so many people are so interested in understanding how to deal with disrespectful people yeah like being disrespected right so if I'm being disrespected is there a playbook for me to handle that and why is it that so many people are so obsessed with like dealing with disrespect I find that people are really attracted to comebacks of things and I find that so funny but it's it's a big part of communication for an important reason when somebody is let's say belittling you or being rude or being disrespectful there's kind of I teach a little bit of a different method for each one and how you handle it makes a very big difference what we typically want to do when somebody's being rude to us or disrespectful we want to throw it right back at their face we want to ratchet it up because now we got to now we got to win so you think I'm stupid how about let me talk about how you're stupid I mean so we want to throw it back at the other person all that does is ratchet it up and then again it's it becomes to who's going to apologize first that kind of is where the game starts to lead um what do you I was curious what you have on the book now well I was just looking at this section in your book about dealing with difficult people yeah that's probably my favorite um it's your favorite yeah it was also probably the most popular part of the book because it outlines a specific m manual on how to handle these kinds of people and I've developed it from these people specifically that I've had in depositions and cross-examinations in the courtroom that very combative people that you find ways to you think that the power is in having a direct response back at them that's going to uppercut them like smart people people like you Stephen people like all your listeners we have this desire that when somebody says something ugly we want to send the Zinger like we want to have we want to craft something so poetic that it's not going to hit him until the two days they're like oh my gosh she totally got me and that's just not going to happen but the true power is this kind of Be Like Water mentality it's instead of direct with them you're just avoiding it you're pushing it out of the way to where you're going what you're saying is not threatening to me and you do that in several different ways this would be how I'd say how to handle people that are belittling you or giving you disrespect one you're going to add silence five to seven seconds of nothing two you're going to ask them to say it again let's say it's insults those insults are very direct you're ask them to repeat it and three you're going to just let that sit whatever they say so for example um let's put it in terms of somebody to let's give it an example this would be somebody who's giv you just a straight insult insults are different from a disrespect or something being rude insults are very direct saying somebody saying like you're ugly right um how I if I were to say you're Ugly how would you respond and you're not by the way but let's just say so it's so hard because it's like the context dependent like you i' laugh but if it was like it depends on the context doesn't it yeah I was I was like oh that's that's the shirt you went with I guess all right okay like that's whenever somebody is insult uh insulting you yeah we have this ability to get really mad and stew on it and get angry but best way to do it is let's say if you told me you know I I really think you're an idiot Jefferson give it a a little bit of silence and I would repeat I'm an idiot Jefferson now that's going to put it Spotlight right back on you for you to confirm it double down on it or you're gonna apologize a lot of time in arguments people take it back I'm sorry I shouldn't have I shouldn't have said that my head was I got to in front of it but if they double down on it what all you need to do is just thank them thank you in other words thank you for showing me who you are thank you for making sure that I'm not going to be with you uh anymore and this is who you are in my life very different from from let's say with somebody who is belittling you uh patronizing you being condescending to you this is where uh it gets fun this is one of my favorite ones so let's let's give this a um a test oh Stephen I see that uh you lost some weight that's that's great man good good for you how would you typically want to respond to that thank you yeah now if I had said something that was um a little bit more ugly if it was like oh you finally lost some way I was wondering where you would yeah uh that's that's good on you would you still say thank you again no yeah what would you say that's right yeah yeah exactly you be like Oh okay that's that's a little offensive so here's what I would want you to do add silence we're going to have five to 7 Seconds of silence and what that does is allow them their words to fall so it's going to one tell you that their words aren't threatening you're adding that space in there for two reasons one to calm you down because you're can to be using breath we talked about second of all it allows them to hear their words back because it's like they walked their words out onto a plank and now they're all alone so if you if you had said something ugly to me and um you said something like oh well um Jefferson great to be here I guess I I guess we'll include you I guess you just came it's something that made me feel like I wasn't wanting and if