hello so today we are going to talk about emotional intelligence part one so let me just uh bring in my slides here so emotional intelligence part one these are the five domains of emotional intelligence emotional self-awareness emotional self-regulation emotional self motivation empathy and managing relationships i want to give you just a quick thumbnail sketch of each of those five domains emotional self-awareness is knowing what you are feeling using that information to help you make effective decisions emotional self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotional state and control your interpretation of external events i just saw youtube on a video on youtube and it was a person who had uh he was sitting in the airport and they announced over the loudspeaker that the plane would be delayed by two hours this guy completely freaked out and uh just went bonkers and completely did not know how to manage his emotions or his emotional state it's not time to really there's no time to view the video but it was a perfect example of somebody who did not have emotional self-regulation emotional self-motivation is the ability to work through resistance things that prevent you from going forward so it enables you to act and to persist uh in the face of a challenge empathy you've probably heard a lot about the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand what they might be feeling and experiencing managing relationships the ability to cooperate appreciate differences and create outcomes that are acceptable to everyone and as daniel goleman said he's the author of emotional intelligence his book that is about 25 years old now we are being judged by a new yardstick not just how smart we are or by our training our expertise but also how well we handle ourselves and each other so emotional intelligence is about understanding yourself and other people so is adr it's really a study in yourself and other people so a friend of mine told me that she once had a supervisor with very high emotional intelligence and i asked her what does that look like can you just list how that person behaved and this is what she said she was on our side we knew that she was on our side she trusted us and gave us responsibility she did not micromanage she let us have input and actually listened to what we had to say she was fair and even-handed about things and i thought that her description of her supervisor was a brilliant definition of a highly emotionally intelligent supervisor so people with high high emotional intelligence they remain calm under pressure they resolve conflict effectively they lead by example they exhibit empathy toward their co-workers cicero right more than 2 000 years ago said people decide far more problems by hate or love or lust or rage or sorrow or joy or hope or fear or illusion or some other inward emotion than by reality or authority or any legal standard or judicial precedent or statute and i think there's so much wisdom in that in that comment we say that we're a country controlled by the rule of law i don't know if that's necessarily the case i think it's more like people behave how they want to behave and then we might constrain them through the law or penalize them through the rule of law but i think that cicero understood that most people make decisions that are motivated and their behaviors are expressed because of these emotions and emotions are huge in driving our behaviors and the more we can understand them in ourselves and in other people and control them and regulate them in ourselves the better we will be at influence and persuasion and leadership and everything that we have to do to engage in alternative dispute resolution so emotional intelligence in everyday life a perfect example it comes up throughout your day and if you start to watch for situations where emotional intelligence has to be exhibited you can find many many examples throughout the day for example in an airplane somebody that the airplane comes almost to a stop approaches the gate but it's not quite to a stop there's inevitably one one or two passengers who will start standing up and you can have emotionally unintelligent flight attendant who gets on the speaker on the intercom and starts screaming something about the faa regulations mandate that you sit down immediately that's the emotionally emotionally unintelligent way to handle the situation the very emotionally intelligent flight attendant will simply get on the intercom and say you're standing everybody will laugh and the passengers will immediately sit down but it was handling the same exact situation in a way that very quickly got rid of the problem did not make anybody feel bad used a little bit of humor but that is the emotionally intelligent approach people who have struggled often times have especially high abilities in the area of emotional intelligence and why might that be the case the biographers of president franklin d roosevelt said that in his early adult years he lived a life of privilege to the point where he was arrogant and condescending at age 39 many of you know that he was stricken with polio by most accounts he transformed himself over the next seven years of struggle into a leader of empathy patience and keen self-awareness and this is exactly what people with high emotional intelligence exhibit this is a picture of fdr aboard the uss indianapolis in 1933 he felt that his disability was a stigma that was to not be shown to the public that's how those issues were handled back then the fdr memorial was built in 1995 and of course has a statue of him in his wheelchair if you want to see a very interesting debate about these kinds of issues google the debate in 1995 on whether the statue should be of him in his wheelchair or not um it's quite interesting what people will say in that debate i'm very glad in the end that the statue is of him in his wheelchair this is from author doris kearns who wrote the book no ordinary time once the diagnosis of polio was made the battle was joined for years fdr fought to walk on his own power practicing for hours at a time drenched with sweat as he tried unsuccessfully to move one leg in front of the other after what his wife eleanor called his trial by fire fdr seemed less arrogant less smug less superficial more focused he returned from his ordeal with greater powers of concentration greater self-knowledge the man emerged completely warm-hearted with new humility of spirit and a firmer understanding of profound philosophical concepts this trial by fire obviously turned fdr into a person with very very high emotional intelligence very high empathy for other people he was 39 years old when the polio struck what if trauma takes place in childhood there's a recent study actually reported that adults who experienced a traumatic event in childhood have elevated empathy levels compared to other adults childhood trauma increases a person's ability to take the perspective of another and to understand their men their mental and emotional states and this impact is long-standing these are the capabilities that one needs to be able to have to be not only a good leader but to be uh influential