Shalom Shalom can hear me good I need one of these at home for my children we're gonna talk about love you like love do you love love all right well we're gonna talk about all kinds of love without between husband and wife love between parents and children love between friends and friends and maybe the hardest one loving ourselves and we're gonna do all that in a very short amount of time but at least it's a beginning so I'm sitting with my wife one night I turned to my wife Conner I say kana why do you love me she said why do you assume that I said well let's just assume that just first you know just assumption wise and she said I have no reason to love you boy I said you can't find one reason to love me I mean just one what about my humor that's the worst one I said I said you don't have a reason to love me she said not only do I have no reason to love you you wouldn't want me to have a reason to love you I said no I think it would she's no you wouldn't because if I had a reason to love you it would be the reason I love and not you and if that reason we're no longer relevant what would happen to my love I love you for no reason and I love you even when you give me reasons not to love you and I do give a reason not to let me just to test her right so I want to talk about loving for no reason loving ourselves for no reason loving each other for no reason loving our children our parents our spouses for no reason and I want to share a very powerful for me was a life-changing thought rooted in drawn from the teachings of the Kabbalah Kabalah is the secrets of Judaism it's not a separate tradition it is Judaism but it goes to the wise and the deep deep kind of structure and science of Judea so let me tell you a canna combi lists extorting and based on the story we're going to identify three ingredients - all loving relationships and I'll give examples from different kinds of relationships but these principles are applicable to every kind of relationship even with yourself so the first thing is the Kabbalah teaches that in the beginning all of existence was an endless light an endless light when the divine when God wanted to create you and me he caused a withdrawal from the center it was light creating a spherical vacuum now that's an impressive circle I've been doing this for 40 years that's a good circle that's that's my biggest talent okay creating a spherical vacuum in this vacuum the Kabbalah teaches that God produced vessels vessels are very different than the light they're other than the light the light is unlimited the vessels are limited it then says that God projected a thin ray of his endless light into the vessels but the vessels couldn't take the light and they exploded went into the next vessel and exploded and all the vessels exploded this is my favorite part all the vessels exploded I'm very good at right drawing chaos all the vessel exploded and went into chaos the continuation of the story is called tikkun to fix these broken vessels so that we can receive this light now I know this all sounds kind of very mystical but what I've actually drawn here is a picture of all loving relationships right all loving relationships all right we're going to identify the four ingredients - all loving relationship the first ingredient is the art of making space in the beginning there was just God God said speak pulled out of the way created a space so to speak within himself for other than God same thing in our lives as children babies we think we're the world we're all there is you know I remember when we were carrying our first child when my wife was pregnant and the doctor said that you know he's concerned about her calcium level so we have to work on that and my wife said oh good whatever I wouldn't want to do anything that would be harmful to the baby so oh no I'm not worried about the baby babies are the most egotistical creatures in the world that baby will suck every single ounce of calcium out of your body until your bones rot right I'm not worried about the baby babies I'm the world I'm all there is you know what it means to grow up it's hard it's to move yourself out of the center and create a space for other than yourself okay the first step is creating space if you're self-centered if you have to be in the center you can't have a relationship you have to move yourself out of the center and create space the second is you're creating space for someone who's other than you very different than you the light and the vessels are very different the light is limited the vessel of the light is unlimited the vessels are limited right vessels are vessels light is expanding and we're gonna go through the four in a second I'm just gonna give you all four and then we go back over them the first step is learning to create space in your life for somebody other than you the second is to create space in your life for someone who is other than you respect their other nests nurture their other nests support their oven theirs they're not you the third step is this light over here this this this ray of light is giving of yourself to other that's what the Kabbalah says God gave himself over to the other why it broke we'll have to talk about that in my upcoming class later on today but everything broke down and in this space and the story of love is chaos breakdown limitations imperfections you're creating space for all of that to the last step which I have not drawn on the board here which is called tikkun is to allow the other in your life whether it's your children your spouse your friend or the other you that you're dealing with right to be able to do the three steps for you to create space in their life for you sometimes this is the hardest thing to let people love us sometimes it's easier to love than to be loved so those are the first four steps creating space in your life moving out of the center creating a space for someone other than you by the way that's what's called the hug what are you doing when you're hugging someone you're creating a space in yourself for somebody else but you have to create that space in a way that when you hug them you don't