let's talk about control codependents often try to control other people a control is an illusion it doesn't work we cannot control anyone's compulsive behaviors we cannot and have no business trying to control anyone's emotions mind or choices we can't control the outcome of events we can't control life some of us can barely control ourselves when we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling we are controlled we lose our power to think to feel and to act in our best interests often we're being controlled not just by people but by diseases such as alcoholism eating disorders and compulsive gambling alcoholism and other destructive disorders are powerful forces never forget that alcoholics and other troubled people are expert controllers we have met our match when we attempt to control them or their disease we lose the battles we lose the wars we lose ourselves there is an elenant slogan that says you didn't cause it you can't control it and you can't cure it people ultimately do what they want to do they feel and think how they want to they do the things they believe they need to do and they'll change only when they're ready to change it doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right it doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves it doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to us it doesn't matter doesn't matter doesn't matter doesn't matter repeat after me it doesn't matter and that's the truth it's too bad it's sometimes hard to accept especially if someone you love is hurting him or herself and you but that's the way it is the only person you can now or ever change is yourself detach surrender sometimes when we do that the result we've been waiting and hoping for happens quickly almost miraculously sometimes it doesn't sometimes it never happens but you'll benefit you don't have to stop caring or loving you don't have to tolerate abuse you need only to put your emotional mental spiritual and physical hands back in your own pockets and leave things and people alone let them be make any decisions you need to make to take care of yourself but don't make them to control other people start taking care of you many co-dependents have a hard time believing they can take care of themselves let me illustrate this with an example a woman who had recently joined eleanor called me one afternoon this married woman worked part-time as a registered nurse had assumed all the responsibility for raising her two children and did all the household chores including repairs and finances i want to separate from my husband i can't stand him or his abuse any longer but tell me please tell me do you really think i can take care of myself why do we do this to ourselves why do we feel so uncertain and vulnerable that we can't go about the business of living our lives why when we've proved we are so strong and capable by the sheer fact that many of us have endured and survived what we have can't we believe in ourselves why when we're experts at taking care of everybody around us do we doubt our ability to take care of ourselves what is it about us the theme of this tape is to encourage you to begin taking care of yourself you aren't helpless being responsible for yourself does not have to be so painful and scary you can handle whatever life brings your way you don't have to be so dependent on the people around you unlike siamese twins you can live without any other specific human being as one woman put it for years i kept telling myself i couldn't live without a particular man i was wrong i've had four husbands they're all dead and i'm still living knowing you can live without someone doesn't mean you have to live without that person but it may free you to love and live in ways that work there's no magic easy overnight way to become undependent if you're financially or emotionally dependent on someone that's a fact and facts need to be accepted and taken into account but i believe you can strive to become less dependent and i know you can become undependent if you want here are some ideas that may help finish up business from your childhood as best as you can grieve get some perspective figure out how events from your childhood are affecting what you're doing now nurture and cherish that frightened vulnerable needy child inside you the child may never completely disappear no matter how self-sufficient you become stress may cause the child to cry out or unprovoked the child may come out and demand attention when you least expect it stop looking for happiness in other people your source of happiness and well-being is not inside others it's inside you you can learn to center yourself in yourself you can learn to depend on yourself maybe other people haven't been there for you but you can start being there for you you can depend on god too he's there and he cares your spiritual beliefs can provide you with a strong sense of emotional security strive for independence begin examining the ways you're dependent emotionally and financially on the people around you you can feel your feelings you can talk about your fears you can accept yourself and your present circumstances and then you can get started on the journey toward on dependence you can do it you don't have to feel strong all the time to be unindependent and to take care of yourself you can and probably will feel afraid weak and hopeless from time to time that's normal it's even healthy real power real strength comes from feeling your feelings not from ignoring them real power and real strength come from acknowledging your weaknesses and