Hilarious Stand-Up Comedy Insights

are you [Applause] [Applause] guys yes yes yes yes yes yes y [Applause] s yes we are going to have a relationship tonight I'm going to go out with you we're going to date for a while we're going to make sweet sweet comedy love with each other and and then suddenly without warning I'm not even going to call you guys anymore the last thing you will have heard me say is hey I'll call you guys later and I never call but you hear through the grape vine I'm dating a younger sexier crab and then I'm really happy but I'm not happy cuz I think about you guys and about a year from now I'm going to call weeping in the middle of the night you were the best crowd I ever had you really listen to me and I didn't know the crowd I had till you dispersed then we're going to get together we're going to hang out maybe we'll all like you know run around town and smash windows and cause destruction and I'll make jokes and one of you guys will turn and be like Dane you're right and I'll go I'm a riot you're a riot get [Applause] it that's how things are going to go down tonight 3 weeks ago one of my dreams came true I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live I finally saw someone get hit by a car nail this guy got hit right in the hip that's your center of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air like Eddie Gordo from Tekken when someone doesn't know how to do Combos and they're just hitting the buttons [Applause] randomly I always just miss it right I'm looking and then I go to order my Twisty Cone oh what what happened the guy got hit no I just went to order my Twisty Cone and I missed it this guy gets nailed this is the setup he's walking down the street and he's doing that wacky speed walk he's got the buds in his ears and I don't know what you're listening to that makes you do this walk maybe just a tambourine or Maracas you're just so Johnny tambourine is walking down the street he's got the not a good time to cross signal as he's going across I see the car coming down the street when I see the car coming I'm like yes finally don't talk to me don't talk to me I got to see this the guy goes flying into the air his shoes flew off when you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off sometimes your pants will come off but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike and before I go any further here's the best part this is how he lands on the other side of the car which was a Dodge by the way and I thought that was kind of funny and ironic I just I got a little humor out of [Music] that I did try to help this man as the car was coming towards him I reached out and I said oh that's all I could think of to say there's so many things now in retrospect that I would love I'd love to have been like you're about to get struck by a vehicle I did not have time to say you're about to get struck by a vehicle so I went with oh which is like a concerned moan the guy gets tagged okay the greatest part of the story he's in the air flipping around this is how he lands on the other side of the car he comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air and he starts walking around embarrassed he's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit by a car people around him are like oh my God oh my God are you all right are you okay he's like I'm fine I'm fine seriously I'm fine I'm a little bit hungry but uh other than that I'm fine no you should really sit down you're bleeding from the ears I know I know that I do that every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head it's tradition of my family has anyone seen my shoes I kicked them off in a fit of joy I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of Joy I'm fine I'm just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush [Applause] we laugh but we love violence in this country we like violence we have those little violent tendency I'm not the only person I know you're like me when you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt you just want to shoot them in the chest when they start to bleed go I guess not don't wear the shirt wear a shirt that says I bleed if if you shoot me in the chest plate and I will not shoot you in the chest plate super bleeder I called him super beder there are some things that I have learned uh in my recent past that I'm excited to share with you tonight and one thing I've realized is we all want to leave behind a legacy we all want to be remembered for something and I was thinking about it going how can I be remembered and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily basis even if it's one-on-one with people like for example the other day I saw a young boy and he was eating an ice cream cone I ran up I smashed it into his face I leaned in I go you remember me forever and I ran away cuz you know when he's 50 he's going to be like one day a man ran up to me I did not know this man he smashed my treat into my eyes and he pointed and he said You remember me forever but I did not say I did not say that he added to make the story more intense and interesting he deserves to have ice cream smashed in his face cuz he's a lying 50-year-old man I did not say Pete deserves ice cream smashed in and around his eyes here's another way to be remembered again and this one this is more personal it's more for you because nobody's ever going to know that it was you but you'll know and that's all that matters next time you go to a party a great big party go into the room where all the coats are on the coats guaranteed at some point somebody's going to walk out of that room and go someone on the coats someone has on the coats that's the only thing you can say when someone shits on the coat someone on the coats they might say I think someone on the coast but you know you're just afraid to me the bearer of bad news I think someone may have on or around the coat area there's a smell of around the perimeter the vicinity of coats leading me to believe someone has [Applause] but again you're there you're there watching it all happen and it's your job all you're going to do at some point you're going to lean in and go what and then blend back into the crowd what I hope it wasn't on my coat and then boom you're a phantom disappear disappear one thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little I've always wanted to be abducted by UFO yeah sometimes I just go hang out in the woods I'm just waiting for that blue light that's how they suck you up by a beam of light they suck you up by your chest and that's not necessary throw a rope ladder down I'll climb up I'm interested I'm here for you don't suck me up by my chest that hurts you're a hovering crack why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a [Applause] minute it' be great to be abducted what did you guys do this weekend dude we got hammered it was awesome oh yeah I was abducted I was zipping around the [Music] Galaxy sometimes when I think about if UFOs come down I get a little concerned because then I thought of this scenario this would be the ultimate full circle slap in the face of the United States what if this happens because look we're the the greatest country on Earth but we get a little cocky from time to time if we don't like the way your country is doing its business we'll kick the door in hey hey knock it off you're bugging the world cut it out and if you don't listen to us then we'll throw all kinds of weapons and crazy at you which we always apologize about using 20 or 30 years later listen we're really sorry about that we were a little drunk at the time and we got a little rambunctious the bomb we didn't know it was going to do that we thought it was a contain blast and we didn't know it would make everything blown to smiing and you were being kind of a country country you are being kind of a are we cool now do you mind if we leave like 3 4,000 troops and maybe some supplies here you don't mind that do you do you mind you wouldn't want us to get drunk again would you high five us photo op we get a little we get a look cocki what if this happens oh my God what if this Happ what if the mother's sh comes over Middle America and we're all sitting watching TV all the news crews are focused in and we're sitting there watching right what if when the hatch is finally open out of the UFOs come thousands of 100 foot Native American [Applause] Indians we're going to be watching like those are huge Indians please tell me they're not giant Indians God damn it they're huge Indians all right good game America we had some fun huh hi giant Indians we did some and ah could you show us how to make giant corn I've always wanted to uh uppercut a punk ass and send him flying onto a table preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it and that would break and this would take place at a party dance Gala event this is a direct quote that I want to receive someday from someone and I want them to mean it when they say this and I don't know what it is yet but I want this reaction are you out of your mind [Applause] and then I want to do whatever the action is and then I want them to follow that up by saying you really are out of your mind maybe shove some fireworks in my pants hey hey are you out of your mind you really out out of your mind oh he just L Fireworks off in his pants he really is out of his mind that would be great this is another one too and I know you're like me I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway you're just sitting comfortably watching TV you hear a car who's this it's so disruptive you look out strange car you don't know if it's a government official you start getting concerned what I don't know this car then they turn to leave you're like you son of a you wasted moments of my life moments I will never get back someday oh I'm going to run out to that car I catch them before they leave knock on the window make them roll down and go