do you ever give a perm to someone and ever regret it uh an has told me repeatedly not to get a perm but Ann's not here so when the Ann's away the mice get perms the vote is in an hour okay we need to have an emergency strategy session now what about the perm the perm must wait Autumn the perm must wait yeah love the hair do you hear that galloping what oh my look at that Joe Biden on a horse shirtless that's amazing hello Orin thank you so much for applying now leave hey give him a chance what makes you qualified for animal control I studied zoology in college and I can control animals with my mind get out I made you say that I liked them you undercook fish believe or not jail you overcook chicken also jail undercook overcook you make an appointment with a dentist and you don't show up Believe It or Not jail right away we have the best patience in the world because of jail D do I look like I drink water one question hold on oh my God sorry April is the best but she's 20 when April was born I was already in in third grade which means if we were friends back then I'd have been hanging out with a baby I don't know anything about infant care my God I could have killed her Pan's police chief is retiring and I'm trying to get his endorsement before he goes I'm really nervous because I need this for my campaign and Ben is really nervous because he is afraid of cops I'm not afraid of cops I have no reason to be I never break any laws ever because I'm deathly afraid of cops I bought this Mac roll the Supermarket I've been standing in the water with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes I saw it an episode of I Love Lucy pathetic maybe but feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me that came out wrong imagine what time would have said damn Jerry you jumped in a creek for burrito what' you do for a clondike bar kill your wife NOA it's like whatever you want like $10 it don't matter well I reckon it's just like Grammy Mera told me and my cousins you can't eat the biscuits if you don't pay for the flow and my husband Ben is a progressive champion of women's rights babe the oven's ready Chop Chop time to get bacon daddy want pie hi Ben Wyatt thank you all for being here let's get started wow great attitude Ron sorry I was talking to these ribs okay so the Valentine's Day dance is planned prepped and under budget this is my friend Madison she's amazing and she drove me here okay this ain't going to work okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you this spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy I'm down to one word a minute and the word is perlus club because I can't fly spaceships there are three acceptable haircuts tight crew cut buzz cut are the scissors broken in your house son like this what's this Tom um those are of course Tomatoes or Soulja Boy Tums whenever Leslie asked me for the Latin names of any of our plants I just give her the names of rappers and those over there uh those are some diddies got some uh Bone Thugs and harmoniums right here growing beautifully those ludicrous are coming in great hunting trip we're doing a trail survey like you're literally listening to turkey calls is this is this not rap you fallen into a classic trap Christopher trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are why are you yelling Tom put all my records into this rectangle the songs just play one right after the other this is an excellent rectangle then there is a horrifying 512 o version that they call child size how is this a child size soda well it's roughly the size of a 2-year-old child if the child were liquefied it's a real bargain at 159 oh yeah give me your booze I am nourished by your hatred take out your guide book oh I didn't bring a guide book oh I brought you one you did yeah thank you now throw it away as Leslie nope is your guide book I didn't didn't mean literally some notes in it okay grab the book and let's hit the National Mall there's a mall that's awesome I need to get some flip-flops so you've had soy milk and almond milk now try the hottest new craze beef milk it's like almond milk that's been squeezed through tiny holes in living cows milk no no okay Ben Wyatt hello uh hi lesie good to see you too wow you're really burning up can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please sure how much I'm not sure I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it wow do you know the exchange rate now is this part going to have a playground or you know maybe a pool for the kids oh uh how old are your kids no kids uh-oh I'm going to put him down as a yes don't do that also is the park going to be at least 1,000 ft from my house because you I really can't move again April please stand behind me that's it that's all that's all we got no flyer nope we live together and work together and we are so in in syn that we finish each other's sentences we rehears that at home naked in bed we've been on a couple of dates I really like them the problem is he's like a perfect human man I can't find one flaw there was one time I thought he farted but it was me I have a press conference about the pony comments in 2 hours so I need go through every email that I've ever sent ever I need to know what they might use against me you can't hack into a typewriter that's all I have to say can it Unabomber this is an [Music] [Music] emergency is that what happened per none of that happened