hi everyone its dr. Romani and welcome back to this YouTube channel on all things narcissism narcissistic personality narcissistic relationship and all other kinds of toxic stuff today's video is a very important one it is in response to what many people have been asking for and it very simply gets out this idea of what do you do how do you think about narcissistic parents I spent a lot of time putting this one together because it came in from lots of different thoughts and ideas and you name it so I do know that this topic is important to you to all of us and so this is sort of like an 11 step manual I guess of what to know what to do or even different ways to think about how to get your head around a narcissistic parent before I go on though please consider subscribing to this channel thumbs up if you end up liking it and hit that bell you'll get notifications every time we put out new content so let's take this from the top this sort of it was a 10 step guide it made it 11 11 steps of what to know what to do what to think about if you have a narcissistic parent or parents this particular email comes too often to me and I actually think the issue of narcissistic parents makes me more angry than any other issue a narcissistic parent damages your developmental trajectory sets you up for a lifetime of making excuses for people's bad behavior in validating yourself living with anxiety grappling with guilt shame and anger and typically all three on any given day setting you up for trauma bonded relationships in adulthood and managing a world full of enablers that does or did not understand what you are going through or went through so over time I have accumulated these thoughts some day I'll do a full-blown course on this but this topic was just too important to wait and too many people were asking for it so right now here are my thoughts on this subject step-by-step 11 points now on average most people have one narcissistic parent which by my estimation is one too many those of you who have to your climb is going to be much much steeper so let's take it from the top if you had a narcissistic parent number one you were robbed remember you were robbed you're going to hear gas lighting and validating statements from people when you say this once everyone has a tough child wrong nobody has a perfect family but a narcissistic parent is a special kind of hell it's decades of day-to-day invalidation meanness pettiness manipulation gas lighting this is the stuff that damages a soul from the inside out and yes you were robbed because every child deserves a childhood full of unconditional love and acceptance of a parent who sees and who values them of a parent who is not selfish and egocentric of a parent who has empathy and can put a child's needs first if you didn't get those things you were robbed and that knowing that can fill you with resentment grief regret and rage there are no second chances on childhood and to not get this is to have been stolen a robbed of a fundamental need in life it can be painful especially on those parental commemoration holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day but frankly any holiday or alleged families are supposed to come together and have fun day year over year to be hit by that tsunami of shame of having a narcissistic parent of having horrible negative emotions on those days or at that time of year and having to watch the world make their social media posts and proclaiming joy at their great dad who taught them all about life it's painful to see it you didn't get it yeah you were robbed second to remember thing to remember if you have narcissistic parents acceptance is at best a temporary solution on any given day acceptance is an important stage of grief and in important tool for mental health I preach it every day and when it comes to narcissistic parents it doesn't always work there are days that the grief and sadness and resentment may overwhelm you and your body and soul reject having to accept this and that's okay those are the hard days and listen to those days those may in fact be the days that finally set you up to go no contact or gray rock or maybe a wake-up call to just be kind to yourself and give yourself a break that day there are days that acceptance works and that's great you can accept that those on those days that this was your story and since you can't change it what it did to you just have to accept it and more days than not it that will work but somedays acceptance won't work and that's okay it doesn't mean that you aren't grieving right it means that some days the negative emotions are too overwhelming number three thing to remember if you have a narcissistic parent stop gaslighting yourself think of the things you say to yourself maybe it isn't that bad maybe I'm making too big a deal about this oh this parent is old maybe I'm just getting too lost in the past stop doing it when you are gaslighted as a child it does a number on you much more so than if your first experience with gaslighting is when you are an adult before you can even talk if you were gaslighted you learn to second-guess yourself to doubt yourself and that's all courtesy of the gift that keeps giving being gaslighted as a child yeah parents actually do think say things like don't be so sensitive or that never happened or I never really I don't really mean that when gas lighting is one of the first languages you are taught it's hard to unlearn it but stop gas lighting yourself now number four you got a narcissistic parent remember this was not your fault because at the end of the day it's bad luck isn't it you got a narcissistic parent or parents and you didn't ask for it you're not responsible for their selfishness rages manipulations