vulnerabilities if i make one point on this tape i hope it's that the surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people's business and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs you may be in so much emotional pain you think you have no life all you have is pain that's not true you're more than your problems just because life has been this painful so far doesn't mean it has to keep hurting and it won't if you begin to change it may not be all roses from here on out but it doesn't have to be all thorns either you need to you can develop your own lives self-care is an attitude of mutual respect it means learning to live our lives responsibly it means allowing others to live their lives as they choose as long as they don't interfere with our decisions to live as we choose taking care of ourselves is not as selfish as some people assume but neither is it as selfless as many codependents have been living some specific ways of taking care of ourselves include goal setting dealing with feelings and working a 12-step program i believe taking care of ourselves is an art and this art involves one fundamental idea that's foreign to many giving ourselves what we need you can think you can figure things out you can make good decisions the most important one you can make is that who you are today is okay you can feel you can even feel angry you can identify and solve many of your problems not the other person's problems yours you can learn to see yourself and your issues as clearly as you see other people in their problems you can learn to trust and depend on yourself you can learn to trust god you can learn to make good decisions about who else to trust you can set and achieve goals you can identify and take responsibility for what you want and need you can learn to own your power owning or claiming your power means you know you have choices and you know you're responsible for these choices including your decision to feel miserable or happy claiming your power means you learn to love yourself and you learn to love other people in ways that work you learn to be good to yourself to cherish and nurture yourself to make decisions that enhance yourself your self-esteem and your life you learn to forgive and accept yourself you are good you're good enough you can even learn to have fun i had to make myself learn to have fun i'd grip my teeth square my shoulders and say okay mel it's time to go out now and have fun after a while i learned how to do that fun actually became fun you can let go of the past you can stop fussing about tomorrow you can live and let live one day at a time one of the most rewarding lessons i'm learning in my recovery is the difference between caring and care taking i'm learning that caretaking is not being really christian it's being really codependent i'm learning that being a people pleaser and lying about what i want need and feel is not being kind it's lying i'm learning that self-neglect rarely benefits any situation it simply keeps me victimized let's look more closely at a few other codependent problems and recovery solutions many co-dependents have poor communication skills we carefully choose our words to manipulate people please control cover up and alleviate guilt our communication reeks of repressed feelings repressed thoughts ulterior motives low self-worth and shame we laugh when we want to cry we say we're fine when we're not we allow ourselves to be bullied we sometimes act inappropriately we justify rationalize compensate and take people all around the block we're not assertive we badger and threaten then back down sometimes we lie frequently we're hostile we apologize a lot and we hint at what we need we don't do these things on purpose we do them because we've learned to communicate this way at some point either in our childhood or adult family we may have learned it was wrong to talk about problems we may have learned it wasn't okay to express feelings and to say what we thought we've learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need many of us were told it was wrong to say no that it was wrong to stand up for ourselves an alcoholic parent or spouse will gladly teach us these rules we've been too willing to learn and accept them many of us have been controlled by one or more of the family rules i discussed earlier the rules say don't think don't feel don't talk about problems don't be selfish don't trust don't have fun and don't change some of us have had to follow these rules to protect ourselves to survive however i believe most of us are afraid to tell people who we are because we don't believe it's okay to be who we are talking clearly and openly isn't difficult in fact it's easy and fun start by knowing that who you are is okay your feelings and thoughts are okay your opinions count it's okay to talk about your problems and it's even okay to say no you can say what you mean and you can mean what you say if you don't know what you mean you can be quiet and think about it until you do if your answer is i don't know you can say i don't know learn to be concise stop taking people all around the block get to the point and when you make it stop you can talk about your problems you're not being disloyal to anyone by revealing who you are and what kinds of problems you're working on all you're doing is pretending by not being who you are share your secrets with trusted friends who won't use these secrets against you or shame you you can make appropriate decisions about who to talk to how much to tell them and when the best time to talk is you can express your