yeah we can do jokes did you do any research before you had me on about you yeah my whole life has been researching yet no don't you know everything about every comic yeah back jerry seinfeld talking about rodney dangerfield you were talking about danger fields in new york on the break during the break and uh the whole show is the break you described it as a as a fly and a piece of amber how about that huh no i think that's beautiful i'm glad you enjoyed that there's no mocking right you know you have an eternal look in your eyes well we're all eternal beings i'll tell you every time i buy a car i get stuck you know the salesman always says she's a beauty never says he's a beauty i found out why because a conor girl very much alike with either one a car or a girl when you gonna use one they always lie about the mileage and with either one a car or girl how many times in a cold morning when you really need it it won't turn over hey my whole life i know was rejection when i was a kid my yo-yo it never came back when i was a kid i was poor too when i was a kid everybody was poor no rich cause only poor kids had so but i was poor i was so poor my rich aunt died in a wheel i ordered twenty dollars i was poor well once on my birthday my old man he showed me a picture of a cake [Applause] i sat there all day trying to blow out the candles i took a homeless guy into a restaurant i said instead of giving her money i'll take him into a restaurant boy was that a saying in five seconds the entire restaurant smelled like like uh excellent urine and everyone's looking at and urine yeah that's the worst combination because me and the homeless so you're the excrement that's by the way stick around for the fight we're not going to pay the band you know you're a nice crowd all right you're a classy crowd i know that there's two tractors parked outside well i was out with a classy girl a few weeks ago yeah she puts a hand over her mouth when she farts [Applause] you know what class says you're alone in your fart you say excuse me and so the comics would come up and then after the garbage camp he'd come up and he'd be wearing his pajamas right yeah and uh so he'd take questions from the audience it was funny because some of the muscle questions were jokes but then suddenly he'd be honest so they go you know how's your doctor you kidding me you know you know last week he said he had four cases of uh he's all right now you know it's like you know you know how's your dating life going right now you kidding you know you know you look like i don't give a [ __ ] crowd you know you don't give a [ __ ] about nothing huh well i don't give a [ __ ] either all right well let's have some action here everybody take a leak and a guy in front of you go ahead all right i'm gonna tell you huh you figure life out will you what do i do for a living i get guys for your sister okay don't be a wise guy just remember never [ __ ] around with a comic who can't get laid okay because i don't need this you know chippendales wants me this is what i saw one time he was it was the day he got married he stopped at the improv to do a set his wife was in a wedding dress and uh he uh introduced him come on yeah he said they give her hands got married all right okay and the woman stands up in a [ __ ] wedding dress and everyone claps and then he goes she's no prize because she says we have so much in common i said i don't like to suck dick and now she sits down her wedding day you know how people said hey rodney you talk about girls your wife you're single you're married what's your story i'm married i got married about a year and a half ago that's the truth and i found myself a good woman i got a woman who loves me for my money and my fame and not for what i am [Applause] no she's a lovely girl her name is joan she comes from utah she's a mormon that's right yes a moment and i'm very very happy with the very happy in fact next week i'm marrying her sister and i got my eye on her brother too now i was single for years for years as they say i was playing the field or to be more accurate i was playing with myself in the field when i got married one thing didn't make sense to me you know the guy said to me you may kiss the bride after what i've already done to the bride he tells me i can kiss her you know uh before i got married there was plenty of girls i could have married it was one girl wanted to marry memory with her she said she said we should get married she said we think alike we like the same things i told her i don't like to suck dick what the hell are you talking about huh [Applause] oh another girl i knew we used to have phone sex together i didn't like it she loved it i'd take the phone i'd stick it up her ass she loved it you know when i was married before i got two children i got a boy in college i'm happy about that now i get decent drugs i'll tell you the truth folks i say no to drugs when people ask me for some my drugs i say no got a boy in college he's majoring in [ __ ] up over there that's what he's doing my kid is dumb too i'll tell you that he got his girlfriend pregnant he's suing saran wrap my kid's girlfriend she's a beauty she majors in business psychology for a hundred dollars she'll blow your mind maybe i shouldn't talk this way you know most of you out there old enough to be your father there's a few of you out there i am your father anyways so i see rodney and he's taking questions from the audience and so they