Sorry everybody, there is no video today. Sorry about that. But, I mean, since you're here already, why don't I tell you the story of a man called Bill Cheatler.
The year is 1983. Michael Jackson's thriller is tearing up the charts. The new family computer fami- Con is released in Japan and somewhere in Westfields, Missouri, a man is overseeing operations at the 14th largest Frito-Lay factory in America. His name is Bill Cheatler. Now Bill Cheatler was always a- a great student. He attended the Fontbonne University in Clayton, Missouri, where he pursued a degree in business administration.
As part of his education, he took on an internship at Frito-Lay, where he would work on the assembly line, dusting Lay's chips with onion powder and various preservative chemicals. Bill Cheatler became so dedicated to his work that his entire diet was exclusively dominated by snacks produced by the factory, for breakfast, Twinkies, for lunch, Funyuns, and for dinner ranch and lime flavored Fritos, which nobody would eat. I mean, these things were terrible and they would be discontinued months later.
But one day, the head of packaging comes into the factory and he sees Bill eating some of these ranch and lime Fritos. And he says, how can you eat that crap? And Bill says, well, I've actually altered the recipe. You see, by isolating the ranch flavor, you draw out the true energy of the chip.
Head of packaging takes a Frito. puts it in his mouth. He turns to Bill and he says, you are the genius of potato chips. It didn't take long for Bill Cheatler to rise through the company's ranks.
His passion for his work was intense and he would often stay at work late perfecting the recipes. for his latest treats. The factory was now closed. The machinery and lights turned off, except for Bill's office in the corner of the second floor.
Bill was developing a new flavor of Lay's chips called Smoking Honey Barbecue, but so far he could only replicate the flavor of ketchup. This isn't working. Bill was furious.
But then he heard an echoing thud. The sound seemed to come from the factory floor. Bill's heart started racing. Hello? He shouted out.
Is someone still out there? No response. Bill gazed out of his office door into the darkness of the factory.
But then... A faint blue glow appeared. Bill slowly arose from his chair and walked toward the door. A low humming could be heard.
He walked out into the darkness and drew closer and closer towards the mysterious glow. Until... Gahoo? Hello, Bill.
It was a small gnome holding a blue lantern. What are you doing in my factory? Bill asked the creature.
Ah, Bill, I'm a gnome. Grilbo gnome, to be particular. And I have come here seeking your assistance. I'm sorry, but I'm very busy.
I was just about to head home. Grab on to me hand, Bill. The gnome jumped up and grabbed Bill's hand and they went...
BOOM! SLEEP! The gnome was teleporting building to another time period they were surrounded by blue lasers and shit and it was like Bill awoke on what appeared to be a pirate ship.
Arrg matey! What are you doing on me ship? The SS Scubadungus!
Listen, I just work for Frito's company and I was tricked onto this ship by a little gnome. A- The captain and his crew burst into laughter. You have to listen to me, Silverbeard.
I did not choose to come here. No, you listen, Bill Cheater. You have cheated me out of me fee of passage.
Either pay up me. money or you'll have to travel in stowaway class bill reached into his wallet and hands over in silverbeard about three dollars and seventeen cents three dollars and seventeen cents just be a pittance just be a mockery this should be an insult listen you big asshole once we get to shore then i can go to an atm and i can pay you the rest of the money you don't have to worry about that go to shore he says it looks like you'll be traveling Stowaway, class! Stowaway, stowaway, stowaway, stowaway All the pirates started chanting. And where do stowaways go, me mateys?
Throw em overboard! Walk da plank, Mr. Bill! Bill is surrounded on all sides by pirates. He walks onto the plank. There's a bunch of sharks.
Under the boat And then... He bounces off the plank into the air And starts doing 300 front flips And then Bill pulls out a gun Starts shooting at the pirates OH FUCK Big ass battle break shot Bill is shooting And all the pirates who lands in the lookout party, you know the crow's nest or whatever the fuck that's called. Bill is getting the upper hand! Shake him out of the nest!
The pirates start shaking the big pole, trying to shake him out. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's wobbling all over, but then Bill spots a barrel on the main bow.
