what is up it is I your pro verbial boy Jeffy here in Berlin deuts land It's the final stop of my yearly European boot camp tour I'm here baking in the sun attempting to not get cancer as you can see my Cassity is on Full display here anyway last week I was in Amsterdam and I wanted to share a story with you from that boot camp program that I think it's pretty instructive so it was the very last day of the program Sunday going into the evening and only three students had endured to this point you know we've been going around the park all day meeting people I'm like all right how about Before We Say Goodbye one more approach for the road right and so I see about 30 ft away there's these two girls and they're they're walking towards us so I say to them all right go these right here and so one of the students he immediately sort of just like charges up to them he just kind of run like beines it towards them gets in their path he's like hey like ask some question or something and they're just kind of startled like huh I I know I don't know and then they just continue walking so he comes back to me and I'm like okay that didn't go so great whatever but I go let me ask you a question why did you beine up to them like literally if you just waited 8 seconds they would have come to us they were walking towards us in contrast what I was going to do as soon as I indicated the group walking to them I I was actually going to open it up so I immediately cracked a joke with the other student so I'm laughing so I'm like and then when they got here I would have been like oh hey excuse me really quick um are you guys locals um do you know a place nearby where we could perhaps become highly intoxicated because because I had a very disturbing incident earlier I I was impersonated uh somebody stole my identity on Instagram and they've been messaging my friends uh in an attempt to get them to fall prey to some cryptocurrency scam as you can probably guess this is quite upsetting to me and I thought the best course of action would be to consume large amounts of alcohol I mean and and you look like You' you look like the type you look like you know about all of that you know I believe the colloquial expression is Sunday Funday anyway D so again look at the distinction between those two approaches right in the one he's running up like a weirdo doing weird and the other I'm already creating a good vibe between myself and and the other student where they're just walking into that good vibe and I casually lean over in in a very spontaneous seeming way and then boom I invite them to join us in that vibe in that warm pool if you will right like these are cool people having fun and they're inviting us into that as opposed to some weirdo running up on them when somebody seems too eager or too available their perceived value decreases in the past I've used a certain analogy to sort of help visualize the Dynamics at play and I'll share it with you right now so imagine the person you want to meet is here right and you're here so they've got their space around them you've got your space around you and there's a space in between this is a conceptual space as well as a physical space but if you want to connect with that person you have to cross that space in order to connect with them and there's a couple ways you can approach doing this option number one you can jump right across and go up to them hey come on come on do you like it do you like me do you like me please like me please like me hey what's going on what's going on and that's sort of what the student did in that in that situation when he ran right up on him he's like hey do you like me do you like me now when you do this this has a tendency to make the other person sort of defend right like okay they're coming I sort of am cautious and skeptical and and I defend I defend I defend now can this work actually yeah it can it can where maybe you know you just kind of persevere long enough and eventually they're like okay well you know they're funny they're they seem somewhat cool I'm bored I guess I'll I guess I'll go with them right so it can work and when I first started out in all this that was kind of my Approach and it it did it did work from time to time certainly better than taking zero action but again it's not the best dynamic because it has a tend it's it's needy and there is perhaps no more unattractive quality than neediness so it has a tendency to get it's this competitive energy like if it doesn't work I'm a loser etc etc it just generally it's not super well received so option number two rather than jump across you do nothing you simply stay in your Zone and you just hope by sheer force of of looking cool the they're going to come to you right you just stand there you look cool you have this mystery Aura you're like the the James Bond mystery high value Rockstar man and and they're just going to come to you now can this work yes but in exceedingly rare circumstances like maybe if you're extremely physically attractive this can work but even then it's not going to be consistent you know it'll work once in a blue moon it certainly I mean don't kid yourself that you're doing something or that it's game or skilled is basically at that point it's just statistical roulette it's it's certainly nothing you'd want to build a strategy around okay option three which is what sort of well not sort of definitely what I advocate for is as follows you don't go come on come on come on you don't just stay there in your Zone instead you put yourself in that middle space and you broadcast that inviting warm Vibe and then you invite them to meet you in that middle space and collaborate and create something new together and again in my experience that tends to get a much much better reaction because of the level of investment that you're giving is much lower now again you you got to you got to bear in mind investment ratios whenever you're approaching somebody right the more invested you are in in the situation the more invested you are in the outcome the less likely generally it is to work now this is a rough thing to wrap your head around because simply by virtue of the fact that you're approaching that's investment so how do you minimize that like how do you again approach and still