Mr. No. I was prepared to dislike Max Collada even before I knew him. The war had just finished and passenger traffic in the ocean going liners was heavy. Accommodation.
was very hard to get, and you had to put up with whatever the agents chose to offer you. I'm sorry, Mr. Gray. I'm pleased. Any single berth in a cabin for two. Oh, that's all right, my boy.
Thank you very much for all the trouble you've taken. I know how difficult it is. Well, look forward to seeing you tomorrow, eh?
Goodbye. Goodbye. Who's next?
Me. I think I'm next. That's right.
You're next after me. My name is Calada. K-L-A-D-A, Calada.
You've got a birth reserve for me on the Queen of the Indies. My name's Ramsey. One at a time, please.
Calada. British subject. I was before this gentleman. Is that right? Gentleman.
After such a compliment, I can only say yes. Fella, the floor's all yours. My name's Ramsey. You've had a message about me from the Colonial Office.
Oh, yes, Mr. Ramsey. You're going to Aden, aren't you? That's right.
With Mrs. Ramsey. Excuse me. I'll get your tickets. Thank you.
IP, I suppose. No, just a civil servant. You're taking your wife to Aden?
Why not? What, that climate? My wife's had two years alone in London already.
Okay, fella, she's your wife. Here we are, sir. Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey, cabin 102, deck A. Thank you. Good morning.
Good morning. See you aboard. My name's Kalana.
You want a birth reserve for me on the Queen of the Indies, stopping off at Portside. Just save your name on the list. You, uh, you like a cigar? I don't smoke.
Oh, you don't know what you're missing. I get them made special. Same fellow that makes for the agar can I'm winning. I'm afraid, Mr. Clowder, we can't get you on the Queen of the Indies.
Oh, yes, you can. I'm afraid not, sir. You see, we have one cancelled berth and seven ahead of you on the waiting list.
And where's your boss, huh? He can't see you at the moment, sir. Oh, can't he? Where's his office?
Over there? He's rather busy at the moment. Yes, so am I. I'll spare him five minutes. You look after me, I look after you.
Oh, thank you very much indeed, sir. Who am I, sir, English? No. Mr. Collada, sir.
Foreigner, eh? No, sir. English.
At least that's what it says he is. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Good. Yep. Will all visitors please leave the ship.
The gagways are locked and unlocked. Nice day. Hello, hello, hello.
I am Calada. I saw you yesterday at the agents. We're sharing a cabin, aren't we? Yes, with the luck.
I'm all for us English sticking together when we travel abroad. Are you English too? British to the backboard. I was born in the heart of our great empire.
Buckingham Palace. No, but quite near. here, the stones throw away. They used to have to change the guard on tiptoe so as not to wake me up.
I was a very delicate child. What's your racket for? A bigger part.
I'm in the precious stones and jewelry business, and I don't mind telling you there's no one in the trade and there's more about it than I do myself. The three and the four. What did you say your racket was? I didn't say, but if you particularly want to know, I'm in the civil service.
Granats? No. I happen to be an economist.
Ah. I hear the finances in Hong Kong are not too good. I suppose you're going out there to... How did you know I was going to Hong Kong? Ah, there isn't much I don't know.
I must go to the dining room and get a seat at the table. Wait a minute, it's all been fixed. I got you a seat.
I thought we were sharing the same cabin and we ought to sit at the same table. How about a drink, huh? Not now, thank you very much.
I promised to have one with somebody else. Well, have one while you're waiting. A steward.
Oh, here they are. Hello, Ramsay. See you later.
Not that old chap, no. Hello, Ramsay. Remember me, huh? Calada?
We met yesterday at the agency. No, I'm sorry. I don't remember you.
Oh, don't be silly. How do you do? Have a drink, Mrs. Renty. We've asked for it and great, I have one with us. Well now you can have one with me and you can buy the next round.
Sit down Mrs. Ramsey, please. Stuart! We have a long trip ahead of us and the sooner we get to know each other the better. How do you like the ship Mrs. Ramsey?
