Thank you for watching! God damn it. Hey mom. You bought this phone, no one else has this number. It's fine.
Just let most of the flight. You were supposed to meet me here ten minutes ago. Yes ma'am.
Yes ma'am. I will give it to him first thing. I promise.
I love you too. Hey around guy! What the hell are you wearing? Get in the car before the locals think the imperialists have returned.
Come here! Dick. Did you see the ass on that girl back there? Well, I think it was a girl. But you gotta be careful out here, man.
A lot of chicks with dicks. I thought we were in a hurry. Alright, let's get this Marcus Brother adventure started.
Porkchop Express! Dude, put this on. Still with the weak stomach, Private?
Sergeant, please. What's this? Pepto.
It's green. Just drink it. Thanks.
It's a fucking crazy place. You gotta pay attention. Quit talking to me.
I'm trying to drive. You dick. FYI, there's a tiger out here that the locals call Lion-O the DONG Eater. Funny. The henchman gets up to go kick his ass, but before he gets to him, the Joker slams a pencil down at the table and he says, I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.
Like a magic trick. And... Holy shit. Chicken crates. So what?
Just drive around it. Somebody's gotta move them. Trucks are so packed, they fall off all the time.
Did they just leave them here? Yeah, sort of a take a penny, leave a penny sort of thing. Did you hear that?
Dude, be careful. I know, I know. I'll keep a lookout for the dong-eating lion. Tiger, actually, but I was talking about snakes.
Shit. Some fancy footwork, Sally. I can't believe you're still that scared of snakes. Hey, Alex.
Check this out, man. This is rotor housing for a Huey. Yeah, it's Nam.
There's war trash everywhere. Congratulations. Toss it back in the jungle. Let's go.
Are you kidding? Kid could get hurt with this. There's a kid out there who's got bigger problems, all right?
And trust me, the kids here are a lot smarter than you. Come on. I want to hear how the Joker got his scars.
Whatever. What was there? You are gonna love this place. Great view of the valley, a lot of tiny women. Trust me.
I hear Brian proposed to George. They got married a little while ago. Those cocksuckers didn't even invite me.
I'm not sure they like being called that. That's not the PC turn? Fair enough. Did you go?
Nah, the ceremony was in Delaware. But they threw a ridiculous party when they came back. Jeez.
Be money throws the best ragers. How about you? Just enjoying life. Plus, school keeps me pretty busy.
Still can't believe you're teaching. You like it? Actually, I do. Kids are great.
That's bullshit. Seriously. I love them, man. Sometimes it's like they're teaching me. Wow man, that's really cool actually.
I'm fucking with you. Kids are idiots. That's more like my horrible brother.
I do like the job though. The pay is good, gives me plenty of time to fuck around and travel. The best part is messing with the kids.
The kids will believe anything you tell them. Like, this one little turd left Dong Lan, but I told my class that he just refused to do his homework, so I had no choice but to feed him and his entire family to the tiger. The entire family.
Absolutely. But I do like convincing them that things can be different. You know that the world can be better than just this fucked up place that they wake up to every day. Good luck with that.
Whatever you do, do not look the cook in the eye. I'll explain later. Let's cross here. Remember, over here, they're all Asian drivers. Good evening, Vietnam!
Man, I bet you've been making that joke for the last four years. Every single day. Enough.
Popular. Yeah, Yahtzee. That is good.
Damn straight. Starts off with a little fire, ends with a little tickle in your nuts. What is it?
I don't even really know. I think it's like ancient Vietnamese moonshine. Where'd you get it?
Well, when I first moved here I planted a garden. And just when it started to produce, something started picking at all my herbs and vegetables. So I asked around, but nobody else was having the same problem.
But every few days I would wake up and all sorts of stuff would be missing. So I wake up one night, and I look out my window, and there's this old lady in my garden, just creeping around. She must have been about a thousand years old.
What she'd do is she'd look for really specific ingredients, and when she found what she wanted, she'd just scurry off into the jungle. Got up the next day and looked for a path, but couldn't find one. Man, if she ends up being a ghost, I swear I'm gonna kick you in the ass.
Dude, shut up. Alright. You know, I don't believe in that stuff. And you also know I have a huge need to know exactly what's going on. Unfortunately, I do.
So, I get a bag full of what I thought to be her favorites, and I left it outside. I waited for five nights in a row, and nothing. On the sixth night, I accidentally fell asleep.