feelings openly honestly appropriately and responsibly let others do the same learn the words i feel let others say those words and learn to listen not fix when they tell you what they feel you can say what you think learn to say this is what i think your opinions can even be different than other people's opinions that doesn't mean you're wrong you can say what you expect without demanding that other people change to suit your needs you can express your wants you can express your needs you can tell the truth lying about what you think how you feel and what you want isn't being polite it's lying you don't have to be controlled by what other people say you don't have to try to control them with your words you don't have to be manipulated coerced or forced into anything you can open your mouth and take care of yourself learn to say i love you but i love me too and this is what i need to do to take care of me you can as ernie larson says learn to ignore nonsense you can refuse to talk to someone's illness whether it's alcoholism or any other compulsive disorder if it doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense you don't have to waste your time trying to make sense out of it or trying to convince the other person that what he or she said didn't make sense learn to say i don't want to discuss this you can be assertive and stand up for yourself without being aggressive or abrasive learn to say this is as far as i go this is my limit i won't tolerate this you can show compassion and concern without rescuing learn to say i'm sorry you're having that problem then let it go you don't have to fix it you can discuss your feelings and problems without expecting people to rescue you either you can settle for being listened to that's what most of us want anyway one common complaint i hear from codependents is nobody takes me seriously take yourself seriously if you balance that with an appropriate sense of humor you won't have to worry about what anyone else is or isn't doing you need to listen to what people are saying and what they aren't saying learn to listen to yourself your tone of voice the words you choose the way you express yourself and the thoughts going through your mind it's called self-awareness take responsibility for your communication let your words reflect high self-esteem and esteem for others be honest be direct be open be gentle and loving when that's appropriate be firm when the situation calls for firmness above all else be who you are and say what you need to say angry feelings are a part of almost everyone's life children feel anger teenagers feel anger adults feel angry sometimes anger plays a small part in our lives and it presents no particular problem we blow off steam and we're done with it we go on with the business of living and the problem gets resolved that's usually not the case with co-dependence particularly if we're involved with an alcoholic or someone with another kind of serious problem anger can then become a large part of our lives it can become our lives the alcoholic is mad we're mad the kids are mad even the dogs mad everyone's mad all the time nobody ever seems to blow off enough steam even if we're not shouting even if we're trying to pretend we're not angry we're mad we give looks and do little things that give us away the anger sometimes explodes like a bomb but nobody ever gets done with it the alcoholic says how dare you become angry with me i'm the king i'll get angry with you but not the other way around the co-dependent says after all i've done for you i'll get mad anytime i please but silently the co-dependent wonders maybe the alcoholic is right how dare we get angry with the alcoholic there must be something wrong with us for feeling this way we deal another blow to our self-worth we add a little more guilt to the pile the anger is still there the problems don't get resolved the anger doesn't blow over it festers and boils even with the gift of sobriety or recovery from any ongoing problem the anger may and usually does linger usually it's reached a peak by the time the alcoholic gets help sometimes it gets worse the codependent may learn for the first time that it isn't his or her fault and feel angry at being tricked and lied to it may be safe for the first time for the codependent to feel and express anger things may have calmed down enough for the co-dependent to realize how angry he or she actually is this can cause more conflicts the alcoholic may want to start fresh now that he or she has begun a new life so the alcoholic says how dare you get angry now we're starting over and the co-dependent replies that's what you think i'm just getting started then everyone feels guilty because everyone feels angry they feel cheated and mad because sobriety didn't bring the joy it had promised it wasn't the turning point for living happily ever after don't misunderstand it's a lot better when people become sober but sobriety isn't a magical cure for anger and relationship problems the old anger burns away and new anger fuels the fire the chemical or problem can no longer be blamed although it often still is the chemicals can no longer be used to medicate the angry feelings often codependents can no longer even get the sympathy and nurturing they need from friends the friends think it's wonderful that the alcoholic has quit drinking or the problem has been solved and once more the co-dependent asks what's wrong with me can't i forgive and forget anger may be a commonplace emotion but it's tough to deal with most of us haven't been taught how to deal with it people may give