Transcript for:
Comprendre les Relations et le Sexe Masculin

I want to warn the women all right so that they can understand what's going on here today on women of impact relationship experts Stefan speaks exposes The Naked Truth on how men see sex you can easily go from potential wife to just the woman he wants to sleep with here is my belief there's going to be a lot of people who may disagree with it find out if the new man in your life is Mr Right or Mr right now there's certain phrases that are pretty much code for I just want to have fun and be casual and which phrases are they The Joy of Sex and the pit for rules of dating nothing is off limits when the women hear this I just want them to understand this is a rare moment [Music] Stefan welcome to women in Impact thank you oh thank you last time you hear the episode freaking blew up and honestly your your advice is so freaking epic and so I really want to dive in today on something very specific okay when us women go on dates there's always that one moment where you're waiting like is he gonna make a move is he not gonna make a move and if he does make a move we interpret it to mean something and if he doesn't make a move we interpret it to mean something so I'd really love to dive in deep today so by the end of the episode people actually know what are the signals so that we can know whether we should maybe um take the relationship seriously whether it's going to be a one-night stand and so help us understand how men see sex how men see sex on the first date wow it's really dive deep on the subject where should we begin so let me start with how men view sex on the first date Perfect all right so I think in today's society um there's two sides of course there's men who they're gonna judge you if you have sex with them on the first date they may not be vocal about that uh on social media and things of that nature because some of them understand if I say I'm gonna judge you then I won't be able to get it so I'll play like it's not a big problem for me but in reality I am going to question certain things about you if you move too fast now I always believe that once someone is in the moment and depending on how much they actually like you can determine how they will interpret certain things so basically if I'm not really that interested and I already came into it just hoping to have fun and we have sex on the first date well now you just kind of uh given me the reward I was looking for and I'm just gonna stick with that and yeah it's not even about him judging you at that point all it did is make sure that it stayed in the box that he wanted to keep it in to begin with all right but if he actually really likes you and has deeper genuine interest then he's more willing to like view that as an outlier moment and not say that's that's a representative of her character and something I need to question or look deeper into so I think that you know for a lot of women you it's very dangerous to kind of get caught up in how the men interprets things because you just don't know and it's going to vary from man to man you have to stand in your truth because if you are a woman and I'm not saying women should have sex on the first date but if you are a woman who are who's okay with having sex on the first date well the last thing you want is to end up with a man who views that poorly because chances are there's other areas in sex that you guys won't be on the same page about and there's going to be a conflict ongoing that's going to not allow you to to be in Harmony in the bedroom so to speak so to me it's like as a woman you have to live in whatever your truth is but yes there are men who judge and then there's some men who they don't care like I'll be honest with you I'm one of those guys guys I never cared I never felt that if this happens on the first date that I can't take you seriously you know to me it was deeper than that you know do we have a connection you know can we communicate are we on the same page if that's there I always view that that moment of sex on the first date as maybe the chemistry was just strong like I don't I didn't go deep into that's her character she does that with everybody but there's a lot of dudes that do and I will say this too I've seen one situation where man met a woman they had sex on the first day they eventually get in a relationship months into the relationship things get a little rocky a friend of his says to him well what do you expect she had sex with you on the first date so even though he was willing to look past it the other people who tells about it could end up planting a seed of negativity of doubt in him using that as the validation for that so it was like oh well you see how she handled this you see what she did there and that's where it can become dangerous because if he doesn't know how to think for himself and not allow outside noise to impact them he's gonna have a hard time in that moment pushing away those negative thoughts and focusing on what's more important all right there's so much amazing goodness there okay so there's really definitely two parts of it right there's there's us as women how do we show up on that first date and then there's also um receiving how the men then reacts towards you okay so it's like if they make the move we interpret that as oh maybe they really like us but it could be they're just looking for a one-night stand yes if they don't make the move we can interpret it as like oh they must not like us and actually they're like well maybe there's something more so it's a very confusing I think I'm gonna say that eight times in this episode um so I would really love to like start to peel back the signs and just kind of go over the interpretations because you know me I'm all about how do we Empower women right now to be able to then make decisions for themselves right that's the goal it's not about like wow if the guy turns you know tries it on then you should sleep with them no no no it's that if they do X Y and Z then at least we can understand what that could mean we can look at all this situation and then decide for ourselves whether this is something we want to do or not yes so let's take for instance let's start with the guy that doesn't actually try it on okay I've heard you say like sometimes it's confusing for the men because if they don't try it on they worry that us as women interpret that as we don't they're not interested but sometimes they're actually just trying to take it slowly yes so that's actually more common than women think and I think when trying to understand how to decipher if this man is just serious or maybe he's like lacking interest one let me say this if he so if he doesn't make the move but he's treating you well on this date he's engaging in conversation he's showing interest you have to use that as okay wait a minute because here's the thing a guy who's only on a date just for the sake of a one-night stand and having fun is in most cases limiting the conversation actually probably making the conversation very sexual making very you know sexual comments and things of that nature he's not trying to go deep within learning who you are and understanding you better he just wants to get to the main event so to speak you know what I'm saying so if this guy is spending time getting to know you but doesn't make a move then I think that yes that's the sign that he is genuinely interested men become more cautious when it comes to making sexual attempts the more they like a woman so I knew one story where a guy he was like a man [ __ ] all right he was just running around different Women quote unquote having his fun he meets a woman one day this is in college he meets a woman he comes home because we're roommates and he's like I think I met the one and with this woman he said specifically I don't want to try to have sex with her I want to take this slow like he literally held back so this same guy who would not give that kind of leeway to the other women he was dating like to them if they're not gonna sleep with him they're out that plain is simple but with this woman he was saying I want to take it slow because men at that point they don't want that woman to think I'm only here for sex I'm trying to show you that I want you for more than that I'm trying to respect you in that way as well as some men may have evolved to the point of realizing I don't want to cloud my judgment by having sex too soon I don't want to make this messy I don't want to create attachments let me take my time if the more intentioned he is the more he's willing or decides he wants to take his time and I will say if he even though we're going to talk about the guys who make the attempt if he makes the attempt and you decline and he handles it that's another sign to you that okay it's more so how he handles your willingness to wait so for example let's just say you he hasn't made the move but sex comes up and you just you mentioned how you want to take your time with it well again the guy who's not that serious is probably going to try to give you some pushback you know may maybe even be dismissive or may just ignore it and still try to push and make moves whereas the guy who again is serious about you is going to be a lot more mindful of it so and again it gets tricky and that's why I think women have to look at the overall situation the overall picture of what's going on how is he behaving otherwise outside of just making a move on you and is that's amazing is it any fine line though between now you've become a challenge because I think that that's also one thing where some guys I've heard you know a lot of friends talk about that they've now become the conquest and so they are going to play it slow in order to just to make sure that they actually get you into bed so that does happen um I in my professional opinion I don't think that happens as often as women think um I think especially in today's world people are used to we're in a microwave Society we want things right away we want it easy a lot of guys who are just trying to have sex want the least half of resistance all right so if if they have to go through the whole play it slow and wait and take you out on dates throughout that process and that's a key there too it's one thing to take it slow as in I have to wait a longer period of time before you're willing to sleep with me versus I have to continuously put in effort during that time for you to sleep with me most guys are not trying to go months of consistently talking taking you out spending money on you while waiting just for that one moment to have sex so they can finally get it and walk away most guys does it exist yes but most men don't even have the resources to because could you imagine if I'm a guy and I have to do that with every woman all right that I'm trying to get with or several women it gets expensive just to have sex multiple dates multiple you know that's no so most of those guys are going to go for okay well we can still talk here and there we can Netflix and chill maybe but putting forth real effort no that's not what most guys gonna do so I think that again though though those type of men exist you can't get so worried about them that you now misjudge or you push away the man who's actually genuine about taking his time and working with you and considering how you feel about things listen most people I don't think anyone's that great of a liar I think if you get someone yes I think if you get someone talking enough they will expose themselves so I think it's important for women to understand if you are concerned about his intentions keep him talking keep the conversation going number one on one level the man who's serious about you will Embrace that conversation the man who isn't is more likely to try to like end that like he doesn't want to keep this going he doesn't want to talk all day he wants to get to it you know so that in itself will show you okay what kind of what kind of investment is he making emotionally into this but also when people have to keep answering questions it's hard to keep your lies straight when you're constantly being questioned about certain things and not in an interrogation type of way but in the natural flow of conversation I just think that a lot of women they get so afraid to ask questions when they're dating a guy especially when they like him because they're worried about rocking the boat pushing him away all these different things and they shoot themselves in the foot it because it's those questions that would have exposed what his real intentions are God that's so true and then the confirmation bias as well when you go into like a first day or something or if you're dating someone you're looking for certain things and so sometimes when you're when you were saying about asking questions it's like yes you can ask questions but also you have to be aware of why you're asking the question and not try not to as much as possible put your confirmation bias in there because you're waiting for the guy to say I want to let's say for instance you're looking for a relationship and you go into the first date I at least for myself I know that I've been waiting for like okay he said he's willing he wants to get married all right that's right and so now I'm waiting for to hear the things that I want to hear um and I can potentially ignore the other signs that maybe um are maybe staring me in the face yes yes and so and that's the thing I think the one of the mistakes we're making both men and women is going into dates with certain expectations and being so laser focused to the point that as you said we're looking for this one thing and we ignore all the other stuff that's giving us the answer that we need I think it's more important for us to go in with a mindset of this is an experience we're here to have a good time focus on having fun first okay and through having fun be confident in yourself enough to be aware like there's a way to kind of I don't want to use the word indulge because people might take that the wrong way but there's a way to allow yourself to let loose and enjoy the moment but still pay attention to what's going on you see so rather than looking for it just be aware of it or where if it pops up so if he does mention something like if he says yeah I'm not looking for anything serious you don't have to go in waiting for that moment that he says that no but when he says it okay you know what register that process that now I know where he's on okay