I just let that hang for a little bit and then I ask a question of intent these are what I call question of intent where it says did you say that to upset me did you say that to hurt me or did you mean if you begin your phrase with did you mean did you mean for that to offend me did you mean for that to be rude I do this a lot in uh email correspondence or texts when somebody send something to you and you feel like all of a sudden it's rude but really if you just text did you mean for that to sound short like it cures up almost instantly because it's not exactly a lot of the time people don't mean it that way but they're going to say something to you that is going to respond and most likely they're going to say no they're not going to know how to handle that they're not going to do with that if you can respond with um imagine imagine being like imagine being the person who would say that or how did you want me to feel or ask them how did you feel when you said that how does it make you feel when you say that you're going to say something ugly to me I give it a big pause and I would respond how does it make you feel when you say that to me or I'm surprised you said that out loud can you just tell them how it felt can you just say that was really hurtful yeah you can but that's that's giving them what they want you're giving them the dopamine that's what they wanted they said that so that it would hurt they're saying that for because in their mind they wanted you to have that sense of pain they wanted to grab that from you they wanted that sense of control so when you say oh that hurt often that's exactly what they wanted in that moment now it's going to take them some time to realize oh I was really a jerk about that but in that moment what they're wanting is that hit a DOP mean from you they're wanting that sense of control so when you ask them a question so if I were to say that was that was rude they're you're giving them what they want that's a direct statement but if I asked did you say that did you say that to be rude did you mean for that to sound rude now they have to admit that's very different now they have to admit what their intent was with that now they have to say yes or no most what they most of the time what they do is they kind of fumble over their words and they what I mean what I meant to say was or no no no no I'm sorry what what I meant was they don't want to they don't want to hurt now they're going to hurt their reputation now they're going to they put themselves way too far out on a Ledge and that's much harder on page 166 of your book the next conversation you say when you hear someone say something rude or insulting understand that they're wanting something from you that something is dopamine the Feelgood hormone that something is dopamine yeah so when they when somebody says something to be ugly what they're wanting is your emotion they're saying I'm unhappy I'm only going to be satisfied if I can make you a little bit unhappy too that's where I'm going to feel justified in this I'm only going to feel Justified when I've caused you pain and when that happens your best defense against that is to be like a wet blanket like be a soggy piece of bread they can't do anything with they can't move that they can't control that and what you're telling them in that moment is it's not going to be that fun for you that's the best way to handle a bully bully does something and you ask them did you say that to hurt me or does it feel good for you to say that or how did you want me to respond when you said that let's say I came in and I go oh I guess we're you know I guess this is okay yeah I guess we can talk in here that's fine right I mean that's kind of condescending yeah wouldn't you say and if you had asked me in that moment um did you mean for that to sound rude I'd be like oh no oh no goodness either either I'm calling it out or you'd say that's that's an odd thing to say out loud can you say that in all context so I'm thinking if you can you say that to your like the of the company you're an intern MH and they say something to you and they look at a piece of work you've made and they go I mean I guess that's okay yeah do you know what I mean does context matter here well I I still think you could say it I mean it depends how you're going to yeah yes it just depends uh yeah context certainly matters on some level but I mean if if it is a position of just I think if there's a such a huge power dynamic something like that if you're an intern and you're like look this guy's just having a bad day I don't think I need this is not the time for me to choose to try and have a u a way of making him feel bad or if it's like okay I can I'll accept that or I can do better with that there's ways that you can try and diffuse the the rudess another that I really like to to use this would not be in in that context but that's below my standard for response that a really bad argument so I've had it where really really bad arguments where you've used that's below my standard for response and they really don't know what to say after that a lot of times when I'm in depositions and somebody has a snarky comment towards me I'll ask them now how how did you want me to respond to that they don't know they don't really have an answer they kind of just go I mean what I mean what I meant was and they and they fix it but the signal you're sending the whole point of it