Understanding Boundaries in Trauma Recovery

Last week we started a new series on boundaries and hopefully it gave you an understanding of what they are. Today I want to take you a little bit further, but just to recap, boundaries, we talked about internal boundaries, that's the rules I have for myself. External boundaries are how close I let people into my life. Those are there, healthy boundaries are there for the purpose of helping me get healthy and protecting me from different things. What I want to look at today is how complex trauma greatly affects people's boundaries, understanding how they use boundaries, difficulties in setting healthy boundaries. So for a person coming out of a fairly healthy home, boundaries they quickly get and they've lived with healthy boundaries. But for people coming out of complex trauma, There's a whole new level that you need to understand as to how difficult boundaries can be. And I hope you saw last week that if you don't get healthy boundaries, you don't get healthy, but you don't make it in recovery. So I want you to understand how complex trauma affects boundaries, how it messes people up when it comes to having boundaries in their life today. I think the first thing that is important to understand is that complex trauma is all about unhealthy boundaries. People in complex trauma have lots of boundaries. They might not be aware that they have those boundaries, but they have them. They're just not healthy. So let me give you an idea of how that works. What we've seen in the past is that for complex trauma families, which are also referred to as dysfunctional families, The idea is it's families that are in pain. They create pain, and also they're not able to resolve the pain that's been created. And so people have to find ways of coping with this unresolved pain. And that sets up all kinds of coping strategies that seem to work, that take away the pain, but actually are making things worse. So those strategies of dealing with unresolved pain are actually... rules or boundaries that they live by. So for example, boundary number one or rule number one is if the authority figure of the home is the one causing the pain and not resolving it, then to lessen pain or not have as much pain, do whatever the authority wants. Never challenge them, never annoy them, let them have their way, and that will take away some pain. Now the point is it takes it away in the... immediate circumstances, but it doesn't resolve it. It just piles it up for later in life. A second rule is never show emotions that the authority figure finds annoying. Because if you show those emotions, then they're going to get mad at you and punish you, and that will increase your pain. Third, don't talk about your problems. Don't talk about your needs. Don't talk about what's wrong with the family. and the issues that the family needs to face. Because if you do, you're going to get punished and hurt. So that's just three very simple, basic boundaries that exist within a complex trauma family. So they seem to work, but something's happening that is very harmful. First of all, the needs of the people in the family aren't being met. And because of all of this unresolved pain and how it's being... dealt with. There's things happening inside of the child and the people in the family that are creating greater and greater negative emotions. They have more shame, more guilt, more anger, even depression and anxiety. It's building inside. And so all of that, they don't have a solution for. It's unresolved. And so you get this growing, accumulating amount of pain that is happening in each. family member, and it will come out later in life and not in a good way. So let me give you some general approaches that complex trauma families take to boundaries. And some of you will relate to one extreme or another or a blend of them. But the first is complex trauma families can have tons and tons of rules. It's like the authority figure is a military general and there's a rule for everything. Or you can have no rules. Just do whatever you want, just don't bug me. Or you have rules that are very unreasonable, rules that are rigid, there's no bend, there's no compromise, it's my way or the highway. And then when it comes to enforcing rules, you can have very strict enforcement of rules, or very lenient, or very inconsistent. Sometimes the rules are enforced, sometimes the consequences are enforced, sometimes they're not. It really depends on the mood of the authority figure on that day. And so that inconsistency is there. But more than that, you can have mom enforce rules one way and dad enforce them another way so that children learn how to play mom and dad. But there's an inconsistency there in the two authority figures and how they enforce the rules. The next thing is, children begin to realize These rules that dad or mom are enforcing or making, they're not really about what's best for me. It's about what makes their life easier, what's best for them. So dad doesn't want people talking at all over supper because he wants to watch the news. And so it's silence, silence. Dad doesn't want anybody playing in the house because it's too much noise. And you realize, okay, rules aren't about what... My benefit is it's all about them and that creates a lot of pain but more than that the child begins to think rules are there to restrict my fun. Rules are there to make life less enjoyable. Rules aren't about what's best for me therefore happiness is found in breaking rules in stepping outside of what the restrictions are. And so many of you can relate if you see a sign today that says wet cement don't touch. A big part of you just says I want to touch the cement. And that comes out of the complex trauma. There's the allure of the forbidden. Anything forbidden you go I think that would give me a lot of pleasure. And that comes out of rules being not for your benefit in the past but only for the authority figure's benefit. Next thing is children begin to realize there's two sets of rules in the house. There's a double standard. There's a set of rules for the kids or some of the kids. And then dad has a different set of rules or mom has a different set of rules or one child gets away with more stuff and there's a different set of rules for them. And so you begin to live with rules that are different for everybody and that can cause a lot of pain, but a lot of anger as well. Next one. how the rules were enforced. So, violation of rules or violation of boundaries needs to have built-in consequences. That's the design. So that when a child steps into telling a lie or in doing stuff that's hurtful to others, there needs to be a consequence so they learn quickly that that behavior is not healthy and it will ruin you and your relationships if you don't change that. So the pain of the consequences is to be appropriate to the crime, and then it's to motivate the child to live a healthy life. So it's to be fair, it's to be what's best for the child, it's always around a moral issue that is violated, that there's a negative consequence. Within complex trauma families, it's not always like that. In fact, it's seldom like that in some families. So what they find is, Fear is the way to motivate the children to live inside mom and dad's rules, what mom and dad want. So if a child comes home and they've been drinking for the first time, mom and dad might use fear and instead of saying, you're playing with fire or what's going on with you, is this just an innocent experimental thing and explore it. They go, you're going to end up an addict. I'm going to take you downtown, and I'm going to let you see people living on the street as a rubby so that you see where you're headed. And it's over the top, an exaggerated horror show trying to scare them straight. The problem with that is it might work for a little while, but over time, the children begin to realize that this is just an exaggerated horror show, and it actually begins to turn them off. The next thing that some families do to try and motivate their children to live by the rules is if they step outside of the rules, they get shamed, they get put down, they get made fun of, they get called names, they get told they're a failure, a loser, they'll never amount to anything. And parents hope that the pain of the shame will make them want to change their behavior. Initially, that might work. But over time, if they