pin their arms down you enable them to create a space in their life to include you so creating space honoring respecting supporting nurturing other than you giving of yourself to other and allowing other to all that for you so let's give examples of that right let's give examples for that let's talk about the first one creating space getting out of the way getting out of the way I remember I once saw a film called Kramer vs Kramer it was a film about a divorce the fellow comes home he's very very excited about his day at work a lot of exciting successful things are happening he comes home he's raving about his day his wife turns him says I'm leaving you he says no problem and he continues to revel about his day and how wonderful he doesn't even hear her right I'm going alright we're done and he doesn't even hear her until fine she puts the key of the house on the the counter of the kitchen and she gets in her car and he's still talking doesn't even know that she doesn't even notice that she left the room and then he sees her in the car says hey where you going she says I'm getting divorced he was so full of himself you can't be in a relationship when you're full of yourself you have to create space in your life for a relationship and your relationships have to be the one and most important priority in your life right if we really want to succeed because relationships take that kind of space you have to move out of the way you have to create the space in your life the time in your life for someone other than you and it's creating a space for someone whose other than you and that's really hard it's hard for us to believe that somebody other than us and how other they are I know for myself when I was dating it was very difficult because people knew that I was Rabbi David Aaron public speaker can get in front of a lot of people but what people don't know about me is I'm actually a very quiet guy you probably won't believe this right when I'm up here I've got lots to say when I'm down there I'm a very quiet guy right and so I'm kind of like an introvert extrovert so all the girls they go out with they were told this is Rabbi David Ayer he's a public speaker I come to the date I have nothing to say it was very very quiet very quiet girls I got a bad name he wasn't so nice he didn't speak that much he probably didn't like me but when I met my wife right the first date she spoke the entire evening I didn't say much at all second date she speaks the entire evening I don't say much at all third date she's still talking I haven't said much at all fourth date I say no you're not gonna we've gone out this is our fourth time and I I really haven't said much at all you know you've just been talking I say does that bother you she said no I'm deaf now god forbid she said no it doesn't I said why she said she said because I believe that I should just give you the space to be who you are and when you'll be ready to talk you'll talk I haven't stopped since right she created space for other I was other than she thought I would be she was other than everybody expected me to be that's a relationship I create space but I create space for someone who's other than my dreams other than my expectations other than I want you to be I want you to be you and I love you for that so actually before I met my wife I was dating woman we ended up getting engaged and well it was Saturday night that Shabbat was a very rainy Shabbat and my suit got wet so I had a suit that I never wore was a black suit that at the time I never wore black suits I happen to have it and it was raining so I have a black hat which I don't wear that much and I never wore it in one of our dates and then Saturday night I went to meet my fiancee but I was wearing this black suit and a black hat she opened the door she said oh just the way I always pictured you always pictured me what do you mean always pictured me and suddenly it hit me that this woman was cheating on me the whole time we were dating she was seeing another man and I was the other man the man of her dreams she'd projected her fantasies on me right the same thing with our children we've got fantasies of who our children are or who our parents should be who our friends should be that's not love love means getting out of the way creating space for someone who's other than you but it's hard for people to understand that people could be other than them you know I was at something called handwriting analyst and drawing analysis my wife does this and so there were three of us at the table and part of the drawing analysis is to draw a tree on the back of the page so I drew my tree and these two other guys they draw their tree one guy drew this tiny little tree in the upper left corner of the page the guy next to him drew this huge tree that took up the entire page well now something very funny happens well call him mr. big tree turns over and I see he's looking at little shrub and he's having a hard time finally he couldn't hold himself back he wants to be kind he's excuse me I hope you don't think I'm intruding you know when someone says that the means they are right I hope you don't mind I'm intruding but you got it all wrong the guy says I got it all wrong said yeah you got it all wrong you didn't you didn't read the instructions I didn't know it's clear it says draw a tree on the back of the page you didn't do that he said I didn't know first of all that's not a tree you call that a treat that's a shrub right second of all that's not the back of the page that's the upper left corner of the page he wants a tree like mine and he flashes his tree he says this is what he wants so poor little shrub starts rubbing out his tree trying to draw a tree like the other guy and the whole time I'm cracking up laughing cuz they're both wrong my tree was the right tree try that with your family get everybody to draw a tree in the back of the page and you'll discover how other we are you'll be surprised by people's trees well you'll be surprised by more than just the trees we're all creating the image of God the image of God is I'm comparing nobody's like God nobody's