Hi everyone. Well, I am very excited today because I have a special treat for you. I have someone very special with me today, Lauren Carrera.
She is one of my certified facilitators. She's a NeuroCycle certified facilitator, done extensive training with me and has been working with people individually for the last almost two years now, using, helping them on an individual basis, work through the NeuroCycle in different sessions. And she's going to tell you about how that all works at the end.
But I wanted her to chat with us today because she... is so vulnerable and open and honest about some issues that she was going through that actually brought her to the NeuroCycle system. And so she's going to talk about her marriage and about how the NeuroCycles helped her.
She has tremendous insight and is very vulnerable, honest, and open, and has really helped so many people. Lauren, it's such a pleasure to have you joining me today, and I'm so excited to hear what you've got to say. Good.
Hello, y'all. It's so good to be here. I love you.
I love what the neuropsycho has done in my life, obviously enough to become a facilitator and to dedicate walking other people through this process. It has transformed things in my life, stubborn wounds that I no longer had a pathway forward. Brene Brown talks about hope being the intersection of a pathway and a destination.
And there were just so many years in my marriage where I... couldn't see the destination anymore because I didn't have a pathway. And the neuropsychal was the pathway, the pathway forward.
And so I would just love to get into a little bit more of how that worked for me so you can understand how this is available to you. Fantastic. That is so amazing.
Lauren, this is amazing. So let's just dive in and hear what you've got to say and tell us your story and tell us the highlights. Let's begin the conversation.
Wonderful. Well, I married my high school sweetheart and we dated long distance for four years, very long distance for six months when I went to Bolivia, came back, got married, started life. And, you know, we're full force, excited about, you know, building our careers, moved to Southern California. We're working jobs that we loved, but there were patterns that started building, right?
Yes. As we all experience. And if you would have, if you would have asked me at the time what the pattern was, I would have said, well, my husband forgets things and doesn't plan ahead.
And I do the legwork and pick up the pieces. And it would have been so prideful and arrogant, but not super untrue. So the problem really came when I started to feel like this. quirk of his, the struggle of his became a character defect.
And it began, you know, to be more hurtful when it wasn't just forgetting the beach towels, it was forgetting the diaper bag or what we had planned for my birthday. And I started building in neuropsychal terms, a toxic thought around this man and this man who I loved and adored at some point. And we talk about in neuropsychal terms, you know, how your toxic thought has a perspective, how you can see the world today because of it. And my perspective was overwhelmingly negative and, you know, that impacts everything.
There's nothing so lonely as being lonely in a marriage. And yeah, the strife, I remember one day crying to myself and thinking, why am I so upset that my husband doesn't know where the chili powder goes? like, what is wrong with me?
And so what happened is that I entered into something called negative sentiment override. So the Gottmans are research marriage giants, and that is what they call this perspective taking hold and taking over. And honestly, I couldn't really find a way out. We did some counseling.
Some of it was helpful. Some of it was not. And it just felt like we were going so grateful to plug into a podcast one day and hear an interview with Dr. Leaf.
And I remember thinking to myself, I think this might work. I think this is my next step. So bought the audio book that day, listened to it the whole week as I packed up my house because we were moving to California and just decided.
what do I have to lose? Like, maybe this could work. Yeah. So. What was fun is that I started my neuropsych with the attitude of, I'm going to prove that maybe this doesn't work, which is so great to relate to clients who are in a kind of a hopeless place.
And they're like, what, is this going to work? And I'm like, And all of it already, you know, they kind of, that's a common thing. Sorry to interrupt you there, but it's like, I've done this all.
I've done the, I've done this, all these little things that you're going to tell me to do. I've tried everything. So yeah. Yes. And it can be so discouraging.
And I uniquely thought this is not going to work because my toxic thought is not about me. It's about my husband. And so just to give you permission, you know, if you're struggling in your marriage and the toxic thought that you have really identified is about the other person, that's a great place to start. Yeah. A really good place.
So that in itself, identifying the toxic thought was such a... relief. I, you know, was able to understand it. It wasn't just that he, you know, was forgetting things.
It was that I felt deeply rejected every time he did. So my toxic thought was my husband doesn't love me enough to follow through, which was deeply painful. And, and I, oh, so good.
Anyways. Okay. So many things. So step one, step one is always gather awareness, right?
So Gather Awareness gave me the permission to lean in in a healthy way to the ugly, to get the ugly, messy mind out of my head, onto my metacog, onto my paper, and start to process things that I had been suppressing for years. I think a lot of us think in order to honor our marriages or our spouses, we are to push away. And...
We can do that in the name of not wanting to talk bad or not wanting to dwell on the negative. But if we never deal with it, what we suppress becomes more toxic. It just chases you. What you suppress doesn't go away.
It just keeps coming back worse than before. And in a marriage, it ends up coming out sideways somewhere else, right? Yeah, absolutely. It doesn't just resolve. And then, wow, it would have been so much greater to pay attention to the initial warning signals and deal with it then then let it build so that gave me permission the navy seals say embrace the suck and so that really was a great starting place and that's literally what i think as i am sitting down to do my neural cycle okay it's time to embrace the suck i love that i love that that's such a great way of describing it because it does suck so good so you So interesting.
