How to spot autism in high masking autistic women. So by definition, if someone is successfully masking, they do not look autistic. In fact, that's what the mask does, it hides the visible signs.
If you want to start to see autistic traits, we need to look beyond the mask. We're essentially looking for gaps, what the mask implies should be there but isn't. And in this video, I'll share some of the key things to look out for.
Importantly though, if someone trusts you enough, is vulnerable enough to let you in to see their hidden inner world, please validate that experience. There's nothing worse than disclosing something as vulnerable as, I'm autistic and I've been masking my entire life, and to have that moment completely invalidated by opposition and resistance from people who don't believe you. Part of this video is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Counselling.
Check out the video description below to claim their special offer of 10% off your first month. And if you're on your own unmasking journey, make sure you stick around until the end, where I'll share my top 4 tips of where to from here. Hi everyone, Paul Mikaleff here from Autism From The Inside.
I make weekly videos sharing the human side of autism, so make sure you hit subscribe to get the latest content. So, how to spot autism in high-masking autistic women. So firstly, what is a mask? When you think about it, a mask is like a facade. or an outward appearance.
A little bit like an optical illusion, where if you're looking from the right angle, it seems convincing and it seems flawless even. But if you start to look a little bit more closely, if you look from a bit of a different angle or from a different perspective, the illusion seems to break down in areas that you didn't expect. So in a similar way, a mask implies something that doesn't exist.
So in the case of autistic masking, very often the mask implies I'm just an average person, just like the rest of the neurotypical population, and what is actually behind the mask is an inner experience that is quite different from that. So in that way the mask gives you an impression of what you think should be on the inside that is not entirely true. Some autistic people, especially women, can be very very good at masking to the point that You can be masking for decades without giving anyone the slightest clue that there might be more going on than meets the eye.
So this is the first really key distinction. If you want to start seeing autistic traits in a person, it's incredibly important to first look beyond the mask. Because a mask might literally be flawless.
I mean, yes, it does crack from time to time and it does slip and under pressure and under... lots of stress from life in general. Sometimes these are the kinds of situations where you're more likely to see a different side of a person than you would normally.
But the distinction between the person and the mask means that it is what is underneath that is the most important thing, not your initial impression or first appearance. In fact, it's often helpful to question all of your assumptions. So here's what to look for. We're essentially looking for gaps in certain areas. What was the mask covering up?
What was it smoothing over or painting over so we couldn't see? Giving the impression of a simple outward appearance, nothing to see here, whereas actually the reality is rough and complex. So these gaps and inconsistencies might be temporal in nature.
It might be something that I can do sometimes, but not other times. A good example for me personally is talking at the moment. I can talk, I probably seem reasonably articulate, and you may assume that I can fairly easily talk all the time, and that is not the case. When I have a certain amount of energy and my brain is in flow, then yes, talking is easy. And other times, I can't string two words together to save my life.
So it's those kinds of inconsistencies where the mask, the outward appearance, at first glance, seems to imply that I can... always talk, but the reality is much more complex. Another example of a gap may be in a specific skill set. So for me personally, I find reading very difficult. I've avoided it my whole life.
I did very well at school, but partially that's because I avoided the kinds of subjects where I needed to read and write a lot. I did things like science and maths and engineering. And these days, if I have a... piece of text and I have to read it with my eyes, then that is extremely difficult.
I tend to avoid that. I use my computer to read it to me. And if I can't copy the text and highlight the text and put it into my text-to-speech software, then suddenly that PDF you've just sent me is quite inaccessible due to a hidden gap in my skillset. So what are some of the areas that we commonly find these types of gaps or inconsistencies?
It may be social skills or gaps in my knowledge and understanding. It may be inconsistent capacity for executive function from one day to the next, or a spiky skill set distribution, or sensory sensitivities, or information processing needs. Let's take being social, for example.
What might it look like to be socially inconsistent? It could be a person who has very high energy and is extremely social sometimes, and then at other times needs complete alone time and goes home and crashes and can't keep up that level of energy. It might be the friend who you actually have a really close relationship with, yet who does not respond to your texts or answer your calls for months at a time, and then later on will come back and pick up where you left off as if nothing has changed. Gaps in knowledge and understanding might look like asking questions that you kind of think should be obvious to a person in this particular situation. Maybe you say, meet me at eight o'clock this Friday in the city and we'll go out and get some food.
And they say. Okay, just checking. Is it 8am or 8pm?
So... With the context, you probably assumed we were going out maybe after work on a Friday, maybe going to get dinner or drinks or going to see a show or something like that. And that's the kind of social context that we need to answer those types of questions.
Gaps in knowledge or understanding can be an indicator of a lack of context. It's easy to assume a level of background knowledge or understanding of social context that simply isn't there, or at least may not be as solid as you might think. Another sign may be inconsistent capacity, sharp, organized, on the ball, and other times seeming to let commitments drop left, right, and center. It's common for everyone to have highs and lows, good days and bad days, but this is most easily visible for autistic people in the extended low periods we call burnout, where even basic everyday tasks become a challenge.