When I woke up, it was still night outside. And I looked where I'd left the bag. I was on there.
A few yards to the left, there's the old lady holding the bag in her gnarled old hand. She beckons for me to follow her. And of course you go. Absolutely. She leads me down this little path.
Doesn't say a word to me the entire time. And then we get to this little hut. Jeez, the inside was fucking crazy.
There's so much crazy shit in there, man. It was like a place that you could go to buy a fetus in a jar or a mogwai. She grabs this huge bottle.
I think it was heavy. But she hands it out to me like it's a feather. And when I grab the bottle, dust it off, and I swear there's little people swimming around inside.
Like so small you couldn't tell if they were happy to be there or not. What happened after that? I took the bottle and walked home as fast as I could.
You know? I've been saving it for a special occasion ever since. Did you ever go back? Couldn't find the path. Man, that shit's crazy.
You know what the creepiest part is? I never had a garden. You're a dick. Yeah.
You are a dick. Just like old times. It's been way too long. Here's dog shit in your eye.
You should have come back home, man. God damn it. Come on, Alex.
You had to know that we were going to talk about this. Yeah. Yeah, I did. So why didn't you come?
Because I didn't want to deal with all the bullshit. All the talk of carrying on the family tradition and the legacy and which brother gets the lighter. I don't give a shit.
You know? I don't want to sit there and listen to everyone say, oh, you've got big shoes to fill. Your dad was such a great man.
Yeah, I know he was a great man. He was my dad. You still should have come.
He knew I admired him. He wasn't the one that needed you there. Was mom mad? Yeah.
What did she tell you about? She said that you're off saving the world, helping poor Vietnamese kids, and that she's oh so proud. Of course. Who gave the eulogy? Uncle William.
Oh shit. Well I bet that turned out well. Yeah right.
He started ranting about how colon cancer was created by the gays and his kids ended up having to drag him off the stage. It was great. Well, at least he didn't say nigger again.
Best. Grace. Ever. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I don't know man, I'm an idiot.
It's cool man. Well, I know your job won't allow you to smoke, but all I do all day is sit around with little kids whose development I've been interested with. Shit man, I fear for them. What the hell is that thing? That's some special stuff my buddy Mars cooked up.
It's delicious. You wanna try it? No. Just the tip?
You don't want to put it in your mouth a little? Just the tip? Just the tip?
Shut up. I won't tell anyone. Drink. Go ahead. Oh.
Thank you. Get squared away Ranger Rick, let's do this! I don't need a shave, let's just go.
Oh shit! That was lucky. Yeah man, you almost killed that guy. Nah man, food cart guys make the best grub and I'm starving.
Come on. Come on! You're gonna love this.
Xin chao. Xin chao. Hi. I'll go back to my room.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here, come here. No, I'm out. It's just gross because it's new. It's a state of mind.
Yeah, no, it's gross because it's chicken feet. Trust me. He says he can get you some American pig after. Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got it.
You know what? Why don't you taste my American hot dog? How about that? Hot dog. Yeah?
Oh, good. Don't answer it. I have to.
Don't. Hey, Mom. Okay. He's coming, one sec. Alex.
Alex, you gotta... Alex, take the... You little bastard, get back here. Ah.
Eh, dig, dig, dig. Come on. You smell bad, boy. Oh, you little shit.
Bob, we should not be here! This is bad! Bob! This is dangerous!
Get back here! We need to get out of here! Bob!
We gotta get out of here. Where's the kid? The fuck just happened, man?
The kid fucking blew up! Okay. Walk out of here exactly the way you walked in.
I think we should just... What? I think I just stepped on a landmine.
Fuck me. Stay there. I'm gonna go get help, okay?
Fuck you, man! You're not leaving me here! Okay.
Never mind. I'm not going anywhere. Good. Now get over here and help me probe around this thing. I can't.
I think I just stepped on one too. That is not fucking funny, Alex. Stop fucking around and help me get off this thing. Help! Help!
Someone help! We need help! There's land mines! Bob.
Help us! Bob! What? No one can hear us. That asshole cook might still be close.
Help! Bob! They didn't hear the explosion. They can't hear us.
So we do nothing, huh? I'm just saying panicking doesn't help. We're standing on land mines. Okay. What's that thing you guys got in the military where you're trying to figure stuff out?
Reconnaissance. Yeah, okay, let's do some recon. How do we do that?