I had been having reoccurring nightmares about him or I having an affair and one of us leaving. And for months, I would just wake up weepy and sad or irritated and angry, guard up, such a terrible way. My mind, my poor mind was trying to deal with this. And on day four of doing my neuropsycho, my dream stopped. Wow.
It's so interesting how day four is one of those days that these people start sleeping, dreams stop, nightmares stop. It's such an interesting pivotal point. So interesting you should say that. It was as if my mind could breathe again.
And I love experiencing this with clients when they're like, the anxiety hasn't followed me everywhere today. I opened it up in my neuropsychal and I was able to put it away. And it's such a grace.
And that was my experience. So that was beautiful. Yeah, that's really beautiful.
I became very aware during my neuropsychal of some really amazing things that someone from the outside could have told me, but it wouldn't have been as powerful. It would not have been as meaningful to me if I did not uncover them myself. And I love, I love that about the neuropsychal process.
So I want you to emphasize that just a little bit. I know you're in the middle of your narrative and I didn't want to disrupt you there. But you said some very key issues and that is embrace the suck.
I love that quote. But how you said that the gather awareness gave you permission because we often live with all kinds of belief systems that make develop mindsets that lead us to think, well, I must just, you know, I must just be, I must just suck it up. I'm his mother. I'm a wife. I'm a this, I'm a that.
I must just deal with it. And then also how you said there that how the neuropsycho got you to take responsibility because you can go for all the therapy and counseling and coaching. And.
people talking to you, but at the end of the day, you have to do it yourself. And the NeuroCycle really does empower you to do that. I just wanted to emphasize, I loved how you said that.
The empowerment that happened was transformational. One of the things that I realized really early on as I was going through my first 21 days was that although my origin stories of pain were real from my husband, they touched on wounds that predated the marriage. It helped me zoom up, take on the multiple perspective advantage, get out of my tiny little box mindset of just what's hurting right now and see, oh, wow, that self-worth issue is from my past.
That self-esteem issue is from these other situations that had nothing to do with this man. And I love to see when clients are going through the same process that they get that freedom of, okay, I actually can. give a little bit more grace, especially to this spouse that I live everyday life with. But yes, they are pushing on my bruises and it doesn't feel good, but they might not know that those bruises are there.
It's actually my responsibility to heal what's under those bruises. It's my responsibility to go heal those wounds. Absolutely.
That's incredible. So that started showing up. Let's quickly go back to day one where you embraced and then you went through the other steps. Do you mind doing it sort of if you can remember back at day one?
It's a long time ago because you did this a couple of years back. Talk us through the rest of the steps and then carry on with the rest of your story because you've got such a great story. Yes. So step two is always you get to ask why.
So. As I was going through these steps every day, you do all five steps every day, as you know, on our app. And the step two is asking why. So, so many amazing moments of revelation that happen in especially those first 21 days where I realized I really have a lot more to own in this story than I realized. I had been.
so focused on my perspective that I didn't realize how much my perspective was coloring everything in my marriage. It was coloring everything. And of course it was.
I understand this now and it's so easy to see from the outside, but for me to get to say, oh, wow. I remember one morning I had reflected on this for the first time and I had just had this moment where I. barked at my husband for not doing something I'd explicitly asked him to do. And it's not even like he didn't do it.
He didn't do it yet. And I come to find out that it's because he was helping our son in the bathroom. Oh, I'm like, what?
Come on, Lauren. I realized in that moment that I was looking for damning evidence to support my toxic thought. I wasn't being a good scientist.
It's so powerful. I wasn't collecting evidence against it. And that is such a common theme.
Once we get this negative sentiment override and we start seeing the person, any relationship really, but especially our spouse in this view, we start putting branches on our toxic thought and allowing it to become bigger and bigger. And there is always another way. to look at the situation. That's so true.
It's so interesting what you said there with how your perspective was coloring, how you were viewing, and then looking for the data. I don't want people to miss all the gems you're dropping. You were basically looking for data in a biased way to confirm what you'd already made the decision that this was the problem. But the neuropsycho didn't allow you to stay there. It actually made you question the data that you were using to stay in that place.
And instead of revolving, you started evolving. You started moving forward. And so one of the things that the neurocycle, one of the many things it does is that as you gather awareness in that very specific way, as you go through these very sequenced, ordered steps, you bring order. And it doesn't allow you to, it's like putting up a mirror, isn't it? It's like you literally, you can know things.
I mean, even myself, all these years later, learned 40 years into this thing and using the neurocycle for all these years. And if I... don't do a neurocycle, I can tell you kind of what's going on, but it's when I do the neurocycle that I see what's going on, that I'll say, yeah, I knew that could be something.
And then I do it and I see, oh my gosh, this is what I was doing. This is how I was looking at it. It takes you from the outside to the inside and you start working from the inside out.
That's just kind of how I describe it when I use it. Yes, absolutely. I mean, step four. and five are always moving you forward, which is why you have permission to do step one.