you ever turn around on my driveway again I'm going to cut your head off I'm going to put your head on my antenna and drive around with your head on my antenna and hopefully I'll get a twofer and the person will go are you out of your mind then I pull out a switchblade they go you really are out of your mind and I go Zang [Applause] Dam I hope they never come back and try to turn around in that driveway again cuz then I'll be in the window like damn it I got to cut this guy's head [Music] off there are certain sounds in this world that when you hear them they make you react in different ways there are certain sounds that when it floats into your eardrum and it goes High into your cerebellum located near your limic system you hear the sound you react in a certain way some sounds soothing right you hear like the sound of a Babbling Brook maybe the sound of the dryer with the [Applause] towels that was a horrible impersonation of I know I'm not don't me it was that was bad that's the best I can do I'm laundry and a [Applause] dryer it's like haunted laundry in there but then there are certain sounds in this world that for whatever reason just the way it hits you it makes you want to punch a baby it makes you want to punch a baby God forbid you're in a nursery when you hear the sound you go on a baby punching tangent you will start [Applause] punching God help me it's the sound that makes me punch infants I love it when it's late at night and you're in bed and you're nice and cozy you're watching your favorite shows from me Justice files that's my favorite show I'm glad you appreciate it like I do people say d why do you love the show it's simple because I love Justice and I love files and when the two come together I could blow a jusy load I could blow a Justice e filey load it's late at night and you're laying there and all of a sudden outside you hear a car alarm go off for like 46 minutes you're just laying there that's my favorite part right there I love it I get inspire tired I walk around my house in fact one night I wrote lyrics now every time I hear one I stand on my bed I'm like hello I'm a car guas only makes me run back seat trunk space hello let's go for ride oil is my blood seed Bel rage your [Music] [Applause] knobs I don't care if you laughed at that or not next time you hear that you're going to be like that Dan Cook is a silly he got me feet Bel Christ I was talking to this girl the other day and uh she said all guys want is sex and I go listen finish blowing me and we're going to talk about this [Applause] [Music] later that's a lie I just said that cuz it was funny she actually said that she goes that's all guys want D is sex and I said to her nay I said there's other things that guys want besides sex we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but I'm putting it out in the universe so that you can respect and understand us for who we are as men for example any guy here more than sex if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist [Music] you know every time you watch the movie Heat you're like I want to do that you just want to be running down Main Street with an AK-47 where's the van the van was supposed to be here we want that guy on the computer who's like give me a minute I just need one more minute dude I need one more minute to hack into the main frame I'm in Friendster they rerouted me into friend I need a minute where's the van there's always that guy on the team too he was a last minute replacement he's not one of the original gang but one of the other guys vouches for him no no dude trust me this guy's cool he's solid and he's cool but he's not cool is he he doesn't really say anything ever right he just stands there looks cool and then at one point he might be like let's kill these I want to be a part of a heist and I want to get shot right here in the back of my leg oh it stings but it still makes me feel kind of cool I just I keep looking at the blood going no no no no bleeding from the leg where's the fan we want to be a part of a heist and then there's something else that we want even more than the heist even more than sex any guy here would love to have a monkey a pet monkey and people get mad sometimes you say oh I'd love to have a monkey and there's always that one anti-monkey person in the area they overhear you excuse me I heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey and that's a horrible idea you do not want a monkey you do not want a monkey they're a monkey expert and they start listing off all the reasons you can't have a monkey let me tell you a few things if I could just have a minute can I just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you don't know before you jump to your conclusion okay it's more than just bananas and dancing with toothbrushes okay first of all they crap in their own hand and they throw it around in a festive manner like they a celebration of monkey poop and they make faces that are unacceptable in society I hear these things and I'm like that's why I want a monkey all those reasons I don't want a nice little quiet monkey I want an evil monkey that I can dress in armor give him a sword have fights with them inside my place how pumped would you be driving home from work knowing some place in your house there's a monkey you're going to battle that's awesome you walk in Monkey you here where are you I'm in your closet holy you just talked I Tau myself to talk this is incredibly odd I know let's fight okay this would be the ultimate What if after the heist you jump into the van and the monkey is driving the van get him we got to go we got to go we got to [Applause] go [Music] makes me sad because I know it'll never happen I made some upgrades in my life sometimes you have to upgrade your life there are things that you need to do you need to invest in yourself in your soul I wanted to get a new vehicle and I was thinking what do I want to get and I'm talking to my buddies and I'm like what do you think what should I get what's something badass that when I'm driving around I'll feel like a ba that's a badass I shortened it and I wanted some suggestions what would make me feel like a badass a BF a b again I just shortened [Music] everything you know nobody says I'm going to go buy a new car that makes me look like a shitthead something dilapitated that when I'm driving around people point and laugh at me in my existence so I was talking to my friends and I was like what do you think guys what should I get that's ba that I'm going to feel cool driving around and my friends were making suggestions you should get a Hummer two get one of those H2S man that's badass and I looked at my friends and I said I don't want a Hummer two because people already have that and I don't want something that people already have so this is what I went out and got and it's working out awesome I've been driving around a cement truck I put neon underneath I get 50in rims that I made myself in my basement out of aluminum foil and ornament yeah and you know that big thing that turns in the back my buddies are in there rolling around I patted it don't worry I patted it they have a blasty back there they love it I throw treats in the back I throw Jolly Rancher watermelon candies and they suck on treats and they roll around while I drive the CT 2004 that's what I call it I'm going to put my foot down I'm going to make a stance right now I'm going to say this watermelon is the only good flavor of Jolly Rancher candies I will say that thank you for agreeing with me if you say sour apple I will stab you in the jaw sour apple sucks if you believe that sour apple is good you meet me in the lobby after the show I'll be the guy stabbing Jaws there's not too many of us out there just look for the guy stabbing Jaws that's me come up and say hello and I'll stab you in the jaw thinking about my future start thinking about my dream housee gosh can't wait everybody's got a dream house the house of your dreams you lay in bed and you dream about it all the fascinating items that you'll have someday and it can be anything you want dreamers anything maybe instead of hallways you want canals that you swim down maybe the bottom of your cereal bowl you want mirrors so can say hello to yourself after you drink the milk hi me dream it you dreamers it's your dream house maybe you flush the toilet and the toilet goes thanks for me I enjoyed your why not it's your house I have my dream house and here it is right here I've always wanted a mystery house ever since I've been young I'm going to have it someday too if I'm having a party I want that giant bookshelf that I can go up to and when no one's looking I pull the big green book all of a sudden I'm in a lab with bun and burners going I've got Elixir and schematics I don't even know what schematics are but I want them back there cuz I know schematics belong in Labs I love that I even love that Creek I'm not even going to WD40 the sound out I want the ambiance secret hallways that you have to run around like this you never make secret hallways normal height so it's convenient they have to be almost uncomfortable like why the did I build them like this where's my lab oh I've always wanted to be able to look through pictures eyes I can't wait to have a lot of pictures with eyes so I can look out through are they really enjoying my party and and hope that nobody is standing in front of the picture going it's a horse with an equestrian but it looks like danne's eyes I just poked the horse's eye and it sounded like DNE getting poked in the eye wouldn't you say it's almost like Dane's behind there looking through the horse's eyes why am I still looking see Dane in my mystery house I don't want guards I don't want 911 or alarms I want trap doors that I will own and operate and here's the thing I don't have the trap doors I don't even have the house yet but I'm already excited at the possibility of a bandit coming