us good advice advice like be angry but don't sin don't let the sun go down on your anger or don't seek revenge but these pearls of wisdom don't mean much to most of us some of us even think this advice means don't be angry many of us aren't sure what we believe about anger some of us believe lies here are some suggestions for dealing with anger give yourself permission to feel angry when you need to give other people permission to feel angry too it's okay to feel angry feel the emotion it's only emotional energy it's not right or wrong feel any underlying emotions too such as hurt or fear acknowledge the thoughts that accompany the feeling preferably say these thoughts aloud examine the thinking that goes with the feeling hold it up to the light see if there are any flaws in it watch for patterns and repetitive situations make a responsible decision about what if any action you need to take figure out what your anger is telling you is your anger indicating a problem in you or is there a problem in your environment that needs attention do you need to change do you need something from someone else much anger comes from unmet needs perhaps you could ask for what you need instead of feeling angry because your needs can't be met don't let anger control you if you find yourself being controlled by anger you can stop it detach go to another room or to another house get peaceful you decide how you want to handle your anger don't let your anger decide how you will behave openly and honestly discuss your anger when it's appropriate be aware of how you approach people though anger frequently begets anger you can feel your feelings think your thoughts figure out what you need from a person and then express your needs instead of shouting take responsibility for your anger you can say i feel angry when you do this but not you made me mad you don't have to say the words exactly right you can be yourself just understand that you are responsible for your angry feelings even if they are an appropriate reaction to someone else's inappropriate behavior talk to people you trust talking being listened to and being accepted by another person really helps clear the air another person's acceptance may help you accept yourself remember you can't move forward until you accept where you are today burn off the anger energy clean the kitchen play softball exercise go dancing anger is extremely stressful and it helps to physically discharge that energy don't mentally or emotionally punch yourself or others for feeling angry don't let other people hit you or abuse you in any way when they feel angry don't hurt other people when you're angry seek professional help if abuse has occurred write letters you don't intend to send once your anger is down on paper it's easier to get past the guilt and figure out how to deal with it if you're suffering from depression this exercise may help with that too deal with guilt get rid of all the unearned guilt guilt doesn't help god will forgive you for anything you've done you can learn to forgive yourself too the final recovery concept i want to discuss on this tape concerns finding and connecting with the higher power the idea of a higher power comes from alcoholics anonymous it can mean god as we understand him or any power outside of ourselves that can help us there are two powers greater than myself that i need to lean on regularly to stay sane god in the 12-step program whenever i quit leaning i get crazy my higher power makes all the recovery concepts work in my life one change i have had to make is to stop using religion as a vehicle to further my co-dependent behaviors i had to stop asking my higher power to help me control and caretake others and start asking him to help me take care of myself recovery from codependency can be freeing exciting and even fun it feels good to take care of ourselves codependency is painful recovery is learning to stop the pain but recovery is also a process sometimes a slow one of awareness acceptance and change how do we start this process how do we begin recovery if we've gotten into the dark muck of habitual self how do we take those first steps towards self-care let me tell you how i started when i bottomed out on my co-dependency i became so depressed i couldn't get out of bed in the morning and do simple things like applying makeup and combing my hair i just couldn't get going one morning when i was in the bathroom trying to force myself into starting the day my son ran in mom come quick healed come right now i followed him what he wanted to show me was a raging fire that was consuming my bedroom flames licked the ceiling and curtains i tried using a fire extinguisher but the fire was out of control by the time the fire department arrived my home was gutted and my possessions gone i had lost everything before the fire i had been feeling as low and stuck as i thought a person could feel but the fire deepened my despair however in the days and months that followed something good happened the process of rehabilitating my house helped me rehabilitate me it forced me out of my lethargy it forced me to start thinking the physical activity helped me deal with my feelings the more decisions i made the more good decisions i made my self-esteem started to rise before i knew it i was living my own life and it felt pretty good i didn't want to stop and i realized that if it hadn't been for my codependency i may never have found myself and my life how do you start start with who you are start where you are and if you need to light a fire under yourself to get going you're worth it