Want to learn a lot from Judd? Subscribe to TRS Clips Hindi. The successful relationships you've seen, would you say that they're easy for both partners? Sorry, I didn't get you.
I mean, the most successful relationships that exist in today's world, it definitely takes hard work to make them successful. Of course. But...
Is it also true that you should feel a little ease? That's a sign of a high potential relationship. But I think, as we say, happily ever after. It's never happily ever after.
So if you bring a plant, and you have to water it daily, only then will that plant grow. You have to fertilize it too, so that it grows well. Since you are a plant parent, I'm sure you know how to care for a plant, right? So it is important to take care of the plant It is important to know that if you feel that you don't have to put a lot of effort in a relationship, it's easy.
I can get married to a person. But it has to be an effort which is equal. You have a question.
Okay, I'll ask you a question. How much percentage effort should a person put in a relationship as a partner? How much percentage effort should you put? 50%.
50% should be from them. No. 100%. 100%, right?
So, if you put 100%, and they put 100%, then you will always be overwhelmed with a lot of efforts, right? 50% is not the amount that you're supposed to-You're only putting 50% in. And you're expecting the other person to put the same.
I think people think like that. That in their mind, 50% is done. I think that's just a way of saying it.
Can you write what 100% effort quote high-quality simple pen paper load define it and tell me whatever this definition is this is 100% then take another pen and paper and like write up is 50% what will happen? 75 what will happen 83 what will happen 99 what will happen it's like quantify is not that easy you should not say like okay we are just saying for the sake of saying it so what happens because it's not always necessary that the ratio is 50-50 I have 100% okay just as a silent I hope they arrived there right now we are having a non-conversation it's a this conversation has nothing to do with numbers this conversation has everything to do with the second part effort define what effort is that's a conversation you What is effort? What should be done? What should be done while keeping an eye on the subject? That's the real conversation.
I've put it many times. From the other side. Precisely. What is negative effort? What is positive effort?
What is effort? You are thinking in your mind. I'm putting in effort but it's actually a negative effort.
Maybe the other person doesn't want it, maybe he's annoying the other person. You know, like we've gone through a lot of romanticization, multiple examples of those as well, where a person is doing something in his mind, in his universe, I don't know what level of surprise he's doing, but the other person may actually see it as counterproductive completely. He's not actually helping, he's just ruining things.
Maybe you're putting in such effort, you're saying, I'm putting in so much effort, but you're just making your career go wrong. And you can see that I'm putting effort in the relationship. And you might think that it's justified, but actually it's not justified.
Because in the long term, it can happen that you will be backfired. When the other person says that we have to settle down. Where are you on the scale of life right now? And you're just like, I was putting effort in the relationship for 3 years. It happens to a lot of people.
So, effort is the conversation here. Only 5% has come. I won't say 5% but 50% has come.
But you know, there are many things. This is so deep. One, if your goals are not matching somewhere.
Secondly, suddenly you are in a relationship. But suddenly you have certain attributes, certain traits that are not getting settled. So I will gradually step back.
Okay? So this happens. Or many times, we... So the first thing is that goals don't match. There are many types of goals in life.
There are many goals. There are emotional goals. achievement based goals.
Say you want to achieve an emotional state, you may have meditative or spiritual goals in life. You can have multiple, I want to have a relationship with my parents, I have this goal too. My goal is physical fitness.
You have to understand, people may think that I am talking but I am actually adding the practical. foundation to these things because what is goal goals could be anything Subhae utke, sham ko 10 wajah main raat ko saunga that's a goal so goals match nahi kar rahe are we only talking about career right now and i because if we are only talking about career ki goals match nahi kar rahe i don't think that matters agar kahe ro ki ek insan ki ambition level ye hai aur sko aisa hi chahiye ki mere samne wale ka ambition level aisa ho Then you're talking about personality. That means, brother, that person's ambition, dreams, their goal orientation is not at that level. Second thing that comes up is what she talked about, what's personality related factors.
So, our personality has some traits or some behavioral aspects that the other person doesn't like and they take a step back. They say that red flags are in others, but red flags can be in us too. Like, I'm very overpowering. Or I'm very dominating.
Or I don't respect in conversation. Okay? or I always criticize my partner.