continue to get shamed, even when they're trying to change, they will eventually not do it anymore. It will no longer work for them. Some parents, when a child does something wrong in their mind, they subject the child to a long rant. And they can go on for 15 minutes, 20 minutes, a half hour, an hour, going, preaching a sermon to the child on why they shouldn't do what they're doing, how it's making the family look bad, and all kinds of different things that the child is subjected to. It's really not about what's best for the child. It's the parent venting their behavior, badgering the child, trying to manipulate them to change, but the child begins to tune them out. And after a while, as soon as mom or dad start their rant, Their eyes glaze over and it just hardens their heart even more. Creates a rebellion and a defiance that goes deeper and deeper each time. Some families, the punishment doesn't fit the crime. So a kid is five minutes late on a curfew for the very first time and they get grounded for a month. Or the punishment... goes on and on and on. So the design of a healthy consequence is a punishment that is designed to be fair and bring the child back in, and once it's resolved, everything is restored. In complex trauma and unhealthy families, the parent might want to punish you. Until the parent feels you've learned your lesson. So they might give you the silent treatment. They might withhold love from you because in their mind you deserve it. And they're going to make you stay in that doghouse for quite a while. And it does not fit the crime. It isn't concerned with what's best for the child. So those are some of the things that... complex trauma families do. Another characteristic of complex trauma families when it comes to boundaries is, is a lot of boundaries are set when the parent is angry. So they're reactive rules. So a child or the family has a great big fight and there's all kinds of fighting amongst the siblings, etc. And so dad is angry and he might say, okay, from now on we're going to have supper together every night. In his mind, the reason the family's fighting is because they're not eating supper together. And so now the rule, everybody has to be here every night. Or a child is late, like I just said, and they get grounded for a month. Again, what I've seen over the years with that kind of reactive rule setting or boundary setting is it might be in force for a week or so, but then it just gradually drifts back to the way it was. It wasn't a thought-out boundary. It wasn't something that was carefully weighed out as to whether it was fair, whether they could continue to enforce it over time. It was just a reaction. And what can happen with children who have lots of that kind of stuff is after a while, when a reactive boundary is set, they go, oh well. In a couple weeks, they'll just be back, so it's not a big deal, and it means nothing to them. Another thing that can happen is no doesn't mean no. So saying no to somebody is setting a boundary. But what can happen in a complex trauma family is a child can put a sign on their door and saying, this is my room, please keep out. This is my journal, my diary, please don't read it. And to the parents, they don't respect that. They just barge in. ever they want. They never ask permission. They step over the child's no. So a no doesn't mean no. And that for many people can really do a lot of damage because the child realizes that they are not respected and they realize that they are never allowed to set boundaries with their parents. And if they try to set a boundary with a parent, They're made to feel guilty that they've done something wrong. So the unspoken rule of those families is you can set boundaries with everybody else, but never with your parents. So that does a lot of damage. So let me give you another example that where I kind of take your past and put it into your parenting today. It is very important for parents today, when you say no to a child and you set a boundary, that you mean it. So if you say to a child that you have to put your shoes in the closet, and to you that's important, or you have to treat your sister better, and you can't be punching her all the time, and that to you is a very important moral thing, which it should be, and you say no more, and if you do it, here's the consequence. So now the thing is, what will happen the next time the child does that? Will your no mean no? What I have seen happen in many families is the parents would say to a kid wrestling with his sister and punching her and she's crying, they would say, I told you not to do it and the child keeps doing it. And then they raise their voice. I said, don't do it. The child keeps doing it. And then they say, I'm going to count to 10 and the child keeps doing it. And the child doesn't stop at one or two or three. They know that when mom or dad gets to nine, they're going to go. nine and a quarter, nine and a half, nine and three quarters, and then the child stops. So what you're training your child to do in those instances is that your no doesn't mean no. And they figure out when you finally mean no. And that sets up some very... unhealthy dynamics that could cause a lot of danger in that child's life. If they were in a big thing and big dangerous situation and you said, no, don't do that. And they, your no never didn't mean no to them. They could go ahead and do it and get hurt badly. So learning or training your children that no means no or first time obedience is a very important thing, but make sure the boundaries are fair. Make sure the consequences are reasonable. and make sure you're prepared to enforce it. What can happen in some families if a child refuses to live by certain boundaries that they know aren't fair, that they know are a double standard, is that the parents then will do everything in their power to coerce that child to follow the rules of the family, even though the rules might be bad. They will use shame. They will use guilt trips. They will push. punish them. They will make the child the problem child. Whereas the child might actually be trying to be healthy, they are made to feel like the scapegoat. And so those pressures are brought against the child to try to force them to change. The parents might even recruit other relatives and friends to go and talk to the child because of that. Another thing is children become afraid to say no. So if they say no and then it's stepped over or they get punished or they're always put down, they might become a people pleaser. And they are afraid that everybody will reject them like mom and dad do. And so they say yes to everybody because they don't want anybody mad at them and they're afraid if they set a boundary people will be mad at them. And that sets them up to Let other people use them, take advantage of them, because they're afraid to say no. And then, for many children who aren't allowed to set boundaries, the only way they can get some space or create a boundary is through anger or isolation. So they just move away from everybody and hide out in their room, or they explode and scare everybody off. Those are the only tools they have. to try to create a safe bubble for themselves. Another thing that can happen is that children in complex trauma, often the only way they can set a boundary outside of anger and isolation If they try to set a boundary, they have to close their heart. They have to be mad at that person. They have to hate that person. They have to want nothing to do with that person. So the only way they have the strength to enforce a boundary is to close their heart to a person. As soon as they open their heart a bit, then they let everybody do whatever they want again. And so they find that as their only solution. Then they have another issue that comes up. And so what I'm hoping you're seeing is there's lots of issues that come out of complex trauma around this boundary thing that makes it very, very difficult for people to get healthy today. But what happens when you get into a relationship? A lot of people coming out of complex trauma, what they have found in their families is that everybody's into everybody's business, so they're very enmeshed, or everybody's totally isolated, nobody talks to each other. And so part, if you've been in enmeshed relationships within your family, and now as an adult, you get into a relationship with somebody, the fear can be, if I let