hello and welcome back to the cancelled podcast i'm like do you see her see there she is y'all yeah squash the rumors i am not yet kicked off the cancelled podcast dude so first of all i was just in europe and a couple days ago i shot an episode with page and amari and i said everything that i'm about to re-say again but then obviously i flew home and i was like why am i gonna put out another episode That's just going to like fuel these rumors more and like get a bunch more hate. And I think we're really beefing. I mean, obviously, that just comes with this whole thing, you know, that people think a bunch of that's untrue. But this is definitely one of the heights of that in my entire life, like just opening my whole phone and every single thing I read about me, you and us in this podcast, just being like the furthest possible thing from the truth. And I can like re-say all of that.
I mean, I was going to just post that episode, but I felt like talking about it with Paige was kind of like going to cause the same problem as it did last week. Yeah, we've had a little bit of issues with Paige. Like, Paige is getting really badly bullied.
It's really frustrating to me because it's like, I thought in the previous episode that I made what I was saying abundantly clear, but, and not to go like all third-person narcissist on you, when has Tana Mongeau ever said anything and made it abundantly clear? didn't it didn't get misconstrued and people completely understood to her point and yada yada like i fear i make some bad points sometimes too hey um but all i was trying to say in that episode was i'm giving brooke the week like i want brooke to have the week obviously so then page subbed in for that episode and all of the fucking comments are we want brooke you're replacing brooke you just jumped ship so fast yada yada yada and it was literally just one episode Yeah, wait, and I also want to be clear. It wasn't like a, like, because the way it sounded was almost like, like, Brooke needs a second, like, or needs a week. Like, I just wanted to really, like, intake the situation and understand what was happening. And it just didn't feel, like, appropriate for me to sit down on the couch so soon.
I said this in the episode that we shot, and I'll probably keep referencing that, but I'm just, like, reiterating how I've been feeling. And. Call me the fucking villain for saying this, okay?
Like, people might not like what I'm going to say right now, but I think that the situation was very much damned if you do, damned if you don't. Like, if you and I sat down and filmed an episode and it went out and we were just on the couch talking about anything at all, Yeah, I think it would have been really distasteful. so angry at that. So then it's like you film with Paige and people are mad.
Like it was just one of those where I felt like it's like. Yeah, and we should clarify beforehand. Like Tana and I, obviously, we were communicating about it. And I told her, I'm like, listen, I understand.
You need to say that what I said was wrong. Of course, because it was. It was so wrong. And I even said in it, like I'm not coming at this from a holier than thou perspective. Yeah.
Like I don't, I'm not sitting here with the gavel saying like, you know what I mean? Like that I get to condemn anyone. But it's like, I don't know.
People just took it that way. I'm. I know it was just honestly a lot it was a lot of people coming from a lot of different directions rightfully so but I I did like it's a frustrating feeling to feel like so misunderstood especially like our dynamic I just want to say no one's getting fucking canceled off the canceled podcast and I have said this and will always say this I truly believe that this podcast has amassed the success that it amassed because of our dynamic that and forgive me it's not a word word police but Our dynamic is irrecreatable and I am not a word and I'm so fucking but there is a word for that so we gotta find it and we could you know but I just think it's irrecreatable I think it's irreplaceable wait irreplace yes but like I couldn't it couldn't be recreated with any other two people okay and I'm so well aware of how special that is and what you and I have been through together on and off camera on and off stage just in life in general I think most people would fucking blow up in flames and I think we have somehow come out of it with the strongest trauma bond sister bond money can buy and I wish so badly that people didn't do what they do to our relationship online because it is very highly damaging it's hard to read a million things that aren't true about how like the you know what i mean but weird to it's so strange because you almost start to intake it and it like starts to become true because it's like the if i'm reading a thousand comments that say like tana hates brooke all of a sudden i'm like oh my god tana hates brooke yeah and it's like it's just it's not it's just not now it's not natural this isn't something that like yeah it's not that i'm bitching about it because it comes with fame it comes with money it comes with this shit i'm not i understand that but i can also recognize that sometimes that is emotionally you incredibly difficult to handle yeah and yeah it was just one episode and then I had to fuck off for a second like and I'm really sorry shit's late but I it was that or the ward folks I feel bad that I kind of dragged you back into it because obviously you've done your whole I mean you've come back from like all of your skin and cancellations and stuff and I feel like I kind of like I made apology videos for my apology videos and I I did I did that too and I am fine with doing that for the rest of my life I for everything I have ever said or done wrong I have apologized for and like will continue to so there's no blame towards you like those are still my actions it's just like right I don't know I just I mean obviously I appreciate everyone who's holding me accountable I like I know how horrible it was you know what I mean like and I knew how horrible it was even before it you know blew up in my face but I mean obviously it's like a just shitty situation and I felt bad that so many people were hurt by it but also like like it like you know what like I needed to be held accountable and obviously I'm how do I say this well I guess what I'm wanting to say is like I'm fucking proud of you I think that you like stood at the forefront of all of this and you are willing to continue to and you understand that there will be a lot of people that won't forgive you but you also will never stop trying and yeah I appreciate that I did I spoke about it a little bit on TikTok but like there is like honestly a typical like PR formula obviously for this kind of situation I think this is being a more more human I just I like I did feel like really remorseful and like I it sucks that like you know I put out my first apology and it was like so hyper emotional and it was I pretty much said all the wrong things you know what I mean but it was like that was truly like my natural reaction and like everything that has come you know after that is just like how it's really happened for me but I don't know like it just it didn't make sense for me to just like ignore like I couldn't have ignored it because it was like Like, I feel so much shame over that already, and I have felt shame over that. And, like, these tweets aren't, like, something that's new to me.
I've known about them. You know what I mean? So it made me feel, like, just horrible. And I wanted to make sure that people knew.
And, like, of course I know, like, how much I've changed and how much, like, my thought processes, like, have changed since I've, you know, grown up and got away from, you know, Arizona and my family and stuff. And, like, I can't expect everybody else to know that. But I said this on the podcast with Paige.
Like I went to your apartment a couple weeks ago and there was a stack of books up to the size of my head on you continuing to want to do research. And I'm seeing all of the active things you're doing behind the scenes. So I know that.
And like I said in the last episode, the Brooke that I have known is not that person. But acknowledging that there's always more growth to be done is beautiful. And I think sometimes, too, there's like a lot of shame sometimes like to be ignorant.
Like sometimes people don't want to ask questions and stuff because they feel like it's like, oh, you're too old to not know this. But like I like obviously like there, you know, I was a Republican or whatever. Like I don't I didn't know anything about politics until I was like an adult.
You know what I mean? I didn't know anything about what I was talking about, but I wanted people to think I knew what I was talking about me every day. That's yeah. And that's the thing. It's like it comes down like to like a common theme on canceled anyways, just like my need for validation and attention and people to think I'm smart.
And you know what I mean? So like that was like kind of what it all stemmed from. And like I didn't just now start doing.
the work you know what I mean I've learned so much like in the time especially since I've been in LA because obviously like I'm ashamed that it took me that long and like I was like an adult when I really started to like open my like or understand everybody's different perspectives but I did and so you know that's just the honest truth well listen again I I feel like I have said all of this but I will always love you and I think that everything I've seen off camera I think that you are taking the proper steps and not trying to just flaunt it for TikTok and the podcast as well which I really respect and I'm excited to have you back on this couch and I think had we done it when I sat down with Paige that would have been a whole different Armageddon and I also just have a lot to say about the hate towards Paige and women in general on the internet right now in a second and my thoughts on that and some things things that I feel like I've learned in the past couple weeks that I don't necessarily think I was thinking about before all of this but I'm just happy to have you back on this couch and I'm happy to be back and I just want to like there's no I said this on TikTok also but like there's no definitive end like there's no like time when you just know everything that you know so obviously there's things like I'm going to continue learning down the line and I have learned and you know what I mean it's like there's always going to be more and I of course I'm doing it and again like like you said I don't want it to like to seem like I'm doing it because because I got caught or because I got canceled. Like I really, truly like I. I had like so many people who were so helpful to me and like explained their experiences like from their end and stuff and it was like it was eye opening it was like it was special and I like I don't know I do feel like there's a lot that I've learned from this situation and it makes me think very very differently.
