there are seven keys that you must use if you want to unlock your ability to make her fall in love with you over and over again and once simply understood these keys will give you the ability to understand her better than she does herself imagine a moment of conflict where you give her the language that she doesn't have and this allows her to just have those emotional storms immediately evaporate getting her to completely let go of the past I know I I promise and how to use this ability to love her in a way that overcomes any obstacle or resistance that she gives you however by choosing to click away and not master these skills your brain will slowly begin to find more reasons it is solely her fault for where things are at this will slowly steal your soul you will feel the pain of failure but lie to yourself about why it happened the man that takes this path ends up bitter and full of resentment and I don't want you to go there so my name is Josh Hudson and I've taught these seven skills to thousands of our clients in our marriage Reset program so let's dive in here's what you can expect from each Concept in this video we'll break it down into four clear Parts what it is an understanding of the idea itself why it's important the impact it has on your relationship number three I'm going to give you either examples or stories to highlight this concept and then finally the fourth thing is how to apply it immediately with practical steps how to navigate these difficulties to create growth in your marriage let's build in with creating consistent congruence okay so congruence is a an extremely important topic once you get it down Shea sees you as a consistent man why you are who we say she sees you as an authentic man and that authenticity produces a lot of safety and just high value in her eyes cuz as you can see from yourself if you were to if you were to speak to a lot of men and look at men you admire they are authentic they are consistent and they have congruence so I've broken down and those I've never seen anyone talk about this in this level but I've broken down three types of congruence now there is macro congruence macro congruence is the highle concept of the men that you say that you are what you espouse in your values and then how you act so if you have congruency there's a straight line there's consistency right so I'm going to use Simple examples all right so if you say you're an honest man right you tell this to your wife you preach it a lot you tell others they should be honest you don't like when people are dishonest to you etc etc then your actions should match that but let's say as an example you say you're an honest man and your wife knows the way you see yourself yet you are not transparent with her let's say she's made that a big issue the difference between honesty and transparency is that Honesty you don't Li but you omit things that's not being transparent and to her in most people being honest is also being transparent and so if she brings up an issue and says you're not honest because you didn't tell me this thing but you're like I didn't tell you but I wasn't lying to you about it I didn't think you wanted to know okay to her she is challenging the way that you say you are versus what you are showing because if you were honest with yourself when talk about like complete uh congruence on the macro you say you're honest but you're not honest with yourself you weren't trying to trans arent most most times when I talk to guys they're not transparent because they're afraid if they tell wife certain details about things she'll get upset and then they have to enter that conversation deal with her emotions right so that's on the macro level so understanding what your values are and then matching them with the actions you take and look at every criticism she had towards you around this and you can find the in congruency and you want to correct that let's look at the micro level so the micro level has to do with your thoughts emotions and actions all aligning with each other okay so for micro congruency this is your daily thoughts emotions and actions right macro is more about who you are it's more General where this is like every day what you're saying to her how you're acting how you're feeling is there a straight line there so someone who has good congruence right let's say and by the way let me just actually correct this real quick it's incorrect the book called Happiness hypothesis actually states that uh emotions come first in their brain then thoughts and action so so a man who has micro congruence let's say his wife starts going out late right and she's wearing different clothing and she's hanging out with friends he doesn't like it but he doesn't want to be controlling so his emotions are fear jealousy insecurity okay we'll just do to base emotion but then and his thoughts are even they're kind of jumbled right because he's not certain of what he wants or who he is okay cuz there's also some macro concurrency there let's say the man says like he's in his thoughts like if he's to be honest with himself which a lot of guys they don't even take the time to analyze their thoughts write them on journals to see what they're actually thinking that's why there's heavy in congruence because they're not even analyzing what's going on regardless let's say that he knows his thought is I'm worri she's going to fight someone else you know he talks with one of our team members or coaches and he's like I think my wife is trying to fight someone she's trying to go out and date or she's trying to I don't know right but when his wife goes out one night and she tells him and he says okay that's that's fine she can sense the