and now I have to determine do I want to engage with that or not and make sure that you actually pay attention because part of you kind of wants to be like yeah but maybe I can change him maybe yeah right and so I understand that inclination like I'm never like I'm not looking to blame women in any way shape or form but I understand that as human beings that's going to be a natural inclination where you think if if I'm the one then things will be different you know not to bring up names but like I always think about George Clooney and I'm like this guy you know proclaimed he was going to be a bachelor for the into his entire life and he was in all these really long-term relationships and then I think he ended up meeting a woman and then a couple of months later he got married and has had kids um so there is that part of a lot of us that hope that they're going to change when they meet us but so what women have to understand is that most men have already come into that date putting you in a box meaning they've already determined this is probably not going any further than having fun maybe this is maybe I would consider a relationship with her but I couldn't see myself marrying this woman or this is potential wife all right now that sounds crazy when he hasn't really talked to you much yet right but as bad as it sounds a lot of men just by looking at you and their level of attraction to you have determined what's the potential of this situation so if he comes into it only already viewing you as just having fun the chances that you can get out of that box into the more serious ones is extremely unlikely I'm not saying it's never happened but again it's it's probably just not going to happen you and you can't go in thinking I can change that all right so if he's showing you initially I'm not looking for something serious I Just Want to Have Fun you really have to take him at that word and you have to say okay how do I want to navigate this knowing that's what his intentions are if he changes it it should not be because I had to go on this mission of trying to change his mind it should just be that maybe he evolved into realizing wow I have something special here maybe I could you know make this work with her I want this but it has to happen in a natural flow or you just showing up as your own true self not you trying to again capture his attention and change his mind the other crazy thing is now let's say he came into it saying this is potential wife you can easily go from potential wife to just the woman he wants to sleep with all right so it's hard to upgrade it's very easy to be downgraded very easy and this is where a lot of women get confused because they'll have these situations with men where let's say he's putting in all the effort the first month or so he's showing genuine intent let's say it does happen where they have sex or whatever but then over time she notices the effort's not there anymore he stops everything's changing and the idea is oh he always wanted to just have fun he always wanted to be casual he was playing games he led me on you know he's despicable but in reality no he came in with the idea that this could be something however somewhere along the way he determined this isn't going to work and unfortunately and I'll use the word unfortunately because this is what gets women feeling used and played is unfortunately even though he recognizes okay this can't go too far anymore in my eyes I still want to have I still want to have sex with her you see that's that's the constellation prize so to speak at that point so he hangs on or he keeps going for that reason and not even necessarily just for that reason also because men have a hard time rejecting a woman and just saying it's this isn't going to work this you know let's move in a different direction because men are typically in the position of trying to pursue and capture that woman's attention and we're not given that opportunity to reject all the time whereas women you go through live you're approached by a lot of different men you have to tell the guy in the street no you have to tell different guys I'm not interested you're more accustomed to letting that guy down so these men in these situations it's like I'd like this woman I think she's a great girl I don't think she's the one and I don't know as a man how to have that conversation and Let Her Go properly instead I start to fall off of my efforts I just have to follow up with my attention because I'm hoping that maybe either she will just say all right let me just leave this alone right versus me having to be quote unquote the bad guy and verbally express to her no you aren't it especially because it's now hard for me to explain why you're not it when I do like you and there's technically nothing wrong with you we're just not the right fit it's just not there you know and I've mentioned this in some of my other videos it's crazy because I feel like women growing up were fed more of the fantasy idea of the one the right man which I believe in the one but the whole even connection that I've talked about before women know it and understand it however as we get older it's like men hold to that principle more than women do so though women understand connection and that one guy that you really can be with once a woman sees a man that she wants for whatever reason a lot of women tend to now forget about the connections not there forget about the fact that maybe it's not the right the best fit for me no I want this so I'm locked in whereas the man he's more like yeah she's great but she's not it she's not the one and this is where we see a lot of confusion and disconnect and just problems happen oh my God like literally my eyes are like bulging out of my head from just like how amazing that really was like the cartoons right yeah there was so much that oh my God that's so powerful in understanding the difference and I actually really like it's really beautiful and this is one thing I just I've said to you many times that I love about your message is it's not about blame it's not about saying oh my God the men are toxic and you know or anything like that there are of course toxic people out there a thousand percent but we like to put people in a bucket and we go oh well if months down the line you know they are now not showing interest I have been played these whole few months and I think it's super powerful to actually know we do change and maybe certain things have shown over that those few months when that relationship where now they realize oh maybe you're not the one or vice versa and why do you think then we actually blank it and just being like Oh they've been lying to me the whole time is it from for self-preservation yes I do believe it's self-preservation I it's easier to say they're just a horrible person who played me than to believe what something was missing in this Dynamic that couldn't move it forward because for a lot of women the unfortunate thing that women do is they start to think I wasn't good enough what was wrong with me and I tried to explain to women like it's not about what was wrong with you it's just you're not the right fit so again you could be the most amazing awesome woman but you don't fit with every guy and so his unwillingness to move forward with you is not a question of your value it's a question of you guys cannot live in harmony together in the long term he's acknowledging and recognizing that so he's pulling away you know it's a blessing that he pulls away because again too many women though deep inside they may know he's not the right guy for various reasons try to make it work try to hold on and rationalize past their intuition telling them he's not it leave leave leave but she's like no I gotta I gotta somehow this is gonna work out for us and it gets them into a lot of trouble but uh getting back to the point of yeah like it's it is about self-preservation and because she doesn't want to face that that thought but what I want women to to look at is no look at it as we're just not the right fit there's nothing wrong with that the vast majority of people that you date whether you like them or not you don't fit with that's reality I always say you can meet 100 men tomorrow 99 of them aren't for you we have to learn to understand that when we're dealing with the person who is not truly best for us things are going to go left somewhere all right whether that's feeling unfulfilled whether that's somebody cheating whether that's constant argue Something's Gonna go wrong because we do not connect correctly one of the biggest fallacies is that relationships shouldn't be work say I am effort and hard work into growing our careers or our business but love should just happen after 20 years of being married all stars were being willing to ask and answer hard questions I have a free downloadable PDF for you for a happy successful lasting of Love click the link below for free access to the most important questions you must ask your partner PDF and I think once we start to understand that better we stop internalizing the situations that didn't progress the way that we wanted them to and we start to be able to we preserve ourselves through truth rather than this fear and this denial of what this thing really was just that there isn't that perfect connection and maybe you know over time you start to realize then to blanket statement I was used because let's I mean let's face it none of us want to feel used it feels terrible it makes us feel badly about ourselves and then it makes you question that next time that next relationship what did I miss and maybe you didn't miss anything on the first date maybe you didn't miss anything in a month in and like you said it never dawned on me about the fact that guys would find it harder to let you go in that nice way um that really never dawned on me and so when you were saying I was like oh I actually like that belief actually would sit better with me as a person who's let's say split up from somebody then the belief that they were always toxic and they tricked me and I didn't see it coming yeah and I think again we have to always look at the overall picture the toxic man is toxic in many ways so he's not just going to be oh he treated you amazing and now his effort falls off you know um or now he wants to walk away that he's not toxic the toxic guy with me treating you from day one the toxic guy was was taking advantage of you from day one he was doing so many different things that was uh cheating you out of a healthy and happy relationship all right so that's how we can tell the difference because no toxic guy can be amazing for a long stretch of time and just be like nah I'm not into it anymore that's not what typically happens but yeah I think it's important for us to understand that men do struggle with that and this is a big reason why I'm not I feel the need to mention it it's one of the big reasons why I'm not a believer of women proposing to men all right there's a lot of people out there who want to say well you know a woman should be able to do it what's wrong with that what's the difference and to me it's like you have to understand the psychology of the man a lot of men don't know how to say no especially and if you add if you add factors like doing it in front of an audience and things of that nature it's gonna be a greater struggle for him especially because again a lot of guys are good guys in the wrong relationship and there's a lot of good women in the wrong relationship and when you're in the wrong relationship even the most nicest person may start to do things that look unhealthy and toxic because it's a symptom of two people who don't belong together so there was a situation where this woman um proposed to this man and I end up talking to him later and he said like he told me the only reason he got married is because he he was too afraid to say no he didn't know how to say it they were married I think for five to six years and then finally it you know inevitably reached its end and then they finally got a divorce but there's a lot of stories like that and I think you know you got to understand if that man really wants to be with you especially when I'm talking about proposing he's not going to have a problem doing that you know if you in most cases when the woman feels the need to have to propose it's because deep inside you sense if you don't he will never so you're trying to secure it by doing it yourself I'm not saying there's never been a genuine proposal by a woman and I'm not saying it's never worked out there's exceptions to every rule but in the vast majority of cases it's not good it's not going to work and it's a sign of a deeper problem in that relationship that hasn't been addressed so yeah men men just we're not in the typical position to reject so to do that is just a very uncomfortable thing as especially also when you consider the fear of men view women as more emotional and I believe women are biologically more emotional so it's like I'm afraid it's gonna make her cry how is she gonna react if he is not a guy that is void of feelings that he's so dark-hearted that he's just not going to care if you're crying in his face well then the thought of you crying is going to make him be hesitant is going to be cause for concern think about how many men even in relationships hold back what they want to say because they're worried about how it's going to make their partner feel so they just shut up and they would rather either shut up or they they won't say the no that needs to be said in fear of how she's going to react and handle it oh my God it's so true I mean Tom and I my husband and we've been married for 20 years and that's one of our relationship rules is you must say the hard thing even if you know it's going to upset the other person like we have like literally our own kind of rule book and we've just pinky sworn because that's important to know though because when he comes to me and maybe says something that is upsetting I've given him permission so now there's no like you've heard my feelings it's like okay you're keeping in line with the commitment that we've both agree to so thank you for saying the hard thing it's actually a complete opposite of how we then receive it because we've agreed to it in the beginning because of that point of do you want a healthy relationship if so then to your point you have to be able to say the hard things you have to be able to say the truth and it doesn't mean