Assess the situation. Identify threats, inventory assets, plan objectives. Let's recon the shit out of this.
You're an idiot. Focus on the mines. What can you tell me?
Well, we can be sure that these mines are Vietnam era. How do you know that? Otherwise we'd already be in pieces.
Pieces? Modern mines don't use release triggers. Gotcha. I don't see any identifying marks, but it's probably American. But you can see yours?
Dude, I don't see anything. Maybe I just stepped on a stick and freaked myself out. Alex, this is not the time to be fucking around!
No, man, I think I'm okay. Alex, stop! What do you feel? Uh, just pressure.
Um, maybe it's just like a rock or something. Okay, uh, grab a stick and probe it into the ground. Carefully. Okay, it's pretty small.
Oh. Oh man, if I go deeper it gets pretty big. Okay, that's enough.
It sounds like it's a bouncing Betty. Likely Vietnamese. What the hell is a bouncing Betty? It's an anti-personnel mine.
First guy steps on it and then it shoots up into the air after he steps off of it and it blows up the entire unit. Fuck, this cannot be happening. Okay, I got it. Alright, I'm just gonna run.
What? Yeah, yeah, you said it's a delay. It comes up, and then it explodes. I...
I can get to that rock right there, and when it's done, I'll go for help. And if you do that, don't even bother getting help, because it's gonna tear me to shreds. Fuck! What are the chances of wandering into a minefield?
They're pretty fucking good, Bob! This shit happens every week here! Yeah, I got a fucking kid, mom, lost both her legs just walking home from the market. I guess soldiers don't stick around after the war to help clean up, do they?
Don't worry about mine. Start disarming yours. Do you happen to have a disposal kit in your pocket?
Alright, uh, I'll see what I can do with mine. Like for me, I got Rambo for a little brother, right? Man, we're so fucked! Everything's gonna be fine. Really?
How so? Eventually someone's gonna realize that the kid's missing. There's a village a little way up the road and his parents probably live there. When they come looking for him, they'll find us.
I totally forgot about that kid. Don't think about that. Alright?
Focus. Bob, quit looking! Look at me!
They're gonna bring their disarmament team. They're gonna get us off these, and we'll have our best story ever. You know, we'll tell them how stupid their fucking kid was, we'll turn it into like an after school special.
We'll make millions. You're so fucking evil. It's part of my charm. Can't wait to tell my unit about the time that I survived for days on nothing but chicken feet.
We won't last for days out here. Why is that? Is Lionel the DONG sucker gonna come and get us?
Tigers will only come around if we're wounded or bleeding. All right? If we're smart about it, we can stand for about 24 hours.
I've marched with over 100 pounds for 50 miles, no breaks. Standing around for a couple days is gonna be cake. You are moving, we're standing. Your muscles aren't gonna get the oxygen they need.
I plan to keep breathing. Breathe all you want? The muscles will eventually go into anaerobic shock and eventually they will start to spasm. Like seizures?
No, like cramps. And then you'll collapse. So we're basically treading water until we drown but on dry land.
Awful analogy, but yeah. Son of a bitch. Why didn't you say something?
Well, bro, this doesn't change anything. People are still gonna come get us. Well, I'm gonna come back and haunt that cook if this is my last meal. First thing I'm gonna do when we get off these things, I'll take you to this little joint I know. It's run by this really creepy old guy with a beard.
Fought in the war. Call him the Venerable Colonel. Is this restaurant at the end of some mysterious jungle path?
Actually, it's across the street. street from a artisan coffee bar. But he's got some magical ingredients, man.
What he does is he takes the drumsticks and the breast meat, and he mixes in what I can only assume is some sort of Vietnamese black magic, because it turns everything into mouthgasms. Oh, don't even get me started about the size, man. The best coleslaw, macaroni and cheese.
Man, the potatoes and gravy are the bomb. Alright, let me guess. The, uh, colonel's name is Sanders?
You know him? Ha, weird. Yeah. Best part is this chicken don't even have feet. All leaf, all day.
Make that shot, bitch ass. I don't want to play anymore. Just take your shot. I'm tired. What's the matter, air ball?
You afraid the army's gonna find out your grenade throwing skills or shit? Eee, yikes, I think that is an S. Wait, wait, wait, I'm getting it in.
Yes folks, that is indeed an S for Bob. Unfortunately, that means Big Dick Alex is only an E away from being King of the Jungle. You win, man, I quit.