And we are more than friends. We are friends. God damn it.
It's also just I was saying this to Paige as well but. even just on the level of hate that she received for sitting in on one episode on her character when like she is a good person and always has been and we have no she just has to show you know what i mean she just has to do what she has to do like it wasn't even but even like coming out or like she's like a fame monster like if she wanted the fucking fame she would have gotten year one like she's been working for me behind the scenes for years three years and anyone who knows her knows she's not that kind of page is the funniest smartest like person literally alive I love Paige so much She's never done a wrong thing in her life It was kind of frustrating too Because you know, it was like us against each other. Like people were kind of like trying to pin us against each other, like make it feel, seem like we didn't like each other.
I am, Paige and I are so close. Like I was also saying like, and I feel like I've been doing this a lot lately, but like think about when George and Mike and Logan have that huge fallout. No one's attacking people's looks.
No one's like coming at people's necks like that. Like it's just like, even the amount of shit, like Brooke, I opened my DMs one day and there were like a hundred DMs that were like. you kicked Brooke off the podcast, that's why you're fatter than she is. Or like, I'm going through my fucking For You page, and it's like, well, now that everyone's hating on Brooke, we can say we hate Slickback Buns. And it's like, this is not what the conversation is about, and this would never fucking happen if we were two men.
And like, even just seeing all the shit with the redhead bitch right now on TikTok, it's like, once... A proper take on someone's wrongdoing has gone viral or 10 proper takes. It invites everybody to do just whatever they want.
And it opens these doors for so much hate that no longer has anything to do with what the real conversation was about. And it's so many people like bandwagoning shit just to bandwagon shit. And it's like I've never had disdain for it.
I think I've been a part of that problem. Me too. Up until right now. So that's what I was just going to say.
I was like because I experienced. instead obviously with my clinton series because obviously i you know i do a 14 part series it gets like 200 million views and now there's tens of thousands of videos about how he's hideous and he has shark teeth they're like what like whatever it is but it's like it's horrible because it's like that's that wasn't the point and that wasn't the problem and it's like the shit like i had my take i still stand by those beliefs you Once everyone else has had, there's been a viral take or ten about it, like, there's just a point where I'm just like, even with like the Blake Lively shit, it's like, Blake Lively's obviously wrong as fuck. Like, I like your bump, I like your bump, that shit made me need a bump. Like, that shit was so f***ing- Fucking awful. Sorry, bad cocaine joke.
Kidding. Not on cocaine. I didn't get it. I didn't get it at first.
Did you see it? Wait, wait. It was just a joke.
But, like, it's, like, eventually Blake is either going to see these takes or not. And, like. just the way society isn't moving on with like hate to women as of late. I know, but I also don't want to make it like we are the victims because, well, especially in this episode.
I know, but I'm just, just, just to be clear. Yeah. I know that I am not the victim in this situation.
I'm not saying that. I'm really not saying that. I think I just, but it is, you know, things happen differently for men than they do for women.
I just don't want to be a part of a bigger problem. Well, we, we have been a part of bigger problems. So that's a conversation to have. We were being the accountability police. Yeah.
for like we were just really going high and mighty just canceling people left and right two wrongs don't make a right like I do still think all of those things are true in the episode with Paige I essentially said like this podcast reaches so many people to the point that I do want to recognize that and use it for better yeah and people took that and ran like no we just want to hear about your lives like don't become some woke podcast some this some that that's not what I'm saying I just just think they don't want to hear that from us but it is like we have like a cool opportunity because like we reach so many girls like I mean obviously more than just girls but young young girls gays and they's young and people and it's like with that level of influence like we should be trying to at least like do something right better and I know and not be bullies I think it's like expressing things that happen to you or commenting on some wrongdoing okay but I think that you're doing a great job and I think that's what we're trying to do and I think that's what we're In my opinion, we definitely teetered over the line, especially with the like Alyssa and Clinton shit. Yeah. And I want to dial it back a bit. And that was kind of my point in the Paige episode. And people took it as like, this is going to be the new CNN.
And obviously, that's not what I meant. It does bother me. And I, you know, like, who is it?
Brett Newstrom. He honestly had a good take about it. It's like, these girls just bully, bully, bully.
And it's like, I don't feel like, like anyone who actually watches Canceled, I don't think that that's what they would take from it. Because like, it really hasn't been. It's just like, you see like the viral. That's not the concept of the Canceled podcast. We don't just get on here and cancel people.
Yes, it has happened. a couple times lately and they've been big ones okay but that's not it's never been the nature of our show and it's not going to be in the future we're not like i don't think we're like just these mean girls but to your point i if someone does me like really fucking dirty or does me wrong i'm gonna talk about like you don't you know i have a microphone in front of me once a week i just think that there's like i know my character i know i'm not a fucking mean girl to anyone that i ever come across in my life ever but i can see how trying to be the cancellation police could be misconstrued as that and I again it's not that I'm changing the entire format of this show but I'm definitely going to dial it back and use it for a little more good and like be more mindful I think of lobbying hate I just also think like we have more potential than that like I don't think we have to like rely on that yeah come for people to have an entertaining show and I think that like that's something that we've learned and also maybe we do and like we like can say it sucks and we can go fuck ourselves we are not promising that we're never going to do that again because if somebody really does me dirty i am coming on here and i am doing exactly what i've done to others but i think i'm just maybe not like that serious though yeah not that serious there's something we said about weaponizing our audience too we have millions and millions of people who listen and it is like that's not the same as like talking shit with your friends you know what i mean it's not sometimes it feels that way and that's how we get ourselves in this trouble but like it does like i Like, I truly did feel bad about, like, the amount of hate that Alyssa Violet got. I actually, like, I did. And I told that to her because it's like, again. Again, once she sees the viral take, you can either choose to grow and learn from it or not.
Like, there's no point in just, that's the same exact way I feel about the ginger. Like, obviously, she's wrong. No, I don't think we're supposed to say ginger. Oh. But.
Ken, you're excited? Well, I think Grace O'Malley said ginger is, like, offensive. Rats. redhead yes she's a redhead it's just like again she obviously sees all of the like takes and she can either learn from that and her wrongs like i'm just i don't want to keep being a part of the problem of seeing like beating shit into the ground that's just hating on women when i'm like all for not doing that yeah like it there's just like we you know we have to take accountability like we have been doing that that's what i'm saying yeah i think that's one of the most valuable lessons i've learned recently that I just want to be a little more careful with this platform.
To be honest, I feel like I got like a little bit too confident there for a second. You know what I mean? Like I feel like I was kind of on this like, I mean, you know what I talk about all the time, like validation as currency. And like when I put out that Clinton series and it was like such an like a massive amount of support and validation and attention, I got like. You know, my head got big and all of a sudden I felt like I could just fucking, you know, I could talk shit about Alyssa.
I could do this. I can do this. And like, I just got like this confidence that I didn't have before.
And I needed to reel it back a bit. Well, that's the... I needed a humbling and I got one. That's the internet telltale story's biggest time.
When the pendulum swings so far that way, it almost always swings back the other way. Yeah. And that's why I've always said you can't place... your validation in too much of the good or too much of the bad and I know it's just it's something I've struggled with always it's like it's something like I really am actively like working to reframe in my like in my mind but it's it's always always always been the theme of my life like attention and validation is the only thing I do anything for and it's I that's so embarrassing to say out loud but it's it's the truth and that's how I've gotten myself into this this situation that's how I've gotten myself you know what I mean like all the every problem I've caused for myself has been stemmed from because of that and i want so badly to just place value in like things that matter and i mean i'm happy you're recognizing that and i believe you will put in the work on that my sweet carrie bradshaw i know she knows like it is and i'm re-watching sex in the city right now and it's like i am carrie like i can't shut the fuck up about about myself and whoever i'm dating and like i'm not like you know what i mean i just like there's aspects of my personality that like you guys don't like and i don't like either like but listen like everyone else who has something to say about your personality is also not sitting down being scrutinized for millions and don't take that too much to heart figure out what you don't like and work on it and grow and change lord knows i've had to do that 10 000 times yeah and it's hard well it's hard to explain to people because it's obviously this is a really unnatural situation but like i i explained this to page because obviously page has been like struggling because she's getting so much hate and obviously i like we've we've all dealt with that and like I told her it's like you can't read it and funny coming from me but like I compare it to like how how like confident are you like in your personality to sit down at a table full of people you've never met like you know you can slay that you know you can like make everybody laugh and you can entertain everybody and like it's fun and you have a good time but if you go and you sit down at a table full of people you feel like hate you your behavior is going to be completely different so when I read those things online and then I sit down here you I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of people who hate me.
