Empowering Self-Love Through Solo Dating

I used to be a serial dater, addicted to male validation, and I completely lost myself in that process. After several heartbreaks, I'd finally had enough. So I started my self-love journey, and I used solo dating as my catalyst to build the strongest relationship possible with myself. It wasn't easy, it felt uncomfortable, it was confusing, no one told me how to do it. I felt weird, embarrassed, and even lonely at times, but that didn't stop me from doing it anyway. And because of that, I am now here. I've solo dated for three whole years. I am more confident than I have ever been. It started off with simple things like sitting in a cafe alone, reading a book or walking through a museum or simply setting intentions for my solitude in the comfort of my own home and making it a whole event. Over time, it has grown. And now I have attended concerts alone. I've sat at a bar alone on a Friday night. I've made new friends because I've been out and about alone. I've dined in restaurants on Valentine's Day alone. I've traveled to other cities and another country alone. I celebrated my birthday alone and so much more. My commitment to myself is now unbreakable as a result because solo dating strengthened my standards. It got me my dream romantic relationship and friendships because of that. But most of all, I now finally wake up every single day so happy because this process allowed me to become self-obsessed. I love every single part of myself because I actually took the time to learn those parts on my solo date and I'm here to teach you how to achieve the same. Welcome to the sixth episode of season one of the self-obsessed podcast you guys and today we're going to be discussing all things on dating yourself, how to be happy doing it, the ultimate guide to solo date ideas, romanticizing your life, and all of the key benefits this is going to bring you to help you actually level up and make major moves in your self-love and self-growth journey. So throughout this podcast episode, we are first going to cover the seven key benefits of solo dating. Then we're going to talk a little bit about the mindset that you actually need to have during solo dating in order to do it correctly and maintain your happiness. throughout that process. After that I'm going to give you the tutorials, so tips on how to effectively solo date and then right at the end of the episodes I'm going to give you a few different categories of solo date ideas. So at home, budget-friendly, fancier ones, my own experience and my favourite solo dates I've been on. The reason I wanted to make this an entire episode is because solo dating is a huge key to becoming self-obsessed. Because when you fall in love with your own solitude, you are no longer at the mercy of others. You will completely fall in love with yourself and your daily experiences will be elevated as a result. And that leads us into the first section of this episode, which is the seven key benefits. of solidating. The first one is your relationship with yourself. As a society we have put too much concern on others. We even manifest friendships and partners which isn't a bad thing but when do we ever build goals and set intentions about our relationship with ourself? We download apps to meet the right people when we already have the most aligned person we could ever dream of right in front of us, ourselves and yet we ignore them daily. Why? Why? Because we think we already have it. And I promise you, we don't. Our relationship to ourselves has to be built. Just because you run errands alone or you're okay being single doesn't mean you have a good relationship with yourself. You will know you have a good relationship with yourself when you're confident, when you speak kinder to yourself, when you put yourself first unashamedly, when you stop seeking approval, when you stop overexpanding yourself, when you stop believing in your full abilities and potential. and then you action it as well. When you prioritize creating your dream life for your future and younger self instead of concerning yourself about how other people will perceive you. When you are authentically yourself in any and every single social setting and most importantly when you get excited to spend time with yourself. When you actually prioritize that every single week when you are going on a date or meeting up with your friends. Hold up when was the last time I checked in with myself because that is equally as important if not more. more. I have never had a relationship with myself because I was always looking outward at what I could get or who I could meet that was kind of going to save me or make me feel better or live a happier life and I did all of that at the expense of looking inward. When I finally started dating myself I learned so much more about who I am and when you are in the dating world meeting new people we fall in love with literal strangers because we are discovering more about them. True love isn't possible by just or being with them, just physically spending time with them. No, we need to understand every insignificant detail that makes a person who they are to truly love them and understand them. And so solo dating allows you to do that for yourself. And as a byproduct of that, you will master self-validation, which is one of my favorite benefits of this entire practice. And that leads us onto benefit number two, self-validation and confidence. Falling in love with yourself more. When you fully understand yourself, everyone else's validation becomes irrelevant. We only seek out other people's opinions and judgments because we don't trust and we don't know ourselves yet. But the more you learn about who you are at your core, the more you'll realize that all of the other validation you're seeking is invalid. Because everyone's opinions is based on their own life experiences, lessons, traumas, mindset, childhood. So then... you stop taking everything personally and you only live to impress yourself and there is nothing more powerful than that. Plus it builds self-esteem. In practicing solo dates we are achieving because we are trying new things, we are being spontaneous, we are pushing past our comfort zone and in the process we earn our own self-respect and all of these are key elements to becoming self-actualized which is the process of reaching your full potential. So being autonomous, confident, embracing solitude. How will you ever reach your full potential when you're just stuck at level one? That level is caring about what other people have to say about your life. There is so much for you to do and you are letting the first hurdle hold you back. Solo dating is a form of exposure therapy. And so the more that you expose yourself to those scary and comfortable things, the quicker it will no longer affect you. Benefit number three of solo dating is that it will have an amazing positive effect on all of your relationships and friendships. And so solo dating is equally as important whether you're single or you're taken. Maintaining your independence is the key to having a healthy relationship. You will stop getting lost in your partner and all of your autonomy builds your self-esteem outside of your relationship. meaning you know now how to show up better and stronger in and for your relationship. When you realize that you love yourself and you'll always be there for yourself, that fear of being alone and going through a breakup is gone. So then your standards are heightened and as a result, you now have nothing to lose so you stop settling. Now you have expectations. Now you expect queen treatment. And because you expect that, that's what you get. Too many people... mold themselves to what their partner wants. Too many people define their worth in their relationship or whether they are even in a relationship or if they're single. If you have decided what your worth and your value is, nobody can stop you. You are out here getting every single thing you want. Your self-obsessed energy is so radiant that it will draw people towards you like a magnet and because you are so sure and fearless in who you are and how much you deserve you are only going to go after the best friendships and relationships and then you're happier as a result as well. Benefit number four is the effect it will have on your attachment style and not enough people talk about this so let's use an anxious attachment style as an example. Now if you have this attachment style it can seriously harm your dating experience and solo dating can be the thing that moves you towards secure attachment behaviors which will help you seek out better partners and have better healthier more loving dating experiences people with anxious attachment styles constantly live with this fear of abandonment but if you are solo dating then you are showing up for yourself and you are acting as your own partner giving yourself the love and reassurance that you crave so badly and so if you're giving all of that to yourself then that means now you can show up in all of your relationships with a full cup and not in a state of lack and when you are going into relationships unhealed and with that state of lack people can see right through it which is what causes us to attract and go after the wrong people it's what kind of creates this magnetism where we attract the wrong people for us because they can see that we are weak and that they can take advantage of us there's this like push-pull dynamic which is why it said that you anxious attachment styles and avoidant attachment styles are so drawn to each other and if you're on the anxious side it is your responsibility to create that foundation love and relationship with yourself so you you're not desperate and you're not seeking it from another person because it can start with you Benefit number five is romanticizing life. Solo dating is the easiest way to do this and on top of this solo dating allows you to experience life right now. Too many of us are putting off the things that we really want to do because no one's available okay. When you were growing up Even if you're in school right now, everyone's busy. Everyone's got their own schedules. If you want to go on a trip, go and do it. If you want to try that new restaurant in your hometown, go and do it. Sit there alone. Because you are literally prioritizing experiencing life and making it. you memories for the opinions of others and what they're going to think of you you think it's weird and it is abnormal and you are going to be perceived in a bad light if you go and do that alone and you value and prioritize that so much and put so much weight on it that you sacrifice living your own life as a result let that sink in then we have romanticizing life there is so much joy to be experienced every single day and the thing that people get it wrong about this this is they think you have to find joy or you have to have the correct circumstances in your life in order to be happy and that's wrong what I've learned and honestly I am the happiest I've ever been I'm the happiest person I know truly and that has only happened because I figured out that you can create your own joy solo dating has been a huge catalyst to do this for me so like if I have a weekend and everyone's busy I can do something so simple I can go to a cafe sit there and read a book and order a coffee but