Oh, this also just in. Bob Marcus has flipped over the game boi- and stormed off to his room like a little bitty girl. Tree, what do you think about that?
I think that's a really big black eye on the Time-Armor traditional horse. Stop, man. Well, Alex, I think you're right.
He's being quite a vagina. Bob is... Stop. Corporal Bob is a big ol'fuckin'bitch.
He's a real giant pussy. Stop, man! Fucking mine, you idiot! I was joking!
Fucking relax! Don't you ever get sick of the bullshit that fucking comes out of your mouth, man? I mean, come on, we're in the jungle! We're standing on decades-old explosives, and we're waiting for a family that we don't even know is coming.
And it's all because of you. Me? What?
You chased a kid into the jungle so you could talk to your mommy. I tried to stop you. I guess there were nowhere places for you to run away to in America, so you had to pick a country where you could blow up while going on a stroll.
What'd you fucking do? do use a dart? I wasn't running away man I moved here there's a difference.
All those stories and adventures they were the random times that you were at home the times that you were there on vacations or when you got kicked out of something but you were never really there. I went to boarding schools that's how that works. Why'd you go?
I wanted to. Bullshit, you were scared. Oh, okay, what was I scared of?
I still don't know. But what I do know is that you weren't there when a big brother was supposed to be. What are you talking about?
I was always looking after you, man. When that little shit was stealing your lunch money, I took him out behind the school and whipped his ass with his own lunchbox. That was third grade, Alex. Where were you when I got jumped in eighth grade? Or when I got Susan pregnant in high school?
Where were you when I ran the long-distance race against Park City's and I won? Now, ironically, being with you is gonna kill me. Sorry, I-Don't fucking talk to me.
Oh dude bamboo beer steins pretty sweet man probably hook you up with one I got a ton of bamboo over here man, I could probably rig you something up to lean on. What the... fuck that's a playboy!
Whatever. Keep doing your Vietnamese hat dance. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never... And it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because.
Oh fuck. Fuck! Cramps are a bitch, huh?
Told you you should have worked out with me. Fuck you, it's not that. What is it? I gotta... I gotta take a shit.
Teach you how to shit in the woods in the military? Fuck man, I'm afraid if I go down I'm not gonna be able to get back up All right, um Hold on man. Hold on. I'm gonna grab you something to hold on to okay?
Hold on Okay, hold on. Shhh. Uh... Fuck! Hurry, man!
Fuck! Hold on, I gotta go. I gotta go up. Oh my god, hurry up, man! Go, go, go, go, hold on.
Okay, uh... Alright, you're just gonna hold on to it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I gotta take off my pants.
Ugh, okay. Alright, ah, ah, ah, ha, ha, ha. I gotta lean back a little more.
There? You okay? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, fuck. You alright? I gotta get up, I gotta get up. Okay. Alright, hold on, let me......phew, let me get ready.
Get all the way up. Fuck. Fuck.
Oh shit. Alex! Help, help, help!
Ants! They're all over me! Uh, uh...
What do we do?! I don't know, man. Piss on them?
I don't know. I got no piss. Fuck.
Fuck. Come on! Okay, uh, um, ants dissolve in alcohol.
Come here, pour this on them. Oh, take that you little fucking shits. Huh? You like that? Huh?
You want some more? Okay, come get some more you little fuck. You showed them who's boss, right?
Calm down. They don't even bite, man. Calm down.
Fuck you, they don't bite. It's not that bad. Not that bad.
Alex, nothing about this is not that bad. Okay, you just need to relax. Relax.
Things not going your way? Relax, you can just leave. Expelled for disrespect?
Relax, there's plenty of schools. DUI for crashing into a liquor store? Relax, cause mommy and d- They're gonna bail me out just like they always do.
I think we covered this. And I said I'm sorry for not being there for you. This has nothing to do with me, man. This has everything to do with you and your relaxing, which is just code for running away. Fuck you, man.
I came back for med school. Wow! The favorite son comes home, huh? You gave mom and dad so much hope that the legacy of Family Marcus wasn't gonna be left up to my dumb ass.
Thank you. I was just trying to... And then, oh, man.
And then you leave again to go teach ESL to kids. Come on, Alex, any halfwit from America could have done that. But even halfwits aren't stupid enough to go to a place with active fucking landmines lying around.