and persuasive in the context of alternative dispute resolution that ability to take the perspective of the other party to understand them understand their mental and their emotional states that ability can make you excellent at mediation and negotiation and arbitration and all of those skills that you need for influence and persuasion in the context of adr so these are my seven rules leading to higher emotional intelligence we just discussed the first one which is that your personal struggles can lead to higher eq now into rule number two rule two is in persuading others give them what they need to persuade themselves and in this context words that the words that you choose matter very much framing how you frame the issues or the problems can play a very large role so persuasion and resistance right do i persuade you i don't think that i persuade you i argue that only you persuade yourself like you move yourself from a to point a to point b in any sort of a persuasion situation the trick i think is to create the space for that movement to get people to lower their defenses long enough so that they will actually listen to what you're saying consider it and eventually conclude that they will go along with it and this idea people are constantly raising their defenses they can tell that you're trying to persuade them so they want to put up pers uh defenses so that they can prevent themselves from being persuaded if you can just keep the conversation moving along long enough so that they will actually lower their defenses and really consider what you're saying only then will there be the opportunity for them to possibly persuade themselves to believe that what you're offering is good for them and they should go along with it frank luntz is somebody who um has thought about words um he's actually a political pollster he wrote the book words that work and in one of his book he talked specifically in a political context about how certain words turn people off certain ideas so drilling for oil he said in a political context many people react negatively to politicians who want to drill for oil so he said don't call it that call it energy exploration people tend to not oppose energy exploration even though they oppose drilling for oil he said that gambling can turn some people off people think associate the word gambling with very negative things whereas if you call it gaming they don't and in fact there was a huge campaign i used to live in las vegas there was a huge campaign to switch the term from gambling to gaming if you go to las vegas you'll hear all about gaming you'll very rarely hear about the term gambling if you were in a casino the word torture frank luntz tells us is very negative to a lot of people but if you say enhanced interrogation people will say well it's okay to interrogate so sure enhanced interrogation is all right i don't necessarily agree with everything that frank once says in his book i think in a certain way some of the ideas and concepts that he talks about verges verge on manipulation but i do think that he certainly has a point research on cooperation this is the idea of how you frame things there was researchers named a board game in one of their experiments um two different names so they had one group play the game in one room and they called the game the wall street game they had the group in the next room playing the exact same game but they named it something else they called it the community game well as you can imagine uh the people in the wall street game were three times more likely to be aggressive why because the game was framed in the context of wall street which everybody knows is a rough and humble place so they were much more aggressive the people in the community game were not quite interesting just how the game is framed issues can be reframed right some people will accuse a politician of flip-flopping on the issue another politician or that politician who's accused of that will say i'm not flip-flopping i'm simply evolving right my views are evolving so even small things like that the word choice how you frame it these things make a huge difference there's an old story about a priest who asked a bishop is it okay for me to smoke while i pray the bishop says of course not you can't smoke while you pray so another priest walks up to the bishop and says is it okay if i pray while i smoke the bishop says sure it's okay if you pray while you smoke so it's quite interesting right the whole idea of framing is how you approach it what angle do you take how do you present it the word choice um all of these things matter a great deal and as these two small stories illustrate uh two small examples illustrate it matters a great deal how something is framed in the word choice my rule three is let the other party talk first and let them talk for as long as they want right their first offer essentially is stated by when they start talking their solution to the problem what they think is fair all of this might surprise you right it might be better than any what they present is an idea that might be better than anything you thought of their idea might be better for you than the idea that you were thinking about proposing to them so i would suggest let them talk first let them talk as long as they want they're giving out information that's the lifeblood of any negotiation or mediation or arbitration let them give you as much information as possible before you start talking i i want to have a brief exercise here i want you to write down three words that immediately come to your mind when you look at the following photograph again three words that come to mind immediately when you look at the following photograph you can stop the videotape if you need time i'm just gonna move on here if you need to if you need times please stop the videotape and come up with three words that come to mind so i want you i'm going to show another photograph i want you again to write down the three first words that come to your mind even if you have to pause the video tape please do that then here's the next picture write the three words that first come to your mind so there's the photograph so look for a moment at the three words that you've written for the first photograph and the three words that you have written for the second photograph are the words fundamentally different in what they convey because here's the interesting thing these are the same people in both photographs they are astronaut astronauts from nasa's mercury 7 mission in the early 1960s they were training in the desert you will see here's the photograph side by side there's our famous senator john glenn the third from the left in each of the photographs the other people are a little bit more mixed up in their positions but all of these are the same people and you probably wrote very different words based on these two photographs so the last point i want to make in this video is please be very careful about making assumptions and jumping to conclusions very careful about making assumptions and jumping to conclusions so we'll stop there for now i'll look forward to speaking with you again very soon thanks very much