Right? So, these are few symptoms where you get to know that the red flag can be in yourself as well, not others. Right? So, it is important, usually, if you know, Dr. John Gottman, he is the father of relationship psychology and all. And his wife.
Let's give the credit where it's due. Both of them. The Gottman Institute, it's not just Gottman, it's his wife as well.
Okay, so he tells that usually there are certain predictors by which it is known whether your relationship will work or not. Like? Like first of all, if your relationship has a lot of criticism, like there is a difference between criticism and constructive feedback. Like if I don't like something, then I will tell you that this thing can be done this way.
Don't you think so? Or I can say, you always do this, you always say this, I don't like this in you. So there's so much of criticism.
You see the difference? In tone. One is an attack, second is a conversation. But what I'm saying to you, that also matters.
If I say to you, in an easy way, it's usually said, that when there's a conversation in your relationship, then you use I statements, not you statements. Like, You are always late. You don't do this for me.
You don't do this for me. You are like this, you are like that. In fact, you say like this, that when you don't give me time, I feel very lonely.
Is there a difference? When you don't listen to me, I don't feel good. I don't feel good.
When you come on time, I feel validated. I feel good. So there is a difference between you statements and I statements. That you always do this, instead, You know, when this does not happen, I feel bad. Or I feel alone.
So what happens, you have highlighted yourself. Not them. Because many times it happens that if you say something to someone like this, they feel that you are pointing fingers at them. And every person, when they feel that someone is pointing fingers at them, they become defensive.
They don't come in, they go out. In the same way, relationships start becoming toxic. Okay, that's a very very very very very general statement. Keep this as a rule.
Do now specific examples in life. So understand one thing in life. Nothing is binary. Meaning you are good.
No, you are bad. I am good. In all circumstances across. No.
So keep stages. Keep phases. Keep spectrums in life.
Life is actually very complex. So if you see one thing. And for the first time you feel something. Light.
If things are not that serious, then you can start on the basis of I. In life, if you are sitting and explaining things to people, and things have become serious, you have entered the second stage, then maybe you can say that you do this and because of this, these problems are created. And this model you use, it's not a single model, only 500 models exist in psychology Because different psychologists have created their own models So it depends on you, you can choose where you are going to address the conversation Whatever you want to resolve, please do it with the depth where It really does not matter what the sentence or words are, what matters is the feeling and intent If the other person is genuinely seeing the intent that he wants to communicate something out of care So that is the most important thing.
If I make you sit in front of me and say that I have a problem and I want to discuss it with you. Right there when I set this as prime, the other person can understand that we are not going to fight. He doesn't want to fight. Then I tell him that what I understood from what you did and how it affected me. It's all about communicating in a way where you want to constructively fix something.
Only the third thing comes where things have become so bad Where you have tried first, then you tried second and you are on the third stage Where you see a person who doesn't want to fix anything So if you are saying that you always do this And let's say that it has come because of reactive aggression You know that you For example, you have to go to office at 8, 10, 9 and you have told a person to keep this thing here so that you can get it when you wake up in the morning. I am taking a small example. But you see, this person's organization level or simple out of care, this thing that you have to repeat 10 times, please don't do this, I get late or whatever. He keeps doing it again and again. So if you have reactive anger, your mind gets disturbed at that moment.
It's very human. You can't say that I felt this because you did it so many times. That's the thing. So there are stages to things as well. I think the most beautiful thing is the second one where what she said also applies.
I think it applies in the first stage too. But second is more so that you sit in front of people and you just express. And then you also want to listen. Please keep things reciprocated in the sense that what I am sharing is not final. It is possible that someone has OCD, it is possible that someone has some kind of disorder.
Since childhood, that person has not shared this with you. But that behaviour impacts them on a very high level. And then the person finally says that I can understand that my behaviour is impacting you. I want to share something with you today.
So let's say you have shared something. Some people can do this. They share their things and they feel that the conversation is over. I have shared it and I don't want to listen to the other person. Now this is on you.
And I will either pick up the phone or cut it. I am not paying attention to the conversation because I feel that I have done my part and now it is on this person. So this is the thing that listen to the first reciprocal of what you have shared that I can do in three simple parts.
Your behavior, how I interpreted it and how it made me feel. I'm repeating it again and again. Your behavior.