into my home to Ste I get goosebumps look at this thinking about a bandit stealing so I can use my trap godamn doors I think I would be so excited that I would leave a path of expensive gadgets just strewn about from the Street up into my house just to coax a bandit up inside I would hide behind the picture's eyes and wait with my schematics I don't think I could even wait to be robbed I think I would have to use my trap doors on family friends loved ones I'd be too excited my girlfriend would be like dang you think you watch these dishes the week ago and they're starting to stink actually what I said was yes now you're in a swamp 3 miles away [Applause] H that's right I got to have a swamp too got to have a swamp either a swamp or a giant Marsh full of marshmallows marshmallows that would be kind of funny too cuz you'd be pissed about the trapo but if you land in marshmallows you'd have to kind of be like oh god I've landed in marshmallows how mad can I [Music] be run-ins I've been getting into some run-ins lately had a little runin in a place called uh Walgreens yeah or as I call it the wall I had a run in with a guy down at the wall and I'm going to tell you the whole story but I'm so excited right now I'm going to tell you the ending first I'm going to tell you the ending and then we're going to Tarantino it we're going to go from the end we're going to we're going to go backwards in time through this joke and figure out what I did to make this guy say what he said to me and this is what he said and I'm quoting I'll kill you let's go back let's go back I know you're like what what is it let's figure it out let's figure it out once again he said I'll kill you let's go back so I go into the wall and right off the bat I have to say what is it about the Walgreens the second you walk in there you just want to steal [Music] there's just something about the lighting that makes you really want to steal half of the things you still want to pay for half it's not stealing if you pay for half but I'm not going to pay for scrunchies I'm not you just shove those in your pants I don't need scrunchies but if I'm getting blown sometimes I like to throw her hair in a it's always good to have a banana clip or a scrunchie right nearby me maybe some Aquanet high five love [Music] [Applause] head I'll kill you so here's how it went down right here okay I had a problem with this guy right off the bat and I'll tell you what the problem is let's just say for the sake of argument that the mic stand is the person at the end of the line what I consider the official line let's just say this is a skinny black man and he's staring at the gum cuz that's what you always do when your line you stare at the gum you just stare at all the gum and you say to yourself God that's a lot of gum there's so many flavors of gum here what do I want to chew the problem that I have with the other gentleman is that he's not committed to the line he's not standing in a way that says to me I'm a part of this community I'm going on the journey with you to pay for my he's he doing that little floaty dance that people do where they don't stay at the line they do this thing where they kind of they do it's called the floaty dance and they touch everything right they just keep touching [Applause] stuff here's my belief if you're 3 ft away from the person in front of you you're in line if you're in the Pantene Prov V section laying down reading US Weekly you're not in line anymore you can't just leave your shoe and walk around for 19 more minutes I kick your shoe away I say shoes that's what I [Applause] say if you know anything about me in my history with shoes I say shoes your shoe does not represent you neither here nor in the court of law you son of a bee sorry to use harsh letters he's a son of a bee so this is what I decide I make a decision sometimes in life you have to make decisions I made the decision that I was going to do something I haven't done in ages I was going to cut in front of this guy I was going to do cut seats which I haven't done since uh 8th grade but you know what I still know how to do it I still have the wherewithal to pull off a cut of epic proportions and when you cut it's not just hey you can't just flop around you can't just flail in there it's like double dutch you got to kind of you got to feel it you got to feel when it's time to go cutting is like double dutch without ropes I basically just told you what you already knew so I waited till the guy was facing north eastsh and then I made my move I did this I went and I slid I just slid in and I know you're looking at me you're like whoa whoa where did Dan go I was like illusion just then that's how good that was a couple of you were like I'm concerned where did Dan go I'm right here I'm right here now the first rule of cutting as you all know once you're in the position you never look past your Peri ever again you don't look past here ever again why turn and look at the face of Doom staring back at you no you look towards the future where there's a counter and there's ChapStick and things that maybe you didn't need in the store but now that they're here you're like I do need tweezers you look towards the future because you know what some point whoever is coming around from their little floaty dance are going to see that there's a different combination of color and clothing in front of them and when they do the math they're going to realize I've been cut there's two things that you can do when somebody cuts you right this is the gamble you take when you cut either you're going to get the person who right away he like hey hey right and they're going to squash you back or you'll get the person like this person I'm so glad he did this he didn't just say uh you cut me he opted to make Angry sound effects he comes back around he's like Ah that's what you do you do this thing with your hand where you point at the person's back and then you look at the people behind you right but again I've committed I'm looking towards the future I've got my one item I've got some uh deodorant which I needed right even at that moment I would like to have applied some because I was under pressure I get to the front of the line and again as I'm paying for the merchandise I can being he's behind me and he seething he is seething okay you could taste his anger it was in the air you could actually go wow that's palpable that man is very angry taste the air he's really pissed I pay for my merch okay and then I start heading towards the door okay and I'm calm I'm cool I'm collect I'm being really Savvy the way I just kind of walk towards the door but inside I'm celebrating I'm like Shazam inside my head that's what I say to myself when I'm excited I say Shazam and I see myself doing this but I don't really do that because if I didn't say that I just threw my hand up in the air I look like I'm in the Special Olympics or something like that I start heading towards the door okay I'm excited but this guy again he is so angry at this point that I got away with it that he finally just had to say something okay he had to let me know how angry he was and I don't know why he went with this first the first thing he just grabbed out of his brain he went yeah nice which I thought was an interesting choice out of all the things you could say and especially in that tone you could say anything in that tone and I get yeah cinnamon bits yeah seafood salad I get it you're angry but he went with Yan nice and that made me interested and as I was walking towards the door I finally was like I got to look and see the face of the man who was so angry at me he would say yeah nice so I take a few steps and then I Gander back and we catch each other's eye and then I added this little thing I [Music] went I don't think that was necessary cuz he immediately came back with I'll kill you look I kept going towards the door and I'm still in com cool collect mode I'm still Savvy okay the second I get outside the automatic doors which when they open always make you feel like a Jedi like you did that with your mind the second I get out of his ey shot I start running to my car like a gazelle okay I'm actually hopping over cars I'm very very gazel like when I'm [Music] afraid I get into my vehicle I take off because I don't want this guy to come out and get my license plate number I didn't even want him to have that because we all know that Killers always have a hookup at the DMV they always have a crazy friend who will give them your address and all your info for like a steak dinner and a charm's blow pop or something no so I what I take off and then as I'm driving away in my vehicle I start to think about it and I think oh my God can you imagine if this guy really killed me killed me just because I cut him in line killed me finds where I live right I'm not home breaks in the door hides in my closet for 7 hours talking to himself come home you're going to die come home I'll show you who's boss then I start wondering what do you think he would say to me what would he say to me what would be the last thing he would say right before he sliced my throat cuz the killers in the movies always have to say that one last cool thing they step out of the alley Merry Christmas what do you think he would say right before he sliced my throat probably something like this he'd probably come on and go who's cut now that'd be a good one I would have to who's cutting now yeah I don't know what he would say but I do know what would piss him off this would piss him off what if as he was about to step out to slice my throat someone just stepped in front of him and sliced my throat first oh he'd be [Applause] [Music] [Applause] pissed sometimes you meet somebody and the second you meet the second you're introduced you just get that feeling like you just hate each other's guts I happened to have that situation recently I I was uh driving around in the CT 2004 make it