In this video we're going to talk about bank robberies, rabbit-heart studies, and snorkeling. Now, if you were to ask most people what they want from life, the average answer you would get is, "I just want to be happy." Or if you would ask most people what they want for their kids, you might get two answers, like, "Oh, I just want them to be happy" or "I just want them to be successful so that they can be happy." We are drowning in a culture of happiness. 4,000 books a year are written on happiness. Google searches for happiness have exponentially increased. Products promise happiness. Food commercials promise happiness. And happiness is extolled as the highest virtue. But here's an interesting thing: what if I could promise you that I could create a tank, an amazing tank that you could program to feel any experience in the entire world? Pleasure, success, anything you dream of. And this experience would feel 100% real. Inside the tank you could be the world's best athlete, an Olympic gold medalist, a World Cup champion. You could be the world's bestselling author. You could be the sexiest man alive or the most adventurous explorer. And while you were in the tank it would feel 100% real. You would feel happy. You would only have to leave that tank briefly to go change up your experience, and then you could go right back in. So would you choose this life for yourself? Would you choose this life for your kids? So even though the vast majority of people would say that happiness is their goal, when presented with the option to experience decades of happiness in the tank most people would reject the tank because deep down they know that there's something much more valuable: a life with purpose, with meaning, with authenticity. We are all drowning in cultural messages that promise that happiness is the ultimate goal. But the crazy thing is that mountains of research show that trying to feel happy backfires. It actually makes people more miserable. The pursuit of pleasure, of delicious food or sumptuous art or sex or travel or wealth might make people feel happier in the short term but leaves people empty in the long run. Chasing happiness actually strangles happiness. And that's the weird paradox of emotions: the more we focus on them, the more it backfires. Like you've probably thought, at one point or another you've probably thought, "If I just didn't feel anxiety or if I just didn't feel depression, my life would be so much better." But but what if it was that thought that striving for feeling good that's actually what's strangling your ability to find real fulfillment in life? So if I'm saying striving for happiness maybe isn't the most effective approach, like what's the alternative? What do we strive for if not happiness? Well, I say purpose and meaning. But we are starving for purpose and meaning as as more people move away from religion, as more people become more isolated and lonely, as work-ism takes a higher role in people's values, as people get greater education and higher wealth, more and more people feel that life is empty, hopeless, or aimless. Nearly a quarter of Americans report that they have no meaning in their life. So in this video you'll learn how to run toward the life that you truly desire, a life that is rich and meaningful and full of goodness and purpose. We will discuss four ways to do this with practical steps you can take so that when you look back on your life you are pleased with what you've done with it and you feel fulfilled along the way. [Music] Okay. This video is number 29 from my 30- part series on how to break the anxiety cycle. Now, you may be taking this course or watching this YouTube video in the hopes to make anxiety go away to stop feeling bad, to start feeling good - which, by the way, is a subtle form of hedonism. And while I am confident that you can decrease your anxiety, it's going to be a little bit paradoxical, because pursuing the meaningful life that you yearn for will be way more powerful than trying to not feel anxious. Nietchze said, "He who has a why can endure any how." A meaningful life makes discomfort purposeful. Um let me give you another example from the book The Power of Meaning. And just so you guys know, this video is a summary of that book, The Power of Meaning. Now, most people would say that reading the tabloids gives them a sense of pleasure and caring for a sick relative is stressful, more stressful and kind of unpleasant. But if you ask most people to choose between dedicating years of your life to reading tabloids or caring for a relative, they would agree that caring for a relative, even though it comes with more stress, would lead to a better life, a more fulfilling life. Running from discomfort, even running towards happiness can often interfere with actually achieving lasting joy and fulfillment in life. And living a purposeful life is like climbing a mountain: it's it's much harder than coasting downhill. A life of purpose and meaning is often uncomfortable but absolutely worth it, and in the long run it leads to greater lasting joy. But finding meaning is something that most people don't have know-how to do on their own, and there's less and less emphasis on this in education