Transcript for:
Comedic Chaos in Theatrical Productions

It's no good you going on. I can't open sardines and answer the phone. I've only got one pair of feet.

Hello? Yes, but there's no one here, dear. No, Mr. Brent's not here.

He lives here, yes, but he don't live here now because he lives in Spain. Mr. Philip Brent, that's right, the one who writes the plays, that's him. Only now he writes them in Spain. No, dear, she's in Spain too.

They're all in Spain. There's no one here. Am I in Spain? No dear, I'm not in Spain. I look after the apps for them, but I go home at one o'clock on Wednesdays, only I've made myself a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with, to watch the royal...

cold on the tilly. The royal, oh you know. Where's the paper then?

Agam, it's to do with letting the house. You'll have to ring the house agents because they're the agents for the house. Squire, squire, acumen, who's the other one? one. No dear, they're not in Spain.

They're next to the phone in the study. That squire, squire, at them, and oh, hold on, I'll go and look. It's always the same story, isn't it? As soon as you take the weight off your feet, down it all comes on your head.

And I take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines. You leave the sardines and you put the receiver back. Oh, yes, I put the receiver back.

And you leave the sardines. And I leave the sardines? You leave the sardines.

I put the receiver back and I leave the sardines. Right. We've changed that, have we, love? No, love. That's what I've always been doing.

I shouldn't say that, Dotty, my precious. And how about the words, my sweet? Am I getting some of them right? Some of them have a very familiar ring.

Oh, at least like a fruit machine in there. I know that, Dotty. I open my mouth and I never know if it's if it's coming out three oranges or two lemons and a banana. Anyway, it's not midnight yet.

We don't open till tomorrow. So you're holding the receiver? I'm holding the receiver. Squire, squire, acumen, hold on.

Squire, squire, acumen. and then, oh darn, don't go away, I'm putting it down. It's always the same story, isn't it?

You put your feet up for two minutes and they immediately come running after you. Hold it. I have a housekeeper, yes, but this is her afternoon off so we should have them place it.

Come back? Yes, this time go out again with the newspaper. The newspaper? You leave the sabine, you put the receiver back and you go out.

with the newspaper. Here you go, love. Sorry, love.

Oh, don't worry, love. It's only the technical. It's the dress, Gary, honey.

It's the dress rehearsal. So when was the technical? So when is the dress? We open tomorrow. We're all thinking.

Thinking of this as the technical art we love. Please, all those words, my sweet, coming up like oranges and lemons. Don't worry about the words, Dotty, my bestie. Dotty, your words are fine. Your words are better than the...

Do you know what I mean? Isn't that right? Sorry? So, he's the fine, but, Dotty, you've been playing this sort of part for well over...

I mean, do you know what they mean? All right, so Gary, we broke her off. Don't be talking about-No, no, no, no, no, but here we are. We open tomorrow night. We don't know where we are.

We've only had a fortnight to rehearse, but here we are. That's right, my sweetheart. Isn't that right, Lloyd? Beautifully put, Gary.

No, no, we have to play a Western Supermare all the rest of this week, and then Yeovil, and then God knows where else, and God knows where else, for God knows how long, and we're all of us feeling pretty- Pretty much. I mean, aren't you? Anyway, you're off. Don't be holding the receiver.

Sorry, Lloyd. I just thought we opted... Do you know what I mean?

I know, Gary. Thanks, Lloyd. Okay, Gary.

Lloyd, let me, uh... say one thing since we've stopped. I have worked with a lot of directors and some of them were geniuses and some of them were bastards But I have never worked with anyone that was so totally and absolutely I don't know Thank you Gary, I'm very touched.

Now would you please get off the fucking stage? And Brooke? Yes?

Are you in? Yes. Are you there?

What? You're out? Right.

I'll call back later. So, Doctor, you're holding the receiver. So I'm holding the receiver. I put the receiver back and I leave the sardines. And you take the newspaper.

I leave the sardines and I take the newspaper. It's always the same story, isn't it? It's a white off your mind, it's a load off your stomach, and off, at last, I go.

Leave your receiver. I have a housekeeper, yes, but this is... Her afternoon off, so we should have a place in private to ourselves.

I'll just check. Hello? Is anyone here? No, there's no one here.

So, what do you think? Great! And this is all yours?

Just a little shack in the woods, really. Converted possum mill, 16th century. You know. It must have cost a bone. Well, one has to have some place to entertain one's business associates.

Someone coming at four o'clock, in fact. Arab chic. Oil, you know.

Right, and I've got to have those files to our Basingstoke office by four. Oh yes, we'll only just manage to fit it in. I mean, we'll only just do it. Right then. We won't even bother to chill the champagne.

All these doors! Just a handful really. A stud-up, a kitchen and a self-contained service flat for the housekeeper.

Terrific! And which one's the... The what?

You know. Oh, the usual offices? Through here, through here.

Fantastic. Now I'm lost in the starbeams. I'm sorry, I thought that was over here. I'm not here, I'm off. Only it's the royal, you know, where they wear all those acts and they're all covered in fruit.

Who are you? I'm from the agents. From the agents?

Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley. Oh, which one are you then? Squire, Squire, Hackham or Dudley? I'm Trampel May.

Coming in here as if you own the place. I thought you was a bird! No, no, no, I just dropped in to go into a few things.

Check some of the measurements. Do one or two odd jobs. And, uh, uh, uh, client!

I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house. What's wrong with this door? She's thinking of renting it. Her interest is definitely aroused. That's not the bedroom.

It's the bedroom, no! That's the downstairs bathroom in WC Suite. And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.

CLACKET, dear Clacket. Oh, hi. She's not really here. Only it's the royal, you know, with the axe.

Don't worry about us. I'll have the same don though. We'll just inspect the house. Only now, I've lost the newspaper.

Sardines. I'm sorry about this. Sardines.

I forgot all the sardines. Boy, these sardines are driving us mad. Coming over for sardines. Poppies.

There are four plates of sardines in Act 1-11. They go here, they go there. She takes them, I take them. I take them. I mean, don't you feel...

you know... Sorry? The sardines?

What sardines? James'sardines? Make it four grilled turbot off the bone.

I mean, it's all right for you, but you're up there. We're down here. What, possibly have to do it? What, possibly we have bags plus boxes plus doors plus words? Do you know what I mean?

We're not getting any new popping love. We think the sardines are lovely. No, no, I'm just trying to...

you know. So what do you want to change? The bags, the boxes, the doors.

We can't start changing things now, love. I'm just saying. Words, doors, bags, boxes, sardines, us, okay? I've made my point. You most certainly have got all that, Poppy.

Um, well... Right, on we go then. And, Poppy? Yes?

Don't let this happen again. Oh, no. Sorry, Lloyd.

I just thought we ought to... you know what I mean. Okay, Gary. Better out than... you know.

Much better. What is Dottie's happy? Absolutely happy, Lloyd, my love.

Then would you do something for me, Dottie, my precious? Anything, Lloyd, my sweet. Take the sardines off with you. I'm sorry about this. That's alright.

We don't- What does television do? Well, Ella, she's been in the family for generations. Great. Well, come on. I've got to be amazing to go to 5th form.

Perhaps we should just have a glass of champagne. We'll take his art repair. Yes, well...

And don't let my files out of someone's... No, only... What?

Her! He has been in the family for generations. Soddies!

Soddies! It's not for me to say, of course, dear, but let me just say this. Don't think twice about it. Take the plunge. You'll really enjoy it here.

Oh, great. Won't she like it? Oh, well. And we'll enjoy having you, won't we?

Oh, well. Terrific. Sardines?

Sardines. Can't put your feet up on an empty stomach now, can you? You see, she thinks it's great.

She's even making us sardines. Yes, well. I think she's terrific. Terrific. So each way.

All right, before she comes back with the sardines. Up here? Yes, yes. In here? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's a number box. No. Always trying to get me into bathrooms.

I mean through here. Oh, that sheet. It's the airing cupboard. Ah, through here, through here.

Oh, you're in a real state. You can't even get the door open. Hold it.

No, it's Mrs. Clippett's room. And God said hold it. And they held it and he saw that it was terrible.

Sorry, loves, this door won't open. Sorry, loves, this door won't close. Oh, that's nuts.

God said party! Sorry, everyone, I'm doing something wrong. You know how stupid I am about doors. Lady, my sweet, you're doing it perfectly! Just as long as I'm not the one that's broken it.

No! And God said be fruitful and multiply and fetch pins to fix the doors. I just love technicals.

Oh, she loves technicals. Isn't she? I mean, she loves technicals.

Dottie, where's Dottie? Everyone is always so nice to everyone. Oh, isn't she? I mean, she really is.

Isn't she? Belinda is being all beautiful. Freddie, my sweet, don't you like a nice all-night technical?

The only thing I like about a technical is you get a chance to sit on the furniture. Freddie, it's lovely to see you cheering up and making jokes. Oh, is that a joke?

