[Music] dr becky as they call you now let me tell you something you have this ravid following of people and you've got your latest book by the way i mean my girls are grown but I got to tell you I mean there's all kinds of nuggets in here for me so thank you so much thank you for the work that you do Becky you're making so many parents' lives better it's awesome thank you it's awesome tell me this real quick like how would you describe your approach to parenting for those of folks who haven't aren't particularly familiar with your work i mean get us inside of your high level approach i mean I'm a describe it in a couple ways you know first of all especially when I think about you and probably some of your audience I believe we teach parents to lead their families in a way that's very much in line with how the best coaches I would imagine lead their teams right and the best captains talk to their players to me it's about seeing people as inherently good inside believing they have potential and believing that your job is to set up the conditions for success and so what that means is as a leader as a parent I have to yes I have high expectations right i can set boundaries i know that I have authority in a situation but I also know that the best way to flex that authority isn't yelling and screaming and shaming and punishing we cannot punish anybody into learning new things it actually just doesn't even make sense to think that that would work and so along with that authority and boundary setting I have as a parent I also know that to do my job well I have to stay connected to my kid and I have to actually teach them skills they didn't have in the first place to get the type of behavior change I'm looking for and so I kind of call that because I think it's helpful to have a name sturdy leadership or sturdy parenting and I think it's true of sturdy leadership as a CEO or as a sports coach or as a parent right i set boundaries i kind of have to set up those conditions for success i make key decisions that I know are in someone's long-term best interest and at the same time I connect to my kids i see their experiences and feelings as real and I know my job is to bring out all the good stuff inside of them m yeah and and I love the way you talk about good inside and I mean just because it's it's it's this this belief system at some level that we're coming at things from this place that people are good inside our kids are good inside uh we as parents want to reframe moments to be good inside why why do you think sort of this good inside philosophy approach methodology belief system at some level resonates with so many people because clearly it does and you have a ravid fan base of people who are listening to what you're saying it's great i I think there's a couple things about it number one I think good inside as much as we get your attention about tantrums and sleep and sibling rivalry and rudeness which by the way definitely in my wheelhouse to help you manage we really help a parent more than we help their parenting which says a lot because we really help their parenting and I think the whole idea of seeing someone as good inside even as they struggle I think there's something deeply healing to adults that is kind of catching fire where if we look back on our early years and think about our hardest moments or honestly if we think about our hardest moments now as an adult yes we acted out or we made some bad decision or we were having a hard time but you remember what it's like to be looked at or approached as if you are your latest behavior and and I think there's this fork that we either look at bad behavior as a sign of who someone is or as a sign of the skills they need to build and if you look at bad behavior as a sign of who someone is you feel reduced in that moment like you feel like everyone thinks you're a horrible person ironically you just add shame and blame which makes behavior harder to improve which is the deepest irony of the whole thing but when you're at your worst you don't want someone by the way to permit bad behavior sometimes they need to stop you which is what a boundary is but when you're having a hard time and somebody looks at you and sees that you're a good person underneath and wants to help bring that out that is the ultimate form of leadership and I think good inside so deeply resonates as a parenting approach because it's also an approach that's deeply healing for all of us as adults that is such a powerful way to reframe particular moments both for us and obviously it changes the way we show up yes it's can I I want to say two concrete things about that because I I like to have concrete things so number one when someone acts out the fork in the road is I either look at them like they're a bad person doing bad things or they're a good person having a hard time a good person having a hard time to me is a good inside mindset in action right which by the way if you want to start to see other people this way we actually have to start with ourselves so maybe you're thinking "Oh I did yell at someone at work the other day or I wasn't at my best or I I had this awful play in you know my sports game." Whatever it was if you can say "Hold on a second i was a good person who had a turnover or I'm a good coach who yelled at my players just cuz I couldn't manage my own frustration i'm a responsible person who keeps being late you know to meeting my friends." As soon as you can separate your good identity from your bad behavior it is so much easier to get grounded and to brainstorm about what you would need to improve so that's one thing the other thing I just want to share is to me one of the best skills we can take is this idea of building our MGI when we watch someone act out we tend to use what I call an LGI the least generous interpretation right where again like maybe it's my kid where they are in a hitting stage and all of a sudden like oh my goodness my kid's a sociopath they're going to go to jail they're going to have no friends right that would be called and I can do it too a least generous interpretation of their behavior this the skill to build or the muscle to build is something I call an MGI which applies to ourself other adults kids sports field anywhere is the most generous interpretation of this person continually turning the ball What is the most generous interpretation of why my kid is lying to my face what is the most generous interpretation of why I haven't gone to the gym for a month even though every day I set my alarm early to go to the gym for the month right so as soon as we get in MGI mode we're inherently separating identity from behavior and we become much better problem solvers and so that's just something I want to leave you and your listeners with like