you know they asked him about his doctor so he says vinnie boom boss is doing asked about his kids ah there's nothing no respect at all he says uh one guy says uh why uh when are you gonna do your next movie you tell me you [ __ ] [ __ ] i was like [ __ ] don't give me a move you have to [ __ ] have hairy bass are you kidding me i like her another terrific impression fantastic um so um i never got girls and i was a kid in show busy then one girl told me come on over there's nobody home i went over there was nobody home and this girl was no bargain either she was fat she got in a scale a card came out said one at a time but you couldn't use a shower cap for a diaphragm when she tried computer dating the machine messed her up with detroit i thought you can she was on a richard simmons show jumping up and down my tv fell off the stand mean i'm talking about a fat girl here know what i mean how fat she was standing alone a cop told her break it up okay fat i'm telling you i put my hand in her blouse i felt the chin fat you can have sex with her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in i mean fat know what i mean this girl was fat and ugly you she ugly she was known as a tobacco that's her who saw a gig while with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head break she was ugly ugly chick i took her to the beach they asked me what i used for bait kid and i gave her a hickey i got fur in my mouth i took her to a dog show she won i mean ugly with two guys broke in her apartment she overraped they oh no and that's how ugly she was that's okay who came in what happened here [Applause] although i tell you i really shouldn't tell jokes about my wife she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive the refrigerator until you get married look for a good cook okay the sex will wear off but you'll always be hungry my wife can't cook me to my house you pray after we eat she gave my kid alphabet soup he spelled out help i bought a pressure cooker now i eat off the ceiling last night she made chocolate mousse and antler got stuck in my throat what a lousy cook how can toast have bones and i don't think meatloaf should glow in the dark why my kitchen the roaches are anorexic last week the garbage disposal threw up she can't cook at all my backyard the flies chipped in to fix the screen door i know a lot of [ __ ] jokes all right hey what a crowd what a crowd huh a lot of people are lonely it's tough to stay married a lot of people lonely but afraid of falling in love and getting hurt who wants to get hurt and love their out of state lonely i'm lonely too i was in my apartment did i sit in my apartment lonely i noticed a fly in the room i became friends with the fly you know i was kidding around the fly having a good time was beautiful and i opened the window and the fly left me for some horseshit [Applause] i'm getting very confused hey you want to confuse a guy join him while he's taking a leak in the street we were pushed in our christmas tree we had no tension we used to wait for grandpa to sneeze what's wrong with that it's a funny line don't carry that [ __ ] all right now what do you want your money back fungal you got screwed that's it okay i've been through enough of my life i meant santa claus that was a beauty too i sat in his lap his fly was open what a present he gave me he was a kid i had plenty of pimples too i fell asleep in the library i woke up a blind man was reading my face well to me a [ __ ] is when the soup is too hot you get older they called in the golden years of golden years that means you're at a bathroom five times a night that's the golden years when your toes outnumber your teeth that's the golden years when a daily double is pruned juice in an enemy that's the golden years you get older they say the first thing that goes is the mind i said they missed by three feet you know golden years when you're pissed in your pants you think you're coming that's the golden years too all right golden years you kidding in this world anything could happen i'm not a kid anymore i could go tomorrow and i hope i go tomorrow i haven't gone today yet no i wish i was home in slippers relaxing creating hatred in the family you know when you're really old when your family talks about you in front of you let me see those families the guys sitting right there what do you want to do with pop pop can't stay here and pop just just there dribbling uh the harry potter garage we are company coming okay that's when you're old suddenly i'm depressed full of hate and i get my hate out what a lot of people do i watch television when i'm watching television and i got that remote in my hand that's when i get my hate out what kind of [ __ ] is this get a [ __ ] job he sucks take the weather and shove it up your ass all right [ __ ] you i say yes to drugs all right can i tell you folks i'm very ill you know the trouble with me i appeal to everyone who can do me absolutely no good that's a story of my life no respect i don't get no respect at all you'll get nothing no respect at all well last week my house was on fire my wife told the kids be quiet you wake up daddy no respect at all but cisco and ebit caught my act they gave me one finger up i don't get no respect from anyone i try to join [ __ ] anonymous they told me to jerk off and i tell you i can't take it no more i was in a chinese restaurant they named the dish after me one dumb [ __ ] i hope you had a few laughs [Applause]