Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, Leprechauns, unicorns, two pretty best friends, and love. They don't exist, bro. I've looked far and wide. I've searched the depths of the valleys and the highs of the mountains. And yet still, one of the friends always got to be chopped, bro. But love, too, though, man. I've searched everywhere. I've scoured my hometown. I've gone from the coast of Mexico to the cities of Japan. But one way or another, I always just end up with nobody to love or or end up getting robbed by a gay homeless dude. I mean, I was down bad, bro. It got to the point I thought maybe I just wasn't meant to find a girlfriend. Maybe this was just a face only a mother could love. Ew, get that [ __ ] off the screen. What? Mom. So, I hopped on a flight to Barcelona, and this story takes place a few weeks ago. It's a new continent, new city with new people and maybe even a new girlfriend. And so as soon as I stepped foot on that Spanish soil, I downloaded Tinder and got the swiping, bro. Find [ __ ] swipe right, shoot, swipe right. Chop [ __ ] swipe right, bro. It's a numbers game. I done swiped so much my thumb had a six-pack and I ran out of girls to swipe on. But [ __ ] I mean, it's a numbers game. And since I pulled up solo dooo, I went and checked into a hostel. Now, if you don't know what a hostel is, it's pretty much like a little hotel, except you share your room with like six other [ __ ] But to be fair, you save a lot of money. And I low-key don't mind sleeping with some random dudes if it means I get some extra change in my pocket. You know what I'm saying? Uh, is 15 enough? Nah, nah. The hostel's like 30 something. Oh, no. I don't need a hostel. What? Wait, no, not like that, bro. Anyways, sleeping in that hostel was [ __ ] crazy, bro. Like, first night I got there, I hopped in my little twin bunk bed and closed the curtains and everyone was like, "All right, good night, boys. Love you, [ __ ] Love y'all, [ __ ] Yo, [ __ ] on the top right bunk. Say it back. Yeah. Uh, uh, good night. And, uh, I I love you. Love you too, bro. Lights out. So, the sun came up and my ass didn't get a drop of sleep. But regardless, I got out of bed, got some coffee, explored the city, hit the beach, got some food, all the normal [ __ ] you do when you're in a new city. But after a long day of tourist [ __ ] I went back to my room. I went back to our room. I hopped in my little bunk bed and prepared myself to open up Tinder after letting that [ __ ] cook for a solid 24 hours. And when I open that [ __ ] up, yo, I got 28 matches. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, bro. Thank Thank you, man. Yeah. Oh, hell no. Now, I'm going to keep it a buck. Initially that number 28 was looking mad nice until I clicked that [ __ ] and started looking through my matches and realized, yo, this [ __ ] is not a numbers game, bro. Like, you know you're cooked when the ch are sliding on you saying [ __ ] like, hey yo, I'm trying to put you in chains for real and then touch your stick, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm deleting this [ __ ] bro. And just as I'm about to give up on my dreams of finding my other half, I get a new match. It's Yvon. Straight dime. Certified fine [ __ ] bro. I had to slide in with some heat. So I'm like, yon? Nah, more like King Vaughn cuz I'm trying to take you to the OV marriage. Now that would be a crazy story. Opening bracket featuring the third closing bracket. And before I send her some absolute [ __ ] like that, she hits me with a hey. Oh, you know, no, that works. Uh, what's up? How are you? Great. How are you? And we end up having a marvelous conversation. We share a bunch of beliefs, perspectives, and above all, we got the same taste in music. So, I'm like, you free tomorrow? Yeah, I'm free tomorrow. What's your favorite food? Um, I'm a drinks type of girl. Say less, I know a place. I don't know [ __ ] I literally just got here, bro. Okay, see you tomorrow. And just like that, I just got myself a date. I'm coming. Nah, you can't come. It's my date, bro. Oh, hell no. So that night, I did a little research and found the coolest bar in Barcelona. But when I went to make a reservation online, they only do in-person virtual cues. So instead, I went to sleep. Ever? So the next day, I woke up with some pep in my godamn step. I looked at some fire architecture. I hit a mean leg day, ate some gas, Spanish food, and before I knew it, it was time to get ready for my date. So, I hopped in the shower, put on my toughest fit, sprayed on a little Valentino, hopped in the Uber, and arrived at the bar 30 minutes early. So, this way, I could join the virtual queue in order to get into the bar at 900 p.m. sharp. So, I'm waiting outside and fine [ __ ] messages me like, "Yo, I'mma be