you into my life, now I'm responsible to make you happy all the time. I'm responsible for your emotions. I'm responsible to fix your anger when you explode. I have to fix it when you're sad. And so you think a relationship means I have to become a parent to this other person. Or if I'm in a relationship with you, I can never say no to you. I have to do whatever you want. I have to serve you and really become a slave to you. Or if I get in a relationship with you. I have to know and read and anticipate every need that you might have. I have to be a mind reader. I have to be able to see all of your cues so I know what you're wanting without you having to ask. So now I have to develop superpowers to read and know your needs and wants if I am going to have a relationship with you. What that means for people is if I get in a relationship with you, I will lose me. Because my life now will be understanding your emotions, not mine. Understanding your needs, not mine. Understanding your thinking, not mine. So I don't know where I end and you begin anymore. I lose me in you. And then some people even think that if you get into a committed romantic relationship that the other person totally owns you. You lose any say, any will. You can't stand up for yourself. You can't express needs. They own you. And that usually leads to great abuse, all because of bad boundaries. One other thing that enmeshed families do is, deep down they know there's not a lot of healthy intimacy in the family, so they say, we're close because we do lots of stuff together. We never talk at a deep level, but because we have fun constantly together, that proves that we are a very healthy, close family. And so the fear is that now if I get in a relationship with somebody, I can never have my own time or my own space, that we have to do everything together in order to be close. And so all of those things can be very confusing for people. So if you grew up in some of that, and now you're coming into recovery, and you're realizing, wow, there's a whole bunch of stuff there that's totally unhealthy, I need to start setting healthy boundaries where I stand up for myself, where I express my needs, where I have space to do my own thing and do self-care. If you start doing that, people in your family are going to feel that you're saying they're bad. And they're going to oppose or give you a hard time. And you could end... up with a lot of opposition and they're going to possibly even try to get you to go back to the way things used to be so that you live by their rules again. So learning to set boundaries in recovery is essential, but it creates resistance and opposition from others, often from those closest to you. So be prepared for that and realize I need you. not just to set boundaries. I need to figure out how to enforce those boundaries. And that's what we're going to look at next time. As we come into recovery, one of the first boundaries that people learn is I can't hang around with people that are still using. because that'll drag me down. Or if I'm in a relationship and my kid is using or my partner relapses, I have to somehow figure out how to handle them because I can't just say, no big deal, do whatever you want, because that will destroy our relationship and it could drag me back down. So you, early in recovery, have to figure out what do you do when people are living in ways that aren't healthy. and you're in a relationship with them, how do you handle that so that you don't get severely damaged yourself? So when we come to the Christian part, that's actually one of the very clear teachings that Jesus talks about in the Bible. And I think once you begin to see it, you're going to go, wow, this ties in so beautifully with what we do in recovery. So it's found in Matthew 18, and it says this. If another believer or somebody on the same path or trying to go in the same direction or in a relationship with you, kind of in your extended family or surrogate family, if they sin against you, and that just means they do something... unhealthy, that violates love, that hurts you and hurts the relationship. So what it's assuming is this isn't just an acquaintance or a very casual friend. It's somebody that you have been in a closer relationship with and now something's happened where they've hurt you, done something that is a moral violation. They've lied to you, they've disrespected you in a big way. All of those things. They violated your trust. How do we respond? Now for a lot of people in recovery, they would say, I'm not even going to try to work that out. You do that to me, you're out of my life. But what we want to learn in recovery is healthier relationships. And the question becomes, should I try to resolve that issue with the person? And what happens if I can't resolve that issue with the person? What then do I do? And that's what Jesus is going to talk about, and it's all about boundaries. So he says, you do a three-step process. So number one, go privately to the person and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you've won that person back. You've healed the relationship, you've restored it, and you've actually grown in the relationship because of it. You might have to rebuild some trust, but it's been a very positive thing. So let me... Note there, it says go privately. Don't broadcast it all over Facebook about what the person did to hurt you. Don't go behind their back and gossip to everybody about it. If you really care for that person and there's a closeness in that relationship, you go and talk to them privately and try to restore it without anybody else even know what's going on. But what happens if they don't respond to that? You go to part two. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two other people with you and go back again so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. So a couple things there that I want you to see. Some people in unhealthy relationships, they want to get their own way and their partner's not going along with their agenda. So they recruit two or three people to put pressure on them to do something that the other person wants. But what I want you to understand is they're putting pressure on that person to do something unhealthy. So that's the wrong type of what we call triangulation. What we're talking about here is we're getting people who will support us and care about this person who's living unhealthy, and we want to put some pressure on them to begin to be healthy again. Very big difference. So you take those people and you go and you talk to them. Another piece with that is they can act as witnesses. So if the person you're confronting later goes to everybody and say, this person said this to me and did this, those two or three people can step up and say, no, that's not what happened. We were there. And they can prevent a lot of distortions from happening from the parties involved. But what happens when that person still doesn't respond to two or three people? You go to part three. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. And that is to your surrogate family, to your people who are on the same path as you. So tell others about it. And if he or she won't accept the church's decision, treat that person like a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. So this has often been misunderstood. So let me explain it. And I think... You'll see the wisdom of it. It's often misunderstood and presented in very much a shunning, an excommunication, a very severe thing. And I want you just to get the big picture of what's going on. So first of all, Jesus is not saying, appoint yourself the moral police to stick your nose into everybody's business and to tell everybody if they're wrong or not and to always create drama by confronting people. He's not talking about doing that. That is very unhealthy. He's talking about your close relationships and managing those relationships. What then, or what he isn't saying as well is, don't just have certain failures or things that you go and confront people about, but you do all kinds of other hurtful things yourself. So you might gossip, but you don't ever see that as being a big deal. But if somebody was to post something on Facebook about you, you would be in their face. But if that person went home and overate and abused, somebody else in their life, you wouldn't even care. You just focus on certain things. And we all are in