Second point is, I'm not saying maybe it was your intention. But please understand from the point of empathy. I made him understand this. Maybe you weren't doing it.
But I made him understand this. And third, he made me feel this way. So, maybe you can correct here that you didn't have any intention, or you miscommunicated completely, or something something.
Your second part will be corrected. And then he will understand that I understand, I shouldn't have done this. I will frame it better next time, I will communicate better next time.
And what you felt, I understand. The fourth part is about how to repair this behaviour. You can communicate like this too, but I want to say that there are stages to things. If someone is ignorant, if someone is doing something where you are going to fight, I won't just stick to the I.
There are stages. I understand what she is saying, but what I am saying is just contextually, nothing is absolute. So usually in relationships, use the I statements, not the U.
She said usually. That's the important part. You do this, say that when this happens, I feel bad. Okay? For example, if in a conversation, if you shout and talk, you always talk like this, you don't have any respect, instead you say that when we talk in a tone, I feel good, I feel like I'm heard.
You see the difference? So, there is a difference. You are criticizing one side, and you are giving constructive feedback to the other side.
So if there is constant criticism, then that is one thing that predicts that it won't work. Also, I would say if someone is shouting at you, maybe you're kind of the same thing, you know, you're way beyond the first part. You are at second or third, where maybe you should start considering that, okay, for the well-being, long term, simple, my well-being and my life and my relationship, what do I want? If someone shouts at me, what is the end of it?
Keep this in mind that this is a lifelong thing The point being that my behavior will directly impact my mental health If he shouts because he has aggression related problems Then what will he do today? Because there will be fights There will be a lot of things The game of the relationship is going to go up and down There will be doubts and those moments If someone anger related problems and let's say he is introspective about those things, he says that I want to fix it, so I will go to a psychiatrist. If I have actual strong anger related problems, then you should go to a psychiatrist. You should consult a psychologist first. First consult a good psychiatrist.
Who works with anger related things. So that if you have any diagnosis, you can give it. It can be neurological in nature, it can be a disorder.
It can be behavioral disorders. And you will learn the proper therapies from there. To solve the problem.
I see a problem in every solution. It's been going on on YouTube too. People keep saying that therapy is the solution. The word therapy is so complex and it has so many things.
Because if a person is doing Rogerian therapy, there are 500 things that are not qualified for giving therapy. And what will happen? A person thinks that therapy is the word and he has some problems. So, I should go to any therapist.
It's very dangerous misinformation basically. What else? Second, stonewalling. Now, what is stonewalling? Like if there's a fight, and there's an unburn between us, then I've shut myself down.
I'm not talking to anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. This happens a lot, right?
Like they say, a mouthful of... Silent treatment....is sitting. Or is sitting. And that person doesn't talk to me. Okay, now there is a fight, now what to do?
So one person has to talk about the problem, but the other person is sitting quietly, doesn't want to talk. So like ignoring the problem, right, at that moment, conversation, they are not conversing. And this is a problem. Like it is said that whenever there is a fight or problem, always resolve it within 72 hours. Otherwise it starts to become very grave.
It is like a stone, It stays in your heart. If you are not talking about it, if you are not resolving it. Like there is a saying, that never go to bed with that fighting mode. Always resolve your fights before you go to bed.
So that's also one of the things. So your stonewalling is done. Right?
Like you are not talking. You shut yourself down. I would say so.
Sometimes you can go to bed and maybe you wake up and you realize you may have a completely different interpretation about things. Always a thing is a, you know, like tricky zone. You may have sometimes just a shitty mood and this exists. Harmonically it exists. You can have a very crappy sleep and because of which you are grumpy.
It happens to a lot of people. And you may or you probably are passive aggressive or you probably fight with the person unnecessarily. You have fought and all you need is actually a good sleep and that you wake up and you're like, oh man, just don't even worry about it. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm just upset. That doesn't apply again always.
Not really. You have to really, really understand every battle is not significant battle. You can think of many battles because you didn't sleep well, you have a bad diet, somebody ticked you off, somebody irked you off, somebody irked you, you got lost in traffic, you were late, you had reduced water, there are a host of reasons. Those who can be biological, physiological, hormonal, mood related.