that's something we could do in any area of our life just practice asking oursel what is the MGI and it's really powerful what comes next i I love that i once heard a woman say which I thought was really cool which is sort of tangential to this but she said whenever she gets feedback particularly tough feedback she says to herself first I'm going to assume that it's true which is so interesting right like because it show it allows you to show up in a different way and what you're suggesting too allows us to show up Yes very differently if we you know when the kids ask us what's for dinner and we say breaded chicken and you know and they go ah right what if we can sort of shift the way that we interpret that moment that's right and that's a good example my kid is a good kid who wishes we were having something different for dinner and if I want them to respond differently well yelling at them and sending them to their room probably isn't the best way like what do we think our kid is doing googling like more respectful ways to tell my parent I like other options for dinner like that is not happening your kids feeling misunderstood angry they have the reflection that we think they're a bad kid and then we expect them to act like a good kid like why it doesn't even make sense why would that happen m mhm so instead you would acknowledge the behavior and the frustration and then you would essentially sort of say "Hey well why don't you throw some suggestions out and maybe you can help me make dinner later this week." Yeah i think this is Let's actually go into the example because the the devil's always in the details people will say and again as a world we're getting increasingly bad at kind of nuance we go from one rigid side to the other so people say "So I'm not punishing my kid so I'm rewarding my kid no if my kid said "Oh I hate chicken." I would never say "Oh my god I love you thank you for telling me your truth keep going girl." No there's a lot between two extremes totally now first yes it is helpful to validate the feeling underneath the behavior big picture we can't learn to manage feelings we don't believe we're allowed to have we can't learn to manage feelings that we don't believe we're allowed to have and every bad behavior everyone is a sign of feelings that were bigger than skills to manage those feelings everyone so we have to level up someone's skills which we'll get to but we also have to validate the feeling validating feelings does not condone behavior so let me show this in action so let's say my kid says "Oh I hate chicken." And I actually use this example in my TED talk was one of the reasons I got triggered i hate chicken right and again we all have moments where we get triggered and we're like you're so spoiled and ungrateful and probably we just had like a bad day and we're just waiting to unleash on someone but let's say in the moment we're having like a good day and we can like sustain ourselves so my kid says this thing if I'm not punishing them I might say something simple like you wish there was something different but then I'm also going to say I know there's another way you can say that to me okay or h you're not in the mood for chicken i get that and look I'm taking a breath but there's another way to communicate that and let's practice that starting tomorrow but then this really matters whenever I talk about practicing new skills parents are like "But do you really mean it?" I was like "No I really do." Again imagine if there's someone who's missing every foul shot it's just so interesting in sports like I don't think anybody would feel good watching their kid miss every foul shot and then watching the coach say you you should know better you're supposed to make foul shots sit on the bench and come back when you can make them i mean why would that work now the kid's just more anxious what I'd want in a coach is someone who says "Hey even I'm taking you out of the game right now you're a little bit of a liability on the court we're in the end of the game and we need someone who can make their foul shots tomorrow let's get in the gym and let's just like I'm going to watch your form and and something's off and and I know you can make progress here and I'm going to help you i just don't know one person Molly who's saying "Oh my goodness that coach is really letting that kid get away with bad behavior they're basically reinforcing missing F." It's bizarre we would never say that we'd say "That's a great coach." Okay so in this example what would be the similarity i might say the next day to my kid like I would in the gym hey you're allowed to be frustrated about dinner choices we have a couple options first of all happy to hear your recommendations and have some of the dinner options be more in line with what you would want and also there are going to be a lot of dinners that you don't love and so we have to get ready for that moment yeah like what is something you could say to me when you don't like dinner that lets me know you're not terribly happy and is also respectful right and honestly when a kid hears you say this Mhm they they actually are likely to brainstorm with you because it's kind of like your coach or it's kind of like your coach saying that hey if you keep missing all these shots I might pull you out that's going to happen and what do you think is happening what do you think's happening on the line is it did you is it your form that changed do you have a talk track of oh my goodness I'm going to miss I'm going to miss it should we work on that like you know yourself well what do you think is something we could work on in practice today a kid is going to be more likely to work with a coach because they feel like the coach is on their team but if a coach says "What's wrong with you do you not even care about the team?" Right like "Do do you not think making foul shots at the end of the game is important i'm sorry now all of a sudden the kids's like "My coach hates me and now I feel defensive and and I'm going to have a harder time making progress." And we kind of have been parenting our kids this way for generations and calling it discipline i I don't know why someone said that once but it doesn't make sense it shuts kids down it leads parents to be frustrated and if we get into like a coaching mindset like we do of any skill we teach a kid in a sport we actually can see so many parallels in parenting m well I mean girl you know I love I mean I think sports is like a lens and a metaphor to about anything so you're speaking my language and I love it i think I think you're right i mean parenting is leadership it's coaching and it's leveling up the skills now tell me this right like my girls now our girls my husband and I you know they're 22 21 and 21 and but I'm