Aloneness is a positive state. It's solitude. It's having your own space and not feeling the need to connect with others.
It's a therapeutic and almost meditative experience and that is not the same as loneliness. Loneliness is a feeling where you could be surrounded by dozens of people who say they love and care about you, but you feel so emotionally and mentally alone that you feel like you just can't talk to anybody about anything. You are your own sad space, your own support system, therapist, you vent to yourself.
No one knows what you're going through, and you feel like no one would even understand if you told them. So you feel completely and utterly disconnected and alone. I have felt that exact same way majority of my life and I'm going to show you how to cope with it and see the light at the end of the tunnel. As always here are the video chapters and remember I have a podcast linked in the description below so you can listen to all of my YouTube videos on the go in audio format and if you didn't already know did you know I have a second YouTube channel they are full of vlogs and BTS as to how I live my life. A lot of them are like living alone diaries or solo dates which applies to a lot of the advice I'm about to give in this video so make sure you check it out.
And right before we jump into this video, I want to give a massive thank you to Lark for sponsoring this video. Now, we all know that the first step to self-care is our water intake. And I have had the goal of consuming three liters of water every single day for a while now.
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It's linked below in the description. Chapter number one, why you are lonely, aka the causes and mistakes of loneliness. Because yes, unfortunately, loneliness is a state of your own making, not anybody else's.
You very well may be misunderstood and judged by everyone in your life. I definitely was. But only you can control whether you feel lonely and how you're gonna get out of it. The first main cause of loneliness is a lack of self.
You have basically checked out in here. Internally, you are not connected with yourself anymore. And your entire viewpoint has shifted to the external, aka you are constantly aware of what everybody else is doing and whether everybody else is meeting your expectations and being there for you.
How no one understands you, how people are showing up for you, how you have no one to talk to. But guess what? You are here. You are present. you are here for you to talk to.
Loneliness is your mind screaming at you that it's in need of you and it will only be cured once you finally show up for yourself. This links into cause number two, relying on other people. When I was at my loneliest, I just thought, okay, all I have to do is get more people in my life, okay?
So let me work up the courage and I'll go to that event and I'll go introduce myself to those people and I'll try and make new friends and shoot my shot. Listen, as good as it is to do all of those things and put yourself out there and widen your circle, it will not... cure your loneliness.
Having new acquaintances and people to talk to will help you being social but loneliness is caused by a lack of being seen and so knowing that loneliness is actually only cured by having deep bonds with other people and also having self-love and obviously when you're going out and meeting people that can grow over time and you can establish those bonds with people but if you made the mistake that I did which is going out to loads of parties all it will do is deepen your feeling of loneliness because you expect to feel fulfilled when you're in a room surrounded by a hundred people but really those 100 people don't know you at all. Plus when you rely on people to fill that emptiness you're feeling you're approaching these potential relationships with a desperation and a need. and as a result of that you will never attract the right company.
You need to fill the loneliness by coming back to yourself. That way when it's time to be social you have so much to offer. You're not seeking anything, you don't need anyone, you want people. Meaning you are protected from settling.
Cause number three, let's go back to self. You may be sitting there thinking, I don't rely on other people but I spent all this time alone so why do I feel like this? Really?
What are you doing when you're spending time alone? Are you on your phone scrolling? Are you so attached to your work and achievements that your entire day revolves around it? Are you glued to your laptop screen or Netflix all day?
Are you never actually present with your tasks because you're texting people back straight away? Does your fun break time or evenings just look like si- Sitting in front of another screen, that's not living, that's not fulfillment, and most importantly, that's not spending quality time alone. We all know that I advise everyone to solo date.
It's exactly how my self-development journey started and how I got to where I am now, as well as overcoming my feelings of loneliness. People always ask me, oh, so what, you go to a restaurant, you just sit there like alone awkwardly while people are staring at you? Or like, should I call a friend when I'm there? Or should I bring my iPad so I can like watch Netflix or a YouTube video while I'm on a solo date?
That's not you spending time alone then. And I fully understand it because taking yourself on a date alone in public can be daunting and it's very nerve-wracking and that's why we try and call someone or we're watching a video on our phones to distract ourselves from what we're actually doing, to escape from that feeling of loneliness. We are constantly trying to stimulate our minds and occupy ourselves with doing a hundred different things at once so that we can avoid the state of actually being alone.
But the truth is, when you embrace being alone, the feeling of loneliness disappears, because at that point you finally come back home to yourself, and if you're comfortable with having yourself by your side, what's there to feel lonely about? Another cause of feeling lonely is that you're simply in the wrong place. For example, I would regularly be sat in a room full of all of my family members and feel deeply alone. Why?
Because no one's actually talking to each other. No one's actually asking questions to see how the other person is feeling or how they're actually doing in life. Everyone's avoiding connecting with each other.
And as frustrating as that is and as sad as I felt throughout all of those experiences, I can't change it. What my family decide to do and how they decide to converse, connect and act. is not in my control so I must take myself out of that environment and place myself in the right one.
