hi guys welcome back to my channel and if you're new welcome to my channel my name is stephanie yates i am a steph anya for short and i'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in today's video i'm going to be talking all about emotionally focused therapy if you're curious stay tuned [Music] all right guys so i have really been slacking when it comes to the models and i'm so sorry about that we'll be picking up on doing more of these going forward an emotionally focused therapy is one i specifically get a lot of questions about and always have emotionally focused therapy is a therapy that was developed by sue johnson and leslie greenberg in the late 80s it was designed originally for couples but you'll see that this model can be applied to families and individuals too of course it is a systemic model as all marriage and family therapy models are and you'll also notice that it takes some of the humanistic approaches that we've talked about with carl rogers in today's video we're going to go through some of the buzzwords or key concepts we'll go through the interventions view of the problem as well as goals as usual i'm using my aatvs book as a guideline this is what i use to prepare for my exam and i still reference it today as usual i keep a link this is not sponsored but i do always keep a link in my description box because i found them to be very helpful during my studying process and i do have a video all about how i prepared for my marriage and family therapy exam for anybody who might be curious about my studying process so that i passed the first time the biggest buzzword on an exam to let you know that we're talking about emotionally focused therapy is attachment the difference between emotionally focused therapy and a lot of other couples therapy models is that it does have a better grasp on the why our relationship goes south right it is really making a connection between attachment and how we interact with our partners and if you're not familiar with attachment styles i do have a video all about that this is another model that is empirically supported what does that mean there is actually research and studies that are done to improve the validity of using this approach in helping to address marital issues or familial relational issues as a whole so you might be wondering at this point okay i understand attachment couples where's the emotionally focused part come in the main focus of emotionally focused therapy is to exacerbate a couple's emotional state it's called emotionally focused therapy because the creators really believed that the only way to solve problems is to recognize and address emotions this can help them to restructure their relationship by recognizing their attachment needs or styles and ultimately by helping them to recognize any deficiencies in their emotional intimacy if you're looking for a more streamlined universal less nerdy conversation around emotional intimacy i do have a video all about some simple and practical ways to build emotional intimacy in your relationship i actually have a couple of videos about that some things to remember when it comes to emotionally focused therapy as i view all couples therapy the couple is the client so you don't want to think of just the person who called and joined session as your client you are focusing on helping build and better this relationship the relationship itself is your client one really cool thing that i love about emotionally focused therapy is how attachment theory is interwoven and i do have a video on attachment theory but if you are familiar with it already it's very much interwoven to the fabric of emotionally focused therapy so you want to think about the therapist's role in working with this couple and if you're familiar with attachment styles your healthy secure attachment is created by two facets you have a safe haven that you can go to in times of danger and fear and also a secure base for where you can leave and explore and try new territory knowing that you have this safe and protective space behind you the therapist serves as the secure base for the couple as they go through the process of therapy so this therapist is going to be i think of that from a practical standpoint as being the person who recognizes maybe when the conversation might be going too far where triggers might be coming up helping people to remain safe and keep the conversation productive during the course of therapy this can also be very useful once the couple is outside of therapy because they might be able to remember some of the things that therapists may have called them out for as like hey that's foul that's not really good use of our time is that really relevant for the conversation and things like that that's been some of the benefits that i've seen when i've been utilizing this model with couples emotions give us a lot of information about our attachment style so for example if you have an insecure like anxious attachment you might have a lot of angst nervousness fear when a person might leave you for example so if we can read into those emotions and instead of saying hey you need to stop being so worried about them not coming back and start leaning more into wow what's happening in your body how are you feeling when you start feeling this palpable fear of a person abandoning you the belief is that we can make a lot more progress in therapy when we respect those emotions and help a person learn how to deal with them and understand what they mean instead of either ignoring them or shaming people for the emotions that they're experiencing the need to be attached the desire to have connection with people that's completely healthy that's nothing that would be concerning however when those needs are in the context of attachment and security right if you're in a space of being either avoidant or anxious or having this organized attachment then a lot of times very benign things can impact you make you feel worried or make you get angry you make you feel that you need to leave and cut a person off so in the very specific context of attachment insecurity that's where sometimes our attachment needs or that desire for connection can become unhealthy or toxic so similar to some of the previous models we've talked about with couples the goal when it comes to emotionally focused therapy is to ultimately de-escalate the negative interactions happening with partners