It's easy to assume that if someone is competent and capable right now, then that's always the case. But in fact, we often go through periods of unexplained inability to function in certain areas or periods of severely reduced capacity in general. A little bit like how I explained, I can talk easily most of the time and sometimes trying to string two words together is just too difficult. In a similar way, when you see that someone is competent in one area and really gifted in one area, it's easy to assume that they're also have that ability in other areas as well. If you see me solving a Rubik's Cube, you may assume that I can also tie my shoelaces.
Whereas the autistic skill set distribution has a very spiky profile. There are some things we are really good at and some things that are incredibly difficult. When I'm working with autistic people, I always make sure to check my assumptions around specific abilities.
Does doing it this way work for you or do we need a different approach? A good analogy is of a physical disability like impairment in vision or hearing. If I have my glasses, then I can see just as well as anyone else. And without them, suddenly you're going to see a very, very different result.
This can often be seen in inconsistent executive function. So that's things like planning and organization and memory and making decisions and prioritizing and things like that. I had a manager at work once pull me up for my poor performance, but then not long after he said I was basically like an entirely new person with much, much better results. just because we'd changed the particular way we were working on the task. For me, for example, if I'm going to understand something and make a decision, I need to really sketch it out and draw it out and write it out so that I can understand how everything kind of fits together.
If I have to organize an event or some travel or something like that, I need to really sketch things out visually so that I can see the timelines and see how everything connects with everything else. And when I can do that in my own way... then everything works very well. And if that particular method is taken away from me, then my ability to plan and organize and get through life is severely diminished. Now, these days, a lot of people use technology to help with executive function.
I have an online calendar and it tells me what's on my schedule today so I don't need to remember. And it sets reminders and it means I don't need to worry about forgetting things. But if you take away the tools and coping strategies, it's like taking away a person's glasses or it's like taking away a person's life. turning off their hearing aid.
I was relying on those things to function and without them, you're going to see a very different side of me. And that's kind of the thing, right? I mean, a person wearing glasses is not pretending to have perfect vision. They're not hiding the fact that they need the glasses to be able to see properly.
And as a society, we accept that imperfection and allow them to wear the glasses and have that coping strategy. And there's no social stigma around that. Perhaps that's why we mask in the first place. I don't want you to focus on my weaknesses and the things that I can't do.
I want to show you what I'm really good at. So I paint over the gaps. I fill them in. I smooth them over so that you can't see them, so that they're not distracting, so that they don't make me seem different.
But. wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to do that? Imagine if instead of masking, I could just let those gaps be common knowledge.
What if I could show you all my autistic quirks and idiosyncrasies and share the way that I need to function and all my coping strategies? And what if there was no social stigma attached to that? Can you tell that I'm wearing contacts at the moment?
Well, I'm not actually, but the point is that it doesn't matter. if I am or not. Whether or not you see what I have to do behind the scenes shouldn't really matter.
So if someone tells you that they're autistic and you can't really see how because from your point of view their mask seems flawless, just trust that there are gaps that you can't currently see. As I said, there's nothing worse than disclosing something as vulnerable as I've been masking so that you can't see how hard I'm working behind the scenes. only to have that moment turned into an invalidating experience by not being believed.
In fact, it's kind of ironic that when someone finally does try to share their true self, that the legitimacy is questioned because all we see from the outside is the perfect mask. So in the end, there are lots of signs, if you know what to look for, but they all start with the mind frame that the person is not the mask, and it's what's underneath the mask that is the most important. And if you're willing to be open and look, maybe you'll see something very special. Maybe you'll open the door to a level of connection and shared understanding that was not previously possible. So remember that by definition, successful, high masking people do not look autistic.
And that can be really tough. Someone is trying to be vulnerable, trying to let you in. It's like the optical illusion that the mask was creating is being shattered.
And it's going to take your eyes a little bit of time to adjust. to see what was real and what was just a trick of the light. But I cannot overemphasize how important it is to validate that experience, even if it doesn't quite make sense to you yet.
When we unmask or attempt to unmask, we need other people to help validate that experience. It's often new territory for everyone. If I've been masking for decades and only just got an autism diagnosis later in life, then the question of who am I behind the mask is a very important one. is a serious question that takes some time to explore and to answer. So having the support of other people who can validate that experience and walk with us along the journey is incredibly helpful.
So if this is you and you're going through your own unmasking journey, I have four suggestions of where you might like to go from here. Number one is you might like to share part of your experience in the video comments, or read the experiences of others. It's really helpful to know that you're not alone.
Number two is to check out some of my other unmasking videos on especially how to safely take off the mask. Long-term masking can be incredibly damaging, so working towards self-acceptance in that regard can be really helpful. Number three is if you're looking for a supportive community, you might like to check out our online social group. I'll put a link in the description, or you can find us on Facebook. And finally, if you're recently diagnosed or unmasking yourself, there's a lot that often comes along with that, so I'd highly recommend speaking to a mental health professional if you haven't already.
These days there are lots of good online options, and in fact this video was sponsored by BetterHelp Online Counselling. So check them out in the video description if you haven't already. They make things really easy to get started by matching you to a therapist based on your personal preferences. So I hope you found this video valuable and you've gained a new perspective on masking.
You may like to check out my other online resources at autismfromtheinside.com.au. I also offer one-on-one online coaching there as well, so send us a message if you're interested in that. Otherwise, thanks again for watching and I will see you next week. Bye!