have that in investment be minimal well first of all when you're approaching you certainly don't want to be abrupt you you want to really be cognizant of how abrupt the introduction is you many times I see people it's almost like they're jumping out of some Bush to startle the people like there's not an actual Bush it's a conceptual Bush that they're like hey and the person's like what like what so for example a lot of times I'll send people we'll be at like at a bar and I'll send a student in to talk to someone who's standing at the bar and rather than just go up next to him and then casually be like hey blah blah blah blah blah they they'll literally run up behind and be like hey like like over their shoulder like hey what's up D and the person's like what and they don't even have time to process the fact that they're being addressed or even they can't even understand the sentence that's being said to them because they're just rushing it out so much so quickly and I think that what's going on there A lot of times the student is just trying to get it over with right he just wants to wallpaper over the anxiety he's if I just run up there and I just say it as quickly as possible I don't have to feel the anxiety as much but again unfortunately that has the side effect of basically making it fail and so then the cycle perpetuated more anxiety etc etc so when you do introduce yourself you want to you want to have this elaborately relaxed body language you want to let it breathe have have pauses be there so for example if that person's at the bar you know my classic bar opener I'll go up next to I'll be like I'll I'll go up next to them and I won't just immediately start talking to them I'll stand there for a couple seconds maybe and then I'll kind of pretend to notice them almost like acting I'll be like oh hey excuse me which one of these beers do you think will make me cooler or like tougher like make my my beard grow faster I'm trying to be more masculine than I saw it on the Super Bowl with Travis Kelce Taylor Swift and anyway hey I'm Jeff and then go into it from there so again it's this sort of very elaborately relaxed approach where there's pauses I'm letting it breathe it so again I I have they have time to soak in the vibe that warm pool that warm end of the pool Vibe and and they're like I want to be a part of this as opposed to again a weirdo trying to do weird and this subtle distinction this is what allows you to show interest without looking too eager going up in that confident demeanor it sort of subcommunication funny little ice breakers like that to sort of break the pattern because if people go up and they're asking these dumb questions like as soon as they can figure out what it is they'll just kind of tune out so when I go up and I say that kind of unusual that that little sassy sort of unusual thing will this make me cooler it's just they're like wait what oh that's kind of weird that's kind of different that's kind of interesting remember everybody's bored out there you got to give them something different to talk about and then make it easy for them to connect with you by the way those ice Breakers they're just meant as an icebreaker very often I'll send students in with that very same which beer will make me cooler opener and I'll come around 10 minutes later and they're still like debating the merits of various beers like well I think Guinness maybe D it's like yo it's what we call conversational clinging and they're they're like clinging on to it because they don't know what else to do so from there I might make an observation about them like you look like you're from New York uh you've got a kind of a cynical demeanor about you d d d or I may make observations about the environment and then whatever they say back to me I'll use that as seeds for my intuition to generate little anecdotal stories about my life which I'll keep relatively brief and again when you tell those like brief stories about your life you're revealing yourself it's it's contributing to the vibe and then simultaneously it's still maintaining this air of sort of mystery like there's more to learn about you and more to explore you want to maintain the sort of idea this feeling that you're still in the evaluation stage you're still evaluating them they're still evaluating you there's more to learn there's more to explore and again it's not putting that pressure on the situation and it's making you seem maybe perhaps a little bit unattainable it's like will we or won't we when you run up you're like hey hey do you like me do you like me it's just the mystery's gone it's like I can have this person and and and it also means a lot to them like the second that you can the the very very second that they can determine that it's like a big deal to you or there's gravity to it or there's some sort of emotional weight to it it's done it is absolutely done and if you go out a lot I'm sure you can tell you you'll see that t and that Tipping Point can happen at any moment in the interaction you'll see it happen you'll be like okay that's it and it's just W so again you really want to maintain this lighthearted fun adventurous intriguing again we're still in that evaluation stage Vibe making sure your approach is very spontaneous seeming very inviting it has this sort of air of relaxed assuredness where you're displaying this kind of elaborately relaxed body language again one thing to think about is what if somebody like a third party was watching your approach what would it look like to them like if from a third party who would they think looks cooler you want to seem like you're again extremely relaxed not like you're stiff you're leaning into their space you're holding your own space and again you're inviting them to meet you in that space all of this is going to contribute to that that era of like relaxed self assuredness that it just makes you seem like you're comfortable in the pocket so to speak and this is like an American football analogy you know the quarterback boom hike he gets the ball all of these the the opposing team is trying to tackle them like they're trying to get him he's got his Defenders but the pressure is on and he's got to be able to remain calm in that situation like where are my receivers look do