I'm going to romanticize the hell out of that and act like I'm a movie character. I am going to listen to the most positive, uplifting solo date playlist on my Spotify when I am walking there. And I'm not going to be scrolling on my phone. I'm going to be looking around. I'm going to be people watching. I'm going to be seeing parents, you know, giving hugs to their little ones. I'm going to be seeing so much love and you're going to notice so many things you wouldn't normally when you are too distracted by the... person that you would normally be doing that with there is so much to experience so much to see so much to learn not only about the world but also yourself and that in itself is you romanticizing life I feel so powerful and so happy when I am walking to a destination alone because that entire experience is now up to me I am the one who influences how it comes out and I'm not hating on spending time with other people other people are great but there are so many variables then in that situation that are outside of your control so both things are great but remember the benefit of spending time alone is it's all in your power you get to create that experience and romanticize your life as much as you want the next benefit number six is free thinking which links into what I said before so how often think about this for a second do you actually get free time to just think you're not multitasking you're not at work you're not with another person you don't have any responsibilities chores or anything stressing you out about your to-do list your mental to-do list how often do you sit down with spare time and you're not scrolling or watching tv you're trying to think about what you're doing tomorrow and you actually just think You're actually just left alone with your thoughts to just see what comes out. Not a lot of us do that. I, for one, never did that. And because we don't do that, we don't know all of the knowledge and all of the wisdom that is waiting for us in our own mind. I'm the biggest believer that the person that knows what's best for you is yourself. And the only way to tap into that, all of that wisdom, is to just prioritize spending time with yourself to allow yourself to unlock that wisdom. A lot of the time we're so distracted. We are putting all of our effort, energy, and thinking power onto to others or onto our work that we are abandoning ourself in the process and so I have had some of my best ideas and best inspiration when I've been alone and I've just allowed myself time to be bored and lastly the seventh key benefit of solo dating is that it challenges you it forces you outside of your comfort zone and I will die on this hill of the importance of stepping outside of your comfort zone it builds discipline and it builds confidence and self-esteem and both of those things are going to combine to create the most powerful force of self-love in your life everyone always wants to know but how can I make this easier but this is too hard so then how do I do this and how do I find a way around it no you are missing the point it's supposed to feel scary it's supposed to feel difficult that's when you experience the most growth if everything was easy it would be boring no one would do it I heard this analogy once online um it was this graduate giving a speech and he goes would your life really be so much more enjoyable if your top five challenges disappeared you would think so right no it wouldn't and he goes let me remind you that if in the game super mario brothers you had one hurdle to defeat and then you instantly could save princess peach nobody would play because where's the sense of risk and reward and so you have to apply that same principle to to your life. I look at my life like a video game. When I feel uncomfortable, when things are hard, you know, when I started solo dating and people were staring at me and I felt deeply afraid and weird and not full of self-love and confidence, it was teaching me something in the moment and it was sitting through that experience that got me here to the level of confidence where I can solo date every single day and I can teach others confidently how to do it. Imagine I thought, well this is too hard so I'm just not going to. to do it I'm going to focus my energy on other things I would have missed out on a huge portion of developing my relationship with myself okay now let's quickly run through the correct mindset you need to have during solo dating in order to be happy while doing it and actually get the most out of it so my first tip with this is to consider your real date behaviors when I say real date this is you know what you think dating should look like when you're with a guy or a girl you know whoever you're into What are you going to do on a first date? You're not going to be scrolling on your phone, right? You are going to make a plan with this other person of where you're going to meet, at what time, and then you're going to write it down in your calendar somewhere and you're going to stick to that schedule because it is a commitment to show up there. You're not going to cancel last minute unless there's an emergency because showing up to spend time with that person at that place in that time is important. You are going to plan your outfit beforehand because you want to impress them. You also want to be confident. You want to be feeling yourself. You want to break bring your best self to that date and that experience and then lastly in the real dating world you're going to be paying attention to everything they say you're going to make sure that you have thoughtful conversation you're going to be listening you're going to be trying to understand them and really fully experience them and their energy so why are you not doing any of those things for yourself I have so many questions from people saying you know can't why can't I scroll on my phone during my solo date because you wouldn't do do that if you were on a date with a literal stranger that you probably met on a dating app two days ago so if you could give them that level of attention commitment and presence why are you not giving that to yourself because let's pull up the facts here the reason that you are pulling out your phone is because you feel awkward and hey I completely understand that I had the same feelings but you cannot allow that to be the reason that you are forcing yourself to do something that's uncomfortable and then not even doing it properly because if you were sitting in a restaurant school on your phone you might as well just be at home in bed scrolling like you do every single day what is the point in you being there this needs to become a competition almost if you are out alone okay i want you to separate yourself from this idea that you're comfortable and uncomfortable and you're shy and you're scared just put that away for a second and every single action you take i want you to think would i be doing this if i was on a real date if the answer is no stop doing it if the answer is yes okay i'm listening and you know i made a plan and i made made a reservation online to have dinner with myself. That's one of my favorite acts to practice self-love during solo dating. I always put it in my calendar and I plan a nice outfit for myself. Now, how can I go one step further? Because of course, you know, being in relationships and dating other people is important, but at the end of the day, I am more important. I am my own best friend. I've been by my side every single day of my life. If anybody deserves that effort, it's me. So of course I'm going to put it in for other people, but if I'm putting in that level for you, I always do. deserve to go above and beyond for myself. I deserve that experience. So I'm going to dress up just a little bit extra for myself. I am going to put more effort into this itinerary. I'm not going to scroll on my phone but I might bring my journal so that I can talk to myself in my head. So that I can really understand how am I feeling? How is this week going? What is my intention? What am I grateful for? So that I can raise my vibration and walk out of this experience feeling happier, feeling more more in love with myself and my life and I feel like that is how you should spend your solo dates that is the approach and perspective you should have of it this leads us on to tip number two for your mindset your confidence your self-obsession people don't solidate because they have a fear of being perceived and they have this fear of judgment oh you know but people are staring at me what do I do um people are going to see me as a loner okay and okay let's say there is a group of people a group of friendship group across this restaurant they're staring at you and they're laughing at you okay i'm really gonna paint out the worst case scenario for you right here they are laughing at you they think that you're a loner it's so embarrassing that you are sat in this restaurant alone wow i don't even know know you why should your opinion affect the way I live my life since when did a stranger's opinion have more weight than the relationship to myself that's embarrassing and I honestly I'm speaking to my past self because I used to think the same thing. It's a very uncomfortable experience and you might feel like you don't have the respect of others, you might feel like you don't look cool, you are wondering what story people are putting together in their head about you. Now I have the question for you, what if they're thinking something amazing about you? Why is your mind automatically going to the worst possible... they could have a view that they are judging you what if these people are staring at you thinking oh that's cool i've never considered sitting in a restaurant alone maybe if you push past the comfort and you redirected your attention from what other people are thinking of you to what you think about yourself, then you would establish such unbreakable confidence that that fear of being perceived wouldn't even affect you anymore. The next step to building the right mindset to be the ultimate solo data is. Your thoughts of loneliness and singlehood. I have dined alone and taken myself on a date for Valentine's Day two years in a row. And I would sit in the busiest restaurants and I would be surrounded by a bunch of couples happy in dates. There would not be another single person in that room. I literally didn't even see Galentine's people. I wasn't upset by that. I didn't feel jealous. In fact, I was unbothered AF. I looked around and I thought, how beautiful is love? And just because I'm sat here alone on this Valentine's Day doesn't mean I'm doing life incorrectly, doesn't mean I'm unlovable. It means that That is a possibility for me. I am sat in a room full of people so in love, celebrating their love for each other. That means that love and healthy relationships are so abundant in the world that I get to experience experienced that too and just because I don't have it right now doesn't mean I'm not going to get it single singleness is a gift and you never know when that gift is going to be taken away from you you could be single on valentine's day and you could meet your soulmate literally the day after would you not wish that you had taken all of the advantage of spending that day alone while you could have before your life changes forever and you constantly have somebody