imagining right both of us coming home from the office and what is your advice to sort of like somebody who's listening to what you just described which I think in an optimal world with a full energy tank is outstanding but like there's a lot of times where it's like what you just described takes a takes a little bit of energy y and time what what's your advice to like dude I hear you and heck yes in a perfect world I'm going to do all that but wow like what what's your so I have a lot of I have a lot of thoughts about that question okay okay because I I act number one I think as a life principle we either spend time preparing or reacting they're both time but however we tend to spend our time we just don't mentally account for it the same way so I hear this a lot Becky what you describe takes a lot of time like I'm going to actually talk to my kid about how to respond when they're upset i'm going to have to say "You're allowed to be upset i wonder if there's respect." Like that takes a lot of time okay this same parent I know if I was watching like a camera in their home i'd watch them yelling at their kids i'd watch them for 10 minutes having a fight about it I'd watch them not being able to fall asleep for half an hour because they feel so guilty okay so and and the reason I think this matters is I think it's the wrong question i think we say to ourselves I don't have time for that but but we're actually supposed to be saying "How am I spending my time?" And is that time working for me or could I be more optimally spending time we spend a lot of time in power struggles yelling at our kids it's just reaction mode that's really what it is and anytime we start to spend time in a new way it will feel like longer but that's only because our brain plays tricks on us when we're spending time in a new way because it feels awkward because it's new and uncomfortable that it feels longer but I would bet you it's going to be shorter the other thing is I'm a pragmatist actually talking to your kid about let's say what to do when they don't like dinner or how to handle when their sister gets an award and they feel really jealous these things can be done in a car these things can be done when you're walking to school these things i mean it actually a lot of these things take 45 seconds and by the way when you do this your kid's not going to say "Mom that was so profound like I really needed that thank you." No they're going to hear what you have to say they're going to say something like "Oh you're being annoying can I have a snack?" It still mattered it still sunk in and the whole thing took 45 seconds you know and I I love that and I think it's also interesting to consider i wrote a book called the energy clock because I think the other thing that is critical for all of us to consider as another layer on top of that is there is probably nothing that matters more to a parent than their children in life right their spouse their other things but I would argue that the love that we have for our children is so incredibly profound and so I would also sort of push on that and say why aren't we being remarkably intentional about ensuring we have the kind of energy energy we need when we get home and how do we expect the expected in other words expect for people to complain about dinner because it's just kind of kind of it's kind of normal unfortunately so expect them to not be happy and I think that at some level again I I don't know what your take would be on that because we're supposed to be expecting good inside but I also think we have to be realistic to know that there's a there's a high likelihood at some moment in the week somebody's going to push back on on something and how do we expect it and how do we make sure that we have the energy for the relationships in our lives that really matter so that we can take the time to your point preach preach across the board so there's a couple things I want to respond to there um okay number one just the specifics and then I'll get more general and more global that you say expect the expected exactly i think about this phrase all the time remove the surprise it's rarely a situation that we react to as much as being surprised by a situation and if you think about that a situation that's tough plus the element of surprise equals big reaction from us we think the way to solve for that is to try to not have the situation happen and so we do we're like "You have to be grateful for every dinner I make." Even though honestly like if my husband made a dinner I didn't want I I would feel free to be like "Oh thank you for making it but not what I wanted." Or if I expected him to give me a necklace and he gave me a slow cooker for my birthday I'd probably be like "Oh man I didn't really want this." You know so we can't really control for the situation we can have a lot more impact on the surprise element because I'm also big on talking to parents like what can you control it's not I mean I agree with you i want your kids behavior to change and we'll get there but if we're saying the only way for you to stay calm as a parent is for your four-year-old or your 14-year-old to do a certain thing that's giving a lot of power to your child and I'd rather bet on you because you're the adult and I have faith in you so sad so if you remove the surprise to me even just taking one moment and anyone listening to this be like what is going to happen later today or tomorrow that tends to get under my skin and maybe it's my kids going to complain about dinner that's a good example if you can say to yourself I expect my kid to complain about dinner and I can cope with that then and this is actually one of the things one of the things in our membership is called the triggers program because parents get triggered and I like a step-by-step process here is how you can reduce your triggers and this is one of the things we talk about here when you remove the surprise and you say "I'm expecting my kid to complain about dinner and I can cope with that." The funniest thing happens when your kid complains about dinner instead of it triggering you like you feel like this insanely powerful magician you're like "Oh my goodness I knew this was going to happen i knew this was going to happen i predicted it." Like you actually feel powerful yeah and that shift from feeling overwhelmed and triggered to grounded and powerful that's actually the shift we do for parents yes we get their attention from tantrums and rudess and all this thing but I actually think good inside is a place that parents reclaim their power because the worst part of parenting is you feel out of control and without hope and you feel powerless you feel like your mood swings based on whether your kid is a tantrum in the grocery store that's an