I want to run it oh avoid this guy and not get flustered in that situation if you get flustered by the social pressure you're not going to do well so this concept of remaining disinterested inviting them into your world this can be applied through every stage of the interaction right in including and up to the end so let's say for example you know it's going very well I've been talk let's say I'm meeting somebody at the park this park here for example it's going very well the vibe is on I've thrown in a couple flirtatious comments they've been well received what I'll then do is I'll invite them to go elsewhere with me and the way that I'm going to do that again very very casual in the same way that we've been talking about all throughout this so at some point in the conversation I will mention that we're going to the karaoke later that's usually how I roll I'll be like oh by the way yeah we're thinking about doing karaoke later uh have you ever been to the mint karaoke Lounge it's a fabulous gay bar yeah I believe it's the best karaoke bar in America but that's neither here nor there anyway yeah da and then again change the subject get off of it and then later on down the line when it's when I decide maybe it's it's time to invite them along I'll be like well I think it's almost karaoke time by the way you're more than welcome to company us if you're so inclined we'd love to have you should be a ball in a hell of a time you're officially invited shall we and at that point if it's been going well they're back okay let's go boom done done deal so yeah I just wanted to share this little tidbit with you because when I brought this up to that student in Amsterdam you know like why did you run up to them make a beine towards those people when they were coming towards us and you could have just invited them into our world rather than going into theirs when I brought that up to him it was kind of an epiphany for him where he was like oh and I said I want you to like retroactively apply that same line of thinking to every interaction that you've had this entire weekend and then furthermore apply it going forward to every interaction that you're going to have from now on and that little that little shift it's small but it's extremely powerful it's like the King's Way versus a peasant begging for love right and if you apply in your life you're going to see a lot of positive dividends as well so like I said this is the last up of my European tour not going to be back until next summer uh however between now and then I'm going to be running boot camps all through the United States and look this is one of those things that if you really want to get this handled I know that's such a cliche but again it's one thing to watch these videos it's one thing to theorize about this stuff like there interesting intellectual exercises it's quite another to actually play the game and you might think that you've been playing the game but most people are not most people are out there to practice right and then when you see myself my assistant coaches in the field you're like oh now these guys are actually playing the game and it's a real mindblower and I think for a lot of people they report that at the end of the program they're like why the didn't I do this earlier right I'm sure you've had an experience like that like not with the boot camp but something else where you know maybe you knew you should do it you put it off for a long time because maybe it seemed like it was just kind of monumental thing it was going to be hard to do you couldn't find the time whatever and then you finally got around to doing it for whatever reason and then after you're like dude why the didn't I do that 5 years ago like it was way easier than I thought it was going to be and now my life is like so dramatically improved in pretty much every way like you kind of beat yourself up like I literally should have for the Wasted Years that you could have been having this vastly improved quality of life and again that's what this is that's what this is going to be for you if you actually come to the program be like damn why didn't I do this earlier but it doesn't matter you start where you're at you're at where you're at the past is the past past is an ash gone like spent cash now is the time so again link for boot camp in the description join me if you want to actually get this handled and by the way I'm also running an 8-week mentoring program you can learn the stuff from home if you can't make it to a boot camp obviously it's not the same as getting out there and in the actual real world but there are certain elements of Charisma and communication that can be exercised from home things like voice things like body language things like posture things like facial malleability things like access to intuition frame control conversational technique self-esteem building habits um conflict communication all of these things we I've made a comprehensive program to exercise these things in isolation online 8 weeks of classes and course and then you can bring that improved ability to bear in actual practice in actual performance so again link for that program is also in the description starting up a brand new cohort next week in fact love to see you on there anyway this has been your boy Jeffy from Berlin saying a V chy coming into the program there were like three areas I was trying to focus on there was leading relationships um being able to handle conflict and uh being able to show intent taking the time and going through the program that exercises it's like oh my even at the most basic level I'm not actually doing what I think I'm doing and then coming up with the clear plan exercise it has been really helpful conflict management was a huge point for me and then continue build leadership too uh during this program I got promoted in my job as well if you asked me 8 weeks ago do you want to public speak at work I would have been like absolutely not like how can I do my best to avoid it and then now it's been a lot more like how can I use my voice better this time how can I be more confident release any tensions it's almost like an opportunity to exercise what we've been learning just plenty of social opportunities to to just exercise what we've been learning now