Could be worse, eh? It seems to be quite comfortable. Not a bad crowd on board for this time of the year.
Well, we haven't really met anybody yet. If there's anyone here you want to meet, just let me know and I'll fix it up in the jiffy. I don't think we need trouble, though. You're going to Aden, aren't you?
I don't think you'll like it. It's very hot, I know it very well. There's very little Mr. Collada doesn't know well. That's right. Steward!
Good morning. How's your friend, Klaas? I think I'll probably have to murder him before the trip's over. Oh, dear, here he comes.
Come on, darling. Oh, hello. How are you? Having a breath of fresh air?
I got your ticket for the day's suite. I don't really want one, you know. Oh, must be a sport. You never know besides you might win.
I want a couple of bucks from you for the spot. A couple of what? Oh, ten shillings. I got it all organized. How would you believe it?
They didn't want to have a fancy dress ball. I soon talked them into it. Oh, Beauty, I have got you down for the ship's concert. Yes, but I shall have to try my songs out for the piano. Of course, of course, of course.
He's a singer. Can you play the piano? As a matter of fact, I can a bit.
Well, will you play for him? Oh, what England expects every man on board will do his duty. I am going to do card tricks.
You know there's nothing I dislike more than card tricks. Wait till you see mine. I can make a pack of cards, do anything I want. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give up gambling.
It wasn't fair on the other players. I know. know too much about cars.
Mr. Know-All, eh? It's funny how that name's all around, but I ask you, what sort of a trooper would it be without me, huh? You certainly are the life and soul of the party.
I know I am. I'm not conceited, but I'm the most popular man on this ship, and I can't help knowing it. How about a sniff before lunch, huh?
Very well. Here's your couple of bucks. Oh, thank you. Ah, there's John!
You think that was clever? You haven't seen anything yet. And now ladies and gentlemen for the grand finale.
I'm gonna show you a trick that only four men in the world can do. And I thought the other three. Now for this trick I shall need the assistance of two members of the audience.
And to show you I don't mind who they are. I'm going to pick them out myself. Mrs. Ramsey, will you be good enough to lend me your services?
And you, Mr. Fellows? No, Mr. Crowder, please. Oh, come along now. Don't be shy. Nothing to be shy about.
I'm not shy, am I? Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, it's so hot in there, I thought I'd come out here for a breath of fresh air.
Me too. Let's go to the boat deck, huh? Why? Why, it's good up there.
It's quiet. We can have a little talk. I'm quite happy down here, thank you.
That's a nice stone you've got in that ring. Yes, it's... it's by a gate, my friend.
Oh, let me see it. Oh, it wouldn't interest you. It's a star sapphire, but I happen to be rather fond of...
I... I've got some very pretty sapphires in my cabin. You like to see them?
I'm afraid they wouldn't interest me. I don't know. You've seen them. I've got a star sapphire I think you like.
Well, I haven't any money to spend on things I don't want, Mr. Collado. Oh, I don't want you to buy that you like. I give it to you. Are you trying to make a pass at me? Of course.
You don't blame me, do you? I think you're the best looker I've seen in donkey's years. Mr. Collado, my husband is a very jealous man.
If I told him about this, he'd probably... Well, anyway, he wouldn't like it very much. You couldn't do that. You're too much of a lady.
Oh, will you please go away? I haven't offended you, have I? Yes, you have.
Very much. I can't think why. What'd I do? If a fellow falls for me, he can't help it, can he? A fall is very flattering for a fellow to fall for.
You can't deny that. It depends on the fellow. I suppose I'm just not your type. Oh, well, you can't blame me for trying, can you? But most people I like, like me liking.
I suppose you do have your triumphal... There's no accounting for taste. No ill- Which time I expect you were consistently unfaithful to me.
I was not. You're the only girl in the world for me. And well you know it. You do know it, don't you? Yes, of course.