You can embrace the suck because that is the only way through it towards healing. And because the neuropsycho, it's not going to leave you there. It's not like you're sitting at coffee, just talking badly about your husband and there's no action step. No, this is a healthy way to channel what is going on because step four and five are always going to lead you towards what else?
And What now? So good. What else and what now? So powerful. How did you find the like step three where you do the sort of mind storm and write it down?
So once you've gathered awareness and I stress with everyone who's listening, it's so specific as you know going through because those of you that are listening, some of you haven't ever used the NeuroCycle and you're just learning about this for the first time. Some of you are already using it on your own or even alongside a facilitator, but you are working through very specific. So in a sequenced way, in a very organized way, you work through each thing and each level is taking you down deeper and deeper. So now you gave yourself permission with step one to gather awareness, which brings it up.
You started reflecting on the why, which started opening all kinds of doors. And then let's talk about the third step. And then I love how you've described the fourth and fifth step, take us forward. And in doing that, I want to also come back afterwards and talk about traditional kinds of ways of approaching healing and how this is what the cycle is doing. So let's not jump.
ahead of ourselves. Let's talk about step three, four, and five in general. Let's talk about then we'll follow that in terms of comparing to sort of traditional models of healing. And then let's continue with your story so people can see your growth. So that's three big things to do.
Remember all of that, Lauren, I'm giving you a bunch of stuff to do here. Here we go. Okay.
You ready? Step three. Oh, I love it.
I love it. Why? One, it organizes the mental mess in your mind.
Allowing you to make sense of yourself on paper. I love that. As clients sometimes feel self-conscious starting the process of making metacogs and I just encourage them, hey, the messier it is, the more that has come out of your mind onto paper, that is the goal.
And you get to then make sense of it. And so here's a beautiful thing about writing it down is that my neuropsych journal is... is full of the ugly. Okay. So if I went back and I opened that journal, I would disagree with most of my thoughts in there right now.
Brilliant observation. And it is where I felt like I am going to write down what is going on, not to give it power, but so I can have power over it. Beautiful.
And that is the whole process that then allows you to do the next two steps. So step three, you get to make sense of it. You get to get power over it.
And something really amazing happens where I feel the validation. It's almost as if I have been able to witness my own pain. And in doing so say, okay, yes, that mattered. And what now?
So that witnessing step is something that is really powerful. in relationships, when you are doing a neurocycle, for you to have a facilitator witness what you are going through is so, so incredibly comforting and powerful. But also any neurocycle you do, you get to bring that.
And so this was just a catalyst for amazing conversations that I had with my husband. I didn't wait till I was done to start talking to him about this. It's beautiful. That's amazing.
So it's the third step, one of the ways I always describe it, you just, you... basically explained it from an experiential level, is it helps you to tap into the depths of your non-conscious, the non-conscious mind, which is your spiritual soul level, where all the stuff is, all the good, bad, the ugly, and the wisdom resides. So you're going into that depth, you're making that connection between where you're consciously operating from and where you are non-consciously being driven from, and you make that connection.
But you can't just dive to that point. You've got to first... do the embracing. You've got to embrace the suck.
You've got to start doing that reflection. Each step is opening another layer. And then you get in and you get into that depth through the subconscious, into the non-conscious.
And that's where you can start doing the work. And because it's kind of heavy going, that's why we shipped over quite speedily through the four steps. And you're not going to spend good sweet spots around 17 to 22 minutes. When you first start, I know when you first started, Lauren, And most people do it around 35, 40, 45 minutes so that you can get used to it. Once you're in a rhythm, you can do these steps in a good 15, 20, 25 minutes for the first 21 days.
Then, as you say, you're moving forward. So let's talk about step four and step five, how that takes you to your... One more thing about the third step, the right step. You stress that you tell your client, just bring up everything that comes up. That is so important because there's so much that we're not aware of and it's there and it's all connected.
So whatever comes up is connected in some way. So this is not journaling some beautiful narrative. As you said, this is the stuff you don't even agree with anymore.
It's just getting it out so that you have power over it. And your journaling comes if you want to do it in step five. But this is not a journaling step.
This is a capturing step. a mind storm of, and capturing from your mind storm. So you described that beautifully. So I'm just emphasizing for people so that they get, they just, they just get the beautiful things that you're saying.
Okay. Let's talk about step four and five. I love that because once you, I love the capturing because once you captured it, you decide what now, what do I want to do with this? So when I was finally able to see, wow, Hey, even if my husband was now today going forward, perfect.
I would still have to heal from these wounds from the past. This isn't an external, he's got to change situation. And this is where I thought my neuropsycho might fail me, which is hilarious.
I love it. I love that you're being open and honest. This is what people experience.
Go ahead. Sorry. Yes.
This is where I saw, wow, what can I do? And do I want to live like this anymore? Because I was able to process.
through the pain and witness it and go through the five steps and do the work daily, I got to the point where something really amazing happened. Up until doing my neuropsycho, I had struggled with this idea of forgiveness. And I thought, I want to be a forgiving person.
I want to be a forgiving wife. I believe in this concept of forgiveness, but I would have this nagging guilt when it would, you know, something that I had worked on forgiving would come. come back into my thoughts and my pictures.
