i get asked a lot about how to discipline kids with ADHD and what consequences actually work parents see the meltdowns the defiance the struggles with focus and sometimes feel lost parenting kids with ADHD can feel like an everyday battle where we're constantly wondering if we're doing the right thing so much so that there is an overwhelming number of opinions out there we're bombarded with advice some of it helpful much of it confusing and some of it downright harmful now listen this isn't a video where I'm going to just tell you to never use consequences or to let them learn the hard way i want to approach things a little differently because consequences and punishment really deserve a sensitive and nuanced discussion in order to figure out what's best for your child and asking what consequences actually work for kids with ADHD is incomplete because the better question really is how do I deal with the misbehavior when kids have ADHD so I'm going to answer that by breaking down the three least helpful ideas about consequences and misbehavior and more importantly the top three strategies that are actually helpful because how you respond to misbehavior not only affects your child's current behavior but also their future well-being and the quality of the relationship with you and if this is the first time you're seeing one of my videos I'm Dr jackie and I've helped hundreds of families deal with ADHD and anxiety i make videos to help more parents get access to the support they need so I hope you can tap the like button below it'll help spread this video to more parents who need to see it now let's talk about consequences and I feel like it's a term that can sometimes be confusing so what I mean by a consequence is something that you do or that automatically occurs following a behavior that's intended to reduce that behavior or make it stop you'll understand why this definition is important a little later in behavioral science this is actually called a punishment i think you mean positive punishment or something that happens to decrease the likelihood of that behavior from happening again however I think that parents usually equate punishment with something more physical or shameful or fear-based so regardless of the term itself in this video we're actually talking about what you do or what happens when your child with ADHD misbehaves and there are actually three ideas I often hear about that are least useful and really don't work for dealing with misbehavior many parents who are struggling with discipline for their kids with ADHD have asked me "Is this punishment just not enough should it be harsher or should I be more strict so that they learn better?" This question is even more common as kids get older and continued misbehavior can get more challenging and severe while I logically see how someone might think this way harsh consequences actually cause even more problems harsher punishments typically involve more negative parenting interactions like criticism negative instructions and sometimes verbal or physical aggression what we know from research is that these have many negative effects on children and on parents and that the harsher and more negative a parent reacts the more a child's physiology automatically reacts in a way that makes it even harder for them to control themselves we also know that when parents are taught strategies to reduce their negative interactions with their child it positively impacts the child's nervous system so they can better manage their own emotions and subsequently their own behavior kids with ADHD are not usually acting out or misbehaving on purpose so correcting their behavior with harsher punishment isn't going to reduce the behavior it just ends up making them feel more guilty for things they couldn't control in the first place or that they genuinely have a harder time controlling and that guilt often turns into more emotional outbursts and problem behaviors kids with ADHD also tend to zero in only on the consequence itself their emotional reactivity is high and so they zero in on the thing that got them there the harsh consequence and then they miss the opportunity to learn and connect their previous behavior to that consequence so there isn't any learning that happens so the first idea that doesn't work for most kids and especially for kids with ADHD is that they need harsher punishments to learn better behavior so would just a natural consequence work then like if a child doesn't do their homework they might get a bad grade or if they don't take a shower they might stink this may not play out like you'd imagine though kids with ADHD have problems with impulsivity where they might act without considering potential consequences and when you also have problems with working memory like kids with ADHD often do it's harder to remember instructions and plan ahead to what might happen all of this makes it difficult to change kids behavior based on a future consequence so if you think well if he doesn't study then he might get a bad grade on the test and maybe even in the class it'll teach him that he needs to put in more work know that I haven't seen this to be true for kids with ADHD there are genuine difficulties that are getting in their way like being able to break big tasks into smaller chunks or huge emotional overwhelm ignoring these genuine problems can actually put them on the path to delinquency because that future consequence doesn't help them learn for the next time the consequence actually comes too long after the behavior it's already too late the damage has been done so the second idea that doesn't work is to just let it take its course to let the situation play out and hope they'll learn from the thing that naturally happens when they do or don't do something but then wouldn't using consequences yourself damage your relationships with them or damage them i know a lot of parents are genuinely concerned about how consequences and punishment affect how their child feels about them and about themselves and I do like that parents are thinking about this they want to do right by their kids and their relationship but is there any validity to these parents' fears research has shown that things like corporal punishment and excessive yelling can damage your relationship and negatively impact kids emotions and self-esteem so you should definitely avoid those but what about consequences like timeouts or losing a privilege what I've seen happen online is that conclusions that are made from one specific scenario like with corporal punishment for example get extended to other situations where we don't have the same evidence i actually have not found any research showing that teaching consequences like losing a privilege or timeout are damaging to the parent child relationship or to the child themselves if you're aware of scientific research that says otherwise please put the title of the article in the comments so I can take a look know the consequences are used and taught in evidence-based treatments like parent child interaction therapy or parent management training these behavioral interventions have been shown to reduce the problems and improve the parent child relationship but here's the key with this one consequences are taught as just part of a larger parenting intervention in a very specific and pre-planned way and used sparingly i'll actually get more into that in a little bit but this is the