you're not going to hurt the person but if that isn't your intention but you know you have to say it's going to be very important to still say it yes and I think with you saying that I think everyone watching this every woman who dates from now on should give that man permission to be blatantly brutally honest because it will save her the headache of confusion and his fear of how she'll receive it I do think because I think it's brilliant what you and Tom do how you have to have an agreement of how we handle certain moments how we talk to each other you know what's the time frame that we give each other if we need to go to our Corners you know some people have we won't go to sleep at night you know mad at each other whatever it is create that structure because as you mentioned once it's agreed upon it's so much easier now to adhere to it and to not let things get out of whack but when there is no understanding and agreement it can go Haywire really fast so if people when they started dating told each other men and women hey if you reach a point that you're not interested let me know and I'ma be cool I'll accept it I'm without what I wanted to be the case I'd rather you be honest with me it would at least increase the chances of a man or even a woman being straightforward and saying you know what I've reached that point rather than letting things drag on because they don't know how to tell you they're no longer interested and going beyond that just anything that we need to talk about let's be brutally honest and I think what's even more awesome about that is if we can get through the brutal honesty in that dating process that sets us up for greater success if we get into an actual relationship or marriage if we've decided that we are a good fit for each other and now we'll be able to see it more clearly because we're being so much more real with each other now man I really think like that can be a revolutionary method for so many people to use is come to that agreement as soon as possible yeah thank you it's really made such a difference because we have we've definitely had those moments when I look I know you don't want to hear this but here is the truth and we actually have received each other very well there was something you said earlier I didn't want to talk it was so freaking powerful so um when it is very confusing I think also for the guys and I don't ever want to again say that the women are the victims because the guys do have it hard as well and so again how do we get on that same page um when it comes to sex and dating and there was one thing that you said that it didn't even dawn on me but you said you know when a guy goes on a date and treats a woman and pays there's an investment there yes and sometimes it can be hard for the guy because sometimes women are just looking for a free dinner yes and I'm never going to paint the picture that women are the perfect species and men aren't so I actually really want to talk about this so that I can so that us women can hear what it's like from your guys's side and that maybe maybe why he tries it on with you yes so one example a story that pops in my head right away is I was speaking at an event a couple years ago and a guy came to me and he said you know how I need help with this whole dating thing and I was like well okay what's going on he's like he moved to Atlanta at the time and he said you know he committed to intentionally dating he said he's been on several dates in the past few months but he's paid spent over a couple thousand dollars and he's like listen at this rate I can't afford this you know what can I do and you know I talked to him about being more creative with his dates because I'm a firm believer that if the woman really likes you she is less critical of what the date encompasses all right so essentially if she really likes you she will be happy with her walk in the park and some ice cream because she's more focused on the opportunity to get to know you and build something with you if she is on the fence if she's not that interested if she just figured oh you know what let me just get a free meal or whatever now she's more likely to criticize oh he took me here he didn't take me to this nice restaurant all these things and that's why I said earlier how much we like the person will determine how we perceive certain actions and things that happen with them and we were much more lenient when we actually are genuinely interested in this individual so I do think that a lot of men have to understand if she's giving you a hard time then chances are she's really not that into you and she's viewing the dates the free food as the value the value isn't you the value is what happens on the date and that's why she's putting so much emphasis on it but when she values you it's a whole different ball game okay pause that because oh my God I literally I was like bobbing so hard my head's hurting because literally this is exactly what happened with my husband I was the person that was like okay you brought up like if you had a nice car I mean they could take care of you I was brought up very traditional and so that was the thing what restaurant you taking me to what's your car like how are you dressed Tom picks me up he's got this really old man Buick his back seat has got all this junk in it and he takes me to a b restaurant in a strip mall on our first date and you know what I didn't give a [ __ ] I was so enamored by him and how intelligent and open and sweet and kind and romantic and chivalrous and and honest he was with me none of that mattered so I'm so sorry as you were talking I was like oh my God that is so true it is so true and it happens in Reverse if the man is Not That Into You and he goes on a date spends money on you whether it be the first date second date and you don't have sex with him he he starts to have a problem problem because again to him the value is in being able to sleep with you not getting to know you but the guy who's really into you and happy to have this opportunity he's much more willing to be patient he's more focused on getting to know you he's not stressed if you guys don't have sex he doesn't feel cheated in some kind of way because he still received the value he was looking for but to get back to women wanting free meals and what it puts a lot of men through yeah there's a lot of men dealing with that issue and again everyone's getting scared everyone's fearful of being played and being taken advantage of and I do think that especially for the women listening to listening to this a lot of women are are oblivious to these types of issues they don't realize there's other women who do this like I've had commenters on some of my videos oh women would never do that and I'm like are you serious Millions who've confessed they've said it that yes they go out for a free meal or because they're bored it happens and so it makes it tough for everybody you know but it's not to like even demonize those women I think it's just a matter of we have to start being honest about one what we're feeling with this individual because again A lot of times they're showing us signs that they're not that interested for whatever reason but we want so bad to have that opportunity so the same way as you said the woman thinks okay I can change his mind to want you know actually want something serious with me what some of these guys are thinking if I could just show her how much I can love her and and cherish and all these things and she'll want to be with me and it's like listen if there is not a natural desire initially then you're fighting a war that you typically are going to lose you know and it's better to just focus on showing up as who you truly are and let the rest you know happen naturally see if there's a real connection there rather than just what you want that's amazing but there is that difference right between if you go on that first day and the woman's like okay I really want you know I'm really looking to find somebody and they go on the day and the guy treats them to dinner and they're not interested right a woman will very rarely are never on a blanket statement but will very rarely then sleep with them if they're not attracted to them if they're not really feeling the vibe they're like oh my God thank you so much for the meal you're a lovely guy and then they bounce yes and it's not intentional that they're trying to use them for the money right it's just they go into it but because they don't have that thing that spark that attraction whatever they then won't take them to bed but the guy is almost the not necessarily the opposite but I've heard you say when a guy goes on a date there's those moments of well I've invested in this day I've paid for the dinner so I want them the sex you know as like maybe at least I get something out of it yeah um and then you've also said yeah and sometimes the guy doesn't even have to be attracted to you he'll still want to have sex so it's very confusing on the difference between the two because at least with a woman you know if if they don't take it any further the chances are well no that's not true I was going to say the chance of it is it it gets confusing too exactly why would you statement uh proof right that it is confusing it's confusing on Bob and so nobody neither side has this clear sign that says 100 this person is not serious based off of those actions right when it comes to sleeping and not sleeping with them that one you never know because again you could have a woman that oh my gosh she is enamored with this man wants him badly but is afraid to be judged is afraid to move too fast so she figures no let me not have sex with him so for that man if he thinks well she didn't have sex with me that means she's not interested that's wrong but it is what a lot of men use as validation that she is interested they want some level of intimacy because again if you're that man and you've been on several of these dates where women are using you just for the free meal then essentially what you experienced was women who were never intimate with you and that makes you feel like okay if that intimacy doesn't happen how can I know she's actually sexually attracted to me all right so I need something or whether it be at least a kiss sex of course he would love it for it to be sex but even kiss would help because it shows some level of intimacy that she's willing to engage in with this man so that's why a lot of men make the first move I think or make that move very quickly I think also what women don't realize and I'll I'll use my own story I remember back in college I went on a date with this uh girl who I was friends with and I played it too cautious and I'm gonna say I played the two College I'm gonna tell you what she said so I did not make an attempt to kiss her and I'm someone who has no problem making a move okay but I said no let me be careful I make no attempt to kiss her we had a great date and then like we talked a few days later and I don't know why somehow nothing materialized after that even though we we actually liked each other and we're attracted to each other I cannot remember what happened but what I can tell you is she said to me I was waiting for you to make a move why didn't you kiss me all right women don't realize how many men have heard that or have have been questioned when they didn't make the move so it's not only oh will she question am I interested if I don't make a move some of them will question your sexuality if you make no move all right so now as a man it puts a lot of men in this uncomfortable position of I have to establish what this is I have to show her no I'm interested in that way as well as the whole dreaded I don't want to be put in the friend zone so if I go on these dates with her and I don't make any moves a lot of men think it's them not being assertive in that way and establishing intimacy earlier that has allowed them to be slid into the friend zone all right now that may not be the actual reason why he's in the friend zone it may just be she always was gonna put you in the friend zone you were never out of it to begin with right but to him it's if I could establish this soon I escape ever being put there you see because now there's intimacy that occur between us and to a lot of people they feel like once they're intimate with someone it's like it's easier to re-establish intimacy with someone you've already been intimate with but if we've never crossed that line and I try to Circle back later either it's an uphill battle and and with a woman what a lot of men have experienced is that a woman can change like the seasons sometimes like okay you may have caught her in the right moment right now for her to accept your date and give this a chance but literally two weeks later she's like I don't feel like dating anyone right now or or I'm gonna focus on me or whatever it is she's completely her mind has shifted your opportunity is lost so it's like you have to strike while the iron is hot that's how a lot of men feel because if not you may never see this opportunity again I think the other aspect or the other angle that women are considering is that if that man is really into you he making a move for a lot of men the concern is am I being disrespectful by doing this you know am I going to turn her off because she's like you're moving too fast he doesn't know how you're going to receive it and he's more concerned about how you'll react to it and so yes a lot of it like I've even had men say to me that they felt like trying to make any sexual move too early was disrespectful and I was like if she likes you she's not going to view it as disrespectful it's disrespectful if she declines and you continuously try to push to make it happen now we got a problem but simply making a respectable attempt and I say respectable like you don't force yourself on her but you smoothly ease your way into it it's not going to be a problem but a lot of men they're worried and the more he likes you the more likely he's going to be worried how you will receive it so yes they're waiting for that sign that says the green light that says okay proceed and even then I'm gonna be real with you there's a lot of women who can give the green light and he still won't do anything because again he's kind of paralyzed by his fear of I don't want to mess things up and I think that some women again it can get so confusing because there's so many different people who view things differently like there are women