incongruency she knows he's not okay with it and she'll lose respect right there's a disconnect where the authentic emotion would be to exert and express his honest emotions how he feels and what he wants okay and you can do so in a way that is not controlling I'm going to do this off the cuss but it looks a little bit like this hey can I talk to you before you go out I just I feel concerned that you're going out I feel like you're looking for something outside of this relationship and it may not be true but I wanted to express that's how I honestly feel about this and yeah I wanted to have a conversation around it and the reason why that's high value is because you are being congruent a lot of people have it twisted or messed up that if you express vulnerability or you express your honest emotions that you're seeing this low value in that statement I'm not saying she can't go out I'm not saying you can't go do this I'm saying this is how I feel about it and if you saw yourself as a valuable person you would value your own emotions and people in your life should respect how you feel you see what I mean where the incongruent dishonest man keeps it in and he's afraid to push her further away and she knows that she loses respect therefore pushing you further away because you don't respect yourself and on a subtle level there is psycho in congruence so I don't have to draw this one out for you it essentially is that you say one thing but your nonverbals Express another I can't tell you how many times I I work with clients I'm going to refer to past clients not clients in this program but people where it's like they they bring about their trauma as an example the the phrase is called intellectualizing okay where they're sharing me their first trauma ever about how their father abused them or they were cheated on or whatever it is and there's just this flat affect which means they're like yeah my father used to hit me you know I mean it really sucked like it was really painful and I I honestly I like it it was devastating to me and so it's like if it's devastating to you you don't seem devastated you see so you have to also match and this is also a superpower when you look at other people by the way when you can tell that they're saying one thing and how they feel but they're showing another they're masking their emotions right and a high value Apex man finds congruency in the way he expresses himself non-verbally and also with his content of the what he's saying so there is a matching or a consistency or congruence between what he says and how he's affected or his emotions it's similar to the micro congruency but you can see from a different perspective from the nonverbals the next concept is to never stop gaming your wife this is the act of consistently pursuing her and maintaining romantic energy that masculine feminine polarity through giving her desire because she wants to feel desired if you're not this leads to stagnation and complacency as many may know especially Frank they went from love and passion to feeling like roommates to near divorce now they're on the road to recovery he'd be lying if he said that he wasn't afraid things were irreparable but there was a new spark inside of him a realization that if he wanted to win his wife back fully he had to pursue her with the same passion he once had or as Tony Robin says if you act like it's the first day you fell in love it'll never be the last they reflecting on the early days of the relationship he remembered how he'd make everything fun how his romantic energy fueled their connection constantly flirting with her teasing her touching her you know random spontaneous dates that was the energy he had to tap into again despite how she felt what she was saying it's providing her value but what was even tougher was that it had to come from a place of non- neediness he couldn't let his wife's potential hesitation or mixed signals get in the way of his leading Frank set out to make every week special it didn't have to be elaborate What mattered was the intention for example one week he surprised her with a cozy backyard picnic under the stars the next he set up an impromptu cooking class in their kitchen it was complete with recipes and music we called these potency actions in our program by the way we give a list of lots that you can use but for Frank he knew his wife was exhausted after work around this time so with report cards due a parent teacher interview so he stepped up and took over things around the house doing more chores than usual he came home tired but you know he's like unfold the of laundry that I would normally leave for her okay he said I'm taking K the kids to bed you go relax go chill out without saying a word he'd even make an effort to caress her shoulders and massage her feet while watching TV most men will say well what is she going to give me in return but acts like this giving her love doing these things for her romanticizing her you do it because you want to because you enjoy making her happy instead of worrying about me what what can I get in return cuz you're trying to feel this empty hole you see that this is where it comes from but with each effort he had he saw a glimmer and an old spark were turning into her eyes and for the first time in a long time they started laughing connecting and she could feel his genuine love his giving to her without expecting anything return which is the most important part he was no longer taking her for granted he was showing up for her fully and that made all the difference to overcome this I mean I don't need to tell you how to date your wife again again right to set up systems and Promises maybe in your phone that