When you feel that you do not belong you have to embrace it and allow it to lead you to new places that you could have never imagined that may be outside of your comfort zone so that you can then go out into the world to create your own family. The key to this once again is coming home to yourself because you have to fully understand what do you crave from connections and relationships. I know I feel the most alone.
when I am sitting across from another person and they're talking to me and I know they like me, but it's just small talk. It's just surface level. I feel so alone.
Once I fully understood that about myself, I made a complete shift and I could start putting myself in the right places. So you have no excuse to complain that you're lonely when you continue to sit in rooms where you are ignored, judged and misunderstood. Expand your circle.
And the last cause of loneliness is excessive digital socialization. Social media platforms were invented to help us be more social and help us connect with each other when really all they did was push us further apart. We spend hours every day and we don't even realize it anymore monitoring other people's lives, watching their stories, scrolling on our feed, liking people's pictures but not actually talking, not actually engaging, not actually developing new connections with these people. We go out and we sit in public places or with our friends even and I've seen some people even on dates They all sat like this at a table in a nice restaurant on their phones You scroll when you could be talking more you could be understanding more you could be loving more Furthermore consistent use of social media just leads to comparison You see all of these other people posing with their friendship groups and thinking why don't I have that these best friends were on holiday Why don't I have that they all seem like they're having a great time and they love each other and I don't have that kind Of support and connection in my life And all of that just emphasizes your lack mindset and reminds you that you don't have enough.
So now that we've gone through the causes, to put this all into perspective before we move on to the next chapter, which is solutions, let's bring our favorite girls back. Lola and Athena. So imagine this, Lola and Athena are in the exact same boat. They have very few people in their lives. They constantly feel misunderstood and they spend majority of their time alone.
They have the exact same situation, but this is how they both live. Lola is always looking for an opportunity and is always asking her friends to meet up or make plans because she doesn't want to be stuck at home alone. She will accept every single invitation she receives to go partying or some sort of opportunity to meet new people.
Every single morning, she starts her day on social media and she'll find herself scrolling in it through her work breaks throughout the day, wondering why she doesn't have a life like all of her favorite influencers and wondering how she can get there. Lola is also always in a situationship or scrolling on dating apps because she feels like having a man will solve her problems. And lastly, Lola always feels the lack.
You will see her sat somewhere daydreaming about what her life could be rather than being present, seeing it for what it is and then making a change. On the... On the other hand, we have our girl Athena.
She embraces her alone time. She regularly gets to see her friends, but she's not constantly asking them to make plans because she's like, wait a second, this week I have not scheduled in a solo date for myself. Let me go do that. She also makes it a priority to commit more time to her interests or find new hobbies to light herself up and feel fulfilled rather than chasing that sense of fulfillment from other people.
Athena also knows that she's not really a party girl. In fact, it makes her feel lonely a lot of the time. So she makes sure that she has plans with herself every single weekend.
If she wants to go do something and no one else can make it. She's not going to sit at home bored. She's going to go out and experience life on her own.
Athena also says... She sets time limits on her phone to avoid social media and she spends that time trying to connect with what her younger self enjoyed so that she can light herself up more and inject more happiness into her life instead of relying on others. And lastly, Athena is never focused on chasing the next best thing. Instead, she's present and she focuses on how she can romanticize her everyday life until the right people or situations come along.
Only one of them is lonely. Can you guess who? Chapter two, solutions. So given everything we've just understood about the causes of loneliness and the mistakes we should have been avoiding, these are the changes we can make for our lifestyle from now on to avoid being in that state. Step number one, find your purpose outside of other people.
Stop attaching your self-worth and your inner joy to your connections with other people. Your purpose is greater. What can you make of yourself?
What can you learn? How can you move your body? What can you do today? How can you create?
Go to a museum, learn how to paint. Go take tennis lessons, try and find your life purpose and passion. I even made a video tutorial on how to do that last week. It breaks my heart when I see young girls dressing a certain way, acting a certain way, going to certain places to chase men or to chase validation or to be approved by the popular group of girls. You are capable of so much more.
You are destined for so much more. And when you chase these other people, you are throwing away all of your potential. From a former lonely girl, I assure you when you focus on yourself and your potential, all of the right people, all of the right connections, all of the right love is gonna come to you when you're not even looking for it. Every time I try to fill that void by dating another guy or being friends with another group of people, it just sent me lower.
Step number two, this links onto being able to see the joy in life again. We get so consumed with our daily responsibilities and chasing the next thing that we rarely make time for real dopamine that's actually gonna fill our cup. And those sources of real dopamine are what prevents us from feeling lonely.
The game changed for me when I started seeing loneliness as an opportunity. You can do whatever you want, you can connect with yourself. Every single time I felt myself drifting back into that lonely state, I would think, okay, what can I do right now that's going to make me feel happy? How magical, okay?
And a lot of that would come into the form of solidating a romanticizing life, but really it's like realizing I have all of the power over my life and I get to decide how this day goes. So if I'm feeling a bit down and work is getting a bit too tough, let me go and get a matcha, let me go on a walk, let me change my routine, let me get up a little bit earlier. That's what I've been doing and oh my god, I feel alive.
