Okay, so allow me to set the scene. A bunch of people are chatting at a social gathering. The entire party is populated by a group of people you largely admire. But there are also people at the party you don't know. They're talking about something that you actually know a fair amount about.
And the person, though, who is in the center of this group and is speaking about it is clearly kind of new to this topic, certainly doesn't know as much as you do. And everyone's giving a lot of attention to that person who is talking about this topic. And they're really kind of interested, engaged by that person's curiosity and enthusiasm.
You just can't bear it anymore because this person doesn't know what they're talking about. And so you pop in. and are able to fully eclipse their knowledge and hijack the conversation. You are pretty convinced that you're a pretty interesting person and you're engaging, so, and you are, so people start listening to you.
And that newbie that was talking a minute ago, they listen, they stop talking, they listen to you, you win. Or did you win? Drop a comment if you can identify with the situation, even a little.
This idea of sweeping in. and hijacking a conversation or if you know someone who sort of fits this bill. So let's take on with this series again.
So for those of you who think you're a narcissist, this series is designed for people who are saying, hey Dr. Ramani, I'm watching your content. Yep, great. I think I'm the one who might be narcissistic and I want to do something about this. First of all, I really do admire anyone who wants to commit to change in the space.
It's not easy. We don't see it often, but if somebody really wants to do the day-to-day hard work, Okay, great. So that's what this series is for. And we're going to talk today about that need to be the center of attention. So the need to be the center of attention really resonates with the validation-seeking piece of narcissism.
But it goes a step further. It's the need to be the focus of everyone's attention. It's as though every day is supposed to be your birthday or your wedding day. In fact, it is...
this is why actually massive weddings and elaborate birthday parties, while not necessarily limited to narcissistic folks, are very much in their wheelhouse. Because it's an entire weekend or an entire day where that person who needs to be the center of attention is guaranteed to be the center of attention. Now, being the center of attention for a person with a narcissistic personality helps them regulate. It kind of ticks several boxes.
The need for validation, the momentary guarantee of not being abandoned, well obviously because everyone's attention is on them, or attention's on you, the sense of being envied or having what people want, and perhaps even the sense of power that comes from being at the center of whatever. And since most forms of narcissistic personality are characterized by by extroversion, it feels that need to sort of have all those, that sort of social, to be surrounded by people socially and get that social validation. And for this reason, the sort of center of attention being sort of a brick of narcissism, we see celebrities, performers, politicians, star athletes, all overrepresented in the numbers on narcissism. The center of attention is a driver for many, though not all, A person in one of these sort of famous positions has to at some level want to be the center of attention for a little bit just to keep the show going. For most people, having to be the center of attention that being performative would require really would exhaust most regular people.
So that kind of is a driver behind people sort of being on these public stages. Now, the flip side of this is the discomfort a narcissistic person has when they are not the center of attention. Certainly, for many of us, we don't mind our moment in the sun if we are talking about something we know about or care about.
But healthy people are willing to sort of let the conversation flow to the next person as the conversation sort of shifts. Not so much with people who are narcissistic. When the focus shifts away from them to someone else or, heaven forbid, someone interjects, rejects. or interrupts or may not agree with the narcissistic person and the conversation shifts to that other person.
It makes the narcissistic person very uncomfortable. Whereas a healthy person will recognize that yeah okay someone else is speaking and someone else is weighing in, a narcissistic person at those times will resent and perhaps even become quite sullen. or angry or even combative when the conversation is no longer about them or focused on them. At this point, there is a risk for narcissistic folks to appear contemptuous, petulant, bored, distracted, or they may start looking around the room, fooling with their phone, looking out the window, or getting up and leaving altogether when they're not the center of attention. Not being the center of attention activates those feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that we observe in narcissistic people, and they either disconnect to protect their ego or may get angry to vindicate or avenge that ego injury of being overlooked and the perceived shame associated with that.
So here you go, drop a comment. If any of you watching believe that you have narcissistic tendencies, how did you feel in situations when you were not the center of attention? And how have you acted in response to those feelings?
Now you may be wondering, especially if you believe You have a narcissistic personality style or narcissistic tendencies. Why is this an issue? Why are people bothered by people who need to be the center of attention?
Now, normal conversation and life mean that sometimes the focus is on person A, sometimes the focus is on person B, sometimes it's on person C, and so on. The attention, the focus, the interest of any conversational group will shift. That's normal.
It's not a rejection of the person who isn't speaking anymore. And healthy people are not only okay with that, they welcome it. It's a chance to hear other perspectives, to learn from others, and just keep the conversation moving and equitable.
Now, for these reasons, narcissistic folks often get accused of being conversational hijackers. And in fact, People may start adjusting to the narcissistic person once the narcissistic person descends into the conversation and recognize that it is more about the narcissistic person holding court and everyone else listening. So people start viewing conversations with narcissistic people more as performances rather than as the back and forth of conversation. Now, let's face it, other people don't like this. They may tolerate it, but they don't like it.