awful way to feel imagine again like I'm just thinking the best coaches in the world don't completely lose it when their team is down 10 points like that would that coach like would not do well they're like at some point my team is going to be down 10 points and I have a game plan and we've practiced for that and I've practiced that and I believe I'm the best person to bring out the best in my team whether we win or lose I can rally them i actually hear from parents all the time Dr becky is it weird that I now look forward to my kids next grocery store tantrum because actually now that I know what to do I actually for Yes just like right i mean again the best coaches aren't afraid of being in a deficit they're like "Oh this is when I'm out." Anyone can coach when you're winning by 20 points anyone can parent when your kid is calm and you know grounded but knowing that you can crush the moments when ironically your kids need you the most that feels really really good now just really quickly what you said before how can we get yourself in this mindset and have the time and energy look I'm a busy person too like I I I need things to be super efficient right and built for me but I think the bigger question in parenting is why do we all buy this age-old idea that parenting should come naturally and I think I know why because the world has told us there's a quote maternal instinct it's just I think at the at the best it's harmful at the worst it's I don't know the thing that keeps parents feeling shitty about themselves i mean why would this come naturally and and even if there is an instinct again you know I'm thinking about in sports do you know any professional I don't know basketball player who goes I have a basketball instinct so I never went to training camp i never got a coach i just have and and I'm sorry would anybody draft that player into the NBA he was like I just have an instinct for things he'd be like you are undraftable you're undraftable nobody wants that player you want a player who has amazing athletic instincts and rightipet loves to learn totally totally they love to learn loving learning and having instinct that is the combination right um and it's so interesting i don't know why I'm going there for sports but I went to Duke and I've been reading all the stuff about Cooper Flag and how coachable he is i mean I don't think anybody thinks because Cooper Flag is coachable that means he's not naturally good at basketball those two things clearly he has natural basketball gifts and he loves to learn okay that is what I want parents to think that if we believe we should only have natural parenting gifts and not have the best learning and resources around us that is going to leave us feeling frustrated and without any energy to do any of this stuff if our mindset is wait I of course have some natural instincts but also this is the hardest job in the world and the only thing that comes naturally in parenting is how we were parented that's the only thing that comes naturally so if you want to do anything even a little bit different of course we need the same things we would need to learn a new language we need resources and practice and support that's so good and I think you know I always say talent isn't enough right like a kid I mean if you're going to get to the NBA for example to use your Duke boy for an example right who's obviously a complete stud but to stay at the NBA to stay at the highest level for a long period of time he's going to have to tap into a lot of other things besides his god-given talent no different than as a parent yes we have maternal instincts potentially right that which is fantastic however we've also got to uplevel our skills and not just rely on that quote unquote talent or instinct or God-given gift i want to just dig into resilience and sort of confidence for a hot second because confidence is such a critical thing I believe with kids and and I'll and I'll share when when my daughters were you know three two and two I my mom and dad I think are I'm not sure if there's perfect parents but if I could say that that that it was them I I would I mean they are incredible were incredible my brothers and I would both say that they're absolutely incredible parents and always have been so I said to my mom I said "Mom like if you could think of one thing for our girls like that is just critical to ensure that we instill in them." She looked at me on the sandy beaches of Northern Michigan I think one day and said "Confidence." She said "Molly if the girls are confidence they confident they can navigate tough moments solve challenging social situations be you know confident enough to be curious." I mean all I mean she sort of went on and so I I it really stuck with me because it was from her who I admire so deeply what how do we in I mean how do we def how do you even define confidence right and then how do we get started ensuring that we're building confidence in our kids I love this topic and I love this topic because you're also helping everyone like start with the definition we can't build a thing if we don't know what the thing is and if you define something in a way that isn't accurate then then we're gonna go off in the wrong direction and I believe confidence is one of the most misunderstood topics probably next to resilience and they're they're definitely related so I think we've been told confidence is feeling good about yourself and I could not disagree more and I actually think it's a dangerous definition because then in parenting we're always trying to optimize for our kid feeling good about themselves and I would say that tends to lead to a lot of anxiety and a lot of fragility um to me confidence is selfrust and I want to dig into that it's selfrust it's about kind of it's not about feeling like you're the best at something it's actually feeling like it's okay to be you when you're not the best at something and so I want to break that down in a couple ways like when I was at Duke I did go to Duke didn't you i mean you're a cookie girl i'm just saying trying my best you know well actually my example comes at Duke so when I was a freshman at Duke um there was a girl in my one of my seminars and she she was just super smart like everything she said everyone's like "Oh that's really smart i didn't think that." Um and there was a moment in this class where the the professor was talking and I just distinctly remember this moment being like "I have no idea what the professor is saying." Like I have no idea i usually know but I have no idea and I kind of look around and like everyone was kind of nodding and I just said to myself "Okay I don't know i'll just figure it out at the end." Okay and this girl shot up her hand and I'll never forget this she goes "This girl