Why, this is such a lovely company to work with. It's such a happy company. Wait till we've got to stop the non-tees in 12 weeks, darling. Now, are you all right, Lloyd, my precious?

I'm beginning to know how God... felt when he was out there in the darkness creating the world. And what did he feel like, Lloyd, my love? Very pleased he'd taken his value. Oh, good.

Now he had six days, of course. We've only got six hours. And God said, where the fuck is Tim?

Nice. And where the fuck was Tim? And God said, let there be doors that open when they open and close when they close.

Do you sound like a ghost? Doors. Are you still in front of us? Doors.

Doors? Tim, are you from the? Lloyd, he has been putting the set up all weekend. You're not trying to do too much, are you, Tim?

Tim, my love, this door won't close. And the bedroom won't... you know.

Right. Now, Lloyd, he hasn't been to bed for 48 hours. Oh, don't worry, Tim.

Only another 24 hours and it'll be the end of the day. Okay, so since we stopped anyway, look, it took two days to get the set up, so we shan't have time for another dress rehearsal, but don't... Don't worry. As long as we can get through this play once tonight for doors and sardines.

Because that's what it's all about, isn't it? Doors and sardines. Getting on. Getting off.

Getting the sardines on. Getting the sardines off. That's farce.

That's theatre. That's life. Oh, Lloyd! You're so deep. So just keep going.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

You're on! Bang! You've said it!

Bang! You're off! You're on every- Everything will be perfectly well, Selster. Oh, no! Selster!

Selster! Poppy! I thought he was up front with you. I thought he was round back with you. Is Mr Mowbray in his dressing room?

Oh, I don't think he would. Not at a technical, would he? What is?

Selster, we can't find him. I don't think he would. Not at a technical.

Half a chance he would. Would what? No, come now, my sweet.

To be fair, we don't know. Yes, it's not come to any conclusions. We just have to get the other.

Tim! Hurry up with those doors, you're going on as the burglar. He shouldn't have been out of sight. I said he must never be left out of sight.

Well he's been good as go all the way through rehearsal. Yes, because in the rehearsal room it was all, I don't know, there we were, do you know what I mean? There was no set, we could see everyone.

Here it's all view. Split into two, there's a front and a back and immediately we've lost him. He's not in his dressing room.

the lavatories. Yes. In the paid...

The store, the scenery drop, the dock and the prop room. Yes! You've worked with him before, of course.

Bring the police. Finish with those doors. Right!

Get the gear on. Sorry about all this, naughty love. No, it's all my fault, Lord, I'm sweet. I cast him.

Let's give him one last chance, I said. One last chance. I mean, what can you do?

We were in weekly rep together in Peebles. It's my fault, Dorothy, my precious. I never should have let you. This two-upper isn't just... I mean, do you know what I mean?

This is a life savings. We know that, Gary. I'm not trying to make my fortune.

Of course you're not, Dorothy. I just wanted to put a little something by. We know now. Just a little something that she could buy. A little house.

That's not too much to ask. Don't you cry, my sweet. It's not your fault. Oh, no. I've got something behind my legs.

Yes, you couldn't expect Brooke to keep anyone in sight. He was standing right there in the stalls before we started. I saw him. Who are we talking about now? It's all right, my love, we can't see anything.

What, do you mean, Celestine? Well, I'm not blind, but I can see Celestine. Oh, Celestine!

Standing there like Hamlet's father. My word, Celestine, you gave us a surprise. We all thought you were an...

Celestine, where have you been? Are you all right, Celestine? Speak to us! Is it a party? Is it a party?

Is it? Killing! I'd have it in my head that there was going to be a rehearsal today.

Having a bit of a post-brand-deal snooze back in the stalls, so super-prepared for the rehearsal. Isn't he lovely? Much lovelier now we can see him.

So what are we celebrating? What are we celebrating? I looked through the dressing room, and I looked through his wardrobe, and I can't find the gear. Beer? In the wardrobe?

No, no, Chelsea. Tim, you look like you could use a rest. Why don't you go upstairs and have a quiet sit-down while you do the entire company's VAT? Okay.

Right. And Tim? Yes? Just in case Selston and the Gear do go wandering off together one night, get yourself a spare burglar costume.

Spare burglar costume? Make it two spare burglar costumes, one that fits you, one that fits Poppy. I want a plentiful supply of burglars in case of any eventuality. Two spare burglar costumes?

He has been on his feet for forty-eight hours, Lloyd! Don't fall down, Tim! We might not be insured! Right. So what's next on the- Well, Selston, I thought we might try a spot of rehearsal.

Oh no, I won't. You won't? Oh no, you go ahead. I'll sit and watch. It's the beer in the wardrobe, is it?

No, no, my sweet. He wants us to rehearse. Oh no, I believe we have to have a rehearsal first. Yes!

Brilliant idea, Selston. Thank you so much. Right, from Belinda and Freddie's entrance.

Lloyd? What now? The police.

The police? They found an old man who was lying unconscious in a doorway just across the street. Yes, thank you. I say he's very dirty and rather smelly.

Thank you, Poppy. Because when you get close to cells, Well, really, I mean if you stand anywhere near cells, you can't help noticing this very distinctive... I'll tell you one thing, Poppy.

Once you get it in your nostrils, it's hard to forget. Sixty years now, the smell of the theatre still haunts me. Right. Oh, bless him! Tell me, Poppy, how did you get a job that requires such tact and understanding?

You're not somebody's girlfriend, are you? No, it's all right, Poppy. He truly did not hear. Not hear?

Yes, yes, there. Sit down, my precious. Go back to sleep. Another twenty pages yet?

Right. Naughty's wildly roasting sardines in the kitchen. Freddie and Belinda are waiting impatiently outside the front door.

Brian and Brooke are disappearing tremulously into the... into the bedroom. Time is sliding irrevocably into the past. Aren't they sweet?

What? Gary and Dottie! Shh! You mean those two who bear an item?

Trampoline and clapper? Well, it's supposed to be a secret. But Dottie's older than me! Shh!

Didn't you know? I'm just God, Melinda, honey. I'm just the one with the English degree. I don't know anything.

What's happening? Gary? I don't know what you're waiting for, Gary.

Perhaps your 16th birthday. What? Or maybe your Q broke.

Oh, you're in a real state. Oh, you're in a real state? You can't even get the door open. Door closed, huh?

You can't even get the door open. Gary! It's Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off, remember?

We've got the place entirely to ourselves. Home! Home, sweet home.

Dear old house. Just waiting for us to come back. It's rather funny, though, creeping in like this for our wedding anniversary. Oh, it's damn serious.

If in that revenue we'd have found out if we were in the country even for one night, bangers aren't claiming to be residents abroad. Bangers mostly see as income. I feel like an illegal immigrant. I'll tell you what I feel like. Oh, champagne?

I wonder if Mrs. Clackett's heir to the banks. Darling. No, why not?

No children, no friends dropping in. We are absolutely on our own. True. There's something to be said for being a tax exile.

Eat them! The forest. What? In that then you may hear us.

What I did with their first lot of sardines I shall never know. Mrs. Clarke! You give me a turn! My eyes have dried out of my boots!

So did mine. Where'd not you go? I thought you were in Spain! Oh, we are, we are.

You haven't seen us! We're not here. Oh, like that is it.

The income tax are after you. Well, they would be if they knew we were here. All right then, I haven't seen you. Anybody asks for you, I don't know nothing.

Off to bed, are you? Oh. Well, that's right.

Nowhere like bed when they all get on top of you. You're watching things, look. Oh, yes, thank you. And that bed...

There hasn't been air, Blum. I'll get a hot water bottle. I put all your letters in the study, dear.

Letters? What letters? You've followed all the mail, don't you? Not the ones from the income tax, sweetheart. I wouldn't want to spoil your holidays.

Oh, good heavens, where are they? I put them all in the pigeon house. In the pigeon house?

In the little pigeon house at your desk, dear. Yes, right, your voices. Hold it! Hold it! Freddie, what's the trouble?

Sorry, Lloyd, you know how stupid I am about moves. Sorry, Gary. Sorry, Brooke.

It's just my usual dimness. You see, I never understood why he carries the themes into the study. Wouldn't it be more natural if I left them on?

No. Well, I thought it would be somehow more logical. No. Look, I know it's a bit late in the day to be getting into all this.

Freddie, we have several minutes left before we open. Yes, thank you, Lloyd. Just as long as we're not too hushed.

You see, I never understood why he carries an overnight bag and a box of of groceries into the study to read his mail. Because they have to be out of my way for my next scene. I see that.

And Freddy, my sweet, Salston needs them in the study for his next scene. I see that. Salston, where is he?

Is he there? Salston! Salston!

Your box? Your birthday gift? You ought to be prostituted for incitement. No?

No, Salston, thank you. Well, I'm sorry, I thought I'd heard my ne- No, we have to sneak Celestine another ten pages before the big moment. I do apologise.

Not at all! Nice to see you. Bobby, please put the glass back in the window. And Celestine. Yes?