out there who will feel like him trying to have sex is oh he's being disrespectful he's doing too much no him him not respecting how you feel about it that is where you say oh this guy's not serious this guy doesn't have genuine intent this guy doesn't care about how I feel now I know I cannot work with this man and again some men who have not gone further have only later on heard how that woman was waiting for him to go further and he lost his opportunity you know or some I mean again questioning sexuality that has happened more than people want to realize tell me but you're right yeah don't make your move it means that all of a sudden your your sexuality is questioned yes that's what and I'm sorry I'm telling you like I wish I wish more women could understand what men are going through because then I think it would help because as we mentioned earlier the one of the big problems is that when these situations don't go well when things don't work out the way that we want them to there's a tendency to look at it as these men are full of crap they're playing games they're users rather than viewing them as human beings that have their own fears and concerns that are trying to navigate the situation like you are so the same way that you're confused about okay well why hasn't he made a move he's confused about does she want me to make a move and we're just trying to navigate this together and that's why to me I always say it's not about what the person does it's about how they handle your feelings about it how they handle you addressing it that's what you're really gonna see what we're working with here because again the guy who's just toxic the guy who just wants to have sex he is not going to be as respectful and as considerate of your feelings when you make it known now it doesn't mean there aren't guys out there who are I hate to use the word smart but who are Sly enough to recognize okay if she says no let me respect it even though that's my only intent here but it's very hard for them to maintain that position and to show that consistently throughout the dating process if all they want is sex from you oh my God that's so amazing and I interrupted you earlier but I didn't mean well I wanted to tell that story but um I think you were going to say about that the guy who um is basically invested and so when they take someone out on dates you said hey look there's other ways to do it so that you don't feel that pressure of oh my god I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars and so I should at least have something to show for it yeah um what other advice did you give him I interrupted you when you were saying so the main thing was again getting creative with the dates that's really the number one thing so my thing is this if you can't handle inexpensive dates then you shouldn't be dating at all it's just not time all right I think it's one thing to be to embrace an opportunity that comes your way so let's just call it for what it is let's say you're a guy who's broke all right you're not financially stable at all and and to me broke means you cannot stand on your own two feet you cannot handle your own bills all right so it doesn't mean you got to be rich or nothing you just have to be able to take care of yourself so you're not there yet I don't think you should be pursuing dating in that phase of your life you should be focused on Main establishing stability creating a strong Foundation you don't want to have a woman walk into that mess now if you are grinding to get yourself stable and in that process a woman comes about in the natural flow of life and you guys kick it off I'm not going to tell you to run from Love and run from that opportunity but that's different than the guy who's out there trying to date so in his case it's like okay you're saying it's getting expensive but again he's spending hundreds of dollars on each date that's not necessary if she really likes you simplify the date and and look at it as this to me I think we put too much on the first date I feel like First Dates need to be simple for everyone for everyone who is trying to date with the intention of can we make this into a relationship and let's not add too much fluff to the first date because the fluff can be distracting meaning there was this one guy who went on a couple dates and I think the first date was a concert and the second date was like some kind of festival or something and then things kind of went left and I said to him I said listen don't ever take a woman to a concert on the first date because let's just say uh the artist is Mariah Carey and she loves Mariah Carey and she's always wanted to go to a Mariah Carey concert well her joy that she's experiencing on that date because she's at a Mariah Carey concert will confuse her as far as how she views you and her ability to actually have fun with you see she's not having fun because she's with you she's having fun because she listens to Mariah Carey all right and that's what she wanted me so it's it can be the same thing as if you take her to this amazing restaurant not that that's the the horrible thing to do because it's more normal for us to experience that but even that can sometimes scramble the brain of the individual like oh my gosh this if I if she's a woman that's never been taken to nice places then you taking us this extremely nice place can cause it to feel like do I really want to let this guy go like he treats me so well and I get to go to these nice restaurants and I really like these restaurants they say she loves to eat I love all these experiences so now she's attached to that not the guy but the guy's gonna get drawn out in this long process of her holding on to him but her not really being into him but if we simplify the date and make it more about two people talking getting to know each other without all the extra stuff now we get to really see do we actually like each other and now we can spend more money as we proceed like this idea of spending all this money on the first date now if you have it like that do what you want to do all right I just think it's good practice in general to make that first date not expensive not in all extra just again walks on the park coffee ice cream something simple all right at a Starbucks whatever I think that's the best way to go because now if we like each other after that we have something we can work with is so good dude that's so good like I I almost like if I was going to outdate going to on a date now I would completely shift the way that I think because I would definitely go into being like okay so did they book the restaurant that means something is the restaurant five star that means something do they pick me up that me right and yeah you kind of have this list of like oh if they do X Y and Z this means something if they just offer to meet me at Starbucks and go for a walk it means that they don't want a serious relationship and look this is me saying that that I would have interpreted so um I think that's so powerful that I would then myself make a complete shift and say oh I want to only meet at Starbucks and go for a walk in the park because that is the true thing of whether they're interested in me and I'm interested in them yes and that's the thing and think about now by by doing that we eliminate the two factors that make the opposite genders feel used in situations simple date no sex now the woman doesn't have to worry about you know this being a he just wants me for sex issue men minimal expenses he doesn't feel used for his money all right now it's about we're both giving time so we're equally investing time into this and we're focused on diving deeper into each other and seeing do we really align with each other do we want the same things do we enjoy each other's presence it's so much easier to do that on a simplified date and I just think if people did it more it would make it would it would also speed up the dating process as far as seeing quickly if we can make this work or not because too many people are letting the dating process drag along with somebody and they develop what I call dating fatigue so now you you've allowed this person to remain longer than they should have it was never going to really work if you go through this enough times you become so exhausted with the process that now even if the right person showed up you don't have the energy for it you're also now more negative and skeptical because the last few people that wasted your time or that you wasted time with if all right so to me it would minimize that dating fatigue and get people in and out the door a lot faster and now imagine if if I have to go on five dates in the next two weeks but they're all simple coffee dates then there's no oh my gosh I'm spending too much money or I'm doing this so I'm doing that or if you're a woman I'm getting intimate with five different people no you see what I'm saying because now we kept it simple we removed those things it's either we can make it work or we can't Ah that's so true and then what about like the daytime like investors night time as you were talking I was like if you go for a coffee during the day also it kind of eliminates that like yes pressure of thinking that they're gonna try it on yes I definitely think daytime dates is the way to go like if if I invite a woman on a date I typically offer lunch or brunch I don't go for dinner I mean if they want dinner okay cool but to me I like to keep a lunch or brunch that's where again we're not focused on that other stuff we're just focused on going out enjoying ourselves seeing what the vibe is that's it so I definitely think that would help for everybody and again if it's lunch or brunch or around that time or even breakfast whatever it's gonna be naturally more less expensive it's not easy to be the one that's constantly spending every single time whereas a woman may get exhausted with the time that she's giving to these different men the men can get exhausted by the mom Mondays he has to spend to all these different women and not knowing each time will this go anywhere so we're all getting cynical in our own way but for different reasons and then as we become cynical we then go on more dates and now two cynical people become together and now you're very confused on both sides yes yes and that's why we have to change the way we look at things we have to we have to not allow cynical being cynical to creep in being negative to creep in like I don't view people as this one's so talk well of course again there are toxic people but I think a lot of situations are just symptoms of they're with the wrong person so what I mean by that is this if a woman another example I feel the need to use for some reason is kind of hitting my spirit I knew a woman one time where all the guys she dated or was in relationships with uh there was this rumor or this reputation being built that she was approved in these relations when it comes to sexual being sexual with them all right very very conservative yet there was this other guy that I knew about and everybody else knew about where with this guy from what I was told she was like completely wide open sexually with this guy and I use that to say you can have someone that can be with 10 people and they struggle to maybe be as open as they need to be they don't give them the level of treatment those 10 people deserve yet that same person you get with that one individual who is that one person for them and now it's a completely different ballgame so what that says to me is that this individual was capable but those 10 people weren't a good fit for them it did not tap into their true self it did not bring out their full potential and that's various reasons for that but the fact remains that rather than always viewing it as these horrible people it's no we're not right for each other and when we're not right for each other people start to behave in ways that are not healthy again even some of the the most nicest sweetest women have done things whether they realize it or not like for example neglecting their partner in certain ways but to them they may have validated it through well he's not doing this or he's not doing that no you guys are just not right for each other and if you were in the right relationship you'd be doing all these things same way if he was in the right relationship he'd be doing all these things so part of it is people lack a relationship education we'll call it but I think a big portion is you can't tap into that true potential of a human being unless they're in the right place I agree with that there is something nice to find there is double standards as a woman so it's like if you do sleep with the guy on the first date you do some most a lot of time get labeled oh you're a slight you're easy you know you're saying by the general population Maybe by other guys it's like oh well she sleeps with people on the first date she must be easy and yet if a guy sleeps with someone on their first day it's not considered a necessarily A Bad Thing from their situation you're right so this opens a whole new discussion all right so what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your besties and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I'll see you on the inside and I want to warn the women all right I'm going to be very honest but it's always with love and to give you know the truth so that they can understand what's going on here let's start with the fact that you know one argument I've always made is that when a woman says or when women say men don't get judged for sleeping with these women like that I respond with well because you guys don't judge them do you see what I'm saying like you you're you're saying why can't men be held to this same standard but you're not holding them to that same standard so if you meet this guy and he sleeps around but you still Embrace being with him then why would you expect men to be the ones to say well no we should be held to that same standard and you should judge us no it's on you I hate to agree with you oh my God you did caveat this before you said it you're just being honest I so appreciate that and so in real time I'm going to then respond as well because I think this is super important to have this it's true so so that that that's the beginning of it but then I think we have to be honest with ourselves about the fact that the process of a man getting sex in the process of a woman getting sex are viewed completely different and they