you're going to do one compl daily okay set it in your phone compliment my wife send her some gratitude right or plan these dates whether they're big trips or just spontaneous lunch across the day like the most popular Instagram real I have on my Instagram page if you don't follow it has like over 6 million views it talks about men doing small things for their wife and a lot of women are the ones who watch it and like it and comment on it because those little daily showing that you care it speaks to the larger volume of how much you actually do the third concept is that your wife is a jealous Gardener now what I mean by this is that she has an intuitive understanding she can feel she can sense it is a sick sense of where your energy is going into her or other places she can just sense it so if I to ask you a bunch of questions can you have women as friends is it okay to watch porn can you by yourself walking around middle of the day stare at other women that are attractive maybe even fantasize about them but you're not doing anything now for the longest time you'll have a lot of men out there say that those things are all okay and they can have the rationalizations as to why that is but the the more I learn the more I speak to women the more I look for my own mistakes and the guys and thousands of men of our program I see that that is actually the beginning of the cracks in the foundation and that adage that old adage of like The Grass Is Always Greener it is so true you know I used to kind of joke at that but it is true she can tell if you're watering and that water she can tell you're watering other places and that water is your energy is your attention is your thoughts she can sense it it is crazy I personally struggle with this in many of my relationships but I'll share with you a client story inste because was sharing this in our group call that I take take on Wednesdays with the guys in the program and one of the guys related he said you know Josh just recently my wife a couple weeks ago she found these old photos of my high school girlfriend and letters from her saved up in the attic and I didn't I didn't remember they were there he said and I believe him but when I challenged him I said well I totally get where you're coming from I really do for me it was photos on Google Drive just old photos I didn't know they were there either but to her it seems like you're still keeping that there as a memory and if she means everything to you now some women they can be okay with that stuff of having old maybe they have old letters from an ex and it means nothing it's just memories but the thing is if she doesn't like it and you want her in your life you do something about it she's not trying to control you she has a need for security for safety and whether her fear is unwarranted or not it is your job to reassure her to make her feel safe and throwing away some damn letters in the Attic just to make your wife happy should not be a big deal because whether it means you're choosing her or not in her mind it is and that's what matters you see it's a watching porn looking at another woman it doesn't seem like a big deal but that that I'm not going to take Sin from a religious perspective but that sin it is like a little bit of a drip away like watering these other plants right not fully committing devoting yourself to her she senses that the way to overcome this man is to be honest with yourself is Step number one like why are you keeping those things and if it is for nothing fine but step number two is like why do you have so much defense to get rid of it right to make her feel reassured why do you feel like I know for me myself and a lot of other guys that have their wies it's well she should she should be okay with that it's not a big deal it's like if there's no threat there then why ises she feel threatened again you're not her okay she is more sensitive to these cracks to needing reassurance so if you can give her that that's the most important thing that's that's part of protecting her you see so be honest understand with empathy and take action let's go to the next one okay the fourth key is to choose validation over defensiveness there is a clear difference between the men that are able to to resolve conflict with their wife and bringing her closer together and use conflict as a tool to bring her closer together versus the guys who essentially just make it worse and defensiveness is one of the key behaviors that leads to more of a disconnect is one of the four horsemen of the conversation Apocalypse in Dr goin's worked but let's look at these two different guys and I want to give you an example okay so I'm not going to go over every single one but as you can see on the chart a man who is self-actualized or an apex male their mindset is taking full responsibility for their actions and growth where the victim blames it external factors on their partner for issues when it comes to emotional regulation the Apex man handles their emotions with maturity and stays grounded where the victim reacts impulsively or with emotional outbursts the Apex man also sets healthy boundaries with respect where the victim has weak or rigid boundaries so rigid that they're controlling or is's over accommodating and I can go on and on but let's just go into an example so you can see how this looks like now I got this example from a guy the other day in our program all right so let's take a look at the example here so the situation is the wife comes to you upset because you proms to drop off the kids at a certain time but then to you something came up and whether it was work or some emergency in your mind right in your mind it was an emergency but