Noita, or Noita, is the result of a Finnish arsonist asking himself How can I create the most painful experience possible? And to no one's surprise, this is actually the best thing to come out of Finland since Zamas. It's a roguelike where your only permanent upgrade is how much you know about the game. And you gain that through experimenting, you know, asking yourself questions like What would happen if I make my wand shoot a giant saw blade every frame? What if I break that giant crystal?
What if I drink a potion of lava? And they all have the same answer. You die. And when you die, you start over. But that's okay, because the game has that whole random generation meme going on, and, you know, every run is special and unique.
So sometimes you enter the second stage as a demigod, and sometimes the first stage makes you want to kill yourself. The main selling point of the game is that every pixel is simulated. Which is great, until you realize that every pixel on the screen can, and will, end your life.
That orange pixel you stepped on, that was actually lava, and you're now burning to death. You attacked an enemy? It's now bleeding toxic sludge all over the place, you included.
Also, some enemies bleed acid, which is basically just a more potent version of lava. Good luck. Obviously though, for every obstacle in this game, there's a solution.
And figuring those out is what this game is all about. But before we get into that... This game has an insane amount of secrets and content, and a lot of that is going to be spoiled in this video. Now, normally, this is where I would tell you to play the game first, and watch the video after. But the thing about the puzzles in this game is that the developers genuinely do not want you to find them.
I've already made a video on this on my second channel, so I'm not going to get too deep into it here, just know that the puzzles are just so extremely well hidden and just convoluted in general that solving them on your own is practically impossible. It's like if someone took ten puzzle boards with a thousand pieces each, scattered them across the floor and injected you with a lethal dose of fentanyl. So with that in mind, you might as well just watch the video. When the game starts you wake up outside a cave and that's it.
You have a jetpack, a couple of wands and a random potion. There's also some rocks that teach you how to control your character, and this is the first of many instances where you learn that firing your wand isn't always the best idea. Then we enter the first stage, the mines.
The mines is a fairly standard starting level, and much like you, it's extremely flammable. Now, in most games, being near wood and a lantern isn't really a big deal, but in Noita, it's a death sentence. So, how do we avoid burning to death? Water.
If you're wet, you don't catch fire. Alternatively, you can quickly submerge yourself in liquid, even in a pool of oil. Just make sure that the oil is actually oil and not whiskey. The game never outright tells you about these mechanics, but it kind of nudges you in the right direction by burning you to a crisp 10 saves in a row. Sort of like how the internet nowadays kind of nudges you towards getting a VPN.
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Anyways, video games. As you make your way through the mines, you'll encounter the local Finnish wildlife. You got some zombie dogs, some purple things, some zombies with shotguns, also known as 变雷队日常 and much more. Most of them die in one or two hits, but there's also Stendari, who has a shit ton of health for this stage in the game and bleeds lava if you shoot him, which is extremely lethal and will kill you in seconds. So just in case you haven't figured it out already, I'm going to give you a moment to just guess what the game is trying to teach you here.
What the hell? Spread throughout the level, there's going to be random wands for you to pick up. They all have unique stats, but for those to make sense, you need to know how wands work. Let's use this starting wand as an example. When you shoot it, it's going to fire a sparkbot, wait 0.18 seconds, and then fire one more.
Now it's used every spell on the wand and will recharge for 0.37 seconds. And that's it, not too bad. And then in this next example it's going to Now at this point in the game you've probably done more or less what there is to do in the first stage.
So you have a couple of options. You could go into the portal at the bottom of the stage and move on to the next. Or you could, you know, just explore. Because remember, there is no timer in this game.
You have all the time in the world to explore to your heart's content. So instead of going down, why not try going right? To the right you'll encounter a lava lake.
Now this lava lake is big, it's just big enough so that you can't just jetpack across. But with the help of your two remaining brain cells and a cup of water, crossing this lake becomes a walk in the park. So you cross the lake, and then you cross a wooden bridge.
And then you make it to an orb room, which naturally has an orb in it. The orbs are essentially Noita's health upgrades. So you know, the game is rewarding you for your curiosity, which is great, but you're forgetting that you're not playing a video game. You're playing Noita. I mean, did you really think you could just walk into an orb room, take an orb of true knowledge and just, what, walk away?
You see, the moment you leave this room, you'll encounter the first boss of the game. And his name is... Sauvojen Tuntia Hi Sauboy and Toontia, aka Squidward, has a lot of quirks about him that makes him really dangerous.
Whenever he's attacked, he gets a reflecting shield that lasts for around one second. So if you got a fast firing wand that disintegrates other enemies, That won't be enough here. He summons wands that generally kill you in one shot, and some of those wands copy your spells. He barely takes any damage from explosions, and he's immune to freezing, acid, lava, polymorteming and just about anything else you you could possibly think to choose him with.
Also, he periodically shoots homing projectiles in every direction that either silences every spell you have for about 13 seconds, polywars you into a sheath, making any attack instantly kill you, starts teleporting you around completely randomly, possibly into a lake of lava, blinds you for about 12 seconds, which wouldn't be the end of the world if it wasn't for the fact that... 12 seconds is longer than it takes him to shoot another pair of projectiles, meaning they can even overlap. So you can be blinded and silenced, you can be polymorph and teleporting, or you can be dead and dead. So with that in mind, how are you even supposed to beat this boss?
Well, it's actually really simple. You might have picked up on this already, but a lot of the spells in this game almost seem designed to kill you. So what happens if you make him copy one of those? And then, you know, you get your reward for killing the boss, which are two really powerful spells that just straight up kill you. And considering the solution to this boss, the reward is just fucking poetic.
You can't just not appreciate that. In the beginning of the video, I mentioned that there were going to be massive spoilers, but at some point I realized that if I were to cover everything there is in this game, this would literally be one of those five-hour Joseph Anderson-type memes. So I decided to only cover the early parts of the game so that you can get the gist of it, but you'll still go in more or less completely blind should you decide to play it.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the video and I just want to give a huge thanks to NordVPN and my Patreon supporters for bankrolling this video. And to wrap it all up, here's some Twitch clips of me being terrible at this game. Enjoy. Fuck this stage man.
It's wider than I thought I thought it was gonna be more narrow Anyways Tree health I'm scared I don't wanna lose this run, not like this Why didn't it trigger it? NO MORE ARRGH FU- It was the mana! Of course it was the mana! God damn it! Where's that fucker?
Oh, there goes my run. Okay, uh, anyways. WAAA- No! Not again!
No, don't do it! Anyways...