but we must have said 1018 no one's fault but going forward let's make sure we respect each other's time H you must be Chris I must you know we have a friend in common Mr Herbert how do you know Mr Herbert we're friends uh sometimes he comes to my art shows and we get ice cream after let me guess he takes you to the park where the swings go really high he does uhhuh that'll stop and ice cream don't get used to it I've seen a thousand of you I've outlasted them I'll Outlast you okay uh my dad left a note for you Mr Griffin Griffins build this treehouse for my son he will love it for a year until my housekeeper moves into it even though it doesn't have electricity or running water she walked here from Guatemala she'll be fine let's get started boys oh man this is going to be more work than when I built that habitat for Sean Hannity as you can see we've made everything white like you requested here's a room to recover from your sodium headaches and on the walls I painted some of your most famous quotes there's the one where you compared the home sexual lifestyle to play in in a sewer and there's the one where you defended Roy Moore nice uhhuh and here's a room where you can blame things on an immigrant hey nothing personal I just pedal hate for [Music] money we now return to Blind flick the streaming service for blind people I can't believe it's the year 2034 or Earth is uninhabitable and we're hurdling through space to find a place for Humanity to start again thankfully we are Chris Evans and Vanessa hudgin and have sexy bodies that will make beautiful racially nuanced babies I love you Chris Evans I love you too Vanessa hudgin kiss [Music] me ah the show is so sexy how you doing Mom do you need to go poopies mag please stop asking me that I'm sorry I just I hate being so dependent on other people I feel helpless and worthless I get it I feel helpless and worthless 24 sevs how do you deal with it cutting minor arson and sometimes I post empowerment videos on YouTube empowerment videos you I thought YouTube went out of business what am I thinking of Circuit City yes here the camera's on just getting your feelings out will make you feel better oh okay um hello uh my name is Lois Griffin and I am blind uh I went to the hospital for a simple surgery and woke up in the ICU But the irony was I couldn't see you I couldn't see anyone or anything even the people closest to me who need to be seen the most so now I suppose if I want to see again I'll have to listen more and and feel more and focus on what's on the inside and not what I can see on the outside okay that's all for now Mom that was incredible you really spoke to me who who's that is that Lois Peter I'm the one who's blind sorry I'm still getting used to things [Music] can't believe Doug's dad texted me and said we had to come to Doug's Teall game or he was going to Su us looks like they got Big League Chew yeah I saw that I saw they they got Big League Chew ah the baseball field good memories lost my vCard here with Jennifer Jason Lee and that Dugout right over there that was fast times yeah fast for her maybe I took a while excuse me what happened to your big trip to Providence good morning sports fans you ready to witness the epitome of Excellence check this out ball one look spaz hold the bat like this and then step into it as you swing forward I did it thanks Mr Griffin I'm leaving come on Chris don't be mad my plans changed oh hey DG are you kidding me Mom you won't believe what happened your video went viral oh does that mean circuit City's back no it means your ICU video really connected with people you're helping people who feel unseen mom like me you're everywhere okay so what am I supposed to do now make another video hi Lois I didn't get a monkey off the sea Banana Rama bye well it's not what I thought it was going to be either Mom I made some ICU t-shirts what's going on who are these people my team I seeu has exploded there's I seeu fashion I seeu skin care I see you health it is a gold mine wait but what does any of this have to do with seeing people for who they really are who cares about that I do I see you was an idea I could really believe in and you're ruining it I'm not ruining it I'm expanding it you know I'm the one who went blind Meg I'm the one who's suffering now the least I can do is make some money from it now stand back it's time to make another video hello seers Lois here you know some sometimes the darkness gets overwhelming and that's when I turn to I see you essential oils it calms you before sleep or you can cook chicken in [Music] it oh my God I can see oh God but if anybody finds out it'll ruin my ICU brand Peter told me he'd been doing laundry and now I'm even wondering if he lost those 75 lbs like he said what's that Lois I'm just on the spin bike got a good sweat going Bo you're right Sarah loves those Hills okay here's the microphone yeah I see it I mean oh thank you is that Meg Mom what's going on with you nothing especially my eyesight I am still very very blind thank you all for coming today I can't see you because I'm blind but I see you please be sure to try out our new colonic partnership with increasingly irrelevant rapper Eminem The &a it promises to clear out eight miles of mom's spaghetti it goes in slim clear and comes out Slim Shady thank you I'm [Applause] [Music] blind that was incredible Lois you're a real inspiration my name is Wanda kep my maiden name and I work for Helen ah Helen disingenuous the Beloved daytime talk show host who gives Millions away to those in need and is still somehow loathed well loathed is a little bit exactly right but yes I'm here Lois because Helen has been following your success and would love to make it her own would you consider being a guest on our show oh my gosh really that's amazing so so I get to go to Hollywood we actually taped the show in Burbank oh what's the difference that's hilarious I'll have someone who makes a lot less money than me set everything up Meg can you believe it this is going to take I seeu Global I'll be more popular than a Robert Redford [Music] clip hey guys my dad made you another list teach Doug to ride a bike bake cookies listen to his Archer impression this is ridiculous we're not doing any of this I don't know I kind of want to hear his Archer impression yeah I'm curious I'm an international spy but I also do mundane things okay all right that's that's pretty good but that's it no more then I guess my dad will just have to sue you you know what go ahead and sue us I mean look at this guy what do you think you're going to get we came here in his dog's car but we had a deal well the deal's off I'll call your dad myself no don't what the it was you making us do all that stuff you made fools of us Doug get [Music] him get him I'm not dead I'm Pete the pirate God I already told you why did you do it why did you make us do all that stuff for this I did it for this what what do you mean I don't have a dog or a brother or even a father really but these past few days I felt like like I've had all that I'm sorry but I didn't know any other way to get you to spend time with me Doug there you are thank [Music] God hey I got your message about the miscarriage so Saturday night what a dick you know what I'm going to go poop in his shoes you do that for me sure I will buddy hang on Brian I got One in the Chamber I'll join you thanks guys I guess that just leaves us look I think you're a total garbage person same and being nice to you goes against everything I stand for same okay don't be the person who just says same like it's a real response you know what let's just hate each other in public and maybe not hate each other as much in private like George and kellyanne Conway what is up with those two a this is really going to put ICU over the top Meg I am going to be rich now which one is better the blue or the green wa how do you know what colors they are Mom you can see I knew it okay fine yes I can see I can't believe you've been lying why don't you get it I have to be blind to keep the money rolling in nobody's going to be inspired by a middle-aged cisgendered able-bodied white woman woman or a man now you keep your mouth shut or I will knock knock Helen is that you oh I'm so blind I just wanted to say hello welcome you to the show have you been to Burbank before never oh well while you're waiting check out this video I made for the Burbank tourism Association welcome to beautiful Burbank California home of more yearr round Halloween stores than any other city in the world do you like Jack in the Box then you're in luck we've got six of them if you've ever wanted to visit a place where you can hear the freeway from literally every spot in town then Burbank is for you want to do drugs in an empty swimming pool with a couch in it want to see what you imagine an affluent neighborhood in Honduras looks like you can do all of that and so much more in Burbank [Music] we're here with Lois Griffin founder of ICU and an inspiration to millions of easily persuadable women so Lois I understand in addition to everything else you've started the ICU Foundation that's right Helen you know you haven't really made it until you're able to convince rich people to give you money for a nebulous and undefined important cause and what will your foundation focus on women's issues and the environment refugees well we support you so we've got a surprise for [Applause] [Music] you oh my God re with spoon I love her Lois how did you know it was Reese Witherspoon if you can't see ah um that's that's just um what I say when I'm excited race wether phone Lois are you actually blind yes I [Music] mean now I was blind when I started ICU but I got my sight back a few days ago I just wanted to make a difference and you know maybe get money from sympathetic strangers I'm sorry hey y'all can I put this big old check down my arms ain't but small sticks oh shut up Reese Witherspoon you big phony there's no way you've read all those books you slap your sticker on well Lois you've disappointed a lot of people here today and since this is daytime TV you'll have to stand trial on a black judge [Music] show Lois Griffin I'll find you guilty and I'll sentence you to pay your roommate back for his dog food whatever dumb this one's [Music] about well Lois I'm glad you're not blind anymore oh me too I just wish I'd handle it better hey at least you got to go to Hollywood Burbank what's the difference a boy I'll show you want to get your car washed by a former Nickelodeon star want to take an improv class from an instructor you have to drive home after you can in Burbank buy a house with a second floor no one got permits for and then watch the 98° winter nights tick by through Rusty bars on your windows share a duplex with that guy from that thing pay La prices for Orlando amenities in [Music] Burbank there's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train there's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train and it's wiggle in his nose and his little bunny toes there's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train okay what else we got on on that train a kitty cat a doggy Kevin Smith cuz he's too fat to ride a plane okay I heard kitty cat oh there's the kitty cat riding on a train God you know I I don't know why this guy's wife isn't here watching this stuff if I were her I'd be here every show kitty riding on the train thanks everybody see you next week yay he's a good singer yeah I've been catching his Library shows since there are only like three or four kids here you should have been here man those were the shows a looks like somebody made a friend I know aren't they cute together adorable I'm Lois hi I'm hope any relation to Bob Hope I'm kidding I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor oh don't worry I watch Regis and Kelly I can handle it so you know this is my husband Ben hi glad to know you gosh you know our little Scotty seems to be having such a good time with your son would you be interested in getting them together for a play dat oh that sounds like a wonderful idea here look at them they're getting along like Billy Bob Thon and his cat Billy Bob leave me alone I'm taking a bath Stewie you want to be the Autobots or the Decepticons what's with all these labels man Autobots Decepticons gay straight just pick a few robots and let's party hey what's going on in here oh hello Brian we're playing Transformers oh cool who's this little guy it's my new friend Scotty do you mind we're busy oh hi doggy you want to play with us Scotty Scotty it's fine it's fine you don't have to he doesn't know Transformers yeah actually I I'd love to play who should I be should I be one of these guys I'll be this guy who's this guy huh what's this guy's story that's Optimus Prime you can't be him Scotty's Optimus Prime oh all right well I'll be I'll be this guy how about this guy what was that did you just growl what robot growls that star scream he's a Decepticon I'm the decepticons look why don't you just beat it all right all right relax I'll I'll just I'll I'll be this guy guy over here that's He-Man we're playing Transformers well maybe this is the one where He-Man visits Brian how is He-Man supposed to get to Cybertron hey Up Up and Away right He-Man doesn't fly look why you being such a dick about this I'm just trying to join in yeah you don't know what you're talking about okay I think I'm doing pretty no you don't you don't know the characters Brian you don't know the characters if you could hear yourself right now you would not stop throwing up you can't just put He-Man in Transformers World all right he wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia and IIA is in an entirely different dimension he can just take his rocket ship get get out of here we now return to the post Row versus Wade Brady Bunch Greg Marsha get down here a you two are such a handful oh I'm getting some steam picking up steam here Scotty you better look out I don't feel so well uh kind of bad timing but Jin hey Lois that not Stewie kid fell over oh my God he's un conscious Peter what happened yeah you know me Lois I don't pry Peter he's not moving we got to get him to the hospital you got it Lois to the Peter rang [Music] just for the record I was at the hospital for a brief moment Mrs Griffin it's a good thing you brought this child in why is he okay I'm afraid he's very sick in fact his lab work shows he's suffering from Hodgkins lymphoma oh my God are you saying Scotty has cancer I don't know I didn't read the whole Wikipedia entry but the good news is that what he has is highly treatable with radiation first and if necessary chemotherapy oh for God's sake look do you have any idea how expensive medical school is no I don't well it's probably pretty expensive Lois We Came as soon as we got your call oh hope Ben I'm so sorry to have to tell you this but Scotty has cancer we know you do yes we're aware of his condition but you shouldn't have brought him to the hospital without talking to us first why wouldn't we bring him he was unconscious he he clearly needed treatment oh no he doesn't receive treatment what we're Christian Scientists we don't accept medical care for ourselves and we don't permit it for our children but your son has cancer wait a minute Christian Science is that is that that thing all them gbo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff away from other guys butts don't you understand Scotty needs help and he'll get it through faith that's right we will heal him with the power of Prayer you you can't just let them walk out of here oh I think they'll be back are those their keys no they're my [Music] keys and they said because of their faith they don't believe in medicine mom I think there's a lot of religions that do that well that may be make but that poor little baby has cancer and they're just going to take him home and pray over him well that's what they do they believe that disease is Just an Illusion and the only way to fight it is to make your faith stronger Illusions you want to talk about Illusions if you die tomorrow you think we're going to be devastated but you know what we're just going to go out and buy another dog and maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions Chris I think you've had too much sugar cereal I think I haven't had enough Peter I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty I'm going with you Lois yeah I'll go too all right but try to keep your mouth shut okay you have a habit of saying the wrong thing during his 22-year Reign this French monarch known as the spider king had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold Duke of burgundy Peter who was King Louis the 12 oh I'm sorry Peter we were looking for King Louis the 11th ah damn it I knew that ah well me and the with a big black King Louie the 11th Tim select [Music] oh Lois Peter come on in we were just praying for Scotty's recovery if you'd like you can join us well that's what we wanted to talk to you about you better not just have church toys look I don't mean to question your religious beliefs but as a mother I just can't bear the thought of little Scotty not getting the help he needs you really needn't worry Lois Scotty will get all the help he needs from where from here science and health with key to the script pictur es by Mary Baker Eddie let me see that this is your god a woman well she's the founder of our faith oh really so with this book from the 1800s you can prey away paralysis or terminal illness yes we would pray for anyone who's Afflicted well and I'll tell you who you should really be praying for out of work clowns I need 40 Ben hope please I just want to do anything I can to help you son well you can Lois stay and pray with us I think you'll find that with God's love and a true belief all manner of Miracles are possible look I'm a church goer too but sometimes prayer isn't enough he needs Professional Medical Care you know Lois this couch would be perfect for one of your red wine pass outs look we appreciate your concern Lois but Scotty is our son and we have to tend to him as we see fit but your son is sick he needs help um does your God also not believe in putting out snacks for the guests come on Lois I think we're wasting our time here they're obviously very committed to their beliefs but their beliefs are crazy Brian I don't know who's crazier these people are those seventh day Adventists I'm a Methodist we believe that the Lord is our savior and we remember him by going to church