else to think about and prioritize and love and care for and then your time is split it all of the time and that is a beautiful experience in itself but you get to be selfish right now you get to treat yourself when it's your birthday when it's valentine's day go and buy yourself the chocolates buy yourself the damn flowers it's really establishing that you're not lonely you're just alone and there's a lot of beauty in being being alone and the only difference between those two things is your perspective you get to choose how you feel about it and lastly for your mindset i just want to talk a little bit about embarrassment Because a lot of people ask, you know, what do I do when people stare? What do I do if I'm overthinking? I feel awkward. How do I ignore other people? Where do you even look? What do you do with yourself? Where do you put your hands? I totally get it, but you're overthinking it. And we need to remove those limiting beliefs quickly and bring in self-validation instead. First of all, there is nothing embarrassing about taking yourself on a solo date. Nothing embarrassing about it. In fact, you think it's embarrassing because you are judging yourself. how do you know that other people are judging you you don't so you have this limiting belief about it and you're projecting that limiting belief to everybody around you to convince yourself that what you were doing is wrong but if you had the highest perception of what you were doing that is full of self-love and confidence and it's helping you in your growth journey embarrassment wouldn't even be a thought that would cross your mind and then that leads us on to awkwardness what is there to be awkward about you're just experiencing life on your own doesn't nothing wrong with that you're not hurting anybody I just did my first solo trip to Amsterdam two weeks ago and every single restaurant I went on even the plane I didn't see a single solo traveler which I was really surprised by because I hear about people solo traveling all the time in that entire weekend okay people looked at me sure but I didn't think that they were judging me because I'm like I'm just living my life and I'm never gonna see these people again and whatever they think of me is based on the mindset that they have have grown up with and even if these people are laughing at me and judging me how sad is that that their limiting beliefs are holding them back from just being a happy human being that could just be focusing on their own experience right now rather than sending all this negative energy my way that is so sad why should i take all of that on and let it define me and what i should do with my life so you need to be so fearless with how you act on a solo date don't wonder where should i look look wherever the hell you want. I people watch so much and it's honestly probably one of my favorite outcomes of every single solo date I've ever been on in the last three years. I've seen so much joy and love that I never would have noticed otherwise had I been with a friend. Look around, look at how the restaurant's decorated, look at people laughing while they're having dinner with each other, look at your food. Really pay attention to it. Stare into space and really pay attention to your thoughts. It's almost like it's a meditative experience because you're being at one with all the thoughts coming in and out of your mind rather than feeling this need to be overstimulated. 24 7 when you think I have nothing to do I'm bored let me scroll on my phone or let me wonder you know what should I do how should I be looking how am I being perceived you are running further and further and further away from yourself okay now I'm going to give you my top tips on how to effectively solo date so my top tip is It's all about the intention. It literally does not matter what you do. I think people get like really overthink about what the actual activity is. Hey you could be sitting in your bedroom watching a YouTube video and that could literally be a solo day. I am not exaggerating in the slightest. So how you solo date and how you separate that from just spending time alone is the intention. So I'll explain it to you. We have sitting alone in your bedroom watching a YouTube video because you're bored, because you're having a little break, because you're waiting for somebody, you're just trying to kill time, you're procrastinating on your work on your desk. That's just spending time alone. Then we have solo dating. Exact same activity, you're going to be on your bed watching a YouTube video but you're going to make it in a event you woke up that morning at 8am and you told yourself at 5pm I am going to have an hour where I get really cozy in bed and I have a marathon of all of my favorite youtubers videos online and that is my time I don't have to answer my texts I'm not going to be multitasking I am not going to be stressing about what I have to do tomorrow I am going to make sure all of the work and tasks I have to get done today is done before 5pm so that hour is my time and then I am fully present in that task and you are going to light a candle maybe you'll do a little bit of aromatherapy you're going to clean your room you're going to make it really nice and tidy you're going to have an everything shower right before and put your favorite satin pajamas on and that is the difference because you had something to look forward to all day where you thought this is my time this is my little enjoyment and reward after a long hard day and that is a very basic just at home solo date and then we have you know something more meaningful like going out for dinner alone no devices really just paying attention to yourself there's the kind of person who quickly runs into a fast food chain gets a meal to go eats it while they're walking to their next destination because they're constantly distracted overstimulated and prioritizing everything else in their life before themselves and then there's a solo date and with this comes the intention where you're like I am going to go online and make reservations for Saturday lunchtime to go and have this meal by myself I'm going to plan my out outfit in advance because even though I'm alone doesn't mean your girl cannot overdress and be feeling herself when she walks in there then I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna order myself a nice drink and a nice meal and I am gonna taste every single bite of it and I'm gonna think about whatever I want and I'm gonna enjoy it and I'm gonna soak up all of the vibes of the interior of the restaurant and everybody around me and you know what who knows what's gonna happen because also with the intention is the possibility of how much you can remember romanticize your life you go into that solo date thinking oh my god who knows what could happen who knows who i might come across who i might speak to who i might meet what realizations i might have about myself what new foods i might try what experience i might have what buildings i might see I've never noticed before that is you romanticizing your life um my next tip on how to correctly solo day is let's talk about schedule actually because a few people wanted to know this how often should you solo day my answer is it's completely up to you depending on your schedule um for the last two years I've done it once a week recently I've been doing it fortnightly just because my works you personally has been getting a little bit busier um the types of solo date you're gonna do are gonna differ as well you know you might choose to do a solo date every single day you can do that it can literally be cooking yourself a really nice meal and watching a movie and you do that every single evening it could be every two days where you go to a cafe and you have 30 minutes where you drink a cup of coffee you read a book or you people watch or it could be once a month where you just have one day where you go and do whatever you like whether it's shopping having having a spa day, whatever works for your schedule, as long as you are committed to it and you are scheduling it in advance. Because if you would do that for another person, you deserve that attention as well. And then let's talk about what do you actually do on these dates. So I personally have a no phone rule, a no technology rule. overall so if I've gone to a cafe alone and I've brought my laptop that doesn't count as a solo date because I'm literally just working um I'm all for bringing a book on a solo date because I read with my partner we have reading dates so I like to do that with myself as well um I think the best thing is self-discovery so bring a journal or bring nothing and just think just see where your mind takes you you don't need to overthink about it literally just challenge yourself this week to go somewhere alone whether it's walking along a canal, going into a cafe, walking through a museum for like 20 minutes and just see what happens. And you can kind of forge your own path. Everybody is so different and unique and everyone is going to take something different from a solo date. So see what that thing is for you. Now let's talk about some safety tips. So I personally, in three years of solo dating, have never had a threat to my safety. never had a single issue because I follow a few different rules so 90% of the time all of my solo dates are always during the daytime and it's always in a city center so I'm there's always so many people around me and then when you're in a city center even if there aren't that many people around and if you're lost all of a sudden you can run into a shop You can run into a post office and you can ask for directions or the wi-fi or something like that or to use the phone. That leads me on to always having a portable charger with you that I saved my life so many times. Always have some cash not just card. That almost got me into a lot of trouble once. I would say always make sure someone has your location. That just always gives me peace of mind knowing that I'm going to spend like a weekend alone or I'm in another city alone. Make sure that you've planned out your itinerary beforehand. I think this is truly why I've never had any issues. So whether it's in my town or a different country, I know what the first hour of my day is going to be. I know what the next restaurant I'm going to go to. I know which route I'm going to take to get there. I know how long it's going to take. I know if I'm going to walk or if I'm going to go by Uber. I know what the weather is going to be like. I know if that place is closed or it's too busy, what my backup is going to be. That means I am constantly going to place to place to place. I know all of the ins and outs of it. I know exactly what the area is going to be like. I have my expectations rather than winging it, which is also okay, but it does come with a risk that what if you get lost? What if you go down the wrong road or area? My next tip is on how to make it enjoyable. This is like what I said before, you need to create your own experience and your own joy. Even if you live in a small city with no good restaurants and no museum, you can create your own enjoyable solo day at home. Do it in your garden, give yourself a picnic. Literally grab a piece of paper and paint a picture in your living room. Bake a cake, literally bake all day. Have a reading marathon, go to