and to help create more positive ones it's about providing that balance we saw that as well when we talked about gottman's theory is really trying to increase those positive interactions we're not trying to eliminate all negative interactions that's unrealistic we want to be able to help the partners identify healthy ways to de-escalate on their own by modeling that for them in session so another very important aspect to remember when it comes to emotionally focused therapy is that it's not as focused on insight you know especially not historical insight like we might see with other models that focus a lot more on a client's history it's focused on helping to address the current emotions that a person or couple is experiencing within their interactions so having a new emotional experience that is how johnson and greenberg believe that change occurs within a relationship you start creating new emotional experiences within the relationship you don't necessarily have to negotiate what to do going forward you also don't have to continue investigating and finding insight as to things that have happened in the past that's an important part of the process but it's not the sole focus of emotionally focused therapy when it comes to the view of the problem johnson and greenberg really did a great job illustrating the common cycle that we see with couples and what i like about this is that once you explain this cycle to your couples i use a lot of psychoeducation when i'm working with couples they can see it too and once they recognize that they're falling into this textbook cycle they usually are motivated to get out of that because if we can say hey the thing you're dealing with on a daily basis that feels unworkable unmanageable is actually in a textbook they're like okay well you guys probably have a process for fixing that so keeping in mind that relationship distress is assumed to be the result of attachment insecurity our attachment styles as we know are developed from our family of origin the things that we experienced as a child as a baby the things that let us know where we safe do people care about us uh where we gonna be protected those are the things that encourage our attachment styles with our partners later in life and so what happens is if you had some sort of attachment insecurity you know like we talked about maybe you are fearful of your partner or you're afraid of them leaving you or you are afraid of getting too close to them and you want to leave them those things usually manifest into feelings of sadness and hurt usually in childhood and ultimately end up evolving into anger so that anger ends up being spewed at your partner and it might be going both ways both people feeling an attachment and security and blowing up and being angry toward one another that anger usually does not elicit the response that you want from your partner you usually end up being you know either they might leave or they might yell back or whatever response you were hoping for is usually not going to be the reaction that you get from your partner which leads into a downward spiral that downward spiral includes becoming very clingy because now you're afraid about your partner leaving you in response to your angry outburst or other self-sabotaging techniques that end up pushing your partner away so the next step in that cycle is clinking to them feeling unwanted leads to being depressed feeling despair and ultimately withdrawal right because a lot of times to protect ourselves from feeling rejected we will remove ourselves from the situation first and this is the continuous cycle that we see essentially with emotional and attachment and security within couples so our goal is to disrupt that cycle and pattern because ultimately that pattern prevents trust and intimacy within relationships which is obviously very important and necessary for a healthy fulfilling relationship so simplified what are the goals of emotionally focused therapy is just to rebuild the relationship and have each partner have more positive emotional experiences within their interactions with their partner this can help them develop a more secure bond and of course that requires increased intimacy and trust so now let's talk about the therapy process and interventions so sue johnson loved to use the metaphor of the therapist being a choreographer because they're helping the couple reestablish and reconfigure their current habitual dance and routine and so there are three stages that they outline as the three stages of therapy with an emotionally focused therapy stage one is assessment and cycle de-escalation here the therapist is creating a bond with the couple recognizing what's their typical negative interaction style is start picking up on any attachment related issues that you might think are playing a part in the couple's dysfunction and then a very important part of this stage is reframing the problem as more of a problem with their interactions this is super important i think of this like how we talked about in the narrative therapy video which is externalizing the problem often when couples come in what they're doing is pinpointing you're the problem or they say i'm the problem you know which that one is a little bit more rare but it does happen where a person is blaming all issues on themselves but instead what you're helping them recognize is that they are not the problem as individuals there is an issue with the way they interact with each other this way the couple can team up against that issue with the interaction instead of fighting against one another okay stage two this is where you're actually changing those interactional patterns this is where you're actually in the thick of recreating that dance that they're accustomed to within this stage you want to promote the individuals or a couple identify areas of attachment need that they have disowned a lot of times people will be resistant to saying that they have certain issues and you want to help them recognize that these emotional or attachment insecurities are impacting their relationship you also want to help them very important part of that process is helping them identify aspects of their self that they have denied or refused to admit or acknowledge for example you might have someone in the relationship who actually loves and craves attention and instead of admitting that they'll keep saying i don't want attention