regardless when you said hey I'm going to drop off the kids like an hour later and then she gets all pissed off and you try to compromise for 30 minutes but she's still mad she made something like what is it about talking that causes to BR anyways even though you may have a reason for why you can't honoring your word she's still going to say something like you never listen and you aren't a man of your word she's going to challenge you she's going to feel the disrespect she's going to feel her emotions of being upset not getting her needs met she's going to express that as she should so there's two types of victim mistakes that gets made with defensiveness the main way that someone in a victim mindset often times becomes defensive is they focus on context with counter examples the way this looks if you take the statements you never listen they'll say never last week I did this thing and you're going to make your case almost like you're defending yourself in a court case right and that creates this adversarial relationship caus her to be pissed off and everything falls apart this is what the Apex man does he validates Plus expresses so validation plus expression validation alone it can create more of a rapport but at the end of the day if you do it too much without expressing what you want she doesn't have respect for you so it's a combination of both so what it looks like is like this and you feel angry because I didn't listen to you right now when you're saying that you're not agreeing with her you're just saying this is the way you feel this is the way you see the world there's that validation so you're showing your understanding for why she feels the way she does and that is important where a lot of guys make the mistake is that when they validate they do something from a place of like okay just I'm going to say this word because Josh said on YouTube video that no don't feel that way anymore she feels that in congruency want to go back to congruency so tie these things together she feels the in congruency and she's saying where did you get that freaking book or a therapist because you're not being genuine validation has to come from a genuine place okay now the expression is I would love to resolve this with you but I would like us both to be conf first notice how when you express your needs you're putting in an us framework a we framework instead of saying what I need right when you have that us framework it's more collaborative and she's more likely to say okay he's thinking about us instead of himself all right so your wife is a transparent very picker I'm not calling her bad names I swear check out this clip and we'll expand on it it's just there's all this pressure you know and sometimes it feels like it's right up on me and I can just feel it like literally feel it in my head and it's Relentless and I don't know if it's going to stop I mean that's the thing that scares me the most is that I don't know if it's ever going to stop yeah well you do have a nail in your head it is not about the nail are you sure because I mean I'll bet if we got that out of there stop trying to fix it no I'm not trying to fix it I'm just pointing out that maybe the nail is causing you always do this you always try to fix things when what I really need is for you to just listen see I don't think that is what you need I think what you need is to get the nail see you're not even listening now okay fine I will listen fine it's just sometimes it's like there's this achy I don't know what it is and I'm not sleeping very well at all and all my sweaters are snagged I mean all of them that sounds really hard it is thank you ow oh come on if you would just don't okay we've all been there she comes home and she just starts going off on random details and you're thinking you're sitting there like what's the point where's the nail where's the problem I need to solve it now this idea comes from Alison Armstrong's work I check her out if I was you it's really good stuff on female psychology so the idea here is that from evolutionary perspective we are different men and women and as your wife is evolving you know us men we went out to hunt and we went out to hunt was like where is the kill right or where is threats and we had a goal we had a task and we knew how to get it done and it was linear thinking okay straight line whereas a woman she's going to go out to pick the berries and she's going to go talk to her friends about you know the husbands and all this stuff and she's going to notice every little detail oh those are poisonous oh look what happened over here and she's doing that because she's surveying the landscape women have a lot more attention to detail because of this idea of that they were trained through just periods of time trained sounds like the wrong word but they through a period of time they taught themselves or they evolved in a way to notice details and so the idea is that they would come back from their Berry peaking experience right and then they would tell their husbands of all the things that happened oh there's this new animal we saw or there's this or we found this Predator here there's a poisonous mushroom or whatever the case so she's essentially doing the same thing as Alison Armstrong says and your role as the men is to not look for the problem don't pull out the nail you simply understand and valid she's doing so to connect with you that is the purpose of doing this so the best way to learn this skill is to just understand it just to know it that when she's talking a lot of times about drama or details of her life or whatever it is how her day was at work you don't have to solve her problem just again give her that