and praising him every every Sunday I'm a Seventh Day Adventist we believe all the same things that you believe but we go to church on Saturdays what I know what frustrating Lois but the fact is there are no laws that say those people have to take their child to the doctor how can that be children are citizens too they should have rights well it's a tricky area Lois you could file a suit but that could take months and even then there's no guarantee the court wouldn't support the parents right to practice their religion how could we live in a country that would allow a sick child to die look this country was founded by people who came here to escape religious persecution they made sure we all had a right to religious freedom and it's my job to protect that so there's nothing we can do you could contribute to the policeman's ball what what does that have to do with a sick child look it's a nice night out you're eating at a fancy Buffet the captain does his alpacino Joe we we're really more of a fireman's ball family oh yeah are the fireman going to come and put out the rape Peter we can't let this happen I I mean we're parents what if this was one of our kids well it's too bad we're not The A Team cuz then we could just go in there and steal that kid I don't know about that Peter kidnapping is against the law it's too bad we're not taken from Taken then I could dip my head in brown paint and Gump around Europe looking for my hot daughter although is it any worse than what they're doing they letting a kid die it's too bad we're not Dragon heart then we can just fly around on a dragon and forget about all this you know what that's exactly what we should do what what the hell are you talking about I'm talking about us going in there and taking that kid and getting him some help I mean I know it's wrong but it's better than just letting him die and it's not a bad idea it's like we're doing a public service like those idiots who get together to paint a school this underachieving crimer ridden school is now Fawn beige thanks to guilty white people with no weekend plan [Applause] [Music] Y what the hell where's your ski mask it's kind of hard to breathe in those things so I just dressed up like Harry Potter all right let's go Lois if anything should happen to us I want you to know I haven't been happy for a long time yes Peta you've told me that like 10 [Music] times all right all the lights are out they must be asleep if it's go time Peter what the hell was that that's what you do Lois okay now take this walkie-talkie and confirm that I'm at the various checkpoints oh okay Peta up on a telephone pole check Peter cutting the wires to the alarm check sexy Peta distracting the gods check hello boys come up and have sex with me sometime van full of pet who all have Stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist check upside down Peter who isn't revealed to be upside down until the camera spins around and shows that he is check Peter in an open airplane door slapping other Peters on the back as they parachute out go go go go go go go go go go check super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong Peter Peter are you there now let's go get that kid okay he's in the left upstairs bedroom all right you keep the car going in case there's trouble all right I got him Lois Peter what the that's not Scotty that's Ben oh well you know we ain't known this family that long I'm still learning everybody's names damn it put him back and go get Scotty the baby okay so I'll go get the baby and while I'm doing that maybe you do something about that snatchy tone Lois is this the right one yes now come on what was that I don't know it came from Scotty's room all right we did it yes we got the kid and the treasure Peter there's no treasure oh well never mind then we now return to 1-hour Crime show where the murderer is the most famous person in the credits I think you're going to want to take a look at this what do we got looks like somebody had a rough night Out Boy you can say that again better get the coroner down here he's still got his watch in his wallet guess that rules out robbery stabed 17 times in the chest I'd say the murderer knew the victim into L good evening I'm Tom Tucker with some breaking news a local kidnapping has rocked Cog tonight rocked Cog really the whole town is the family maybe is rocked but the whole all right well in any event we now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa let's see how much she's rocked by all this Trisha Tom I'm standing here with mayor Adam West with the latest information about The Disappearance of young Scotty Jennings what can you tell us Mr Mayor Please Mr Mayor is my father call me John Mayor Your Body Is a Wonderland by the way what is the city doing to help rescue the missing boy well we're looking for this child using all the latest technology including the newest most advanced multimedia milk cartons help me I'm missing help why are you still eating breakfast I'm kidnapped why are you turning me the other way I'm still here Scotty Jennings oh my my God I know she was upset but do you think Lois would have gone so far as to kidnap him of course she did she'll do anything for attention I know she's like the boy who cried wolf wolf wolf did you hear that somebody needs help let's go oh my God Charles oh my God I'll run and get help no no we've got to carry him we can't leave him here there's a wolf um there's not really a wolf what tell my kids I love them Charlie Charlie this was so funny in my head when I planned it don't you worry Scotty we're going to get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need yeah hang in there buddy when this is over we can get some ice cream me and Lois can get some ice cream not you they're going to be sticking needles in you everywhere you know Peter you were right this is actually kind of a rush I mean look at us we're like Felman Louise yeah but we all know no that didn't end well for them you know what but let's just turn ourselves in I got a great lawyer and he says worst case 8 to 12 years and when we get out we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of [Applause] us goodbye terrible women [Music] oh my God this is Trisha takawa I am standing outside Cog hospital where accused kidnappers Lois and Peter Griffin have just arrived also arriving is my overprotective boyfriend who is suspicious whenever I am called into work at night even though I've been a reporter for years Tyrone I thought I told you to mention my painting business Lois Peter stop right there you're under arrest for kidnapping I'm going to have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender Joe please get out of our way I promise when this is over I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves uh Joe we would like two tickets to the policeman's ball too late there they are Lois please stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us I can't do that hope but we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands I know and maybe that's why he ended up in my hands the Lord can't do everything you know blasphemy heresy sodomy sorry I don't even know what's going on how you doing Ben hope I know you don't believe in modern medicine but you do believe in the power of prayer that's right and Through the Years when there was disease or infection people of good faith would pray to God for a cure yes it's what we do well then isn't it possible that penicillin vaccines and antibiotics are all actually answered prayers and isn't it possible that the amazing men and women of medicine who brought about these Miracles could be the instruments of God's answers to our prayers it's good so far Lois try to work a few laughs in there if you can look I believe life is sacred and I know you want Scotty to live a full life and if that's true then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will I me what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers oh then please let God answer your prayers please let your son get help well I guess through the Lord's will anything is possible all right Lois Scotty can have his treatment oh thank you thank you and God bless you both hey everybody we're all going to get laid [Music] we now return to Dracula in San [Music] Francisco oo well that's why we have the lab well I just got off the phone with hope and it sounds like Scotty's going to make a full recovery you hear that Stewie looks like your little friend's going to be okay well I don't care about him I've got a new friend who's got leprosy see he's funny Peter are you actually reading that Christian Science book yeah you know I figured I'd give it a [ __ ] I mean wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something and it actually happened I am so happy for me I deserve this when do you think the Queen's going to die [Music] send in Stewie please oh I can go in now oh fantastic he's ready marvelous thank you Barbara I hope you get those Adele tickets you deserve them she won't get them no way she needed to get them like a month ago so um is that me over there if you like here we go I saw the kid who has canc answer leave that must have been fun I don't know why his parents are still bringing him to school it's uncomfortable for everyone I've never seen him when he's not just thrown up Charming this is charming it reminds me of the therapist office Bethany Frankle goes to on the Real Housewives of New York City I hate her she looks like a wooden doll you'd find in an Eastern European toy shop oh don't act like you don't know who she is please that doesn't impress me we live in the world we all know who Bethany Frankl is whether we like it or not you know I actually don't mind her and she's built quite a business for herself you have to hand it to her I don't mean to name drop but I kind of know Andy Cohen I guess I'm his type which of course is very flattering he's outrageously successful he originally wanted me for the Rachel zo project but I said no so they went with Brad and now look that could have been me on fashion police with Melissa Rivers 14 times a year oh well hindsight I see the tissue box is empty somebody was going through those like well tissues I hope he didn't get cancer all over this seat yuck bad luck although I did hear Ryan Reynolds visited him something to do with Deadpool I guess so it's not all horrible if they don't give us a day off when he dies I'm going to be so pissed oh look you got your Dunkin Donut's coffee I don't know why those cups always depress me it's it's like you've already given up up before the days even started you might as well tattoo can't for Starbucks on your forehead what do I care though none of my business I haven't heard of any of the schools you went to but I'm sure they were great I mean you're here right and why are you here Stewie H that was lame you seem to have a lot of strong opinions I do mostly because I come across a lot of dicks or I guess I should say wankers we do like that word h or tossa get Pratt sord chuffer take your pick here Dr pritchfield we yes we I'm not following the accent the accent you speak with a British accent yes I'm aware well I've often been told that I have a British accent oh that's that's all you're going to say oh what does a dude like me to say Ste that I have a British accent I apologize but I can't hear it you mean to tell me you don't hear me speaking with a British accent right now no that's odd because everybody else does have you spent much time in Britain then no I haven't excuse me I said no but you're the absolute only person who hasn't noticed it really everyone hears this well just the people who can understand me which you appear to be one of but that's too complicated to go into I'm not even sure I get it the point is Stewie has a British accent that's like a known thing ask anyone I'm afraid I don't hear it yeah you've said it sounds like it's very important what other people think of you oh is is that what it sounds like to me it does yes to you it does I see I see so after five minutes you think you know me is that it a little perhaps I am trained Stewie to observe things that give me an insight and yes I do feel I know you a bit you do feel you know me a bit mhm okay all right all right well that's that that's that's fair might I I'm not sure how this is going to help indulge me thank you I see you're on vacation in Rio de Janeiro in this photo with your partner I'm guessing or is he your husband yes probably wanted to make it official didn't you never thought you'd see it in your lifetime blah blah blah blah at a quick glance I'd say there's roughly a 26-year age difference between the two of you not quite large enough to raise eyebrows while still giving you a younger mind to shape Oh you mean you haven't seen All About Eve Gypsy Valley of the Dolls Etc and a younger body to make you feel more virile taking into consideration the math he was probably born at a time when the most popular name was Michael from the dogeared pages of that volume of Shakespeare I imagine you woed Michael with a sonnet or monologue each day and no one had ever done anything so romantic as reciting Shakespeare for Michael before and he was smitten while not as physically attracted to you as you are to him that's okay you each bring something important to the relationship isn't that what you believe Dr pritchfield I see a prescription for heart medication on that table my guess is you keep that at the office you don't want to worry Michael you say to yourself even though the truth is It embarrasses you your age your mortality best to keep appearing as vital as possible and no need to have reminders at home of what's just around the corner is there and your office is your Haven since Michael doesn't work and is often at home perhaps as a result of a low-level depression that you don't really want to get into with him he always planned to have a career but he could never settle on exactly what it was he wanted to do and at first you liked having him at home to take care of the house and plan trips so that's just what happened and that's a job too he reminds you over the years Michael likes to travel and he prefers the Finer Things and you'd like to give them to him wouldn't you but it's a bit difficult on a child psychologist salary at a Rhode Island preschool I'd imagine fortunately you don't have children so you do have some disposable income oh you have talked about it with other couples just for show probably at dinner with younger friends of Michaels who are starting a family you know to be part of the conversation to feel included but you said you preferred your trips and your rescue dog named after a character most likely from Dickens ah how accomplished and affluent you both look in this photo just the image Michael is so desperate to project let's look a little closer shall we now I see you're both wearing Ralph luren purple labeled dress shirts that retail starting at $495 but from the disfigured button holes on one and the small discoloration on the other I can see you bought them at the outlet in Providence probably third markdown in which case $49 give or take since you also have light jackets on I can see that you went there during summer vacation which is in fact winter in Rio outside of the high tourist season and I see that you're on the rooftop pool deck at the Fano hotel in eima the most exclusive hotel in all of Brazil Michael would have been dying to stay there had a friend that went with his older boyfriend who makes a lot of money in most likely banking much to your shagrin but even in August it's almost $1,000 a night you tell him people are starving in the streets in Brazil how do you justify paying those prices when the truth is you simply can't afford it it's for another class of gay people the window that Michael is always desperately peering through and sadly on the other side of but you do your best you don't go on Airbnb because you don't trust it even though Michael has stories of friends who are found the most fabulous places you like a hotel besides it's more romantic you tell him but when you take him to the place you're actually staying the one you found on trip advisor that was rated number 27 of all the hotels in Rio and was having a special rate of $295 a night which is still not cheap you remind him most people never get to visit half the places he's seen you tell him you can't help but feel like a bit of a failure as you see the look of disappointment on his face as he enters the room so you decide to go to the Fano hotel for dinner and drinks no just drinks once you've seen the restaurant prices online and once there you can see how Michael begins looking at all the older men who can afford to to take their boyfriends I'm sorry husbands to such luxurious hotels and you worry a little that you're diminishing in his eyes with each passing year but you tell yourself you're being ridiculous as you see Michael glancing about the rooftop deck looking at all the young men men that would be 20 years younger than even Michael men that you're invisible to but he isn't yet not completely and you're jealous and you loathe yourself for it but Michael wants a photo and he says let's take a selfie but you say let's ask someone to take one of us and make some TI joke about selfies that only you laugh at wishing that you could take it out of the air as soon as you've said it as it's just one more indicator that you're older than everybody here so Michael calls over a young man wearing a tiny swimsuit to take the photo and makes a crude joke that embarrasses you but the young man laughs and he and Michael share a moment that you're not part of and you feel humiliated and unseen which explains Michael's joyful grin and your slightly disconnected half smile and you've posted the photo on Facebook and Michael's posted it to his 86 followers on Instagram you don't know how that one works to at least give the impression in your Ralph Loren shirts holding your $20 cocktails that you're both way more successful than you are but it makes you feel a little dirty the lengths you have to go to in order to keep Michael happy at every time you glance at this picture you wonder how long before he leaves me see I guess we both know each other a bit you seem like a very lonely little boy yeah oh my God I am I'm so [Laughter] lonely you can see inside my soul [Laughter] God thank you thank you [Music] Barbara are you all right now Stewie yes I think you're very kind she's a gem that