happen and I uh I was driving by Burger King or the BK lounge as I've been known to call it I have a history with [Applause] them and when I saw the sign glowing in the night I thought to myself I'd love a chicken sandwich right now I take shut up hey seriously shut up or I'll have you kicked out shut up you're ruining the show for the people around you I can't stand that don't do that seriously whoever's yelling if you guys hear the person yelling you say Dane and we're going to pick that person up and we're going to throw them out the door shut up I'm serious I'm serious shut your mouth shut your mouth shut shut I'm serious don't point back I'll throw you out that's great this is a great vibe in here right now it's like Daddy just hit mommy at the dinner table and we're all trying to eat still just eat honey mommy's okay M Daddy just got a little angry just eat I don't want to eatat Mommy is fine Daddy just got a little crazy and Mommy's fine do I have to eat yes have to eat I started thinking about the chicken sandwich inside there and soon it could be inside here and that filled me with a Glee so I pulled in and I went inside to order my chicken sandwich and this is what happens between me and the counter help there okay I'm standing there and I'm waiting and I don't know this guy yet we have we have not met in the past um I'm thinking about my chicken sandwich that's all I'm thinking about and then I look up in the menu and I have to say this I don't know who the photographer is who does the french fry shots he's fantastic he's the best just the way the fries are shooting up out of there they're dancing out of that box like they've just been freed from some kind of purgatory those fries look like a glamour shot they're just fantastic so I'm standing there I'm thinking thinking chicken sandwich now I'm starting to think fresh hot french fries in my belly as well and it's making me feel very proud so I get up to the guy and right away there's that Vibe like there's just it's that same Vibe you get with any auto mechanic you've ever dealt with even though you're listening and nodding in your head you're like this guy is me big time you just believe whatever they say they're like yeah we had to replace the roof on your car it was peeling back it resented the rest of the car so we replaced that also there was a tiny unicorn in your exhaust and he was jumping and poking holes in your exhaust and he was in your filters as well so we had to get that out of there wow thank you very much I did not know that there was a tiny mythological animal jumping around in there it's very dangerous in filters no way especially with a road trip coming up that's very dangerous in filters that little son of a bee wow wow thank you how much is that going to $7,000 I was going to suggest I'd like to pay for $7,000 is I'd love to pay for that thank you for not me big time that's the vibe I got with the clerk and this is what he did to me okay and this oh man this is this was a this was a standoff this was a classic Gunslinger moment I had with this guy I place my order okay and this is what he does to me listen to these shenanigans that he pulls on me if I ever see him again I'm going to call him Shenanigans what's up Shenanigans this is what he does I uh I order my food okay and then I go to pay for my purchase and I hand them the currency okay and then when it's time for the change portion of the exchange I did this little move I did this little move with my hand where you turn your hand into a tiny little bowl and you place it about 3 4T in front of your face and it's a little move that says would you please hand me my change because I've just changed my appearance and I'm very much like a container to easily Place change in on my human flesh and as I'm waiting this is what the guy he takes my change and he sees my hand here's the counter he goes and he smashes it down on the counter and the Nickels fly and the dime hits me in the eyeball the dollar bill ripped in half and blew away in in a breeze and I was pissed off I was really I I was in the red and the only thing that you know kept me from snapping is the french fries I looked up at that picture and they just look so Dandy they look so joyous that it put me back down in the yellow or the mustard as I call it I decide I'm not going to get into with this guy I'm just going to take my food I'm going to take my purchase and I'm going to go back to my booth and I'm going to enjoy it I'm going to eat the chicken sandwich in my hot tasty french fries and then I'm going to bid this place Ado so I sit down at the booth right right and I'm just about to uh get into it and then I realize there's no ketchup on this tray and you always have a miniature panic attack in your body when there's no catchup nobody else knows it but you have a moment where you're like what in holy hell is happening here how could he not at least put one packet right and that's all you care about at that point the only thing you care about in life is I need some ketchup for my hot tasty french fries I don't care if the person you're with is telling you they're contemplating suici side you will interrupt them uh hey can you just I just got to go get some ketchup hold on for one second all right I just got to get you're not going to kill yourself now right then let me get some ketchup for my hot tasty french fries could to get the ketchup you always do that weird ketchup run there's a run that you do when you need ketchup it's this little thing right here you you put your ass out your hand shakes around like someone stole your bones in the middle of the night where are my bones someone stole my bones here's the great thing about needing ketchup this is what I love when you need ketchup there are no laws for you you are the most important person in the room you can cut past people in line you can interrupt conversation excuse me can I get I need some ketchup I need some ketchup stat you don't even need to speak perfect English if you don't want you can do this thing where you lean in and you just go hey can I that do this breathy Central I just need say can I just get a couple cat I just need a couple cat and you say two or three I just need it's near like two or three even though even though you say two or three they still Chuck like 19 at you they whip a batch of ketchups and you take them all like a rat like maybe someday in the future ketchup packets will be our currency and you'll be glad that you took all 19 cuz that's $19 if each ketchup packet is a dollar yeah I go up to the guy oh it's not over yet gentlemen in the back clapping I know you're excited I'm excited [Applause] too but this godamn epic battle's Just Begun so I go up to the guy okay he's helping another woman and I just want to remind you who the guy is he's a douchebag but I don't know why it's just a feeling I get he's helping this lady and again because I'm in charge because I need ketchup and I'm the most important person in the entire world I lean in and he's talking to her and I start to go excuse me can I just get a couple and right in the middle of it this is what he does to me okay he Le he leans over to me and he goes one second pal calls me pal and let me tell you something when somebody calls you pal and you're not pals that you know what I mean too one second pal it was the way he said the word pal to you sounds like pal to me sounded like face I still heard pal but it was centered in a face coating it was like one second pal face that's what I heard that's honestly what I heard and I was embarrassed I was em I was Sullen I was downtrodden okay my world was crumbling and even the woman H even the woman he was helping she even she even shot me a look she even knew that I was just abused she looked at me and she actually went abused a 63-year-old woman said abused I was embarrassed but then I said you know what I'm not going to take this line down I'm going to step into the ring with this guy and I pulled this one out and a lot of you guys are going to know where I went with this I step back up and I go no problem buddy yeah I went with Buddy no problem buddy and I even did that little head flick and I furrowed my eyebrow right here the best as I like very clling on likee but not as extraordinary problem buddy as they say in wrestling it was on the vibe in the whole Community was that it was on and I knew it was on because even the lady who shot me the look before she was on her phone at the time she goes I got to call you back it's on I'll call you back one second pal no problem buddy okay it's on till the break it Dawn this guy is like a gunslinger I got to give him credit because before I could even blink three times he was Quick Draw MRA right away I didn't know he just had it ready like a katana he just pulled it he hits me with this I'll be right there Chief I'm not a chief I'm not an Indian chief I'm not the chief of police I don't play for the Kansas City Chiefs I'm not a chef which is sometimes confused with Chief on paper I've done that as you're writing it you're like I'm dumb he hit me with it was such a blow that I actually stumbled back I tripped over a tiny Mexican baby playing with a plastic toy I took over the baby but even the baby knew it was on the baby was like with arm it's on Sim to go thank you tiny Mexican baby playing with a plastic toy I know it's on so I steep back up and I figure you know what I'm going to end this I'm going to put the kabash on this thing right now it's gone too far pow buddy Chief P pow I say I'm going old school on this guy right now I'm putting the end to it and I hit him with something that you can't come back from I stood my ground and I just finally said after a good breath I went no problem gay Lord let the end of that [Applause] story thank you guys very much I'll call you guys [Applause] later good night [Applause] w [Applause] w