your local library. It's all- all about your intention and how you look at it. Don't automatically think, oh, but there's no one that's going to keep me entertained or talk to me. So it's going to be boring. That's such a limited mindset. And you're really doing yourself a disservice in that process. I can't teach you how to make a solo day enjoyable because I don't know you. You know you. So you know exactly what you like. If your friend said, what shall we do this weekend? You would know all of the things that you prefer to do. So do them with yourself and incorporate things into your itinerary that you know work for you. So. An example of mine is I will always have a reading break. That's my favorite thing to do. There will always be a cafe in there because that's just the vibes I like. There will always be walking. I just prefer soaking up all of the architecture rather than Ubering it everywhere. There will always be a matcha, matcha in there always. And I personally prefer going for food alone than activities. And that's just what makes me feel fulfilled. And when I'm at home, I feel more fulfilled when I'm doing creative things all on my own and I make it an event and I put music on and I light a candle and everything. Literally three days ago, I made a vision board and I made it a whole event. I literally did it, scheduled it to do it at sunrise and I was watching, sorry not sunrise, sunset. I was watching the sunset as I was creating my vision board and it might seem like a chore and it might seem like a necessary thing but my intention and my mindset and my perspective was oh my god, look at me sitting down, taking the time out of my day, putting my phone on do not disturb, making this a whole event because that is how much I care about myself, that is how much I am prioritising myself and my year I'm about to have in 2024, that I'm taking this hour to set my intentions for what it's going to look like and what I'm working towards. Wow, I really do love myself that much and that is really an example of how an intention can really separate being lonely to loving your alone time. And then I want to give you guys an idea that I had recently, actually, and I can't believe I haven't done this already. So when it comes to keeping things fresh and new, I would say constantly incorporating new things. I think research is a really big, important part of developing this relationship. with yourself. I used to, you know, whenever I'd be dating somebody, I would be following dating pages. I would be googling date ideas in my city. I would be saving every single restaurant recommendation that came up on my TikTok. So start doing that for yourself so that you can explore. And then on top of that, start a memory box for all of your solo dates. I am going to do this in 2024. Because what this is going to do is it's actually going to encourage you to keep going. And you're going to save all of these little tokens, you know, maybe a cinema ticket, maybe the bill from the restaurant that you went to. And it's kind of going to become like a challenge for yourself of how much you can grow and all of the places you're going to go to. And in the future, you're going to have this box of memories that literally illustrate how you grew on the journey of love that you have towards yourself. And that is so beautiful. And if you have that constant commitment that you know every single solid day I need to put something in here it's gonna maybe put you on new paths you're gonna walk into new shops you are going to remember okay this week I need to do something because this time next year I want to open this box and have it be full and remind myself of all of the things I did. It's going to give you the confidence to take selfies alone in public. When I was in Amsterdam on my first solo vacation, I was walking up to strangers and asking them to take pictures of me because I'm like, I want to remember this for the rest of my life. And it was fine and everyone was... happy to do it and I actually spoke to strangers in the process of doing that and it actually just added to the enjoyment of the trip. And lastly I'm going to give you guys some ideas for solo dating to finish off this episode so you officially have no excuses to not be on this journey. Okay let's do it together. Now there are going to be four categories I'm going to give you so we have at home solo dates, budget-friendly solo dates, fancier solo dates and then my personal well Tam's personal favorite solo dates. from my experiences. So if you feel like you fit into none of those categories and you want to do a mix of them, please just listen to these and take what resonates, take what sounds good to you and form your own little plan for 2024 for your monthly or weekly solo dates. Okay, let's go. I'm going to start with Tam's faves. Cafe is always in there. I feel like it's quick with my busy work schedule. It means that I have that quality time. It's something I love to do and it's over and done with. You know, there's not too much planning that's involved. next shopping oh my god I literally dread going shopping with anyone else I love taking my time I just love the creativity and the process of putting an outfit together figuring out what I'm gonna buy cinema there's literally no point in doing it with anybody else because you can't talk during it anyway I think it's the easiest like beginner solo date because you're in the dark you don't need to worry about it no one's literally focusing on you so that was always like one of my starter solo dates A meal with quality time. Quality time is my love language. Really pay attention to your love language when planning your solo dates as well. You know, if it's physical touch, book yourself a massage. If it's quality time, go for dinner like I do. Really pay attention to your thoughts. My other favourite is travelling. So this could be to another country, like I said. Sometimes I'll get a train to my nearest city and explore it. Hell, sometimes I'll become a tourist in my own city. You never know what you're going to stumble across. But the main reason I love that is that it just really grows my independence and how well I can travel and what I see and how many memories that I can experience. And then lastly, because I'm an introvert, I do love my at home dates. So I love like a painting day, you know, like I said before, something to do with creation or I will like put together a nice fancy beverage in a wine glass, make a really good home cooked meal, light candles, put some jazz music on. Oh. Amazing, so romanticized. Remember, it's all about the intention. Okay, now for at-home dates. This is really good if you're not out of the house much, you're more of an introvert or you're just too young to, you know, go out and do all of the big stuff like dining alone at a restaurant. Like I said before, vision boarding, okay? One thing I used to do when I was 14, every single weekend was to build a fort and it was the most fun thing ever. You get so creative, you put fairy lights in there, loads of cushions, you can put your laptop in there and watch your Netflix and it just goes. elevates that entire experience that you would have been doing anyway when watching a movie at night um baking all day I used to spend my Sundays doing that as a teenager just trying to learn new recipes challenging myself using my hands not just meaningly scrolling um a self-care night okay having everything shower put together a bubble bath play some music to romanticize the experience do um some led skin therapy I've been doing that recently you know do some gua sha journaling sit on your bed write five things that you are grateful for today or this week easy raises your vibration it's some quality time with yourself and it really gets you thinking um about where you are at um and then we have budget-friendly solo dates so museums majority of them are free doing a picnic in the park oh i love it it's so cool a walk with no headphones so simple yet you are ticking off all of the things that you want to achieve by doing a solo date and spending quality time with yourself watching the sunset or the sunrise oh my god i have never been a morning person but when i started waking up at 5am just to watch the sunrise and like drink a matcha at the same time best way to start the day like you're really just taking ownership of your mornings and the start of your day rather than waking up at the last minute running around being stressed the first hour of your day trying to get dressed get to work and get to school for other people okay if you do this you are spending the first hour of your day impressing yourself living for yourself then i would say go to the library you know give yourself a reading challenge completely free become a tourist in your own town you ain't gotta buy anything you gotta you you don't have to like pay for any tickets you just get to explore see what you find um you could do fruit picking I really think it comes down to just doing your research, you know, typing in your city, seeing what events are on, what clubs are about. And then lastly, your fancier dates. You know, if you're someone who really only wants to do a solo date once a month and you can kind of give yourself the budget and really pull out all of the stops to treat yourself, then I love a good five-star restaurant. You know, go to the Ritz, get yourself an afternoon tea, girl. Staying in a hotel alone for the night is so much fun. Oh my God, like... get room service, wear the fancy robe and the slippers and just fully indulge in all of that service and experience all on your own. Oh I love it. Have a spa day, you know there are places now where you can like book a cabin that has its own hot tub outdoors and it's part of like a fancy hotel where you can like have an all-inclusive breakfast there, you know book yourself something like that. Go to a Pilates class on your own, I've done that before and yes it was scary but it made me feel like that girl when I had done it and I'd learned something new. go to the theater instead of the cinema and book a city weekend break. What is one place you've always wanted to explore that's not too far from you? Just go and finally do it. Research the restaurants and the places you want to go, make the most of it and just create new memories for yourself because you never know what you might experience and what opportunities might come up. How exciting. I hope you guys learned something from this episode and I challenge yourself to take yourself on a solo date this week. before 2024 if you can that is like the ultimate challenge if you do please tag me in your instagram stories because I would love to see and repost them or just send them to me on instagram dm because I'm always having a look and I love to see you guys complete the challenges or homeworks I give you in my podcasts and my youtube videos um this is now my last podcast episode for the year if you've listened to the last six episodes wow thank you for being here thank you for the support I honestly truly appreciate you and all the support you guys have given me this year you Everything is honestly just going to get elevated and improve for next year, I promise. So stay tuned, have the best start to your new year, and I will see you this time next week on Wednesday, but in 2024, for a new episode. Bye, guys!