one you know I hope you appreciate her try taking some deep breaths I do this sometimes in yoga I take yoga I have a sick body I do I do feel a bit better but still lonely I'm sorry it keeps spilling out oh God oh God it seems like you're keeping a lot bottled up inside I am nobody here likes me Dr Bridgefield I try to fit in with the other boys and talk about things like dirt and shapes but they won't play with me and I I don't have any friends and I have nobody to eat lunch with it's very interesting you'd say that you have no friends doy especially considering the reason you're here oh that shall we talk about it I don't know what there is to talk about you pushed a classmate down the stairs it was an accident haven't you ever seen show Girls yes of course I have but according to Tyler it was no accident well I guess it's my word against his then it is creating a bit of a controversy excuse me a controversy I don't know what that is controversy controversy oh oh controversy apologies those of us with British accents pronounce it controversy but how would you know that yeah how would I know that look Dr pritchfield Cil if I may it's pronounced cesil damn it but again how would you know it's not as if you're okay okay we got it I only pushed Tyler down the stairs because I like him and I'm afraid he won't like me back and and not like him like him I'm not gay this whole thing isn't because I'm gay so so calm down I can already see you licking your chops I'm sure you live for the coming out sessions if anything I'm less gay Than I Used to Be not that anybody at this school would care but do I think that Grant Gustin and I would make the most adorable Instagram couple yes yes we would Grant Gustin plays The Flash on the CW if you were wondering because you know most people over 70 probably don't know who he is think young Anthony Perkins ah oh there we go anyway fluid is something I hear being tossed around a lot now but I'm confident in my heterosexuality that's a word right yes of course okay it just sounded strange for a second it must be difficult for you Stewie being so intelligent it is just that just that acknowledgement you know sometimes I don't know where I fit in I I just I just want to be like everybody else but nobody's interested in the things that I'm interested in they think I'm weird and I'm so anxious all the time but I I always put on a brave face and try to hide it and I I give myself these excruciating migraines I actually have way more hair than this but I pull it out I'm sorry now I'm getting all worked up again I'm worse than Bethany Frankle on her period I don't know why I keep bringing her up I just it's just I think about her a lot well what are other things you're interested in Ste me well I like to talk about world domination some people don't think I talk about it enough anymore but mind your own beeswax is what I say to them I also like to talk about musicals it's hard to find someone who can converse on one of those topics let alone both and I really really really want to see Hamilton but by the time it gets here I'll be 30 I think I'm still the only one in town who's even heard of it and it's been out for over 2 years which just makes me even more depressed how do you live in a place like that Cog what a pile of garbage and I've even memorized some of the songs but I have no one to sing it for and I'm really good do you want to hear it oh um you mean now I really I really need you to hear me sing Hamilton I'm so good why can't I be on Broadway I want to be on Broadway I want the world to fall in love with me eight times a week I'd love to hear you sing okay okay now I'm nervous if it's not good this time just remember it was good at home don't look at me while I start it's hard it it's a lot of words very fast like Gilbert and Sullivan but for Hispanics how does a bastard orphan son of a [ __ ] and a Scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by Providence and impoverished and squala grow up to be a hero and a schol the $10 Founding Father without a father got a lot father by working a lot harder by being a lot smarter by being a self starter by 14 they placed him in charge of trading Charter and every day while slaves were being slaughtered and CED away across the waves he struggled and kept his guard up inside he was longing for something to be a part of the brother was ready to beg steel borrow a b then the hurricane came and Devastation rained our man saw his future drip dripping down the drain put a pencil to his Temple connected it to his brain and he wrote his first refrain a testament to his pain well the word got around and they said this kid is insane man took up a collection just to send him to the mainland get your educ don't forget from whence you came and the world's going to know your name what's your name man Alexander Hamilton my name is Alexander Hamilton and there's a million things I haven't done but just you wait just you wait that's all I've learned so far well done you're a very special little boy Ste I thought you'd check your watch it was a bit emotional for you wasn't it but it felt good I like I got so much out you know would you like a cup of tea I would love a cup of tea it's hot already yes it's an electric kettle we don't have that at our house my mother boils water in an old Jiffy Pop tin she's just a useless old [ __ ] hey my hiccups are gone if you like Tyler and you wanted to be friends with him then why did you push him down the stairs oh I I don't know can I tell you a story about another little boy um okay when I was your age I grew up in London when the blitz had just ended good God how old are you our neighborhood was reduced to [Music] rubble and in the chaos I searched desperately for my parents Mom Mom Mother Mother mom mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mom mother don't don't what you know what but mother was nowhere to be found and neither was father you see I was the sole survivor of my family so I was sent to live with an aunt in Cornwall but she had too many mouths of her own to feed so I was next sent to a distant cousin in Northland but she didn't care for children and off again I went this time to an orphanage in gire but they didn't like little boys from London in goire or from Cornwall or Northland so I pretended I was from shopshire of all places and eventually I became friends with six boys Sebastian Dean flippit oodle scoder and nonsense word and together we traveled okay before you say another name of anything I'm going to have to stop you yes I'm only here for 40 minutes and this is already a really long story with a lot of locations and I don't feel like waiting to see how it links up to my thing the point of the story is I know what it's like to feel alone and to have to pretend that you're something you're not oh and also how my first kiss was with a Nazi see we didn't need to go back a thousand years for that and I don't pretend I'm something I'm not I never said that you just said it I might have implied it I suppose the question is why you feel the need to do that I I don't know I I guess I hadn't realized it before maybe I'm worried nobody's going to like me Lois left a tissue in the dryer again and these are my only pants how sad is that when I was in the orphanage my suay shoes were potatoes well you win that one look I'm Different Dr pritchfield I'm not like the other kids I realized that when you picked up that photo and decimated my entire life sorry it's kind of a parlor trick of mine have you ever thought of just being yourself your real self and then see what happens I I don't think I know how everything about me is this carefully constructed Persona designed to keep people at arms length this isn't even how I really talk this is this is how I talk the accent is nothing more than an affectation a coat of armor to get me through the day just an image I cultivated so I could feel special wow what a relief for once to talk with my real voice without the the burden of trying to sound like someone I'm not what do you mean by that well this is my real voice I don't hear a difference how about now you freaking hear that what about now sound different giggity what about now coming up now this voice aoy it's me and I'm a gay alien I'm sorry that just all sounds like the same person well Stewie that was quite a breakthrough we just had how do you feel I feel relieved like a weight has been lifted I I can finally be myself I like this Stewie I hope you stays for a while I've never been vulnerable to anyone before you're the only one who's ever met the real me well I'm honored and now the rest of the world is going to meet him yes yes that's right there's no going back now I'm going to talk to Tyler I'm going to make friends I'm going to be a normal boy yes you are you're finally going to be just like everybody else what say say that again you're finally going to be just like everybody else but but I don't I don't want to be like everybody else what do you mean I I don't want to be like them like any other zero in this miserable town like my family I won't do it I don't want to be like any other person like you skiing don't pick up that photo I want to remain what I've always been Superior brilliant special oh God what was I thinking I'm never going to lift the veil ever nobody will ever know the real me my accent's back by the way it was a very dramatic moment if you say so now let's talk about Stewie can you hand me my heart medication please of course except there's one person that does does know the real me and that's you I don't understand why aren't you getting my medication yeah listen you're not going to like this please there's not much time I'd like to really I would and you were super helpful and this this kind of seems like a crummy way to repair you but I'm not going to get it is this because I made you wait it's because I can't have anyone know the real me and so you must die I guess that's what happens in therapy though no it's not ah you're right that didn't make much sense not to sound ghoulish but any indication how much longer you're going to linger I'm not sure I think it's different for everyone yeah because you're still pretty chatty is is why I'm wondering don't do this stey it will stay with you forever yeah not worried for me this is kind of no bigs Barbara Barbara oh didn't you hear her go to lunch it was like an orchestra of squeaky chair Springs and groaning floorboards playing her out so this is how you leave me sorry eyes look your last arms take your last Embrace and lips oh you the doors of breath sealed with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to and grossing death McBeth Romeo and Juliet but I wouldn't expect you to know since you're not in any way British I feel less bad you've reached the office of Dr cesil pritchfield please leave a massage that one can't be right it's Michael I want a divorce this is not your [Music] day hey you okay yes rert just had a nightmare that's all go sleep on the floor where you belong [ __ ] all right well hey hey Bri yeah would you mind maybe sleeping with me tonight sure thanks good night Stewie night Brian Brian yeah I did something awful do you want to talk about it [Music] no all right class today today we're going to be talking about variables okay it's just a rear end we all have one mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's no we're not laughing at you we're laughing at Griffin's shoes why what's wrong with them I don't even know what those are What's tesli um I'm not sure but my mom says they're very popular with lvan athletes running throwing lifting big things test cck that's all right with me man each shoes sold separate are they really that bad are you kidding they're terrible man high school is rough this year it's sneakers last year it was all about being overweight and wearing a baseball cap hey guys sure hope we win the big game on Saturday get lost dork yeah gain some weight will you oh of all the years to be trim and well hated [Music] that was a fun birthday party huh Stewie that kid was Indian and 11 years old where are you finding my friends a someone's a little cranky here let me put on the radio talking about the club looking around the club pimping at the club emphasizing Club this is awful [Music] am my God who is this enchantress baby you take oh isn't that cute my little Stewie likes an Murray she sounds like an angel it's like her voice is putting my entire body in her [Music] mouth love again just one touch and then it happens time their [Music] eyes just falling in love again when I [Music] do I can't help myself I in love you you like that Stewie you like an Mar's music do I I've never known such happiness this must be what it's like for you when you're buying potatoes or scraping your heels or smooshing on makeup for a sad night out this portion of the Channel 5 News at 6 is brought to you by condoms put us on backwards a little bit then put us on the right way Mom Dad I need to get new sneakers what I just bought you new sneakers I know but I need cooler ones shut up and stop complaining when I was your age I didn't even have sneakers we wore stale hamburger buns no you didn't Peter sh he didn't know that he's just a dumb fat loser you see his shoes look Chris I'm sorry but money's tight right now yeah I even had to take a second job as a door too door vacuum salesman this thing can pick up anything here's a little demonstration I'll pour some wine rub in some feces and to top it off some mustard mix with feces tough stain right oh crap I forgot the vacuum all right Rupert you're ready to get lost in some an wings and fly away and take the snow back with you where it came from on that day what I love forever is untr and if I could you know that I would fly away with you yeah if I could you know that I would fly with you what a woman to think Canada's Got her and we have Kelly Clarkson go into town at a waffle [Music] house that's it I'm getting those sneakers after all shoes make the man gentlemen take your marks I a different kind of [Applause] winner oh come on dad there's no cash in here here just a bunch of cards that say I farted on your car with his insurance [Music] info busted jeez it's so weird that Mom and Dad would leave the house without their purse and wallet I wonder where they are can I get you anything else uh two more Cokes please could you excuse me de Deone it's Peter I'm at my date and I left my wallet at home will you please borrow your mom's car drive to my house get my wallet and bring it back here Deon are you there Deon I'm really kind of busy come on just do me this one favor all right but you owe me for this one thanks Deone and that was the last we ever saw of him well well well who do we have here it's me Chris you know me why are you talking like a bad guy listen I saw you steal money from Mom's purse oh I was just trying to get new sneakers you're not going to tell on me are you well that depends on what how about I won't tell Mom and Dad about the money if you promise to do whatever I say Meg this is how a lot of point porn starts I mean it Chris I'll tell them mom Chris took money out of the okay okay okay I I'll do whatever you want I thought you'd see it that way here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me shouldn't have taken that money Chris she's right I'm a horrible person I'm only one step above those people who really like dive bars and really need you to know it I love this place I love dive bars dive bars are my favorite they're so much better than regular bars because worse is better I know right they're my favorite I'm quirky like that I've got quirky taste I'm a quirky girl it seems like we would be perfect for each other but really we're terrible for [Music] everyone what the hell are you listening to Anne Murray uh I am experiencing an Murray why that music is complete crap um excuse me it's all just vapid overproduced tripe it has no Edge whatsoever yeah neither does a soft Summer Breeze or a letter from an old friend I'm pretty sure envelopes have edges fine an email dick whatever you know what I don't care I think Ann Murray sucks and that's my opinion oh yeah well I'm going to make a Believer out of you Brian I'm going to show you the true meaning of Anne Murray don't waste your time I'm not going to change my mind I don't know Bri I can make things happen when I want to just ask my twin brother and here's baby boy number one I understand you've decided to name him Stewie one more to go and here here he oh oh dear oh no did Dave not make it okay Meg I've cleaned your room and I did your homework can I be done now oh no there's a lot more things I need you to do for me there are like what well now you have to watch An Officer and a Gentleman with me and that's it no at the end when Richard Gear carries Deborah Winger out of the paper mill you have to read what's on this index card that's going to be you someday Meg I know it will I just know it will okay Chris I want to wear contacts but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself so you need to help me really is it that hard my eyes are too sensitive it's like they overreact or something okay a what happened to your ey don't worry about it just put the lens in but where do I put it the pupil's gone your eye just looks like a pingpong ball I think it rolled up into my head look just just do the other one you look like one of those blind Jazz guys where are you I can't see anything I don't like this just wear your stupid glasses Chris I'm blind I'm sorry mag what the hell is all this this is history Brian a key moment in the history of Happiness have a seat I cried a tear you wiped it dry I was confused you cleared my mind [Music] I sold my soul you bought it back for me and held me up and gave me dignity somehow you needed me you gave me strength to stand alone again to face the world out on my own again you put me high upon a pedestal so high that I could almost see eternity you needed me you needed me [Music] yeah some hardcore right wow thank you for turning me on to something so amazing hey I'm just glad you enjoyed it and I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if you had bothered to show up hey how would you like to go to my apartment and Beyond okay Meg I stood outside PL Parenthood for 36 hours and here are the pictures of every girl in your class who went in all right good now I want you to call them as if you're their dead baby no way that was the last thing on your list I I can't do