And so that's where my person, you know what I mean? Like personality shifts. And so it's kind of shitty.
Cause then I'll watch an episode and I'm like, that's, that's literally not even who I am. Yeah. And I also like, I mean, it's hard. Cause it's like, people only know as much as you give them.
So it's like, how can I really be upset about feeling like misunderstood if I am not sharing like the things that matter. So like, I don't know I just I also think it takes years to like truly master not feeling much about what people who don't know you have to say about you and you and I were talking about that you were like I feel like you've had eight months of this really heavy microscope on you now like maybe a year and I'm like I had to do that eight times to and still this last round you this cancellation right here this round on TikTok still got to me like we're still like you're a human being at the end of the day and it's very hard to read that much about yourself but at the same time like I personally know that I have people around me who love me for me and know me for me and have for 10 years as do you and that's all that matters to me I don't want to pretend that didn't happen I I did you know what I mean like I did say those things I did grow up that way like And I'm glad we're out of there. You know what I mean? I'm glad I'm past it. And I missed you.
I'm happy to be back on the couch. I don't want anybody to think that I'm just pretending nothing happened. I will take accountability as long as I need to take accountability. And that is honestly forever.
You know what I mean? I'm never going to pretend that didn't happen. I appreciate it.
I really appreciate it. it sounds stupid but I do really appreciate everybody who's held me accountable because like there's something just there's like I learned a lot from that alone you know what I mean just like people sharing like why it was so wrong and stuff like even though I already have felt shame about it like reinforced it and it like you know i really i feel like i understand better now like i said growth is not just an overnight thing it is a lifelong thing and you are acknowledging that showing up to the forefront sitting back here and ready to continue to show your character your current true character and that can be appreciated yeah and it's not no one's getting canceled off of the canceled podcast god damn it yeah and we asked for me she said god damn Damn it. Rats.
I'll try again next week. I love you guys. I'm true. Like, I genuinely am so sorry to everybody who, like, was affected. Obviously, like, specifically, like, the tweets were targeted towards, like, black people.
And obviously, we have a lot of black girls who listen to Canceled. And I feel, like, really, like, sick over the fact that they think that that's my character. So, I just hope moving forward, like, you can see that's not who I am.
And I'll try to prove it forever. You know some crazy, just, like, random crazy shit that happened to me yesterday? What? And. And this feels like deja vu because it's like the exact same thing, but in a different font.
You're going to get a kick out of this one. So tomorrow I am going back to Vegas to play in yet another poker tournament. You are a rolling stone, my sister.
I got it. I got to secure my other career. I've never been so jealous of these fucking influencer fucks that just like bought houses in Vegas and are now making more money off gambling than being an influencer.
But are they making a lot of money from gambling? Yes. Steve will do it. Give me $25,000. the other night like just randomly like steve will do it walks up to you twenty five thousand dollars and goes thanks for being friends with my girlfriend i love you like it is like that disposable of currency to all of these influencers that are like traumatizing no makoa had to give a social like we had to cash it out like that like it was nuts i was like what like that is insane and that's my hometown i want to go back home like you know what i mean i don't know whatever yeah not yet i know but So last time we talked about my mother, we were in a similar situation, right?
She, my birth mother, she showed up to my poker tournament in Las Vegas, right? And yesterday I land from my 18 hour flight home and I didn't have Wi-Fi the whole time. I slept the whole time.
I was just like exhausted. And I get off the plane and I open up a text from my friend Josie Canseco. And it is a screenshot of a FaceTime call on her phone. her father's phone and it is a screenshot of my birth father and she says is this your dad and i said well carry the four subtract the two i you know iraj now uh but i'm i i i classify myself as a stewart but i guess at one point i was that man's sperm you know sorry yeah why did you that i got weird like for no reason yeah it wasn't it was so unnecessary um but i was like Like, yeah, what's up?
And so Josie's dad, Jose, my best friend. Your best. Yeah. I love Jose. Hey, people, I love them.
Go back and watch the video if you know, you know. Jose was playing in a poker tournament in Vegas, like at a random casino. And he somehow gets seated next to my father.
Wait, haven't you told, is this, this just happened? This just, this isn't. Didn't something really similar, like your mom sat next to somebody? No, something identical happened with Ari's family, but I'll. Oh, okay.
we can circle back to there and Jose's sitting there and my dad is just on a tangent about how much he fucking hates me. Oh, and about how. Tana Mongeau's his daughter and she's famous and everything she says is a lie blah blah blah yada yada yada and Jose's like wait I know her like you know what like that's that's my kid's like yeah great friend I've spent more thanksgivings in the last 10 years with Jose Canseco than Richard Mongeau okay yeah and so Jose facetimes Josie to get her to like watch this happen and Josie gets on the phone and my dad is like turning and he's like fuck tana yada yada yada and josie can say go cuss is out my father that's that's i love josie for that hangs up on him with like where the fuck do you get off like you're just gonna sit there and talk shit about me to jose who like loves me really like so bold do you think he knew that jose knew you or no do you think he's seen the i hate people i love them video i don't know if i had to guess he probably still has a flip phone so no But he obviously probably knows who Jose is and like maybe knows he has a daughter and like maybe knows we're friends. I mean, I really I really don't know. But and I was just writing about this in my book a lot so I can like get into it.
I will get into it eventually. But my dad was just the type of person growing up who would tell like the checkout clerk his entire life story for like narcissistic validation and then like go home and like beat my mom. Right.
Oh, it just doesn't surprise me that he's like to this day going around like strangers like. And his whole shtick, I guess, is like that I lied. And I'm like, dude, where the fuck would I get off lying, saying that like I grew up in like a shitty household with like cockroaches and horrible parents? Like I would almost rather have just lied saying I had a great childhood and like never opened the can of worms for myself. Tana, I need to know what that is.
I almost feel like it's like. Like they feel absent because I have the same situation where my mom will be like what trauma like what are you even talking about and I'm like what do you mean? It's just extreme narcissism. It's extreme like to the fullest. It's like they blacked out or something and like don't remember like it's so frustrating to me too.
And he was saying like she said we're crackheads and I never that was never my shtick okay that was your shtick. That's my shtick. Like I just said that they were abusive bad people they were they are they sued me it's all in the fucking duh no shit where would I get like And why would I have at 13 or 14 been taken in by Amari's family who like vouches for that? If I had like a stable, perfect home, like where the fuck would I get off lying about that? And it's so crazy.
For what benefit? You know what I mean? Because I'm I sit here now and I'm thinking about the thousands of strangers in Las Vegas, Nevada, who have like heard this story from him.
And probably believe it. Yeah. And it's just like, can you fucking croak already? OK, that's a little.
And I really mean it. And I know that that's like a crazy thing to say, but it's like, how are you still doing this? How frustrating.
Ew, I'm sorry. And it's just, it's like in what crossover world would Josie be cussing out my birth father on FaceTime? No, it's like, like slay Josie.
It's just like one second. She's walking, walking the Victoria's Secret fashion show. And the next minute she has my fucking back.
Like I appreciate it so much, but it's, and it's so crazy because I love going home to Vegas, but it's like. I hate knowing these little gremlins. They're just crawling around.
Yeah. And like won't stop. And it's like, I don't know. I guess as of late, apparently my mother like left my father.