meaning you?" No not me this really smart that's what you were saying got it go ahead okay got it this girl sorry no this other person who I very much admired and she shot up her hand and she said this she goes and she looked around at us she's like "I'm sorry if this is you know obvious to everyone else." and she looks at the professor and goes "I have no idea what you're talking about for the last couple minutes and I usually do follow and I don't and it seems important is there any way you can just review what you said and describe it in a different way?" M okay that is to me the utmost example of confidence because what she was saying without saying it is I trust my experience of confusion and I kind of know it doesn't say anything about me in general or about my intelligence i am confident in my state of confusion i feel like it's okay to be me even when I'm confused to the point I am going to voice it in front of everyone else if she was optimizing for feeling good about herself she would have done what I did at the time she would have said nothing right and to me that is such a powerful difference confidence is selfrust so how do we then build that well if you think about confidence as self-rust as opposed to feeling good about yourself you actually see how you would intervene in completely different ways when your kids come to you first of all our best times to build confidence as for our kids is when they're having a hard time nobody needs help feeling confident when they're crushing things i'm sorry you just got an A on your paper or you just scored the most points in your you know in basketball or the most goals like you don't need help there but when your kid comes home and this is a good example and says this to you "I'm the slowest kid in my class." Let's take that i'm the slowest kid in my class okay if I'm optimizing for my kid feeling good about themselves this is what I'm going to say that can't be true or "Wait but you're you're so good at math." Or "Oh it was a bad day." I'm trying to take them from the experience of feeling kind of less than or sad and I'm trying to like bring them to the experience of feeling good about yourself that intervention I would argue takes away a kid's confidence because what they're really coming to me saying is let's say it's I'm the slowest person in class and and they're having a hard time when they're saying this to me but again if I can show my kid that I think it's okay to be them when they're the slowest kid in the moment they're going to feel like it's okay to be them so how do I build selfrust in that moment i would say to my kid it's very loud right in my studio okay new York City new York City that's the reality i would say to my kid first of all I'm so glad you're telling me this i'm so glad you're talking to me about this which is actually one of the most powerful things you can say to anyone when they're having a hard time because it gives them permission to keep going and then I would say to me the ultimate then I would say the ultimate confidence building words i think there's three words that if you want to build a kid's confidence or your own you say these words i believe you i believe you if I think about that girl at Duke she believed her confusion she didn't have a narrative of I can't be this or I don't know well I must have no she just kind of was like I'm confused and I believe it it's amazing we come out of the womb believing our experience when you're hungry as a baby you scream your head off and you don't care about who you're waking up you know you're hungry and then when we're an adult we're like is this right am I overreacting would someone else feel this way because we've been optimizing for quote feeling good or for taking care of other people instead of believing our own experience so I would say to my kid I'm the slowest one in my class i'm so glad you're talking to me about this they probably say "Yeah we did this race and I was the very last one." I believe you tell me more those three lines there's Sorry mhm i'm so glad you're talking to me about this i believe you and tell me more are three lines I believe get to the core of building true confidence because if you can tolerate your kid not being the fastest runner not getting a good grade not being invited to the party being the only one who can't read chapter books guess what they learn to tolerate that experience and they then become older kids and adults who feel like it's okay to be them in the widest range of experiences that's what it means to be anti-fragile and confident and resilient as opposed to when you're optimizing for feeling good kids become adults who feel like it's only be okay to be them in the narrowest range of experiences which is the essence of I kind of think the fragility that a lot of leaders speak to seeing well and it's interesting i mean would you almost say those three comments and questions those are applicable potentially to a leader with the people that you lead well literally the first time I talked about this on a podcast I was looking at this my husband is like you know you could really um repurpose that for corporate you could re He actually is like "You could really say that to me a little bit more in our relationship you talk a good game." I mean think about it think about if your partner's like "Uh you're always on your phone." And you say "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this." And they go "Yeah I'm like trying to get your attention and you're distracted i believe you tell me more about that." Think about someone saying "I deserve a promotion." And maybe as a leader you're thinking "You started here two days ago but okay." Right but if you say "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this yeah I'm doing all this work i believe you tell me more." By the way to be clear I'm still probably gonna say as a leader uh after I've done that look I'm on your team i want you to feel good here my job is also to preserve certain things of the company a promotion's not on the table right now i think you're kind of asking also what could you do and what amount of time could be eligible for the promotion let me lay that out for you right but now I've really connected to someone so yes your kid your partner work same thing you know you're you're you're playing on a on a soccer team and someone's like "You're always hawking the ball you're never passing it." First of all I'm so glad you came to me with this tell me more yeah I'm always open on the right wing you Oh first of all I believe you tell me more and then I'm going to do with that information what I'm going to do but this opens up the lines of communication and lets someone feel heard and more confident which is always the thing we want in our