My routine for the last two years has been every single day I wake up and the first thing I think is, how can I make this day the best? best possible day. And you know, because I have that mindset, I feel like I'm with my best friend 24 seven.
I am the one who's always there for me, trying to make sure that I'm happy, trying to make sure that I'm understood, trying to honor my feelings and align with where I wanna be. She's always trying to create good experiences for me. She's always there for me.
She's always loyal. And as a result, I feel seen, heard, and valued because I'm meeting all of my own needs and feeling seen, heard, and valued cancels out any feelings of loneliness. Solution number three, call up a friend and share something of value.
This is where real long-lasting connection and love happens. And I totally get it. It can be super scary. I come from a family who like does not talk about their feelings. but you have to be the brave one.
It could be with anyone, a new acquaintance, a long-term friend, it could be with your partner. When I practice this I do it with my little cousins and because they're a part of my family they've also adopted a similar mindset of like not talking about their feelings and not valuing real collection but I know I can't change their actions but I can change mine so let me be the one to try and introduce that into our relationship so I will ask them deep questions and when you finally make an effort to have those real conversations you walk away from them feeling full. Solution number four work on yourself.
A lot of the time we hope that people will fill this gap in us or this hole in our lives but only we can fill it. When you become everything you've ever wanted, when all of your insecurities become your strengths, you'll feel more security and your standards for your life will go so much higher and as a result you'll feel okay in the meantime. And once again when you master the art of self-validation it's like having a built-in best friend 24-7. You don't need to call up someone to have reassurance on what you're doing or how you look or whether you're doing the right thing.
you're already giving it to yourself. Solution number five, this is going more towards the quality time with yourself solo date vibe, but reconnect with your inner child. I was literally doing this yesterday. Watch your favorite movies that you had as a kid.
I am not joking to you when I say I was sat on my sofa alone at nine o'clock at night watching Winnie the Pooh, and I was having the time of my life. Draw, play games, dance, just let go. Because a lot of the time, this feeling of loneliness comes from a lack of being seen and understood.
And that can be caused by running away from our true selves. We are trying to be something we're not. We have fallen out of touch with our authenticity. We are trying to be what we are supposed to be instead of being who we are. And when you reconnect with your inner child, you allow all of that to come back.
And the last solution, regular journaling. I have an entire tutorial on this on my YouTube channel for you to go and check out. But listen, journaling is not the, oh, it's like a cute aesthetic wellness girlie thing to do. I mean, it is, but also it's so much more than that.
It brings you back to earth and allows you to reconnect with yourself and your mind which we have discussed throughout this video as the most important key to embracing aloneness while kicking out the feeling of loneliness. To this day I still go through hard times where I feel like no one else or I just don't want to talk about it to somebody else and I'm crying alone in my room. Guys, I go through that and I will open up a journal and I will just write and write and write and write. And is it hard in the moment?
Yeah. And does it feel like, oh, but there should be someone who like understands everything? Yeah.
doesn't matter. I write it out and afterwards I feel so much lighter. I feel understood. Half of the time I've solved the problem just by writing about it. And it allows you to process your emotions rather than sitting alone in your room crying wondering why no one else is there for you.
You pick up the pieces and you are there for yourself. And that brings us to the last chapter, the homework chapter. Your first task is a real solo day. I challenge you to go out, do your favorite thing.
no Netflix, no YouTube video, no FaceTiming your friend, no texting, no scrolling on social media to appear like you are busy and not be awkward in front of strangers. I don't give an F. Tag me in your Instagram stories, I'll repost them on mine or send them to me in my DMs because I love seeing them all. Homework task number two is to either journal or meditate.
Completely your choice but this is what brings you back down to earth, it brings you back to yourself okay. We are not about this lack of self business, that is what increases our loneliness. Choose one, I have tutorials on how to do each of these on my channel.
Homework task number three, call a close friend, partner, family member and discuss something that matters to you. Call them up and be like, hey, how are you really doing? I feel like we haven't checked in in a while or hey, can I talk to you about this? It can be uncomfy, but those moments of connection are really what fills your cup.
And honestly, it used to be scary for me, but I used to be shocked by how much people open up and wanna talk to you. And it's like, you mean a lot more to me than I thought you did. Or like we connect a lot more than I thought we would.
Sometimes you have to be the person. to introduce those topics of conversation because the other person isn't aware of it but they can bring so much value the next homework task is to join an online community there are so much i've built one for you guys i have a discord where all of you guys talk to each other it's linked below in the description and the last homework task is to come back home to yourself in any way shape or form romanticize your life every single day work on yourself to build your dream life reconnect with your inner child the list goes on i really hope you guys enjoyed this video thank you so much for watching i'm so proud of you for getting all the way to the end of this video. I know it may have felt like I was calling you out in some places, but it needed to be done, okay? Because I am gonna see you on a better path from now on. Remember that my second YouTube channel and my podcast are linked down below in the description, so make sure you check it out.
Thank you so much for watching. I appreciate you and I will see you in the next one. Bye.