You talked at home, you were in office, you saw something, you didn't get promotion, you were talking, you got sidelined, whatever it is. And that thing is bothering you, is ruining your mind and it came out in a flash. You understand what I am saying?
maybe you're distracted today. And it happens to everyone. Not every fight is like, if we're sleeping on the bed, we had a little fight, you don't have to.
You know when a fight is actually about the relationship. A lot of times, the best thing is, if something is not getting solved, sit on it. Let's just sit on it. And tomorrow, let's see what we think about it. Think from a cold day's perspective.
That's what they say. I don't talk when I'm tired. Has this ever happened to you?
No, not with me. My partners were solution-oriented. But yeah, silent treatment, as far as I'm concerned, it's sort of a form of punishing. Because a person knows that if he wants to save himself, what's the best way?
completely cut it off. Pretend that nothing is happening, I don't want to talk about it. Wow, I'm really happy. But let me tell you that almost 65% of relationships are like this.
Where if something like a fight happens, I don't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. In India, not just in India, outside too, the three biggest big big problems which cause issues in relationship.
First is communication. You are not communicating or not doing it properly. Like they say that 75% is about how you speak and not what you speak. Your tonality matters a lot. Intent.
Intent. And intent will guide tonality. Like if I tell you that this is not the way to talk to you. Or I said, talk to him with love.
There's a difference. Yeah, because one is intent to correct someone. To show a sort of dominating or obedience.
Second is concern, kindness and empathy. And also expectancy. Empathy and expectancy too. Talk to him nicely. Right?
Yeah, if you want to talk to me, talk to me while being within my boundaries. So there is a way, right? So first and foremost, communication. And because in India, it is said that boys don't talk much.
If there is a problem, they don't communicate. This is general Indian male. They don't talk about the problems.
And females... Oh my God, that's a dangerous generalization. You can tell us simply and experientially how many of you were there when you faced a problem and you didn't want to talk about it. Or how many of you were there when you were told to resolve it.
Let's solve the problem. Tell me, I'm ready to hear. We'll solve it in hours.
Write in the comments below. Because I don't believe this at all. I would love to look at the data.
Because there's such a big claim that there are Indian men who don't want to solve problems. Yikes! Level 2. And if this is true, I don't know which study has taken out this correlation.
Indian men don't want to solve their problems in relationships. They don't talk. If there is a problem, they don't communicate.
This is general Indian male. They don't talk about the problems. And females, they want to talk it out. They want to communicate. Maybe some people talk in a very long and crisp way.
But everyone has their own way. Maybe say that then. We go into dangerous generalizations. Indian male. Indian girls want to resolve everything.
Basically, they give silent treatment to the boys. I'm pretty sure you'll find it in both parties. And I don't think there will be any data about the percentage of mail.
I think it's impossible to find the percentage. It depends on the person to person, stages to stages, lessons to lessons, learning to learning. A person who worked with a girl for 18 years, he would have understood her in 26 years.
It was a very stupid thing because he studied and understood. He said, I won't do this. I don't want to accept this mode of communication. And similarly, you'll find girls who do this.
They think that it's the best thing, but the other person is a miser and if they don't talk for 12 hours, they will leave. Then the person says, talk to me, talk to me, brother, forgive me. And when he thinks that my ego has won here, yes, fine.
So what happened here? Problem was not solved. Problem was not addressed. The other person did not take any accountability.
The other person does not want to take any accountability. The other person just wants to win. So silent treatment, which I think is what I am waiting to say.
That's why it's a form of punishment. It's a matter of ego. It's all about ego. Which is why when you see differences in communication, this could be one of the issues. So the second one is about sex.
So if your libido, like your physical companionship, being physically with each other, if there are differences in that, so even that can have problems. Like... we see a lot of infidelity issues, like cheating, this is because there is a difference in infidelity in the libido. So, sex could be one of the biggest issues.
Physical chemistry. Chemistry, right. So, one person wants to get cosy, the other person doesn't want to be, right?
So, if... What she means is, one person wants sex, the other person does not want to be cosy. It has nothing to do with sex.
If it goes on for a long time, then that could be another issue. So, we see a lot of... even sexless relationships and marriages.
In India? In India. Not just India, it's everywhere.