Beautiful performance. Oh, you're too kind. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Do you remember the lines? Alright, I understand all that. I just don't see why I'd take them.

Freddie! Why does anyone do anything? Why does that other idiot walk out the front door carrying two plates of sardines?

I'm not getting it, you know. No, of course not. I mean, why do I?

I mean, right, if you think about it, why do I? Who knows? The well-springs of human action are deep and cloudy.

Maybe something happens to a little child that makes you scared to let go of groceries. Or it could be genetic. Yes, or it could be human.

It could well be. Of course, yes, I see all that. Freddy, love, I'm telling you, I don't know. I don't think the author knows.

I don't know why the author came into this industry in the first place. I don't know why any of us came into it. All the same, if you could just give me a reason. All right, Freddy, I'll give you a reason.

You take the groceries into the study, Freddy, honey, because it's just slightly after midnight, and we won't finish with this before we open tomorrow night. Correct, Sid, before we open tonight! Right, from Freddy's exit with the groceries! Lloyd, sweetheart, his wife left him this morning. Oh, Freddy!

I think... The point is, you experience a great fright when she mentions income tax. And you feel very insecure in its throes when you need something familiar to hold onto. What?

Yes, yes, thank you. Thank you, boy, that's most important. Bless you, my sweet. And on we merrily go. Yes, but I can hear voices.

Yes, but I can hear voices. Voices? What sort of voices? People's voices.

Darling, I saw the door handle move. It could be someone from the office coming to check up. Well, I still don't see why you've got to put your tie on to go look. Mrs. Crackit!

Mrs. Crackit! One has to set an example to the staff. Oh, look, she's opened our sardines! Oh, come back!

What? Oh, Benjamin can't go downstairs dressed like that. Why not? Mrs. Crackit!

Mrs. Crackit! One has certain obligations. Sardines here, sardines there.

It's like a Sunday school outing. You're still poking around, are you? Yes, still poking.

Well, still around. In the airing cupboard, were you? Oh, no, no. Just checking the sheets and the pillowcases, going through the inventory.

Mrs. Clackett. Clackett, dear? Clackett? Mrs. Clackett.

Is there anyone else in the house, Mrs. Clackett? I haven't seen no one live. I thought I heard voices. Voices?

There's no voices here, dear. I must have imagined it. Oh, good Lord.

Oh, wow. I beg your pardon. Oh, good Lord above. The study door is open. There's another card outside.

That's not Mr. Hackham's, is it? Or Mr. Dutley's? Nothing but flapping doors in this house.

If I don't notice, the steps will be taken. Distraint proceedings in court. Oh, yes, that reminds me, love.

A gentleman come about the house. Oh, don't tell me I'm not here. Says he's got a lady quite aroused.

Everything the Squire, Squire Hackam and Dudley. All right then, I'll just let them go all over, shall I? They'll do anything they want, just as long as they don't know we're here.

So I'll just sit right here and turn on the te-Sardines! I've forgotten the sardines! I don't know if it wasn't fixed to my shoulders, I forget what day it was.

I didn't get this. I'm not here. I'm in Spain. But if I didn't get it, then I didn't open it.

Darling, I never had a dress like this, did I? Oh, didn't you? No, I shouldn't buy anything as tarty as this.

Oh, it's not something you gave me, is it? I should never have touched it. No, it's lovely. Stick it down, put it back, never saw it. Oh, well, I'll just put it in the attic with all the other things you've given me that are too precious to wear.

Alright, alright, another study door. What's going on? Knocking? Upstairs? Oh my god!

There's something in the airing cupboard! Oh, it's you! I'm caught, it's me!

You put me in there, in the dark, with all black sheets and things. But darling, why did you lock the door? Why did I lock the door?

Why did you lock the door? I did lock the door! Somebody locked the door! And I won't cut the standard like this! Underwear!

Okay, I'll take it up. Out in here, in here! Darling, hold it.

This glue, is it the sort you can have in your stump? Oh, which one is it this time? The left.

It's the left one! Come on everybody! It could be anywhere. Yes, or it could have gone over and then fallen down and then bounced somewhere else again. Where did the last see it?

Oh, she didn't see it, poor sweet. It was in her eye. It was probably... Oh, why did I lock the door? She opens her eyes very sort of.

I mean, don't you, my sweet? I always feel I should rush forward too. Why will you put your feet, my love? Yes, everyone look under their feet.

Nobody move their feet. Everyone put their feet back exactly where they were. Pick your feet up one by one. Brooke, this isn't the sort of thing that's going to happen during a performance, is it?

We don't want people missing their buses and trains. And she'll just carry on, won't you, my love? But can she see anything without them? Can she hear anything without them? I'm sorry.

Oh! No! Oh my poor darling! You stood on his head! Freddie the poor precious!

What happened to his? Nothing, he's got a little nosebleed, that's all. Nosebleed?

No one touched it. No, he's got a thing about vines. Diamonds, you see it always makes his nose bleed. I'm so sorry.

Bruh. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said something to me. Yes, take this and hit the box office manager over the head with it and you will have officially finished off live theatre in Western Superman.

Anyway, I found it. She found it! Where was it, love?

In my eye! In her eye! Well done, my sweet!

Not my left eye. It had gone around the side. Oh!

Like, you hadn't gone far. Are you alright, Poppy, my love? I think so.

Freddie! Uh, I'm fine. I'm fine, yes.

Oh, dear. Now what? He's just feeling a little faint, that's all. He's got this thing about... Thing about what?

Well, I won't say the word. You mean blood? It's all right, Freddie. We all understand.

Right, right, everyone clear the stage, walking wounded, carry the stretcher cases. Right, and on we bloodily staggered... Sorry, Freddie, I retract that statement. On we blindly stumbled. Brooke, I'm sorry about that.

From your exit, anyway. Wait, wait, wait, wait, where's Selston? Selston! I think some man dropped it down here somewhere. Thank you, Selston.

Another five pages? Yes, sir. Anyway, you can't stand here like this, like watching a runaway.

Okay, I'll take it off in here, in here. In here, in here! Darling!

This glue, is it the sort you can never get unstuck? Oh, look, Miss Packard's made us some sardines! Now what? A hot water bottle, I didn't put it there.

I didn't put it there. Someone in the bathroom filling hot water bottles. You don't think there's something creepy going on?

Darling, are you coming to bed or aren't you? What did you say? I didn't say anything.

First the door, then the hot water bottle. I can feel goose pimples all over. Yes, quick, get something around you.

Get the covers over. Just a moment, what did I do with those sardines? You wait here.

You hear all sorts of funny things about these old houses. Yes, but this one has been extensively modernised throughout. I don't see how anything creepy would survive oiled fires in Kilgirrigan.

What? What is it? What's going on? The sardines, they're gone! Perhaps there is something funny going on.

I'm going to- Why did you get into bed and put them there? I put them there or was it there? I suppose Mrs. Frock could have taken them away again.

What is it? Bag! Bag!

Bag! What do you mean bag? Bag!

Bag! Bag! Bag? What bag?

No bag! No bag? Oh, I'm so sorry. Suddenly here, now gone. It's in the bedroom.

I put it in the bedroom. Don't get me down! The box!

The box! They've both gone! My file!

What on earth is happening? Where's Mrs. Spratchett? You wait Well, at least put your dress back on. I'm not going in there.

I'll fetch it for you. I'll fetch it for you. Yes, I'll take you unless you don't appear. Your dress has gone!

I'm never going to see Frasier Stoke again. Don't panic. Don't panic.

There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. I will fetch Mrs. Splotchet. She will tell us what happened. You wait here. Now you can't stand her looking like that.

Wait in the study. Study, study, study, study! Roger, there's a strange figure in there!

Where are you? Darling, this is going to sound silly but... Darling, if you're not coming to bed, I'm going to clear out the attic. Darling, I can't come to bed. I'm due to the tax demands.

Darling, why don't you put the sardines down? Darling, I'm glued to the sardines! Darling, don't play the fool! Get that waffle-march poison in the downstairs loo! That ain't screw anything!

I've heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous! Selston! We're there! The moment's arrived!

It's all right, love! He's coming! He's coming! But his arms would already be through the window before Freddy's even off stage!

Ah, and there he is! With no burglar at arms, we ought to be prosecuted for incitement. All right, Chelsden. No, but sometimes it makes me want to sit and weep.

Hold it, Chelsden. When I think I used to do banks. Hold it.

When I remember I used to do bullion vaults. Hold it. What am I doing now? I'm breaking into paper bags. We want you to hold it.

So what are they offering? Stop, Chelsden, my love. Wait, my precious.

Like Myra Hest playing on two earrings. Stop. Stop!

Stop! Stop! Thank you, Melinda. Thank you, Poppy.

I met Myra Hess once. I think you can hear better than I can. Beg pardon? From your entrance, please, Selznick. No, it was during the war at a charity event in Sutherland.

Thank you. Poppy! Uh, no thanks.