all is to show them that the next time you choose to do this it's not going to be fun this is not what you're getting that's the whole point of getting them to repeat a lot of the times if I say you know what I didn't I didn't catch that can you can you say that again they can't bear to say that again it's like conversational boundaries yeah so one time I had a case between two sisters and it was about as fun as it sounds uh two older sisters have fighting over our company their dad had passed away I had one sister another attorney friend of mine had another sister and my client was let's say very level-headed she wanted to preserve the legacy of their family and the company the other had very different Life Choices let's say and the other one wanted to sell the company well they eventually came to almost an agreement on how they were going to divvy up uh bu buy the sister out we're at mediation and I knew that we knew that this other sister was there's no telling what she was going to she's going to say out of her mouth and I had already prepared my client for if she insults if she says anything ugly you're going to ask her to say that again all right so sure enough we get at the mediation table we have a a opening discussion and the sister the let's say the the more fiery sister goes on this tirade and and says how everything's against her she hates everything and then she looks at her sister and says and I've never I I I've never loved you you're dead to me anyway now that's sister to sister that's like terrible it was it was super sad to watch my client goes I need you to say that again to me and the other sister couldn't do it she didn't say that again because it it puts them out on a Ledge where they they can't really they're not going to get the effect it's not nearly as effective when you say it the second time the first time was through em motion it was the amigdala you get it and the second time was you're forcing them to into the prefrontal cortex to make like a a logic you got it yeah now now they have to think does this make sense for me to say again yeah because the first it the first effect isn't there it's not as uh it's not as powerful the first time when somebody gives you an insult and you say you know I didn't I didn't catch all that I need you to say that again for me can you repeat that most of the time they won't because they know at now I look bad because you all you did about with that question has put the spotlight right back on them and they can't they can't take that so they don't know what to do with it it's interesting because some of the things you as you talking thinking is this like advice for dealing with really toxic people or is this also advice just for dealing with like couples arguing because it sounded the type of person that would not respond to that really hurt me yeah sounds like a bit of a monster right like a narcissist when when somebody is so if my girlfriend turned around to me and said that really hurt me I'd like it would kill me yeah some people yeah let's put it in well one it's because you love the person right and and she loves you and so that's that's a little bit different when you're dealing with people that are everyday rude at the workplace at the office or maybe you are in a relationship with somebody who's a narcissist or somebody who is toxic or you have that bad relationship I think it's perfectly okay to use these kind of sentences that are going to put somebody back I mean like even let's say in my own relationship okay I certainly use we both use my wife and I the did mean for that to sound short I've also said something and said something I didn't mean and she's come back using my own things no that's okay yeah and she's using your stuff oh my gosh yeah and and and she'll say you know did you did you say that to upset me but and you're like but but at the same time understand that when you say those kind of things some sense of it is giving grace to the other person of not accepting that what they meant to say what they said was what they meant to say mhm because maybe I I'm giving you the chance here to clarify if I were to say did you do you mean for that to sound rude and you're like oh goodness no that's not what I meant I'm giving you the the grace of a second chance rather than just deciding to to take it personal we do that a lot on text message like somebody sends you a text and all of a sudden you're feeling like oh my gosh this is the rudest thing ever and then you find out they didn't give it with that kind of inflection or tone at all I was thinking of two things at the same time I was thinking when we approach these difficult conversations with difficult people is there a certain priming that we need to do to ourselves to make sure that we're in the right frame of mind because even as a podcaster I see huge variance in my ability to like speak and articulate myself based on things that happened in the last 24 hours yeah so is there do you ever think about like when you've got those big cases coming up how to prime yourself to make sure that your brain your mouth everything is working in unison and you feel like a emotionally ready for that conversation yes so one I I do one is I let's put it in terms of work and home because everybody listening right now us included we have a a work life and then we have a home life and sometimes it's really easy to switch those up is never allow