are you [Applause] [Applause] guys yes yes yes yes yes yes y [Applause] s yes we are going to have a relationship tonight I'm going to go out with you we're going to date for a while we're going to make sweet sweet comedy love with each other and and then suddenly without warning I'm not even going to call you guys anymore the last thing you will have heard me say is hey I'll call you guys later and I never call but you hear through the grape vine I'm dating a younger sexier crab and then I'm really happy but I'm not happy cuz I think about you guys and about a year from now I'm going to call weeping in the middle of the night you were the best crowd I ever had you really listen to me and I didn't know the crowd I had till you dispersed then we're going to get together we're going to hang out maybe we'll all like you know run around town and smash windows and cause destruction and I'll make jokes and one of you guys will turn and be like Dane you're right and I'll go I'm a riot you're a riot get [Applause] it that's how things are going to go down tonight 3 weeks ago one of my dreams came true I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live I finally saw someone get hit by a car nail this guy got hit right in the hip that's your center of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air like Eddie Gordo from Tekken when someone doesn't know how to do Combos and they're just hitting the buttons [Applause] randomly I always just miss it right I'm looking and then I go to order my Twisty Cone oh what what happened the guy got hit no I just went to order my Twisty Cone and I missed it this guy gets nailed this is the setup he's walking down the street and he's doing that wacky speed walk he's got the buds in his ears and I don't know what you're listening to that makes you do this walk maybe just a tambourine or Maracas you're just so Johnny tambourine is walking down the street he's got the not a good time to cross signal as he's going across I see the car coming down the street when I see the car coming I'm like yes finally don't talk to me don't talk to me I got to see this the guy goes flying into the air his shoes flew off when you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off sometimes your pants will come off but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike and before I go any further here's the best part this is how he lands on the other side of the car which was a Dodge by the way and I thought that was kind of funny and ironic I just I got a little humor out of [Music] that I did try to help this man as the car was coming towards him I reached out and I said oh that's all I could think of to say there's so many things now in retrospect that I would love I'd love to have been like you're about to get struck by a vehicle I did not have time to say you're about to get struck by a vehicle so I went with oh which is like a concerned moan the guy gets tagged okay the greatest part of the story he's in the air flipping around this is how he lands on the other side of the car he comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air and he starts walking around embarrassed he's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit by a car people around him are like oh my God oh my God are you all right are you okay he's like I'm fine I'm fine seriously I'm fine I'm a little bit hungry but uh other than that I'm fine no you should really sit down you're bleeding from the ears I know I know that I do that every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head it's tradition of my family has anyone seen my shoes I kicked them off in a fit of joy I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of Joy I'm fine I'm just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush [Applause] we laugh but we love violence in this country we like violence we have those little violent tendency I'm not the only person I know you're like me when you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt you just want to shoot them in the chest when they start to bleed go I guess not don't wear the shirt wear a shirt that says I bleed if if you shoot me in the chest plate and I will not shoot you in the chest plate super bleeder I called him super beder there are some things that I have learned uh in my recent past that I'm excited to share with you tonight and one thing I've realized is we all want to leave behind a legacy we all want to be remembered for something and I was thinking about it going how can I be remembered and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily basis even if it's one-on-one with people like for example the other day I saw a young boy and he was eating an ice cream cone I ran up I smashed it into his face I leaned in I go you remember me forever and I ran away cuz you know when he's 50 he's going to be like one day a man ran up to me I did not know this man he smashed my treat into my eyes and he pointed and he said You remember me forever but I did not say I did not say that he added to make the story more intense and interesting he deserves to have ice cream smashed in his face cuz he's a lying 50-year-old man I did not say  Pete deserves ice cream smashed in and around his eyes here's another way to be remembered again and this one this is more personal it's more for you because nobody's ever going to know that it was you but you'll know and that's all that matters next time you go to a party a great big party go into the room where all the coats are on the coats guaranteed at some point somebody's going to walk out of that room and go someone on the coats someone has on the coats that's the only thing you can say when someone shits on the coat someone  on the coats they might say I think someone  on the coast but you know you're just afraid to me the bearer of bad news I think someone may have  on or around the coat area there's a smell of around the perimeter the vicinity of coats leading me to believe someone has  [Applause] but again you're there you're there watching it all happen and it's your job all you're going to do at some point you're going to lean in and go what and then blend back into the crowd what I hope it wasn't on my coat and then boom you're a phantom disappear disappear one thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little I've always wanted to be abducted by UFO yeah sometimes I just go hang out in the woods I'm just waiting for that blue light that's how they suck you up by a beam of light they suck you up by your chest and that's not necessary throw a rope ladder down I'll climb up I'm interested I'm here for you don't suck me up by my chest that hurts you're a hovering crack why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a [Applause] minute it' be great to be abducted what did you guys do this weekend dude we got hammered it was awesome oh yeah I was abducted I was zipping around the [Music] Galaxy sometimes when I think about if UFOs come down I get a little concerned because then I thought of this scenario this would be the ultimate full circle slap in the face of the United States what if this happens because look we're the the greatest country on Earth but we get a little cocky from time to time if we don't like the way your country is doing its business we'll kick the door in hey hey knock it off you're bugging the world cut it out and if you don't listen to us then we'll throw all kinds of weapons and crazy at you which we always apologize about using 20 or 30 years later listen we're really sorry about that we were a little drunk at the time and we got a little rambunctious the bomb we didn't know it was going to do that we thought it was a contain blast and we didn't know it would make everything blown to smiing and you were being kind of a  country country you are being kind of a  are we cool now do you mind if we leave like 3 4,000 troops and maybe some supplies here you don't mind that do you do you mind you wouldn't want us to get drunk again would you high five us photo op we get a little we get a look cocki what if this happens oh my God what if this Happ what if the mother's sh comes over Middle America and we're all sitting watching TV all the news crews are focused in and we're sitting there watching right what if when the hatch is finally open out of the UFOs come thousands of 100 foot Native American [Applause] Indians we're going to be watching like  those are huge Indians please tell me they're not giant Indians God damn it they're huge Indians all right good game America we had some fun huh hi giant Indians we did some and ah could you show us how to make giant corn I've always wanted to uh uppercut a punk ass and send him flying onto a table preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it and that would break and this would take place at a party dance Gala event this is a direct quote that I want to receive someday from someone and I want them to mean it when they say this and I don't know what it is yet but I want this reaction are you out of your  mind [Applause] and then I want to do whatever the action is and then I want them to follow that up by saying you really are out of your mind maybe shove some fireworks in my pants hey hey are you out of your  mind you really out out of your mind oh he just L Fireworks off in his pants he really is out of his mind that would be great this is another one too and I know you're like me I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway you're just sitting comfortably watching TV you hear a car who's this it's so disruptive you look out strange car you don't know if it's a government official you start getting concerned what I don't know this car then they turn to leave you're like you son of a you wasted moments of my life moments I will never get back someday oh I'm going to run out to that car I catch them before they leave knock on the window make them roll down and go you ever turn around on my driveway again I'm going to cut your  head