Well, my toxic thought hadn't died. My toxic thought was alive and well. And so by the end of this process and through killing the toxic thought, my what now was I'm going to forgive and I'm still making the choice to forgive.
And it's done. And it's dead. The toxic thought is dead. So I mean, man. think of the implications of that for you, for your marriage, you know, for what could it mean for you to just one, stop feeling so guilty that you haven't successfully forgiven someone, but to get to really process so well that the neuropsycho makes you able and, and the forgiveness towards him, really, it shifted everything.
I started feeling. The ice melting off my heart. I started looking for all of the good he was doing.
I remembered all of the ways that he was my partner and his behavior changing would not have done that. So that is the power of the what now. And that's the step four. That's what do I do now?
What's the next thing? The next step, that's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.
And that forgiveness aspect is so relevant because that's something that we... We all know, but it's knowing and doing is very different when it comes to forgiveness. We've had it so ingrained in society that we need to forgive, and I'm not saying we shouldn't.
But until you actually embrace it and understand why and what you're forgiving, it's very difficult to actually do it. And when you do do it and you see, oh, I thought I had to forgive that, but actually I had to forgive that, but I didn't even know I had to forgive that. There's a lot of revelation that happens when you get that level of insight.
And I also found, Lauren, unless I've done the neurocycle, I don't get to that depth. That's the thing. The neurocycle is directing the neuroplasticity in such a way that you're tapping into that psychoneurobiological mind-brain-body network, that you're getting to the depths of, you're getting beyond just this conscious, getting stuck in the conscious mind, what you can see and feel and hear and touch now, which is great. But you need to add the layer of what this now here is being driven by something.
And what is that? And what needs to be fixed up? And that's, you know, the neuropsycho slowly takes.
And you didn't achieve this all in one day. I mean, you've kind of jumped ahead on your story, which is excellent. But it's great because people can see that this thing actually worked. But let's quickly come back to the fifth step.
And maybe then if you could just talk about the fifth step. Have you finished the fourth? Do you want to still say some more about the recheck? No.
Yes, let's go on. Let's go on to number five. And step five, active reach. So it's called the active reach because you are actively reaching toward a new reality, a healthy thought that has taken. And that is growing and is beginning to take the place.
And so the active reach met me in the everyday moments where I was triggered, you know? So whatever you work on for that day, you then carry into your everyday life. And I would say the active reach is like the little coach on my shoulder.
Remember what you're going for. Remember what you're going for. It's most effective when I was also using all of the other tools that, you know, you introduced us to strategically throughout the first 21 days.
So I was walking around doing a ton of think, feel, choose. And some days that choose would be really long, you know, and practicing three to one ratio all the time, trying to capture. the positive along with whatever negative was coming up. So the active reach was reaching me forward and watering the healthy thought. So let me tell you what the healthy thought was.
Yeah, go for it. This is something that sometimes feels confusing. When we get to day 21, it becomes a little bit more self-evident what your healthy thought is. And it would have been up. Funny lie if I had just done the opposite.
So my husband doesn't love me enough to follow through. I could have picked a healthy thought like my husband is amazing at following through and graded details. So no, that's not.
You would be conning yourself. Yes. Yes.
And he doesn't need to be. So what became self-evident was my husband loves me and we're a good team. So. It's pulling out what is the beauty here from what I see from all this work I've done. And watering that thought was so, so powerful that when you are able to faithfully do the active reaches, and I didn't do them perfectly.
I'm, you know, I'm a mom. Yeah, you're busy. There's a lot going on.
And it doesn't matter if you don't do it perfectly. Do it your best because it's still... working and it's working so beautifully. So by the time I got to day 63, this, these active reaches had so cemented my healthy thought. I could, I could see that going forward.
We hit some rough patches in life's road, you know, and so we had a miscarriage. And one of the first thoughts in my head was, My husband loves me and we're a good team. We then had an adoption fall through and one of my first thoughts was my husband loves me and we're a good team. We got placed with our son, our adopted son, only a couple weeks later and it was very complicated.
And my first thought was my husband loves me and we're a good team. All of these things that come up in life, it's so beautiful how The neuro cycle has given me this gift of, I didn't just neutralize. I didn't just neutralize a toxic thought, but instead I got to build something that impacts me daily throughout the rest of my life. And I try to practice that active reaches from the neuro cycle, even still every once in a while.
It is, it is amazing. It's so exciting. It's so exciting to get to see clients go through this process too.
It's so you, The way you explain how those active reaches came up in those times of challenge, how it's actually shifted your mind to be able to draw on those powerful things to carry you things that seemed unrelated, but it was related. It carried you through, which was, and that's, as you said, the beauty of having the active reach being, it's helping you to reach forward. But you said something very important here, it's the generalization that's happened.
So this is, once you start this process, once you start, because neuroplasticity is happening regardless. We're always changing life. Every day it's filled with experiences, and those experiences are processed by our mind into our brain and body, and that's neuroplasticity happening. What you're doing with the neurocycle is you're directing the neuroplasticity. So instead of it just happening in a chaotic direction, which it was happening prior to you resolving this with your husband, you were gathering more and more data to go neuroplastically in the wrong direction, and then this stopped that process, and through a daily plan and guided process, you shifted the neuroplasticity in the right direction.