that is exactly what happened oh boy here it comes 911 and we're walking okay I brought some burgers and fries eat up the protein soaks up the sugar first you take the cow to The Killing Floor you know in Russia they could pretend that pit was a park bring their kids down there hey Vlad uh look at these rocks let's pretend they're potatoes Nicolai do you want to swim in the dirt she did make a stop by the Sho shine stand before we left because she wanted to drop something off for Andy she had a real bad crush on him oh babe you had a crush on me that's embarrassing we're married still I've never taken the high road but I tell other people to cuz then there's more room for me on the low road yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed with the triple 3 bolts Mac that was nonsense I know but it's so fun to talk like that luxury dog park do you want to tell us anymore poodles only no pooping these waffles made great dog laxitives don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop simu can need to make there you go Leslie how dare you get her Leslie [Applause] this place is outstanding great call Lesly no look even Ben's dancing I had to pull a lot of strings to get this meeting so please no one embarrassed me Ben put on something decent like a tux Andy You're hopeless just take a shower I already took what I call a dwire shower I rub my armpits with air fresheners new car I have enjoyed parts of our time together oh God Ron that was really something this is a map of all the atrocities the ponni settlers inflicted upon the wamapoke Indians the atrocities are in blue Dr Sabin your son is my best friend he's like a brother to me but he's a disaster and your daughter seriously needs to be locked up in some sort of insane asylum on an island oh in space is this everybody an took a cab Tom's in the trunk Jerry's on the roof all right we two first your mother's butt I'm so alone if even one of you thinks about dry hav in my car you're all walking home [Music] yeah she died like 20 minutes after that oh come on Ron I'm just a little puppy I ain't done nothing wrong I'm just a puppy I like your mustach I wish I could have one but I can't cuz I'm just a little puppy I mean I'd do anything for Ron even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife but I think I'm safe she's got to be tired by now hi I was getting kind of sick of listening to Tom and an talk about their relationship but then I remembered that alcohol existed thank you alcohol it's going well so far but it's too early to tell he was pretty far gone oh no oh no I have to move right yeah I'm going to leave the country bye everybody bye Chris and Tom offered to help me train to become a police officer the physical exam is about 3 months away and I am in terrible shape but I can already do this so getting there there are two things I know about white people they love Matchbox 20 and they are terrified of curses personalized leopard printed robe pink feather cuffs and on the back in rhinestones you can get it you know why tonight's fun cuz everyone's so gay and they know how to have fun and the dancing just it's everyone is just who they are and who they are is just Stone Cold gay I will also take the sexy black one I am not surprised at all I've been to South America I did very well there I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Patterson was amazing I have tried to achieve external goals run a 4-minute mile climb Mount Everest but before I can do that I need to climb the Mount Everest of my mind I loved Andy loved him loved Andy he was a totally helpless baby when we met I dated him for 3 years now he's an adult the job and some other girl is going to reap the rewards of my hard work that's bullsh Joan has always been kind of a train wreck but the last 3 years she's gone off the deep end she did a string of shows from rehab Victoria Herzog you were a successful attorney from Wilmington Delaware then you hit rock bottom this is supposed to be anonymous she once gave every member in her audience a car one car that they all had to fight for oh and last year she did a show where she called all of her ex-boyfriends while sitting on a washing machine well Eric if you didn't give it to me then who did I love her so much I hope she's my real mom an was getting a little chummy when people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them that's a genius move thank you you're welcome Lester who are Gregory and Winona I've never heard of them before are they better Winona rocks my world seriously you need to get me in there like that's a must must must she's the worst person I've ever met I want to travel the world with her 364 days a year they wake me over the coals today I take those burning coals I shove them back down their throats and I watch their melting flesh drip off their worthless faces I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel toe boo but this hotel always serves bacon wrapped shrimp that's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food I'd go to a banquet in honor those Somali pirates if they serve bacon wrap shrimp excuse me I ate a brownie once at a party in college it was intense it's kind of indescribable actually I've felt like I was floating turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie it was just an insanely good brownie so sister soul sister going to get your phone sister Sweet Lady M [Laughter] [Music]