danger of ranking certain things as worse than others and treating people severely in the things we think are bad and ignoring a lot of other things. We need to have a consistency when we evaluate our relationships about the things that violate love. So what is he saying? He is saying love has boundaries. Relationships to be healthy need boundaries. And some of the boundaries are about when somebody in the relationship steps outside of unhealthy and they begin to do things that are hurtful to the other person, to themselves, to the relationship. They lie, they cheat, they steal, all of those different things. What Jesus is saying is love initially will fight to restore the relationship. It values the importance of good relationships. It values the importance of close, deeper intimacy with friendships. And so it is willing to fight, but it does have a limit. It will set a boundary if the other person becomes abusive or isn't committed to grow and isn't committed to own their stuff and deal with their stuff and be willing to change. from unhealthy to healthy, then I need to put greater and greater distance between myself and them. That is what Jesus is saying. And so he is saying, before you cut a person out of your life or before you put a severe boundary, make sure the person is not willing to change. Make sure you've done everything possible in a healthy way to help them see what they're doing and the damage that it's doing. So he is giving us a guideline. Relationships are only healthy if both parties are committed to grow, if both parties are committed to own their stuff when they fail and to change. If you have one person in the relationship who's not willing to do that, who hardens their heart and says, I'm not going to look at myself, I'm not going to change anything, rather I'm going to distort every conflict and argument and somehow make it the other person's fault, how do I know that that person has hardened their heart? How do I know that they're refusing to change? And that's why you do this three-step process. It gives you the tools or the parameters to evaluate whether somebody has hardened their heart and committed to change. If you discover they haven't or they have hardened their heart. and they're not willing to change, then you say, I can't be in a close relationship with you anymore because it's hurting me. It could drag me down, and it's going to hurt the children or whoever else. So I need to set a boundary that puts greater distance between me and you to protect me, the children, and my own recovery. That's what it's about. And so Jesus is saying that love of a person has a tough side. So loving somebody doesn't mean you never say no to them. Loving somebody doesn't mean you never make hard decisions that push them away from you. It might feel cruel. It might feel unloving to say, I can't be seeing you now. You're too toxic. That doesn't feel loving, but it actually is because it's forcing them to say, if you keep living the way you're living, here's one of the consequences. You can no longer have me in your life and the benefits of that relationship. Hopefully that might make them do some thinking about their behavior that they never would have thought about if you just kept allowing them to use you and abuse you. So love has a tough side. Now let me just fill in a few other things that Jesus is talking about. In this section of the book of Matthew, Jesus is talking about being a humble person. What is humility? And what is significant is what Jesus is saying here is humble people stand up for themselves. To be humble doesn't mean you're a doormat and let everybody use you and abuse you. He's saying no, humility respects itself. It doesn't see itself as better than everybody. it sees itself equal, and therefore it will stand up to people that are trying to put them down and walk all over them. So being humble has a self-respect element that is willing to stand up for itself when it is being treated in an unloving way. The next thing that Jesus is talking about in this is the willingness of love to pursue a person when they're straying. when they're moving and unhealthy. So they will pursue them. They will try to work it out. They will try to confront the person and hopefully help them see what they're doing and the damage it's doing. They're doing it out of a love for the person and a desire to restore everything to healthy. It's not done out of a self-serving thing. It's done because it wants the best for the relationship and for the other person. I find it very instructive to see how did God carry out these guidelines of the three-step process and how did Jesus carry it out. So if you go back to the book of Judges in the Old Testament, one of the early books, what you find there is Israel started moving more and more into unhealthy behavior. They drifted away from God. Every time they did, God let them experience negative consequences, pain. That pain initially drove them back to God and they were sorry and they realigned with God, restored the relationship, but then they would start drifting again. After a while, they drifted and never came back and God allowed them to go into worse and worse negative consequences and it became a very painful existence for them. What I want you to understand is that took place over hundreds and hundreds of years. And as long as God saw that they were facing things and kept coming back, He would restore them. He would restore them. He didn't implement the severe consequence until the milder pain no longer brought them back to Him, but they just kept rebelling. Then He went to the more severe. So the point is... We don't just say, okay, I gave you three chances, you're gone. You might give them a chance and then they come back, and then they fall away, but then they come back. You don't go to the severe one until they just stay out there and never come back. That's further explained by Jesus'example with the 12 followers that he had. Those 12 men were very unhealthy. They argued all the time about who was the greatest, who Jesus loved the most, who Jesus would appoint to the highest position in his kingdom when he set it up. Jesus confronted them about that, and then a little while later they would do it all over again. Jesus didn't say, okay, I'm done with you, you're fired, you're out of my life, after three times. What he saw is though they kept falling into who's the greatest arguments, they were growing in other areas. They were becoming more and more healthy in other areas. That one area they were struggling with more than others. So the point is this, we're all in relationships with people. And people are in relationships with us, and nobody's perfect. We all have our issues. So the goal is not to say, be perfect or you're out of my life. The goal is, we both are working on our stuff. Not perfectly, and we're not going to get it all figured out. But if I see growth in you, I will tolerate a certain amount of messiness. But there will be some things that if you're not changing over time, that are going to be deal breakers. And I will have to end this relationship if it gets severe enough. So Jesus didn't rush to enforce the negative consequences. He went to grace, but he was looking for growth in all kinds of areas. And that is what we need to do. So I hope this helps you understand. that what we're doing in this whole process of figuring out boundaries with people who are being hurtful is are they willing to change and own their stuff or have they hardened their heart because if they have then i'm going to need a severe boundary if they're willing to change and they are changing in other areas of their life then i'm going to be a little more patient with the process with them because relationships are important and I'm not perfect and I want everybody growing in their life just as much as I want to grow in my life. I hope it helps you realize we need boundaries. They're part of recovery. They're part of life and getting healthy. Let's pray. Father, thank you for this clear teaching and it just connects so well with what people learn in recovery and reinforces and gives us a bigger picture. on all of this boundary stuff. And I just pray as we have this journey together of understanding boundaries, figuring out boundaries that we need and the relationships that we have, that you would just guide each person and give them the strength to do it. Amen.