Like he's like, I hope so. You know, whatever. And that's like, I guess good for her. It's hard to do. Like even I mean, bad, you know, people aside, like it's, you know, that's a hard situation.
It's just I don't know. Obviously, the abuse was just tenfold. I am kind of like waiting for the book to really air it all the fuck out. Like. Just because it's so much.
I'd be on this couch for literally ever like discussing the details of my childhood but to just be roaming around saying that I've like lied about it all is like so infuriating to me and this happened before with Ari's family like Ari's uncle or aunt I forget was sitting at a poker table my dad was doing the same thing and they were like wait my like nephew is best friends with her and lives with her at the time. Yeah. And and then my dad like went on this whole tangent was cussing them out, like knowing it's been like and that was probably like four years ago, like knowing that it's just like it's just still that's his whole that's his that's his elevator pitch. Yeah, like that's so fucking insane to me.
And I just what a crossover episode. I'm about to see Jose on Saturday and I'll get more. I can't wait to hear more.
I'm having a similar situation kind of going on because I had to obviously unblock my mother. In order to tell her to stop fucking commenting on people's TikToks. Okay? And... They should just start a small group.
They could honestly get a couch. They could do exactly what we do. Well, you know what's crazy, Tana? She accuses me of, like, of making up trauma to, like, match you.
She says, I know you want to be like Tana so bad, but, like, you're just making things up. And I'm like, if... bless your heart but i am sparing so so many details so much information it's literally that's like that's the gag i'm like if everything i've ever said about my parents online and i mean this sorry to cut you off i mean this so fucking hard genuinely i mean this with everything take my blood i put this on amari's life like i put this on everyone i love everyone i love's life Everything I've ever said about my child and my parents online is 1% of who they are and what happened to me.
Yeah. Like that's, it's so fucking infuriating. And that's why I'm saying what I'm saying where it's like almost like they blacked out. Of course, my mom was literally on crystal meth the whole time.
So it's like. shocking she doesn't fucking remember it but it's so infuriating because she's bad she her favorite thing to say is like you're making up all this trauma and i'm like i if anything i am sparing you so much it's like you know how jeanette mccurdy like her whole i haven't actually read her book but i've seen her amazing and she talks about how like there was a lot that she felt ashamed to say while her mom was still alive because it's like obviously like like i i still love my mom and stuff and like there i don't want to you know like if i told the truth like it would would be crazy you know what i mean but it's so frustrating to be in a text thread with only me and try to convince me that i'm making things 100 it's oh my god it like literally infuriates me so bad and she her favorite i don't know i don't i didn't want to unblock her i don't want to be in contact with my mom at all but she was going you know of course she's but you gotta just let them at this point you know what i mean like same with that shit like i'll see jose and we'll laugh about it and it just like is what it is i really do word to jeanette mccurdy i don't know if i've we probably talked about this before but I just appreciate her book title and her opening that door to being raised by like true abusive narcissists and being happy when they died because I'm just sitting here watching this like still cause trauma and turmoil like no like for my life and I'm just like yeah I just like what a horrible man who was never once how do you not feel sorry for abusing like your little daughter like that's so sad because they'll convince themselves it's not true and it never happened like I don't know my my mom was an abusive well she was abusive honestly everyone but me me but um i was the only one who didn't get hit i don't know why um go off queen but i like i mean obviously there was just there's so much to it and like i want to spare like i love her and i like it's a really like like it's a struggle i have and that's how i feel like i keep ending up in these like really emotionally abusive like situations or relationships and stuff because it's like that's what i've known always and like you know breaking that cycle was the hardest thing it's hard to block her and like my sister and i like megan this is my one of my sisters has had my mom blocked for years she has two kids my mom's never met either of her kids and like she reached out to me and she was like really helpful because it's like she's like of course it's hard to do and you feel so guilty and like you feel horrible but it's like at what point is it like I don't want to be a victim of this anymore I'm I'm about to be 28 and the sad thing is is like that's genuinely why I think Jeanette said that because it's like here I am I haven't spoken to this man since we were in court and even before that we hadn't spoken for five years like fucking I don't at all really before that unless I was victim to just like abuse that I wasn't warranting you know what I mean like I wanted away as soon as possible and it's still causing me turmoil like so long as he's alive it will cause me turmoil and like that is such a sad thing to say it's just not fair because we didn't choose to get born like I remember being ten and saying I had this conversation today like I didn't choose to be born and it's like now I have this like huge responsibility to parent somebody who didn't parent me no And it's just like, I feel like it's just so frustrating. And like, I don't know the greed.
Like that's what it is for me. It's like, I just, I feel this, like, like there's a sense of entitlement and greed, like that I don't understand. And it's like, I like for what, what did you ever do to deserve what I've earned for myself?
They think because they gave birth to you, that you are an extension of them. And they are entitled to that because of how sick they are regardless. of whatever they endured.
And I think there is something to be said as well. My dad's about to be 80. I'm like, please, soon, hopefully. Isn't that crazy?
You do have like older parents. That he grew up in a generation where it was like kids could be so abused and they were still just... They were still in, like, they were owing their parents regardless.
And so maybe that, like, generational gap. It is, yeah. I mean, it's trickier when somebody's a little bit old.
Like, yeah. All I know is if I ever bring a child into this world one day, I will do everything in my power to make them feel loved, seen, and heard, and taken care of. It's kind of special, though. Like, I literally was just having this conversation, but it's, like, it's exciting that we get to, like, make our own families.
Mm-hmm. 100%. And we can't. And my clock's ticking. I don't know.
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So take out your phone, open the SeatGeek app, and add code CANCELED10 to your account. What are you waiting for? Do it now because this offer is only available for a limited time. thank you Siki for sponsoring today's episode of the cancelled podcast so I obviously just got back from Europe and how was it it was really amazing I mean I always say this about Makoa but like getting to show him things that I've seen or see things through his eyes like you know what I mean like I could even cry thinking about him seeing the Eiffel Tower like light up for the first time like looking at it like yeah that's through his eyes like being in all these beautiful places that I've been so lucky enough to have been was definitely the highlight and beautiful and last year at this exact time Paige and Ty and I were in the exact same places and we kind of spent the whole year saying like one year from those dates like we'll be back in Europe together and like we got to do that and kind of create new memories and places that we loved a year ago and that's why we stayed out there that's the thing is it's like I'm getting all these comments like come home now film now and I'm like dude I've been preying on this trip for 365 fucking days and like I mean I talked about it in the Leah episode like where I was talking to Leah and you were with Bebe but like my mental health has been and is in arguably one of the worst states of my entire life yeah and the way I deal with that is very scary Tina was definitely quite unlocked and you You know I knew that I wanted to drink for my birthday and then I even was saying on my birthday like I'll probably drink here and there until you're up and in Europe and then stop when I'm home and I think that was a beautiful plan. I was not accounting for all of the things that would then go down and then when you're already drinking and shit's just going down and you're stressed and you want to fucking die it's hard because that's a coping mechanism I've always always leaned on.
and yeah in a perfect world I probably would be at Passages Malibu and I think I was doing really well with being pretty moderate until and I'm not like blaming anything on that like I that's just myself and my chemical makeup just like as my mental health declined I noticed myself falling into the same coping mechanism that I have and always will love which is substance abuse. I'm definitely in a place right now where I want to kick that. but I'm always in that fucking place, you know?
I know, but listen, you've done it before, and you can do it again. It's like it's a cyclical thing. It's not like you haven't like ruined it forever. You had a little stint, and then you can fix it.
And I think all about a sobriety journey and a journey with a healthy relationship with alcohol is giving yourself grace and knowing that every single day is a new day. I think that just even being on this trip that I so badly wanted to be on and being with the love of my life and getting to, you know, I'm... experience all those things at the same time I do feel like I'm like walking with this little dark cloud over me and I hope to not be I do hope that life eases up and I've been saying this now for three months and maybe it never will and maybe I just have to learn how to navigate a very high stress lifestyle where I feel like a lot of people expect a lot of things from me when I have nothing to give but I don't know I think you're doing just fine I'm proud of you I don't think I mean listen it's fucking hard like it's it's so hard and there's people who can never ever stop and you've done it and you've been like you know what I mean you were sober for so long.