or in society than ever. I am not going to focus on all of the evidence that shows that university students are now educated much less in finding meaning than in making money than in the past or the studies that show that unhappiness doesn't correlate with suicide nearly as much as meaninglessness, but instead we are going to learn about the four ways to pursue a rich and meaningful life starting today. Okay. So here is the first pillar of meaning: it's belonging. During the 1800s doctors were just beginning to learn about germ theory, and so in an attempt to protect infants and children from infections they forbid the doctors and nurses from interacting with them. And that ensured that the hospital environment remained sterile. And they were also following the advice of popular psychologists, so they fed these infants on like a time schedule. They did not comfort them when they cried, and they just didn't interact with these children at all. And in the orphanages that followed this practice rigidly, the mortality rate was like 90 to 100%. Then, on the other hand, they found that children - even very ill or weak children - when they were raised by their mothers, even in dirty conditions, had much better survival rates. So they began to encourage the nurses to comfort, to hold, to caress the infants. at Bellevue Hospital in New York, where this type of care became the norm, the mortality of infants went from 35% to less than 10%. In 1938, to thrive it was discovered an infant needs to be held, walked in someone's arms, caressed, hugged, and sung to. it is this connection that helps infants survive and thrive. another study on the effects of diet on the heart health of rabbits found that poor diet directly impacted the buildup of plaque in the hearts of rabbits. so this is what makes heart attacks more likely in humans ,that plaque build up in your hearts. but they were looking at the results of their study, and they found something like really interesting. so when they compared these two groups with the exact same feed, the exact same cages, the exact same physical environment, they found that one group had 60% less plaque buildup than the other. so the researchers were confused. They were like, "What could account for this difference?" And they worked hard to figure it out, because one group was way healthier but they were eating the same food. And as they compared every aspect of the rabbit's environment, they found that the only difference was that the researcher in charge of the healthier rabbits talked with them, caressed them, and essentially loved the rabbits. So that sense of love and connection physically changed the rabbits. Like these infants and rabbits, we are all hardwired with a biological and spiritual need for connection. We yearn to belong to a group, to be supported, loved, accepted. It's the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. But more people are isolated and lonely than ever. Recent studies show that one in three Americans say they don't even have one close friend. And I've got a longer video on the effects of loneliness on your physical health, but in this video we're taking a positive approach, so we're talking about belonging. It's an essential aspect of creating a meaningful life. So belonging is creating relationships where you care for others and you feel cared for and you have regular positive or at least neutral shared experiences. It's using your unique values and strengths to benefit the world. It's using them for something that's not just yourself. Belonging is about fostering connection even in small moments. It's about choosing to value others and put the needs of others before your own. Now, this may sound counterintuitive in our hyper-individualistic society, but to clarify, I did not say instead of your own. So in a society where everyone is focused on themselves, we wither, but when we make sure to give to others we all flourish. Find meaning in your own life by reaching out to others. And and I know when you feel isolated and lonely it's easy to feel really helpless about this. So let's talk about a few easy ways to increase your social connection. There's this thing I use in therapy which I I call plus-one interactions. So when you interact with someone, just add a little. So if someone says hi, a minus one is like not saying hi back. A zero, keeping it on the same level, is saying hi. And a plus-one interaction, saying like, "Hi, how are you?" adds a little energy to the situation. So in every situation, just give a tiny bit more energy back to the person. You could be the one to initiate, to ask someone about themselves, to offer something about yourself. Like we can't wait for others to do this for us. Okay. The next tip I have is like seek to give. See who you can serve. Um my sister-in-law recently told me this story um that she moved into a new neighborhood and she didn't know anyone, and people seemed kind of distant and uninterested. So she decided to host a dinner on her front lawn, and she invited all the neighbors. And she like put up posters so that people knew they were invited. And pretty soon a lot of people came, and some of them who had been living there for years, they didn't know