Those are there, healthy boundaries are there for the purpose of helping me get healthy and protecting me from different things. What I want to look at today is how complex trauma greatly affects people's boundaries, understanding how they use boundaries, difficulties in setting healthy boundaries. So for a person coming out of a fairly healthy home, boundaries they quickly get and they've lived with healthy boundaries. But for people coming out of complex trauma, There's a whole new level that you need to understand as to how difficult boundaries can be. And I hope you saw last week that if you don't get healthy boundaries, you don't get healthy, but you don't make it in recovery.

So I want you to understand how complex trauma affects boundaries, how it messes people up when it comes to having boundaries in their life today. I think the first thing that is important to understand is that complex trauma is all about unhealthy boundaries. People in complex trauma have lots of boundaries.

They might not be aware that they have those boundaries, but they have them. They're just not healthy. So let me give you an idea of how that works. What we've seen in the past is that for complex trauma families, which are also referred to as dysfunctional families, The idea is it's families that are in pain. They create pain, and also they're not able to resolve the pain that's been created.

And so people have to find ways of coping with this unresolved pain. And that sets up all kinds of coping strategies that seem to work, that take away the pain, but actually are making things worse. So those strategies of dealing with unresolved pain are actually... rules or boundaries that they live by. So for example, boundary number one or rule number one is if the authority figure of the home is the one causing the pain and not resolving it, then to lessen pain or not have as much pain, do whatever the authority wants.

Never challenge them, never annoy them, let them have their way, and that will take away some pain. Now the point is it takes it away in the... immediate circumstances, but it doesn't resolve it. It just piles it up for later in life. A second rule is never show emotions that the authority figure finds annoying.

Because if you show those emotions, then they're going to get mad at you and punish you, and that will increase your pain. Third, don't talk about your problems. Don't talk about your needs.

Don't talk about what's wrong with the family. and the issues that the family needs to face. Because if you do, you're going to get punished and hurt. So that's just three very simple, basic boundaries that exist within a complex trauma family. So they seem to work, but something's happening that is very harmful.

First of all, the needs of the people in the family aren't being met. And because of all of this unresolved pain and how it's being... dealt with.

There's things happening inside of the child and the people in the family that are creating greater and greater negative emotions. They have more shame, more guilt, more anger, even depression and anxiety. It's building inside.

And so all of that, they don't have a solution for. It's unresolved. And so you get this growing, accumulating amount of pain that is happening in each. family member, and it will come out later in life and not in a good way.

So let me give you some general approaches that complex trauma families take to boundaries. And some of you will relate to one extreme or another or a blend of them. But the first is complex trauma families can have tons and tons of rules. It's like the authority figure is a military general and there's a rule for everything. Or you can have no rules.

Just do whatever you want, just don't bug me. Or you have rules that are very unreasonable, rules that are rigid, there's no bend, there's no compromise, it's my way or the highway. And then when it comes to enforcing rules, you can have very strict enforcement of rules, or very lenient, or very inconsistent. Sometimes the rules are enforced, sometimes the consequences are enforced, sometimes they're not.

It really depends on the mood of the authority figure on that day. And so that inconsistency is there. But more than that, you can have mom enforce rules one way and dad enforce them another way so that children learn how to play mom and dad.

But there's an inconsistency there in the two authority figures and how they enforce the rules. The next thing is, children begin to realize These rules that dad or mom are enforcing or making, they're not really about what's best for me. It's about what makes their life easier, what's best for them. So dad doesn't want people talking at all over supper because he wants to watch the news.

And so it's silence, silence. Dad doesn't want anybody playing in the house because it's too much noise. And you realize, okay, rules aren't about what...

My benefit is it's all about them and that creates a lot of pain but more than that the child begins to think rules are there to restrict my fun. Rules are there to make life less enjoyable. Rules aren't about what's best for me therefore happiness is found in breaking rules in stepping outside of what the restrictions are.

And so many of you can relate if you see a sign today that says wet cement don't touch. A big part of you just says I want to touch the cement. And that comes out of the complex trauma.

There's the allure of the forbidden. Anything forbidden you go I think that would give me a lot of pleasure. And that comes out of rules being not for your benefit in the past but only for the authority figure's benefit.

Next thing is children begin to realize there's two sets of rules in the house. There's a double standard. There's a set of rules for the kids or some of the kids.

And then dad has a different set of rules or mom has a different set of rules or one child gets away with more stuff and there's a different set of rules for them. And so you begin to live with rules that are different for everybody and that can cause a lot of pain, but a lot of anger as well. Next one. how the rules were enforced.

So, violation of rules or violation of boundaries needs to have built-in consequences. That's the design. So that when a child steps into telling a lie or in doing stuff that's hurtful to others, there needs to be a consequence so they learn quickly that that behavior is not healthy and it will ruin you and your relationships if you don't change that. So the pain of the consequences is to be appropriate to the crime, and then it's to motivate the child to live a healthy life.

So it's to be fair, it's to be what's best for the child, it's always around a moral issue that is violated, that there's a negative consequence. Within complex trauma families, it's not always like that. In fact, it's seldom like that in some families.

So what they find is, Fear is the way to motivate the children to live inside mom and dad's rules, what mom and dad want. So if a child comes home and they've been drinking for the first time, mom and dad might use fear and instead of saying, you're playing with fire or what's going on with you, is this just an innocent experimental thing and explore it. They go, you're going to end up an addict.

I'm going to take you downtown, and I'm going to let you see people living on the street as a rubby so that you see where you're headed. And it's over the top, an exaggerated horror show trying to scare them straight. The problem with that is it might work for a little while, but over time, the children begin to realize that this is just an exaggerated horror show, and it actually begins to turn them off. The next thing that some families do to try and motivate their children to live by the rules is if they step outside of the rules, they get shamed, they get put down, they get made fun of, they get called names, they get told they're a failure, a loser, they'll never amount to anything.

And parents hope that the pain of the shame will make them want to change their behavior. Initially, that might work. But over time, if they continue to get shamed, even when they're trying to change, they will eventually not do it anymore. It will no longer work for them.