There you are. I shall be ready in a minute. You did miss me sometimes, didn't you?
Yes, of course, all the time. It was hell for me. I was terrified you'd meet somebody you liked better. If I had, what would you have done?
Killed him. Oh dear, I'd better watch my step, hadn't I? Certainly had. That was a new one, wasn't it?
Yes. you like them? They look very expensive.
Don't know how you do it on what I give you. They didn't cost much. Eight pounds, as a matter of fact. Really? Yes, I got them in one of those places in Oxford Street.
Well, nobody would ever know. Well, that's a relief anyway. Come on, we're late enough already. Great.
I've got my bag. Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey. Ah, where to see you?
You know everybody, don't you? Hello, Ramsey. What do you have?
I'd like a dry martini, please. Me too. What time do you expect the dock, Captain?
Eleven in the morning. There's not much to see, but if you want to go ashore, there'll be plenty of time. Well, if you want to... sale to five.
As a matter of fact, Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay and myself were thinking of having lunch at the Grand, then Collada asked us to join him. We couldn't think how to get out of it, so I think we've decided to stay on board, haven't we? Yes, of course, he's landing, isn't he? I imagine you won't be sorry to be rid of him. I certainly shall.
You know, he's got his good points. Those prizes for the fancy dress dance he bought himself. Chief Steward says they must have cost a peck.
He's generous enough. You have to fight him to let you pay for a drink. Yet he's managed to make himself a the most unpopular man in this ship.
He really is terrible, and you know you can't snub him. No, you can kick him out of the house, slam the door in his face, and it never occurred to him that he wasn't well. I suppose as he's leaving tomorrow, I really should have asked him into cocktails this evening.
But I simply couldn't bring myself to. He is quite impossible. Mr. Calaba. Hello there. Not barging in, am I?
But that fool of a steward didn't give me your invitation. Cigar? Thank you, I'm smoking. Oh, you are?
Glad to see you. What do you have? Scotch and soda.
I love you. they stick to the liquor of my native heath. Hello? Hello? Hello?
See you, Ed. Please. You're leaving us tomorrow, Mr. Collado.
Best of friends must part, you know. I'm going to Karo to look at a pearl necklace that one of these Pasha fellas may be willing to sell, providing he gets a good price. Aren't you afraid that these cultured pearls will put you fellas out of business? They'll never do that. They'll never affect the market for real ones.
As a matter of fact, I'm going to Japan to look into this cultured pearl. And what I don't know about pearls isn't worth knowing. They'll never get the cultured pearl that an expert like me can't tell without an eye.
Take my word for it, Mrs. Ramsay. That collar you're wearing will never be worth a penny less than it is today. It is nice, isn't it?
Nice? I saw it the moment I came in. I said to myself, those pearls are the goods. Well, I didn't buy it myself.
But I'd be interested to know how much you think it cost. Well, in the trade, round about, um, $1,500. But it was bought in one street. I shouldn't be surprised if they asked, um, $3,000. thousand three thousand pounds eh that's right and worth it well you'd be surprised to know that my wife bought it in oxford street for eight pounds oh don't make me laugh they're not only real but they're as fine with their size as any i ever seen will you bet on it bet a tenner it's imitation oh darling you can't bet on a certainty why not if i get a chance of making easy money like this i should be a fool not to take it well how can Can you prove it?
After all, it's only my word against Mr. Collardus. Show me your pearls, lady. I tell you for imitation, I can afford to lose a tenner. Take them off, darling, and let the expert examine them. I can't undo them.
Oh. There you are. I was mistaken.
That imitation. If I hadn't been, I should have had a serious talk with my wife. Perhaps that will teach you not to be so cock-sure another time, Mr. Know-All.
Never mind. We all make mistakes. What's that?
It's for you. For me? The pearls were real then. If you were an attractive little wife like Mrs. Ramsey, would you let her spend two years alone in London while you were in Aden? Mr. Know-All.
Call me Max. Thank you.