are completely different the reality is that the one of the reasons why men are not judged the same is because for a man to sleep with women he has to present a level of value the average person is going to say what's great about him that he can be getting all these different women is he just a smooth talker does he have money is he packing you know whatever it's like you're thinking something is great about this dude that he can get all these women and more specifically if they're desirable women if they look like women that well dang a lot of men will be happy to have that and he's just getting this one and that one so now it actually can Intrigue a woman because she wants to know what's so special about him okay but now let's flip it oh woman having sex with a bunch of different men doesn't require any special talent it doesn't require all it requires is for her to say she's open for business I hope doesn't sound too bad but that's really what it is like like you know it I I use this analogy before where if a straight man walked into a bar and says I'm here for sex all right people are going to look at him like he's crazy all right and he's probably walking out with nothing okay if a woman walks in and says I'm here for sex there's a line of guys who are going to come to her whether outright or maybe like behind the scenes they're going to try to creep their way to her they're coming all she has to say is I'm willing so now the woman is viewed like you're giving this away so freely to men rather than you're getting these men to sleep with you you know what I'm saying and that's why it immediately gets viewed differently because it's like why aren't you holding to a higher standard and being more selective of who you give this to because you can give it to whoever you pretty much want to [Music] and that's the thing I think also we have to and I kind of mentioned this on on Lewis's show where I think we're we're running away from biological facts about men and women all right and I think that this fight for equality is is going against the need for balance and an understanding of our differences that create Harmony so one of the things I mentioned is how the argument that women want sex just as much as men I think it's pure nonsense okay I think a woman couldn't want sex as much as a man all right so there are women out there with extremely high sex drives but on average women are not wired to want sex as much as men simply looking at testosterone and estrogen testosterone increases libido if you gave a woman testosterone injections libido goes up any woman who started to work out will tell you she's starting to feel hornier after she started working out consistently because it's raising her testosterone which raises her libido so we naturally have a higher libido a higher desire a higher need for sexual interaction than the average woman does so when we engage in that we're going to be viewed differently than the woman engaging in that because it's viewed more so as this biological need that we're trying to manage whereas the woman and and if we're honest a lot of women who are very promiscuous there tends to be something else going on behind that it's not just sex driven I'll give you one example I knew a girl and and I'm someone who I don't judge anyone and you know if a woman's promiscuous I'm not judging her neither but I do understand that they may be deeper issues at play sometimes but with this woman this is going to sound crazy but she had slept with three guys and they were all friends okay and we're talking about it and I said I said what are you doing I said I know you can't tell me those three men are satisfying you sexually so what's your motive here and she stopped and she said you know you're right it was kind of the thrill of it like the actual content of sex wasn't what it was it was I guess this idea that she can get all three of these guys and that made her feel a certain kind of way empowered and she was riding off of that high but the actual sex was mediocre at best you know and so this a lot of times for a lot of women again it doesn't mean there aren't women out there with high libidos who are being driven by their own true sexual desires but even when it comes to sleeping on first dates and stuff like that a lot of these women do it because they want the man to like her not because she has this desire I really just want it because I want it can that happen of course but it's it's other things I had another woman once where she was told Growing Up by her father she was ugly and that she was only good for laying on her back so she became a very promiscuous woman but it wasn't because she was so so much enjoying the sex is because she felt like that's her only value in life so she just continuously gave herself to men in that way so it's it's it's just that we have to understand that what leads to those behaviors are very different from men and women in the vast majority of cases and so because of that that leads to a different view or quote-unquote judgment on those individuals because they're engaging in such acts and and I think everyone has to be honest with themselves about the why why are you actually doing this you know if it is really who you are and you are happy and at peace as a woman then you have to just accept that regardless of how Society May view you you're living in your truth all right and and be at peace with that but we're never gonna get the rest of the world to always look at things the way that we want to look at them or we want them to look at it and we shouldn't let them stop us from being who we truly are oh that's so beautiful I'm glad you said that I was definitely going to say look if a woman just wants to have sex all the time and she's freaking enjoyed it guys go ham like this should be you even said earlier like no judgment like if that's the thing that that you love and you really do and you've assess like is this maybe from Childish is there any trauma and you visit oh no actually I just freaking love you go people go enjoy it like that's super important I never want to judge women like that and the whole idea that women need to wait for marriage like I don't agree with any of that I'm always just like what is the thing that you really want to do that's authentically you and then do it but just know it may be perceived whether it's right along it may be perceived in a certain way yes and with you breaking it down I think that's really just like very transparent and honest and so I go instead of battling like no that's not what I go okay if this is truth now how can I show up knowing everything and the whole biological thing by the way I'm so glad you said that because I don't ever think like I'm definitely like absolute all about equality female empowerment but I don't think that that means that we are the same exactly like it doesn't mean that by saying no men and women are not the same doesn't mean that women are less than exactly it just means that we're not the same and that we show up in very different ways but we are equal yeah and I always view it as we are equal to the success of this relationship we are equal to the success of society we cannot thrive in this world without each other we need each other so we're equal in this sense but now after that there's going to be differences and one of the other examples I want to bring up that I feel has happened due to this push of saying women want sex just as much as men or women are just like men is where in a lot of marriages there's a huge disconnect sexually because if you're telling a man that women are just like us well then that man thinks why do I need to give you foreplay why do I need to mentally stimulate you why do I need to make sure you're good outside of the bedroom to be good inside the bedroom why do we need any of these extra things because when I'm ready to go I'm ready to go so if you're like me you should be ready to go when it's time to go so when you now tell a man that no you have to nurture these other aspects of a woman for her to be more sexually receptive to you he thinks that's crazy talk because all he's been told is well they're just like us but that's not true women need if a woman emotionally or mentally is in a completely different place she cannot enjoy herself sexually all right if she's too much in her head she's not gonna experience the same level of enjoyment that that man will that's why I kind of make this joke where you know sex for a lot of couples is when the man goes to work he always gets paid orgasm but when the woman goes to work sometimes she gets paid and sometimes she does it okay some women aren't getting paid at all and so women betting bloody get paid exactly but if you're not getting paid why would you want to come to work yeah all right so the thing is if we don't understand the differences in order to tap into and nurture those things we can't create better sexual Harmony and better sexual results you see if men understood more that nurturing that emotional and mental aspect of her is going to allow her to be more relaxed if you learn you have to create an environment where she doesn't feel judged and she feels safe she can now let go sexually now we get to tap into the true potential of what this could be but if you keep telling them where the exact same they're not going to understand that in in realizing this this was one of the things that actually helped me my husband in all marriage was saying oh okay women need love to want sex men want sex to to feel the love yes and that only just doing a blanket statement like that obviously it's very blanket statement but it allowed me and my husband to understand why like if I haven't felt connected to him and then he'll come up to me and like try and make a move and I'm like why even been kind of we've barely spoken about me like you know and put me into bed and but that's how he needs to then feel the love to then pour into me and yet the other way around is I need to know that it's not going out for dinner that he really wants it's the sex first and then going out for dinner and then just kind of knowing the difference between the two really does allow us to use the communication because that's the biggest part to then come reconnected and I don't then interpret him making the move as dismissive to you know our connection emotionally and I think I might have said this to you before but um I think it was Sting that basically he did like people were saying oh this thing has Tantra sex and he has sex for like nine hours and then he did this interview and he's like I don't have sex for nine hours he's like I get up in the morning and I make my wife coffee I then make sure I take her out for brunch and then I buy her flowers and then I take her home and run the bath that's the nine hours of the sex but it's just it just it is a stepping stone to the actual intercourse but it's the nine hours of the foreplay the like making sure they feel it and in just knowing that there's no judgment it's just in knowing that now you know how to show up for your partner you know how to give the gift that they want not the gift you want yes and again it's and it boils down to understanding and accepting our differences because again we don't need all that we don't but you guys do and there's nothing wrong with either side it's just how we're wired as human beings and there's Beauty in that because it brings a level of balance to the relationship you know what I'm saying and the reality is that listen even though we may not need those things we can still take enjoyment in those things you know know and it's the same way even though the woman wants the intimacy doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy the sex she just needs the non-sexual intimacy too she needs all of it and that's why how we create this amazing relationship I also want to mention just for the sake of those who are watching like we talked about if a woman wants to just have sex having sex now of course for me there's that spiritual aspect and that's why I like even waiting till marriage or whatever I'll say this I think it's if everyone could I think the world would have been a better place you yes I think if everyone could have but I realize we're way past that okay and it's very difficult for most people that's why I encourage at the very least wait till you know what you're getting yourself into wait till you know that you are at peace and comfortable with whatever is going to happen next like to me I don't want women to have sex with the idea of well if I have sex with him he should be calling me tomorrow he should be liking me he should want more no you should have it because you want to experience that you are okay with just having the experience and now whatever happens after that is kind of the a side note it isn't the main goal from actually having the sex you know because if he doesn't call you and that's what you were waiting for now you feel used you feel hurt now it has a negative impact on you but if you did it for the experience and nothing materializes you'll still be able to say okay well I did what I wanted to do I enjoyed it things didn't work out but you know I don't feel cheated for giving myself in that way and that's what I want women to avoid and I love that for that reason a thousand percent the thing that I've just heard a lot more of now that more women are more comfortable talking about sex is that they they think that maybe they have to wait but the truth is sexual pleasure especially with a woman um there's an exploration there and I know a lot of women actually in their older life where they didn't explore they got with somebody young they got with maybe they married the first person they slept with and then in the old adulthood they realize maybe they've got divorced like oh my God this is what sex was you know women in their late 40s and 50s they're like I've been missing out all these years because they didn't know any different yeah and so part of me and look I'm not saying that you have to go have sex with other people to then understand your body and what Pleasures you actually that should be really the key right is that maybe practice on yourself and you know I'm a big advocate for masturbation and porn it's like you should know what you like but we I was brought up and definitely not talking about any of that so I didn't think about it and it wasn't until I definitely had slept with other guys before I met my