It's a plastic paradox. We're going to go in either direction. Either you're directing it in the right one or it's going on in the wrong one.
It's not not happening. It's happening. And so you've taken control.
And because you shifted it into the wide full of nature of our mind, brain, body, the generalization was happening where you were able to then apply what you'd learned. But Lauren, you didn't stop there. You carried on doing, once you'd done one neurocycle, let's talk about the continuity of as you finish one, how to. aspects and I haven't forgotten about coming back to compare to sort of traditional types of healing but I want to talk about that you continued as a lifestyle working on a big issue but also the generalizability of these five steps in the moment.
So like maybe your kids freak out or this happens and you've got to get yourself back on track. So can you talk about First of all, let's talk about the continuity, how you continue it as a lifestyle. So you're always doing a neurocycle.
A lot of people think, oh, I did a neurocycle. I've done 63 days. It's done.
It's not done. Either there's more of that or there's something else. And then let's talk about how you use it quick and fast in the moments, in the day-to-day struggles.
Well, hmm. I am always doing a neuropsycho. I have it calendared to start tomorrow. My next one starts tomorrow. So you're not alone in the world of your toxic thoughts.
It is so empowering to see something that hurt you so long completely go away that I thought, how could I not honor myself? In the context of marriage, it is so clear to me that I have it. these next issues lined up that if I could heal that part of myself, then wow, I could see how beautifully I would be a non-triggered participant in my marriage. I could react better when these come up. And my husband neuropsychals as well.
Wonderful. It didn't take me very long. I hadn't even finished my first neurocycle before he really was like, this is changing you. And I want to be a part of this.
So not to discourage you, if you are in a place where your spouse is really uninterested, just keep doing your own work. It is okay. The health still produces more health than the other person, but there are so many instances.
where I work with a client and their health does that, inspires their spouse. And all of a sudden their spouse is ready to do a neuro cycle as well. It's happened so many times.
I love it. I love that. That's beautiful. So thinking in a neuro cycle mindset, one of the most amazing things that happens as you are going through the five steps daily is you become what we call is dynamically regulated. And the way I like to explain this is it's almost like the matrix where everything freezes.
And so, and you love that drops and you pull it apart. So let me give you, let me give you an example. So pre-neurosciences.
Okay. So I'm in the kitchen and I see that the trash hasn't been taken out yet and it's trash morning. And it's Monday morning, it's trash day.
My husband's been gone all weekend. Okay. So a pre-neuropsycho response might have been something like, do you really expect me to do everything around here?
Something, you know, cutting and food and not helpful, not helpful, right? So this is me with dynamic regulation, the five steps in action, right? So everything in the kitchen freezes. I notice myself, my shoulders are tense, my heart rate is rising.
The trash not being taken out on the curb I know is a dangerous scenario for me. It hits on multiple marriage triggers. I slowly stir my coffee and think, feel, choose.
Love it. I know that the quickest response is going to be the most toxic. Coach myself through, engage your wise mind.
Maybe I'll pull an active reach that I've done from my last neuro cycle or that I'm working on that day. You deserve a great marriage. Be a part of the solution.
That might be one of my active reaches. So I'm coaching myself. And then I'm asking, why is this triggering me?
What's really happening here? Okay. He was traveling for work this weekend. That's a dangerous scenario.
And we're remodeling. And I had to pick up some of the yard work and solo parent. Okay.
Okay. When he travels, I can feel taken advantage of, but wow, I feel so much shame for that. Then I'm going through this deeper process.
Why do I feel shame for that? I feel like I should be understanding. I should be fine. Oh, there's that next toxic thought I need to work on.
I'm realizing, okay, the old shame script, and I feel ashamed for how worn out I am, like I shouldn't be, but my warning signals are just telling me something. What are they telling me? They're telling me I'm tired. They're telling me I need a break. Okay.
This isn't about the trash. It's about me needing a break. Okay.
And let's think through. It is a little bit about the trash. I hate feeling in charge of everything.
We talked about this, but I need to give him a chance. Okay. I know it would really hurt my feelings after doing all the yard work.
He didn't take out the trash. Now I'm ready. Think, feel, choose. Now I can tell him, hey, babe, I'm exhausted.
I need a break from parenting responsibilities. Like, when can that happen today? And then I maybe need to take a deep breath again and tell myself, it's okay that you need a break.
This does not make you weak. Healthy people ask for what they need. That's another active rage.
So I'm pulling those up. I'm coaching myself. And I add, hey, you still have reminders on your phone to take out the trash, right? Because it would just be really helpful for me to know that it's on your mental load and off mine if you could do it the night before.
My husband then would undoubtedly facilitate me going to get a workout and maybe going to dinner alone with my book. And would gratefully say, thank you for telling me how you're feeling. And I'm happy to take out the trash. You know, connection, connection and disconnection.
And that is working through. That is what my mind, when I'm working through my five steps, is able to do. Beautiful.