each other, but everyone seemed happy to talk and connect and share food. And eventually this became like a monthly potluck, and the neighborhood over time grew closer and friendlier. Um there's there's, like, I just - like it's just a simple thing, right? "Hey, guys, let's meet on my lawn one day a month. Bring some food." Um I I saw another example of this at the farmers' market. So um I saw this elderly lady, she's in a wheelchair, she's on oxygen, like clearly she's not very mobile, but she was making balloon animals for the kids. And because of that - and she was just giving them out - she was surrounded by people. Like there were like 30 people around her. And I imagine maybe during her week she might be lonely and isolated, but, you know, balloons don't cost that much, so it's like a cheap way to love and give and interact with other people. I heard another story: my neighbor's grandpa, he was in the nursing home, right? He's in hospice, he's on, you know, his last half year of life. He went door to door in his nursing home interviewing and recording life stories from the other residents. Like he's connecting with them. He's creating meaning. He's creating history for the people around him and um and for their descendants. So it's like a simple way to connect in a situation where you're like, "Well, I'm trapped in this nursing home. What can I do?" you know. Um okay. I saw another story on Instagram about a homebound person who was volunteering with using an app to read things for the vision impaired. Um now, I know like it can be hard to find the energy energy to initiate these things. But um like one thing that can be helpful is like just scheduling things in, like planning a recurring friend date. Or find a group of like-minded people. Like you can get involved in a cause, whether it's LARPing or bird watching or political protests or the PTA. Um and then the last thing I would say is just strengthen the relationships you already have. So if you have an acquaintance, see if you can make them a friend. And if you have a friend, see if you can make them a good friend. And if you have a family member, like make it into a tight family member. I just have one more story. My grandma and grandpa, they had this group of friends from college. And there was 12 of them. And they all got married and had families and stuff, but once a month they would have the this dinner party with the 12 of them. And for 50 years they would meet together monthly. And so they were all friends and involved in each other's lives. And um I miss that. Like I wish we had - I think it's harder than ever to do this, but I know it's possible. Okay. One of the best ways to feel like you belong is by helping others feel like they belong. Are you part of a family? Can you heal something in your family? Um you have a social group; how can you enhance it? So most of us have these groups, but the the difference is just being intentional about creating something with that. Okay. Pillar number two is purpose. Our society makes at least four lies about happiness. Um number one: seek pleasure and avoid pain, which is basically saying hedonism is the goal. Uh number two: money and power will buy that. Number three: so your work is the most important thing about you. It's the best use of your time and your energy, and it defines your identity and your success as a human being. And I call this work-ism. And the fourth lie is that you can do it alone - individualism. Um individualism tells you that focusing on what you want or that being yourself is the path toward happiness, that it's doing what you love. Um but instead I think this individualism leads to a lot of misery. People have found that greater happiness lies in how to best contribute and even do your duty. Um I I heard this quote recently that said, "Your vocation lies where your deep gladness and the world's great hunger meet." And the fourth thing - and the fifth thing I would say is like I I think the lack of um spirituality and religion, the decline in that is also making people feel less purpose and meaning. And I understand that that's tricky. Um for many people religion doesn't work for them, at least the way they understand it. So pursue meaning. Pursue a purposeful life in some way. Um purpose is a far-reaching goal toward which we are always reaching. It involves a contribution to the world larger than ourselves. Now, identity is closely related to purpose. It's an idea of who you are, where you fit in the world, and how you contribute to those around you. Knowing your strengths and talents and using them in your work leads to a greater sense of meaning. So discover your unique gifts and how you can employ them to help others live better lives. A purposeful person is more concerned with helping others live good lives. And there's a few ways to do this. Adopting a service mindset helps people find more meaning in their work. The most meaningful jobs are rated as mental health professionals, clergy, and teachers, people like that. And, you know, whatever job you have, you can focus a little bit more on helping and serving the people you work with and for. Uh you could be the person who makes other people's lives better. And