invalidations or gaslighting you may have spent a childhood wondering if only I didn't say that if only I kept my room clean maybe if I was better he or she would notice me know their narcissism is not your fault their narcissistic behavior is not your fault people in narcissistic relationships try to get some control over the situation by wondering what they did themselves to evoke such toxic behavior from the narcissist the narcissist is toxic it's simply who they are you just had the bad luck to be their child so it impacted your development everyone suffers when a narcissist is around but kids and partners get it the worst number five remember stop saying your parents sacrificed so much no they didn't this is a rationalization that so many people use as they go through the rigors of a childhood with a narcissistic parent or try to make sense of it that a good old cognitive dissonance raising its head again my favorite one I hear from people is I can't I can't be that mad they put a roof over my head and fed me yeah that's sort of a minimum requirement of parenting and an orphanage would do that much they chose to have a child and chose to raise that child you yeah parenting is a sacrifice and one a parent makes with eyes wide open or they're supposed to I'm a parent I guess I sacrifice for my kids but I don't see it as a sacrifice I see it as a privilege I see it as a divine role if I had to make hard choices of course do I sometimes make the wrong choices all the time but the idea that someone would rationalize a parent's lifelong toxic behavior because the parent paid the rent when you were a child is preposterous parents are supposed to do for their children it's a basic requirement parenting is about compromise and not on the part of the child on the part of the parent compromise though is a word that does not exist in a narcissist vocabulary number six this is a tough one you may not be at peace regarding your narcissistic parent until they have passed this is a very painful realization the monkey on your back of the old voices their mere existence the manipulation the invalidation and general nastiness of a narcissistic parent may not end until they are gone no one is ever allowed to say in mixed company that they are actually relieved when a parent passes away but I can guarantee you that many people with narcissistic parents will indicate that a prevailing emotion upon the passing of their narcissistic parent was relief and that relief was often coupled with guilt because obviously that's not how you're supposed to feel when someone passes away and unfortunately narcissists because of their selfishness and the stress they caused for others often live a very long time and can cast a long shadow on much of your life the death of a narcissistic parent can be kept can be met with a complex cascade of emotions including grief guilt confusion and relief which all complicate the process of grief it can feel like a lifelong waiting game and even no contact is sometimes not a substitute when that day comes it is very important that you consider working with a therapist well-versed in grief work around complex losses to help you process it number seven you got to step away from your family enablers and start pruning your family tree a big reason why narcissistic parents are able to exert so much damage is because they are enabled they are enabled by other family members by their own parents by their friends people will make excuses for them people will say well that's not their family it's not my business those around you may not want their precious little happy little worldviews punctured their childlike worldviews where parents love their kids and people get along and they want to keep their little myth alive for themselves even while children in their midst we're experiencing narcissistic abuse whether that's denial or culture or stupidity I'm never gonna know number eight with parents thinking about no contact versus gray rock there's no right answer some people do no contact with their parents and it saves them there circumstances permit it and it works all things being equal no contact is great because like all toxicities the more contact you have with the toxic person the sicker it makes you however going no contact means bearing up against the enablers that gave your narcissistic parents their power and people may shame you call you a terrible person for cutting off a parent disrespectful ungrateful etc listen these people were willing to throw you under the bus when you're a child why wouldn't they be willing to continue to do that while you're an adult however many people recognize that no contact is not an option for them and then gray rock can work it can be tough no one knows how to bait you and get under your skin better than your parent who has been doing it for your entire lifetime gray rock can also be challenging because of those family enablers in your midst those enablers may say you're being difficult or cold or uppity by being disengaged only you know what will work for your given situation number nine stop excusing your narcissistic parents on the basis of their back story for a fuller look at this issue please take a look at my videos on generational and cultural narcissism those are found in the narcissistic types series but this is one that many people get stuck in parents that may have had difficult histories now these could be due to historical or regional issues like Wars migration being a refugee enduring community violence poverty or trauma losing family members to these kinds of events and these traumas may in fact underlie some of the narcissistic patterns in your parent and so they get to do a number on you as narcissistic parents do but