a little bit late. I'm still doing my hair." And I'm all like, "That's no problem. I know some people. I can make some calls. Don't worry about it. So, I walk up to the security out front like, "Yo, so uh so fine [ __ ] says she's going to be a little bit late. Can I uh can I change the time or something?" Nah, bro. Just rejoin. I bet. So, I rejoin, go sit outside, and wait. And then I get another text message. I'm so sorry, but my makeup took longer than I thought. So, uh I'mma be a little bit little extra late. So, I walk up, rejoin the queue, and security's like, "Yo, what's going on?" Ah, it's nothing. Uh Fit's makeup took a little longer than expected, you Hey, listen, man. This fine [ __ ] of yours, uh, you sure she's even coming? Nah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, of course that's fine [ __ ] She's coming. So, I go back and sit down outside. But looking back, I definitely gave her the benefit of the doubt. But that that was her first red flag. So, now it's about 9:40 p.m. and I get a text message from Ivonne that reads, "I'm here." So, I go to link with Ivonne for the moment of truth. whether or not I'm about to go on a date with fine [ __ ] or 50-year-old at neck bearded catfish [ __ ] And fortunately for me, no catfish. Yo. Hey, what's up? Now, the virtual queue still had 10 minutes before we could get in. So, we go and sit down outside and have a little chat. And it's a great conversation. We got a lot to talk about and the vibes are there. So, you could travel to Barcelona alone. What? What do you do? Is it daddy's money? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's daddy's money. Ah, okay. Interesting. But I'm daddy. Yeah. Now I need to drink some alcohol. Yeah. No, me too. Me too. Me too. Me too. My phone beeps and it's our turn to go inside. But this is no regular bar. So I'm like, "Yo, just follow me." So we enter this pastrami shop. I open the fridge. We go inside and we go through this tunnel that leads us to the bar. We order our drinks and continue talking. Okay. So if it's not daddy's money, then then what do you do? And so obviously I just told her like only fans you're lying. I am dead ass serious. My meat is all over the worldwide net. What? No way. Show me. Oh [ __ ] Like no. Oh [ __ ] Maybe after a few drinks. You know what I'm saying? And right on time our drink showed up and my [ __ ] my [ __ ] was radioactive, bro. Like like here's a picture. There are no filters or effects on that [ __ ] And I'm not going to lie, it tasted exactly how it looked. But regardless, I'm tanking that [ __ ] and I don't know what it is. But that shitty ass drink was giving me superpowers, bro. That [ __ ] had me cooking up the greatest answers to her questions possible, bro. Okay, so if you had one wish, what would it be? Damn, that's a good question. Uh [ __ ] Okay, if I had one wish, period cramps. What? I would rid the world of period cramps, man. I hate the fact that they exist. Just even thinking about it, like, ooh. Ooh, they sure do get me riled up, man. I hate them. Wait, me too. Nah, that's crazy. We have so much in common. And from that moment on, I could tell she took down her guard and got comfortable cuz she started saying [ __ ] like, "Uh, this guy from my school is obsessed with me and he won't stop snapping me." Damn. May, maybe you should stop responding or some [ __ ] She snaps a picture of us and captions that [ __ ] He getting it and you nod. Lol. Red flag number two. What kind of anime villain origin story are you trying to create for this [ __ ] bro? But I digress. We order the second round of drinks, but as she's sipping that [ __ ] I can hear an accent starting to form in her speech. So, I'm like, "Yo, where's this accent coming from?" Oh, yeah. No, when I drink, my French accent starts coming out. And I kid you not, she went from one drink sounding like, "Yeah." So, so my favorite food is pasta to drink four dead ass talking like, "Actually, I changed my mind. My favorite food is shy turned from fine [ __ ] to French [ __ ] so fast. I I didn't even know who I was on a date with at this point." And then she hits me with a I'll be right back. She grabs my face and hits my ass with a big ass smooch. Now that [ __ ] took me a bag. I was not expecting it. However, maybe it's just a culture thing. Maybe it's normal for her. So, I can't say that it's a real red flag. So, she's still in the game. And when she comes back, she's like, "Yo, James, let's go to the beach. Say less." So, we're walking down to the beach and she says some [ __ ] like, "So, when's the next date?" "Oh, it's on Saturday at 6 p.m. Oh, no. I'm not free on Saturday." Oh, you mean date with you? Yeah. No, this is the last one. Now, I said it as a joke, but she wanted to get all mad and [ __ ] and storm