remember, this doesn't have to be something huge or public. You don't have to save the world all at once. Um you could just make your home a little bit more loving. You could pick the weeds on your street. You could help your co-workers feel like you care about them. Um and for those of you who feel like you haven't found your calling, it doesn't mean that you can't find meaning. So in each of the small things we do each day we can find ways to lift others up. Okay. And so an important part of finding your purpose is identifying your values and strengths. What are you passionate about? What are your true values? How can you use these for the betterment of others? Join a cause. Be political. Do a service project. Find one person to help. You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Okay. Number three: storytelling. Here's a story from Counterfactuals. Let's say you normally go to the bank on Tuesdays, but this week you go on a Wednesday. There's like 50 people in there. And suddenly a robber comes in. And the security guard manages to tackle him, but shots are fired. One ricochets and hits you in the arm. The robber is taken to jail, and you go to the hospital with a minor injury. Nobody else got hurt. Are you lucky or unlucky? How you answer that depends on all the other things you bring into the narrative. Nobody else got hurt could go in two different directions. It could mean, "Oh, thank goodness. We all made it out of there with our lives. We are so fortunate or blessed. Or you could say, "Why me? Why did I have to be the one who got hurt? Why did I go on a Wednesday? This is so unfair. I was so unlucky or cursed or I deserve bad things to happen to me." The way you tell the story determines how you interpret that situation. Storytelling is an act of creation. We take the facts, and we fill in the meaning with our own interpretation. Um The Moth Radio Hour is a show where people tell some of the best short stories I've ever heard. But to get to that point where they're able to tell that story, they have to go through a little coaching. So everyone comes to the producer with um these crazy experiences, but as they craft their facts into a story they convert it into meaning. Storytelling is the essence of finding purpose and beauty and meaning in the pleasure and the pain and the hero's journey that we're all on. So as we work through our challenges, struggles, and pain we are constantly editing and interpreting our own story. The Moth producer says that telling a story is like 10 years of therapy. We order the pieces and we make sense of our experiences and this brings coherence and helps us make sense of life. But as we fill in the meaning into the details of our lives, everyone tells one of two types of stories: redemption stories or contamination stories. So effective people tell redemption stories. This is like rags to riches, forgiveness, overcoming weakness, finding the good in negative experiences. They transition from bad to good. They connect those dots. And they say, "This is the way that I converted that pain into growth or healing or doing good in the world." The opposite of a redemptive story is a contamination story. These stories end in the bad, regardless of the good. Um so they might, you know, they might say something like, "This is the way that my pain or that person or that situation broke me and ruined my life." Storytelling is a huge part of our identity development. Our stories are an internal narrative about who we are, how we got that way, and what we did with the challenges we face. It's an act of creation. We choose the way we see the story. Storytelling to yourself can help you gain meaning. Storytelling to other people lets them know that they're not alone, builds connection, and helps them find meaning too. So when you tell your story, what changes inside of you? Like think about all these people who've written memoirs. Like something changes as they go through the process of writing that story. Um also I think storytelling is the opposite of shame. It's healing and empowering. So what's the story you're going to tell about your life? I would say write about the pivotal moments in your life or the traumatic ones. Consider the meaning that you take from them. Ask, "How would my life be different without the pivotal moments in my life?" Whatever happens, you can ask yourself, "Where is the good? What did I learn from that experience?" or "How did it help me gain a depth of heart or understanding?" Okay. The fourth pillar is transcendence. In order to have meaning in life you need to be connected to something greater than yourself. Purpose is using your talents for something bigger than yourself. Transcendence is about getting connected to something bigger than yourself. It's those moments that take your breath away, that leave you changed. Let me tell you some of mine: cross-country skiing on a winter night alone in the mountains far away from light pollution, where the stars were brighter than the darkness. Or climbing up a the challenging route in the Tetons, flowing uphill through that rock and the clouds with a skill that I'd mastered over years with excitement and wonder. Or kneeling in prayer and feeling