I'm happy to like recognize all of my patterns and obviously I'll learn more every day but like understand who I am psychologically at a young age. I was talking about this with Trevi last night like some people don't hit the brick walls I've hit until they're 50 and they've ruined their kids lives and they're you you know whatever whatever it is grateful for that you told me that it's like some people don't come with the self-awareness pack yeah and I have it cripplingly but it's a good it's a good thing because you I you know what's wrong and that's like you know what I mean like that's the first step in it is admitting you have a problem for sure they say and I'm doing my best now I mean with everything coming up and I think it's going to be really special I think it's going to be really cool for us and I think there's a lot of good things coming you know what I always say is when I'll bunch of horrible things happen in a row it's Always followed by like a bunch of really really amazing things. It's not even horrible things happening. Like I think so many good things are happening. Again it's just harder to see them when you're like in the rain.
It's just your mental like it's yeah you feel. And I was saying this to my managers. I was like my dream world right now would be to go into a dark room for three months.
And be off my phone entirely. Have no obligations. And like heal and breathe and sleep.
And not owe anyone. but myself anything. And I said this in the last episode I filmed with Paige as well. It's very different because any other time I felt like this in my life, my main source of income or where I was posting content or where the people wanted me to show up was my own YouTube.
channel right with no fucking schedule sometimes I would upload fucking daily and sometimes I would upload once a week so when I was in a bad mental state at those times I could just take the four month break and I would always say I hate people be like where are you where were you and I'd be like you don't want to make videos when you're not yeah I hate sitting down in front of a camera and pretending anything and just pretending point link so to have this obligation of a weekly show and touring and that has nothing to do to do with you I'm just saying just you know it is what it is is very hard to like show up when I don't feel like I have the show up in me and I'm doing my best to navigate it you know yeah I'm I don't know I understand that I'm the same way where it's like you feel not not that we feel tight this is like my I'm most grateful in life literally for the canceled podcast but I get what you're saying when like sometimes it's like you have to film and like that's just not that's how you have a bad episode or that's how like you know what i mean like sometimes i'll come on here and i'll have the shittiest personality ever because i'm having a shitty day and like and i'm you know i'm just mentally unstable so but i'm so much better i'm on mood stabilizers i think i'm just yeah i'm emotionally drained very emotionally drained not workload drained but just yeah you need something to fill up your cup again which But it's not alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny that that's like a fun, like fill up your cup, you know? Yeah.
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I want to always validate your experience. But I don't think you had bed bugs. Well, here's the thing. Neither did I, right?
I woke up covered in a bunch of red dons. And I thought it was hives. That was my OG thought.
I was like, I am so fucking stressed right now and, you know, just battery on zero that I'm covered in hives. And so I'm itching them. and I'm like looking up hives and I'm like, oh, I have hives, whatever.
Right. And then someone makes it known to me that the number one bed bug outbreak in the entire world was in Paris. So bad that they had to shut down the airports. The airports. Because people were bringing them home.
Uh-huh. I think they're downstairs. And you'll find out, I guess. Then they're just too itchy and they're not hives because hives would be more all over.
And like, obviously, like I learned a little more about how hives work. And I'm like, these are bug bites. So then I'm looking up mosquito bites versus bed bug bites. Mosquito bites, they're clear.
They're more the size of a penny. Okay. And bed bug bites are like little red Sharpie dots. And here I am in little red Sharpie dots. In Paris.
In Paris. The bed bug capital of the world. Thank you. Thank you. Makoa has a few.
But then I'm on Google and I'm like, can you sleep in a bed next to someone and you be covered in bed bug bites? And they're not. I find out that not only bed bugs, but mosquitoes as well feed on type O blood.
I know that's why I don't get bit. I think I'm AB. Woo! I have type O blood!
Wait, aren't you O negative too? I don't know all that. No, I think you are. I think you're O negative, which is like, wait. I don't know if I'm being, I don't know.
It's been a while since I've been in school, but that's the universal blood donor. Amari's that too. Yes. And it's really special because you can donate blood to anybody and their body won't reject it. Well, anyone can have mine.
You would be really, really valuable at the blood bank and they're in a shortage. They call me every day. Well, they might get some bed bug venom, but I'm more than happy to do that. You know, they stopped letting me donate.
Why? An array of reasons. Okay. Well, we can unpack that. But so here's the thing.
So I'm laying next to Makoa, typo blood, and they are feeding on me like a sushi boat. And he has a few. I then call my friend Hunter, who has done a lot of world travels.
He tells me about a time that he was in Barcelona, laying in bed next to someone, and he woke up covered in bed bug bites, and the person next to him didn't. He also enlightens me that he as well has typo blood. Oh no.
So then I'm like, awesome. And I don't know how to say this without, I'm just gonna fucking say it, okay? I'm staying at the nicest hotel in Paris. It has been my dream my entire life to stay there. If you ever told the fucking bitch with the dirty door making YouTube videos that she could fucking stay there for one fucking night, she would fucking die and pass out, you know?
And I just, I'm more so, I'm thinking about all the places I've stayed in my life. I'm thinking about the Luxor Las Vegas. I'm thinking about house. I'm thinking about my own houses.
Okay, that was no shade to house. There's just some vermin that come in and out of there, you know. Think about house.
Think about my old house, you know, where when Noah Cyrus bought me those big flowers and then the house was covered in fruit flies. Oh, never forget. Fruit flies, no, you had an infestation that you had to move out. So you're telling me that at the nicest hotel I've ever stayed at in my entire life, that is where there's going to be bed bugs. I then find out that the protocol for bed bugs is to throw out everything you own.
You have me so motherfucking fucked up. They are coming home with me and renting the room next to me before I'm throwing, like, the bed bugs can wear my Miu Miu crop tops. Like, I'm not throwing out all my shit.
Then you can wash it all on hot, but that just ruins it all. Yada, yada, yada, right? So, Tina calls the hotel staff. And I have them come to my room.
Yeah, I heard about this encounter. And... I'm deaf. I'm covered in these bites. And you can't scratch them as well because it can release the venom.
And if you're already allergic enough to the venom to have all the red bites and like be feeling all the itch and whatever, you can go into anaphylactic shock. So now I have Amari's EpiPen ready. That would be a bummer. Such a fucking bummer.
Does he bring his EpiPen? Oh, he should. Of course he should. Yeah.
And so then they're taking off all the sheets and they're ironing. the sheets because that's how bed bugs come and you should have seen me brooke i didn't believe them i was like they're gonna try to gaslight me obviously into telling me their hotel doesn't have bed bugs so i heat up my curling iron and my flat iron and i'm beside them at the edge of the bed just just really making sure on my behalf okay and eventually they tell me like yeah you were clearly bitten by something that isn't a mosquito we don't know we don't think there are bed bugs here they wash all my beds they send a parisian doctor to my hotel room honestly that's service that's good service this man shows up in an adidas t-shirt with a cross earring hi and i'm not he's educated he's okay but then i'm going to show you we don't judge here he looks at me actually do judge a lot here and we're working on that um he looks at my bites he goes bed bugs really and then he takes a dirty bottle out of his pocket i have a photo I'm happy to insert it. Why does it look like that?
And says, take this. No. What the fuck is that? What the literal fuck is that? Yeah, no, not take this.
And it's just this white pill. There's no like markings on it. I'm like, I can't even pill report this shit.
OK. Yeah. And you're you have like major med anxiety, which is weird thinking about like the street perks I've taken in my life.
Yeah. They don't go hand in hand. It is. But sometimes you're just not consistent. That's fine.
And 100 percent. So he gives me that. I call my doctor.
My doctor like essentially calls in some fucking hydrocortisone cream for me. So now instead of like having fun Parisian sex with Makoa, he's like putting hydrocortisone all over me, which is super hot. After they cleaned the bed, it kind of went away.
