Transcript for:
Notes on 'The Witches' by Roald Dahl

hello and good evening everyone welcome to another live stream another live reading where this evening we will be reading roald dahl's classic amazing book the witches and yeah just for a moment while i wait for everyone to come in and get comfortable i just got a few announcements to make and with you guys being here at the live read you guys are hearing it first so hello maximus hardin glad you could make it so i've got a few um announcements to make a couple of them are our celebration milestones so yeah it's going to be a big week or two uh but the first um announcement that i want to make is over on my other channel lewis kirk i'm going to be beginning a new project new playlist the first episode will come tomorrow and it's the learn to read playlist and my plan is to begin with a very simple phonics introduction you know for brand new readers or people trying to learn english as a second language and then i'm going to continue to share very simple books that progress in difficulty so that if you follow the playlist uh hopefully you'll be able to read to a good standard at the end of that so that's the first announcement coming tomorrow the second announcement is again over on my lewis kirk channel i'm approaching 20 000 subscribers on this other channel and lewis kirk so to celebrate that i'm going to be doing a live q a over there on lewis kirk which i've never done a live stream all my live streams i've been doing here at book club on sunday evenings at 8. but when i get to 20 000 subs i'm gonna yeah go live over on lewis kirk and see what happens there you guys can ask anything that you'd like um the next one is a celebration on this channel i'm very close to 1 000 subscribers here at the book club which i've wanted to achieve for yeah since i started and so when i do hit the 1k sub mark i'm going to do a poll for the live read here someone was asking the other day about some other british authors other than um roald dahl and so in that celebration 1k poll is going to be several classic uh works of fiction the first is going to be brave new world by aldous huxley the others are war of the worlds by h.g wells excuse me 1984 by george orwell and lord of the flies by william golding all excellent books and yeah they're quite long so i think i will do them over sunday and monday evening half each and so that is something i'm very excited about and the last announcement that you guys are hearing first and i plan to announce in the week is i'm creating or developing inviting you all to join a book club community uh all of the links to my other channel and uh hello gemma mulholland glad glad you like the sound of it all of the links to all of that my other channel and to the um book club community over at patreon click the link and have a look check it out if you've got any questions be sure to comment but yeah i enjoy these live reads so much that i wanted to create something that allows me to interact even more not just on sunday evenings and so that will occur at this book club community so with all that being said it's given everyone an opportunity to come in and hopefully we'll have a few late comers like we often do but we can begin the witches by roald dahl a note about witches in fairy tales witches always wear silly black hats and black cloaks and they ride on broomsticks but this is not a fairy tale this is about real witches the most important thing you should know about real witches is this listen very carefully never forget what is coming next i better do my hellos hello keira tompkins the thunder xz signalee i hope i pronounced that right hello everyone glad you could make it never forget what is coming next real witches dress in ordinary clothes and look very much like ordinary women they live in ordinary houses and they work in ordinary jobs that is why they are so hard to catch a real witch hates children with a red red-hot sizzling hatred that is more sizzling and red-hot than any hatred you could possibly imagine a real witch spends all her time plotting to get rid of the children in her particular territory her passion is to do away with them one by one it is all she thinks about the whole day long even if she is working as a cashier in a supermarket or typing letters for a businessman or driving around in a fancy car and she could be doing any of these things her mind will always be plotting and scheming and churning and burning and whizzing and fizzing with murderous bloodthirsty thoughts which child she says to herself all day long exactly which child should i choose for my next squelching a real witch gets the same pleasure from squelching a child as you get from eating a plate full of strawberries and thick cream she reckons on doing away with one child a week anything less than that and she becomes grumpy hey beth glad you could make it nice to see you one child a week is 52 a year squish them and squiggle them and make them disappear that is the motto of all witches very carefully a victim is chosen then the witch stalks the wretched child like a hunter stalking a little bird in the forest she treads softly she moves quietly she gets closer and closer than at last when everything is ready twist and she swoops sparks fly flames leap oil boils rats howl skin shrivels and the child disappears hello great to see you glad you could come a witch you must understand does not knock children on the head or stick knives into them or shoot at them with a pistol people do not do those people who do those things get caught by the police a witch never gets caught don't forget that she has magic in her fingers and devilry dancing in her blood she can make stones jump about like frogs and she can make tongues or flame go flickering across the surface of water hey green grapes great to see you these magic powers are very frightening luckily there are not a great number of real witches in the world today but there are still quite enough to make you nervous in england there are