Keeps me up at night. Please put the glass back on. I'm sorry.

...in the window once more. Should I come on again? Yes, and this time, Selston. Yes. A little earlier.

Selston, a touch sooner, a shade closer to yesterday. I want you moving as soon as Freddy gives his line. Freddy! What's the line? I've heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.

I want you moving as soon as you hear the line, I've heard of people getting stuck with a problem. Stuck with a problem? Stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous. And I want your arm through that window, right?

Say no more. But could I make a small suggestion? Should I perhaps come on a bit sooner? Selston.

Though there does seem to be a bit of a hiatus between Freddy's exit and my entrance. No. Wait, Selston. Don't worry, I think I've got it. Yes?

How about coming on a little earlier? Now we're obviously thinking along the same line. Am I putting him on or is he putting me on?

From your exit, anyway. I've heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous. What?

No burglar alarms? They ought to be prosecuted for incitement. No- But sometimes it makes me want to sit and weep when I think I used to do banks, when I remember I used to do bullion vaults.

What am I doing now? I'm breaking into paper bags. So what are they offering?

Ha, one microwave oven. It's hardly worth lifting it. Oh, junk, junk.

Oh, if you insist. So where's his desk? No, they all say the same thing.

They all... say the same thing. What's the line? It's hard to adjust to retirement.

It's hard to adjust to retirement. Hard to what? Adjust to retirement!

It's also very hard to hear when everyone's talking at once. As a prospective tenant naturally wishes to know... if there's any previous history of paranormal phenomena. Oh yes, dear, it's all very nice and paranormal.

I mean, has anything ever dematerialized before? Has anything ever, uh, flown about? Flown about?

No, dear, the things here move about on their own two feet, just like they do in India. Well, I'd better warn my prospective tenant, she's inspecting the study. There's a man in there! No, no, there's no one in the outslum.

Look, look, he's searching for something! I can't see no one. We can't see him. But that's extraordinary.

But where is my prospective tenant? I left her in there. She's gone. My prospective tenant has disappeared.

Oh, my God. There. Where? The sardines. The sardines.

You can see the sardines. I can see the sardines. I can see the way they're going too. I am not letting these sardines out of my hand, but where is my prospective tenant?

I'm going to be opening sardines all night long, in and out of here like a cuckoo on a clock. Where has she gone? Vicki! Vicki! No, I miss the violence.

I miss having people around to terrify. Where has she gone? Vicki!

It's nice to hear a bit of screaming and shouting every now and again. All this silence is driving me crazy. Vicki! Vicki! I'm going to end up talking to myself.

Darling, um, look at that stuff that eats through anything. It eats through trousers. Darling, you don't think if it eats through trousers it just goes right on and eats through...through.

Darling, um, this is... I think I better get these trousers off. Ah! Ah! Darling!

Darling, I think I can feel it! I think it's eating the rest of the other thing! There's something evil in this house. He's back!

Oh, no! I'm not here. He's not here.

I'm abroad. He's walking abroad. I must go. Stay.

I won't, thank you. Speak. Only in the presence of my lawyer.

Only in the presence of a... hold on, hold on. You're not from the other world?

Yes, yes. Ah, Marbella. No, you're not.

You're some kind of intruder. Nice to meet you. I'm Sonny. No, no, not.

You're some kind of sex maniac. You've done something with Vicky. Well, I'm going to come straight downstairs.

Oh, since you're... I'm sorry. You already have a plate of sardines, I can't help you!

You should plan your march for the police! I better be running along, come back! Hello, police! Someone has broken into my house.

Or rather, someone has broken into someone's house. No, no, no! He's a sex maniac! I left a young woman here, and what's happened to her, no one knows! There's a man lurking in the undercrow- The young woman has come back.

Are you alright? No, he almost saw me. He almost saw her. He's a burglar and he's taken our things. The things are here.

Our things have come back. So, we're just missing a place. of sardines.

Well here are the sardines. And we found the sardines. This is the police? You want the police here in my underwear. So what am I saying?

I am saying let's say no more about it. I thought something terrible had happened to you. It has. I know him.

You know him? He's dealt with by our office. He's just an ordinary sex maniac. Yes, but he mustn't see me like this. Well, then put something on.

I haven't got anything. Where's the bathroom then? There must be something in the bathroom. And bring the sardines.

That's the downstairs. Tie it up a bit. We'll just have a quick going over.

Upstairs for them? A bath man? Better than nothing!

I can't go around in front of our taxpayers wearing a bath man! The bedroom's in, there must be something in the bedroom! No, no, no, I'm not going in there!

Fine, I'll look in the bedroom, you look in the other bathroom! Fine, I'll look in the bedroom, you look in the other bathroom! Darling, help! Darling, help!

Where are you? Roger, The tea service is a great place to do it. It's got the first real hour.

Who are you? Oh no, it's a boy. Excuse me, I believe you've dropped... this. Where have you been?

Oh darling, I've been going mad. Look at the state I'm in. Oh darling, honestly, she just burst into the bathroom and the dress fell off. Put this off for a moment while I see if there's anything else for you in the attic.

Good peck, old Taps. Who are you? Me?

Just doing the taps, Governor. Tax? Income tax?

Yes! Income, new taps, alcohol tax. Tax inspectors everywhere.

Hey, what's up? The other one! Darling, I found your crest.

It came flying out the attic at me. I've got the dress stuck to my head now! Another intruder!

Just do an attack, governor. Attack? An attack on women?

I'll try anything once, governor, but I'm gonna do an attack on women. There's sex maniacs everywhere! Where is Vicky? Vicky!

People everywhere. I'm off. Attacks on women.

They don't put attacks on anything these days. If I can't find her, you're going to be in trouble, you see. WC? I'll fix that.

Where is she gone? Vicky! I thought you were coming in four.

This must be your charming wife. But you're here to see over the house, are you, Sheik? Well, since you're upstairs already...

You better get moving. I'll bring this over there. We'll start downstairs. Who are you? Who are these creatures?

I'm sorry about this. I don't know who she is. No connection to the house, I assure Whereas this good woman with the sardines on the other hand...

No other hands, thank you. Not in my sardines because this time I'm eating them....is fully occupied with her sardines so perhaps the toilet facilities would be more interesting. Mrs Clacken, who are these people?

Oh, we get them all the time, love. They're just Arab sheets. I'm sorry about that.

In here... Arab sheets! In here we have... Ballcocks, Governor.

Your ballcocks have gone. We have here... They are Irish sheets!

Irish linen sheets off my home! Oh, the thieving devil! How other than the study, however. You give me that sheet, you devil! Oh!

And there she stands in her schools for all the world to see. It's you! It's her!

It's my little girl! Dad! Oh, Vicky, you ran away from home!

I thought I'd never see you again! Well, would you believe it? Dad, what are you doing here like this?

What are you doing? doing here like that? I'm taking our files on tax evasion to Inland Revenue in Basingstoke. Ugh. But where's my other sheet?

Ah, a house of heavenly peace. Hold on, hold on! That's not the chic, that's the sex maniac! Yes, it's my husband!

You take all the clean sheets! You smash my Batman! You toss me aside like I'm broken!

In China, dog! Hey, Decapitour Loff, you've got your trousers on. And what you're doing with my little girl down there in Basingstoke? Stop. Stop.

It's a question of authenticity, you see, Freddy. Do Arab potentates... wear trousers underneath their robes.

I don't know. Maybe they do, but not round their ankles, Freddie. Not round their ankles. Lloyd, it's just frightfully difficult to do a quick change without a dresser. I'll have Tim help you.

Tim! Come on, Tim! Where are you, Tim?

Tim! Oh, you're acting right. I must have knocked off down there. Never mind, Tim. Uh, can you stop it?

Let it go, Tim. We'll just struggle on without you. Tim will have a nap behind the sofa while the rest of us run around with our trousers round our ears. So you'll just have to do the best you can, okay Freddy?

Some other problem? Well, since we've stopped... Why did I ask? Look, you know how stupid I am about plot. I know that, Freddy.

May I ask a silly question? My studies in world drama lie at your disposal. See, I never understood why the Sheik comes on as Philip's double. Because he comes in and we all think he's...

you know. That's the joke? I see that.

My sweet, the rest of the plot depends on it. I see that, but isn't it rather a coincidence? It is rather a coincidence, Freddie, until you realize that there's an earlier draft of the play, now unfortunately lost to us, and in this the author states that as a young man, Philip's father traveled extensively in the Middle East.

Ah, yes, I see, I see. You see? Yes, that's very interesting.

I thought you might like it. Will the audience get it? You must show them, Freddy.

Looks, gestures, that's what acting's about, okay? Right, right, thank you, Lloyd, thank you. And it'll be far more powerful when you do it with no trousers on.

Right, so can we please take it from Belinda's beautiful line, you toss me aside like a broken china doll. I'm being so clever out there. What can we learn from this show when I'm off doing Richard III and you're here on your own?