And we call this intelligent, emotionally intelligent. Couples is what they've termed it. Really, this is couples who neuropsycho are emotionally intelligent. Yeah, you are because you're tuning into each other's needs and understanding your own and being able to operate in empathy.
And ask for what you need and get to the bottom line and share. And it's an opportunity to be vulnerable instead of when you're both defensive, there is no opportunity for that. No, it's going to lead to conflict. And then everyone feels stressed out and energy is drained. Whereas this, you feel energized versus...
energy vampires sucking the blood out of you. It shifts the whole relationship, doesn't it? I mean, it just shifts. And if this feels like, wow, that is so far from how we are operating, start a neuropsycho. This will become more natural.
It will become more obvious to you. It's also okay. And my husband and I give each other permission all the time.
Like, hey, I can see there's something wrong here. Go do a neuropsycho. I don't know what it is.
I will come back. Can I have 15 minutes? Cause I got to go right on my Medi-Cog, you know, or yes, my kids know, Hey, they know the term neuropsychal.
They know the term Medi-Cog, they know toxic thought and they're like, yeah, it's okay to ask for a break and go figure out what's bothering you. Do you need to go neuropsychal mom? You know, that's, look at the life skills you've taught your kids and look at how you've transformed. And, you know, I have to say to everyone listening, this is two years ago that But Lauren did the training with me and she spoke about this, where she was in her marriage at the conference. I mean, at the training, she actually volunteered.
We were looking and she came up and sat there in front of a group of people she didn't know that were in a training and volunteered to work through her issue. And if I listen to you now and if I listen back to then, there was so much pain and hurt and frustration and literally on the verge of, do I even want to stay with this man? And now look where you've grown two years later.
I mean, this is just unreal. And I'm almost tempted to go find that little clip of the recording. And we should pop that in because even the way you look and, you know, your eyes and your voice and be great for you to also go listen to that.
But the growth that's happened. So I just want to emphasize with people, this is two years later. It doesn't mean that you're not going to experience change immediately.
Lauren already said day four, there was a change. So each day as you near a cycle, you will change and you will experience that change. But it's cumulative over time to eventually get to the level of quality that Lauren is describing, almost idyllic relationship.
There are issues, but they catch them fast where they've modeled for each other, where they've modeled for the children, where they've created it as a lifestyle. And this is what we've done in our family as well. I mean, my family had no option. I'm doing this kind of way immersed in it.
But we see this so often. I'm sure you've seen this with your clients. And I saw this when I practiced for so many years. This is what we saw happening and why it's so important for us to manage our minds as a lifestyle, that dynamic regulation, the active and dynamic regulation that you referenced earlier. Lauren, let's quickly talk for a moment about how you did go for traditional counseling.
I know you've got a little bit of a background in these types of things. We're not knocking any form of therapy here. Please, every kind of therapy is important. Every person is unique.
There's so many different ways that you can get help. And this neurocycle does not replace anything. What it does is it makes it work more effectively.
So the neurocycle is a system within which you can put in whatever you do. So if you are in therapy, the neurocycle is going to actually help you get more out of therapy because you're going to know what you need. And therefore, when you go to the therapist or the counselor or the coach, you're going to be very...
equipped to explain this is what I think I need or can you help me see this differently and that kind of thing. So we're not saying that that's what's happening, that we're not overriding other forms of therapy. But there is something you touched on right at the beginning, which is why I wanted to circle back to this.
And it was that you've been for the counselling and that kind of thing, but something different happened with the neurocycle. So let's talk a little bit more about what is about the neurocycle in comparison to just doing traditional kind of therapies on their own. What does this add? What's the extra layer that this is adding? Now I can explain it, but I'd love you to explain it and talk about it from your experience.
Does that question make sense? Yes. Yes. It makes sense. I ponder it all the time.
And I... I love that in the neuro cycle, you are held accountable to a lot. You are sitting down with yourself daily. So the progress that you make is so much faster than a weekly conversation where you may or may not do your homework. And so that piece alone is so, so, so helpful.
But it is so interesting. We are the only experts on. us. And I felt, even personally going through it, so comforted knowing that I didn't have to explain how everything internalized inside of me to someone else so they could get to the next best question, to ask me to help me with the next best epiphany. I got to do that for myself.
Wow, that's beautiful. It feels so empowering and honoring. And it gives you the sense of agency that you can heal, you can do this, and it's not dependent on someone else.
Now, it is so helpful to have support. We were not meant to live life alone. No.
We are better in relationships. And so, wow, I have seen the beauty of working with a facilitator and having them help draw out some. more of those themes that maybe you're not looking at that are clearly on your paper that you're not seeing and, you know, be that emotional support and help guide you through.
I've also seen the beauty of, of many of my past clients have then gone on to, okay, I'm going to hit one thing in therapy now. Now I know that I need a specific help with this and they have reported back to me. Oh, my therapist was.
incredibly impressed with how well I knew my origin story and how much I, and so we got far fast and it was such a benefit for them at that point. But it is a different process when you do it for yourself and you are able to ask yourself these questions. Yeah. Does that answer your question? Totally.