interactions yep yep yeah and you talk about which which this sort of builds toward connection capital and and and so when we think about what you're talking about right which is obviously creating an opportunity for connection which I think is fantastic what does that mean like and you're so good at sort of naming things right which is so cool but connection what does that mean and how how can parents build it right when you think about some of the tactical things around how do we build connection capital with kids i mean at the end of the day the only real strategy we have in any relationship is connection and I think another way I'm I'm big on kind of visuals and and formulas because I think it's helpful i actually think connection you could think of as a multiplier okay so let's say I want my kid to clean up you know the toys in their room and I think I'm doing all the things I'm reading saying "Do you want to clean up the red blocks or the blue blocks?" Or you know I'm kind of trying to make it fun okay if connection is a multiplier on the effectiveness of that then if connection between you and your kid is at a zero the whole intervention is going to be a zero now if connection is at an 100 and I'm making up these numbers sure you can do very little you don't have to probably even do red block or blue block situation because anything you say right assuming it's respectful it's going to be that much more effective and I think one of the things with parenting that I say all the time is we know what happens when you parent with timeouts punishments and sticker charts all the time when your kids are young maybe it looks like it works when your kids are young cuz they're scared of you but then your kids become like 14 and 15 and I've seen this in my practice and they're like "Oh wo i'm I'm bigger than my parent now." when I don't give two shits about your stickers and you can't put me in a timeout and we've lost out on 14 years of building connection and so we're starting at a zero and so whatever threats you have whatever other tactics you have if connection's at a zero we're starting at a zero i actually think one of the reasons for American adolescence being as insane and intense as it is by the way adolescence should separate from us they should have some hard moments but the reason it can get so awful is I think if you parent your kids from punishment and timeouts and just fear for 14 years of your life well they're going to reject that and rebel against it when they're finally big enough to not care and not be so scared okay so connection is all we have in any relationship and you know it from your adult relationships right when someone tells you something hard or you don't want to hear how you end up taking it in it's just how connected do I feel to this person do I feel like they understand me do they feel like I know they know my stories do they listen to me do they care about my feelings now very important connection doesn't mean I let someone else's feelings run the show it doesn't mean I praise their bad behavior that's not what connection is i think connection comes from seeing someone else as real and important and making efforts to be curious about them and to understand them full stop mhm and that's what really matters now I I just want Right so again I'm going to give an example someone's like "Okay so my kid says to me um I hate you and I'm not listening to you you want me to connect to them?" I love these right and I'd say "Yes I do." But connection isn't "Oh my god let's throw you an ice cream party." That's just like a thing you give someone you probably another example of these extremes that we don't need to Yeah totally i would argue the kids who act out the most are in the most need of connection that's why they're acting out so much they're in pain they're having a hard time they're kind of saying "Does anyone see me as a good kid is anyone going to help me?" Right like they're they're asking for help so in that situation again I might set a boundary whoa there's another way you can talk to me or hey I just need to get through this moment i'm not going to add more fuel to the fire and then I'm going to take a deep breath and look you and I clearly are not in a great place if you're talking to me that way and look there's stuff you've done but I'm the adult and there's probably stuff I've done and maybe we can carve out some time for you to share some things with me and I'm going to listen i don't know if you're right or wrong but I will listen because me and you have to get to the bottom of this and I care about you and you're a good kid and I'm going to put in some effort to figuring this out i am on your team i am on your team now what would I actually do after that first of all there's nothing as connecting to a kid as spending 5 to 10 minutes with them with your full attention without your phone no siblings no phone no interruption our kids need attention from us more than they need praise more than they need gifts they just want our attention and that's going to feel really low STEM to parents because it's actually very like less is more what does that mean well maybe your kids's young and they like to do Play-Doh and you're sitting next to them just watching them play Play-Doh you're not dictating you're not saying that could be an airplane you're just joining their world maybe when your kid is 15 and you hate that they play Fortnite it's actually sitting and watching them play Fortnite for 10 minutes and then saying "Oh tell me more about that." And just learning you're literally joining their world and this is what I'll leave with with connection because if you think about one and I'm putting my hands out for anyone who can't see me if you put your two hands out and like fists and you look at one of them and you say this is my world and then you look at the other and say this is my kids world our kids have to live in our world a lot every time we say clean up let's go time to get ready our kids don't inherently care about that they're kind of joining our world m and when we connect to our kid what we're doing is we are building a bridge from our world to their world and we ask our kid to join our world a lot i would say those are like connection withdrawals that we make and so if we're not making deposits if we're not building a bridge then there's no bridge for our kid to even walk over when we ask them to join our world and so time with our kid being interested right just being with them being playing a game with them for no purpose other than play those are all small and these can be 3 minutes five minutes it could be spending two extra minutes on your kids' bed because you know when you put them to bed that's the time everything good comes and just listening and saying