i'm not that kind of person i'm modest you know but in reality that's exactly what they want and they refuse to accept that part of themselves you want to help them rectify the parts of themselves that they're ashamed of or that they've been told is too much and help them to have a better solid understanding of who they are so that their partner can love them better and that they can love themselves better that part is my interpretation of it not necessarily how sue johnson or leslie greenberg communicate that goal another really important part that i always try to hone in on is helping to promote each partner accepting the other partner's experience a lot of times people are like i never did that to you you're over exaggerating you're being dramatic instead of saying i can't believe you felt that way i hate that i contributed to that emotion for you i'd love to learn more about how to help you not feel that way anymore so helping them to accept that just because you might be experiencing the relationship one way doesn't mean that your partner is experiencing the exact same thing after that within the stage you want to help facilitate better communication about needs and wants and do things encourage things that will help them bond more spend more time together and make their interactions more positive you want to restructure them in a way where they don't feel that every time they get together for example they're going to be arguing or feeling abandoned or feeling hurt or feeling the need to leave creating interactions that are more positive all around okay and in the last stage consolidation and integration this is where you ultimately start talking about solutions to the problems that have finally been communicated right so if you have a person for example who never admitted that they need more attention then we start talking about what that looks like you know if you guys had sundays every day to just spend time together on the couch watching tv would that be a meeting of that need or maybe going for a walk or maybe having a rule where phones are put away when you're having a conversation understanding solutions to the problems that now the couple is more comfortable expressing and you want to continue building on those new positions and the new cycles that encourage safety and closeness within the relationship during those three stages the therapist's main role is to create a safe alliance with this couple make it so that therapy is a safe space for them to bring things into the room that maybe they've never felt comfortable sharing before you want to identify and help restructure the emotional responses that the couple's typically practicing within their interaction some of the techniques the therapists can do to accomplish this type of environment is by like reflecting emotions back this helps to both build the alliance because the partners feel that you really understand them and also helps to highlight and recognize you know the emotions that are underlying certain things being said or done within the room of course you want to be able to validate the emotional experience that each partner is having if someone is saying i feel neglected you don't want to say how could you feel neglected when your partner does xyz for you you want to let them know that you understand and hear them and you appreciate the fact that they were able to express that within the room you want to help support a partner as they try to explore their emotions some of my clients have such a hard time even trying to find a word to express how they feel because they're so accustomed to just always saying they're fine and trying to keep moving even when it's very obvious their body their interactions their relationships everything is letting them know that things are not fine so as they're in the process of trying to explore their emotions and what feelings make sense what words make sense for the feelings they have you want to definitely promote that and encourage that you really want to focus on helping the couple create new meanings right so if you have a partner who's always working and one of the partners views that as them abandoning them first you want to validate the feeling of abandonment but then you want to help them think about why that partner is working and why it's important for them to provide and helping to create new meaning for old action some things can't change the only thing that can change is the way that we view it and lastly another way to restructure and shape the interactions between a couple is with enactment you know sometimes it's not as obvious that a person is being hostile or person is withdrawn as when you reenact what you're saying or you have the couples play each other in role play different ways to help them recognize the emotions that are underlying the way that they behave their body language their tone and other forms of interaction that can really let us know where they are emotionally you want to confirm those negative interactions and help them to create new ones you know teach them how to say something better or a tone that might be a little bit more well received or maybe giving a hug before saying certain things depending on their partner right you're helping to choreograph rearrange the way that they are currently interacting with one another again with the goal of building more positive interactions between them i hope you guys found this helpful if you have other questions about emotionally focused therapy please feel free to put those down below again i encourage you if you are in the process of studying a lot of what i learned it comes from the aatbs books and i do have that in my description box for anybody who might want to use that for studying again thank you guys so much for watching the videos i ask that you like this video subscribe to my channel share with friends share it with your class share with your cohort i love hearing about these being used in classes and it's just really great to know how these models have been impacting grad students like me i was a grad student not that long ago so i love to be able to help and let me know any of your requests or suggestions for other videos down below again my name is stephanie it's ivory stephanie for short i truly appreciate you for watching this video especially all the way until the end it really really helps me so thank you thank you thank you [Music]