So this could-there are a lot of divorces, even 38% of divorces have been filed because of sexless marriages. But why? Because the difference of libido.
And this could be a partner-Bro, she's just giving causations after causations. And causation which is not scientific by the way. You can just google this. Tell me, if 38% of divorces are from sexless marriages, what causation is given there? Because that would be, oh my God, level finding.
Marriage, in the literature of psychology. If causation is proven. Because divorce is such a complex topic. And you're saying because of the difference in libido? So this is your research.
Divorce, families and adolescents in India. A review of research. Okay? In metropolitan cities like Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, the rate of divorce is more than 30%.
Okay. So here is your study findings. Okay? When they have read 14 paper summaries. And here are their findings.
Higher number of divorces accompanies higher level of education for women. Highest incidence of divorce among people who marry young. It becomes difficult for people who live in nuclear families to adjust to the environment of joint or extended families after marriage. Incompatibility emerged as the strongest social determinant causing divorce.
Two more psychological factors contributing to divorce were communication failure and mutual trust. The real reason for divorce in many cases is lack of understanding and communication between spouses, financial freedom, lack of time at home, erratic work hours, work pressure, financial securities and stress are seen as the main reasons. Cruelty. was found to be the main reason for divorce. Majority of the respondents informed that their kin's people were responsible for their divorce.
Adjustment problems within the time-extended family, alcoholism, resulting physical abuse were the leading causes of divorce. Women's attitude toward divorce is closely associated with associated with women's employment, spousal adjustment, and children's well-being. So I am going to read this. Dowry harassment, cruelty, desertion, physical and mental harassment.
Male dominance, all these things are coming. Till now, there is no such thing as sexlessness or sex. So this is your study, this is your article, published in 2019. So it's not that old, it's very old. Even you can google it yourself, whoever wants to do it.
So whatever my sister has said till now, I don't think such data exists. Could have less inclination towards sex or any physical chemistry. And it has nothing to do with gender. It could be anybody. And third is finances.
Breakups with money. or divorce, this could be the most biggest issue. So communication, sex and money can cause a lot of... These are the three biggest reasons due to which relationship issues can occur. Expand the topic of finance.
So if we talk about money, finance, if there is no financial security in the relationship, and if we look at today's generation, both are working somewhere, both are earning. So if you are not balancing those finances, or you are financially abusing your partner, right? Like if we talk about financial abuse, then you... you know, you're somewhere, you don't know where to draw the line.
You're using money, when the time comes, you're taking money out, you're taking it out somewhere. So what happens, if you're financially abusing the other person, you and their finance... I think mostly we're talking about women. I love that when it's about women, she wants to talk, she just makes it completely gender neutral.
But our girls throw a dangerous generalization on men. It doesn't match anywhere, okay? March means it's not necessary that if you are earning a lakh per month, then your partner should also earn a lakh.
It's not necessary. So it's the understanding of both of you that if you are earning one lakh a month, say supposedly, and your partner, suppose if he is earning 70, 80, or suppose 60 also, but you have an understanding and you respect each other's finances, not that you are abusing them, then it works fine. But if you don't have a financial balance and You have a huge difference between here and here, and you are financially abusing each other, so that could be one of the issues.
Like, one of the most DMs that I know, or when I put a reel about my male-female concept, people write that girls only want money. The only thing that a girl wants is money. But that's not true.
If there is an independent female, someone, like an actual woman would- Build everything on her own. Right? She would respect her money, and even his money. And goes vice versa.
Okay? So if you talk about money, then if you financially don't respect each other with money, then that could be one of the issues. Friends, if you liked this video, then definitely our play-I think the point she was making is, if you are in a relationship, a person is also wasting his money, and you also keep wasting your money. which I think in general, boys don't do because I think we are biologically wired to provide so we always think that I want to provide, I want to provide I don't want to take the money from the person who will give it to me I'm sure you will get examples of some boys who are taking money from girls person just spends, spends, spends, spends and second thing is if you are looking down on somebody even if they earn less, let's say your partner and you don't respect them and then of course, whatever achievement they are doing you are looking down on that thing so you are also attacking an identity of their life.
You know, this is our identity, which we see as a person, which we see as a point of ability, you are directly affecting it, harming it. So yeah, good video overall, but...