Some parents, when a child does something wrong in their mind, they subject the child to a long rant. And they can go on for 15 minutes, 20 minutes, a half hour, an hour, going, preaching a sermon to the child on why they shouldn't do what they're doing, how it's making the family look bad, and all kinds of different things that the child is subjected to. It's really not about what's best for the child.

It's the parent venting their behavior, badgering the child, trying to manipulate them to change, but the child begins to tune them out. And after a while, as soon as mom or dad start their rant, Their eyes glaze over and it just hardens their heart even more. Creates a rebellion and a defiance that goes deeper and deeper each time. Some families, the punishment doesn't fit the crime. So a kid is five minutes late on a curfew for the very first time and they get grounded for a month.

Or the punishment... goes on and on and on. So the design of a healthy consequence is a punishment that is designed to be fair and bring the child back in, and once it's resolved, everything is restored.

In complex trauma and unhealthy families, the parent might want to punish you. Until the parent feels you've learned your lesson. So they might give you the silent treatment.

They might withhold love from you because in their mind you deserve it. And they're going to make you stay in that doghouse for quite a while. And it does not fit the crime. It isn't concerned with what's best for the child.

So those are some of the things that... complex trauma families do. Another characteristic of complex trauma families when it comes to boundaries is, is a lot of boundaries are set when the parent is angry.

So they're reactive rules. So a child or the family has a great big fight and there's all kinds of fighting amongst the siblings, etc. And so dad is angry and he might say, okay, from now on we're going to have supper together every night.

In his mind, the reason the family's fighting is because they're not eating supper together. And so now the rule, everybody has to be here every night. Or a child is late, like I just said, and they get grounded for a month.

Again, what I've seen over the years with that kind of reactive rule setting or boundary setting is it might be in force for a week or so, but then it just gradually drifts back to the way it was. It wasn't a thought-out boundary. It wasn't something that was carefully weighed out as to whether it was fair, whether they could continue to enforce it over time.

It was just a reaction. And what can happen with children who have lots of that kind of stuff is after a while, when a reactive boundary is set, they go, oh well. In a couple weeks, they'll just be back, so it's not a big deal, and it means nothing to them.

Another thing that can happen is no doesn't mean no. So saying no to somebody is setting a boundary. But what can happen in a complex trauma family is a child can put a sign on their door and saying, this is my room, please keep out. This is my journal, my diary, please don't read it.

And to the parents, they don't respect that. They just barge in. ever they want.

They never ask permission. They step over the child's no. So a no doesn't mean no.

And that for many people can really do a lot of damage because the child realizes that they are not respected and they realize that they are never allowed to set boundaries with their parents. And if they try to set a boundary with a parent, They're made to feel guilty that they've done something wrong. So the unspoken rule of those families is you can set boundaries with everybody else, but never with your parents. So that does a lot of damage. So let me give you another example that where I kind of take your past and put it into your parenting today.

It is very important for parents today, when you say no to a child and you set a boundary, that you mean it. So if you say to a child that you have to put your shoes in the closet, and to you that's important, or you have to treat your sister better, and you can't be punching her all the time, and that to you is a very important moral thing, which it should be, and you say no more, and if you do it, here's the consequence. So now the thing is, what will happen the next time the child does that? Will your no mean no?

What I have seen happen in many families is the parents would say to a kid wrestling with his sister and punching her and she's crying, they would say, I told you not to do it and the child keeps doing it. And then they raise their voice. I said, don't do it. The child keeps doing it. And then they say, I'm going to count to 10 and the child keeps doing it.

And the child doesn't stop at one or two or three. They know that when mom or dad gets to nine, they're going to go. nine and a quarter, nine and a half, nine and three quarters, and then the child stops. So what you're training your child to do in those instances is that your no doesn't mean no. And they figure out when you finally mean no.

And that sets up some very... unhealthy dynamics that could cause a lot of danger in that child's life. If they were in a big thing and big dangerous situation and you said, no, don't do that. And they, your no never didn't mean no to them.

They could go ahead and do it and get hurt badly. So learning or training your children that no means no or first time obedience is a very important thing, but make sure the boundaries are fair. Make sure the consequences are reasonable.

and make sure you're prepared to enforce it. What can happen in some families if a child refuses to live by certain boundaries that they know aren't fair, that they know are a double standard, is that the parents then will do everything in their power to coerce that child to follow the rules of the family, even though the rules might be bad. They will use shame. They will use guilt trips.

They will push. punish them. They will make the child the problem child.

Whereas the child might actually be trying to be healthy, they are made to feel like the scapegoat. And so those pressures are brought against the child to try to force them to change. The parents might even recruit other relatives and friends to go and talk to the child because of that. Another thing is children become afraid to say no. So if they say no and then it's stepped over or they get punished or they're always put down, they might become a people pleaser.

And they are afraid that everybody will reject them like mom and dad do. And so they say yes to everybody because they don't want anybody mad at them and they're afraid if they set a boundary people will be mad at them. And that sets them up to Let other people use them, take advantage of them, because they're afraid to say no. And then, for many children who aren't allowed to set boundaries, the only way they can get some space or create a boundary is through anger or isolation.

So they just move away from everybody and hide out in their room, or they explode and scare everybody off. Those are the only tools they have. to try to create a safe bubble for themselves. Another thing that can happen is that children in complex trauma, often the only way they can set a boundary outside of anger and isolation If they try to set a boundary, they have to close their heart. They have to be mad at that person.

They have to hate that person. They have to want nothing to do with that person. So the only way they have the strength to enforce a boundary is to close their heart to a person. As soon as they open their heart a bit, then they let everybody do whatever they want again.

And so they find that as their only solution. Then they have another issue that comes up. And so what I'm hoping you're seeing is there's lots of issues that come out of complex trauma around this boundary thing that makes it very, very difficult for people to get healthy today.

But what happens when you get into a relationship? A lot of people coming out of complex trauma, what they have found in their families is that everybody's into everybody's business, so they're very enmeshed, or everybody's totally isolated, nobody talks to each other. And so part, if you've been in enmeshed relationships within your family, and now as an adult, you get into a relationship with somebody, the fear can be, if I let you into my life, now I'm responsible to make you happy all the time. I'm responsible for your emotions. I'm responsible to fix your anger when you explode.