like you if you create the image of God means you're created in the image of you Niq this will spell that y-o-u uniqueness right you're unique and if you want to be in a relationship then you have to embrace that people are different and love them right now we all know love your neighbor as yourself but that doesn't mean love your neighbor as yourself love them the way you want to be loved it means love your neighbor as yourself just like you would love to be loved the way you need to be loved find out the way they need to be loved right I have a friend who was in an accident as paralyzed he's not able to feed himself he told me something amazing he said when people feed him he has to remind them to give him the cooked vegetables because they don't like cooked vegetables they don't feed him the cooked vegetables and when he says them could I have some of the cooked vegetables with hesitation they give it to him but they don't go back to it and he has to ask him again but can I have some more of those cooked vegetables it's such an interesting thing we so assume that what we like and what we need and how we need to hear I love you is the way our children needed our friends needed our spouse needed but we need to learn their love language because everybody has a different love language there's a couple that met in one of my programs and they got married very quickly but unfortunately they didn't realize how very different they were and very quickly they were having a serious marital problem so they came to me the rabbi you know people think for some strange reason that rabbis can answer all questions in all areas of life and that's ridiculous it's only true in my case but other than that I don't know why why would I be an expert of marriage but anyways they start talking to me about that so I've got this idea I take him aside and I say do me a favor tell me point to one thing about her that bugs you he says I write these little notes these little love notes and I see she doesn't appreciate it I'm surprised that's that's what he comes up with there they're on the verge of a divorce that's what's on his mind all right I take her aside privately I say well tell me what bugs you she says I buy him these beautiful gifts I'm in the shopping mall I see this great sports jacket I don't think twice I charge it to my husband I take it home and and he gets home he sees on the bed this beautiful gift wrap gift and I see he just doesn't appreciate it that's what came to your mind okay I'm thinking about this and I realize you know what I take maasai quietly I say tell me when you were growing up did you get a lot of big gifts it's at all the time my parents would just give me all these big gifts but they were never really there you know they were never really there oh okay I went to her privately so tell me when you were a little kid did you get a lot of little love notes she's at all the time my parents would leave these sweet warm notes but they weren't around phantom mom and dad there were just notes I realized you know what's going on here she's giving him what she wants him to give her and he's giving her what he wants her to be giving him we all do this we somehow assume that the way I need someone to say and show they love me is the way everybody needs to know that that's how they need to be loved you have to figure out what's the unique love language of your children of your parents of your spouse of your friends and maybe also not just maybe for sure what's the love language you have to give to yourself what's the love language you have to give to yourself this is the same thing how to love yourself create a space for yourself in your life there are people who have no time for themselves no time for themselves create a space in your life for you so hard these days you know when I was a kid and was it so long ago we didn't have smartphones we didn't have programs on demand so there are times where there was no way I could distract myself I had to be with myself right if I got into some you know tense moment with my parents or friends I had nowhere to run right I I didn't have a smartphone that I could just take out and get distracted I had to think I had to contra but I had to be with myself we need to give create space in our life for ourselves but for ourselves other than we thought we'd be other than we dreamed we'd be other than our parents told us we'd be create a space in your life for the other you again same application creates space and respect other nurse other than you dreamed of other than you're used to other than you hoped for other very other at a sad situation a friend of mine was not married or Nina's 50s he was visiting in Jerusalem for an international singles weekend now you know I'm actually one of my little hobbies is matchmaking I love to mess people's lives and so so I said I'd like to go I'd like to see what they're doing at this event so we got to this event at a hotel there's a woman sitting there in the lobby she also looks like she's in her 50s he comes up he's excuse me is this where the International singles event is happening she looks at him with disgust a perfect stranger she says well you're late you're late said I'm not late right right and they started yelling each other and I realize oh my gosh she's not seeing who he is so creates be for someone other than yourself the next step is give of yourself to other be there for somebody that's the greatest gift you can give somebody it's called presence be there listen to them be in their lives you know I do a lot of traveling I tried to stay away from home not too long right I don't want to miss my home for more than a Shabbat it's very hard but there was one particular vent that I was away for two weeks and I missed to Shabbat with my family when I came home I turned to my children I said you know I feel bad we were I was away for a long time thank God my wife and I are blessed with seven children and so I turned to the children I said you know kids I want to do something special I'm gonna take you all out to dinner right kids seem to be very receptive about that we're