husband and it wasn't until Tom that I was like oh this is what's up I was like holy smoke like what have I been doing this whole time um but it literally was like I mean you know it wasn't until Tom who then uh helped me actually get comfortable Within Myself now look again I don't think we should wait for somebody else to allow us to get comfortable within our own ourselves but there is that element and of if you wait and you're not necessarily exploring your own body you could miss out on the magic of sex in case you're partnering you don't actually gel completely sexually so so here's here's the way I look at it now because I used to the same as you I used to be a huge like people should masturbate porn all that kind of stuff I've kind of veered away from that for a few reasons before I even get to that let me say this I think the the idea of you know we wait and we end up sleeping with someone and the sex isn't that good and so we kind of missed out or whatever I feel that as long as we have a connection everything can turn out amazing all right the connection is the true foundation to the great sex because you have plenty of examples of people who had sex initially it was great and over time it completely fell off it went to trash because there was no connection to sustain it because at the core of great sex is two people willing to fulfill the desires of the other all right that's what it really boils down to if one or the other is selfish the sex is not going to be that great all right so if you don't have a connection that means you're not deeply into this individual you don't have this deep uh strong desire to make them happy and to please them well your ability to show up in the bedroom in that way is completely diminished over time because initially people are writing off of the pride I want to show up and show them what I can do you know what I'm saying and put on a whole show but they don't like you enough they're not going to consistently want to please you it now becomes about them and now we create this huge disconnect in the bedroom so I think we have to start with if the concern is great sex for the for the long term we have to start with connection then I think the reason why I kind of veered from porn and masturbation things of that nature is because one so I'm not I'm not going to say that people haven't been able to do it and keep it within a healthy uh box so to speak right but for a lot of people they can't handle it and it creates this this environment where people now start to rely more on themselves so it's almost like if we're married and I have porn and masturbation as an outlet the minute that let's say you're not in the mood for whatever reason rather than me trying to understand what the problem is and correct it I run to point of masturbation I'm always running to these Outlets because now that it's always been there it becomes second nature it can actually create greater Detachment between two individuals now again some people have been able to manage it and it doesn't cause that problem a lot of people don't a lot of people don't even with toys it can get tricky because yes you can use it to enhance the experience but some people end up it becomes the real alternative and then it becomes the number one thing they're actually going more to that than their partner and so to me if we if we eliminate or at the very least try to minimize those things as best as possible and we focus on learning each other and learning each other's bodies like I feel like a lot of people have great sex off of the energy of it and yes there's a level of skill involved in things of that nature but you have yet to master their body you don't know every single point of her body that reacts this way and feels that way once you take time to master the person's body you will be on a level that no one else can match because the Casual situation doesn't even have time to get that in tune with the individual okay we can only achieve that level of Mastery through a a pro long situation or long-term relationship we need time to build into that I also think going back to the point of women having sex very soon I think what women don't consider is that a lot of women when they have sex very early on they're still not completely comfortable so they may have wanted to do it but they're not comfortable yet so they're not coming with their a game it might be more like CC plus so depending on what that man that man's uh scale of what is great to him that c plus could cause him to look at you like oh I can't be with her because the sex is subpar not knowing that no you have a whole nother level to go to that you haven't shown him yet but you're not comfortable to go there yet you need to warm up to it so this is where it can become a problem because if you're gonna have sex soon and you don't come with it or you don't come with what you really are sexually you're giving giving a misrepresentation of yourself and now you might get lucky into where that level is good enough for him to still be happy and not think anything wrong with it but to a very experienced guy he might be thinking oh no and it reminds me of the situation where like again back in college I had this guy friend and he would say if a woman doesn't give him oral sex uh when they have sex for the first time he's not dealing with her no more wow he's done he's like if she can't do that with the sex no forget it and I said to him I said listen man she just may not be comfortable yet like give it a couple times you might see something change no I know that's crazy if you don't do the first time together I said trust me just give her a chance so the next time he had a situation like that he waited and it was like by the third time they're engaged not only did she do it it was like super amazing and I said you see you never know but this is the problem with having sex too fast without establishing a strong foundation and also being more transparent about what we like sexually and and how we what what is our high level because okay it's one thing to say listen I using oral sex as an example I truly believe in it I engage in it but it takes me time to feel comfortable giving that to a guy or you'll have some women say I I enjoy it but I want to at least have an official relationship but people don't have those conversations so when it doesn't happen his assumption is you just don't do it you just don't like doing it and if that's important to me well that's a deal breaker situation is dead I'm convinced all right all right um no I mean that that was so amazing and as you were talking I was like wow it really is going back to like the the difference between us is that I think a lot of women and again I'm just going to speak for myself I really did need the trust and I think that that's probably a big part of why I was so enamored by Tom and I was like this is what sex is oh my God it was because I trusted him I was able to really let my guard down I um and so when I think we're able to do that you do then I mean when you think about orgasms right let's just kind of go deeper into this like your body needs to relax it needs to kind of give over but if you're not in a relationship or a sexual relationship where you feel that super safe and secure and trust them then it may be harder you know not 100 so not a story I have is there was a woman she was in a relationship uh for a few years during that whole time no orgasms all right none at all they finally get married orgasm City it's like the walls burst wide open and she's free at last okay then unfortunately a few years into marriage he was in the military he cheats on her orgasm stuff and it's the most perfect example of if the woman does not feel safe and secure and what what brings that Safety and Security will vary with each woman right but if she doesn't feel safe and secure it will be very difficult for her to be comfortable enough to open up not just open up enough to enjoy the experience at its fullest but open up to present herself or what she does for him in that experience and so that's why that's a huge key and that's why women have to be honest with themselves about what level of security and safety that do you need and let's talk about that let's understand and there's nothing wrong yes for some women they may not be able to be that relaxed until they have a committed relationship or marriage you know and so to me I would argue if that's what you need then don't have sex until you get that whatever that is that allows you to really be free and let loose because now this is when we really see how great we mesh sexually when we're not holding back anymore another thing to consider though is I know of situations if I'm honest I've experienced this I'm just going to put my business out there where I remember one side it sounds so bad I'm just gonna keep it real one time I was having sex with a woman and I'm very in tune I I just think there's something that God gave me that is very in tune picks up on energy very observant so even in the process of sex I catch certain things I could feel her body was reaching about to reach orgasm and she would stop it okay every time she would stop it and I'm like okay what's going on here so afterwards we kind of had a conversation about it not like directly afterwards another time and I brought her attention I said yo I feel like every time you kind of pull back and long story short she kind of expressed how she felt basically if she let go and allowed herself to reach that point it would cause her to be so much more attached to me and at that time we didn't have an official relationship it was more of a casual thing so this is kind of her safeguarding herself and not allowing herself to fall too deep so a lot of women hold back because they're afraid of them I let go and really allow myself to enjoy this forget just even orgasm just enjoy this at a greater level I will struggle more with detaching from this man if he's not already providing that Safety and Security and so it creates this disconnect and again it can throw things off in that relationship and I think it's also a sign of then don't do it if you have to hold back like that that means you're not feeling safe and comfortable that means you haven't reached that level where you can open up discuss it and if that man is unwilling to provide that then don't even have sex with him because now you're only selling yourself short you're selling the experience short and it's not going to help you get what you want anyway so just walk away from it God that's so true there is that moment of like you know yourself well enough you know like if I do this oh I'm like I've opened the flood game yes like there's almost like no returning from it um and so I think especially if you've been scorned in the past and I get it right I understand if you've had heartbreak in the past if you felt used in the past there are going to be those moments where you're like oh don't go there you've been there before you saw where it got you so just stop at this this line right here and not being able to maybe go slowly over the line but like I said it's either kind of the doors are shut or the floodgates open um and there is that fear that what if I go backwards what if I end up being that person that let them walk over me use me again I'm so fearful that I'm going to keep these doors shut forever yes and that and that shows that healing is needed there needs to be healing this isn't the time to maybe even be dating I mean it may have helped expose the situation but ultimately take a step back and focus on flushing that hurt and Trauma out of your system so you're not you're not proceeding with those thoughts lingering in your head but also still being honest with yourself I think a lot of women deep inside there there are so much more women right now that I feel want a relationship but are not being honest and vocal about it all right either out of the shame of they don't want to make it seem like they're they're needy or they're thirsty for a relationship or you know there's other people saying you don't need a man you're good you know some people want to make empowerment about not wanting or needing a man I view empowerment as living your truth and if your truth is you want a relationship cool if your truth is you are cool being single cool just live your truth because I want you to be happy in that peace but when you're not living your truth you're at conflict with self you know what I'm saying and now that causes all kinds of stress and all kinds of issues but a lot of women if they were more honest about it with themselves and with the men they are dating that can also help avoid some of these situations because again she meets this man she knows she wants a relationship she knows she wants future marriage but in the fear of I don't want to rock the boat I don't want to push them away let me agree to his going with the flow or let me act like I'm cool with this casual thing when you're not cool and and to your point earlier you might be thinking okay well maybe I can just play it casual for now and I can change his mind eventually no you're getting yourself into more trouble and real quick this is popped in my head there's this book I always forget the name of the book but essentially the book surveys people or it it came up with the seven things that make women more increase their chances of marriage all right and it was like a scientific study they did by studying all these different groups and one of the things on that list was not staying in dead end situations and relationships the women who would tend to get married knew how to cut things off fast and let things Linger on and I think women underestimate the power of learning how to cut off quickly and knowing yourself enough to know that if you recognize this guy's not really for you but you're trying to give it a chance I don't think you should but let's just say you give it a chance anyway you got to know that point that if you cross it you're gonna have a much harder time letting go so don't cross that point whether that's sex whether that's giving him money whether that's meeting his parents if there's kids involved if you know meeting the kids is going to get you stuck don't get that far get it I don't think you should get close to that line but you can get as close as you want without making sure you don't cross it and before you cross it you have to say okay I'm at the breaking point I