this anymore well you should have thought of that before you stole money out of mom's purse I own you now here's my post office key I need you to go downtown and get the stuff for my PO Box you you don't get your mail here no I get a lot of private correspondents from the Netherlands like what like I'm part of a group that kind of trash's and Frank's house every year you know what no that's it I'm not I'm not doing any more of your crap mag Chris don't you see you have no choice I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money and they'll ground your ass for a year I don't care tell them cuz I'm not even going to be here I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again good go and who's even going to miss you you're just a little thief where are you going Chris wait who are you going to turn to you don't even have any friends hi I ran away from home do you mind if I live with you live with me my goodness I feel like I'm want to pinch myself to see if I'm Dreaming hot dog it's real Mr Herbert it's 6:00 I'm I'm not really tired yet well you had those three cups of NY will you'll be down soon enough okay good night Mr Herbert sweet dreams Chris Mr Herbert what's life really all about well I suppose it's about trying new things sampling the sweet and the Savory not being afraid to take everything life wants to throw up on into you wow I never looked at it like that before thanks Mr Herbert but don't you think it's scary to try new things no Chris life is like a new baseball glove at first you think you're never going to get a balll in there but then you oil it up work your fingers around in there a little and pretty soon you'll pitching and catching I guess that makes sense sorry you really know how to waste a seis don't you [Music] you know this is definitely a mystery song for me it's so upbeat but the lyrics are so dark I'm I'm sorry are we both listening to Snowbird as recorded by Miss an Murray yeah the woman in the song is trying to cope with getting older and she feels trapped because she knows she can't do anything about it no no no no I mean you're right that she's feeling trapped but the message is positive it's about being trapped in a bad relationship and having the guts to get out of it no no see what I hear is that the woman is starting to hate life you know the line now I feel such emptiness within yeah I know the song and Murray feels old and then to make things worse the snowbird comes around every year bringing the snow or death to remind her that no matter what she does her Fate's already written Ryan the snowbird has nothing to do with time or fate well I disagree look there's only one way to settle this only the artist knows the true meaning of their art now miss o'keef the flowers in your paintings what do they represent oh wow that's a really good question [Music] question oh hi Meg could you tell Chris breakfast is ready oh um I I think he got up early he um said something about a fat kid rally at Little Caesars huh it's not like Chris to miss breakfast oh don't worry Mom I I'm sure he'll be home later later well I hope so we were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels it's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks oh Heathcliff oh come on I want so little Chris what did you do with my videotapes I had a whole system I was trying to find a good movie to watch I've never even heard of most of these Jeffrey at the park Mikey scol dosis exam nephew somersault compilation well even if you never heard of them I assume you heard of the alphabet you want to explain to me how Sammy popsicle comes before napping various jeez I'm sorry well can we watch Lost Boys I've heard of that one those those are different Lost Boys are you whistling Snowbird yeah that's awesome whoa whoa whoa why do you get to ring it because I was into her first let's flip for it or I can't believe you did that I cannot believe you just did that will you stop it she's going to think we're weird hi can I help you hi Miss Murray my name's Brian Griffin uh first of all I just want to tell you what a huge fan I am a that's very sweet of you and I'm Stewie I'm the one who sent you the vibrators well I'm glad you enjoy my music would you like to come in we'd love to wow nothing says success like free on a Tuesday at 300 p.m. I'll get there so miss Murray the reason we came is that we have a question about Snowbird it's about a relationship right no no it's obviously about the fear of growing old you know I think you're both kind of right I guess I always thought it was about human limitation both mental and physical okay that that just blew my face off well I hope that helps it does thank you so much Miss Murray this has been terrific hey uh before we go you mind if I use your restroom there a long drive up here no go right ahead we should do something without him sometime do you like toas someone invited me out for that once I thought they said topless I was like what that's a good story hey you know that was really cool how you told us what Snowbird was about well you know that's just the way I always interpreted the song but I suppose Jean probably could have explained it better than I who's Jean Jean mclen he wrote the song I see but you wrote all your other songs right no all of my songs were written by other people as a singer I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted sensitive songwriters oh so you're just a big liar sit back down all right come on Stewie let's go home Stewie what the hell are you doing she's a fraud Brian a fraud she didn't write any of her songs well so that's the case with a lot of singers it's a very common industry practice well then you're all a bunch of frauds aren't you a bunch of frauds and charlatans you want to be a puppet then sing for your life puppet come on spread your tiny wings and fly [Music] away Day come on man sing along you know it you didn't write it but you know it [ __ ] the one I love forever is untrue and if I could you know that I would fly away with [Music] you hey mag you here for the expired hot dogs no Carl I'm looking for Chris I've looked everywhere and I can't find him huh I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out hey bosos what do you think of this I did it I did it you're crazy man you're so crazy I thought I told you to clean up in here and why aren't you dressed we're supposed to have dinner with judge Maynard and Timmy yeah okay soon as I finish this level no get your coat on it's a 3-hour drive to that cabin can you just cook something here excuse me I am not going to cook you dinner while you sit here on your own mess playing your TV games oh and the Martyr returns Chris I I think it's time for you to go okay I'll go but I want you to know I faked all my lightheadedness M good Kool-Aid whoa who sound familiar oh my God Chris oh there you are I've been looking all over for you why you want to humiliate me with more slave work no I I wanted to apologize I should have never blackmailed you I'm really sorry and I want you to come home I thought you said no one would miss me I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean Chris but I miss you thanks Meg I miss you too you know living in that family we both have pretty crappy lives and if we're going to survive it we can't turn on each other we're all we have I know I'll never do anything like that again you think you can ever forgive me yeah I forgive you we broke up why do you still read the newspaper Nobody Does that anymore I like to keep up on local news like the police bladder huh most of these arrests are Cleveland and the arresting officer is Joe Swanson can I help you sir I'm doing my mail route Joe maybe you'd be more comfortable talking about it down at the station you're right it is more comfortable here the police station come for the racial profiling stay stay for the comfort is that is that you oh yeah a friend invited me to this charity ball a friend she's a hundred what are you up to nothing I enjoy her company older women are cultured worldly I've got nothing to be defensive about her husband passed away she appreciates my friendship I'm providing companionship dogs are known for that I don't like it [Music] Peta I need you to mow the lawn it's out of control I can't motor lawn Lois the Friends of Distinction are out there Grazing In the grass his in the can you everything is so clear you can see it and everything here is so near you can feel it [Music] woooo I can oh let me get in on that where'd they go Cleveland you okay in there Cleveland yeah yeah I'm fine that was a good toilet dream about my neighbor and his lawn on Peter I don't care who's grazing the lawn looks terrible get out there and mow it why can't Chris mow it he's old enough look I'm all for chrism in the lawn but you got to teach him fine I'll do it tomorrow after my weekend job as a zookeeper with very muscular thighs thigh there nice to see you all as you can see right here and here I am qualified to be a zookeeper this is my friend Frederick and I'm sure you're all wondering how much I can squat for that answer you'll have to go to my Instagram your th 99 now I'd like to open up the floor for questions yes what food does the bird not about the bird now who wants to see me jump over this fence from a standing start let me scooch these shorts up a little fire look out elephants so everybody happy they went to the zoo no well that's the zoo [Music] is that a diamond encrusted watch fob this oh yeah I've had this nobody's owned one of those for 80 years what are you up to you already did this I'm not trying to show skepticism my head is too heavy I heard the doctor whisper to Lois 3,000th percentile okay Chris now if you're going to learn how to mow a lawn the first lesson is that you always start by 7 a.m. before everyone wakes up including roosters what the hey shut up you shut up oh real original now to start the mower you grab this pull cord like so and give it a nice hard yank can I change my grip wow much better it's a more familiar motion for the rest you can just watch this howto video go on YouTube what's going on guys I'm Cory here to take your lawnmowing skills to the next L but first make sure you subscribe to my channel Cory's World okay now let's start that mower did you know Cory got recruited by ISIS he disappeared and now there's this guy doing Isis videos and they think it's Corey ah salam alaikum guys this is Corey here to talk about making a dirty bomb with stuff you can find in your kitchen [Music] Great Caesar's ghost Chris and a chubby little friend it's like in my dream hey there Chris you know I've been looking for a musly armed young fell to mow my lawn sorry Mr Herbert but I don't even want to mow this lawn you could bring your friend over there to help you come on Herbert rope this calf would $600 a week change your mind uh would it you you got a deal and I can pay you under the table I like to make a little fort under there I call it Fort Dicks did you hear that Dad he'll pay us $600 uh yeah did you not hear about Fort [Music] Dicks oh Admiral you've been so good to me these past weeks with my husband gone and me alone attend to his massive estate you know helping you might have been difficult were you not so utterly Charming oh plus helping you helps me forget my own country's troubles and my struggle to save our national flower The Melia Orchid that's my favorite flower and pet charity really I've devoted my life to raising money to save it what a coincidence you and the count the count yes of Monty Hall we like to October in zorich ah yes the best place to October the secret however is to October in Zurich but in September to avoid the obnoxious October in crowds saving October for Paris November in there then December in in Palm Beach in November and in December January of course as always in gustad we December in London you Madame are a cream-faced loon count I don't believe you've met the Admiral well he may be an Admiral but he's certainly not admirable panty drop Swoon commercial so Admiral you must have had quite the military career your honors are impressive is that medal a stretched out Carnival Penny thank you for noticing count it means a lot from a man whose top hat looks suspiciously like an Amazon echko with a cardboard Brim why what what what a Preposterous notion Alexa no don't say that what the hell are you doing here this is my scam a butt out now why would I do that Brian these old bags are going to die someone's going to end up with their money look right there's no reason to sabotage each other there's plenty of Newport ayses for the both of us maybe we could even help each other exactly two con men like us working together we'll be set like a passive aggressive alarm clock uh I don't know if you've notice but the sun's been up for like an hour no no no no you don't have to get up let your wife do everything just keep sleeping you're a good husband I'm sure she doesn't fantasize about your contractor who's already downstairs working on well I can't really figure out what he's working on oh I know your wife hey there Chris and what's your Pal's name I'm Peter sir you're big for your age ain't you Peter yeah doctor says I eat too much candy ain't no shame in being chubby you're a growing boy well what's this WOW how'd you do that it wasn't a trick it was stuck to your neck oh yeah sometimes I fall asleep on [Music] Candy there she is the wealthiest arys in all of Newport the holy grail for guys like us who is she that's Margaret wol worth Carrington Von Schumacher Chanel Aster Livingston Comp desant exupery Mount baton Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von trap wickenham Hurst Montgomery Rothchild Johnson and Johnson twills worth Dolce gabana Von zwier second Montgomery de la ro Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van buan Butterworth how Metro mother Wrigley Louise dfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes higgy Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitz williiam Kennedy Motel 6 Fairchild Brook pritsker Davenport Von stolen Monty Python ellisworth Aston Martin H Brook zif Lauder Hilton Dupont k Winslow Kors ovat Marlboro Pembroke Huffington Bush melon Sinclair melon Camp Starbucks van djk third Montgomery Marriott barington chadsworth Big League chw Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop long bottom Nottingham Meister bger Burgermeister tutor hapsburg Rockefeller Onasis my God you mean the heir to the Woolworth Carrington Von Schumaker Chanel AA Livingston Comp desant exupery Mount baton Windsor armanii Roosevelt Von trap Wickam Hurst Montgomery Rothchild Johnson and Johnson twills worth do gabana voner second Montgomery de ro G Vanderbilt Lannister vanan Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise drus Ludwig Morgan Stanley deont Lamborghini Forbes Higg Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitz William Kennedy Motel 6 Fairchild Brook pritzer Davenport Von stolen Monty Python ellisworth Aston Martin H Brook zif louder Hilton Dupont concade winslo KS oat Marboro Pembroke Huffington Bush melon Sinclair melon Camp Starbucks van djk third Montgomery Marriott barington chadsworth Big League chw Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop long bottom Nottingham Meister bger Burgermeister Tuda hapsburg Rockefeller Onasis Fortune exactly she goes by pip pip pip been trying to shmoo her for months the only catch is her 95-year-old husband is still hanging on by a thread I can't make a move until he dies which hopefully is any day now if we can charm her we'll be set for life no more scraping and Scavenging like a laughing hyena I don't sound desperate but I'm very desperate I'm not a very capable Predator my family's back at the Den waiting for me I think this is the day I starve to death just kidding I have no family but I'm a very involved [Music] Uncle dad shouldn't we attach a bag to the mower that's too much work just mow with the blower always pointed toward Joe's lawn hey hey will you put a bag on that thing just poop into your hand if you have to I'll be down in a minute hey boys I've got some cookies and special grape juice for you come on and get it pety sweet but Mr Herbert you always made the cookies with the large pill in the center for me sorry Chris he just got to him first I thought I was your favorite [Music] you mustn't think you failed me just because there's someone else you were the first real love I ever had and all the things I ever said I swear there still a truth for no one else can have the part me I gave to you Torn Between Two Lovers feeling like a fool loving both of you is Breaking All the [Music] Rules Torn Between Two Lovers feeling like a fool oh loving you both is Breaking All the [Music] Rules all right now let's kick it up a notch come on J baby do that you know you cany yourself any longer come [Music] on there she is we just got to wait for our chance to move in Ryan look you think this might be the end I don't know but now's our chance I hate myself for doing this is that a cat's Protective League pin on your lapel why yes it's my favorite charity I love cats I've devoted my life to help helping them I like this party [ __ ] [ __ ] Co I'm sorry gentlemen but my husband is feeling ill and stepped into the men's locker room would you be so kind as to check on him well I'm not sure if we'll be able to find him don't worry I've got a very thick yellow toenail finder app on my phone e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e ew got him do you think he's dead get the hell out of my face Brian what Quagmire no Quagmire that's what I said oh oh sorry I didn't I didn't hear you cuz of the Prosthetics hey just checking to see if the old man is dead oh hey guys jeez how many of us are doing this Con I've got no chance have I a tertiary character like me you most certainly do not I don't even think we're going to give you the dance you rehe [Music] first you're Margaret's husband that's right listen rookie you're out of your league you think you know how to bang a woman who's seen a dodo bird wait but how can you be married you don't even live together she's old she says you weren't here yesterday I say yes I was and that's it well you've clearly invested a lot of time into this and yet two fellows like us with loose lips could cause it's all to fall apart who's this trombone I'm the guy who enjoyed like hell shopping for this little ruse look there's plenty of money to go around and I don't know how much more of this I can take