It wasn't easy, it felt uncomfortable, it was confusing, no one told me how to do it. I felt weird, embarrassed, and even lonely at times, but that didn't stop me from doing it anyway. And because of that, I am now here. I've solo dated for three whole years.

I am more confident than I have ever been. It started off with simple things like sitting in a cafe alone, reading a book or walking through a museum or simply setting intentions for my solitude in the comfort of my own home and making it a whole event. Over time, it has grown.

And now I have attended concerts alone. I've sat at a bar alone on a Friday night. I've made new friends because I've been out and about alone. I've dined in restaurants on Valentine's Day alone.

I've traveled to other cities and another country alone. I celebrated my birthday alone and so much more. My commitment to myself is now unbreakable as a result because solo dating strengthened my standards.

It got me my dream romantic relationship and friendships because of that. But most of all, I now finally wake up every single day so happy because this process allowed me to become self-obsessed. I love every single part of myself because I actually took the time to learn those parts on my solo date and I'm here to teach you how to achieve the same.

Welcome to the sixth episode of season one of the self-obsessed podcast you guys and today we're going to be discussing all things on dating yourself, how to be happy doing it, the ultimate guide to solo date ideas, romanticizing your life, and all of the key benefits this is going to bring you to help you actually level up and make major moves in your self-love and self-growth journey. So throughout this podcast episode, we are first going to cover the seven key benefits of solo dating. Then we're going to talk a little bit about the mindset that you actually need to have during solo dating in order to do it correctly and maintain your happiness.

throughout that process. After that I'm going to give you the tutorials, so tips on how to effectively solo date and then right at the end of the episodes I'm going to give you a few different categories of solo date ideas. So at home, budget-friendly, fancier ones, my own experience and my favourite solo dates I've been on. The reason I wanted to make this an entire episode is because solo dating is a huge key to becoming self-obsessed. Because when you fall in love with your own solitude, you are no longer at the mercy of others.

You will completely fall in love with yourself and your daily experiences will be elevated as a result. And that leads us into the first section of this episode, which is the seven key benefits. of solidating. The first one is your relationship with yourself. As a society we have put too much concern on others.

We even manifest friendships and partners which isn't a bad thing but when do we ever build goals and set intentions about our relationship with ourself? We download apps to meet the right people when we already have the most aligned person we could ever dream of right in front of us, ourselves and yet we ignore them daily. Why? Why?

Because we think we already have it. And I promise you, we don't. Our relationship to ourselves has to be built. Just because you run errands alone or you're okay being single doesn't mean you have a good relationship with yourself. You will know you have a good relationship with yourself when you're confident, when you speak kinder to yourself, when you put yourself first unashamedly, when you stop seeking approval, when you stop overexpanding yourself, when you stop believing in your full abilities and potential.

and then you action it as well. When you prioritize creating your dream life for your future and younger self instead of concerning yourself about how other people will perceive you. When you are authentically yourself in any and every single social setting and most importantly when you get excited to spend time with yourself. When you actually prioritize that every single week when you are going on a date or meeting up with your friends. Hold up when was the last time I checked in with myself because that is equally as important if not more.

more. I have never had a relationship with myself because I was always looking outward at what I could get or who I could meet that was kind of going to save me or make me feel better or live a happier life and I did all of that at the expense of looking inward. When I finally started dating myself I learned so much more about who I am and when you are in the dating world meeting new people we fall in love with literal strangers because we are discovering more about them. True love isn't possible by just or being with them, just physically spending time with them. No, we need to understand every insignificant detail that makes a person who they are to truly love them and understand them.

And so solo dating allows you to do that for yourself. And as a byproduct of that, you will master self-validation, which is one of my favorite benefits of this entire practice. And that leads us onto benefit number two, self-validation and confidence.

Falling in love with yourself more. When you fully understand yourself, everyone else's validation becomes irrelevant. We only seek out other people's opinions and judgments because we don't trust and we don't know ourselves yet.

But the more you learn about who you are at your core, the more you'll realize that all of the other validation you're seeking is invalid. Because everyone's opinions is based on their own life experiences, lessons, traumas, mindset, childhood. So then...

you stop taking everything personally and you only live to impress yourself and there is nothing more powerful than that. Plus it builds self-esteem. In practicing solo dates we are achieving because we are trying new things, we are being spontaneous, we are pushing past our comfort zone and in the process we earn our own self-respect and all of these are key elements to becoming self-actualized which is the process of reaching your full potential. So being autonomous, confident, embracing solitude. How will you ever reach your full potential when you're just stuck at level one?

That level is caring about what other people have to say about your life. There is so much for you to do and you are letting the first hurdle hold you back. Solo dating is a form of exposure therapy.

And so the more that you expose yourself to those scary and comfortable things, the quicker it will no longer affect you. Benefit number three of solo dating is that it will have an amazing positive effect on all of your relationships and friendships. And so solo dating is equally as important whether you're single or you're taken.

Maintaining your independence is the key to having a healthy relationship. You will stop getting lost in your partner and all of your autonomy builds your self-esteem outside of your relationship. meaning you know now how to show up better and stronger in and for your relationship. When you realize that you love yourself and you'll always be there for yourself, that fear of being alone and going through a breakup is gone.

So then your standards are heightened and as a result, you now have nothing to lose so you stop settling. Now you have expectations. Now you expect queen treatment. And because you expect that, that's what you get. Too many people...

mold themselves to what their partner wants. Too many people define their worth in their relationship or whether they are even in a relationship or if they're single. If you have decided what your worth and your value is, nobody can stop you.

You are out here getting every single thing you want. Your self-obsessed energy is so radiant that it will draw people towards you like a magnet and because you are so sure and fearless in who you are and how much you deserve you are only going to go after the best friendships and relationships and then you're happier as a result as well. Benefit number four is the effect it will have on your attachment style and not enough people talk about this so let's use an anxious attachment style as an example. Now if you have this attachment style it can seriously harm your dating experience and solo dating can be the thing that moves you towards secure attachment behaviors which will help you seek out better partners and have better healthier more loving dating experiences people with anxious attachment styles constantly live with this fear of abandonment but if you are solo dating then you are showing up for yourself and you are acting as your own partner giving yourself the love and reassurance that you crave so badly and so if you're giving all of that to yourself then that means now you can show up in all of your relationships with a full cup and not in a state of lack and when you are going into relationships unhealed and with that state of lack people can see right through it which is what causes us to attract and go after the wrong people it's what kind of creates this magnetism where we attract the wrong people for us because they can see that we are weak and that they can take advantage of us there's this like push-pull dynamic which is why it said that you anxious attachment styles and avoidant attachment styles are so drawn to each other and if you're on the anxious side it is your responsibility to create that foundation love and relationship with yourself so you you're not desperate and you're not seeking it from another person because it can start with you Benefit number five is romanticizing life. Solo dating is the easiest way to do this and on top of this solo dating allows you to experience life right now.

Too many of us are putting off the things that we really want to do because no one's available okay. When you were growing up Even if you're in school right now, everyone's busy. Everyone's got their own schedules. If you want to go on a trip, go and do it. If you want to try that new restaurant in your hometown, go and do it.

Sit there alone. Because you are literally prioritizing experiencing life and making it. you memories for the opinions of others and what they're going to think of you you think it's weird and it is abnormal and you are going to be perceived in a bad light if you go and do that alone and you value and prioritize that so much and put so much weight on it that you sacrifice living your own life as a result let that sink in then we have romanticizing life there is so much joy to be experienced every single day and the thing that people get it wrong about this this is they think you have to find joy or you have to have the correct circumstances in your life in order to be happy and that's wrong what I've learned and honestly I am the happiest I've ever been I'm the happiest person I know truly and that has only happened because I figured out that you can create your own joy solo dating has been a huge catalyst to do this for me so like if I have a weekend and everyone's busy I can do something so simple I can go to a cafe sit there and read a book and order a coffee but I'm going to romanticize the hell out of that and act like I'm a movie character.

I am going to listen to the most positive, uplifting solo date playlist on my Spotify when I am walking there. And I'm not going to be scrolling on my phone. I'm going to be looking around.