He's got only one bullet left. He takes aim. BAM! Rekt hit orange powder explodes from the barrel. Not me powder you fool!
You'll damn us all to hell! From the ocean floor a giant creature locks onto the delicious scent of powdered cheese. Pshhh! Da da daaa! A giant- Octopus master called Peter Octopus starts picking up pirates and throwing them into the sea Picking up everybody killing everybody shoot him with the harpoon, but sir he knocked over the harpoon Peter Octopus bites the captain's head off.
Jumps back into the ocean with the barrels. Everybody's dead. Except for Bill. Whoo! Oh brother, just what have I gotten myself into this time?
Bill climbs down from the crow's nest and tries to enter the captain's quarters in search of a map. Dang it, it's locked! Bill grabs a rope, ties it around the doorknob, and ties the other end around a cannon. Grr!
pushes the cannon overboard and it rips the door off its hinges. Inside, Bill scours through papers and trinkets until he finds a document labeled World Map. However, something isn't right. Why is this whole thing just blue?
North America, South America, Africa, Asia, Europe, Australia, Antarctica. None of them are represented on the map. This cannot be. Hey, let me out of here.
Bill heard someone yelling in the distance. Where are you? Help me. Help.
Looking through the monkey bars on the floor, you know how pirate ships have that part? He could see what appeared to be a large ape. Who are you, creature? The ape was big and brown, with funny hair and a big red tie. My name is Dylan Kane.
I'm a talking monkey, but I can only talk to you once. Bill felt he could trust Dylan and let him out of his prison. Thank you, great warrior. Dylan bowed to Bill in a sign of respect. Can you steer the ship towards land, Mr. Kane?
But there is no land, my liege. What do you mean? What happened to all of our lands?
Dylan Kane closed his eyes and entered a trance-like state. Thousands of years ago, the civilizations of man fell into ruin, their great cities engulfed by the oceans surrounding them. At the height of the war, of their powers, humanity sought to combine the elements of cheese and corn into a sort of crunchy, food-like substance. The global leaders poured the planet's resources into mastering this technology, sacrificing the lives of millions in vain. Hundreds of wars broke out on the surface while those in power dug deep.
deep into the Earth's core. In their desperation, they turned to a man called Kilgore Prime, a powerful Sith Jedi who was half robot, half orc, and he had laser vision. Kilgore Prime was granted access to the Rod of Destiny, but he betrayed the humans and summoned a giant wave, destroying everything in its path. Only pockets of humanity survived the orcus-wurcus flood, and now we sail around the world.
looking for corn to eat. Only you, Bill Cheetle, have the power of the summoner to defeat Galactus Prime and save the world from its final reckoning. Bill was stunned. But I'm just a manager of a food processing factory in Shitston, Ohio.
How can I ever defeat Galactus? Quick, defeat Galactus. There he is.
Bill Cheetle, you think you can face me in my domain? Dude transforms into a big-ass robot and starts shooting big-ass fucking lasers and shit. He's a fucking robot. Die, Galactus bastard! Aw shit, Galactus has hundreds of powers!
Grab onto my belt, Bilbo! Bil shoots a grapple hook onto the moon as they're swinging around the moon! Grillbo, if I don't make it, tell Donkey Kong I love him.
Bill launches himself like a missile through the heart of Galactus and kills his stupid fucking head off. Well, Darth, looks like your reign of terror is over. Then all the little Ewoks started dancing. Come on, Grillbo, let's go home. Bill woke up in his bed back in Iowa.
Was it all a dream? He had breakfast, took a shower, and started walking to work. He saw old man Jenkins walking his beagle. Hi Bill. The baker, Patissimo, was putting loaves of bread in his storefront window.
Hi Bill. And then... Who did Bill bump into but Chester Cheetah? Here you go, Bill.
Here is my secret recipe. Bill Cheetah went into work excited for the first time in his life. He took a weird-looking corn chip and started pouring mac and cheese powder on top of it.
His employees looked at him confused. Sir, what are you doing? Making Cheetos, Grillbo. Making Cheetos. So yeah, sorry about that guys.
I'll try getting a video for tomorrow.