so I'll make a deal with you guys if you can help me wrap this up if you know what I mean take her skydiving something that might you know overwhelm her elderly heart I'll split the estate with you too but unless you're prepared to kill her get the hell out all right I got to run it's her birthday happy birthday dear Margaret w just going to hang here for a minute Montgomery Roth Johnson Johnson torth doab second Montgomery de Vander Lannister vanor How I Met Your Mother rley lwig Morgan Stanley Lamborghini Forbes Chanel Remy Martin Fitz Will Kennedy Motel 6 Brook criter Davenport Sten Monty py ellworth ason Martin louder D King Mart that's a that's a freshly oiled hinge [Music] py let's play Horsey that's it it's time you did all the work and I Goof Off With Mr Herbert like hell it is Jesse is this real really happening you're going down old man I ain't the one going down you're going down no way I'm going to pound your ass you're seeming kind of cocky and I hate cocky boo [Music] cocky why are you being such a jerk dad the dad yeah this is my dad well he often said he wanted to explode all over me he finally did sorry I got jealous dad that's all right Chris hey did you get a little aroused when we were wrestling no me neither I am Herbert I am Herbert I am Herbert I am Herbert good Cog evening let's uh let's do that again good evening hog quo I'm Tucker Tom nope good after evening noon hog Tom quo I'm tuck quo Gooding noon Tomer tuck I'm ning ning after evening quo noon hog our top story newport's wealthiest heys Margaret Woolworth holy God I'm not reading all that was found dead in her home of an apparent heart attack did you no did you no you think Quagmire did you uh you guys actually did it and made it look like a heart attack wow I uh I didn't think you had it in you I I guess you thought wrong listen I I know there's been some bad blood between us but I I promise it won't happen again I hope you can forgive me well just watch your step well a Deal's a deal so here's your share of the estate just sign here we're rich we're rich Stewie and no flip joke can take that away gentlemen due to a disastrous investment in a Mindy Project amusement park Miss Woolworth etc etc died owing 8 million for which you are now liable we owe money look Stewie it it could be worse we could be dead like Margaret you're right poor thing I guess she just died of natural [Music] causes what a couple of Rubes I'm finally out from under that crushing debt I suppose I don't need this anymore yes that's right it was a mix [Music] story The of mus get don't the everybody now rert remember that very expensive bottle of coconut water I got from press Juicery in Newport that we were saving for a special occasion well I'm going to need you to get two Dixie Cups and open it I got busy be for the second week in a row Miss Debbie said that I was the best at sharing and helping and she didn't even have to say that she just had aist removed from her ovary you were right rert I did exactly as you said I just took it one day at a time and minded my own wax and now look two weeks in a row this is good for us this is very good for us I know I wasn't originally supportive when you joined AA but I have to say I've gotten something out of it too I mean it works when you work so work it or you know how however it goes the point is together we are unstoppable I'm going for 3 weeks Rupert nobody's ever gotten busy bee 3 weeks in a row before and with you by my side I know I can do it you know you look good I don't tell you that enough I want to show you you how much I appreciate you stairway are you up there timing am I right sway what oh there you are sweetie you want some animal crackers I just went to the market and got a new crate can't you ever come back from shopping without looking like you were getting supplies for a refugee camp they downstairs if you want some get the hell out of here you know what I actually do want some animal crackers so to be continued the stuff is in the top drawer so just you know get it [Music] ready I'm going to do something really nice for Rupert show him how much he means to me Annabelle oh no no no no I I don't want you to kill anyone I'll let you know there you are what are you doing up here oh hey Bri I'm making a collage for Rupert we've been firing on all cylinders lately and I just wanted to let him know I care that sounds stupid well Annabelle doesn't think so right Annabelle holy what is that wow look at all these old photos I was such a cute puppy that's not you that's Snuffles he got hit by a car oh word you want to see something upsetting look at this photo of Chris he's like 3 years old and he's in a Mobility Scooter rolling around an oxygen tank wait is that rert oh yeah I guess it is what's he doing with Chris well rert belonged to Chris before he was yours didn't you know that no I did not know that yeah he was named Skippy he had a different name yeah Skippy Chris took him everywhere used to sleep with him too you shut up I think he was Peter's before that oh God this can't be happening I thought Rupert was mine first not some multi-generational family dong [Music] Koozie we need to talk Skippy that's right I know all about you and Chris don't don't don't run out don't run out look just sit right there please I'm not angry all right I've I've had a lot of time to think and well look I I don't see why this has to change anything between us we both have a past hello I'm a lady comedian I want to get on stage and talk about my husband and how he leaves the toilet seat up Etc yeah you don't seem like a lady maybe a boy or a baby or something I don't know but you're no lady how dare you sir must I show you my genitalia in order to book a gig at this establishment because I will go on Beat It weirdo can I just stick around a little bit so I can go up on stage when you guys win an [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Emmy I had something memorized and it all dumped out uh thank you to the academy and to all the viewers who [Music] watch is the light keeping you up FYI I'm more in love with Michelle if that was even possible oh oh you know I still have that headache but if you want to go over to Chris's room I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I said I wouldn't do that and I did it I'm just going to finish this chapter you know I'm trying Rupert I really am I want this to work it's just that sometimes I picture you in his bed and anyway big day tomorrow there picking busy be I should get some sleep I'm sorry nights are hard well I didn't get it they gave bzy be to Frederick Frederick I'm not going to hit you so relax anyway the point is it's not working anymore Rupert I can't Focus I can't concentrate clearly my work is suffering look we're both adults we can split custody of Simon I guess I better tell him Simon you know Mommy and Daddy love you very much but mommy and daddy need some time apart Simon Simon Simon knock knock Stewie can you see who's there what someone was knocking at the door it it was me I just went knock knock there they are again I don't even know how to process that so I'm just going to crack on I have somebody here that would like to see you you're a teddy bear you don't have to be coy I know he was yours first and well I want you to have Skippy back I know you're going to try and stop me but hear me okay oh great then I'll just leave him here I hope you're both very happy together Chris he belongs with you not me well I see get back to my book that's a clock but okay this is just one night got it now I'm going to call you rert you okay with that and tomorrow nothing happened by the way I have a Sleep Number bed but don't worry I don't use it for sexual [Music] purposes what do you think of that that something you can work with [Music] well looks like someone was up late yeah I tend to sleep a little longer when I'm resting under a big furry bear oh no they doing gay jokes without me sh it's okay you're part of it [Music] now God you're sexy what are you looking at I told you that was one night now get out I called you an Uber I'll know if you went further than your house hey what are you doing oh hey Bri I was just putting some product in my hair you know there this looks good give it a little height let everyone know Stewie is back on the market I heard that on friends did you know they're all 60 now my knew Courtney Cox was so how you doing with rert gone and everything are you kidding I'm fantastic it was kind of holding me back if I'm being honest it's time I got out there again I've had one bear my whole life that's not normal nothing about you is normal I mean I've already wasted a whole year of my life with him there's only been a year of your life you know all of your responses have been very similar so you might want to nip that in the bud look the truth is things got a bit stale between us there wasn't one part of Rupert's body that I didn't know by heart none of it excites me anymore well do you want me to keep an eye on rert for you make sure he's doing okay no need I turned him into a nanny cam a nanny cam yeah I put it inside him deep it's inside him now I I I don't know how to respond that won't sound similar to other responses I've made so just continue right well whenever Chris and rert interact 10 minutes later I'll get a chime notification on my phone and I can pull up the video why is there a delay why can't you get the video immediately I don't know why can't you poop on a toilet Fair chiming it's chiming okay okay calm down just calm down now what do we have oops sorry Skippy are you seeing what I'm seeing is Chris wearing a nicotine patch you know what it's just like I said he and Chris go together like peaches and cream peaches peaches I'm sorry damn it you could have at least given me some warning at least a shoulder tap I know you're right it's just that you're so beautiful I can't control myself sometimes a I can't stay mad at you have about a k is no oh [Music] no I'm sorry was that loud oh sorry everyone we're being loud oh this is Anton Stewie let Mommy help you into your high chair well I am a little wobbly today it's your fault you know stop it we're with my family easy you're pinching my pits God it's like being picked up with Lobster Claw we hate her by the way ah see you got my text to bring rert to dinner you're looking well and this is Anton he's in the touring company of dear Evan Hansen why aren't we all very modern well he's just here cuz I got gum on him and he's stuck to my hand okay that's sickening remember when that bear used to be yours Chris oh you used to take him with you every shut your mouth you hear me Shut it oh someone's tired Brian you want to put the baby down oh okay okay yeah he is a little fussy I'll take him upstairs come on Stewie Brian he's not in Evan Hansen he's a male prostitute very cheap please tell me Rupert looked fat Brian I'm begging you he's a stuffed bear he he looked enormous yeah I thought so too you're puffy you know glug glug glug Ian someone's back on the sauce good night Skippy just a warning I had some bad experiences at Camp so now I sleep with one eye open I can't believe it Brian I've been forgotten I can't take it anymore it's eating me alive what are you going to do I I I need to take a trip you know go on a spiritual journey find out who Stewie is without Rupert you know I just have to get an Uber the airport wait my Uber rating is 4.2 what [Music] [Music] happened excuse me I'm in Bley on a spiritual journey but I seem to have mistakenly wandered onto the heavy people Beach do you happen to know where the thin attractive Beach is thank you and good luck with whatever's going on with you hey should have seen the pigs where I was before I'm only wearing a speedo because that's what they wear in this country if I if I weren't wearing one then I would stand out right I'm on a spiritual journey you ah you don't speak English cool rert rert is that you you followed me this could be a second chance for us let's put everything behind oh oh sorry I'm I'm so embarrassed you you look like an old friend he lives with someone else now well sorry you've got to get a grip on yourself Stewie put Rupert and Chris out of your head excuse me where are your parents oh I I don't U I'm I'm I'm like I'm I'm like a I'm like a baby guy [Music] so anyway so I'm I'm eat gay loving it and it's it's going great and I yeah I finally feel like I'm getting my life together again after after the breakup oh my god oh pasta this is amazing this is amazing I'm you know what I'm never going to fit into that Speedo again h i will oh the whole point of of this journal Spirit spiritual Journal Journey spiritual journey why why was that so hard is to be Stewie you know love Stewie love me you know love me stop stop pouring stop pouring I can't I can't keep track of how much I'm drinking thank you thank you thank you so much for taking me out guys [Music] The Retreat is now finished I hope you have found the piece you have here looking for Wow I have so much clarity now I know how I'm going to move on I have to kill Chris and Rupert right away I guess that means I'll miss that taping of deepack choo Winfrey everyone check your seats you get diarrhea and you get diarrhea and you get diarrhea everyone's getting diarrhea so how was the trip um fabulous well I have to say you do look better I feel better Bri it was the best thing I could have done for myself and you're good with Chris and rert now oh yeah I'm so good yeah I acted like a real tool before you know I'm actually going to make it up to them well I'm so glad to hear that Stewie what are you going to do I've got something super special planned well I'm happy you're back I missed you I'm happy I'm back too oh and you can skip India really [Music] how old is this place that black and white TV still has a white dot from when they turned it off six years ago hey Chris just checking to see how long before you and Rupert get here okay see you soon pal hope you're hungry I'm making something really special goodness I haven't done a maniacal laugh in a while hope I'm not Rusty [Music] perfect take out's fine he'll never know I don't know why I said I was making dinner I'm committing a murder I should have realized I wouldn't also want to cook they're here I can't wait for ruper to see how good I look it'll be the last thing he sees hi guys hey stey I brought rert just like you said yes and nothing else I see what do you mean I like dessert or a bottle of wine it's customary to bring a Hostess gift when invited to dinner I didn't know everyone knows that but whatever sit sit sit well how is everything oh Anton couldn't make it poor things brother has AIDS any who it is so good to see the two of you this is weird why am I here for dinner here what are we having um pasta Prim better who made this I made it I told you I was making dinner tastes like it's from a store well it's not you know you're making this thing a whole lot easier what whole thing I thought I could live with the idea of you and rer together I I really did I see the way he looks at you he used to look at me like that knowing he loves you and not me it's too painful and I now realize sorry it's been bugging me all day I now realize the only way I can go on with my life is by ending yours you're planning on killing me oh my God you poison my food that's why it tastes so funny it's from a good store I thought you said you made it I did make look we're getting off track here how much longer do I have there's no poison in the food Chris although that actually would have been smart wouldn't it oh damn it I'm sorry I I haven't done this whole Hitchcock thing before this hasn't been very Hitchcock in oh that you know then I'm just going to leave and and why should I bring a gift if you're going to kill me me etiquette look I'm afraid I can't let you go Chris Peter what is it I forgot to record young Sheldon oh we got a nice evening for this nice evening it's like the perfect temperature I don't even need a sweater wait what are you doing Stewie you can turn around right now and go back home this is your [Music] brother this is exactly how it happened in the movie how can you say this isn't like Hitchcock this is from The Talented Mr Ripley it's not a Hitchcock film it's not no it was directed by Anthony mingela but isn't it a remake of a French [Music] film this is all because of you Rupert you broke my heart and now it's your turn Okay rert so remember we sit through a nice dinner and then you go back with Stewie because I love my little brother and so do you you guys belong together so you do love me oh Robert I love you so much and I didn't want to say it because I I didn't know if you were going to say it back and oh what a fool I Chris [Music] [Music] come on he's my brother will you have to use a little tongue Chris are you all right please say something I don't think Jordan Peele has the talent we've attributed to him because of the lake water uh I said some things that I did not mean Jordan Peele is our greatest living filmmaker and Visionary both in comedy and in drama there is nothing he can't do good now let's make some twin porn hit me again and you got a [Music] deal hey sleepy head Stewie how you feeling pal uh okay do you remember what happened no that's the right answer well you have a lovely day and we'll see you when you get home I think we can get a heart from this kid oh nope he's up hello hello I'm Brian Griffin and I'm Stewie Griffin a few years ago we did an episode called viewer mail where you our fans wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes well it's 10 years later but you're still sending in ideas uh to Rashad in Little Rock we want to let you know we kicked around your idea make the baby go wild for a while couldn't really find an angle on it here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa Lee writes dear Family Guy was your show based on anything that's a great question Lee in fact family guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons actually Family Guy much like the office is based on a British series called chap of the man let's [Music] watch we now return to Britain's most popular game show whe of polit do go ahead then oh no you first wouldn't dream of it too kind really I insist wouldn't be proper of me I appreciate your courtesy likewise well we're all out of time join us same time tomorrow if it's not entirely inconvenient for you if so of course we do understand and we do apologize in advance this has