You don't know what you're talking about. And it turns out I am a dumbass. Because I chased you. And here I am, covered in ants, and I'm gonna fucking blow up, man.
But hey, it's alright, be just like Alex, relax. Think I'm relaxed? You have any idea what it's like in my fucking head?
I try not to scream every second of every single fucking day. It just sits there in my throat, trying to crawl out. And it takes every fucking ounce of my strength to keep it down. You're the golden child, Alex. I'm the one that should be screaming.
They didn't even bother naming me Robert. You get to be Alexander Marcus III. Everywhere I go, I'm known as Alex's brother.
Even when you're gone, I'm in your shadow. I live in the shadow of dad and papi. And you ever think about it that way? My entire life was planned out for me before I was even born.
Always hearing about me being destined for greatness and how great I was gonna be. People say that when they have no reason to think that. So you ran away because everyone thinks you're great, huh? That's awesome.
I ran away because I can't handle the pressure of being Alexander Marcus III. I'll never live up to the hype. Alright, I may be the golden child, but did you ever feel unloved? No. You got to be loved for who you are.
I have to try to be someone I'm not capable of being. Praise only feels good when it's deserved. Otherwise it's just a fucking lie. Praise was all I ever fucking wanted. Med school was out for me, so I wasn't gonna follow you into that.
I thought I'd follow into Pappy's footsteps and enlist and... Dad was impressed. He told me. Come on, Alex. Dad was surprised because I made it through boot.
He may not have said it out loud, but he wasn't stupid. In the end, he had to know that you were their real legacy. In the end, huh?
In the end, the drugs made him real confused. You know how dad would never forget a name or a face? Last few days in the hospital, I took him some old vacation photos because I thought they'd help. He thought I was you.
And he was so happy that you'd come back home. He said he pulled some strings so that you could finish your degree during your residency. And he said that he was... He said that you were going to carry on the family name. The worst part about it was that it felt so fucking good, man.
To have him talk to me that way. For once. Then he started talking to me about me. And he said that I was never gonna...
Let's just say he didn't have that deathbed change of heart. Alex, I would've given up all that love... If I could've just made a single Marcus man proud.
I'm proud of you. Fuck you. I'm serious.
I tell everyone I can about my badass army bro. You don't even know what rank I am at. Staff sergeant!
I just like to bust your balls a little. I brag about you to anyone who will listen. I know everywhere you are stationed. Washington, Texas, South Carolina, Afghanistan. Do you want me to name the provinces?
No. I believe you. Remember that time we were stuck on landmines yelling at each other?
I bet my left nut we're out here by tomorrow morning. You really think so? No doubt. By now they've looked in all the obvious places for that kid, and in the morning they'll look outside the village. They'll wander by, see- Smell that abomination you gave birth to and we'll be out of here by dinner.
And if you lose that, I get your left nut. Fucking weird, but sure. Make a little necklace out of it and everything would be cute.
I don't doubt that you would, Buffalo Bob. In. Out. Done. Feel better?
Actually, I do. And warmer, too. We just have to keep our heart rates up and our minds calm. Thanks, Alex. Don't mention it.
I do this every morning with the kids. Oh, man, for everything. I couldn't handle this without you. Hey, I'm sorry about what I...
Don't be sorry. You were right. I should have been there. I'm sorry I let you down.
Hey man, I forgot I brought something for you. Seriously? I did. Oh, well that's weird because I got something for you too. Fuck you.
Fuck you. I could have sworn you said, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Yeah, shhh.
Did you hear that? What was that? Fuck you. Fuck you. Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I would like to introduce Dr. Fuck You.
Oh, yes. My good sir, it is clearly a case of the fuck you. No, I beg to differ, my kind sir.
It is clearly a monstrous, bowel-moving case of fuck you. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, hey, what, what, what, what did the... Hey, do you know who my favorite Vietnamese rapper is?
Fuck you. What did the two sailors walk into the bar and do? They fucked you. So fucking stupid. You're so much better at this than I am.
Fuck you. Did you ever sleep with the Kimber sisters? What? How'd you hear about that?
You were... Colorado school. Right.
So, the sisters? Man, that was just a rumor. It got spread after they transferred and I just went along with it. But I swear I didn't start it.
I know you didn't. I did. What? Actually, I had Brian start it.
Because the only thing he spreads faster than herpes is a rumor. Why'd you do that? Thought it'd help you out in your freshman year, man. You know what?