walking out of the old city of Jerusalem where I live I turned to my children I said kids what do you want Italian or Chinese my son five years old without a beat he said I want you yeah my kid wanted to eat me freaked me out freak me out and I realize my gosh my kid doesn't want an egg roll my kid doesn't want a slice of pizza he wants time with me that's your greatest gift to each other give each other time people have no time weren't wearing have no time have no time that's the most important gift right I have a friend son was chosen to put the Mizzou's on and on the new wing of the school mother calls her husband honey this is unbelievable right father says you know honey sweetheart you know we're in the middle of some big deals I can't make it but you know what I'm gonna get him that bicycle I know he well I know he'll be happier with the bicycle I mean there you'll get pictures you can show me on FaceTime I'll get him that bicycle he wants you think that kid wants that bicycle well I know his father he actually the kid didn't want the bicycle now I just know the kid doesn't want a bicycle you see that's really sad that we think toys are us and we can give them toys but that's not what they want they want time with us your spouse wants time with you your children wants time with you your friends want time with you and you you need time with yourself right so you have to be there be present be in the moment with somebody share that time share that time together last point is allow people to do the three for you let them make space for you that's called intimacy intimacy is into me see see it to me allow people to see into you be vulnerable allow them to love you include your problems that's what love is that's what love is you create a space for somebody else in your life that's what I've experienced thank God in my life but that's what we can do we can give to other people I once thought if I had to make a difficult choice to love her to be loved and I couldn't have both which would I choose think about that question I think we would all choose even though our first thing with we want to be loved but I think in the deepest steps we want to love and nobody stops you from that we can wait around and hope that someone's gonna come along and love us but there's so many people out there no lack of people and that's our choice we can go out and love them create a space in your life allow people to love you you know see that's what it means I mean you know to get love from the world people can love me why not they don't know my problems they don't know my dark side my children my wife they know my drug side they know who I am right that's why I'm here my wife threw me out of the house no but that's real love I create a space for someone whose other than me someone who's imperfect someone who has chaos I give of myself to them I'm there for them I support them I respect them I accept them and I give myself to them and I allow them to give themselves to me thank you very much so now we have time for questions which is my favorite part so we have a microphone and you can ask me questions so who would like to ask a question God takes a little courage to create space in your life to make a question yes what's your name stand up wait can we get the mic over here quickly thank you very much right over here what's your name Linda Wow I heard that yes thank you for what you shared I have a year off not working this year and my challenge and opportunity is to learn to love myself so how would you say I'd best go about that okay how do love yourself you know I realized this when my first child got married and I saw how it was kind of easy for her to leave the house what's so hard for me and as much as I'm sure my children love me I love them more because they didn't do for me as I've done for them I've invested in them they don't remember the time that we had to rush them to the hospital or we're you know so you connect through giving and giving and children they don't they don't have an opportunity really so much to give to their parents parents are giving and giving and when you give to somebody you connect to them I know my parents when I was growing up they would always say we want knock us we want knock us I never knew what they meant and that was in Los Angeles and I saw a restaurant called Taco Bell which is a restaurant and on the front it said knockos you know I said that's what they want I sent them FedEx hot nachos but not can I get my parents what did I do for my parents you know but they do so much for us so what we need to do to love ourselves is we have to take care of ourselves we have to be kind to ourselves we have to invest in ourselves we have to exercise eat well people who live a disciplined life will love themselves more sometimes when we're feeling down and depressed we said I'm just gonna do whatever I feel I'm gonna go treat myself but very often that doesn't really deliver because do good for yourself ask yourself I mean I asked I have students that are 18 and I say are you doing things that you wouldn't want your children to be doing they said yeah I said then you don't love yourself right don't do something you wouldn't want your children to do right take care of yourself do good and so loving yourself is not an emotion it's an action in our tradition love is an action you take action to create space you take action and in a very active way show respect and accommodate people being other than you take action and be present do the same for yourself create a space in your life and acknowledge I'm other than I thought I'd be I'm other than the dreams I'm not perfect and then be there for yourself be kind and ask yourself what good could I do for me do something kind to yourself and the more you are kind to others the more kind you are to self more connected you or to others more connected you will be with yourself more questions thank you very much Linda for that question more questions come on yes yeah what's your name my name is Ariela Avila thank you so much for everything that you said but my question is so I'm a teenager and I obviously