all been an imposition I'm so dreadfully sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry everyone all right kids enough Telly I hope everyone's pish for some boiled lamb shank none for me Lydia I'm meeting me mates down at the pub again but Neville you spend all your time down at the fox and pig and dog and wolf and Cat and Fiddle and whistle and [ __ ] and that's where you're wrong the fox and pig and dog and wolf and Cat and Fiddle and whist whistle and [ __ ] is for tosses we're meeting at the dog and cat and bow and whistle and Fiddle and [ __ ] and pig and wolf and carriage and five and other wolf but I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth I found him with another [ __ ] in his mouth this morning oh is that right so you're fancy [ __ ] do you well here have a old coton of [ __ ] I just want a come last to look upon me with favor I look on you with favor I look on all of you with favor shut up British Meg look at Lydia what a two bit witchy tie [ __ ] one of these days she's going to wake up kill oh matricide yet another of your childhood whims no it ain't I'm going to follow through wait why'd you say it like that cutway sir hey that's good then friends family and characters random to bring you Joy and laughter in tandem to divert and Dazzle is Our intention so sit back relax and enjoy our invention oh I love summer [Applause] good evening billsbro coming up a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester but first our top story tonight Her Majesty the queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow with details we now go live to Indian reporter Trisha Das Gupta oh my goalie there is much commotion thank you Trisha after the interval find out which 12 football teams tied tonight the Queen's coming to Billings that's bloody sweet you know I'm actually a relation of the royal family you most certainly are not where would you get that idea my mom used to claim she was a windsor and I always heard my nana talk about how she took a Duke must have been a difficult marriage too cuz every afternoon she'd be belly aching about her bloody Duke I think you just had a gross grandmother no I'm quite sure of it and to prove it I'm going to niit one of the Queen's airs during her visit tomorrow and when the DN a proves a match you'll see arm royalty the queen eh I'd like to mash my Banger in her blood pudding Googy Googy glop hello Lads oh hello Sheamus right fine performance at the cricket match today a I was Spirited to have you down there watching me well it's a brilliant day for a long and confusing game of Cricket the field is teaming with men in helmets who don't seem like they need helmets and men not in helmets who seem like they probably should be wearing helmets oh he's batted it clear out of the stadium is that good we don't know but it's what we do y yay oh my goodness the queen is going to be here presently this is also exciting my favorite part before the queen arrives is yelling wanker at Prince Charles as he passes wanker wanker I know I know wanker wanker yes I know yes wanker you're a wanker wanker right quite right spot on he's got it I say a lot of people people have turned out to see the queen should make for a grand day hey watch it [Music] that good show old chap well played here she comes very well Time for Action a look of the Queen's hair shall soon be mine here she comes how about it then Cy this is a haircut fit for a queen oh bloody hell all right time for Plan B let's go I'm not going any lower well father you gave it a good go oh we're not done yet come on queen queen give me some of your air come on Queen don't be a [ __ ] get us away from that lunatic [Music] she's heading into that tunnel dear God the Queen's [Music] Dead all right calling S I got a here now just walk away casual like and we're in the clear oh no here come the coppers [Music] bu buer buer well it turns out I'm not royalty Shame about the queen though yeah I reckon she's with Jesus Christ in heaven now well I'm just happy our family is safe and sound back in our cozy Rous Ro [Music] house we now return to the Comedy Central roast of Robin Williams Oh man Robin Williams is my favorite he must be getting recognized for all his contributions to show business I don't think that's what a roast is Robin as a comic it's an honor to be up here roasting you as a movie goer I want to put you in the face oh that's funny Advocate violence and let's face it Mor you're getting now new now old stop it you stop it Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention how can you allow this Robin Williams has given us nothing but joy I wish everyone was Robin Williams boy that looks enticing yeah this is [Music] nice oh my God what happened you were in a coma and then I kissed you and you woke up like 2 days later anyway all your numbers are normal what numbers no idea well congratulations you're going to be just fine oh my God you're you're Robin Williams ding thank you for playing that's obvious tell him what he's won Cletus money money or as the Republicans call it mine I hope this is covered by your HMO I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco I hate my ashberry in these jeans ding ding reron ah you got all those references in here of course now everyone can afford healthcare because of Obama yeah you own a Band-Aid no problem turkey come on down to obam the price is free but your ass better vote for me H political with a twist it's funny from the news what's going on in here you got to check this out it's Robin Williams a nurse is a nurse of curse up yours Wilbur oh my God everyone I touch turns into Robin Williams yes Peter sweet cheeks Griffin you have been given the power from God I will be so responsible with this thanks guys bye see you Peter y all come back now you here it's Patrick Adams Robin he cures stuff the fun way not the medicine [Music] way so somehow the lightning gave your dad the power to turn anyone I touch into Robin Williams Peter did Dr Hartman say how long this was going to last there is no more Dr Hartman Lois he's Robin Williams now bet your kids never thought your dad would have superpowers HH Peter you Pat my back I Pat yours and Pat Robertson Pats Mr Happy yeah yes Praise Jesus with your Visa card Max it out on the forward people oh boy and that's the second Southern preacher won look Brian Meg is one of the sensitive bearded Robin Williams characters H you think that's funny Chief well I my wife is dead oh I'm I'm I'm sorry she's dead chief dead The Grateful Dead please do not take the brown acid it will turn you into a martian take me to your wiener will [Music] rocks in the tree toop all the day along anding and singing song All the Little Birds on J Street Lo [Music] Rob I don't know Peter this all seems kind of creepy what do you mean this is great everyone's hilarious now what do you think Quagmire what I can't hear a thing over this noise what this is unbearable I think I got just a thing to cheer you up Joe I know I said I was a leg man but this is ridiculous I feel like a testicle on steroids Honey I shrunk my nuts I'm a San Francisco pirate I hate my ashberry in these jeans a lot of the material is [Music] repeated Lois your torso is so Broad and solid you're not Lois I can hear you I'm not deaf I don't believe that's real sign language Brian this is a disaster I turned everyone into Robin Williams you got to help me yo yo yo Peter G what's happening dog sideways hat Robin dear God no going to have some hot tea baby this morning run forest run all right rubbert all we have to do is like Robin Williams and he'll think we've already changed H scattered stream of references lots of energy one good one for every 10 [Music] H damn these hands they I haven't been to Temple in a while ladies and Gentlemen The Doors ohing R for is run [Music] [Applause] oh I'm a Mercedes and where are your peers are you from East or West Berlin well I'm from West Berlin Pilgrim shut [Music] up stop riffing jump Forest jump must be a leap here [Applause] time to lose some weight Deary no more [Music] comedy all right guys will you please settle down can we can we settle down please every everyone everyone can I have your attention please oh captains my captains I have an announcement to make you are all free you have been fired from the school Vietnam is over the hospital is closing Will Hunting is all better it's not your fault it's not your fault not your fault your fault shut up shut seriously shut up please you are done here go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country wait not you five I'm going to keep you for an experiment eggs who came first the chicken of the porn star oh the porn identity who am I oh yeah the pizza manow wow oh Peter can you pass the coffee sure Brian the dog anything for my [Music] family I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin [Music] one St rise and shine good morning Stewie you you ready for the day sweetie oh someone needs a diaper change are you proud of yourself that that this is what you do is this a dime did you swallow a dime yeah wipe it off and put it back in your Pur you white trash hen there we go who's my clean little boy [Laughter] your roots are ridiculous I'm going to grab your hair cuz I like grabbing stuff okay okay Stewie let go let go Ste we let go on Mommy's hair when I grow up I'm never going to call you I'm going to be busy with my job and my family you'll be [Music] nothing Stewie I want you to have my ring it's one of my most important possessions and I want you to have it okay red flag red flag everybody [Music] hey Stewie want to go down the slide um what's the matter you never been down the slide before yeah like like a thousand times just done it so much I'm bored with it that's all all right I guess we're doing this whoa come on down Stewie this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy all right you can do this Stewie here we [Music] go are you okay yeah that wasn't so bad you might want to move that farting polish kid is coming down the slide ah pav [Music] [Music] Hey kid come here I want to see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth why don't you go hump a pile of garbage all right here we go classic uh-oh oh go Ryan Ryan yes I'm going for a ride why are we stopping oh come on the God's sake Brian is just a squirrel yeah oh God he can't hurt you anymore hey there little fella we sure got a lovely day for it don't we stay away from my brother's butt okay Stewie let's get that little face washed off then you can play with your bath toys huh no I hate getting my face washed oh look it's just Mr Frog hello Mr Frog oh God how the hell do I keep falling for that now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice fluffy towel steuart Griffin Explorer Adventurer skin diving International [Music] Playboy I'm swimming at night cuz I'm a [ __ ] and now I'm paying the price for it hey Stewie well looks like you got some cool bath toys in there is it okay if I join you no hey is that my froggy butt [Music] cloth okay Stewie bedtime in 10 minutes I'll be right back think I have time for a quickie excuse me Mr Cobain look I know you're depressed made some bad choices with women but there's another way hug andas lot of ha andas let's see if it worked here we go ha you're still alive you fat okay Stewie time for bed will you want Mommy to read you a night night story or how about this one good night town from Foot Loose good night flower Mill good night abandoned warehouse where you dance when you're mad who is this book for good night church where you slap your daughter good night Kevin Bacon's life savings that he invested with Bernie made off heyo wish I'm home from the clam you know what that means well you spent the last 10 minutes parked in front of the house crying in your car not now Peter I'm doing Story Time with Stewie yes scram drinky I got a story it's about the little penis that could it thinks it can it thinks it in fact it's pretty sure it can it it it's it's going to hey am I going to have to handle this you want me to handle this Peter just go eat in the bedroom I'll be right there fine but if I got to pee first this night's going to be ruined row good night sweetie mommy loves you it's big isn't it yes Peter it's very big yeah it's big oh God yes yes yeah oh you're going to use that thing good I love you so much hi I'm Peter Griffin it's almost oskan night boy we've lost so many greats this year including a dead costume designer who will get spillover Applause from the photo of Sean connory that directly precedes him tonight we salute some past Best Picture winners whichever ones I spin on this wheel the wheel has spoken The Silence of the Lambs [Music] what a beautiful day to not get bodily fluids thrown in your face and hair and now for some rock tunes to pump me up all right cuz it's the early '90s vaulting over a log jumping a water hazard climbing up a cargo net becoming an FBI agent is basically like being on Battle of the Network stars [Music] agent Sterling good to see you why is your face so big oh this movie is mostly extreme close-ups oh yeah weird anyway sorry you had to come so quickly but this thing with no timetable couldn't wait we need you to talk to a super smart psychopath how smart like he can do the New York Times crossword through Thursday Friday he can maybe get a corner or two so what's the job fancy creep beats people talk to them got it and this is a big deal cuz you're a woman we're not going to say it's a big deal but everyone watching will know it's a big deal cuz the time period even though a man is helping you now run along tots so you're in the FBI huh me too got this bad boy in Venice Beach okay all right you can talk to Lector now [Music] hello Clarice Dr leca I need your help no NOP NOP I'll only help if there's a quidd pro quill okay what is it I want Mario Lopez to record my outgoing voicemail message what you're insane he's a huge star at this specific sliver of time figure it out those are my terms [Music] sorry these capri suns are notoriously difficult to [Music] open you need some help yeah thanks I can't seem to get this giant 1991 computer into the back of my van careful I had it on for 20 minutes so it's very [Music] hot okay I got what you asked for hey this is Mario Lopez letting you know that Hannibal Lector can't get to the phone right now so please leave a message and now I think I'm about to be saved by the not good enough I wanted him to record it as Slater what you never said that it should have been understood don't test me me Starling a census taker did that once and I ate his liver with dry Cheerios and a mashed up banana sorry I'm just a little nervous when I was a girl I went to live on my uncle's farm and I heard these Lambs screaming screaming as they were being slaughtered it was horrible and I want to thank Alan why said William Morris also my High School Drama teacher Lucas wall oh they were just killing those poor lands want to save them but I couldn't and Mandy and Jenny at Hope go to bed kids mommy did it I am coming home with one of [Music] these CVS brand lotion it's the same ingredients as Nivea it puts the offbrand lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again the top isn't even a pump you're paying for the [Music] pump Dr leca we are running out of time I need you to give me some clue anything that might lead me in the right direction his name's Buffalo Bill heavy set blonde kid who lives in that crappy place behind McDonald's H I'll have to really lean on my button criminology skills to decipher these obscure breadcrumbs [Music] [Music] [Applause] coming up dinner but first I turn my back to a dangerous [Music] [Applause] murderer oh hey sge your wife called and said it was urgent oh uh okay yeah she she sounded very not happy you need to call her back ASAP got it thanks starting to think I did this guy a [Music] favor it puts its finger on the doorbell we're looking for someone have you seen her oh wait is she that great big huge plump very large rubenesque fat girl who went missing yes she is rather heavy and that as you can see not particularly attractive we've had reports that her personality is quite grading as well I can still hear you guys I'm not loving this night vision setting maybe I should try night at the rockbury [Music] vision you me you it puts the bullet in the fat guy and for having successfully scaled a cargonet and connecting two note cards with a piece of red string Clarice Starling you are now a officially a lady [Applause] FBI you should probably answer that I mean you're the closest thing to a secretary in here hello FBI this is Clarice speaking hello Clarice I just wanted to let you know that I respect you and how important it is that you're a woman thank you for for saying so doctor cuz if you were a man I would definitely be captured or dead by now oh I like if you're Clint Eastwood I'm dead Harrison Ford dead well doctor I really can't you know I'm not betting against the Twin Peaks Guy what's his name creepy white guy Kyle mclin Kyle MC clarland right how do I keep forgetting that it's like in my top five dude names I have a list Dr lecta I really have to go so do I I'm having an old friend for dinner he he going to eat a friend that was kind of supposed to be the last line and you ruined it I'm going to say it again and then hang up quickly I'm having an old friend for dinner what oh my God this [Music] [ __ ] my name is whatever Kevin spy's name was in this movie I bet you think behind that door is a happy allamerican family nope just me in the shower with Johnson and Johnson and Johnson there were some tears that's my wife out there cutting roses oh just a heads up there's a ton of roses in this I guess they're supposed to mean something you know when I agreed to this I 100% thought it was American Pie always read the second word of a title before you shine something oh hi Carolyn we're your gay neighbors that's right and we're the only happy people in the entire film oh that's the other thing this movie really wants you to know that traditional families are the messed up ones if you don't want want 2 hours of that go turn on The Matrix oh why aren't we doing that have a great day two dimensional '90s gay neighbors we both named Jim right who are both named Jim good morning my darling hello my love keep in mind that 911 hasn't happened yet so a strained family Dynamic is still the most dramatic thing there is wow what a beautiful fully heterosexual neighborhood yeah no what's