Actually, it did. You remember Lisa? That girl that I dated? She was, uh, she was a year older than me.
Fat chick that Craig always pretended he wasn't banging? No, man. Lisa, she was the girl that I took to the lake house. Oh.
Yeah, um, the ginger with the tongue ring. Right. Didn't you dump her at the lake house? I did.
Because I heard that she blew you while I was in Galveston. That never happened. Yeah man, I should have known that you would never hook up with a girl that I was dating. Actually, I might have accidentally......ranked her in bail. When?
When I came back from med school. You fucking son of a bitch. Man, it was an accident, we were drunk, I didn't recognize her till the next morning.
You're not pissed, are you? No way man, that was like a bunch of years in between that, who cares? Fair enough. Um, have you ever-Hey man, I did not say truth.
Okay, well then grab that chicken foot, stuff it in your mouth. Alright, truth. That's what I thought.
Have you ever... slept with any of my exes? Are we in fact Eskimo brothers?
Uh... Wow. I would have worn my fingers down to the knuckle if I never touched someone that you already broken in.
Who? Katie Morne. You fucked Katie.
Are you fucking serious? Wait, what? You can't get pissed off at me.
You just did the same thing with Lisa. Yeah, I can. It's not the same. Katie was different. How?
I thought she might be the one. Well, fuck, man. If she were a the, I would never have done anything with her.
I know you wouldn't have, and it doesn't matter because she wasn't the one. I just......thought maybe she was. Katie's the reason I left Cranbrook. I thought mom and dad sent you away because you accidentally OD'd on me. It wasn't an accident.
Katie dumped me and... the next day I tried to kill myself. That's so fucking stupid.
I... I can barely even say it out loud, man. I don't know.
I was too dumb. ...to even do it correctly. For some reason I thought Katie might be my last chance to be who I was supposed to be. Did you ever tell Dad about it?
I think Mom knows, but we never talked about it. Why don't you come to me? You're in junior high. What would you... Shit!
Oh yeah! Joke's on you cocksuckers, we need water! Ah!
Ha ha ha ha ha! That was just thunder, right? I don't know.
Alex! What? Alex! Stay still. I think I see something moving behind you.
Fuck you! What the fuck man? Where is it?
Where is it? Where is it? I don't know.
Oh shit. It's circling us. What do I do? Alright, uh, Alex, uh... Concentrate, uh, behind you and on your right.
Tigers always attack from behind and on the right. Alright. Where the fuck is he?
AAAAAAAH! Come on! Alex, what the fuck are you doing? Let's dance, motherfucker!
Hey, Alex, what the fuck are you doing? Scared it! Do not piss off the tiger.
Watch out for the mine, Alex. Where you going? I'm trying to light something on fire. Okay, good, good, good. I need something that's dry.
Shit. Go, stop! He's not after us. The kid.
Alex. Alex! Make a spear.
I swear it's true, man. If tigers only attack from behind and to the right, would I be safe if I backed myself into a corner? Explain yourself.
It's more like, uh... Man, I don't know, I just... I heard it somewhere, shut up.
Do you have any other useless tips for animal attacks? Like, sharks only attack from the southeast. Crocodiles only eat gluten-free people.
That's all. I can't believe you asked a tiger to dance. Believe it, son.
I got one-liners for every occasion. Water heater explosion. Parachute malfunction. Hanukkah.
What about R.O.U.S.'s? Rodents of unusual size? I don't think they exist. Hey, do you think this beats the time that Craig got Gordon Pamplona? That's a movie.
Can't wait to see their faces when I tell them. Hey, wait a minute. That means you're coming home? Talk me into it. Plus I don't want you fucking up the story when you tell it.
I was gonna say, you cried like a little girl. Says a guy who was too scared to shit. Hey.
What'd you say I was scared shitless? I absolutely would not. What are you going to do when you get back to the States?
It's hard to make any long term plans when I get transferred every few months. Must be hard to be such a badass, huh? Mastering all the military arts so quickly. From training recruits to dispatching fools with extreme prejudice. I'm not a badass.
Right. Because heroes are the only people that said they're not heroes. You must get so much ass. Well, the uniform does help.
Anything to distract from that face. So you got someone waiting for you at home? Not exactly.
Casual dating in small villages can get pretty dicey. Maybe I should lend you a uniform. Uh, strangely enough, Vietnamese girls are shockingly ungrateful to American soldiers. Still trying to figure that one out. Show me the way to go home.