I'm going to be people watching. I'm going to be seeing parents, you know, giving hugs to their little ones. I'm going to be seeing so much love and you're going to notice so many things you wouldn't normally when you are too distracted by the... person that you would normally be doing that with there is so much to experience so much to see so much to learn not only about the world but also yourself and that in itself is you romanticizing life I feel so powerful and so happy when I am walking to a destination alone because that entire experience is now up to me I am the one who influences how it comes out and I'm not hating on spending time with other people other people are great but there are so many variables then in that situation that are outside of your control so both things are great but remember the benefit of spending time alone is it's all in your power you get to create that experience and romanticize your life as much as you want the next benefit number six is free thinking which links into what I said before so how often think about this for a second do you actually get free time to just think you're not multitasking you're not at work you're not with another person you don't have any responsibilities chores or anything stressing you out about your to-do list your mental to-do list how often do you sit down with spare time and you're not scrolling or watching tv you're trying to think about what you're doing tomorrow and you actually just think You're actually just left alone with your thoughts to just see what comes out. Not a lot of us do that.

I, for one, never did that. And because we don't do that, we don't know all of the knowledge and all of the wisdom that is waiting for us in our own mind. I'm the biggest believer that the person that knows what's best for you is yourself.

And the only way to tap into that, all of that wisdom, is to just prioritize spending time with yourself to allow yourself to unlock that wisdom. A lot of the time we're so distracted. We are putting all of our effort, energy, and thinking power onto to others or onto our work that we are abandoning ourself in the process and so I have had some of my best ideas and best inspiration when I've been alone and I've just allowed myself time to be bored and lastly the seventh key benefit of solo dating is that it challenges you it forces you outside of your comfort zone and I will die on this hill of the importance of stepping outside of your comfort zone it builds discipline and it builds confidence and self-esteem and both of those things are going to combine to create the most powerful force of self-love in your life everyone always wants to know but how can I make this easier but this is too hard so then how do I do this and how do I find a way around it no you are missing the point it's supposed to feel scary it's supposed to feel difficult that's when you experience the most growth if everything was easy it would be boring no one would do it I heard this analogy once online um it was this graduate giving a speech and he goes would your life really be so much more enjoyable if your top five challenges disappeared you would think so right no it wouldn't and he goes let me remind you that if in the game super mario brothers you had one hurdle to defeat and then you instantly could save princess peach nobody would play because where's the sense of risk and reward and so you have to apply that same principle to to your life.

I look at my life like a video game. When I feel uncomfortable, when things are hard, you know, when I started solo dating and people were staring at me and I felt deeply afraid and weird and not full of self-love and confidence, it was teaching me something in the moment and it was sitting through that experience that got me here to the level of confidence where I can solo date every single day and I can teach others confidently how to do it. Imagine I thought, well this is too hard so I'm just not going to. to do it I'm going to focus my energy on other things I would have missed out on a huge portion of developing my relationship with myself okay now let's quickly run through the correct mindset you need to have during solo dating in order to be happy while doing it and actually get the most out of it so my first tip with this is to consider your real date behaviors when I say real date this is you know what you think dating should look like when you're with a guy or a girl you know whoever you're into What are you going to do on a first date? You're not going to be scrolling on your phone, right?

You are going to make a plan with this other person of where you're going to meet, at what time, and then you're going to write it down in your calendar somewhere and you're going to stick to that schedule because it is a commitment to show up there. You're not going to cancel last minute unless there's an emergency because showing up to spend time with that person at that place in that time is important. You are going to plan your outfit beforehand because you want to impress them. You also want to be confident. You want to be feeling yourself.

You want to break bring your best self to that date and that experience and then lastly in the real dating world you're going to be paying attention to everything they say you're going to make sure that you have thoughtful conversation you're going to be listening you're going to be trying to understand them and really fully experience them and their energy so why are you not doing any of those things for yourself I have so many questions from people saying you know can't why can't I scroll on my phone during my solo date because you wouldn't do do that if you were on a date with a literal stranger that you probably met on a dating app two days ago so if you could give them that level of attention commitment and presence why are you not giving that to yourself because let's pull up the facts here the reason that you are pulling out your phone is because you feel awkward and hey I completely understand that I had the same feelings but you cannot allow that to be the reason that you are forcing yourself to do something that's uncomfortable and then not even doing it properly because if you were sitting in a restaurant school on your phone you might as well just be at home in bed scrolling like you do every single day what is the point in you being there this needs to become a competition almost if you are out alone okay i want you to separate yourself from this idea that you're comfortable and uncomfortable and you're shy and you're scared just put that away for a second and every single action you take i want you to think would i be doing this if i was on a real date if the answer is no stop doing it if the answer is yes okay i'm listening and you know i made a plan and i made made a reservation online to have dinner with myself. That's one of my favorite acts to practice self-love during solo dating. I always put it in my calendar and I plan a nice outfit for myself.

Now, how can I go one step further? Because of course, you know, being in relationships and dating other people is important, but at the end of the day, I am more important. I am my own best friend. I've been by my side every single day of my life.

If anybody deserves that effort, it's me. So of course I'm going to put it in for other people, but if I'm putting in that level for you, I always do. deserve to go above and beyond for myself.

I deserve that experience. So I'm going to dress up just a little bit extra for myself. I am going to put more effort into this itinerary. I'm not going to scroll on my phone but I might bring my journal so that I can talk to myself in my head.

So that I can really understand how am I feeling? How is this week going? What is my intention? What am I grateful for? So that I can raise my vibration and walk out of this experience feeling happier, feeling more more in love with myself and my life and I feel like that is how you should spend your solo dates that is the approach and perspective you should have of it this leads us on to tip number two for your mindset your confidence your self-obsession people don't solidate because they have a fear of being perceived and they have this fear of judgment oh you know but people are staring at me what do I do um people are going to see me as a loner okay and okay let's say there is a group of people a group of friendship group across this restaurant they're staring at you and they're laughing at you okay i'm really gonna paint out the worst case scenario for you right here they are laughing at you they think that you're a loner it's so embarrassing that you are sat in this restaurant alone wow i don't even know know you why should your opinion affect the way I live my life since when did a stranger's opinion have more weight than the relationship to myself that's embarrassing and I honestly I'm speaking to my past self because I used to think the same thing.

It's a very uncomfortable experience and you might feel like you don't have the respect of others, you might feel like you don't look cool, you are wondering what story people are putting together in their head about you. Now I have the question for you, what if they're thinking something amazing about you? Why is your mind automatically going to the worst possible... they could have a view that they are judging you what if these people are staring at you thinking oh that's cool i've never considered sitting in a restaurant alone maybe if you push past the comfort and you redirected your attention from what other people are thinking of you to what you think about yourself, then you would establish such unbreakable confidence that that fear of being perceived wouldn't even affect you anymore.

The next step to building the right mindset to be the ultimate solo data is. Your thoughts of loneliness and singlehood. I have dined alone and taken myself on a date for Valentine's Day two years in a row. And I would sit in the busiest restaurants and I would be surrounded by a bunch of couples happy in dates.

There would not be another single person in that room. I literally didn't even see Galentine's people. I wasn't upset by that. I didn't feel jealous. In fact, I was unbothered AF.

I looked around and I thought, how beautiful is love? And just because I'm sat here alone on this Valentine's Day doesn't mean I'm doing life incorrectly, doesn't mean I'm unlovable. It means that That is a possibility for me.

I am sat in a room full of people so in love, celebrating their love for each other. That means that love and healthy relationships are so abundant in the world that I get to experience experienced that too and just because I don't have it right now doesn't mean I'm not going to get it single singleness is a gift and you never know when that gift is going to be taken away from you you could be single on valentine's day and you could meet your soulmate literally the day after would you not wish that you had taken all of the advantage of spending that day alone while you could have before your life changes forever and you constantly have somebody else to think about and prioritize and love and care for and then your time is split it all of the time and that is a beautiful experience in itself but you get to be selfish right now you get to treat yourself when it's your birthday when it's valentine's day go and buy yourself the chocolates buy yourself the damn flowers it's really establishing that you're not lonely you're just alone and there's a lot of beauty in being being alone and the only difference between those two things is your perspective you get to choose how you feel about it and lastly for your mindset i just want to talk a little bit about embarrassment Because a lot of people ask, you know, what do I do when people stare? What do I do if I'm overthinking? I feel awkward.