myself to be put in a conversation when I'm not ready especially important conversations like you don't want to wait until you have 10% of your battery left for 100% of a conversation it's just not going to go well when you wait till you finally put the kids to bed and you're both drained and exhausted or you've had a really hard stressful day and you're mad and like that's the time when it's right before bed that you're going to decide to have the most important conversation between you two it's never going to go well like because you're aggravated you're agitated you're probably hungry and so you you don't set yourself up for failure and that would be don't have a conversation when you're not ready ways to and this goes same for your triggers is part of that self-awareness is saying that out loud meaning I'm going to begin my sentence with I can tell I can tell I'm not ready for this conversation or you say something that's triggering to me I can tell I'm getting defensive I can tell that's upsetting me like when you say it out loud when you claim it you control it rather than me starting to act defensively and being defensive and saying defensive things I say I can tell I'm getting defensive like that now I've said it out loud of that feeling I'm not becoming the feeling I've said it and so there's a big big difference in how when you're in those difficult conversations when you want to prepare yourself you find ways to one have self-awareness of I can tell when I'm I'm ready when I'm not ready second of all is if you know your triggers and you know what's going to upset you you try and like curb that as best you can when you're when you're not in the fight or flight you're not going to put yourself in the bad position so that that would be the biggest takeaway is don't you put don't put yourself in position to fail and I've also heard you say that when um you're being disrespected I mean this was the first of the three point you said a second ago is to create that silence again uhuh why is why does that matter what you mean by that yeah so pauses though they are the absence of words they're not the absence of communication meaning there's a difference in pauses between somebody saying I love you and a really long pause before somebody says I love you too or somebody your girlfriend asked where were you last night and you take one second to respond instead of seven seconds to respond they each say different things so pauses are wonderful at getting the other person and yourself to fill in blanks and when you're dealing with people who are let's say toxic or ugly or just not being nice they will fill in that silence for you and it it does two it does two things it allows you with the breath and the pause to make sure you keep the analytical side pushing the emotion down you'rein not getting flooded next it's also doing the same thing for them when I add silence I making you almost repeat your words back in your head often you've been in those arguments where somebody already apologizes for what they said without you having to say anything you've seen it too on a text somebody says something ugly in a text and you don't respond for a few hours most often they will reply back at least in my world they say like I shouldn't have said that or they'll try and reframe it or they'll edit the text you now you have the benefit of uh hindsight when oh that didn't that didn't sound good or they'll twist their word again to to fix it so like for example I see this a lot with Liars people who who lie on the stand and in litigation you always have people lie even in deposition just it's just part of it you don't really get surprised by it but silence is the number one like killer of liars because they have conversations in their head for you so if you're going to tell me a lie for example and instead of me going that's not true that's not true and then you're going to it's like you like that okay good they're engaged now I can start to manipulate the narrative and you'll tell a lie and then it forces me to try and fix it no no no that's not true remember you did this and you did this and you're trying to get around them that's exactly what the liar is wanting the more engaged the more conversation the more believable it feels to you so then you start to doubt yourself like oh maybe they did Silence like just destroys them so if you were to tell me a lie and I waited five to seven seconds and I repeated the question to you I I repeated your answer let's say I know that you were at the store last night and you're trying to lie to me and say no I was home last night and let's say I think you weren't up to no good at the store and you go uh just say Jefferson I was at the store last night I was um I was at the store last night 7-Eleven at the store last night at the [Music] 711 yeah I'm going to come back to to this conversation in a bit right so all of a sudden the liar is like oh no no no don't don't do that don't do that don't do that like oh now you're now you're thinking about it now you're thinking about it like you know I was at the strip club yeah yeah yeah it's like I I know you weren't where where you say so if you can say you add in time like um I want to I'll come back to this conversation or if I were to say something feels off they don't like that the Liars don't like that at all because they want you engaged they want more conversation so when you slow it down