up is down here bro hi you must be on new neighbors I'm Carolyn Burnham rema's top crying realtor in the area uh thanks but we just bought a house so we don't really need a realtor you don't sorry it's okay you know what we'll buy another one oh great great oh looks like your son and my daughter are getting to know each other check out this video I took of a plastic bag I'm thinking about sending it into America's Funniest Home Videos really do you think it's funny enough I don't know I just want to spend $2,000 flying to Los Angeles to maybe win [Applause] $1,000 that's halftime and now please welcome the Suburbia High School cheer squad the docker zipper pushers [Music] oh is [Music] [Music] that a damn it stop stop I have seasonal allergies guys all right now the marching band to play the Suburbia High School fight [Applause] [Music] [Applause] song jeez again with this song Shut up and kiss me other gay Jim oh no no I'm very against that remember that for later the next day I quit my job and was in no way run out of the industry for groping a bus boy in anet it was a joke I was razing the guy come on I got a new job at a fake movie fast food restaurant God why are movies so bad at NE and restaurants welcome to Mr Smiley's burgertown vill land would you like to try a large McIntyre yes my lover and I will each have adultery Burgers second window two adultery Burgers ler listen let's not make a big scene here we can talk about about this you don't get to tell me what to do anymore we need more ketchup all right there are some things you can tell me to do after that I started lifting weights in my garage but I lost track of a spider that crawled behind the heavy one so I had to use the dainty weights ladies walk with oh hey you got those drugs yep right here oh my God look at that plastic bag so beautiful do you do a the drugs yourself I do yes okay let me just get on my knees and roll a joint at crotch level like all drug dealers do great and I'll just lean back away from the drugs like all drug users do what the hell am I seeing what I think I'm seeing help me out here Mr Furley how did this thing win an Oscar it's basically Austin Powers yo yo check this what if like Kramer is just a figment of Jerry's imagination wow yeah cuz think about it we we never see him interacting with anyone else yeah w wow wait I mean we we do oh boy am I glad you're here I don't think I like what I saw earlier oh was it the phantom menace which also came out this same year yeah what a mess Ricky go on home I need to talk to Lester oh I don't want to there's plastic Pags there are hey you know how there's two things we know for sure we'll always be able to bring box cutters on planes and I'm heterosexual yeah of course Well turns out only one of those things is true look I think I gave you the wrong idea with these pink weights and pantomiming oral with your son I'm straight I'm so sorry I got to go start a mega church yeah seems right W hey what are you doing here I have a flight tomorrow and Jan said I could borrow your box cutter man I love cutting boxes on planes and also and this is kind of embarrassing and unearned but I think you're sexy and I want to have sex with you ah Sweet let's do this I should let you know I'm a virgin not a deal breaker and I should let you know I'm Chris Hansen from teat a predator ah crap somebody shot me sorry I didn't mean to whoa you're Chris Hansen hey what do you do with all the leftover pedophile Pizza well that was American Beauty see you at the Oscars I'll be there with my mom that's not a big obvious sign of something right [Music] how's work Ralph it's a breeze give my best to Judy we'll [Music] do hi my name's Forest Forest Gump would it be okay if I sugarcoat race Rel in the south for the next 2 and2 hours honey I'm a black woman in a 9s Hollywood movie that's what I'm here for great my mama always said life was like a box of Good and Plenty most people just throw it away one day on the bus to school I met Jenny she was the love of my life Hey look it's a guy with non-standard legs let's bully and throw rocks at him and not me run forest run and in a magical moment whose explanation I assume was cut for time I could suddenly run very fast but I happened to do it in front of the meanest lifeguard in Alabama no running it's for a movie God I was such a fast runner I went on to play college movie football where all the tacklers dive two feet behind you and Miss after after I graduated I joined the army and got shipped off to war Vietnam is where I met my best friend Bubba who really wanted to have his own squid fishing boat in fact he knew just about everything you could do with a squid well there's [Music] calamari that's about it Ambush oh my God Lieutenant Dan D save yourself C leave me here all right Bubba was also shot and as always happens when a soldier dies we discussed business ideas I'm dying Forest I want you to buy a squid boat in my honor how about a gym exclusively for big white women there could be machines that wow W wo you had me at big white women a after I got home from Vietnam I got to speak at a generic protest there's only one thing to say about Vietnam I had this awesome red stuff on all my food I don't remember what it's called it's not hot sauce but it's not ketchup I think it's got a rooster on the label [Applause] Forest Jenny a son of a [ __ ] see guys this is why no running and then I know it's still not over yet I bought a squid boat Lieutenant Dan was also working with me and you know who's super helpful on a boat that's constantly Rocking In The Water a wheelchair guy hey Forest I got our [Music] lunches so after I was rich Jenny came back and had sex with me one time wow that was great sorry I was name in president during so we getting married or what you don't want to marry me Forest yeah you're right okay well have a good night and then shockingly late in the movie I started running again like across the country several times the whole sequence is a full 8 minutes I mean sometimes this whole movie feels like it was written by a 7-year-old who just ate a bunch of candy but I checked it's just a regular guy anyway at least we were finally to the time in I nation's history when I could listen to [Music] this Forest I brought you chocolates picked over by strangers Forest I'm sick sick with what oh I did a movie about that once it's called Splash now Forest Oh I thought you said mermaids but I did a movie about your thing too but that's not all I want you to meet my son 6 hours in makeup one line you're his father father is he like me oh you died and feather [Music] [Music] fart joke sir you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony thank you shape shifting valet remember sir I can be any shape you wish yeah but you're already this [Music] so excuse me pardon me beg your pardon coming through nice to see you thank you for [Music] coming what if I told you you could accumulate all the wealth you'd ever want simply by learning the secrets of real estate wrong room and then what if you could use that wealth to turn yourself into a Broadway star [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome ladies and gentlemen and 14 other genders we have now I'm Lan Bergen the biggest star of May 2020 and on so if you've only watched TV up until April of 2020 my name would be unfamiliar to you Lan Beren what did Brett Kingston say no when the Dwayne Johnson Center for confusion ethnicity approached me about hosting this night I said it' be an honor to bestow upon Stuart Gilligan Griffin Our Lifetime Achievement Award when Stewie invented the wiess dump our rainforests were hanging on by a thread now are there too many trees ladies and gentlemen steuart Griffin [Applause] thank you for this wonderful honor it's so wonderful to be here with all of you you guys mind stopping for just one minute when I heard I was going to be receiving this award I I'm not the person who yells at waiters but maybe everyone busing tables can freeze I I don't understand why I'm the person who has to be saying this okay okay I'll never forget the first time am I wow really this award means the world to me and I want to thank everyone who anybody with a bow tie on stop what you're doing walk into the coat room and don't come out until I'm done talking I I don't yell at waiters I'm now going to stop mid sentence because I see someone from my Brian [Music] [Applause] [Music] so Brian how's Frank Sinatra Jr you two still hanging out no he died I'll never forget it it was Spiro anu's birthday wow so you uh really went all in with the Japanese screens yes I really like changing in silhouette while carrying on a conversation will you excuse me so how was your your flight it was uh it was fine I had a layover in Atlanta what are you doing back there just getting into something more comfortable can I interest you in a night cap I think I've got who is that a little privacy please what the hell was all that I have a lot of money Brian but let's continue this while I take a very foggy shower oh Stewie come on I haven't seen you in almost 50 years and you haven't even told me how great I look you do look great thanks to me I invented a pill to extend your life it's called seero what why aren't you going to say anything about the cute name I gave it ha what why I snuck it in your food because I wanted you to live long enough to see that global warming is bull crap oh my God we were so wrong about that if anything it's way colder now yes and now thanks to you we're stuck with President polar bear president polar bear is it true you ate the presidential seal that was a simple misunderstanding no further questions president polar bear did you do for a Klondike bar I believe the president has answered all of your questions here's what I don't understand why did you even want me to live this long if you were just going to leave me it's not about you Brian I couldn't take it back there but they were your family Stewie I guess I'm just not a Family Guy mom and dad always wanted me to be someone I wasn't Stewie Griffin get in here right now yeah well I just got a Christmas card photos you want to tell me what you're doing with your hands here nothing exactly nothing and what is the greeting at the top of the card say Merry Christmas and a shocking New Year and what is every other member of the family doing with their hands the Shocker right now listen Stewie I'm a cool dad all right I could care less what you do with the pink truly but the stink is where you get the shocking do you get that you get what I'm saying even if it's just one that's fine but you got to put something there I I think it's going to be fine I'm sure people won't even notice oh anyway that's why I left well that was a long time ago you have to come back Stewie Peter is dying what oh my God that's awful so you'll come see him of course you know he once asked me in the event that he was sick to clear his Google history Peter Griffin search history Winnie the Pooh Winnie the Pooh jacket Winnie the Pooh vintage jacket Winnie the Poo po lamman jacket we need a pooh windbreaker Eeyore jacket eore vintage jacket eore leaman jacket lactating pregnant Latinas wow huge turn there piglet pencil erasers okay getting back in there full cast win the Poo backpack oh cancer symptoms yeah coughing up blood pain in abdomen Winnie the Poo casket yeah he is sick you know while we're here let's take a look at your search history no Stewie that's Spiro agnu birthday what a weird thing to try to impress me [Music] with okay first stop Chris Griffin uh we have to pick up Chris yeah what's a problem uh we didn't exactly get along too well especially after Grandpa died and left me the dark boat house you can still use the boat house on non vacation Sundays in the spring I've always taken care of you Chris taken care of me you're my kid brother you take care of me sorry I came down here to vape send Chris off to do this send Chris off to do that I'm supposed to be shovel in the driveway I'm your older brother Stewie and I was stepped over it's the way Grandpa wanted it it ain't the way I wanted it sounds like you're having a personal conversation I'll put in my earbuds I'm smart not like everybody says like dumb I'm smart and I want respect Funky Cold Medina [Music] Chris you live in filth what have you been doing yeah I kind of wasted my life except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk what who's out there settle down just got some company well aren't you going to introduce me I'm getting to it if if you'll give me a second I want to have a look at them hey num skull that's how we got in trouble the last time he's really very friendly where's the the Juma juice you were going to get me never mind I'll order it on Postmates no you won't stop spending all our money so what's Meg been up to anyway she runs a small private security business out in the desert that sounds kind of cool well she basically just tests bulletproof vests ready one sec yeah go go go yeah this one can use another layer oh hey guys um are you okay yeah I'll be fine hi Meg bring it in hi Chris's penis how are you same spit different [Music] day wow look at kohawk light rail system gleaming skyscrapers and the but but somehow the same morning [Music] DJs on the radio and the internet and the or a new invention which lets you hear stuff right in your head without a device try turning it off you can't that's not all that hasn't changed Cleveland's still on hold with United Airlines [Music] I'm starting to think my call is not important to them your call is important to us thank you for remaining on the line all right you just bought yourself another year and Sheamus is still on hold with Spirit Airlines we don't give a crap about you but we're the cheapest so sit there and take it ah sea turds Mr Sheamus 5 minutes to Showtime Mr Sheamus oh I want to fly standby to Pittsburgh but I also want to host them up at show [Music] look at all this traffic yeah Brady bouard is tight this time of day you know what cut over to Brady on Brady and then take the Brady bridge is everything in this town named after Tom Brady oh no there's the Rob gronowski Library the only book is just a label ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle and look there's the Robert Craft Marina full of tugboats I heard he had a stroke I can't even get my bearings I'm going to ask someone for directions I wouldn't do that since you left the New England accent has become incomprehensible I'm sure it's not that bad excuse me sir where is the Cog Harbor Kaba what I just I just want to know where the Cog Harbor is kab uhoh there's a lot of guys in Bruins hats turning around now BR D the [Music] Brian get out of here go go go Christopher irisher Italian name are you causing trouble out there NOA NOA n n n [Music] n what the hell happened to the neighborhood hey Stewie here comes a double scoop of trouble well you look great considering your age yeah I'm basically exactly the same except I pretty much only talk about ice cream now oh that's cool that's cool yeah you know what's cool ice cream want to go get a cup cone Bowl I I'm just trying to see my folks man I love ice cream you know there's three different ice cream shops in COG they're all good what's your favorite they're all good so that's the Scoop from here all right well good running into you man oh my babies finally all together again hello Mother I mean uh damn you vile woman I must kill you etc etc did quag Maya tell you about the ice cream yes you know there are three ice cream parlers in town we know they're all good yes he said that they're all good have we already run out of conversation Chris Meg how are you good Ma how are you oh I can't complain little hot of hearing which is why I turned on the closed captioning it's about 30 seconds behind though wow that is way behind now what would you kids like for dinner it's 3:15 Ma I know we waited for you yeah we can go ahead and turn that off how's [Music] Dad your father's had severe diabetes ever since they opened three ice cream stores in town they're all good you can't live like this the house is falling apart this is awful and it's all my fault oh Pop I am so sorry I abandoned you all I never should have left home what can I do just promise when I die that you will help our family I will I promise this family will never want for anything ever again that's so generous thank you CR your hand all right now that that's settled let's celebrate with some of the music of now with close captioning Music Up Now Music up now Music Up Now Music Up Now Music Up [Music] Now good afternoon I'm Tom Tucker delivering the news with my Andy Rooney end of life eyebrows you won't hear anything I'm saying because they're so distracting now let's go to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa so we can be shocked at how well her people age Trisha Tom I'm standing here with flawless skin next to the shedding crumbling Dusty ancient relics of white people my age oh Stewie you've done so much to help our family I can't believe you put in an elevator yes and it even has elevator music a and thanks for these virtual reality glasses so I can watch porn while talking to the family so what's California like Stewie that was a penis so do you still want to know about California no I'm done I have one more dying wish Play the song but play it slow because I am old how everybody the Family Help Me dance how long I'll say when [Music] oh Dr Hartman thank you for coming well actually I'm Dr Hartman's son Dr harmanson but I asked for Dr Hartman his jokes are getting worse doctor is there any anything you can do for him now all we can do is wait Lois it's time oh Peter I'm going to miss you so much I see a white light there are others inside of it Adam West Carrie Fisher Ricardo Montalban Phyllis Dill Heaven is filled with every actor who ever died no this is actually just the ones who did our show right before they died crazy right Frank Sinatra Jr Charles derning Lauren ball Rodney Dangerfield Roy shider Wayan Jennings Ed Asner by the time this is certainly dad you don't have to do this there are too many uhoh Conway Twitty is here and he's pissed wait he's wearing the Darth Vader helmet never mind he was cool with it this is [Music] it oh he's trying to say something his final words lactating pregnant latinus I will Dad I [Music] promise no we won't cry for him we will celebrate his life the finest cigars for the finest family ever to live oh Stewie we love you so much and I