How do I ignore other people? Where do you even look? What do you do with yourself?

Where do you put your hands? I totally get it, but you're overthinking it. And we need to remove those limiting beliefs quickly and bring in self-validation instead. First of all, there is nothing embarrassing about taking yourself on a solo date.

Nothing embarrassing about it. In fact, you think it's embarrassing because you are judging yourself. how do you know that other people are judging you you don't so you have this limiting belief about it and you're projecting that limiting belief to everybody around you to convince yourself that what you were doing is wrong but if you had the highest perception of what you were doing that is full of self-love and confidence and it's helping you in your growth journey embarrassment wouldn't even be a thought that would cross your mind and then that leads us on to awkwardness what is there to be awkward about you're just experiencing life on your own doesn't nothing wrong with that you're not hurting anybody I just did my first solo trip to Amsterdam two weeks ago and every single restaurant I went on even the plane I didn't see a single solo traveler which I was really surprised by because I hear about people solo traveling all the time in that entire weekend okay people looked at me sure but I didn't think that they were judging me because I'm like I'm just living my life and I'm never gonna see these people again and whatever they think of me is based on the mindset that they have have grown up with and even if these people are laughing at me and judging me how sad is that that their limiting beliefs are holding them back from just being a happy human being that could just be focusing on their own experience right now rather than sending all this negative energy my way that is so sad why should i take all of that on and let it define me and what i should do with my life so you need to be so fearless with how you act on a solo date don't wonder where should i look look wherever the hell you want. I people watch so much and it's honestly probably one of my favorite outcomes of every single solo date I've ever been on in the last three years. I've seen so much joy and love that I never would have noticed otherwise had I been with a friend.

Look around, look at how the restaurant's decorated, look at people laughing while they're having dinner with each other, look at your food. Really pay attention to it. Stare into space and really pay attention to your thoughts.

It's almost like it's a meditative experience because you're being at one with all the thoughts coming in and out of your mind rather than feeling this need to be overstimulated. 24 7 when you think I have nothing to do I'm bored let me scroll on my phone or let me wonder you know what should I do how should I be looking how am I being perceived you are running further and further and further away from yourself okay now I'm going to give you my top tips on how to effectively solo date so my top tip is It's all about the intention. It literally does not matter what you do. I think people get like really overthink about what the actual activity is.

Hey you could be sitting in your bedroom watching a YouTube video and that could literally be a solo day. I am not exaggerating in the slightest. So how you solo date and how you separate that from just spending time alone is the intention.

So I'll explain it to you. We have sitting alone in your bedroom watching a YouTube video because you're bored, because you're having a little break, because you're waiting for somebody, you're just trying to kill time, you're procrastinating on your work on your desk. That's just spending time alone.

Then we have solo dating. Exact same activity, you're going to be on your bed watching a YouTube video but you're going to make it in a event you woke up that morning at 8am and you told yourself at 5pm I am going to have an hour where I get really cozy in bed and I have a marathon of all of my favorite youtubers videos online and that is my time I don't have to answer my texts I'm not going to be multitasking I am not going to be stressing about what I have to do tomorrow I am going to make sure all of the work and tasks I have to get done today is done before 5pm so that hour is my time and then I am fully present in that task and you are going to light a candle maybe you'll do a little bit of aromatherapy you're going to clean your room you're going to make it really nice and tidy you're going to have an everything shower right before and put your favorite satin pajamas on and that is the difference because you had something to look forward to all day where you thought this is my time this is my little enjoyment and reward after a long hard day and that is a very basic just at home solo date and then we have you know something more meaningful like going out for dinner alone no devices really just paying attention to yourself there's the kind of person who quickly runs into a fast food chain gets a meal to go eats it while they're walking to their next destination because they're constantly distracted overstimulated and prioritizing everything else in their life before themselves and then there's a solo date and with this comes the intention where you're like I am going to go online and make reservations for Saturday lunchtime to go and have this meal by myself I'm going to plan my out outfit in advance because even though I'm alone doesn't mean your girl cannot overdress and be feeling herself when she walks in there then I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna order myself a nice drink and a nice meal and I am gonna taste every single bite of it and I'm gonna think about whatever I want and I'm gonna enjoy it and I'm gonna soak up all of the vibes of the interior of the restaurant and everybody around me and you know what who knows what's gonna happen because also with the intention is the possibility of how much you can remember romanticize your life you go into that solo date thinking oh my god who knows what could happen who knows who i might come across who i might speak to who i might meet what realizations i might have about myself what new foods i might try what experience i might have what buildings i might see I've never noticed before that is you romanticizing your life um my next tip on how to correctly solo day is let's talk about schedule actually because a few people wanted to know this how often should you solo day my answer is it's completely up to you depending on your schedule um for the last two years I've done it once a week recently I've been doing it fortnightly just because my works you personally has been getting a little bit busier um the types of solo date you're gonna do are gonna differ as well you know you might choose to do a solo date every single day you can do that it can literally be cooking yourself a really nice meal and watching a movie and you do that every single evening it could be every two days where you go to a cafe and you have 30 minutes where you drink a cup of coffee you read a book or you people watch or it could be once a month where you just have one day where you go and do whatever you like whether it's shopping having having a spa day, whatever works for your schedule, as long as you are committed to it and you are scheduling it in advance. Because if you would do that for another person, you deserve that attention as well.

And then let's talk about what do you actually do on these dates. So I personally have a no phone rule, a no technology rule. overall so if I've gone to a cafe alone and I've brought my laptop that doesn't count as a solo date because I'm literally just working um I'm all for bringing a book on a solo date because I read with my partner we have reading dates so I like to do that with myself as well um I think the best thing is self-discovery so bring a journal or bring nothing and just think just see where your mind takes you you don't need to overthink about it literally just challenge yourself this week to go somewhere alone whether it's walking along a canal, going into a cafe, walking through a museum for like 20 minutes and just see what happens. And you can kind of forge your own path.

Everybody is so different and unique and everyone is going to take something different from a solo date. So see what that thing is for you. Now let's talk about some safety tips.

So I personally, in three years of solo dating, have never had a threat to my safety. never had a single issue because I follow a few different rules so 90% of the time all of my solo dates are always during the daytime and it's always in a city center so I'm there's always so many people around me and then when you're in a city center even if there aren't that many people around and if you're lost all of a sudden you can run into a shop You can run into a post office and you can ask for directions or the wi-fi or something like that or to use the phone. That leads me on to always having a portable charger with you that I saved my life so many times.

Always have some cash not just card. That almost got me into a lot of trouble once. I would say always make sure someone has your location.

That just always gives me peace of mind knowing that I'm going to spend like a weekend alone or I'm in another city alone. Make sure that you've planned out your itinerary beforehand. I think this is truly why I've never had any issues.

So whether it's in my town or a different country, I know what the first hour of my day is going to be. I know what the next restaurant I'm going to go to. I know which route I'm going to take to get there.

I know how long it's going to take. I know if I'm going to walk or if I'm going to go by Uber. I know what the weather is going to be like. I know if that place is closed or it's too busy, what my backup is going to be.

That means I am constantly going to place to place to place. I know all of the ins and outs of it. I know exactly what the area is going to be like. I have my expectations rather than winging it, which is also okay, but it does come with a risk that what if you get lost? What if you go down the wrong road or area?

My next tip is on how to make it enjoyable. This is like what I said before, you need to create your own experience and your own joy. Even if you live in a small city with no good restaurants and no museum, you can create your own enjoyable solo day at home.

Do it in your garden, give yourself a picnic. Literally grab a piece of paper and paint a picture in your living room. Bake a cake, literally bake all day. Have a reading marathon, go to your local library. It's all- all about your intention and how you look at it.

Don't automatically think, oh, but there's no one that's going to keep me entertained or talk to me. So it's going to be boring. That's such a limited mindset. And you're really doing yourself a disservice in that process.

I can't teach you how to make a solo day enjoyable because I don't know you. You know you. So you know exactly what you like.