They don't like those hijacked conversations. There is sort of an internal eye roll when they see the conversational hijacker coming, that attention seeking person sort of wafting in. You don't want to be the person who is evoking that eye roll. in other people. And for narcissistic people who suspect that people are just sort of putting up with them, that can bring up the shame that people don't really want to listen to you.
And that obviously subsequently can bring up rage. But in short, people don't like when other people always need to be the center of attention. They may be entertained for a minute, but then they get exhausted.
Now, as I noted before, not all narcissistic people are aware of or seeking out that attention, that center of attention position. With vulnerable narcissists, again, often traditionally called covert narcissists, we observe a fair amount of social anxiety. So they may not want to be the center of attention, but have tremendous contempt for the conversations that are happening around them and believe. that they know it better or are wasting their time with the people around them.
So that kind of has a different feel to it, but it definitely detracts from the experience of the person who at that moment may be the center of attention. So if this is something that you struggle with, this sort of need to be the center of attention or being uncomfortable when you're not, or you've ever been accused of sort of being the person who overtakes conversations and you actually want to change it, what do you need to do about this? Do about this need to be the center of attention? And you may not even know you're doing it.
First of all, and at the top, you got to learn to listen. This is a theme that's coming up a lot in these videos about this idea of so you think you're a narcissist, right? Even if it is uncomfortable, force yourself to listen to someone without interrupting them.
Just learning that skill. which many people do not have, can go a very long way. Secondly, ask questions of other people and care about the answers.
Narcissistic people can be very inquisitive and curious at certain times, especially sort of during the love bombing beginning of a relationship when they are trying to win someone over. But unfortunately, that sort of charm of asking lots of questions tends to happen less so once they don't feel that those love bomb mistakes are at play. But force yourself to be curious. When someone else is at the center of attention, ask them a question about their experience to allow them to keep sharing their experience.
Early on, this is not going to be easy for you, but with time, you may actually end up learning something. Number three, do not interrupt. It was interesting. I recently read an article on this idea of interruption and communication. And the article was written, presented by someone who had a background in linguistics.
The point that the person was making is that interruption is in some ways linked to cultural communication styles. That communication in some cultures, just some people in some cultures, interrupt more than others. But that said... In general, for many of us, it doesn't feel good. Wait for the pause.
And depending on the setting, that may mean waiting for a logical moment of silence, raising your hand, but simply let someone else finish their thought. Interrupting is a signature move of the center of attention need of a narcissistic person, as well as a manifestation of entitlement and dominance. or just a lack of interpersonal awareness.
Not interrupting can allow someone else to be in that central position. And again, we all sometimes interrupt, but if we catch it and apologize, I'd say, I'm so sorry I interrupted you. Let me hold back. And notice that that's a different game.
Number four, you got to tolerate the discomfort of not being in the center of attention. Your greatest struggle in pushing back on this personality style is going to Be learning to talk learning to tolerate just being uncomfortable Most of the reflexive kind of go-to behaviors of a narcissistic person the reactivity the anger Interrupting being the center of attention. They are all designed to protect the ego So if you don't do them, then the ego is just out there getting injured and that's okay Nothing bad will happen. For example as a child When we don't get what we needed, it seemed calamitous if that happened. But as an adult, the rest of us, we live in ego injuries all the time.
We're okay. We roll with it. And you can too. Breathe.
Silently reassure the ego that it's going to be okay. And then don't respond in your usual way. Not being the center of attention can feel empty and it can feel uncomfortable.
But that's just an old defense. Sort of take the opportunity to frame this idea of not being the center of attention as a chance to relax, to learn from others, and to enjoy the moment. It's exhausting to always want that attention.
So recognize that and give it a chance. So please, as always, just drop a comment. It's really great to have this engagement and to sort of learn from each other.
Can you think of other things that people with narcissistic tendencies can do? to resist that desire, that drive to always be the center of attention. Now people get frustrated when they know someone else always has to be the center of attention. It can mean that they give up when they see that person coming or they have to work hard to ensure that the attention stays on the right person. For example, the birthday person or to steer the conversation so it is equitable, or they just nod to be polite but just want to get out of there.
Breaking out of this pattern is a major step in showing vulnerability, humility, and yes, I recognize it may feel precarious and uncomfortable at first, but to step away from this pattern, it's definitely going to pay you dividends and really help you push forward as you try to push back. on narcissistic patterns that may be hurting your relationships with others. And as always, if you liked this video and found it helpful, please give it a thumbs up. The feedback really helps this channel and helps us grow this community to people who not only are experiencing some of the downstream effects of narcissistic relationships, but for people who say, hey, I see a little of myself here and I'd really like to address it. So thanks again.