probably about 100 of them all together some countries have more others have not quite so many no country in the world is completely free from witches a witch is always a woman i do not wish to speak badly about women most women are lovely but the fact remains that all witches are women there is no such thing as a male witch on the other hand a ghoul is always a male so indeed is a bargast both are dangerous but neither of them is half as dangerous as a real witch as far as children are concerned a real witch is easily the most dangerous of all the living creatures on earth what makes her doubly dangerous is the fact that she doesn't look dangerous even when you know all the secrets you will hear about those in a minute you can still never be quite sure whether it is a witch you're gazing at or just a kind lady if a tiger were able to make himself look like a large dog with a waggy tail you would probably go up and pat him on the head and that would be the end of you it is the same with witches they all look like nice ladies kindly examine the picture below which lady is the witch that is the difficult question but it is one that every child must try to answer for all you know a witch might be living next door to you right now or she might be the woman with the bright eyes who sat opposite you on the bus this morning she might be the lady with the dazzling smile who offered you a sweet from a white paper bag in the street before lunch she might even and this will make you jump she might even be your lovely school teacher who is reading these words to you at this very moment oh no where's my phone and yeah someone did an interesting comment the other day and said that when their teacher was reading the book and she read those words she said it was very funny that um the teacher had to read even your lovely school teacher who is reading these words to you at this very moment look carefully at that teacher perhaps she is smiling at the absurdity of such a suggestion don't let that put you off it could be part of her cleverness i am not of course telling you for one second that your teacher actually is a witch all i am saying is that she might be one it is most unlikely but and here comes the big butt it is not impossible oh if only there were a way of telling for sure whether a woman was a witch or not then we could round them all up and put them in the meat grinder unhappily there is no such way but there are a number of sid little signals you can look out for little quirky habits that all witches have in common and if you know about these if you remember them always then you might just possibly manage to escape from being squelched before you are much older my grandmother i myself had two separate encounters with witches before i was eight years old from the first i escaped unharmed but on the second occasion i was not so lucky things happen to me that will probably make you scream when you read about them that can't be helped the truth must be told the fact that i'm still here and able to speak to you however peculiar i may look is due to my wonderful grandmother my grandmother was norwegian the norwegians know all about witches for norway with its black forests and icy mountains is where the first witches came from my father and mother were also norwegian but because my father had a business in england i had been born here and had lived there and had started going to an english school twice a year at christmas and in the summer we went back to norway to visit my grandmother this old lady as far as i could gather was just about the only surviving relative we had on either side of our family she was my mother's mother and i absolutely adored her when she and i were together we spoke in either norwegian or in english it didn't matter which we were equally fluent in both languages and i have to admit i felt closer to her than to my mother soon after my seventh birthday my parents took me as usual to spend christmas with my grandmother in norway and it was over there while my father and mother and i were driving in icy weather just north of oslo that our car skidded off the road and went tumbling down into a rocky ravine my parents were killed i was firmly strapped into the back seat and received only a cut on my forehead i won't go into the horrors of that terrible afternoon i still get shivers when i think about it i finished up of course back in my grandmother's house with her arms around me tight and both of us crying the whole night long [Applause] what are we going to do now i asked her through the tears you will stay here with me she said and i will look after you aren't i going back to england no she said i could never do that heaven shall take my soul but norway shall keep my bones the very next day in order that we might both try to forget our great sadness my grandmother started telling me stories she was a wonderful storyteller and i was enthralled by everything she told me but i didn't become really excited until he until she got onto the subject of witches she was apparently a great expert on these creatures and she made it very clear to me that her witch stories unlike most of the others were not imaginary tales they were all true they were the gospel truth they were history everything she was telling me about witches had actually happened and i had better believe it what was worse what was far far worse was that witches were still with us they were all around us and i had better believe that too are you really being truthful grandmama really and truly truthful my darling she said you won't last long in this world if you don't know how to spot a witch when you see one but you told me that witches look like ordinary women grandmama so how can i spot them you must listen to me my grandmother said you must remember everything i tell you after that all you can do is cross your heart and pray to heaven and hope for the best we were in the big living room of her house in oslo and i was ready for bed the curtains were never drawn in that