I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went right to my head. Wherever I may roam, by land or sea or foam, you'll always hear me singing my song. Show me the way to go home. You were so scared of sharks after that, I don't think you ever even went into the water that summer.
I'm not scared of snakes. Let's just admit that we're both pussies, okay? I meant that you're a pussy. I'm just glad we're on solid ground.
There's no sharks on land! Oh well, clearly you've never heard of a Sharknado. What? Oh my god, you haven't.
Wow man, you're gonna love this. It stars that one blonde chick from Van Wilder and... It's amazing.
It's a movie. Called Sharknado. Oh sweet Bob, check it out. What, you hear someone? Even better.
Found a J in my pocket. Toss me that lighter. You really think it's a good idea to get high right now? Me hunted by tigers standing on landmines, waiting for dead kids parents.
I think, yeah toss me the fucking lighter. You know I can't get high. Not asking you, just toss it. You do deserve a puff, man. This Pappy's lighter?
Yep. Did Dad give this to you? He did, but... That's great, man. Do you know what this means?
Pappy carried this with him through D-Day. He lit cigars when Meemaw was pregnant. He gave it to Dad instead of Uncle Roger. This is a legacy, man.
This means he thought... I thought it was you. What do you mean? He gave it to me when you thought it was you.
You know what? Fuck him. You've still got my flask. Take that with you on your missions to save the world. I mean, you've already been more places than Pappy and everyone knows you're a badass.
You're like the most interesting man in the world if you killed people. I don't get transferred because I'm a badass, Alex. They wouldn't send you to all those places if you weren't a badass. It's not that I'm good at everything.
It's that I'm actually... Less than average at most things. What about the awards you won in Afghanistan?
The army doesn't give participation certificates. Army emeritus is given to units. Everyone in my platoon got it. You're only as strong as your weakest link.
That wasn't even on the chain. My unit got that medal for a mission that I wasn't even on. Because I drink water without purifying it, and then I just...
Well, you're not there for just one thing. I mean... Alex, I was trained by the U.S. military, and I ran headlong into a minefield.
Come on, man. We wouldn't even be here if I just talked to Mom. Please don't ever tell her I said that.
Alex, you hear that? I hear something. It's getting louder. Sounds like a diesel engine. It sounds big.
Help! Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop! Help!
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Alex is going away.
FUUCK! We're so fucked out here! No one is ever gonna come!
Alex. Do you know that? Alex! You said that there's a village close by, right? Might as well be in Kansas.
Alex, you can't conduct a thorough search in a hurry. It's gonna take them some time, but they're coming. Relax.
It's funny. All right, breathe in and out. And we're done. All right, cool off. It's fine.
Or meditation, that's good too. My head is the last place I want to be. Alex, why don't you teach me some Vietnamese? You know, there might be some hot chick in the search party.
Dum ma, nui toi tai, nuong man hoi tai. What the hell is that? Fuck me if I'm wrong, but you won't kiss me. That is a good one, but maybe we should start with something a little easier.
Fucking tight So mean Oh, you talk to me? You talk to me? Oh, you're so handsome My name is Fuck Me My name is Fuck Me Excuse me, ma'am My Vietnamese is a little rusty But was that a Fuck me or fuck you? Oh, no, no, no It is most definitely Fuck You Alex. Uh.
When you, uh... Never mind. When you OD'd, did you...
Did you think that there was something to go? No. I was just a stupid kid. I guess I believed in... afterlife...
nirvana... heaven or whatever. What about now? What do you mean?
Do you think there's somewhere that we go? There is. We all go to the same place.
Really? Yeah. Anybody who believes in some sort of celestial favoritism is just an asshole. What if they're right?
Come on. Wherever it is, I'd be pissed if you're not there. Mom says that I'll be in heaven, even if I don't believe in it.
That's because she thinks you're the second coming. No, she's not that crazy. What she says is...
It won't be heaven for her if I'm not there. It's adorable. Bob, there is heaven.
We'll all be there. And if I have to sneak you in the back door. Sounds good. These mines won't blow up unless we step off them, right?
Obviously. Yours is big enough to slide your foot to the side, yeah? Yeah, but it's not a good idea. Okay, so we just gotta find something like half your weight.
Alex, we can't Indiana Jones our way off a mine. Sure we can't. And you'll go in my car.