Then we went to the sex toy store and I got a bunch of whips and chains and I decided that I'll show the bed bugs I bite back. Now I'm home and I think there's bed bugs in my room, but I don't know. Well, there's no way I could have predicted that ending.
You bite back was crazy. That was criminal and you should get in trouble for it. I know. When I started on the internet, an online store was the furthest thing from my mind. Now I'm working on launching a merch store and sharing some new merch with you.
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They didn't. I was going to go on a whole tangent. But TSA almost stole from me.
Okay, is that enough to go on a tangent? They didn't steal from me. I bought this Louis Vuitton dog collar for Winnie to bring home from Paris. And I had them wrap it in like gift wrap to open it up, duh, like when I got back here. And when we got back.
The box was empty and so then I'm like where the fuck is this dog collar like there's no way some TSA agent somewhere is yelling shoes off with my Louis Vuitton dog collar on and it was like essentially unwrapped and then the dog collar was in my opposite suitcase that it was never in so I think that a TSA agent essentially like opened my shit up like thinking it was like a fun wallet and then they were like eh and like almost stole from me. Sometimes they do open your stuff though. But just how did it end up in the opposing suitcase?
British Airways or TSA I'm not actually sure who I'm mad at I'm never sure who I'm mad at well I mentioned earlier that I'm on new medication um it's making me really stupid well I'm stupid so that can work no so when I was younger I had like horrible migraines and I took a uh medication called topamyrate or topamax people call it dopamax because it makes you stupid and it's an anticonvulsant so like a seizure medication But it's really helpful for migraines, but it also makes all your hair fall out. Doesn't matter. I was on that and I had to get off because I was one time I literally drove away.
Did you look like Mr. Clean? No. Luckily, I didn't have the side effect, but I did have the side effect of being an absolute idiot.
And I drove my car away from the gas station with the pump still inside and I dragged it down the street. OK, so then I was like, you know what? I have to get off of Dopamax. All right. And my new mood stabilizers, which I got on as a gift to you.
he's real i know he's real he answers some of my no i'm it was something i needed because listen well butrant obviously i have a lot of emotions okay and i'm very very emotional but you're like if the inside out characters like had a bunch of sex and there was like 70 of them okay um normally people describe it as like having like a ton of nerve endings like outside your body and everything affects you a lot more anyway i like that more yeah so you I well buterin helps only really one of my emotions which well actually two sad and anxious okay but those are two of 17 emotions that I have so it's like I gotta cover the rest All right. So I did get on a new mood stabilizer, but it is also an anticonvulsant. See, now I'm imagining all the inside out characters, but like Joy's barred out. Who said there should be one that's horny? Absolutely.
And addiction, just a big giant monster who wants. Addiction is not an emotion. At all.
Anyway, it's making me really stupid and I can't spell. I remember the other day I spelt like owl or something and I spelt like I put like A-W-O-L. And I was like.
What's going on and I've been stumbling over my words and like stuttering and like I just have been having a hard time like articulating my thoughts And i'm worried. I might have to get off of it and we might be back to square one we can have a smooth transition into a new friend no but it's i think they call it like titrate titrating like you it's like there's like a risk of developing like a really really crazy um rash that's like deadly if you take a high like dose right away so they have to titrate you like where i take like right for the first like weaning yes but like it's so serious and it says a day on it and you cannot get it wrong so i've like i've been taking one pill for 16 days and then now I'm taking two pills and then all the way like I until I get to the point where I'm like stable as fuck but you guys are not even ready for me to pop out stable as hell stable fuck those horses she is the stable yeah if it makes you feel any better um Tina I don't have split personality disorder by the way that's just me hammered I forgot my own phone number oh I remember it three one oh I remember it so Our two little brain cells can just rattle around like fucking walnuts. I got a new debit card and my last four digits are the last four digits of Clinton Cain's phone number.
I'm like checking if I have his phone number, ordering some new Miu Miu for the bed bugs. um you're gonna have to guess the rest and there's not much money in there these days i keep seeing all these things that you're dating rob from love island or that you dated rob from love island have you seen that i know and if you actually watch the vid like i almost got convinced me too so like it's kind of crazy because because i did i talked about him on the podcast like long before he was on love island i was like i met this guy because we sat next to him at the streaming okay so that is the same guy yes we sat next to rob from love island at the streaming but he wasn't from From Love Island. Yeah, he was just Rob from the snakes.
Yes. And you were saying he was a really sexy snake whisperer. Yes. So you were talking about him. Yes, but I knew at the time, in my head, I knew that one of my friends was seeing, or like had seen this guy named, or I didn't know his name, but he was a snake whisperer.
And I'm like, how many snake whisperers, like hot snake whisperers can there be? So in my head, I just, like, it was automatically, obviously this is him, so I can't talk to him. And I didn't.
But I posted that in my blog. I was like, there's a hot guy at our table. and then I talked about on the podcast and I said he was a um snake whisperer or whatever and then BB makes a video about how like her one of her friends dated Rob from Love Island which wasn't me yes okay and they earlier they had like a situationship or whatever but like everyone started thinking it was me and honestly I watched the video and I was like all of this checks out like honestly I'm convinced it's so wild to me that and I really only mean this about the man in here I go but like to think like Harry Jowsey had a life before too hot to handle or was just like roaming around like like it's so weird that we were in the vicinity of like Rob from Love Island but he was just robbed from the snakes but what was he doing at the streamies and he had a great seat so was he an influencer before yeah he was yeah he was he was doing snake content also what is that's another problem I had too is so I had just posted all these videos with these this snake that I found on the road and everyone was like she's clearly trying to get Rob's attention I'm like and you're like always wearing overalls too let's be so serious I grew up with reptiles I have a terrarium in my house at home I grew up with reptiles I did I had I had geckos I had I've it's Still at home, I have monitor lizards.
Like, I've always grown up with aquariums and a terrarium with reptiles. So I am a snake. Like, I love snakes. I was raised by two reptiles. My favorite teacher had a ball python that I would literally just hold my entire class.
I love snakes so much. I love snakes. But I was, like, really, like, offended that everyone's like, all she does is, like, try to get a guy's attention. I'm like, so true. I was thinking you were going to take them.
So true. But not this time. Rob is single, right? I don't know. I don't know him.
I've never met him. I like we sat across from each other at the stream. He didn't speak a word. I wonder what will come of this. I think he's single.
I've been like seeing a lot of shit. Like he's just he's doing the real L.A. reality star dating trope.
Right. Yeah. I read into Harry yesterday. He was really nice.
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What's going on in pop culture is it is all of these things that I don't know if I have anything to add to, like Blake Lively, the redhead. You know what? I have some insider information on Blake Lively, okay?
I have somebody who knows her really well that I was in a room with the other day. Mm-hmm. And she told me she was like, this was a long time coming. She's like this. She's one of the worst people I've ever met, which is so disappointing because I was such a gossip girl, like super fan.
Did you watch Gossip Girl? Of course. I was a super fan and I loved her so much.
But like looking back, there's no one who really has any good stories about her. But it really disappoints me because I really love her and Ryan as a couple. I think we have a new couple that we're supposed to love. I think it's interesting, like because I think that Gossip Girl was so amazing.
And maybe this is just like from someone. who loved it but everyone was like the way she played serena was so amazing but i guess what's coming to the forefront is she was more like typecast yeah like she said that in an interview she was like i'm not somebody who can cut like just go in she's not that type of actor she was like i can't go in and like become somebody new which is kind of crazy because that's like literally the job um but who am i to judge i that's so interesting i'm just i am disappointed because i just i like she's so funny and her and ryan like their like little relationship has always been like like i always like looked up up to it yeah like their speeches and shit were always very cute about each other and i'm surprised the swifties haven't saved her because you know yeah like they're the biggest biggest and strongest community in this entire world i've been seeing a lot of these takes lately on like how I don't know the way the internet and the culture is changing is that people value and favor relatability so much more than being like out of touch and it's like you're really gonna say Lorraine Schwartz is your comfort blanket like that it's just I didn't know what she said or I don't even know who Lorraine is. Diamonds. A diamond maker while she's doing interviews about a movie. I am relatable.
