5-Second Test to Identify Narcissists

Introduction

• Aim: Provide a quick method to identify narcissists.
• Importance: Avoid manipulation, stress, and emotional abuse.
• Target Audience: Empathetic, giving, and caring people.

Background

• Research: 20 years on self-worth and narcissistic relationships.
• Experience: Coach, author, and survivor of narcissistic abuse.

Understanding Narcissists

• Mindset: Desperate for “narcissistic supply” (time, attention, energy).
• Motivation: Boost their fragile ego.
• Behavior: Constantly hunting for new sources of supply.

The Narcissist's Test

1. Context: Dinner party, work, family function.
2. Narcissist's Questions: Who will give me what I want? How fast?
3. Tested Boundaries: Time, attention, energy.
4. Example Questions:
   • Time: “What are you doing this afternoon?”
   • Attention: “Hey, I need to ask you something real quick.”
   • Energy: “Oops, I forgot my wallet.”

Responding to Narcissist's Test

• Identify Boundaries: Invisible “fences” around time, attention, and energy.
• Scenario Examples:
  • Time: After stating your boundary, they may say “Oh, bummer, there’s a great band tonight.”
  • Attention: They may talk over your conversation or interrupt.
  • Energy: They might “forget” their wallet or feign confusion.

The 5-Second Test

1. Smile and Say No: “No, I’m not available for that” or “That doesn’t work for me.”
2. Observe Reaction:
   • Normal Person: Respects boundary.
   • Narcissist: False smile, escalates pressure.
3. Maintain Boundaries:
   • Stay friendly and repeat the boundary.
   • Watch for signs of manipulation (e.g., guilt-tripping, insistence).

Practical Tips for Each Boundary

1. Time Boundary:
   • Friendly “No, I’m not available.”
   • Watch response to see if pressure increases.
   • Example: Rebuff attempts to change your plans.
2. Attention Boundary:
   • Handle interruptions calmly: “I’m in a conversation right now.”
   • Name the boundary violation.
   • Example: Excuse yourself from the interrupter and continue the conversation.
3. Energy Boundary:
   • Respond to manipulation (“forgot wallet”): “No problem, you can Venmo me.”
   • Maintain friendly but firm stance.
   • Example: Do not engage in emotional drama.

Conclusion

• Use the 5-Second Test to identify narcissists.
• Watch reactions carefully to spot manipulation tactics.
• Stay firm and maintain your boundaries to repel narcissists early on.

Next Steps

• Click the next video to learn the three main tactics narcissists use when they know you're on to them.