and you go it's not even saying I don't believe you don't say that that's that's getting them that's more engaged in conversation but when you slow it down and get quieter of I'm thinking I'm just thinking Liars will start to have the conversation in their head with you they'll start to say things like I mean what what do you I mean what do you let's put myself in your position if you said you're at the store and I didn't really believe you you'd be like I mean where where do you think I was I mean why why would I be there like they start to try and get into your head so that they can fix it I'll try to twist The Narrative to the place to pieces in a way of they're not going to fill in every piece of the puzzle the jigsaw puzzle but just enough hopefully you get the rest of the picture but silence pauses that's where your real power is because they can't do anything with it and it shows that you're the one in control and they're the ones that are not and I guess you w if you're lying in that context you want certainty that the other person believes you so the issue with the big pause you gave is if I was at the strip club last night I now don't have certainty that you believe what I'm saying so I need to like keep going until I can convince you yes that I was at you know the 7-Eleven so I now I need to push back on you and say what what do you mean exactly why why you asking this yeah yeah exactly why you asking me this yeah yeah you're wanting more give me give me a conversation we need conversation I need it now cuz the uncertainty is not good to deal with no oh no they get in their head about it but it's this that same concept we talked about of people who tell the truth they don't they have all the patience in the world if I if you really were at the store and I was like I I need to think about this for a minute you'd be like okay you know it wouldn't bother you because the those that have told the truth they have they have nothing to hide if you need to think on it you something feels off okay well I'm I'm here to talk about it but that's that's where I was and you do know you know that like regardless if they think about it or regardless of whatever they do next I know where I was so you're only going to uncover evidence that I was at the 7-Eleven last night that's exactly right you're going to look at my bank statements you're going to see I was at the 7-Eleven last night so there's a certain confidence that comes with that where you don't need to prove yourself yeah it's a relief it's a confidence of going no I know I know exactly where I am is that that in her confidence we talked about the very beginning but the people who don't tell the truth oh I mean I I can if I had a dollar for every time I've seen it or I've asked somebody the question back they said um usually it's texting while they drive I never text I never text when I drive let's say I asked somebody you asked me the question you know um here we'll run it through so ask me the question were you texting while you were driving that day were you texting while you were driving that day no I never text never text when I drive now notice I said a big word I said never never is an extreme extremes are a dead giveaway that they're usually not telling the truth everybody texts when they drive at some point in time even in your car never and always or never it's always or never true so that's a big one second of all I answered really quickly I didn't breathe or really think about it and try and actually show you that I was trying to remember in time give you a really immediate response so uh um what you're going to do we're going to replay it again I'm going to say same exact thing and I'm going to ask you to give me about five seconds of time and then I want you to repeat what I said slower cool so ask me if I was um if I was um texting while I was driving that day were you texting while you were driving that day no no never I I never text when I drive you never text when you drive so even that I didn't I didn't even like that so what they'll do most often is they'll even go well I mean I mean I mean sometimes I do because now they you just hinge on that word never yeah so now they know oh that's a risk word and they'll kind of come out of it and go I mean I mean sometimes I do I mean maybe but but but hardly hardly ever hardly ever when that happens what you typically want to do is give them an out now they've they've put themselves into a corner and now they're looking for an out and a way to do that is go if you were texting it's it's okay are we recording 87% of people don't subscribe on the clips Channel yeah Taking Liberties what just coming for free and then bouncing what 87% 90% of people on the clips Channel don't subscribe what it says here so I've been doing all this for free you've been consum on all these clips for listen can we we'll make a deal um I'm really going to make these clips amazing and you're in the clips algorithm on our show so can I ask a favor please can you hit the Subscribe button if you've watched more than one before how how about that if you've watched more than one first one free buy one get one free the second one I'm going to have to ask you to subscribe if this is the first time you've seen a clip on this channel move along you don't need to subscribe but if you've seen one before please do me a favor help a guy out hit the Subscribe button thank you so much