know at this point I have to make a decision either I'm going to go all in which if you know he's not the one for you you shouldn't but or I'm going to recognize except what I already knew let him go move on that would save a lot of Heartache a lot of stress a lot of unnecessary relationships and situations that's so powerful now as you were talking I was like oh we should all write this before we go on dates and before we start to date because actually just knowing what that line is yes is very powerful and addressing it before you get to the line because when you're at the line you can maybe coach yourself you can lie to yourself you can give yourself reasons why aren't you going to put a toe over it right and then it's not really a toe you're sprinting yeah so kind of like knowing what that line is I actually thinking just powerful like is it the parents is it the kids is it the family like I think that's so beautiful is it posting on social media all of these things yes definitely yeah because that's a good one too because yes some people feel trapped because now they've presented this relationship to the world and they're afraid of how it's going to look if now it's gone so now they struggle with completely walking away from it you know so all all of those things you have to know yourself well enough to know what creates creates that dilemma in your life yeah I love that and something you said earlier actually about just like being honest with yourself about wanting somebody I think that's so powerful the the thing that I will um say I've realized differently in my adulthood is you don't need a man but man if you want one hell yeah there you go I used to felt like I used to feel like I needed my husband and the biggest blessing during our marriage was that I realized I didn't need him I want him and I actually think that's way more powerful that I'm now with him not out of necessity but out of desire and so I think if somebody's sitting there saying oh my God I need a man you need to I think maybe identify what is that thing that's missing from your life that you need to maybe work on so that you're not looking externally whether it's too externally to a friend or to a partner or to a parent or to a boss like I think it's always important to look internally but to your point if you want a partner we shouldn't shy away from it and the message of you don't need anyone who's like no you don't need anyone but if you want one go say that out loud yes I want a relationship yes I want a partner that doesn't make you weak that doesn't make you less than that doesn't make you less than a woman like own that [ __ ] yes and I think that's powerful so I'm really glad that you said that absolutely no and I 100 agree and like you said it's like I've even said that to myself like for me as a spiritual man the only thing I need is God I need God I need water because I can't stay alive without water I need oxygen all right like we have to really understand what the word need means it means we cannot survive without this yeah we all can survive without a partner we will all be fine at the end of the day if we can't if a partner is not in our card so to speak but yes doesn't mean we don't desire it it doesn't mean that a partner couldn't enhance our life and make it even better you know but you want a foundation of peace and being happy within self before you think you need it from someone else and now you place that responsibility on them rather than showing up as this full happy wonderful person that can pour into them as they can pour into you with that same energy yeah I realize that in the reverse so I realized I was turning to my husband anytime I need something for him to you know quote unquote come and save me like if I was having trouble on anything I'll return to him and it felt very comforting at the time because you don't actually realize you're doing it because my husband's so amazing he would always show up for me and then um there was one moment where I had that massive health issue and I couldn't get a hold of him I was calling him I was calling I was calling I couldn't get a hold of him and I'm actually on my knees I've got massive stomach cramps I'm holding my stomach on the floor I need my husband I need my husband and he wasn't answering and in that moment I was like all right well he's not turning up so you've got a choice you can stay on your knees or you can realize you're the hero of your own life get the [ __ ] up yeah and in that moment I was like oh yes you are your own hero get the F up and because I told myself that I got up and that changed everything that changed the way I saw myself my own identity and I was very open to my husband saying I've been leaning on you for everything and now I've actually realized there are things I have to work through myself so that I know that I'm here for myself and that doesn't mean I I don't love you any less that doesn't change my relationship with you it's just I've realized I've put in the burden on you when actually I need to show up for myself and that mentality in that relationship element then spilled into how I shop for my business how I shop in my career how I show up for my friends how I show up for my family it literally impacted everything and so just by using the difference between the need and the one I think is super powerful for women to be able to embrace yeah and not shy away from the fact that maybe you want a relationship and that's okay and I will say because I think you know the problem with these discussions in a general sense is that the words can get so tricky because we apply them differently in different moments so I'm thinking now like I've said to people because I I'm 100 on the same page with you right now but I've said to people you know you know what you want God knows what you need right so again It's tricky because I guess I have to now start to be conscious about rewording it and saying God knows what's best for you all right because again the needing is like you cannot survive without this and though he does know what you need in a general sense it's it's not about relationships you know what I'm saying he just knows who can align with you on this path what's truly best for you and because I do think that sometimes when we get caught up in just the want aspect well the want is based off our own logic and understanding of things and sometimes that's very limited and I think wants are very fluid as well like what you wanted at 24 may not be what you want at 32 and what you want at 38 but I am a firm believer that what was best for you what is truly best for you as far as a partner in a long-term relationship was always the same throughout your entire life all right it may not have been time to receive it at certain times in your life but who you are going to align with who was going to be best for you those traits those characteristics were consistently always the same because I feel like we don't live life to to decide and create who we want to be I feel like we live life to discover who we actually are that life is about working through these limiting mindsets that say well you can't do this or this doesn't make sense or they're going to look at you funny for this and as we evolve and we accept no wait a minute that's that's who I am that's what I enjoy that's what fills my heart this is the person that this is how I operate once we accept it now we've come into the full fruition of our true selves and it's easier for us to now see who we can live life with at that point oh my God I'm now going to change my language and say what's best instead of one I really like that like words really do matter and so that's actually a beautiful way of putting it um the one thing I want to make sure that we definitely cover here is I'm we've given the grace to assume that no one means harm right on the male side the female side with all this communication but there are a bucket of guys that absolutely will use you for sex yes and I don't want to I I would be honestly heartbroken if we left this episode with actually talking about this because I don't want us to put blinders on on the fact that that isn't also true and I think that that's also another thing where a lot of women get um hung up on on that they have been used a guy has blatantly lied to them and said oh no this or maybe they've said certain words and that made them believe it was more than a one night stand or just sex um and they've then committed their lives but they spent a lot of their time um pouring into this relationship or the dynamic with the guy only to then find out down the road that oh yeah they actually did only want me for sex so I'd love to talk about a couple of the signs of when the guy is just blatantly only in it for sex and we may not see the signs okay so as always the quick disclaimer like you know there's always going to be exceptions to the rule of course and sometimes it can still get confusing but I think these are very strong signs that will typically mean this is what it is number one he doesn't want to take you anywhere all right again as I said earlier the guy who just wants to have sex is trying to get is trying to get the most for the least effort okay so a lot I've had situations where the guy will only tell him to come to his house or want to go to her house I've had situations where the guy only wants to go to a hotel room all right that's the only place that he'll meet up with the woman they're not trying to be out and about with you okay it is extremely rare for a guy with genuine intent not to make some kind of accommodations to take you out so if he's 100 refusing it everything is about being at his house of yours he just wants sex plain and simple all right I think the the second thing is that he doesn't respect your want your desire to want to wait for it so it's one thing for um let's say you're a woman you're going on a date with this man and you let him know Hey listen I'm not into rushing into that I want to take my time and I don't know when it's gonna take a while if he's all about sex again most guys are dropping you at that point plain and simple they're going to be some who will hang on because they're going to try to see they're going to maneuver through this but most guys are dry and when I say drop you at that point they will continue with the actual date Maybe but they're not going to be hitting you up consistently after that and all these things if you made it clear that sex is kind of off the table at this point all right so I think that establishing that early and seeing how they handle it is going to tell you a lot of where their head is at because again the guy who wants you for more than that is going to be more considerate more respectful be willing to be more patient those guys they don't have the patience for that because in their head well I can go have sex with someone else and if a woman says well yeah well they can keep talking to you while they're having sex with other people yes but the chances that they will show up in other ways in that relationship while waiting is extremely unlikely so to be as I mentioned earlier to be talking to you every day to be going on multiple dates all that just to have sex no not in most cases so I think that it how how patient he is willing to be with it and what I was going to mention is now if you say that to him he says okay cool I respect that I'm willing to wait and let's say it's a date later and you guys have sex that's different because he was willing to wait but in the natural flow things still happen Okay so be it now if he pressured you into it that's a whole different story and that's another thing it's one thing for that man to verbally say I respect it but how is his behavior is he still trying to pressure it is he still pushing is he still showing a man who's not honoring your boundaries this is telling you he just really wants sex because again if he likes you too much he does not want to offend you in a way that will cause him to lose out on you so another one that I can uh mention is he never wants to see you when you're on your period so again it boils down to it it's such a huge sign of his value of you is sexually and that's it because if you're not available sexually he does not want to be available to you and so whether it's because sometimes he doesn't know you're on your period so whether it's okay you come over and say you know some people are like I ain't gonna tell you exactly exactly you don't tell them and I think you should tell him you should tell him in advance because if you tell him hey I'm on my period this weekend or this week or today do you want me to come over or don't even say do you want me to come over because again as I said earlier men have a hard time rejecting oh and also in you asking it's basically make you do sound like hey then this is just sex like you're almost giving them permission exactly ask them that it's yes so just saying I'm just letting you know just in case it's an issue or whatever I'm on my period now if he's like all right well you know what let's just go see each other another time goodness for the women who in a casual situation like you can't be mad at that if it is an established casual situation I don't know why I feel the need to mention that but you know um but yes if you guys are dating and you're trying to evaluate this is yeah if he doesn't want to see you when you're on it it's a problem or let's just say you forget to mention it I don't know how you would forget but let's just say you did and you get there I forget because to you that may not be the primary thing you just want to hang out with them good point you're not realizing how it might be an issue yeah like if you're into the relationship you're not thinking necessarily they're only going to want to see me because of this exactly so now let's say you go over you guys are hanging out he makes his move and he said oh no I'm on my period if he starts to have an attitude after that if he starts to try to wrap up the date really fast all red flags all that is showing you yeah because again if I like you for more than that I'm not stressing that you're on your period right now I still want to hang out with you I still want to enjoy you if we're being technical there's still other sexual options depending on what people are into anyways but I think that yeah that guy who's serious about you is going to be more like okay cool like he may he may be a little disappointed