I have to fix it when you're sad. And so you think a relationship means I have to become a parent to this other person. Or if I'm in a relationship with you, I can never say no to you.

I have to do whatever you want. I have to serve you and really become a slave to you. Or if I get in a relationship with you. I have to know and read and anticipate every need that you might have.

I have to be a mind reader. I have to be able to see all of your cues so I know what you're wanting without you having to ask. So now I have to develop superpowers to read and know your needs and wants if I am going to have a relationship with you. What that means for people is if I get in a relationship with you, I will lose me.

Because my life now will be understanding your emotions, not mine. Understanding your needs, not mine. Understanding your thinking, not mine.

So I don't know where I end and you begin anymore. I lose me in you. And then some people even think that if you get into a committed romantic relationship that the other person totally owns you. You lose any say, any will. You can't stand up for yourself.

You can't express needs. They own you. And that usually leads to great abuse, all because of bad boundaries. One other thing that enmeshed families do is, deep down they know there's not a lot of healthy intimacy in the family, so they say, we're close because we do lots of stuff together. We never talk at a deep level, but because we have fun constantly together, that proves that we are a very healthy, close family.

And so the fear is that now if I get in a relationship with somebody, I can never have my own time or my own space, that we have to do everything together in order to be close. And so all of those things can be very confusing for people. So if you grew up in some of that, and now you're coming into recovery, and you're realizing, wow, there's a whole bunch of stuff there that's totally unhealthy, I need to start setting healthy boundaries where I stand up for myself, where I express my needs, where I have space to do my own thing and do self-care.

If you start doing that, people in your family are going to feel that you're saying they're bad. And they're going to oppose or give you a hard time. And you could end... up with a lot of opposition and they're going to possibly even try to get you to go back to the way things used to be so that you live by their rules again.

So learning to set boundaries in recovery is essential, but it creates resistance and opposition from others, often from those closest to you. So be prepared for that and realize I need you. not just to set boundaries.

I need to figure out how to enforce those boundaries. And that's what we're going to look at next time. As we come into recovery, one of the first boundaries that people learn is I can't hang around with people that are still using.

because that'll drag me down. Or if I'm in a relationship and my kid is using or my partner relapses, I have to somehow figure out how to handle them because I can't just say, no big deal, do whatever you want, because that will destroy our relationship and it could drag me back down. So you, early in recovery, have to figure out what do you do when people are living in ways that aren't healthy. and you're in a relationship with them, how do you handle that so that you don't get severely damaged yourself? So when we come to the Christian part, that's actually one of the very clear teachings that Jesus talks about in the Bible.

And I think once you begin to see it, you're going to go, wow, this ties in so beautifully with what we do in recovery. So it's found in Matthew 18, and it says this. If another believer or somebody on the same path or trying to go in the same direction or in a relationship with you, kind of in your extended family or surrogate family, if they sin against you, and that just means they do something... unhealthy, that violates love, that hurts you and hurts the relationship. So what it's assuming is this isn't just an acquaintance or a very casual friend.

It's somebody that you have been in a closer relationship with and now something's happened where they've hurt you, done something that is a moral violation. They've lied to you, they've disrespected you in a big way. All of those things.

They violated your trust. How do we respond? Now for a lot of people in recovery, they would say, I'm not even going to try to work that out.

You do that to me, you're out of my life. But what we want to learn in recovery is healthier relationships. And the question becomes, should I try to resolve that issue with the person?

And what happens if I can't resolve that issue with the person? What then do I do? And that's what Jesus is going to talk about, and it's all about boundaries.

So he says, you do a three-step process. So number one, go privately to the person and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you've won that person back.

You've healed the relationship, you've restored it, and you've actually grown in the relationship because of it. You might have to rebuild some trust, but it's been a very positive thing. So let me... Note there, it says go privately.

Don't broadcast it all over Facebook about what the person did to hurt you. Don't go behind their back and gossip to everybody about it. If you really care for that person and there's a closeness in that relationship, you go and talk to them privately and try to restore it without anybody else even know what's going on.

But what happens if they don't respond to that? You go to part two. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two other people with you and go back again so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. So a couple things there that I want you to see. Some people in unhealthy relationships, they want to get their own way and their partner's not going along with their agenda.

So they recruit two or three people to put pressure on them to do something that the other person wants. But what I want you to understand is they're putting pressure on that person to do something unhealthy. So that's the wrong type of what we call triangulation.

What we're talking about here is we're getting people who will support us and care about this person who's living unhealthy, and we want to put some pressure on them to begin to be healthy again. Very big difference. So you take those people and you go and you talk to them.

Another piece with that is they can act as witnesses. So if the person you're confronting later goes to everybody and say, this person said this to me and did this, those two or three people can step up and say, no, that's not what happened. We were there.

And they can prevent a lot of distortions from happening from the parties involved. But what happens when that person still doesn't respond to two or three people? You go to part three. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church.

And that is to your surrogate family, to your people who are on the same path as you. So tell others about it. And if he or she won't accept the church's decision, treat that person like a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

So this has often been misunderstood. So let me explain it. And I think... You'll see the wisdom of it. It's often misunderstood and presented in very much a shunning, an excommunication, a very severe thing.

And I want you just to get the big picture of what's going on. So first of all, Jesus is not saying, appoint yourself the moral police to stick your nose into everybody's business and to tell everybody if they're wrong or not and to always create drama by confronting people. He's not talking about doing that.

That is very unhealthy. He's talking about your close relationships and managing those relationships. What then, or what he isn't saying as well is, don't just have certain failures or things that you go and confront people about, but you do all kinds of other hurtful things yourself. So you might gossip, but you don't ever see that as being a big deal. But if somebody was to post something on Facebook about you, you would be in their face.

But if that person went home and overate and abused, somebody else in their life, you wouldn't even care. You just focus on certain things. And we all are in danger of ranking certain things as worse than others and treating people severely in the things we think are bad and ignoring a lot of other things. We need to have a consistency when we evaluate our relationships about the things that violate love. So what is he saying?