don't know my whole self yet and how can I go about loving myself when I don't know who I am okay you don't need to know who you are to love yourself you have to just be kind to yourself you know in other words I'm sure you make mistakes sometimes we all make mistakes what do you think say in your head what do you say of yellow you're such an idiot I'm not allowed to say that not allowed to say that right not like to say that you've made a mistake acknowledge okay I made a mistake but I'm gonna choose to get up and do better next time but be kind the first thing is you know people say such nasty things to themselves things they would never want anybody in the world to say to themselves and we could say such horrible things to ourselves about ourselves and the sad thing is wherever we are there we are I mean a friend we can get rid of we are with ourselves we need to practice self compassion we know the golden rule love your neighbor as yourself but very few realize that that's predicated and loving yourself I know a lot of people that I prefer don't love me the way you love yourself please love me a little better right so you have an obligation to love yourself and treat yourself kindly and ask yourself is this good for me is this healthy for me is this respectful towards myself I had a student and she she dressed in the most ragged way she wore what in Yiddish is called it's actually a French designer call schmatta writes mottos she was schmatta drags in a ripped clothing and everything is ripped right and I and I'm never like this I'm really not that kind of a person but I took her aside and very gently I said why do you dress with schmatta why why did you do that she says cuz I like it it's you know and the girl could afford you know nice clothing and this was before ripped clothing was considered to be classy right and I said you know what honestly I think the reason why you wear ripped clothing she had a t-shirt ripped all over messy I said I think you wear that t-shirt cuz you identify with that t-shirt right and maybe you deserve to dress better what she was really challenged by what I said and the next day she didn't come wearing that t-shirt she wore armor no I'm just joking but yeah yeah so treat yourself well dress nicely not don't get too crazy about it dress nicely exercise eat healthy speak kindly and do kindness toward yourself when you like yourself it'll be so much easier to like everybody else but when we don't like ourselves we think everybody else doesn't like us right and one of the things I learned is self worth is not a democratic vote you can get the whole world to say you're great if you can't say it to yourself literally look yourself in the face and they mirror and say I love you I care about you I know you're not perfect right but that's okay I remember when I was dating my wife and I said to her you know I want to tell you something I'm a deep guy right you don't start teaching this kind of stuff but I'm a deep guy because I've had a lot of challenges in my life right and you know I just want you to know that about me and she said that I said does that worry you she said no I said why not she said cuz this is our last date no she didn't say that I said why she said because I Reba leave a relationship is work and I want a relationship that I can work at and you look like a piece of work and I said I am and I am right I am so take care of yourself be kind to yourself speak kindly to yourself and do good for yourself and you will for sure do good for others is there time for one more question is there another question where are you yes please what's your name I'll get could we get the why I didn't bring my wife right well the truth is that I don't have a wife I was just making up all these stories right that's rabbis as a rental wife program that you can have so that people can think that you're married no why I didn't bring my wife it was actually a struggle it was really struggle we thought about it sometimes she does traveling with me but we decided this time not I'm not sure if it was a good idea or not for both of us but think we're married and we have a great relationship but I want you to know we work at our relationship a relationship that you don't work at doesn't work and just know that what they've shown you in the films rarely happens I remember a film when I was a kid called love story you know these films always have some like deep message so the deep message is love means never saying sorrow sorry and if we came on the Valentine love means never saying sorry the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life right love means saying sorry because the people you love the most are most likely the people now you'll probably maybe even hurt the most because the closer you are to someone the greater chance that you will step on their toes okay and so you say sorry so thank God we've got a great marriage in fact I'll leave you with one story the morning after our wedding we met a stranger on the street and he said I'm sorry I wasn't at your wedding last night well I was happy I had no clue who he was but you know what do you say to him I'm glad you weren't there oh well sorry you couldn't make it he said but I'd really like to give you a gift I said okay oh oh really sorry you couldn't make it I want to give you some advice mm-hmm talk is cheap okay what's your advice he said never go to bed on an argument always make sure that you go to bed with peace right and we thought I was cynic we two lovebirds flying down the street the morning after our wedding and he tells us never to fight beyond the night make peace and never go to sleep without peace all right well that night I think we argued about who that guy was and who didn't invite him but I want you to know married for over 36 years not the same woman I'm just joking right married over 36 years we have a rule right we never go to bed without making sure there's peace if there's some harsh feelings some mistake whatever it is we would make sure that we don't go to bed without having peace and I haven't slept in 36 years thank you very much Shalom you