off. Now, in this situation, I have two options. Option A is chase after her and beg her to stay, and option B is standing there like an absolute peak male specimen to the point the gravitational pull of my testosterone retrieves her back to the very location she left. And I went with option B. And she came back. Bro, you're supposed to chase after me. It's like a French thing. Ah, okay. I'm I'm uh I'm not French, bro. So, we continue with our walk and I'm cracking jokes, entertaining her and [ __ ] But honestly, that little stunt Shorty pulled back there was red flag number three for me, bro. So, at this point, at this point, I'm not in it for the game of love. I am simply just in it for the love of the game, bro. So, we arrive at Barcelonetta Beach. We sit down and at this point it's about 1:00 a.m. but we're still chatting having a good time. But out of the corner of my eye, I see a man hooded up walking towards us from the darkness. And as bros approaching, I'm ready for anything. I'm getting ready to take a stand, throw some hands, get in the sand. Should I even go banan? But if this dude gets any closer, I'd be damned. And this [ __ ] hits us with a drive by compliment. You have a very beautiful girlfriend. Aw, thank you. Uh, thank thank you. Damn. Do you think he'll find a girlfriend beautiful like me? Yeah. No, he seems like a great dude. I'm sure he could find somebody. What? I said, "Yeah, nah. He seems like a like a nice fella." This girl slaps the [ __ ] out of me and says, "You're supposed to say nobody's as beautiful as me." Bro, in this moment, I had never been so unattracted to a girl in my life. Am I tripping? Or did you just slap the [ __ ] out of me? And then she tries to kiss me again talking about I'm sorry. Nah. What? No. What? And even after getting my [ __ ] absolutely Will Smith, I'm still trying to be polite. Like, listen, I don't kiss girls on the first date. You don't kiss girls on the first date? Yeah. So, you're telling me for a living your occupation is laying down that pipe on film and then proceeding to post it online and you can't kiss me type [ __ ] And she storms off, bro. But I know exactly what to do to solve this problem. So, why stand there like an absolute peak male specimen to conjure up that same gravitational pull? And she's still walking, bro. She She just kept walking. She got on the bus. She dipped, bro. She She left. Damn. And as the bus disappears in the distance, I hear a [ __ ] say, "Yo, you from here?" Nah, nah, I'm I'm just visiting. A [ __ ] Okay, us too. You know where the good clubs are at? Yeah. I mean, I heard all the good ones are like right there, bro. Oh [ __ ] Bet. Okay. We're about to go hit those if you're trying to pull up, bro. Say less. So these two random ass dudes I just met and I start heading to the club together and I'm like, "Yo, where you guys from, by the way? We're from France." Yo, that's crazy. I just had a date with a French girl. Oh, no way. How'd it go? Ah, [ __ ] You know, you know, I think it went pretty good. That's what's up. That's what's up. Yeah. So, um, so why is your cheek so red? Oh, I mean, she just slapped the [ __ ] out of me. Wait, she what? Nah, I mean, it's probably just a French thing. You know what I'm saying? Nah, nah, nah, nah, not a French thing. You just got assaulted. A [ __ ] So, me and the new French homies pull up to the club and it's jumping, bro. We start taking shots, shooting shots, airballing shots. And then I get a bunch of voice messages from Ivonne talking about Oh, the good feelings I had for you are gone. You are a literal piece of [ __ ] Go get AIDS filming for Only Fans, [ __ ] Oh, hell yeah. Respond. And I'm drunk as hell trying to say a nice response like you know like it's really like it really is the type of [ __ ] where like like type [ __ ] like and the French homies take my phone and start cooking her ass in French. Now I didn't understand a single word that came out of their mouths but it sounded like homies just dropped a careerending diss track on her. And I say that cuz as soon as she opened it, she blocked my ass, bro. Hey bro, you know what they say. What do they say? Getting blocked's a whole lot better than getting cocked. What? There there is no way they say that. Oh, threeman alert. Three man alert. So, the two homies start laying down that French wrist and that [ __ ] hit so hard. I just got a free entry, bro. Hey, hey, uh, English room for one more. So, the six of us absolutely [ __ ] the club up. Went out for some 4:00 a.m. churros dipped in chocolate. And man, that [ __ ] hit harder than Man, that [ __ ] hit harder than Ivonne, bro. So, at the end of the day, even if I didn't end up finding love in Barcelona, there is one thing I did find. I did find out how Chris Rock felt. God damn. [Music]