understanding okay the sixth concept is that it's not her it's you the Amplified reflection look there's a concept here that we have at marriage reset which is that your wife is an amplified mirror now we talk about Shadow work a lot too on this channel and the amplifi mirror idea is that whatever inherent qualities you have about yourself that you don't like about yourself your wife will reflect back to you tfold because the masculine leans in the relationship and she's just following your lead so what if she's feeling unsafe if she's pulling back it's because you did something first to make her feel that way okay and I know this is hard for a lot of men to really grasp and even a part of me want like oh but like she has some autonomy right yes and no in the relationship context how she feels towards you you are the guiding principle okay you are the one that has led her in this relationship through the good and the bad and you can see how when you change your behaviors it directly affects the way she feels you should have a stronger friend in your masculine okay so you should be having influence over her and if you aren't having influence persuading her it's because you are not your mascul core Freight so let me expand on this point by telling you a story Kevin had always thought his wife Sarah was the one with the emotional walls up you know she rarely shared how she was feeling she was that classic dismissive avoided I hate that term but regardless that's how he viewed her he can vinced himself that her distance was just a part of her personality something she picked up from her mother but it did eat it he wanted more openness from her a deeper connection but instead of approaching it gently Kevin's frustration often it just spilled out his complaints towards Sarah why don't you ever open up to me he would say with like a hit resentment in his voice these confrontations only created more friction between them and her responses grew just colder it left Kevin more frustrated when he started one-on-one coaching to work on his marriage his coach pointed a out a pattern that he' seen in himself he was holding back to avoiding conflict and bothering up his own feelings to keep the peace the realization was uncomfortable but eye opening for the first time Kevin saw that his guardedness might be contributing to hers that very night Kevin decided to break his old pattern he approached Sarah not with complaints but with just complete honesty like all of it just like vomited out this honesty okay all over her he admitted to her he's been holding back all these emotions hiding his frustrations and he hadn't created the safe place for either of them just to be real as he spoke Sarah listened and for the first time he noticed her softening and in that moment he realized something profound Sarah was actually holding back because he was first as Kevin began to show up more openly sharing his feelings without any expectations in return he saw her start to do the same her walls began to lower miring the openness that he was finally showing it was then he truly understood the change had to start with him final key is to stop living in an echo chamber look there's this idea that you're ego right who you are how you see the world your self-perception is where it got you to where you are now all your internal belief systems all that internal code produce the life you currently have positive and negative okay there's a lot of positive in your life I'm sure but there are some old patterns and habits and software that it needs to be updated okay if you want a different result and the thing is that you can't do surgery on yourself so to speak and this is why by having other experts or other men go through the same problem as you to be able to see within this an instance to say look like dude you just said this about yourself I can't tell you how many times I'm on a group call and I'll hear a guy say something like man I'm just no good and he doesn't even recognize he says it I have to call him out like Dude where's that coming from why are you saying you're no good or that you are a nice guy like no you're not a nice guy you have nice guy Tendencies and I call these guys out on these things because your language influences the that's that's your code expressing itself just to self dialogue by itself and this is why getting on a call with our team is so powerful because on that call alone that one freeh hour call we can see exactly where the problem is okay so if you want to set up a call or team to get that direct feedback and how to improve and how to for us to catch that old software click down below and make sure look it's not free advice though okay it's for you if you want to take action and commit to something okay but look it doesn't even have to be through us it really doesn't it doesn't have like if you have I mean the very least friends like friends are probably going to give you bad advice at times tell you just to leave her right a few talked to some guys who've been through a divorce that haven't worked ons so make sure the friends are ones who are challenging you or a therapist in the least obviously I'm biased towards our program but you need someone to challenge so present that to others I know it's like you don't want to share I know there's a lot of stigma around going through divorce or going through a difficult marriage but what's the alternative you're going to sit there and you're just going to try to figure it out your own and suffer in silence it's not worth it okay highly recommend you watch this video right here if you want to learn how to assert your boundaries more effectively thanks for watching I'll see you in the next one