Right, you toss me aside like a broken. broken china doll. You toss me a sign like a broken china doll! And what you're doing with my little girl down there in Basingstoke, I won't ask. But I tell you one thing, Vicky.

Brooke? Sorry? Your line, honey, come on, we're two lines away from the end of the act. I don't understand. Give her a line!

What's that, Dad? Yes, but I don't understand. It's, what's that, Dad?

Yes, yes, I see. I tell you one thing, Vicky, and you say back to me, what's that, Dad? I don't understand why the sheep looks like filler. OK. Yes, OK.

Yes, yes. OK. Barbie, bring the book.

Is that the line? Poppy, I don't understand why the sheep looks like Philip. Shall we consult the office tech to make absolutely sure? Well, I think it's...

What's that? Dad! Right!

That's the line, Brooke, honey. Look... We know you worked in some very fancy places in London where they let you make up the play as you go along, but we don't want that here, do we?

Not when the author has given us such a considered and polished line of his own. Not at one o'clock in the morning. Not two lines...

away from the end of Act One, not when we all need a tea break before we drop dead from exhaustion. We nearly want to hear the line, What's that, Dad? Nothing more?

I'm not being unreasonable, am I? Ugh! Exit? Does it say exit?

Oh dear, now she's going to wash her benches away. A little heavy with the sauce, I thought. I always thought it was going to be poppy when he finally, you know... Yes, it's usually poppy, isn't it, love?

But why pick on, you know... Yes, why Brooke? I thought it was rather sweet, actually. Sweet? You know, pretending they're not having a little thing together.

A little thing? Lloyd and Brooke? Didn't you know? Brooke and Lloyd.

Where do you think they've been all weekend? Oh my god, you mean that's where they were when poor Tim was done-Put the center back to front. Oh, shh, here they come. Okay, all three of them. Given I was irresistible.

I think I'm going to be sick. Hello! Oh, for heaven's sake. You mean her too?

Well, that is something I didn't know. Yes, sit down, love. Quick, sit down and do your meditation.

Well, there's something she didn't know. Hush, love. Two weeks rehearsal is all we've had. How exciting!

Whatever next? Yes, here he comes. Is she all right, love?

She'll be all right in a minute. Something she ate, probably. This one's feeling a bit, you know. I'm feeling a bit, you know, myself. I think I might...

Which? Bait? Or be sick?

Need that tea break. You're certainly overdoing it at the moment, aren't you, love? So can we please have the last line?

Last line? Yes. I'll tell you one thing, Vicky. What? When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like a good old-fashioned plate of...

Slime. A good old-fashioned plate of... Good old fashioned plate of... Good old fashioned plate... What?

SAUCKINS! And blackout! Oh! Yes, Bucky!

That's fine, go! You are in your 10 minute intermission. Feel free to make any concessions for a snack or go into the theatre.

This is a two-act one. It's already 360. Are those three that? Please, Miss Ashton, Mr Lejeune, Mr Fellow, assist there.

Act 1 beginners, please. Maybe act 1 beginners is what we'll get. What do you think? Oh, Toti will pull us out together now we've called beginners. Now she knows she's got me on stage in five minutes.

Don't she? Will she? You know what it's like. We've only been on the road for a month.

We've only gone to Ashton Underlin. What's it going to be like when you've got to stop in on the tea? If only she'd speak.

If only she'd unlock her dressing-room door. Look, Dirty won't go on. Won't go on?

She won't. She will? I'm sure she will. Won't she?

She will. Of course she will. But if she doesn't...

She must. She will. She will. But if she didn't? I'd have five minutes to change, or four minutes.

Oh God, if only she'd say something! I'll have another go. You can fix your mind off your own problems anyway. Has she gone? Who is it?

I didn't know you were coming here. I haven't. I wasn't. Anyway, thank God you're here. I'm not.

I'm an abbaswith. I'm in the middle of rehearsing Richard III. Right.

But there's been a bit of a— I don't want anyone to know I'm in. Okay. Well, there's been a bit of a— I just want two hours alone on the stove with Brooke in her dressing room, and then I'm on the 725 back to Wales.

I can send that boy for dinner. This is for Brooke. Keep it somewhere safe.

Don't let Selz then get his hands on it. Right. Well, it had to come around— Good. Look, there's a little flower shop across the road from the dressing room door. Right.

Well, now, she locked herself in a dressing room. They're not for Poppy. No.

First house in just after five. Yes, second house starts at 7.30. Lloyd, that's what I'm trying to tell you. There may not be a show. She hasn't walked out already.

No one knows what she's doing. She's locked herself in a dressing room. She won't speak to anyone. You've called beginners?

Yes. I can't do a romantic scene cold in five minutes. It's not dramatically possible. Perfect.

Well, she's had bust-ups with Gary before, Brooks. Had a bust-up with Gary? Brooke?

Not Brooke. Dottie! Oh, Dottie. Right, well they had the famous bus stop the week before last and we were doing workshops.

Yes, yes, she told me on the phone. Right, she went out with that journalist, bro. Journalist, yes, yes.

But you know, Gary threatened to kill him. Kill Tim, yes. Look, don't worry about Dottie.

She's got money in the show. Right, but now it's happened again, Lloyd. Two o'clock this morning I'm walking by a great banging at my door. It's Gary.

Do you know where Dottie is? Tim, come on, yeah. Tim, let me tell you a little bit about my life.

I have the Duke of Buckingham. him on the phone to me for an hour every night complaining that the Duke of Gloucester is sucking boiled sweets through his speeches. The Duke of Clarence is off for the week doing a commercial for Madeira. And Richard himself, would you believe, Richard III is now out on the back problem.

I understand. I have been given messages from Brooke saying how unhappy she is here and now she's got herself a doctor's certificate for nervous exhaustion. She's going to walk.

I have no time to find or rehearse another Vicki. I have just one afternoon while Richard is fitted for a surgical corset to cure Brooke of nervous exhaustion with no more medical aid than a bottle of whiskey, you have the whiskey, a few flowers, you have the money for the flowers, and a certain faded charm. So I haven't come to the theatre to hear about other people's problems.

I've come to be taken out of myself and preferably not put back in again. Yes, but Lloyd, what do we do? You don't think of house calls? Don't think of house calls? Then don't let Poppy see those flowers.

Leave. I'm not going to let Poppy see those flowers. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats? The girls will rise in three minutes. They want me to be so late up.

No luck? Belinda's having a go. I haven't even started the front of house calls yet. Mummy, what's this for?

Uh, nothing. Whiskey? Is it?

Where did you find that? Well... Up here?

You mean, Stelston's hiding around the stage now? I'll put in the ladies'louvets. You won't go in there.

No? No, you've got the doggies like this, like this. Freddie's trying now. Oh, no!

He's hiding around the stage now. No? No.

You didn't try to get it on, my precious. No, well, I... Oh, dear.

He's hiding around the stage now. Oh, well, Gary came out of his dressing room in a great state. I couldn't quite understand what he was trying to... I must have missed something somewhere. You know how stupid I am about that kind of thing.

But it sounded as though he wanted to kill me. Oh, my poor sweet! I thought I'd better leave him to it.

He's all right, is he? Gary? Well, anything but by the sound of it. He'll go on, won't he? Oh, is this about Gary not going on?

Of course he's going on. Yes, because if you go on for Gary, then Poppy can't go on for Dottie, because if you go on for Gary, Poppy's got to be on the book. This is getting farcical. now? Money?

Oh, that's for the flowers! She's such a funny woman, the Dottie. So, up and down, she was perfectly alright last night. Last night? Yes, we went to some club she knows about for a drink after the show.

She was with you! You were with her! Yes, she was being very sympathetic about all my troubles.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She is not going to sink her teeth into you. I won't let her. No, no, she couldn't have been nicer. In fact, she came back to my digs afterwards for a cup of tea.

She stayed up till three o'clock this morning. I don't know what the landlady must have... And another thing? Nothing else, my sweet. Where's Selston?

Turns out here Freddy is the cause of all the... Selston? He's not in his dressing room. Oh, I might have guessed. Oh, the front of house calls.

Okay, you do the front of house calls and I will go look for Selston. What shall I do? Have I done nothing at all?

Right. You have done quite enough already, my sweet. Ladies and gentlemen, may you please take your seats.

The couple of wives have been trained in this. He wants to kill someone. Selston wants to kill someone?

What? Selston? We've lost him. Oh, not again. Mowers!

Are they? James, that's so sweet of you. Well, no. Isn't that sweet of him?

Oh, yes, very charming. I'll just look in the pub. Help, please. I'll take those! Oh, get them!

Some house calls, don't be... Uh, how can somebody done them? She gave them two minutes, said she'll give them one. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats? The curtains will rise in one minute.

You know, I think she gave them three minutes. Three minutes? She said three minutes, I said three minutes!

Hold these! Ladies and gentlemen, may I please take your seats? The curtain's going to rise in two minutes. Can he laugh? No, by Gandhi and another bottle.

He's hanging in the ladies'lavatory. What's your belated name? Oh dear.