And the key thing is that, you know, you can, you'll see a therapist or coach or counselor maybe weekly, or maybe you'll go through a burst of like a, bunch of therapy together because something big's happened and then it's but you live with yourself 24 7 you don't live with your therapist coach or counselor you've got to deal with that marriage those kids your work whatever it is that you're doing in your life you living with yourself you wake up with yourself at three in the morning having a panic attack or can't fall asleep at night because you're anxious or you're driving the car somewhere and so to know how to manage your mind in those moments to know how to be able to self-regulate and get on a stage and Like me, I talk in front of thousands of people and something happens and I've got to be able to get myself back and be able to get on the stage and talk or something like that. That's what the neuro cycle is also doing. It's helping you to keep yourself actively and dynamically self-regulated so that you can do whatever it is.
And then the key thing that you've said over there is you're doing it yourself. And that's the thing. We can walk the path of someone.
We can help someone. We can guide them. We can facilitate.
We need to do that. Like you said, community, we all know that loneliness. that doesn't work as humans but at the end of the day only you can make the choice that's always emphasized the think feel choose and for those of you that are have noticed lauren saying think feel choose think for choose it's a little exercise you can do where it's just so powerful where you go you're breathing in for three and out for seven but you're saying think feel with in the count in of three and then choose is a count of seven and it's those words with the counting and the oxygen does something incredible in terms of calming your and helping you to refocus and just choose not be reactive and that kind of thing.
So it's those little techniques that you can use within that help you. But I think one of the other key things, and I'm going to quickly set the scenario and then ask you the question around this, that is that if you think of a plane that's flying, I often explain it like this, and we've got to prepare the plane and you've got to get all the things they do to prepare a plane, the gas and check everything. And that's like in the neuropsycho, there's a little section where you do a little bit of brain prep.
So that's equivalent to that. Then you've got to take off. That's gathering awareness.
It's taking off. It's gathering awareness of your emotions, behaviors, your body sensations, perspectives. It's taking off. And then you've got to fly.
And that's your thinking. I mean, that's the reflect, the writing, and the recheck. And then you've got to do an action. You've got to land the plane. And so the cycle goes through.
And what happens with a lot of the beautiful techniques that are out there that are so also useful that I encourage people to put into the neuro cycle is that they take off or they prepare. And they don't do anything else. So they're prepared and they're very well prepared, meditation, whatever. But then they skip all the way to the active reach and they get an affirmation or a great statement.
So they've done some meditation or some great breathing. And then they karma and they get a statement and they hang that on. And it gets them through the day, but it doesn't resolve the problem. So you've got to also do the stuff in between.
So you can't just go from preparation to active reach. Some people are also pretty good at preparing and taking off. giving themselves permission because there's so much encodement in social media and everything to take off and to dive in and and but people don't always do that the hard work of reflecting writing and rechecking those are really hard and that's what i from my research and and i've said said a lot but i'd love from your own personal experience and your experience with your clients do you see that that the middle the preparation they get even the other awareness they get once they And the active reach makes sense, but that middle part, that's probably the hardest that people have to wrestle with.
Because they just want to give you the meditation, give you the active reach, but that stuff in between. And that's the key that creates that transformation from being unempowered to being empowered. I've said a lot. Would you like to just pick up on that?
Yes. That's for your life clients. That's the key to the lasting change.
So, you know, I think even especially in couples counseling where you're both kind of stating your experience and the therapist may be trying to help you translate or helping you get a tool that does have a place and that is helpful. But that is often not getting to the heart of the matter. What is inside of me?
that is so hurt by this experience? What is the, you know, doing those steps so I can take off and I can really examine, okay, wow, there is something more there. You know, there were wounds from other people and there were pain points that I learned to think a certain way.
And that's why my husband is hurting me in this scenario. That's why. His actions are hurting. And if I heal that, then I actually don't need the tools to fight better because we'll be fighting less.
And it gets to the heart of the matter. And, you know, same with my spouse. And he has really, really experienced that and had some really hard things that he had held on to and didn't know how to let go of that now he's processed through.
So. effectively that we don't need, we don't need the, the fighting techniques. I mean, we do, we fight, of course, but it's less, it's more regulated.
You bring it back quicker. It's like all of us are going to have the arguments because that's life happens and we get, you know, we get day-to-day stuff is challenging and we kind of just, okay, we just, it's okay not to be okay. And in not to be okay moments, things will happen. But the difference is, and I find that as well with my husband and with just life is I get back quicker. So you may fall off the horse, but you get back on so quickly because he says, oh, my gosh, I actually spoke with kind of an irritated voice.
And that wasn't very nice because, you know, I didn't need that. And then maybe 30 minutes later and then I'll call back because I'm out somewhere. You know, I'm sorry.
I actually used a really bad tone and that was so totally unnecessary. That's what the neuropsycho has done for me. I'm constantly aware. And that's what I'm hearing you say as well. Okay, Lauren.
We need a part two, three, four, five, six. And there's so many, you just, you've been amazing. This has been fantastic.