off I'm going to put your head on my antenna and drive around with your head on my antenna and hopefully I'll get a twofer and the person will go are you out of your mind then I pull out a switchblade they go you really are out of your mind and I go Zang [Applause] Dam I hope they never come back and try to turn around in that driveway again cuz then I'll be in the window like damn it I got to cut this guy's head [Music] off there are certain sounds in this world that when you hear them they make you react in different ways there are certain sounds that when it floats into your eardrum and it goes High into your cerebellum located near your limic system you hear the sound you react in a certain way some sounds soothing right you hear like the sound of a Babbling Brook maybe the sound of the dryer with the [Applause] towels that was a horrible impersonation of I know I'm not don't me it was that was bad that's the best I can do I'm laundry and a [Applause] dryer it's like haunted laundry in there but then there are certain sounds in this world that for whatever reason just the way it hits you it makes you want to punch a baby it makes you want to punch a baby God forbid you're in a nursery when you hear the sound you go on a baby punching tangent you will start [Applause] punching God help me it's the sound that makes me punch infants I love it when it's late at night and you're in bed and you're nice and cozy you're watching your favorite shows from me Justice files that's my favorite show I'm glad you appreciate it like I do people say d why do you love the show it's simple because I love Justice and I love files and when the two come together I could blow a jusy load I could blow a Justice e filey load it's late at night and you're laying there and all of a sudden outside you hear a car alarm go off for like 46 minutes you're just laying there that's my favorite part right there I love it I get inspire tired I walk around my house in fact one night I wrote lyrics now every time I hear one I stand on my bed I'm like hello I'm a car guas only makes me run back seat trunk space hello let's go for ride oil is my blood seed Bel rage your [Music] [Applause] knobs I don't care if you laughed at that or not next time you hear that you're going to be like that Dan Cook is a silly  he got me feet Bel Christ I was talking to this girl the other day and uh she said all guys want is sex and I go listen finish blowing me and we're going to talk about this [Applause] [Music] later that's a lie I just said that cuz it was funny she actually said that she goes that's all guys want D is sex and I said to her nay I said there's other things that guys want besides sex we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but I'm putting it out in the universe so that you can respect and understand us for who we are as men for example any guy here more than sex if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist [Music] you know every time you watch the movie Heat you're like I want to do that you just want to be running down Main Street with an AK-47 where's the van the van was supposed to be here we want that guy on the computer who's like give me a minute I just need one more minute dude I need one more minute to hack into the main frame I'm in Friendster they rerouted me into friend I need a minute where's the  van there's always that guy on the team too he was a last minute replacement he's not one of the original gang but one of the other guys vouches for him no no dude trust me this guy's cool he's solid and he's cool but he's not cool is he he doesn't really say anything ever right he just stands there looks cool and then at one point he might be like let's kill these  I want to be a part of a heist and I want to get shot right here in the back of my leg oh it stings but it still makes me feel kind of cool I just I keep looking at the blood going no no no no bleeding from the leg where's the fan we want to be a part of a heist and then there's something else that we want even more than the heist even more than sex any guy here would love to have a monkey a pet monkey and people get mad sometimes you say oh I'd love to have a monkey and there's always that one anti-monkey person in the area they overhear you excuse me I heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey and that's a horrible idea you do not want a monkey you do not want a monkey they're a monkey expert and they start listing off all the reasons you can't have a monkey let me tell you a few things if I could just have a minute can I just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you don't know before you jump to your conclusion okay it's more than just bananas and dancing with toothbrushes okay first of all they crap in their own hand and they throw it around in a festive manner like they a celebration of monkey poop and they make faces that are unacceptable in society I hear these things and I'm like that's why I want a monkey all those reasons I don't want a nice little quiet monkey I want an evil monkey that I can dress in armor give him a sword have fights with them inside my place how pumped would you be driving home from work knowing some place in your house there's a monkey you're going to battle that's awesome you walk in Monkey you here where are you I'm in your closet holy you just talked I Tau myself to talk this is incredibly odd I know let's fight okay this would be the ultimate What if after the heist you jump into the van and the monkey is driving the van get him we got to go we got to go we got to [Applause] go [Music] makes me sad because I know it'll never happen I made some upgrades in my life sometimes you have to upgrade your life there are things that you need to do you need to invest in yourself in your soul I wanted to get a new vehicle and I was thinking what do I want to get and I'm talking to my buddies and I'm like what do you think what should I get what's something badass that when I'm driving around I'll feel like a ba that's a badass I shortened it and I wanted some suggestions what would make me feel like a badass  a BF a b again I just shortened [Music] everything you know nobody says I'm going to go buy a new car that makes me look like a shitthead something dilapitated that when I'm driving around people point and laugh at me in my existence so I was talking to my friends and I was like what do you think guys what should I get that's ba that I'm going to feel cool driving around and my friends were making suggestions you should get a Hummer two get one of those H2S man that's badass and I looked at my friends and I said I don't want a Hummer two because people already have that and I don't want something that people already have so this is what I went out and got and it's working out awesome I've been driving around a cement truck I put neon underneath I get 50in rims that I made myself in my basement out of aluminum foil and ornament yeah and you know that big thing that turns in the back my buddies are in there rolling around I patted it don't worry I patted it they have a blasty back there they love it I throw treats in the back I throw Jolly Rancher watermelon candies and they suck on treats and they roll around while I drive the CT 2004 that's what I call it I'm going to put my foot down I'm going to make a stance right now I'm going to say this watermelon is the only good flavor of Jolly Rancher candies I will say that thank you for agreeing with me if you say sour apple I will stab you in the jaw sour apple sucks if you believe that sour apple is good you meet me in the lobby after the show I'll be the guy stabbing Jaws there's not too many of us out there just look for the guy stabbing Jaws that's me come up and say hello and I'll stab you in the jaw thinking about my future start thinking about my dream housee gosh can't wait everybody's got a dream house the house of your dreams you lay in bed and you dream about it all the fascinating items that you'll have someday and it can be anything you want dreamers anything maybe instead of hallways you want canals that you swim down maybe the bottom of your cereal bowl you want mirrors so can say hello to yourself after you drink the milk hi me dream it you dreamers it's your dream house maybe you flush the toilet and the toilet goes thanks for me I enjoyed your  why not it's your house I have my dream house and here it is right here I've always wanted a mystery house ever since I've been young I'm going to have it someday too if I'm having a party I want that giant bookshelf that I can go up to and when no one's looking I pull the big green book all of a sudden I'm in a lab with bun and burners going I've got Elixir and schematics I don't even know what schematics are but I want them back there cuz I know schematics belong in Labs I love that I even love that Creek I'm not even going to WD40 the sound out I want the ambiance secret hallways that you have to run around like this you never make secret hallways normal height so it's convenient they have to be almost uncomfortable like why the did I build them like this where's my lab oh I've always wanted to be able to look through pictures eyes I can't wait to have a lot of pictures with eyes so I can look out through are they really enjoying my party and and hope that nobody is standing in front of the picture going it's a horse with an equestrian but it looks like danne's eyes I just poked the horse's eye and it sounded like DNE getting poked in the eye wouldn't you say it's almost like Dane's behind there looking through the horse's eyes why am I still looking see Dane in my mystery house I don't want guards I don't want 911 or alarms I want trap doors that I will own and operate and here's the thing I don't have the trap doors I don't even have the house yet but I'm already excited at the possibility of a bandit coming into my home to Ste I get goosebumps look at this thinking about