I'm like, who's Lorraine? Like, that's just. But also, like, why?
Why would they cast Blake for like this role in this very serious movie if she wasn't passionate about it and was like, like did anybody run the PR by her? No. So I read the book.
I loved the book. The book was amazing. Everybody else in that movie was so perfectly cast. Okay. Like Atlas, like Ryle, like everybody's perfectly cast.
But it was so distracting to me that it was Blake Lively as Lily that I like. literally I couldn't think of anything else the entire time so it was really interesting that they had chosen her but more so so she produced the movie and there were like two versions I guess like Justin Baldoni also had a version and his was like more serious and I think his approach was just more serious and it should have been serious well even seeing how he's like I saw a clip of him the other day going to a theater after the movie and the lights came on and he was like hey if you see anyone alone who's been affected by this like maybe go talk to them and like I don't know. It's just like.
I guess maybe she's just lucky enough to not have ever had. to experience something like that or had someone close to her experience something like that and like but but then why but it's your job like if you are involved in a project like that is your job to understand like the severity of that issue and it's been done right like that's the thing there's like so like big little lies for example have you seen it it's amazing but like there's no like you know like cutesy branding for big little lies like it's it's it was promoted as like kind of a dark show and it is a dark show but it has a lot of like domestic violence like that That's what you have to do. Like you can't. And she says, put on your florals and come see us in theaters.
I'm like, Blake? I saw this TikTok the other day where it was like, you know how in bathrooms they have those things of all the tabs that you can pull with phone numbers? Yeah. Like if you're in a domestically violent situation, like pull one of these tabs.
And it was someone going through all the stalls in a woman's bathroom and every single tab was taken. It's horrible. And again, it's something I've been very personally affected by in my life. So I'm very passionate about it.
But it's still like, how could you? ever be cast in that role and then not take that because she's a huge star seriously though that's the problem i feel like she just got this like ego i mean i mean i don't know her so like i like i don't want to you know again i don't want to contribute this take has been said a million times So I'm just like so over. Yeah.
Well, it does. It's probably just really frustrating. Like I've never experienced like domestic abuse, obviously.
But like I can't imagine if I had watching this all pan out and like the rollout of this movie in the press that they've been doing. I would have been infuriated because it's like, how can you make this such an unserious thing? Like a lighthearted, like cutesy thing.
Even the like, you know, the photo, like everything about it has just been done wrong. Yeah, I think until all of this, I definitely thought that it was just like, even the promo, like with my tears ricochet and everything, like I thought it was just like another like drama rom-com. Well, a lot of people thought it was like a cutesy, like romantic movie. Like I had read the book, so I knew how traumatizing it was.
But so I've read a lot of Colin Hoover books. But do you know that? of the drama with colleen so she wrote it ends with us and she got like a lot of backlash because she was putting out like it ends with us like coloring books and stuff like really it's like wait that's like not you know it's not really appropriate um but so she had she'd come forward and said like this is actually my mom's story like i wrote this like about my mom's experience this is someone told me this story so i hope i'm not getting things wrong but it came out that her parents have been and she was like one of my first memories of like in my life is like my dad's throwing a chair across the room at my mom and she's saying all this and like you know she's talking about her mom was like abused come to find out her parents have been separated since she was two years old she's never even like literally been in the same room as both of her parents so she just like made that up to save face for like for a fact made that up like there's i mean this is this story was told to me so i don't know if i'm like doing a game of telephone and telling it like wrong and that's dangerous i do that sometimes but if that's like I think there's just been like a lot of controversy like around her in general because it's like what you can't make a cutesy cutesy like hee hee about a domestic violence like a serious domestic violence I guess I'm just I don't know enough of Colleen Hoover's lore I can't read a fiction book if I tried I read literally every book she wrote and I was a I was a fan like a big fan of hers but that I don't that doesn't sit right with me did you know that Olivia Ponton is in the movie I was hearing that I might go like after all of this I honestly want to go see it I think it was I thought it was well made like I liked the movie I if Blake wasn't in no shade of like I like love to see Blake and other things but she wasn't supposed to be lowly and now I just want to see her and but it's it is enough to see Ryle and Atlas just stare at them oh my god it's really crazy that the film was correct me if I'm wrong I haven't seen it here I go talking about a movie I literally haven't seen but you watch it from the woman's perspective where you're questioning like oh did did he do these abusive things and then in the end you You see it from his perspective. Right. And you know that he did those things like the scene where.
No. She's grabbing the hot pan. And then he. Well, I think she like was, you know, it's it's common. It's like you try to convince yourself that it's an accident or like, you know.
Yeah. You believe what they're saying. But then the ending shows that it all wasn't an accident. Well, she just comes to terms with like, this is what's been happening. You know what I mean?
But I don't think she ever doubted it. I think she just chose to not believe it. But it's it's a beautiful book. Like, it's an amazing book, whether. like I mean obviously a lot of things have been done wrong but it's a really really like oh my god it ruined me you don't like fiction books that's so interesting to me i can only read fiction like i just prefer like even in this case i would rather read someone's real story from their perspective because it moves me because it's real like yeah i don't know i feel like but my like goal with reading is to like literally escape life that's why i like sci-fi and stuff so much because i like i want it to feel so far away from my world that i am literally no longer i'm so the opposite like i cannot even get into it if it's not like an autobiography really like i'm i'm so into uh Sarah J Maas right now she writes like all the like she wrote the ACOTAR series you don't know well it doesn't matter but it's all like sci-fi and it's like very like it's like mystical like none of it's real miss me with that motherfucking wizards and warlock shit no I love it because it's so unreal it's like Harry Potter like you know what I mean it's like it's something you can't don't gag at Harry Potter you're like why am I gagging at Harry Potter that is on me we've had this conversation on this couch before I that's so on me like I wish I could I wish I had the attention span I wish I had the joy for I used you know it's crazy sorry I just completely know you're right do I I loved Harry Potter me and me and my grandma went to see every single Harry Potter in theaters and it was like my favorite thing and I was so young that now I could re-watch it and it was it's like I've never seen it before I think that when I have a kid I'll you know but then that's the most exciting page and I talked about this like so like I don't maybe I'll just shut up they will have like honestly what's crazy is Harry Potter was a long time ago they will have remade Harry Potter probably like within our lifetime don't you think with daniel radcliffe no so it's like milo manheim we're done we're done i don't i don't need any i'll watch it fucking um honestly it would be a good harry potter um but they will redo it if you think about it like so what was i talking about today a movie oh twisters i didn't realize that twisters was a remake i didn't that's you know same with thanksgiving i didn't know that Oh, I didn't know.
Well, I didn't. I went to the premiere. Actually, I went to the premiere for both of those.
But outside the Twisters premiere, there were PETA was protesting outside and I was like, what's going on? But it's because in the original Twisters, there were cows flying around. Real cows? Yes. I mean, not like no, but like like it was depicted in the film.
But like there were no cows harmed in the making of the new Twisters. And I did love it. So there were.
Okay, I know nothing about this, so I don't even know why I'm like, so there were cows harmed in the OG. I don't know what we're talking about. No, like, you know, like, there's like an image that we have of tornadoes, like, and we picture a little, like, cows flying around, right?
I picture, like, old ladies. What? When I think tornado, I think of, like, an old woman flying in, like, a twin bed. Have you seen that amazing video of that woman who, like, I don't want to call it amazing because it wasn't, like, an amazing video.
But, well, yeah, it was. she her house had just been destroyed i don't know if it was a hurricane or a tornado and it was like nothing but rubble but she'd been standing there for days like or she'd been looking for her dog for days and the news was covering it and literally as they were talking to her they hear the dog and she pulls it out of the rubble i have seen that actually it is the most i'm on hope core tiktok forever kills me i just want to not cry at tiktok for one day but i never will you I do cry lots at TikTok. My boobs are healing nicely.