you Kate you keep making excuses for them he came to America with $100 in his pocket he still made it she lost both of her ages before the age of 10 and every time you have to face up to they're gaslighting dismissiveness and rage you may rationalize their behavior just because they had a tough start ah it may allow you as an adult to engage in the radical acceptance of how difficult your childhood was and that your parent won't change to know their backstory it may fortify your gray rock that you know they will always hurt you and you will quietly endure it instead of in tempting to have them take responsibility for it here's the rub many people with horrific backstories most people don't go on to do a narcissistic number on their kids your parent would have enough of a sense of right from wrong they got through their jobs after all they were able to keep it together with other people but a child is an easy and evocative target you are not responsible for your parents history and enabling their behavior or remaining their psychological punching bag in lieu of it is not healthy for you number 10 please stop getting stuck in the if it had only been different vortex so many people I have known or talked about this with will just ruminate about if only it had been different what would I have been like what would I have been like if I had different parents if my parent was out of the picture if my parents got divorced if my parents did not get divorced all of these suppositions are very seductive and it's easy to go down the rabbit hole of ruminative what-ifs but this can be a real dead end that just ends you up in the same place having to deal with your difficult parent and their legacy because they are who they are and it wasn't different this kind of thinking can slow you in your healing and getting to acceptance of the situation so you can devise a more meaningful approach rather than wondering how things could have been different next you need to figure out how to repair n't your self this is a big one it's like teaching yourself to read at the age of 25 or do addition at the age of 30 if you're lucky you had one healthier parent who may have loved you in a healthy manner or showed you compassion and empathy you may have had other family members who are present and held safe and special spaces for you but if you have two narcissistic parents you didn't get any of it treat yourself like you would have treated a child for some people this lesson can come into stark relief when they have their own children hopefully it does they vow they will not get it as wrong as their parents and do right by the next generation but before that you need to do this for yourself too what does a healthy parent do they love a child unconditionally they keep them safe they authentically mirror their emotions support and encourage their aspirations compromise for them and puts their own stuff aside for their own child do this for yourself you should have gotten it in the first place and it's not too late it won't be easy like learning to read at the age of 25 but you can do it and it's absolutely crucial that you do number 11 remember that your parent will never change and this may be the hardest one of all they won't these patterns don't change the most fortunate amongst us may get the parental deathbed confession but don't hold out for it by and large many parents actually get worse with age the rigors of age never play well for a narcissist they don't like the impact of aging on their bodies and appearance they lose societal powers they slowly lose cognitive capacity they honestly believe they'll live forever that plus their narcissism can make things even more difficult if you remember they won't change you will cancel that childlike hope you always had that maybe today will be different it won't of all the narcissistic relationships the parental one to me is the most lethal because of the lifelong damage it causes it's not a relationship you chose you were completely unempowered to be able to address it because you were a child it is a painful legacy but it is my sincere hope you can take some of these thoughts and start creating a safer space for yourself both in whatever relationship you have with your narcissistic parent or parents the people around them and most importantly with yourself this relationship defines so much of you please don't let it get the best of you so many people will have this demon on their back for their lives I hope some of what was shared in this video can help you rethink some of this create boundaries and specific ways stop blaming yourself and set yourself free from their negative voices but I'm gonna tell you this right now it won't be easy and there will be days that are much harder than others and most importantly and the hardest part of all most people don't get it oh come on it's not that bad it's your parent every parent gets it wrong gasps light gasps light enable enable you've got to get mentally strong enough to be able to say no do not invalidate the nightmare I had endured on my journey to attempt to become a productive adult but also remember this won't define you many people I'd say most who had narcissistic parents often go on to other heroic adulthoods and what's even more heroic is that you could come from that beginning and still retain your empathy your compassion and your goodness as far as I'm concerned if you could serve that survive that childhood and come out loving and compassionate you truly are a hero thanks again for tuning in you want to share any thoughts on narcissistic parents drop them in the comments and as always if you like this video thumbs up hit that Bell hit that subscribe button and again sending you strength thank you