encompassed by God's love. Or another time just being immersed in Gregorian chants in Jerusalem. In each of these moments I felt connected to something much bigger, more real, and more awe-inspiring than myself. The reason I climb mountains isn't for the view; it's the way the experience changes me. I don't come down a mountain the same person as I went up it. But transcendence isn't always mysterious. Let me let me tell you a story. One day I was having a tough day. I felt like lonely and discouraged and kind of overwhelmed with my family. And I got a text message from an acquaintance, and it said, "Hey, Emma. I was just thinking of you. Do you want to go for a walk and talk?" And this was like the exact thing that I needed at that time. And this was my friend Mary. The more I get to know Mary, the more I'm impressed with her. She believes that God will inspire her to help others. And every day as part of her morning routine, like she does meditation and she'll exercise and she'll do some writing and she'll do some other things as part of her morning routine. She has a few minutes dedicated on her schedule to asking God, "Who can I help today?" And then she writes down any thoughts that she has or any names that come to mind. And then she reaches out to those people, just like she had reached out to me. And I've seen her help and comfort and support so many people in our little neighborhood. Um she was telling me a story the other day of one time she had this thought to reach out to this woman. She reached out to her, went to her house. She found out the woman was like really sick and pale, so she called an ambulance. And it turns out the woman's oxygen saturation was super low and that she needed a heart procedure to save her life. So that was kind of a big story. But like in hundreds of ways she makes our community a better place. And she connects with the divine every day to do that. So the question here is, how can you create a system to connect with the divine more regularly? Buddhists practice kindness, loving kindness both in meditation but also in their daily interactions with people who can sometimes be difficult. Um I've felt transcendence in prayer, scripture study, and temple attendance but also in nature and on mountains, uh when I finally learned to center clay on the pottery wheel and while snorkeling in the Red Sea. I felt Transcendence while walking through the slot canyons of Jordan only to turn a corner and see the treasury. Uh recently I was up in the middle of the night with my sick baby who was throwing up, and I remember thinking, "There is nowhere else I'd rather be." Like I was in flow in the middle of a very difficult situation. So I believe we can create these experiences. And some common themes with transcendence include - we we can't create these experiences. We can create the environment where these experiences are more likely. Um so some common themes include sacrifice, mastery, service, practice, monotasking, reflection, and quiet, plus a connection to nature and other human beings. I believe that the opposite of transcendence is distraction, separating ourselves from life, our feelings, and what we care about. It's keeping busy. It's running after pleasure instead of depth. So can you develop a habit of putting yourself into situations where this happens? Can you develop a mastery that helps you get in touch with something amazing that changes you, that helps you connect with something bigger or higher than yourself? What will this look like? And I would say, write about this in your workbook. Okay. So when it comes to building a rich and fulfilling life, there is no quick fix. There's no five-minute hack here. It comes down to constantly refocusing your life on what is most important to you. So there's four ways to run toward a rich and meaningful life: belonging, which is foster real relationships, connect with others, serve them, invest your time and energy and relationships and be excellent to each other. Number two: purpose. Seek to do good in the world, to use your unique talents to make the world a better place, whether that's loving your neighbors or inventing a new technology or creating music that helps people feel alive. Use your gifts to make your space a better place. Number three: tell your story. Pay careful attention to your narrative. Do you tell a story of gratitude and authenticity and wonder and overcoming obstacles, or do you tell the story of being a victim, of hiding your truth, or in shame do you hide your story? Number four is transcendence. Connect to something higher, bigger, and brighter than yourself. You create an intentional system where transcendent experiences are frequent, not rare. You live your life seeking beauty and mastery, even though they come at the cost of discomfort. As we near the end of this course, I hope you can drop the struggle with anxiety and instead run toward the rich and purposeful life that you care about. And that will include some discomfort, some stress or anxiety, and that's okay because the best things are sometimes hard, and it's absolutely worth it. Okay. Thanks for being here. Appreciate you all. Proud of the work you're doing. And uh take care. [Music]