a bandit stealing so I can use my trap godamn doors I think I would be so excited that I would leave a path of expensive gadgets just strewn about from the Street up into my house just to coax a bandit up inside I would hide behind the picture's eyes and wait with my schematics I don't think I could even wait to be robbed I think I would have to use my trap doors on family friends loved ones I'd be too excited my girlfriend would be like dang you think you watch these dishes the week ago and they're starting to stink actually what I said was yes now you're in a swamp 3 miles away [Applause] H that's right I got to have a swamp too got to have a swamp either a swamp or a giant Marsh full of marshmallows marshmallows that would be kind of funny too cuz you'd be pissed about the trapo but if you land in marshmallows you'd have to kind of be like oh god I've landed in marshmallows how mad can I [Music] be run-ins I've been getting into some run-ins lately had a little runin in a place called uh Walgreens yeah or as I call it the wall I had a run in with a guy down at the wall and I'm going to tell you the whole story but I'm so excited right now I'm going to tell you the ending first I'm going to tell you the ending and then we're going to Tarantino it we're going to go from the end we're going to we're going to go backwards in time through this joke and figure out what I did to make this guy say what he said to me and this is what he said and I'm quoting I'll kill you let's go back let's go back I know you're like what what is it let's figure it out let's figure it out once again he said I'll kill you let's go back so I go into the wall and right off the bat I have to say what is it about the Walgreens the second you walk in there you just want to steal [Music] there's just something about the lighting that makes you really want to steal half of the things you still want to pay for half it's not stealing if you pay for half but I'm not going to pay for scrunchies I'm not you just shove those in your pants I don't need scrunchies but if I'm getting blown sometimes I like to throw her hair in a it's always good to have a banana clip or a scrunchie right nearby me maybe some Aquanet high five love [Music] [Applause] head I'll kill you so here's how it went down right here okay I had a problem with this guy right off the bat and I'll tell you what the problem is let's just say for the sake of argument that the mic stand is the person at the end of the line what I consider the official line let's just say this is a skinny black man and he's staring at the gum cuz that's what you always do when your line you stare at the gum you just stare at all the gum and you say to yourself God that's a lot of gum there's so many flavors of gum here what do I want to chew the problem that I have with the other gentleman is that he's not committed to the line he's not standing in a way that says to me I'm a part of this community I'm going on the journey with you to pay for my  he's he doing that little floaty dance that people do where they don't stay at the line they do this thing where they kind of they do it's called the floaty dance and they touch everything right they just keep touching [Applause] stuff here's my belief if you're 3 ft away from the person in front of you you're in line if you're in the Pantene Prov V section laying down reading US Weekly you're not in line anymore you can't just leave your shoe and walk around for 19 more minutes I kick your shoe away I say shoes that's what I [Applause] say if you know anything about me in my history with shoes I say shoes your shoe does not represent you neither here nor in the court of law you son of a bee sorry to use harsh letters he's a son of a bee so this is what I decide I make a decision sometimes in life you have to make decisions I made the decision that I was going to do something I haven't done in ages I was going to cut in front of this guy I was going to do cut seats which I haven't done since uh 8th grade but you know what I still know how to do it I still have the wherewithal to pull off a cut of epic proportions and when you cut it's not just hey you can't just flop around you can't just flail in there it's like double dutch you got to kind of you got to feel it you got to feel when it's time to go cutting is like double dutch without ropes I basically just told you what you already knew so I waited till the guy was facing north eastsh and then I made my move I did this I went and I slid I just slid in and I know you're looking at me you're like whoa whoa where did Dan go I was like illusion just then that's how good that was a couple of you were like I'm concerned where did Dan go I'm right here I'm right here now the first rule of cutting as you all know once you're in the position you never look past your Peri ever again you don't look past here ever again why turn and look at the face of Doom staring back at you no you look towards the future where there's a counter and there's ChapStick and things that maybe you didn't need in the store but now that they're here you're like I do need tweezers you look towards the future because you know what some point whoever is coming around from their little floaty dance are going to see that there's a different combination of color and clothing in front of them and when they do the math they're going to realize I've been cut there's two things that you can do when somebody cuts you right this is the gamble you take when you cut either you're going to get the person who right away he like hey hey right and they're going to squash you back or you'll get the person like this person I'm so glad he did this he didn't just say uh you cut me he opted to make Angry sound effects he comes back around he's like Ah that's what you do you do this thing with your hand where you point at the person's back and then you look at the people behind you right but again I've committed I'm looking towards the future I've got my one item I've got some uh deodorant which I needed right even at that moment I would like to have applied some because I was under pressure I get to the front of the line and again as I'm paying for the merchandise I can being he's behind me and he seething he is seething okay you could taste his anger it was in the air you could actually go wow that's palpable that man is very angry taste the air he's really pissed I pay for my merch okay and then I start heading towards the door okay and I'm calm I'm cool I'm collect I'm being really Savvy the way I just kind of walk towards the door but inside I'm celebrating I'm like Shazam inside my head that's what I say to myself when I'm excited I say Shazam and I see myself doing this but I don't really do that because if I didn't say that I just threw my hand up in the air I look like I'm in the Special Olympics or something like that I start heading towards the door okay I'm excited but this guy again he is so angry at this point that I got away with it that he finally just had to say something okay he had to let me know how angry he was and I don't know why he went with this first the first thing he just grabbed out of his brain he went yeah nice which I thought was an interesting choice out of all the things you could say and especially in that tone you could say anything in that tone and I get yeah cinnamon bits yeah seafood salad I get it you're angry but he went with Yan nice and that made me interested and as I was walking towards the door I finally was like I got to look and see the face of the man who was so angry at me he would say yeah nice so I take a few steps and then I Gander back and we catch each other's eye and then I added this little thing I [Music] went I don't think that was necessary cuz he immediately came back with I'll  kill you look I kept going towards the door and I'm still in com cool collect mode I'm still Savvy okay the second I get outside the automatic doors which when they open always make you feel like a Jedi like you did that with your mind the second I get out of his ey shot I start running to my car like a gazelle okay I'm actually hopping over cars I'm very very gazel like when I'm [Music] afraid I get into my vehicle I take off because I don't want this guy to come out and get my license plate number I didn't even want him to have that because we all know that Killers always have a hookup at the DMV they always have a crazy friend who will give them your address and all your  info for like a steak dinner and a charm's blow pop or something no so I what I take off and then as I'm driving away in my vehicle I start to think about it and I think oh my God can you imagine if this guy really killed me killed me just because I cut him in line killed me finds where I live right I'm not home breaks in the door hides in my closet for 7 hours talking to himself come home you're going to die come home I'll show you who's boss then I start wondering what do you think he would say to me what would he say to me what would be the last thing he would say right before he sliced my throat cuz the killers in the movies always have to say that one last cool thing they step out of the alley Merry Christmas what do you think he would say right before he sliced my throat probably something like this he'd probably come on and go who's cut now that'd be a good one I would have to who's cutting now yeah I don't know what he would say but I do know what would piss him off this would piss him off what if as he was about to step out to slice my throat someone just stepped in front of him and sliced my throat first oh he'd be [Applause] [Music] [Applause] pissed sometimes you meet somebody and the second you meet the second you're introduced you just get that feeling like you just hate each other's guts I happened to have that situation recently I I was uh driving around in the CT 2004 make it happen and I uh I was driving by Burger King or the BK lounge