He is saying love has boundaries. Relationships to be healthy need boundaries. And some of the boundaries are about when somebody in the relationship steps outside of unhealthy and they begin to do things that are hurtful to the other person, to themselves, to the relationship.

They lie, they cheat, they steal, all of those different things. What Jesus is saying is love initially will fight to restore the relationship. It values the importance of good relationships. It values the importance of close, deeper intimacy with friendships. And so it is willing to fight, but it does have a limit.

It will set a boundary if the other person becomes abusive or isn't committed to grow and isn't committed to own their stuff and deal with their stuff and be willing to change. from unhealthy to healthy, then I need to put greater and greater distance between myself and them. That is what Jesus is saying. And so he is saying, before you cut a person out of your life or before you put a severe boundary, make sure the person is not willing to change. Make sure you've done everything possible in a healthy way to help them see what they're doing and the damage that it's doing.

So he is giving us a guideline. Relationships are only healthy if both parties are committed to grow, if both parties are committed to own their stuff when they fail and to change. If you have one person in the relationship who's not willing to do that, who hardens their heart and says, I'm not going to look at myself, I'm not going to change anything, rather I'm going to distort every conflict and argument and somehow make it the other person's fault, how do I know that that person has hardened their heart?

How do I know that they're refusing to change? And that's why you do this three-step process. It gives you the tools or the parameters to evaluate whether somebody has hardened their heart and committed to change. If you discover they haven't or they have hardened their heart. and they're not willing to change, then you say, I can't be in a close relationship with you anymore because it's hurting me.

It could drag me down, and it's going to hurt the children or whoever else. So I need to set a boundary that puts greater distance between me and you to protect me, the children, and my own recovery. That's what it's about.

And so Jesus is saying that love of a person has a tough side. So loving somebody doesn't mean you never say no to them. Loving somebody doesn't mean you never make hard decisions that push them away from you.

It might feel cruel. It might feel unloving to say, I can't be seeing you now. You're too toxic.

That doesn't feel loving, but it actually is because it's forcing them to say, if you keep living the way you're living, here's one of the consequences. You can no longer have me in your life and the benefits of that relationship. Hopefully that might make them do some thinking about their behavior that they never would have thought about if you just kept allowing them to use you and abuse you.

So love has a tough side. Now let me just fill in a few other things that Jesus is talking about. In this section of the book of Matthew, Jesus is talking about being a humble person. What is humility? And what is significant is what Jesus is saying here is humble people stand up for themselves.

To be humble doesn't mean you're a doormat and let everybody use you and abuse you. He's saying no, humility respects itself. It doesn't see itself as better than everybody. it sees itself equal, and therefore it will stand up to people that are trying to put them down and walk all over them.

So being humble has a self-respect element that is willing to stand up for itself when it is being treated in an unloving way. The next thing that Jesus is talking about in this is the willingness of love to pursue a person when they're straying. when they're moving and unhealthy.

So they will pursue them. They will try to work it out. They will try to confront the person and hopefully help them see what they're doing and the damage it's doing. They're doing it out of a love for the person and a desire to restore everything to healthy.

It's not done out of a self-serving thing. It's done because it wants the best for the relationship and for the other person. I find it very instructive to see how did God carry out these guidelines of the three-step process and how did Jesus carry it out. So if you go back to the book of Judges in the Old Testament, one of the early books, what you find there is Israel started moving more and more into unhealthy behavior. They drifted away from God.

Every time they did, God let them experience negative consequences, pain. That pain initially drove them back to God and they were sorry and they realigned with God, restored the relationship, but then they would start drifting again. After a while, they drifted and never came back and God allowed them to go into worse and worse negative consequences and it became a very painful existence for them. What I want you to understand is that took place over hundreds and hundreds of years. And as long as God saw that they were facing things and kept coming back, He would restore them.

He would restore them. He didn't implement the severe consequence until the milder pain no longer brought them back to Him, but they just kept rebelling. Then He went to the more severe. So the point is...

We don't just say, okay, I gave you three chances, you're gone. You might give them a chance and then they come back, and then they fall away, but then they come back. You don't go to the severe one until they just stay out there and never come back.

That's further explained by Jesus'example with the 12 followers that he had. Those 12 men were very unhealthy. They argued all the time about who was the greatest, who Jesus loved the most, who Jesus would appoint to the highest position in his kingdom when he set it up.

Jesus confronted them about that, and then a little while later they would do it all over again. Jesus didn't say, okay, I'm done with you, you're fired, you're out of my life, after three times. What he saw is though they kept falling into who's the greatest arguments, they were growing in other areas.

They were becoming more and more healthy in other areas. That one area they were struggling with more than others. So the point is this, we're all in relationships with people. And people are in relationships with us, and nobody's perfect. We all have our issues.

So the goal is not to say, be perfect or you're out of my life. The goal is, we both are working on our stuff. Not perfectly, and we're not going to get it all figured out.

But if I see growth in you, I will tolerate a certain amount of messiness. But there will be some things that if you're not changing over time, that are going to be deal breakers. And I will have to end this relationship if it gets severe enough. So Jesus didn't rush to enforce the negative consequences. He went to grace, but he was looking for growth in all kinds of areas.

And that is what we need to do. So I hope this helps you understand. that what we're doing in this whole process of figuring out boundaries with people who are being hurtful is are they willing to change and own their stuff or have they hardened their heart because if they have then i'm going to need a severe boundary if they're willing to change and they are changing in other areas of their life then i'm going to be a little more patient with the process with them because relationships are important and I'm not perfect and I want everybody growing in their life just as much as I want to grow in my life.

I hope it helps you realize we need boundaries. They're part of recovery. They're part of life and getting healthy.

Let's pray. Father, thank you for this clear teaching and it just connects so well with what people learn in recovery and reinforces and gives us a bigger picture. on all of this boundary stuff.

And I just pray as we have this journey together of understanding boundaries, figuring out boundaries that we need and the relationships that we have, that you would just guide each person and give them the strength to do it. Amen.

Transcript for:Understanding Boundaries in Trauma Recovery

Transcript for:
Understanding Boundaries in Trauma Recovery