I want to just end with, for those of you that are listening, I know that you are definitely going to want Lauren back because this has been wonderful. And Lauren, I'd love to have you back because there's so many things we actually had planned to cover, which we haven't. But I'd love to just touch in two minutes. I'd love to just touch on some of the highlight points across the hero's journey, the 63 day journey, which is the length of time it takes to form a habit.
And it's, some things you need multiple cycles, especially when it's trauma and abuse. But 63 is your basic format of the first 21 days being deconstructing and reconstructing and the second one practicing and stabilizing. So in terms of that journey, you already mentioned day four, there was a major difference. And did you notice along the way any other sort of, let that just jump, you don't have to think of all of them now because we'll come back to this.
But what are some other things, you know, go back to the day four, remind us what you found in day four and then are there any other trigger points or milestones? not trigger points, milestones on the journey from one to 63 that kind of pop out in your mind on your personal journey and that you potentially seen with your clients as well. You know, it was such an emotional neuropsycho for me that I want to encourage you.
If I, looking back, I did, I did absolutely have these markers of growth. that we're looking for. Had I been working with a facilitator, they would have been able to say, oh yeah, you're doing exactly what you should be doing right here, even if you are still feeling a lot of emotion and pain. And so that's normal, especially with such a dominant toxic thought.
But on day 21, I remember feeling like, wow, I actually don't know if I emotionally feel that different. I'm still experiencing all these triggers. And yet, yes. My healthy thought was so clear to me.
I remember thinking when I sat down to write, I don't know what this will be and popped right out on the page as it does sometimes. You know, my husband loves me and we're a good team. Okay, wow, I will work on that. There was a lot for me to process. And so I think really, I experienced a really dramatic shift at day.
About week eight, all of a sudden my mind is opened to different toxic thoughts that are actually the problem that I'm putting aside for my next neuro cycles. And I am able to experience a profound sense of peace so yeah that's interesting i'll have to look back day four you mentioned as well there was that immediate shift on day four what was that shift again just remind the listeners that was when my mind could breathe and i stopped having nightmares there we go so there's those things and we see this it's incredible so often on day four then we also see around day seven day 14 kind of goes every seven days 21 can also be a danger zone. I don't know if you've noticed that with some of your clients and as you've done certain types of things, because it's different for every toxic thought you work on. Some tend to take a lot more work, the bigger stuff, and the progress is there. But like you said, it was still hard at day 21. Some people, they really feel, wow, I've got it.
I don't need to do any more. And then they stop and then they revert back. So that's a big one. 36 to 42 is a big one in terms of tremendous insight at day 35, 36, where you start seeing the scope.
And it can actually make you almost feel a little bit sad, depending on what you're dealing with, because you see what you've missed out and what could have been. And then there's a bit of a dip that follows that. And then there's this peak around 53 where you get, wow, I'm actually in the right.
This has worked. You know, that's a very common thing around day 53, week eight is this has worked. This is like this actually didn't really believe it in the beginning, was a little skeptical. And you get less and less skeptical as you go along because you see the change. But day 53 is definitely around that week is definitely where people think, wow, I'm going to do another one.
This is really doing something for me. There is a massive shift. And the more neuro cycles I do, the more predictable I see these moments. So then that's amazing. As I go.
So I fully predict to have a, as I'm starting another neuro cycle tomorrow, I fully predict that I will feel. some hope and maybe even a false sense of security at day 14 and I will feel pretty awesome at day 21. And so even if these markers feel like, oh, these aren't working for me or these aren't true of my experience, hold on, let yourself finish your whole neurocycle, go back and look and see if perhaps they are more true than you felt and know that subsequent neurocycles that you do, it will become more and more true as you heal. more and more of your messy mind.
Beautiful. That's amazing. Lauren, thank you. We will, as I said, we will have you back to discuss more. There's so many other things we can dive into because you work with lots of different clients and there's lots of different issues and there's certain aspects we've discussed today.
We'd love you to go deeper on. But where can people, we know they can find you inside of the app. You can go in and you can look for the Neurocycle facilitators and find Lauren.
You can also find on our neurocycle.app webpage, the Neurocycle Institute webpage. So we'll put the link in the details where you can find Lauren. But Lauren, tell them a little bit more about where else they could find you directly and how you work with people. Wonderful. So Lauren Carreras is my Instagram handle and you can message me there.
L-A-U-R-E-N-C-A-R-R-E-R-A-S, Lauren Carreras. And I am at donewithstuck.com. We'll put those details in the show notes.
And generally you work for 10 sessions with people. Yes. Yes.
But if you're feeling hesitant about that, we are going to be in a position to, you know, do some starter packages and help you get going. It's worth the investment in yourself. It is so life-changing.
And, you know, I had a friend, tragically, I lost a friend this week and it just reminded me how, how, thank you, how, how short life is and how. We don't need to wait to heal. It is scary.
So do it with someone if you're scared, you know, but don't wait. There's so much healing and joy on the other side, as you can see for your life, for your marriage, for your kids, all of it. So don't wait.
No, that's a really good point. Thank you for that. And yes, there's all kinds of packages that you can do. Sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry to hear that. And so if people want to get hold of you, they know where to do it. Lauren, thanks for joining me today.
And I really look forward to chatting again. Thank you.