I can lay straight on my stomach. Can you? They are no longer, I think that they're no longer looking like they're bolted to my chest. They still have a ways to drop, but they're like starting to move a bit. I am so in love with your tits.
in the straightest possible way i really love them that i put on a bombshell bra today i was like i can't even sit next to them with whatever the fuck i'm working with i you could like shoot me you could stab me in the tit right now and there's enough fucking padding to like stop that i you're safe and i love like you know and scream when carmen electro gets stabbed in the tit what scream is that that is like one of my boyfriends is in scream that's exactly what i'm having to do he better not be your boyfriend anymore He's not. I haven't spoken to him still. You're going to be so proud of me.
What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. I can do full mobility. I took a dance class the other day. I love I can do full mobility.
I don't. Yeah, that wasn't quite right. I'm telling you. It was very mean of you. It's my new meds.
So arms are raised. Arms are raised. We're playing Twister. They don't hurt at all.
Everything is like everything's A-OK. Shout out Dr. Barrett. I'm going next.
I really am. Well, I. literally have to leave for Las Vegas so soon I need to pack my little poker fit I need to study I bombed last time I did so horrible like in what world am I gonna let Stiney and Zach Justice knock me out of a poker tournament I'm ashamed I left there with my tail between my legs and tomorrow I have 81 people to beat you have to redeem yourself you will I am I'm sending you good vibes you know what the you know what happened retrograde's over Huh? as of I think today that's weird I really felt this retrograde like everything they said would happen would happen like I felt this retrograde as well like just like communication issues with everyone close to you as a cancer specifically I like felt like everything I was saying to everyone like what I it just wasn't what I was trying to say everyone Makoa you everyone in my life like I don't know I personally was the cow in the tornado yeah The bed bugs were a really big retrograde staple for me. I'm definitely going to go see if they're in my corsets after this.
I've been really struggling with raising my children together. They hate each other. Well, they don't hate each other, but...
You're talking about your cats? Yeah. You want to talk about that or no? No, we don't have to.
We can. I got a lot of hate when I got Malice. Like, she doesn't even know what having a bingo...
Like, I knew what I was in for, you know what I mean? Because bingos are very, very different than... regular cats they're like active and now i have to start feeding him raw because he's about to be six months feeding him raw raw carpaccio raw meat like a wild animal yes um so what what but like like you buy like like like for shoot you buy you buy like yeah like i'm actually not 100% sure i have to look into that but so he i told the whole story already but he ate a well buterin and then a 300 milligram well buterin he's only four pounds okay because he i think he has like pika or something he will eat everything what's pika where you like like people who eat like inanimate feathers yeah like like like not food i'm close to pika so he he like like he ate an entire bouquet of roses the other day like there's nothing that he won't eat you know what i mean So if he hears a tap on, like, I dropped my pill on the ground. I'm not even kidding.
I don't even think it hit the ground before it, like, was down his esophagus. And I freak out, obviously. So then I go on this emergency pet service. Like, I literally Google, like, emergency, like, poison control.
And I find this service. First thing I find. And I, you have to pay for it first, which already, like, what the fuck do you mean?
I'm going to have to type in all my information if I think my animal is about to die. Okay? It's like those websites where you try to find people's, like, phone numbers. Yeah, so I start talking to this girl and she's like a tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide.
OK, because that makes animals throw up. So I didn't have it. But Amanda had Amanda's not home.
I have to have the person downstairs come up, unlock her unit. I'm sifting through her cabinets. I get hydrogen peroxide and I give him a tablespoon.
OK, and he's just doing flips around the apartment. All right. He is not throwing up there. Nothing about it.
And time is passing. And I'm like, oh, my God, like I'm freaking out because he's not throwing up. So I'm messaging this person.
They ghost me, completely ghost me. So then I start obviously sending them death threats because I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? You're an emergency veterinary service. I tell you that my animal is maybe poisoned and you're just ghosting me.
They wrote me back literally like an hour later saying like, sorry, I had a family situation. I'm like suing. Doesn't matter.
By that point, I'd already obviously called ASPCA. ASPCA told me to go to the animal hospital. I went to the animal hospital.
They said, no, you need to go to the emergency room. So I took him to the emergency room and they go take him back. They assess him, whatever.
They come out and they tell me, you know what, he needs to spend the night. Why does he need to spend the night, you ask? Because he had a tablespoon of fucking hydrogen peroxide. Not because he had a 300 milligram Welbutrin, okay? That woman, that stupid idiot fucking woman, and I won't name her by name because we're not bullying anymore.
She gave me advice that you give that to a dog like that's what makes a dog throw up for cats like They were like he can have like ulcers like there's a lot of things that can happen. So we just want to monitor him Guess how much money I spent for him to spend the night in the hospital that night? More than $5,000?
$5,000. $5,000 because some lady who had an emergency pet service told me to give him hydrogen peroxide. But, like, what? I'm happy he's okay.
I'm just so grateful. What was the emergency? Was it, like, myanimalissick.co? No, it was, like, poison control.
It was literally, like, a poison control, like, forum. Like, I don't even know. But I should have just immediately called the ASPCA.
to think about it i do have pet insurance so i will probably be mostly reimbursed but he's been to the vet like a hundred times now because he's just like he you can tana he can open the fridge he can open the trash can today i found him eating a chicken samosa okay he can't have grains he's like bangle he he can do everything he can open every drawer he can open every cabinet he's four pounds he's gonna be 20 pounds bard out eating perfume like what like this is bad but it's really like how do people have like nine bangles i feel like everyone i know who has a cat in la has a bangle i think it has to do too with obviously him being a kitten but like I've never had a kitten like Murphy wasn't really a kitten when I got her she was a she was an old kitten she was like seven months so I just I'm not used to that energy combined with him being an actual wild animal I did get him a wheel so I try to get him to run on his wheel as long as I can but like he needs so much stimulation all the time and like I'm playing with him all day but he just doesn't get tired but I love him and he just wants to eat like tart blush like that's awful eats everything and he growls like growls what does Murphy think of all this Murphy is fucking furious I I have to spend at least like two hours a day with him in the room so that Murphy will like engage with me because like it's really put a strain on our relationship she does like him they play I just think Murphy's energy is very much like even as a kitten she was giving like wise old grandma like you know she's like fed up the cats like do have different personalities and she's a girl and she's just you know she's choosy with her energy She she does like him. I caught them cuddling this morning. I have the cutest photo.
But most of the time she will. It's like if she comes and sits in my lap, he'll just come and ruin it and he'll come and push her off. And then I'm heartbroken because Murphy and I don't have our special bonding time.
She's protecting her peace, honestly. And what a queen for that. I know, but I just don't want her to feel neglected.
I don't want her to feel like I don't like she's my first love. Yeah. And if at any point she says the word I'm dropping that second one off at the fire station.
I'm just kidding. I think over time it'll be fine and like good for you for putting the work in and I think the work of pets. I'm just like I'm so I'm so not used to it but it's been like fun kind of because it's like having a pup. puppy but why can he open that's why people get like puppy blues like i just feel like any new pet it's like it can be very hard you know yeah i want a goldfish even makoa says no to that goldfish are hard to take care of and they don't have have very good memories so they just eat too much i'm literally a goldfish my old dog died of obesity because my grandma has dementia and she was feeding him over and over and over and over again pancakes and cereal anyway um Also, she was a girl.
I don't know why I just said that she was a boy. I do have some things to say over on the Patreon. Patreon. Still can't say it right. I'm totally kidding about talking shit, by the way.
I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to talk about my new boyfriend that literally is not dating me at all. Might be soon.
I'm hopeful. I can talk about my current one. I do have some, yeah, all kinds of things to say.
But we'll go over there. And we love you guys so much. And you know I always want to put out an episode every single week. And I'm very sorry for my mental health getting the best of that.
And please just. I want to ask people to stop speculating, but I know that shit comes with my life. So keep on speculating. But we're here on this couch and we love you guys so much. And no one's getting canceled off the canceled podcast.
And we just appreciate everyone who listens and supports us and always has and always will. And I hope to come back to you guys next week with a better mental state, a poker win, and some fun announcements. Yay.
I love you guys.