final idea that doesn't work avoiding consequences altogether because of fear that it will damage the relationship this can often turn into permissive parenting where children are allowed to make their own decisions without repercussions and to be mentally healthy and strong kids need boundaries so how do you do this then how do you build those boundaries and how do you use consequences better in a way that deals with misbehavior and works for ADHD brains there are three key strategies that are far more effective than traditional punishment and three practical types of consequences you can use that I'll tell you about after I introduce those strategies i actually already introduced the first strategy just moments ago when I mentioned the evidence-based treatments before you even get to giving a consequence know that there are a lot of strategies to help your child with their behavior and to teach them right from wrong and research has shown that positive reinforcement strategies like praise and rewards and encouragement are more effective than punishment in changing behavior in all of my clinical work with ADHD families the first thing they always say helped them the most wasn't learning and using specific consequences it was how to positively influence their child's behavior instead consequences are intended to stop or reduce a behavior they don't help a child learn skills to handle that problem or negative emotion in the future and they don't teach a child what to do instead if kids don't get enough practice or acknowledgement when they're doing the right thing you'll have a much harder time dealing with misbehavior no matter what consequences you're using so the first key strategy to dealing with misbehavior is to actually focus on positive reinforcement most often and use consequences only sparingly and I have several videos about this that I'll link at the end some of them with practical parent examples from my online 12week ADHD program but there's also something else that's very important when it comes to misbehavior in kids with ADHD and before I tell you about that it's time to tap the like button and subscribe if you found this video helpful so far and as a positive reward for you I'll put up a picture of my little puppy when he was a baby but seriously there is a lot more to talk about when it comes to consequences i hope to do a deeper dive on the research in the future and your support motivates me to make that happen until then I want you to think about this no child wakes up and thinks "What can I do wrong today?" Kids want to be good so treat them as if they're trying to do the right thing and when they don't consider it a mistake or a lack of skills rather than coming from a place of malice this simple mindset shift will give you more empathy and help you better problem solve how to approach more negative behaviors put yourself in your child's position what's going on from their perspective what got in the way of them making the right choice or behaving more appropriately address that instead of doing out a punishment for a poor behavior choice connect with them about what's happening or how they're probably feeling before you do anything else connection and validation turn down the volume on emotions especially shame you need to bring down the emotional intensity kids are feeling so they have a chance to learn a different way what this second strategy means is that instead of immediately jumping to punishment for every misbehavior focus on understanding why your child misbehaved the key idea here is to address the underlying cause of the behavior and you start doing that by approaching your child with empathy and understanding so when might a consequence actually be appropriate to help deal with misbehavior by now I hope you've gotten the idea that consequences should be your last resort after you've exhausted positive reinforcement and empathy based approaches then it really comes down to two situations when you could use consequences one is when you've told your child they need to do something and they genuinely do need to and the second is when they've broken an important pre-planned rule given what we know about the genuine difficulties for kids with ADHD any consequences need to have three elements for kids to have the best chance of learning from them for example let's say your child yells at you every time you tell them no and you've exhausted all your other positive strategies the first thing you need to do is to actually plan ahead for the consequence for example ahead of time tell your child "Every time you yell from now on I won't be able to help you with anything you want or need until you speak with me calmly." You need to plan for these situations ahead of time if your child was not aware of the consequence isn't it kind of unfair to give them one and this also means that your consequences need to be consistent you need to consistently give the same pre-planned consequence for the same misbehavior and then finally you also need to make sure your consequences are immediate remember what I said before about consequences that may happen in the future for kids with ADHD pre-planned consequences that have an immediate effect and are used consistently work best and this is the last idea that does work consequences should be pre-planned immediate and consistent but what kind of consequences can you plan for then you learned about some consequences that aren't effective but what does work for kids with ADHD sometimes there are natural consequences that can happen immediately and are a direct result of the child's actions but those can be harder to plan for or do consistently so many times a logical consequence may make sense like if you ride your bike without a helmet you won't be able to ride it for a day but sometimes these logical consequences aren't feasible or don't exist when that's the case remove a privilege that your child has for a specific amount of time ideally this privilege is something that can be repeated throughout the day in case you need to use it multiple times it might be the privilege of certain toys or devices or certain activities or even transportation to those activities there are lots of possibilities here choose something that makes sense for your child and family and sometimes for younger kids the consequence can just be I will help you do it or I will do it for you like take a look at this example from my 12-week program where this parent did that really well the parent said "I can't let you hurt the puppy move your hands away from it." And then the parent said "If you don't move your hands away from the puppy I will do it for you." And then the parent said "You're not doing what I told you to so now I will gently move your hands away." It's all about setting a boundary that doesn't allow the child to continue the behavior so we should add this as a bonus idea consequences that work better for kids with ADHD should also be focused on setting clear boundaries and be logical or involve the removal of a privilege ultimately I hope you've learned that consequences should be used strategically sparingly and as the final option because they are not the only way or the best way for kids to learn about their misbehavior and to learn more about other ways to encourage better behavior in kids with ADHD check out these next as always put your relationships first i'll see you in the next video