Alright, hell. Alright, let's do it. Let's......swap a golden idol.
Shit! Um... You okay?
Yeah, um... It's a real bad cramp, uh... Cramp in your vagina? Yeah. Must be that time of the month.
Hey, maybe we should do some exercises. No, let's just, uh... Let's work on getting out of here, okay?
FUCK! Why don't you tell me how fucking stupid this plan was? Look man, it was a good idea. I just...
I wanted you to have something to keep your mind occupied with, but there's just not enough rocks. You wouldn't need rocks if it weren't for me. This isn't your fault.
It's my fault we're even in this hemisphere. I sabotaged every single opportunity I ever had. Hurt people that didn't deserve it.
I disappointed everyone. There's something wrong inside me. If I'd just finished school or gone to Dad's funeral, anything.
But now you're here standing on a landmine. Even if I couldn't live up to my name, I could have been a better brother. You did the best you could.
Life is hard, even when it's easy. You know what the shittiest part is? I've started to think that I've run away to here and all the other places I've gone just hoping someone would stop me. Stop me from what I chose.
How dumb is that? It's no dumber than me being jealous of you for getting all the family praise, but not actually deserving the praise that I wanted. You deserve praise. You're a good man. When you picked me up, I was being a dick, because, well, I can be a dick.
Friends in the family. It's just that I really wanted to hug you. And now it's too late.
I think it's time for me to go. Okay. I'm gonna stay here for a bit.
Why don't you go warm up the car for me? I'm a lucky guy. Oh yeah? If I was born into any other family, I'd be in prison. I'm in a ditch for worse.
What's wrong with you? I don't make a bet. Make a bet with me. No.
Chicken? Baa! Baa!
That little boggy bitch, the chicken? Alex, what's wrong with you? Baa! Baa!
Baa! Alright, fine man, I'll take a bet. Just... Tell me what's going on. I was hoping the snake...
wasn't venomous, but... I'm s- I'm starting to think I might need to get Samantha in here soon. How do we get some? Get to the car, get to the village.
But... This is why I wanted to make a bet. Don't worry.
I thought this through. I... I should think I'm some sucker.
It's a smart bet. Where are we? We're standing on mines. We left here in 75. They're old.
And most of them, I think, probably a lot are duds. Alex, you don't know that for sure. We know of three.
Ours and the kids. We know the kids wasn't a dud. I'm willing to bet that one of the three decades old mines is a dud.
You don't know enough about what you're talking about, Alex. I'm just working with what I got here. We've... We've already established that I'm luckier than you.
What? Just think about all the trips to the hospital. No, D, I'm unstoppable.
You're not unstoppable, Alex. Come on. I bet you I'd step off as fucker.
And one of them so much as blow smoke. And then you'll have to tell the rescuers how badass I am. I'll tell them how you whined like a little bitch the whole time. I'm not gonna bet your life, man. What do I get if I win, huh?
A dead fucking brother? Eh... I spent a lot of time...
thinking about the speech. I didn't come up with a funny answer for that. Don't leave me.
If I stay, it's not gonna be the Betty that kills me. Come on. I'm not gonna lose a bet to you.
Think about how awesome... This is gonna make me look in front of everyone when we tell them... Stop, man! It's the only thing we can do. If you step off yours, I'm gonna step off mine.
Why would you do that? If giving up is good enough for you, then it's gonna be good enough for me too. Giving up, idiot? I'm doing what's best.
We're doing what's best. Trust me. Alex.
No one's coming. There are three possible outcomes. I stay, snake bite kills me, and you're alone.
I go, It's a car. It's a village. It could help.
Here I go. The beddy goes off. And someone hears a noise.
They come help you. So unless you figure out how to defuse these fuckers with bamboo... Cough.
Show me the way to go, I'm tired and I wanna go No, no, no. You said that. Yes, you did. Was that the lake, huh?
The last time you were there before you left? You said that you were going to stay for good that time. A crazy thought about how cool you were. Hey mom, no one else has this number.
It's been great. We've had a lot of time to talk. No, I... I'm gonna stay here a while with Alex.
Yeah, be careful. I promise. No! No! No!
No! The situation that I'm starting to believe in. The situation... Trying to achieve the most Oh Our destinations are the ones we've been.
I still try to run home, but it's all or none. But I still try to run home You know I still try to run home But it's home Home Home Thank you for watching!