as I've been known to call it I have a history with [Applause] them and when I saw the sign glowing in the night I thought to myself I'd love a chicken sandwich right now I take shut up hey seriously shut up or I'll have you kicked out shut up you're ruining the show for the people around you I can't stand that don't do that seriously whoever's yelling if you guys hear the person yelling you say Dane and we're going to pick that person up and we're going to throw them out the door shut up I'm serious I'm serious shut your mouth shut your mouth shut shut I'm serious don't point back I'll throw you out that's great this is a great vibe in here right now it's like Daddy just hit mommy at the dinner table and we're all trying to eat still just eat honey mommy's okay M Daddy just got a little angry just eat I don't want to eatat Mommy is fine Daddy just got a little crazy and Mommy's fine do I have to eat yes have to eat I started thinking about the chicken sandwich inside there and soon it could be inside here and that filled me with a Glee so I pulled in and I went inside to order my chicken sandwich and this is what happens between me and the counter help there okay I'm standing there and I'm waiting and I don't know this guy yet we have we have not met in the past um I'm thinking about my chicken sandwich that's all I'm thinking about and then I look up in the menu and I have to say this I don't know who the photographer is who does the french fry shots he's fantastic he's the best just the way the fries are shooting up out of there they're dancing out of that box like they've just been freed from some kind of purgatory those fries look like a glamour shot they're just fantastic so I'm standing there I'm thinking thinking chicken sandwich now I'm starting to think fresh hot french fries in my belly as well and it's making me feel very proud so I get up to the guy and right away there's that Vibe like there's just it's that same Vibe you get with any auto mechanic you've ever dealt with even though you're listening and nodding in your head you're like this guy is  me big time you just believe whatever they say they're like yeah we had to replace the roof on your car it was peeling back it resented the rest of the car so we replaced that also there was a tiny unicorn in your exhaust and he was jumping and poking holes in your exhaust and he was in your filters as well so we had to get that out of there wow thank you very much I did not know that there was a tiny mythological animal jumping around in there it's very dangerous in filters no way especially with a road trip coming up that's very dangerous in filters that little son of a bee wow wow thank you how much is that going to $7,000 I was going to suggest I'd like to pay for $7,000 is I'd love to pay for that thank you for not me big time that's the vibe I got with the clerk and this is what he did to me okay and this oh man this is this was a this was a standoff this was a classic Gunslinger moment I had with this guy I place my order okay and this is what he does to me listen to these shenanigans that he pulls on me if I ever see him again I'm going to call him Shenanigans what's up Shenanigans this is what he does I uh I order my food okay and then I go to pay for my purchase and I hand them the currency okay and then when it's time for the change portion of the exchange I did this little move I did this little move with my hand where you turn your hand into a tiny little bowl and you place it about 3 4T in front of your face and it's a little move that says would you please hand me my change because I've just changed my appearance and I'm very much like a container to easily Place change in on my human flesh and as I'm waiting this is what the guy he takes my change and he sees my hand here's the counter he goes and he smashes it down on the counter and the Nickels fly and the dime hits me in the eyeball the dollar bill ripped in half and blew away in in a breeze and I was pissed off I was really I I was in the red and the only thing that you know kept me from snapping is the french fries I looked up at that picture and they just look so Dandy they look so joyous that it put me back down in the yellow or the mustard as I call it I decide I'm not going to get into with this guy I'm just going to take my food I'm going to take my purchase and I'm going to go back to my booth and I'm going to enjoy it I'm going to eat the chicken sandwich in my hot tasty french fries and then I'm going to bid this place Ado so I sit down at the booth right right and I'm just about to uh get into it and then I realize there's no ketchup on this tray and you always have a miniature panic attack in your body when there's no catchup nobody else knows it but you have a moment where you're like what in holy hell is happening here how could he not at least put one packet right and that's all you care about at that point the only thing you care about in life is I need some  ketchup for my hot tasty french fries I don't care if the person you're with is telling you they're contemplating suici side you will interrupt them uh hey can you just I just got to go get some ketchup hold on for one second all right I just got to get you're not going to kill yourself now right then let me get some ketchup for my hot tasty french fries could to get the ketchup you always do that weird ketchup run there's a run that you do when you need ketchup it's this little thing right here you you put your ass out your hand shakes around like someone stole your bones in the middle of the night where are my bones someone stole my bones here's the great thing about needing ketchup this is what I love when you need ketchup there are no laws for you you are the most important person in the room you can cut past people in line you can interrupt conversation excuse me can I get I need some ketchup I need some ketchup stat you don't even need to speak perfect English if you don't want you can do this thing where you lean in and you just go hey can I that do this breathy Central I just need say can I just get a couple cat I just need a couple cat and you say two or three I just need it's near like two or three even though even though you say two or three they still Chuck like 19 at you they whip a batch of ketchups and you take them all like a rat like maybe someday in the future ketchup packets will be our currency and you'll be glad that you took all 19 cuz that's $19 if each ketchup packet is a dollar yeah I go up to the guy oh it's not over yet gentlemen in the back clapping I know you're excited I'm excited [Applause] too but this godamn epic battle's Just Begun so I go up to the guy okay he's helping another woman and I just want to remind you who the guy is he's a douchebag but I don't know why it's just a feeling I get he's helping this lady and again because I'm in charge because I need ketchup and I'm the most important person in the entire world I lean in and he's talking to her and I start to go excuse me can I just get a couple and right in the middle of it this is what he does to me okay he Le he leans over to me and he goes one second pal calls me pal and let me tell you something when somebody calls you pal and you're not pals that you know what I mean too one second pal it was the way he said the word pal to you sounds like pal to me sounded like face I still heard pal but it was centered in a face coating it was like one second pal face that's what I heard that's honestly what I heard and I was embarrassed I was em I was Sullen I was downtrodden okay my world was crumbling and even the woman H even the woman he was helping she even she even shot me a look she even knew that I was just abused she looked at me and she actually went abused a 63-year-old woman said abused I was embarrassed but then I said you know what I'm not going to take this line down I'm going to step into the ring with this guy and I pulled this one out and a lot of you guys are going to know where I went with this I step back up and I go no problem buddy yeah I went with Buddy no problem buddy and I even did that little head flick and I furrowed my eyebrow right here the best as I like very clling on likee but not as extraordinary problem buddy as they say in wrestling it was on the vibe in the whole Community was that it was on and I knew it was on because even the lady who shot me the look before she was on her phone at the time she goes I got to call you back it's on I'll call you back one second pal no problem buddy okay it's on till the break it Dawn this guy is like a gunslinger I got to give him credit because before I could even blink three times he was  Quick Draw MRA right away I didn't know he just had it ready like a katana he just pulled it he hits me with this I'll be right there Chief I'm not a chief I'm not an Indian chief I'm not the chief of police I don't play for the Kansas City Chiefs I'm not a chef which is sometimes confused with Chief on paper I've done that as you're writing it you're like I'm dumb he hit me with it was such a blow that I actually stumbled back I tripped over a tiny Mexican baby playing with a plastic toy I took over the baby but even the baby knew it was on the baby was like with arm it's on Sim to go thank you tiny Mexican baby playing with a plastic toy I know it's on so I steep back up and I figure you know what I'm going to end this I'm going to put the kabash on this thing right now it's gone too far pow buddy Chief P pow I say I'm going old school on this guy right now I'm putting the end to it and I hit him with something that you can't come back from I stood my ground and I just finally said after a good breath I went no problem gay Lord let the end of that [Applause] story thank you guys very much I'll call you guys [Applause] later good night [Applause] w [Applause] w

Transcript for:Hilarious Stand-Up Comedy Insights

Transcript for:
Hilarious Stand-Up Comedy Insights