Er, Oxfam. I'll give it to Oxfam. He's not in the pub? No, he's hanging around ladies'lavatories. I'd better get this spare beer on.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in two minutes. Seems we're only done two minutes.

We're still two minutes! Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in one minute.

What the fuck is going on? Lloyd! Chris Scott! I didn't know you were here! I'm not.

I'm at the Abbasworth Festival, but I can't sit out there and listen to three minutes, two minutes, one minute, two minutes! My sweet, we are having great dramas in the dressing room! We're having great dramas? It's the matinee, honey.

We have old age pensioners out there. We hear the curtain will rise in three minutes. We start making our way towards the gate. We hear the curtain will rise in one minute. We start running back.

We don't know which way we're going. Lloyd, I've got to have a talk with you. And we're going to.

You have a message? Many, many messages. Why didn't you answer?

I did. I have. I'm here.

Lloyd, there's something I've got to tell you. Go on then. Well, I'm back.

Daddy? Later, later, I'll run. Oh no, not another one! In my dressing room.

In your dressing room! This is getting completely out of control! Ox, so now give it to Ox for the girl.

One, two, three, thank you. Lloyd? Lloyd.

You got it in one. You got my message. And came running, dear, and came running. Lloyd, we've got to have a talk.

Thank you, I promise. When? Later.

I'll write later. Flowers? Oh, yes, sorry.

Tim bought them for me. Tim? Bought them?

for you. Tear me up. Nothing more.

Just for the moment. Do me a favor and strangle Tim the next time you see him for me, will you? Right.

But what about Dottie? Don't want to hear about Dottie. What about Gary? Don't want to hear about Gary. What about Selsdon?

Look, this play is beyond the help of a director. So you just do it and I'll sit out there in the dark with a bag of toffees and enjoy it, okay? One minute was the last minute. the last call if your memory goes back that far. Lloyd!

Wait! Excuse me. I've got to talk to you!

I'm scared, Alison. I have got a good mind to flip my cook on and walk out there and... And you're right here and now!

Look, if you're not feeling up to performing, I'm sure Poppy would love to have a bash on your behalf. I don't mind your pausing. Honestly.

Look, why don't you sit down and do your meditation? And Poppy, why don't you go check on Gary and Daughty and Freddie? Oh, my sweet precious. Did I do something wrong? Where's Tim?

It's Esther! Are you alright? Oh, uh, me? We have been looking for you everywhere!

Everywhere, the front, the manager's office, the bar. No sign of him anywhere. No, no, my love, he's looking for you in the dressing room. That's right, great shindig going on down there. I thought Tim ought to know about it.

Oh, my love, I think he's heard. Oh, yes, yes. I know when you've got your eye on someone.

That's what she said. Oh dear, Dotty's got her eye on someone, has she? I've seen you creeping around in the corners with that poor half-wit.

Oh, which poor half-wit? Don't ever... mind my love. Not him?

No! No! Which one is there? Apart from me. I think they're coming!

Oh they're coming! They're coming! I knew they wouldn't.

You're here? Oh yes, every word of it. Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The performance is about to begin. They're coming.

And we found Stelios! How did you get here? How?

Through the war. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. I'm done, I'm done!

It's about to begin. Yes, about to begin, about to begin! It's about to begin any moment.

Oh, no! He is going to choke on his coffee! Yes, the walls are very thin, you see. I'm absolutely sick to death of it, she cried. Am I starting a bit of a trend?

Oh! Understanding my home, I may. Oh, for Gary, yes, very timely. You're trying to give someone a leg up. Oh, this is what she's doing.

Gary, my love. Gary, maybe it was a leg over. Oh, here he is. Are you all right, Gary?

What's he say? He's not saying anything, my sweetie. Very sensible, only stirred up again. I've seen you give little nods and smiles. Oh, she's emerged.

Come on. Come on, old girl, you're on. Are you all right?

Is she all right? She's fine. Thank you everyone! Little husband screaming Hush, hush!

Look, Doughty, look, Gary, I'm not going to make a great speech about this, but we've all got to go out there and put on our best performance and well... We can't do it in silence, my loves! We are going to have to...

Speak to each other! What's the house like? Oh, that's the spirit!

Well done, Dotty. It's quite good for a man, eh? There's quite a crowd at the front of the back stalls.

Well, come on, girl, get the tabs up. Some of these grey hairs haven't got much time left. Right, quiet, help me. Hold on, Poppy, let me just say one more thing. No, let me- Let me say one word.

Sardines! Sardines! Sardines!

Standing by please. Music cue one. Now what?

We're just going up. We've been sitting out there for an hour. They've gone quiet.

They think somebody's died. Lloyd, it's my fault. See, I was saying a few words to everyone. Freddie, have you ever thought of getting a brain transplant? Right.

One moment, I see that. Does anyone else have something they must share? Well, not now, of course. I'm sorry. I mean, you know, later.

And, um, you got flowers for Poppy. No! Well, and you didn't get any flowers for me?

No. Tim, have you heard of such a thing as a jealous rage? Yes.

Then get ten pounds of your own money, Tim, and get some flowers for me. But, Lloyd, we're just going up. I've got to run the show. Don't worry about the show. Worry about floral arrangements.

Got them for Poppy. You can both share Freddy's old... You can have Happy!

Oh, Pommy, my love, don't you cry! Let's just get the old bus on the road then! 35, please, let's have fun!

CRY! CRY IN THAT STAGE! I'm a good kid!

I'm a good kid! I'm a good kid! I'm a good kid! Hush, hon!

Shh! Music you want, go! Pass!

No, not! No, not! It's just too loud and all. I can't open so I need to air it off.

Oh, I've only got one pair of seats. Hello? Yes, but there's nobody in here. No, he's the red one.

That's him. No, dear, she's in spite too, Daryl. She's in spite. There's no one.

No, dear, I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you.

I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. Only I've made myself a size of paper. Sorry. George the Royal.

Oh, what's it called when I tell you? Paper, then. We should have a place entirely to ourselves. We'll just check.

Hello? Is there anyone here? Study! I'm teaching at the self-contained service class for the housekeeper!

I lost my salary! That's alright, I'm not selling you. I got you, I bought you a Lisa Royal for two dollars.

I'm from the 80s, I just dropped in. You know, it's really scary.. That's probably the end of the line.

Speaking of the end of the line, interest is definitely around. This is the housekeeper, Mrs. Cluckett. Black in the end, black in the end.

Well, now we're both in the same boat. I'm sorry about this. That's all right. We don't want the talent.

Well, now that you're talking about it, you'll take it out on us. Yes, ma'am. It's just that I've got it. Now, I'm going to go.

Now, I'm going to go. She's a has been in the family for years. Sorry, sorry, it's not what you say, bossy. Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Take this, Lodge. You'll really enjoy it. and we enjoy our party. Sorry!

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Sorry! Sorry! You see, she's afraid.

She's making up stories. Well, well. I'm cheap crazy.

I'm so cheap crazy. I'm so cheap crazy. I'm so cheap crazy.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's another bathroom. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, that's cheap. Oh, that's cheap.

It's the alley cover. I'm gonna do it. It's fine.

We off, we off. I'm gonna get you now, get the hell out of here! Oh, you can't do that to me!

Oh, come back! I've been thinking about this for years now. This is cracking!

This is cracking! One has certain obligation! Sardines here! Sardines there! Come put your cake on there!

This stuff ain't that good! Oh, you're still cooking, Reverend, are you? I'm still cooking, but I'm still pulling. In the air you're cooking, were you? No, You larder bow!

Break your heart! What is this noise all about? Break my heart! I'm sorry! I will follow you.

Oh, I forgot to do something. I forgot to do something. I know what you mean. You can show this to me. I can't watch you eat.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, they're looking for Heather. Oh, but you're following my words, you know. And you're the same. No, no, no, stop it. Sorry!

What? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? I'm walking. I do nothing!

I'm a stand-up! I'm a kick-ass! I'm off!

There's something in the air, brother. How about you? Is it you, Eddie? You know, standing here with all these sheets and pillowcases.

You know, I just can't stand up here indefinitely! Oh, of course, there's no information! Darling, why did you lock the door?

Why did I lock the door? Why did you lock the door? Why did you lock the door?

Someone locked the door! Why are you over here standing like this? Like what?

In your underwear! Okay, I'll take your door! What the hell are you doing? WHAT?!

... Don't panic! You guys are good with it. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

You. I'm not going to spray food on you. I'm going to pour you.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. You're not going to do it. You're going to pass it.

You're going to pass it. I'm going to pass it. I'm very, I'm going to tell you a story.

I'm going to tell you a story. We were sitting, we... When I think I used to do bags.

When I remember I used to do bags. When I remember I used to do bags. When I remember I used to do bags.

So what do they all look like? Trash I'm being serious. Where's his desk? You know they all say the same thing. They all.

What is it they say? It's hard to adjust to retirement. It's hard to what?

Adjust to retirement! It's hard to accept the requirement! There's been previous history!