If your friend said, what shall we do this weekend? You would know all of the things that you prefer to do. So do them with yourself and incorporate things into your itinerary that you know work for you. So.

An example of mine is I will always have a reading break. That's my favorite thing to do. There will always be a cafe in there because that's just the vibes I like. There will always be walking.

I just prefer soaking up all of the architecture rather than Ubering it everywhere. There will always be a matcha, matcha in there always. And I personally prefer going for food alone than activities.

And that's just what makes me feel fulfilled. And when I'm at home, I feel more fulfilled when I'm doing creative things all on my own and I make it an event and I put music on and I light a candle and everything. Literally three days ago, I made a vision board and I made it a whole event. I literally did it, scheduled it to do it at sunrise and I was watching, sorry not sunrise, sunset. I was watching the sunset as I was creating my vision board and it might seem like a chore and it might seem like a necessary thing but my intention and my mindset and my perspective was oh my god, look at me sitting down, taking the time out of my day, putting my phone on do not disturb, making this a whole event because that is how much I care about myself, that is how much I am prioritising myself and my year I'm about to have in 2024, that I'm taking this hour to set my intentions for what it's going to look like and what I'm working towards.

Wow, I really do love myself that much and that is really an example of how an intention can really separate being lonely to loving your alone time. And then I want to give you guys an idea that I had recently, actually, and I can't believe I haven't done this already. So when it comes to keeping things fresh and new, I would say constantly incorporating new things.

I think research is a really big, important part of developing this relationship. with yourself. I used to, you know, whenever I'd be dating somebody, I would be following dating pages. I would be googling date ideas in my city.

I would be saving every single restaurant recommendation that came up on my TikTok. So start doing that for yourself so that you can explore. And then on top of that, start a memory box for all of your solo dates.

I am going to do this in 2024. Because what this is going to do is it's actually going to encourage you to keep going. And you're going to save all of these little tokens, you know, maybe a cinema ticket, maybe the bill from the restaurant that you went to. And it's kind of going to become like a challenge for yourself of how much you can grow and all of the places you're going to go to. And in the future, you're going to have this box of memories that literally illustrate how you grew on the journey of love that you have towards yourself.

And that is so beautiful. And if you have that constant commitment that you know every single solid day I need to put something in here it's gonna maybe put you on new paths you're gonna walk into new shops you are going to remember okay this week I need to do something because this time next year I want to open this box and have it be full and remind myself of all of the things I did. It's going to give you the confidence to take selfies alone in public. When I was in Amsterdam on my first solo vacation, I was walking up to strangers and asking them to take pictures of me because I'm like, I want to remember this for the rest of my life. And it was fine and everyone was...

happy to do it and I actually spoke to strangers in the process of doing that and it actually just added to the enjoyment of the trip. And lastly I'm going to give you guys some ideas for solo dating to finish off this episode so you officially have no excuses to not be on this journey. Okay let's do it together. Now there are going to be four categories I'm going to give you so we have at home solo dates, budget-friendly solo dates, fancier solo dates and then my personal well Tam's personal favorite solo dates.

from my experiences. So if you feel like you fit into none of those categories and you want to do a mix of them, please just listen to these and take what resonates, take what sounds good to you and form your own little plan for 2024 for your monthly or weekly solo dates. Okay, let's go. I'm going to start with Tam's faves. Cafe is always in there.

I feel like it's quick with my busy work schedule. It means that I have that quality time. It's something I love to do and it's over and done with. You know, there's not too much planning that's involved.

next shopping oh my god I literally dread going shopping with anyone else I love taking my time I just love the creativity and the process of putting an outfit together figuring out what I'm gonna buy cinema there's literally no point in doing it with anybody else because you can't talk during it anyway I think it's the easiest like beginner solo date because you're in the dark you don't need to worry about it no one's literally focusing on you so that was always like one of my starter solo dates A meal with quality time. Quality time is my love language. Really pay attention to your love language when planning your solo dates as well.

You know, if it's physical touch, book yourself a massage. If it's quality time, go for dinner like I do. Really pay attention to your thoughts. My other favourite is travelling.

So this could be to another country, like I said. Sometimes I'll get a train to my nearest city and explore it. Hell, sometimes I'll become a tourist in my own city.

You never know what you're going to stumble across. But the main reason I love that is that it just really grows my independence and how well I can travel and what I see and how many memories that I can experience. And then lastly, because I'm an introvert, I do love my at home dates.

So I love like a painting day, you know, like I said before, something to do with creation or I will like put together a nice fancy beverage in a wine glass, make a really good home cooked meal, light candles, put some jazz music on. Oh. Amazing, so romanticized. Remember, it's all about the intention.

Okay, now for at-home dates. This is really good if you're not out of the house much, you're more of an introvert or you're just too young to, you know, go out and do all of the big stuff like dining alone at a restaurant. Like I said before, vision boarding, okay?

One thing I used to do when I was 14, every single weekend was to build a fort and it was the most fun thing ever. You get so creative, you put fairy lights in there, loads of cushions, you can put your laptop in there and watch your Netflix and it just goes. elevates that entire experience that you would have been doing anyway when watching a movie at night um baking all day I used to spend my Sundays doing that as a teenager just trying to learn new recipes challenging myself using my hands not just meaningly scrolling um a self-care night okay having everything shower put together a bubble bath play some music to romanticize the experience do um some led skin therapy I've been doing that recently you know do some gua sha journaling sit on your bed write five things that you are grateful for today or this week easy raises your vibration it's some quality time with yourself and it really gets you thinking um about where you are at um and then we have budget-friendly solo dates so museums majority of them are free doing a picnic in the park oh i love it it's so cool a walk with no headphones so simple yet you are ticking off all of the things that you want to achieve by doing a solo date and spending quality time with yourself watching the sunset or the sunrise oh my god i have never been a morning person but when i started waking up at 5am just to watch the sunrise and like drink a matcha at the same time best way to start the day like you're really just taking ownership of your mornings and the start of your day rather than waking up at the last minute running around being stressed the first hour of your day trying to get dressed get to work and get to school for other people okay if you do this you are spending the first hour of your day impressing yourself living for yourself then i would say go to the library you know give yourself a reading challenge completely free become a tourist in your own town you ain't gotta buy anything you gotta you you don't have to like pay for any tickets you just get to explore see what you find um you could do fruit picking I really think it comes down to just doing your research, you know, typing in your city, seeing what events are on, what clubs are about. And then lastly, your fancier dates.

You know, if you're someone who really only wants to do a solo date once a month and you can kind of give yourself the budget and really pull out all of the stops to treat yourself, then I love a good five-star restaurant. You know, go to the Ritz, get yourself an afternoon tea, girl. Staying in a hotel alone for the night is so much fun.

Oh my God, like... get room service, wear the fancy robe and the slippers and just fully indulge in all of that service and experience all on your own. Oh I love it. Have a spa day, you know there are places now where you can like book a cabin that has its own hot tub outdoors and it's part of like a fancy hotel where you can like have an all-inclusive breakfast there, you know book yourself something like that. Go to a Pilates class on your own, I've done that before and yes it was scary but it made me feel like that girl when I had done it and I'd learned something new.

go to the theater instead of the cinema and book a city weekend break. What is one place you've always wanted to explore that's not too far from you? Just go and finally do it. Research the restaurants and the places you want to go, make the most of it and just create new memories for yourself because you never know what you might experience and what opportunities might come up.

How exciting. I hope you guys learned something from this episode and I challenge yourself to take yourself on a solo date this week. before 2024 if you can that is like the ultimate challenge if you do please tag me in your instagram stories because I would love to see and repost them or just send them to me on instagram dm because I'm always having a look and I love to see you guys complete the challenges or homeworks I give you in my podcasts and my youtube videos um this is now my last podcast episode for the year if you've listened to the last six episodes wow thank you for being here thank you for the support I honestly truly appreciate you and all the support you guys have given me this year you Everything is honestly just going to get elevated and improve for next year, I promise. So stay tuned, have the best start to your new year, and I will see you this time next week on Wednesday, but in 2024, for a new episode. Bye, guys!

Transcript for:Empowering Self-Love Through Solo Dating

Transcript for:
Empowering Self-Love Through Solo Dating