my entire mind was occupied by combat I found that you know I had reached at the stage where where I was hugging my own child and I realized I'm pretending to love him I was not an ambitious person so to speak ambition you know ambition is all about getting somewhere becoming something and things like that so my ambition uh in every which way God sorted out the day I cleared my probation and [Music] in fact I I didn't get badge for quite some time so anyway so the day the day I I joined my unit and I got selected in in nayantara and after that that was the end end of it there was nowhere I wanted to go or become there was nothing after that achievements or whatever ambition that I had in my mind was over and that's how it remained even now I have no ambition right so uh and then whatever for more than a decade I operated and uh and then uh I reached I reached a pinnacle of of what I what I felt was uh meaningful to me right that's for me it was to become a team Commander to command a team in in combat right the highest level so I reached there I stayed there at that level for about two and a half years and uh uh [Music] when I was finishing my role as a team Commander somehow you know things have happened there's a way where when when you are rising right when your Consciousness is expanding right so there's a way then there's a way where the universe and your mind they start merging so you start looking higher you start looking Beyond and what you have done so far becomes uh uh you want to evolve further right I had no nowhere to go after you peek out after that I had nowhere to go nothing to become nothing to do and I just uh what I realize is also that that um that other than my combatics what I was doing with my life professionally everything else around me had become a sham it had become a fake I was like pretending through life and I was able to continue this pretense right with people that I really really loved so much you know but but uh uh I was able to get through this whole you know uh fake style of thinking or fake style of being or whatever uh because my entire mind was occupied by combat because my entire being was occupied by that my entire uh uh what what to say meaning to life was attached to that the moment I grew out of that everything else fell that when I came back home that I had nothing to look at that I found that you know I had reached at the stage where where I was hugging my own child and I realized I'm pretending to love him there was no emotions nothing so and there was nothing to achieve nowhere to go nobody to love nothing take it so just no logical explanation to how I am alive there's just no there's no way so all of these experiences I was able to finally stop and start reflecting back at life and the same questions about who am I and what am I came up again right so and I had time to think so I thought I unpleased my life one by one all the relationships that I had all the incidents that I have gone through all all the bitterness that I carried all the happiness or sources of joy that I thought are meaningful all of these things one by one one by one I split them apart and thought thought through everything everything right