because he was looking forward to it happening but he's not gonna be like okay get out you know what I'm saying and cut the date short so definitely the period one is another big one um another one to consider is just never wanting to express his intentions with you like I think I think at this point in society we need to accept that there are certain phrases that are pretty much called for I just want to have fun and be casual and which phrases are they let's go with the flow um you know let's enjoy ourselves have fun um you know I don't I don't mind things anytime anything that says I don't want anything serious or I'm not trying to worry about anything serious or just any vagueness any vagueness all right is telling you the chances are that person just wants to have sex and have fun now I feel the need to also mention this because this is where it can get confusing as well there are some men who may not be all about having sex with you still want to hang out with you and enjoy you yet still have no serious intention with you that can happen all right but again I think that those men will still Express a very vague or lackadaisical approach to what we're doing here all right he's not going to say um I'm looking for marriage when with you he's probably just trying to have fun women will say men don't want relationships or marriage because they're constantly hearing men say that what they don't realize is men will say that to you if that's not his intention with you because he doesn't want to be held to that standard so essentially if I go on a date with this woman and I'm ready to cycle remember what I said earlier they've already put you in a box I already decided you're not the one I'm trying to marry and you say well what are you looking for if I say to you I'm you know I'm looking for a wife right now you're gonna hold me to the standard of serious intentional dating that can lead to marriage if that's what you desire so if I don't want to be held to that I have to hit you with the you know I don't know right now I'm just trying to live life and I'm just trying to enjoy myself see where things go again vague because because now you can't hold me to any specific expectation and now if you if we move forward and sex happens I Never Promised You anything I never told you I wanted anything serious I never told you I wanted a wife so you can't be mad at me and that's what typically happens so anything that shows he's unwilling to give specific intention specifically for something serious chances are it's either he just wants to have sex or again he just doesn't want anything serious so even if it's just enjoying you in in past time and free time even if it doesn't get too sexual it's still telling you he doesn't want to go further than that yeah that's so amazing because we do I mean I've said this before we do interpret things in our own way and so the one thing that is very that you've said is repeatedly actually is like they'll tell you like if they've if they're interested they'll basically say it unless of course they're trying to just blatantly lie to you but in saying like I don't necessarily want anything serious We There is that part of that we just hope maybe this is going to be um but I think actually it's just safer to go oh take their word for it take their word that when they say they don't want to sin they actually don't want anything serious yes because when I met Tom on my foot on our first day I was in America I had to legally go back to England because I was only here on a vacation visa he didn't want anything serious because he just got out of a relationship where the woman was a little like too clingy and so we both came into it basically this is going to be the best fling ever and we both had the idea we both like on that day where he was just like I just got out of relationship I'm like I'm here on vacation and it was we were most both really honest about the fact that neither of us wanted anything serious and what was funny is after that first kind of day we were like so what are you doing tomorrow and then the next day I was like so what are you doing tomorrow and neither of us said expectations it was just then after that I'm really having fun do you want to hang out again and in that I'm really having fun do you want to hang out again we started to really build intimacy we really started to bond we really started to connect and then eventually we're like wow neither of us expected this but let's be honest we're both feeling something we've never felt before you see and and that's a perfect example of one of those exceptions to the rule that when when you meet that person have a connection with you throw the rule book out the window Everything Changes whatever you were planning this is a whole different ballgame now and again that's not something that happens in most situations you know what I'm saying most situations if one or two of those people came in with a fling mindset it's gonna be a fling one or one person gets attached and the other person is trying to figure out how to manage the situation and get out of it but for both of you guys to be like no we see something here and we want this and now it's turned into 20 years of marriage it's and I think when the women hear this I I just want them to understand this is a rare moment this is an outlier it can it's possible anything is possible but it's just not the likely scenario when we're coming in with that kind of a mindset you know and but again I think to to also add more perspective to it even though you guys came in with a fling if you notice you guys didn't really handle it fling like on that first date that first date progressed in a way that I think you guys were already sensing like wait a minute this is different because you guys didn't rush to sex on that first date you guys played it cool you were still kind of examining okay what he's doing and you were you were falling for him in the first date I think he was falling for you in the first day you guys may not have completely understood at that moment What's Happening Here and how to articulate it but if it was a fling from the jump I think things would have played out completely different on that first day yeah right like all the rules went out the window on the first day because I was so enamored by I'd never met a man like him before like there was no pretense and I was so used to the guy trying to get the girl quote unquote that you I'd sensed it at that point you know like you kind of seen it enough and he didn't do any of the typical trying to get the gal he was so himself he turned up in like his work clothes he didn't even go home and change right like again but it was the fact that he was in himself I didn't feel like he was trying to play me yeah and in that like not feeling played I then I think probably let my guard down and in that first day it absolutely was magical like there is and look there are also experts actually that say if it's magical it means there's something wrong and I hate that oh let's talk about that oh my goodness talk to me about it because that's what I hear a lot now yes so here is my belief there's going to be a lot of people who may disagree with it I believe that real love real connection happens extremely fast if not instant okay when you sit down with couples who all talk about having a very strong connection they can tell you first date first week very fast they felt something extremely strong now again whether they moved into getting proposed in three months or something that's different like how they manage it and handle it will vary but they felt it and knew immediately I believe that when it takes time A lot of times that's not real love that's you growing accustomed to their presence that's you learning how to tolerate them it's you just becoming comfortable with having someone so you grow attached to them but it's not love why does love need time and look at it from this perspective because again I'm a spiritual person I believe love is an energy it's a spirit all right if you look at it from a Biblical perspective they say God gave us a spirit of love the spirit knows what it knows already the spirit knows before us it doesn't need months to figure it out the problem is our minds catching up to our spirit us getting out of the way of our fears in most cases when it's really real it's extremely intense initially but we struggle with okay wait a minute this is happening too soon this is different I don't understand what's going on here am I tripping was you know we psych ourselves out but in reality no I think that's when it's actually the realest thing so all this is happening too fat no no because again [Music] for me I you know I've I've had the the I've been fortunate enough to see so many different people's lives so many different couples so many different singles and when I look at all the couples that it took time with I've never yet seen one that had this amazing relationship over the long term really yes I've never seen it I've seen two people trying to manage and tolerate being with each other I've seen people stay together because of kids I've seen all these different reasons why they're still there but it wasn't this oh my gosh I have this connection and they're just so in love with each other as much as they were when they first met I'll never forget even driving in an Uber one time my Uber driver said he's been married for 55 years he said he knew that was his wife after the first date and they've been Inseparable since and they're still as affection as they were when they were young like nothing's changed they're so deep into each other so I've just seen too many examples of real connection being pretty much instant where do we um because sometimes there is that connection where it's like it is it's them doing a facade to make you feel you face a certain way but then if you hit like a lot of the narcissists that's what I've heard where they know how to tap into they know how to make themselves seem unique and very special on that first date because they're playing these mental tricks with you so I'll say this the connection you're gonna feel something strongly initially and yes that can get confused with chemistry infatuation all these different things yeah yeah but throughout the process of dating them it will expose itself to either be real or not so what happens is you meet let's say the narcissist and they put on that show what a lot of times what you're falling for so quickly is the surface of what they're presenting to you the resume oh my gosh they have this they have that all these things I have I'm having this fun with them but you can't actually say you really know them y'all haven't dived deep into each other there's a lot of unanswered questions so you haven't verified this connection I'm sure if we look back at your situation over that process you guys kept diving deeper and deeper and the deeper you went the more you're like I love this right so it wasn't showing you anything different that was out of alignment so you will confirm it through the process of diving deeper into each other I think that the women or even The Men Who end up with these bad people these narcissist these toxic individuals they stayed on the surface or when they did dive deeper they saw the red flag they saw the problem and they ignored it they convinced themselves you know what let me not go there they don't want to address it because they don't want to let go of what they're holding on to on the surface they don't want to let go of that infatuation they don't want to let go of that attachment they don't want to let go of the fantasy they've created in their head I have a recent situation involving a man who's been struggling with this woman and I said to him you're holding on to what you believe she can be not what she wants you know throughout that whole relationship she mistreated this man she was not pouring into him at all but to him it was just if I could just get her to open up I can just get to that next level then I believe she can be this amazing woman but that's not what she's been to you and the fact that she hasn't been that either even if you believe this is the woman for you even if you believe that's the missing ingredient just getting past this wall well until she conquers that on her own you're never going to experience that with her and she can never be the woman that's unique and you can't be the man that she needs so either way you have to let go and then if if it's meant to be it can work itself out and I want to say if it's meant to be if she is willing to do the work and you're willing to do the work there will be an opportunity later to possibly make this thing work out of that you have to accept it for what it is so I think that a lot of people are dwelling in the fantasy and not the reality and that's how they miss the mark and confuse the connection from everything else thank you dude I literally could just keep talking to you what I love about it we're always very honest with each other we're always very transparent I think we both have such big hearts where we really do want to help couples men and women and so having these transparent honest conversations of like there's no judgment here let's actually just lay everything out and talk about how we navigate these things is always so beautiful and I always feel like I've grown just having these conversations with you and I really do hope people at home um also feel the same where can they find you and just all the amazing content you're putting out all social media at Stefan speaks definitely go to my YouTube at Stefan speaks um and just they go on my website as well stefanspeaks.com amazing guys guys if you felt like this bought you value drop in the comments what was the biggest nugget of gold that really hit you really hard we want to hear from you if you're not following me follow me at Lisa billu and guys honestly if this episode did bring you value please please do let your homies know let the other people in the world the other women know that this show does exist and that Stefan speaks is here giving us nuggets of gold and until next time guys be the hero of your own life peace if you enjoyed this epic episode with Stefan speaks you gotta check out my girl Emily Morse in this episode guys she reveals the five taboo tricks for better sex what do I actually want in a partner what do I want my life to look like you know a lot of us just sort of