very little except I'm glad you're talking to me about this i believe you i love you i love spending time with you that's it it's gonna feel very very small that's those are ultimate connection builders and that really matters what what do you say when you know you you hear sometimes you know parents say well I mean they're living under my roof i'm paying for their stuff so they're going to live in my world like I'm not building a bridge until they're like y or or a parent that's disconnected from a child like what advice do you have for for them to because I couldn't agree i mean I think that without connection nothing can happen with any relationship in life right that's right but what what what you know you you've seen it all girl i mean you've had a lot of people on your couch right tell me about how do you how do you speak to that how do you help folks that are going through that yeah and first of all I get it like being a parent I have those thoughts too my kid owes me an apology i don't care that I yell they owe me an apology you know I get I can get like very like toddler tantruming about parenting too it's unfair it's unfair and it's hard and it's really inconvenient a lot of the time it is and I think this just the first thing I'd say to that parent who's like "But they live under my roof." I'd be like "I hear you." Like by the way I have those thoughts too and it is so annoying to have to be the adult even though we are the adult right yes that's first the second thing I would honestly say to that parent is I'd say "Let's just put aside what you're going to do with your kid for a second." And I'd probably say and it would be like going for the jugular I'd say "I want to hear a little bit about what it was like to be a kid in your house growing up because what that tells me and and then I I get like hit with this wave of sadness for this parent i imagine us kind of talking about like this person must have felt so ignored and so small and so unconnected during their early years i don't care one thing about what that person tells me they remember if that's their reaction we think our memories are the things we say our most powerful memories are the things we act out their implicit belief so wow I think I've learned a lot about how this person was parented so then after that I'd probably say "Wow." So look even this model of parenting where by the way it's not permissive at all but yes connection is a part of it we're talking about you being a major cycle breaker like you would be the first person in your family to do that which would be like if you were spoken to in English and you really wanted to speak to your kids in Mandarin i would say that's possible but wow yeah that's that that is a lot and we're going to take it small but right so there's that and then I would just I would probably probably talk to that parent too i would say you know what do you want for your kids growing up how do you want them to feel about themselves how do you want them to operate right and let's just look at it like do you feel like this way kind of my way or the highway you're in your house i'm not going to argue with you about it it's right or wrong it doesn't really matter really where I'd start with a parent is it working is it working is it is it is it working does it feel right does it do you feel like it's giving you what you need or what your kid needs and if a parent said to me "By the way it's working." And I do think it's how my kid is going to feel confident and successful i I really be like "Why did you call me?" Like I have no interest in in connecting with anyone who feels like what they're doing is working that's not I don't I'm not in the business of convincing but if there's an opening where they're saying and there usually is you know it's not really working but I think what I'm saying is I'm so fearful that my kids are going to be entitled and snowflaky and soft i'd say look first of all those are my fears for children too so I join you and I wonder if there's a little wiggle room where we can see connection as part of an approach that makes for really strong resilient successful kids can we play around with that at all and I think that's that's probably where I'd start i love skepticism in parents i think when you're skeptical about an approach it's it's very close to being curious about it and it's also just a sign you really care about who your kids become as adults and and so I try to really work with that instead of against it yeah and you talk about get good at repair and and I think this is cool right and and and so what do you mean by that and then I think maybe how do you maybe there's an example right of how to repair yes for for parents because I I I just think being able to do that is so critical and for our kids to see us do that is so critical to drive the connection to your point I'm so glad you're here because I think we hear these things and I hear myself talk on podcasts i'm like "Wow Becky you talk a good game." Like does everyone know you don't do a lot of this stuff sometimes so of course I don't because I'm a human and my parents or my parenting is perfectly human like everyone else which means imperfect and so yes and this is probably a good thing to like almost end with for people to really take with them which is if you're going to get good at one strategy as a parent or as a leader in any system get good at repair because everyone is going to have moments where you don't say the thing you want to say where you're impatient where you're triggered where you yell and to know that that's your opportunity rather than the barometer of your leadership is deeply deeply powerful so repair really is going back to a moment that didn't feel good taking responsibility and talking about what you would do differently the next time and and what I think is really powerful for everyone to know is when moments don't feel good let's say with your kids again it could be at work too it registers in the other person's body they know it didn't feel good either then a kid has to make up a story about what's happening to feel good again or you can repair and be in charge of the story your kid tells himself and I can tell you what kids do when we don't repair they blame themselves that's all they do that's what they do it's all my fault i'm a bad kid and then we wonder why as adults we all blame ourselves when things go wrong because that's a legacy from our childhood when no one repaired with us and so what repair sounds like is something like this i'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen it's not your fault when I yell i'm working on staying calm even when I'm frustrated i'm sure that felt bad you're a good kid and I love you and just to get ahead of what people say but