love you which is why I must not delay any longer I must get my Affairs in order and transfer my money to all of you I will see you all soon oh thank you Stewie we love you [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] we did it we got him I feel like we're in the sting that movie from 100 years ago about 150 years ago great work tricking him Brian thanks well you know I credit my years as a writer when I planned the con I saw Cog as a character okay that's enough [Music] had a pebble in my shoe of course I knew the whole thing was a scam they probably did that crying turning into laughing thing when I left what a bunch of hacks they're too stupid to notice I snuck into the kitchen and turned up the gas before I left Chris should be lighting his cigar right about Stewie help it hurts reverse the pill let me die ooh I wish I could but the pills were in the house so yeah Stewie Stewie Stewie Stewie Stewie Stewie huh what what the hell is wrong with you you've been staring at that old man Halloween costume for 30 minutes 21 plus commercials but it's a big decision you know I've always been afraid of being old but now I think I'll like it just fine why you walking so slowly turns out this costume is about 80% balls and most of it's dragging behind me we got a tangle oh what do I do stop walking I'll go back you go forward are you sure it's counter in I know that does left you go right I'm just going to pull forward don't pull don't pull I think if you come this way and I go that way everybody freeze okay let's just think about this [Applause] people of Arena I have heard your cries and I just want to say Meg Meg I already told you you're not going to be a v you're going to be the back half of Edgar the farting horse now get in hey I do the farten thanks for bringing us to your company picnic Peter this is going to be so much fun yeah I figured it's finally time you guys put faces to the people I've been bitching about for the past 8 years oh there's charity 5k guy let's run lupus out of town huh guys C I work with Peter now there's the guy who scattered after me and was beneath me but now he's like higher up than I am hey Bob hey Darren thank you all for coming to today's picnic now for our main event the aerial ovam transfer or as it's sometimes known the egg toss this year as a special prize the winning team will receive a five night stay at my vacation home in musaki Maine with miles of trails it is one of Maine's Premier hiking destinations and you're only a short bike ride away from its quaint downtown let your cares melt away as you paddle across Serene Lake June Peter that place in Maine is a amazing it looks like a Steven King book before anything bad happens hi Gary how's it going how's Brenda oh she's great uh just alive super alive how are the boys yep all alive children and pets all alive and acting like normal children and pets that's great hey hey have you met that new stranger from not here nope see you tomorrow [Music] definitely Peter we got to win this vacation but there are so many other teams relax Lois I brought a hardboiled egg so while all the other teams are getting eliminated we can just play an angry dad game a catch so the school called to say they found pot in your locker you want to tell me about that ow I'm not sure what we're doing Peter so how's that summer job hunt coming I don't think they're hiring in front of the TV all day ow that's too hard you know what else is hard waking up next to a woman you no longer love try that on for size Peter they've all been eliminated game is over but I think we should talk yes the Griffins are going to Maine and if that isn't the perfect promo for the middle of a meaningless Vikings Packers game I don't know what is and the players have gathered around Clark and we can only hope that his injury wasn't too serious and we start to see some movement in those extremities and while we have this break in the action this Sunday on an allnew Family Guy the Griffins are going to Maine on right after an allnew Bob's [Music] Burgers a family vacation in Maine my monogrammed canvas bag is going to be so excited you said it Lois I can't wait to get stuffed with old sunscreens and emergency tampons yo a pool table hell yeah I'm going to be getting all up in that how does one get all up in a pool table and wow look it's bigger than I thought so many bedrooms yeah with all that extra space we can invite our friends along Quagmire Joe and Bonnie Cleveland and his family the whole gang could come really do you think everyone would enjoy it Lois do you know what's up in Maine Arts Trading Post ever since I was a kid I wanted to go up there to see the trained Bear show they ride bikes they wear Dracula fangs seasonally and then there's one part where nipy the brown bear pretends to smoke a cigar and I'm not even kidding I don't know Peter it's a lot of people Under One Roof come on Lois this is our big chance to yell at kids who aren't ours you know what let's do it I think Bonnie's gained 5 lbs and I want to see her in a swimsuit while we're on the subject of Mrs Swanson and swimsuits question if Mrs Swanson goes swimming then hangs her bathing suit to dry in the bathroom am I allowed to ring the water into a cup and do what with it irrelevant do not concern yourself with what happens to the water once it's in the cup am I allowed uh I'm going to say no all right well the guy from Reddit already paid for the water but I'll we figure something [Music] out I've been waiting a long time for this trip Brian to come to Maine huh I didn't think you were much of an Outdoorsman the outdoors can get stuffed we're near Kenna bunkport home of the Bush family compound and according to dowy magazine the very place where Barbara Bush picked that one haircut 40 years ago and never looked back see the perfect quaffed lady fro I hear tell that she brought a Quaker Oats box into the salon and said this uh-oh no pavement lot of rocks and Roots good thing Joe brought his new off-road tires I didn't pack the tires oh MS all right gang time to head inside now one quick heads up every room has a lake view except one somebody's going to have to look out over that girls volleyball camp next door nice serve [Music] Stacy what did I tell you Lois look at all those big smiles and Cleveland junr know what feet on the hardwood floor this is going to be a great week hey Peter will you call your boss for what I don't want to bug him already he wrote the Wi-Fi password in a font where the big letter eyes and the L juniors are the same thing I can't make heads or tails of it are you calling Preston ask him about the towel sitch I can only find three and you're going to need those to clean the soda off the pool table we already spilled on a pool table Yeah Meg was really getting all up in it hey Peter uh someone either laid a giant turd or tried to flush a russet potato down the toilet it's totally [Music] clogged and cl bark still unresponsive being carted off the field and into an ambulance this week's Family Guy someone lays a giant turd it's the single largest deficate I ever saw should we try flushing it again as a show of fors n Chris that'll only make it Angry okay here's the situation a stubborn BM is blocking up our main toilet I can't find a plunger so whoever did it needs to get in there with a dishwashing glove and punch it through so who was it say Chris that looks like a fresh rim of sweat on your hat wouldn't happen to be pushing sweat would it what no I was reading a chapter book Meg you're generally gross anything you want to fess up to nope I'm dogging it this month for the envirment that means I only go outside saves water feeds the soil turns a few heads at the same time okay this is disgusting does it really matter who did it I kind of like to know yeah we should at least make sure they don't need medical attention well I'd like to get on with my vacation there's got to be a plunger around here somewhere Peter come on help me look okay listen up we don't have much time it was me Peter I clogged the toilet that was you how was that even possible it was all that fibery Mom cereal The View told us to eat that turd has Joy Bea's fingerprints all over it but I I need you to take the fall for me I don't know Lois even for a husky guy like me it's shamefully large I know that's why I need your help that is not a poop a woman can come back from look you take the blame and I'll let you get two souvenirs at the Bear show it's not going to be like like like books is it no all right everybody listen up I'm the one who clogged the toilet oh great as if that little slug of yours isn't embarrassing enough sorry I have to make is believable so it's big let's let's just get through this [Music] huhg gg gg what the hell is happening life Peter that's what's happening I put together a whole itinerary of Adventures for our week wow this is very detailed 627 read 627 on daily schedule right on schedule hey why some of this stuff highlighted in green but my bear show is in yellow because the Bear show is priority yellow a a bear show would never be priority green all right as long as it's on there I guess now to put on a pair of shorts I never wear at home but packed for vacation hoping they'd magically fit vacation let's just pack the stuff for sure fits you guys smell that you smell that air Peter you still back there I don't hear you smelling that air yeah I'm here I'm just having a hard time on the one bike that was stored under the deck all winter instead of in the garage we've been at this all morning is it time to go to the Bear show yet soon Peter but before that the itinerary has us going to a must visit local market that no local has ever stepped foot in now be sure to put your bikes down in a place that blocks the path of people just trying to live their lives we're doing vacation really good you guys God I hate these stores they're so tiny so the owner is right on top of you the whole time can I wrap that for you oh the cut me you're such a tourist here Follow My Lead You know how it's typically rude to talk to people about their finances yeah well in a Small Town Market you can come right out and ask the owner if he makes enough money to feed his family you just have to do it in the voice white ladies used with people who don't speak English was it a good tourist season or will your children go without this business you've dedicated your life to is very cute to me isn't this fun Peter now don't forget to say bye like the world's biggest ass bye bye-bye bye [Music] are those Burgers coming along fine I guess well thanks for volunteering to cook I didn't volunteer everyone just called me Grill Master until I submitted spoken like a true Grill Master whatever hey everybody we got to eat quick if we're going to catch the Bear show they're kept on a robotussin and Zoloft heavy diet so they fall asleep pretty early okay I'll tell Chris he's down at the dock fishing there he is the bait master I think think I misunderstood the assignment well let's see what you cut I wouldn't look in the [Music] bucket sorry we closed 20 minutes ago what wait a minut if you closed 20 minutes ago why you just flipping a sign now owner said I had to wait to flip it until it would devastate a fat guy I told him he was crazy but you look pretty upset that's why he's the boss what's going on Peter they're closed that's what's going on and now we got to come all the way back here tomorrow oh we're actually closed permanently after Decades of very valid animal cruelty complaints it was easier to shut down than to keep clean and fake Peta blood off our clothes I'm sorry what yeah honestly it's a miracle they let us go as long as we did not a single license or permit for this whole thing one day we just started putting Bears on pogo sticks and no one ever told us to stop this can't be happening sorry you should have been here earlier for the bear flash sale I was strapping them to people's cars like Christmas trees see that guy got got one by the end we didn't even charge people we were just giving the bears away just giving the bears away just giving the bears away just giving the bears away sorry you didn't see the Bears Peter but Quagmire has us go and blueberry picking tomorrow maybe you'll see a bear then I do not want to see a wild bear Lois I want to see a unicycle bear in a fez you know I still don't really get it a bear on a unicycle it sounds kind of dumb it's not dumb it's hilarious and it's the only thing I wanted to do this entire trip you know if I remember correctly part of our deal was I get two souvenirs from the Bear show well I'm looking around and I don't see any plastic beheads on sticks that I can make bite things that means I get to tell everyone it was you who clogged the toilet Lois that was you but it had such a man stink you know what Donna going in the bathroom after you ain't exactly a walk through to Rose Garden so I'd be quiet right about now don't listen to him Donna we think your movement smell very ladylike isn't that right kids oh of course cuz you all agree on everything just a perfect family aren't you news flash normal families fight and like spending time away from each other sir sir I'm going to need you to calm down sir stop acting like a real cop Joe your right leg is in a knot yeah they got a little Tangled when Bonnie dipped me in the lake God I can't believe I thought it'd be a good idea to bring you people on this trip the only reason I still talk to any of you is cu we live on the same street and after this week I am seriously considering a move Peter Peter I'm sorry but 7:05 Sunset so I need to simulate more trumpet songs with giggity gigy gigy give me that thing oh no how will you distract yourself from the fact that you're going to die alone without your precious itinerary whoa ah son of a [Applause] oh my God the cabin's on fire [Music] Heavens hey thanks for coming out guess all it's left to do is get a picture of me in the truck and uh you fellas can be on your way God look at this place if Preston finds out I torched his house I'm screwed you guys we got to fix this face but I'm sure it's nothing a resourceful group of best friends like us can't handle right look I know Peter said some very mean things but what's important right now is that no one was hurt that's not entirely true Lois your reusable grocery bags didn't make it what your bags they were lost in the fire no no no oh you son of a [ __ ] Peter Griffin what have you done I will never forgive you for this do you hear me I will never forgive [Laughter] [Music] you well Peter you made it crystal clear we're no longer wanted so we'll leave you be yeah you can deal with this mess on your own let's go everybody [Music] why aren't we moving we got to wait for Joe to back out of the driveway cuz he pulled in last sorry if I knew you were doing a big dramatic exit I would have rearranged the cars this morning you mind if I wait till I'm all the way in to tell you off yeah that's fine shame on you Peter it is people like you who [Music] go all right Peter Don't Panic you got to the end of the week to fix this maybe there's an online tutorial it'll help what's going on guys I'm Corey from Cory's world today I'm going to show you how to patch a big hole in your boss's cabin here's what you'll need a drywall saw tape measure shoot what did I say turn off the power so you don't drill into a live wire like my stepdad Todd now our spoons move when he walks in the kitchen to do that shbl can't sing opera damn it Peter Focus your job is on the [Music] line oh toche recommended videos I know you're leading me down a rabbit hole to Isis beheadings but this was a bullseye Preston I wasn't expecting to hear from you for a couple of days yes well I realized I only provided three towels for the entire cabin so I'm on my way to deliver more oh you don't have to come all the way up here just for that unfortunately I do my OCD won't allow me to stop clicking until the cabin has 15 towels well I should let you go a new car is in front of me and I need to do math problems with its license plate [Music] number all right everything I need to get out of this mess is right here power drill level circular saw perfect how can Preston fire me if he can't get inside my defenses are down oh no he's here well I guess it's time to face the music what are you guys doing here we came back to help you Peter and it's not just [Music] us did we time it right did you say not just us before we pulled over the horizon yeah it was is perfect yes that is why we practiced in the Walmart parking lot but I was such a jerk to all of you why would you help me now Lois says you were the one pushing to invite us on the trip at all called us your best friends and we should have made a better effort to get to your Bear show instead of making the trip all about what we wanted to do yeah we left without any of our chargers it was just the blocks you know big whoop-de-doo but it was the wires too so what do you say can we help you fix the cabin Peter I'd like that now let's go chop down some ancient pine trees to save this Millionaire's vacation home [Applause] yeah the chimney has proved stalwart well that's Preston I'm sorry for what I said only true friends would come back to help the way you did and that's all it matters true friends will also stay to watch their friend get fired thanks guys I'll probably cry that's okay it'll make a better ticktock Griffin what the hell my cabin it's completely destroyed I'm so sorry Preston but you got to know this was completely my fault my friends and family were the perfect guests and they had nothing to do with it if you want to fire me or issue some main Justice and clamp some lobsters to my nipples I understand Peter you don't understand I ha it up here the small town Pace the pressure to relax the barn owl that pushed my wife down a staircase I don't get it then why have the cabin at all an address in Maine allowed me to establish an ethically dubious but technically legal shell company but now with the money I'll save from taking a casualty deduction on the destroyed property I won't need [Music] that hey Preston I know the cabin's a mess but we still got three days in the prize week could we finish out our trip here in Maine together I don't see why not Maine a day and a half is probably enough well we had our troubles but I'm glad we're back at home safe and sound Peter what are you talking about this is all a dream you had a stress heart attack during the egg [Music] toss poor Darren