It's all about you guys just caring about me. I mean, I think you never do your two of the guys before, I think you never, you're absolutely not. They're out, they're out here, they're thinking, they're all out on their own, they're just like they do when they do it. I told you he was a fucking bastard, ain't he? No.

There's a man in there! No, no, there's no one in the other block! Hey look! Look, look, look, look!

He's about to sacrifice something! That's a true vampire for a second. I can't move!

My respect is in this opinion! I'm on board! I saw these! I can see the saw these! I can see the way they fell too!

I'm not letting you saw me out! I'm going to get a little exotic. Oh, my God.

Isn't that a name like a cuckoo? Where has she gone? Vicki!

Vicki! Mr. Biden You're a boss Where has she gone? Vicky!

Nice to hear you screaming and shouting every night in the wild Stop! See? I think I'm gonna get these trousers off!

John! Help me! I think I can feel it!

I think it's eating through absolutely everything! AHHHHH! I want to see you.

Somebody get me out of here. I'm going to come straight down the stairs. Are you alright?

This is plain and fast. I better be running along now. Hello, police.

Someone has broken into my house. Someone has broken into my house. I'm going to kill you! Well, the bathroom, you know what we're doing in the bathroom?

We're breaking our sardines! BREAK THE SARDINES! Well, that's the downstairs, right? Take your stuff out!

AHHHHH! Look! Look! There's nothing!

There's nothing! Why, I don't know! Can't you see?

Can't you see? Collin! I've got a question!

Can you climb out of the elevator? I've got a mess up my head now! I'm not gonna break it!

Let's do this after! Collin, can I come in? Oh, I didn't get to go in.

Can I come in? Sex, men, sex, and women. Where's the game? The game! People everywhere.

I'm off. Attacks on women. Don't put attacks on anything these days. I can't find the girls in the public seat.

What did you see? Oh, it's that. Where has she gone?

Vicki! Wait, where is this before the sardines are in? No one will mistake you, not in my sardines, because this is my sardines!

Oh, fuck yeah! Oh, jeez! Fuck yeah!

Ballgaster! I made a ballgaster jar! Oh, the f- You bleeding devils!

It's mine! Dad! But that is my own sheep!

Ah! Hey, hey! I'm Harry, the king!

I am Harry, the king! I'm Harry, the king! I'm Harry, the king! What you're doing with my little girl down there in Basingstoke, I won't ask. But I'll tell you one thing, Vicky.

What's that, Dad? When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like a good old-I'm going to hell! Good old-fashioned blade of what?

Baby! A good old fashioned plate of gravy! And blackout perhaps? No!

Ha! You shut your camera! I made up shop before you!

I'm gonna tell you all the time. Right! Now watch. Set. Clockwise go.

I'm going to knock you to this house! Good evening! I said get up! Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the old fish market theatre.

Municipal theatre Stockton on Tees! Or rather the municipal theatre Stockton on Tees for this evening's performance of Nothing On. I apologise for the slight delay in starting the performance this evening which is due to circumstances just be-I'm the old crazy old one!

D'oh! Due to circumstances beyond our control, I thank you for your patience while we deal with her. With them, the problems.

I should perhaps say that with tonight's performance, our... long and highly successful tour. Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay in starting tonight.

Don't you dare! Don't you dare! Oh!

Oh! How long and highly successful tour is on its very last legs? Anyhow, I thank you and I sincerely trust...

No? No. I sincerely trust there will be no other interruption. What are you doing with that? You think because it's your birthday you can just drink whiskey straight from the fridge?

Come on then, did you at least buy it? You might have a problem, sir. Enjoy the remainder of the evening! It's no good you going on. I can't pick sardines off the floor and onto the phone.

I only got one leg. Hello? Yes, but there's no one in here.

No, Mr. Brent's not here. He lives here, yes, but he don't live here now because he lives in Spain. And Mr. Philip Brent, that's right, the one who writes the plays, that's him.

Only now he writes them in plays. Rob writes him in Spain. And what he wants to do with getting involved with plays, I'll never know. He'd be safer off in the lion's cage at the zoo. No, dear, she's in Spain, too.

They're all in Spain. There's no one here. Am I in Spain? No, dear, I'm not in Spain.

I look after the house for them, but I go home at one o'clock on Wednesdays, only I've made myself a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with, to watch the royal... Oh, what's it called on the telly? The royal...

You know. And if it's to do with letting the house, you'll have to ring the house agents, because they're the agents for the house. Squire, squire, acum, and... Who's the other one?

No, dear, they're not in Spain. They're just a bit squashed. Squire, squire, out, come in.

Hold on. I'm going to do something wrong now. It's always the same story, isn't it?

One miniature plate's too full, and the next thing you know, they've gone again. Oh, dear. Yes, but this is her afternoon off so we should have the place entirely to ourselves I'll just Just check.

Hello? Is there anyone here? No, there's no one here, so why can't they hear me? Right.

Just a little check in the woods, really. A converted possum male, 16th century. It must have cost a ball. Well, one has to have some place to entertain one's business associates.

But someone on the phone now, by the look of it, it must be, you know, this, uh... Arab that wants to come at four. I'm just gonna have a word with him.

Right, and I've got to have those files to our bathing stove office by four. Yeah, yeah, we'll only just manage to kick it in. I mean, we'll only just pull it up.

Right then. We won't even bother to pull the champagne. All these doors!

Hey, just a handful really. Study, kitchen, oh and self-contained service flag. Oh, God! For the, for the... The receiver!

Terrific! And which one's the... The... the what?

You know! The... the...

the usual offices? Um... uh... uh... Through here!

Through here! Fantastic! I've forgotten the sardines again!

Ah! I'm sorry, but there was no one here. I'm not here.

I don't... I don't know where I am. I'm from the agents. I've lost a phone now.

Squire, Squire Hackerman Dudley? I've never lost a phone before. I'm Trample-Maine. I'll just put it over here.

Look, in case anybody wants it. Right. Okay, thanks.

Anyway, now I just dropped in to go into a few things. Check some of the measurements. Do one or two odd jobs. Now the plates!

It's gone! And a client? I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house? What's wrong with this door?

She's thinking of renting it. Her interest is definitely aroused. That's not the bedroom. No, that's the downstairs bathroom at WC Suite.

And this is the house, girl! Sardines, dear! Sardines.

Oh, hi. She's not really here. Oh, you shouldn't have stood on them. Don't worry about us.

We'll all go standing on them now. Bye! We'll just inspect the house. I'd better give the floor a wash.

That's so good. I'm sorry about this. That's alright, we don't watch the television, do we?

Television, right! Because she didn't explain about wanting to watch the Royal... You know, because obviously there's been this thing with the...

Just in case there's anyone out there watching and thinking my god. Great! Well, come on, I've got to be amazing, so bye for...

No, no, we got out of... We'll take his army guard. Don't let my father know. What?

What? Okay, right. Because she has been in the family for generations. Sardines! Sardines!

It's not for me to say, of course, dear. But let me just say this. Don't think twice about it. Take the plunge.

You'll really enjoy it here. Oh, great! No!

Just put it over here! What's it? It won't know where to find it! Share with me!

Sardines! Sardines! You will have to do the sardines because I must go to the kitchen now and do some more sardines! You see, she thinks it's great.

She's even making us sardines! I think she's terrific. Terrific? So which way?

I don't know, just gotta pulse them up and then I'll do the... Up here. Down here. In here. Fine, you do the...

then I'll do the... It's another bathroom! Take the books upstairs, take the bag! Always. I'm gonna go get the books upstairs!

I'm gonna go get the books upstairs! trying to get me into the bathroom. Bag box!

Oh, that sheath! Oh, take that! Take that! Take that! Oh, you're in real state.

You can't even open the door, okay? Oh, no! No, it's Mrs. Packertuck Rudolph, remember? You're part of the race.

...tally to ourselves. Home! Home, sweet home! Dear old house!

I'm just waiting for us to come back! How odd though, to find the telephone in the garden! Yes, I'll put it back.

Thought I'd better bring it in. It's sensible. Someone's bound to want it.

Oh dear. Darling, why don't you put it down on the table? The wire seems to be caught.

It appears to be caught round the downstairs bathroom. So it is! I appear to have disentangled it! Yes, I... I... I had to climb through the reading room.

Oh! It's rather funny though, creeping in like this for our wedding anniversary. Yes, yes. Oh, it's damn serious.

Because if Inland Revenue would have f-would have-Find out we're in the country even for one night! R-right, yes. Because if Inland Revenue would have-Find out we're in the country! In the country! Even for one night!

Even for one night! Bang goes our game! God, me, Oop-Bengus, most of this year's income! Oop-Bengus's income!

Oh, wait! I think I'd better have a little lie down. Lie down?

Yes, why not? No children, no friends dropping in. Absolutely on our limos! Oh Frank, yes. Downstairs, not upstairs.

I'm so sorry! Ah, there is something to be said for being a tax exile. Shh!