isn't it their fault i mean they did complain about dinner nobody's complaints or behavior makes us yell how we respond has to do with our skills of managing our own emotions and that predated our child's existence and just to drive this home the reason you never want to apologize by saying like I'm you know but if you didn't complain I wouldn't have done that i always think how we react to our kids becomes how they react to themselves and to others i always just picture and it's so creepy like what if one day I'm in my son's house and let's say he's married and someone comes home and they're like "You forgot the paper towels you always forget." And if then I hear my son say "Look I'm sorry I yelled but if you didn't forget the paper towels," I wouldn't have yelled i'd have been like "Oh my goodness that is a toxic relationship." And but if that's how I repair why wouldn't my son or daughter quote so no you take responsibility for your part and that is one of the things that helps your kid do the same so that is a repair and when you repair it's actually another form of massive connection building and it's so relieving you don't carry around this guilt and this and just in case anyone's wondering it is never too late you can repair today with your kid for something small you can repair for something big like hey I was listening to this podcast and I think whenever you acted out in your younger years I did just send you away i sent you to your room and that probably felt really bad and I think I didn't know any better but I'm learning now and I just wanted to tell you that and I love you i mean that think about how many of us would love to hear that from our parents now so it's never too late repair is the ultimate strategy and when you do repair I'll just leave you with this whenever I repair I always tell myself okay I'm supposed to get really good at repair well if I'm going to get good at repair I have to yell and mess up that's the only way to repair and so when I am about to repair I tell myself "Wait Becky I'm trying to get good at repair." Step one is yelling crushed it like crushed it did that right don't they always say Molly the first step is the hardest step like pat on the back i already did the hardest step i yelled okay now I set myself up to do this thing that's going to be so powerful between me and my kid i can do that i'm not Again and we're going to go back to how we started i'm a good person who yelled i'm not a monster i'm a good parent who is having a hard time with that in mind I can repair and that is so powerful between you and your kid yes yes so and I'm going to tell my team real quick to to tee up this but do you have three more minutes five more minutes i have like a minute i'm late i'm supposed to be somewhere at 12:45 yes okay okay oh sners okay cool okay let me hit you with I'm gonna hit you with rapid fire real quick and then we'll run okay let's do it let's do it super fast all right cool becky what's a book what's a book that every parent should read in addition to Good Inside i mean I really would say Good Inside because I think it'll help you in every area other than parenting too and as a busy parent I think we're too busy to learn one thing that only helps us in one area i think every parent should also read something by Richard Schwarz who's the author of internal family systems i think his understanding of how the brain works and how the mind works um will be both deeply insightful for you and deeply helpful what's the one thing that parents shouldn't worry too much about and what's the one thing that parents don't worry too much about i think when something happens with our kid we do this thing called a fast-forward error we see our kid shy and we fast forward oh my goodness they're never gonna have friends we see our kid hit oh my goodness they're a sociopath and I I call that the fast forward error because we get caught up in the future and then we respond today with all the anxiety we have about 20 years from now so I think my answer to that question is notice the fast forward error come back and just say what is going on with my kid today what is my most generous interpretation and what skills does my kid need to build today and then the future will take care of itself yeah I love it what about that they don't worry about enough um I think the thing parents don't worry about enough is themselves is like hey I am a person under a parent also I have been set up to think this parenting thing should come naturally and if I kind of look at that narrative with skepticism and a healthy amount of anger I think what I need to worry more about is do I know my role do I feel supported do I have kind of the continuing education around me that any parent you know should have and I think that's the area of focus I would put point parents to so the show is called Game Changers who or what is a game changer who inspires you and why um who is a game changer and who inspires me and why such a good question i mean a couple people come to mind um I love my my leak teal she is one of the most inspiring people around leadership and truthtelling and the power of community i've learned so much from her so she's high on my list um who else is a game changanger i mean honestly I want to shout out every single person working at Good Inside i really do because I think what people don't know and I want them to know is yes we want to give you a different approach to parenting but what really really about at Goodside is giving you a whole ecosystem i believe parents should have the most sophisticated products and that's why we have our app we believe you should have the most sophisticated technology to help making parenting a little easier we have technology for everything why shouldn't we have what feels like a parent coach at our fingertips and when I think about the people working at good inside what they're saying is I want to take all my talents whether it's engineer engineering digital product operations all the data content like all the different things people do and say and I want to say that my life's work is changing the narrative and elevating parenting they're game changers that is awesome and there's so much more that we could talk the digital age right selfcare and so people got to check out your book it's incredible i really really love my book all your other stuff go to goodinsside.com that's just the home for everything that's where you can get an email from me where I talk about these things every week that's where you can find the podcast the book our membership it's all there it's the hub and there's so many different things right good.com yes that's it goodside.com got it dr becky you rock this was super fun this was so much fun thank you Molly heat heat [Music]