What? Inland Revenue may hear us. What I did with that first lot of sardines I shall never know.

You're just screaming! Oh, you give me a turn! My heart jumped right out at the sofa.

So did mine. We thought you'd gone. I thought you was in Sardinia.

We are, we are. You haven't seen us. We're not here. I can guess which one of them put this here. Yes, but the important thing is the income tax are after us.

Lovely helping of Sardines to sit on. Anybody else for us? You don't know nothing.

Anything. I'll get a hot water bottle. And off she goes without waiting to find out about his letters. His letters? Letters?

What letters? You fu- You've been full of all the mail, don't you? Oh, not presents from Sardinia, dear. I'm so sorry. I'll show you where I put letters.

Presents from Sardinia. I put presents from Sardinia in the pigeon house. In the pigeon house? In the little pigeon house down there. Whoa!

Box voices! People's boxes! What's that? I saw the door handle move and these bags.

I'm not sure they were here, you know, when we went into the... Do you know what I mean? Well, I still don't know. Well, you can't have your time to go and look.

If someone put them up here, they always want them downstairs inside the... you know. Mrs. Parkett? It could be. On her way up here carrying various...

I mean, who knows? Oh, look, she's opened her sergeant's... I'll fetch them. You can't go...

go downstairs dressed like that? Why not? Mrs. Crackit!

Mrs. Crackit? One has certain obligations. Sardines here, sardines there.

It's like a battle of Waterloo out there. Oh, you're still poking around, are you? I'm still poking, I'm still pulling. Good thing I can't see far with this leg. Through all the doors and the door handles.

Mrs. Crackit! No, Blackett. Clackett, dear?

Clackett? Mrs. Clackett, is there anyone else in the house, Mrs. Clackett? I haven't seen no one, dear.

Well, I thought I heard a box. I mean, I found these voices. Voices? There's no voices here, love. I must have imagined it.

Oh, we're all about! I beg your pardon? Oh good lord above! What is it? The study door is open.

They're gonna want these inside the... So I'm gonna put them outside and then... Do you know what I mean? I didn't notice that you were taking this right precedence in court.

Oh my lord, who are you? I'm Philip. You're Philip?

What's happened to you? Well it's all got a bit... Slippery out on the stairs there. You haven't done himself an injury.

Nope, he's just a bit shaky. I'll be alright in a minute. You weren't going to tell me a gentleman would come about the house, were you?

What? You weren't going to tell me a gentleman come about the house? That's right!

A gentleman come about the house. Don't tell me I'm not here! And he's put your box in the garden for you. You have to do anything just so long as you don't tell anyone we're here!

Alright then, I'll just sit right here and turn on the tele-SAUDEANS! I've forgotten the sonde-No I haven't! I remembered the sardines! What a surprise!

I must go back to the kitchen now and make some more sardines to celebrate. I didn't get this! I'm not here, I'm in Spain!

But if I didn't get it, I didn't open it! Darling, I never had-Ha ha ha! Darling, I never had a handle like this, did I? Didn't you?

No, I shouldn't buy anything- Brassy, isn't it? Oh, it's not something you gave me, is it? I should never have touched it. No, it's lovely.

Stick it down, put it back, never saw it. Oh, not the star. I'll just put it in the attic. Anybody else? wants to have a try.

All right, that was it. Well, the stairs are all open again. What's going on?

Knocking? Upstairs? Oh my god! There's something in the... Oh my...

Oh my god! Listen darling, I can't because the handle is... You know, so you're just gonna have to...

Do you know what I mean? I mean, whatever is in there... No, no, honey, you just gotta quit banging!

You're just gonna have to... And then... Ah!

Ah! Ah! You're just going to have to squeeze underneath there, and then climb through there, and then just shin down there. Oh, for pity's sake.

Provider notice. Steps will be taken to the streets. The seat is yours. Oh, it's you! Of course it's me.

You put me in there, in the dark, with all the black sheets and things. No, no, no, I put you there, but you managed to climb through the... Why did I lock the door?

Why did you lock the door? I couldn't open the door. It's come off!

Somebody locked the door. Why don't we stand here like this? Like what?

You know, with people moving in and out. Okay, I'll take a go. Here and here and here! Uh, final notice.

Steps will be taken. Did the stranger perceive the... A hot water box.

I didn't put it there. Someone in the bathroom filling first aid bottles. Dolly! What's this noise? I hear the door handle and the first water box.

I can feel poop all over. Yes, quick, get something around you. Yes, leave the cup over our heads. Just a minute, what did I do with those sardines?

You wait here. You hear all sorts of funny things about these old moutains. Yes, but this one has been extensively modernised throughout. I don't see how anything creepy would survive all fire and central heating. What?

What is it? What's going on? The sardines!

They're gone! No they haven't! They're here! Oh my god! Oh my god!

I mean, you put the plate of salt in there for two minutes and the one thing you don't expect these days is another plate of... I mean, that is really weird! Perhaps there is something funny going on.

I'm going to get into bed and... Because they're the... Oh, exactly.

Oh. They're not. Bag!

I suppose Mrs. Spock is going to take it away, though, aren't you? Bag! Bag?

Bag! Bag! What do you mean, bag?

Sardines! Bag! Bag!

Bag! Sardines! Sardines!

Bag! Bag! Bag! Bag, what bag? No bag!

No bag? Your bag! Suddenly, Tia. Now, of course.

It's in the bedroom. I put it in the bedroom. It was in the bedroom.

I'm going to put it back in the bedroom. Don't go in there! I have a box! They've both not gone!

My wild! What on earth is happening? Where's Mrs. Spadgett?

You! Go wait in the bedroom! No, no, no! At least put your dress on! I'm not going in there!

I'll fetch it for you! I'll fetch it for you! Yes, we're going down now!

Your dress has... GONE! I'm never going to see Bazing Stoke again!

Don't panic! Don't panic! There's a perfectly rational... I'm a nervous Steps to be taken Distracted Darling, you're not coming to bed I'm going to fall for heaven No other ants, thank you, don't hit my son Because this time she's gone and killed him No, he's just stunned, that's all. Just keep going.

Don't panic! Don't panic! Just keep going. And there's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. Where are we?

I will fetch Mr. Mrs. Splochett, she'll tell us what's happening. You fetched her! I'm here!

I have fetched Mrs. Splochett. She will tell us what's happening. She won't, you know.

I will tell you what's happening. There's a man in there. No, no, no, my love.

Look, he is right here. See, and so am I. No, no, there's no one in the ashram, yes? No, no, look, I know it's quite a surprise for all of us.

I mean, it's quite a shock for us. I have to come in and find a man. lying at the bottom of the stairs, isn't it my love? I guess.

I'm so sorry. But since we're all here, we may as well just introduce ourselves, right my darling? Introduce ourselves, yes.

I cannot. This is my husband. I'm afraid surprises go straight to his nose. And a man lurking in the underground.

Oh, how delightful! Another unexpected guest! Well, why don't you go see what you can see out there in the garden?

Oh, oh no. And you, darling, uh, well, you, uh, get that bottle marked poison in the downstairs loo. That eats through anything. Thank you. Uh, yes, because I've heard of people getting stuck with a problem.

But this is ridiculous. Thank you. No bars, no burglary, loms, they ought to be prosecuted for assignment.

Come on in love and join the party. Oh a burglar, this is most exciting. Oh dear, this is my fault, see when I say the line, I heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.

I've got my arms! I've got my arms! They ought to be prosecuted for incitement! Oh, but it makes the world sit down and breathe!

Yes, love, it's getting like a funeral in here! When I think I used to do banks... Keep going!

When I remember I used to do bullion bolts... What am I doing now? I'm breaking into paper bags! Keep going!

Stop! No! No!

I thought the coast was clear! I saw him go through the bathroom! No, no, I know my love, don't worry! People think of something! No, but I was listening most carefully.

What is it that he says? I've heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous! And he opened the door! No blast! They should be prosecuted for incitement!

No! I think I used to do pants when I used to do boy in class. Wait! Hold on!

I know this man! He's not a burglar! He's our social worker! He's what?

Oh, he is that nice man who comes in and tells us what to do! What's he saying? What's he saying?

He is saying just get through it for Doris and Sardines! Yes, Doris and Sardines! Yes, Doris and Sardines! Yes, Doris and Sardines!

And now, And now he's saying bats and boxes, bats and boxes, bats and boxes! And now he's saying phones and police, phones and police, phones and police! Oh, sheets!

Now he's saying sheets! Sheets! Sheets! Oh, and now, now he's saying that all he wants is a nice, happy ending! Please, I rest.

She is in her wedding dress! Yes! Yes, it's my wedding dress! It's your wedding dress! Aww, what a happy ending!

Do you take this sheet to be your lawfully wedded wife? If not, I'll... Speak now or forever hold your peace. What's he saying?

What's he saying? Saying last line. Last line!

When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like a good old-fashioned plate of... What is it? What is it?

Smart Beats! And curtain?