house and through the windows i could see huge snowflakes falling slowly onto an outside world that was as black as tar my grandmother was tremendously old and wrinkled with a massive wide body which was smothered in grey lace she sat there majestic in her armchair filling every inch of it not even a mouse could have squeezed into it to sit beside her i myself just seven years old was crouched on the floor at her feet wearing pajamas dressing gown and slippers you swear you aren't pulling my leg i kept heart saying to her you swear you aren't just pretending listen she said i have known no less than five children who have simply vanished off the face of this earth never to be seen again the witches took them i still think you're just trying to frighten me i said i'm trying to make sure you don't go the same way she said i love you and i want you to stay with me tell me about the children who disappeared i said my grandmother was the only grandmother i've i ever met who smoked cigars she lit one now a long black cigar that smelled of burning rubber the first child i knew who disappeared she said was called rang gild wrangled hanson rangild was about eight at the time and she was playing with her little sister on the lawn their mother who was baking bread in the kitchen came outside for a breath of air where's wrangled she asked she went away with the tall lady the little sister said what tall lady the mother said the tall lady in white gloves the little sister said she took wrangled by the hand and led her away no one my grandmother said ever saw rangilled again didn't they search for her i asked they searched for miles around everyone in the town helped but they never found her what happened to the other four children i asked they vanished just as rangil did how grandmama how did they vanish in every case a strange lady was seen outside the house just before it happened but how did they vanish i asked the second one was very peculiar my grandmother said there was a family called christiansen they lived up on holmen colin and they had an old old paint and they had an old oil painting in the living room which they were very proud of the paintings showed some ducks in the yard outside a farmhouse there were no people in the painting just the flock of ducks on a grassy farmyard and the farmhouse in the background it was a large painting and rather pretty well one day their daughter solveeg came home from school eating an apple she said a nice lady had given it to her on the street the next morning little salvig was not in her bed the parents searched everywhere but they couldn't find her then all of a sudden her father shouted there she is that solving feeding the ducks he was pointing at the oil painting and sure enough solveig was in it she was standing in the farmyard in the act of throwing bread to the ducks out of a basket the father rushed up to the painting and touched her but that didn't help she was simply a part of the painting just the picture painted on the canvas did you ever see that painting grandma ma with a little girl in it many times my grandmother said and the peculiar thing was that little solved kept changing her position in the picture one day she would actually be inside the farmhouse and you could see her face looking out of the window another day she would be far over to the left with a duck in her arms did you see her moving in the picture grandmama nobody did wherever she was whether outside feeding the ducks or inside looking out of the window she was always motionless just a figure painted in oils it was all very odd my grandmother said very odd indeed and what was most out of all was that as the years went by she kept growing older in the picture in 10 years the small girl had become a young woman in 30 years she was middle-aged then all at once 54 years after it all happened she disappeared from the picture altogether you mean she died i said who knows my grandmother said some very mysterious things go on in the world of witches that's two you've told me about i said what happened to the third one the third one was little berget svensson my grandmother said she lived just across the road from us one day she started growing feathers all over her body within a month she had turned into a large a large white chicken her parents kept her for years in a pen in the garden she even laid eggs what color eggs i said brown ones my grandmother said biggest eggs i've ever seen in my life her mother made omelets out of them delicious they were hey kathy glad you could make it great to see everyone i gazed up at my grandmother who sat there like some ancient queen on her throne her eyes were misty gray and they seemed to be looking at something many miles away the cigar was the only real thing about her at that moment and the smoke it made billowed round her head in blue clouds but the little girl who became a chicken didn't disappear i said no not burget she lived on for many years laying her brown eggs you said all of them disappeared i made a mistake my grandmother said i'm getting old i can't remember everything what happened to the fourth child i asked the fourth child was a boy called harold my grandmother said one morning his skin went all greyish yellow then it became hard and crackly like the shell of a nut by evening the boy by evening the boy had turned to stone stone i said you mean real stone granite she said i'll take you to see him if you like they still keep him in the house he stands in the hall a little stone statue visitors lean their umbrellas up against him although i was very young i was not prepared to believe everything my grandmother told me and yet she spoke with such conviction with such utter seriousness and with nether a smile on her face or a twinkle in her eye that i found myself beginning to wonder go on grandmama i said you told me there were five altogether what happened to the last one would you like a puff of my cigar she said i'm only seven grandmama i don't care what age you are she said you'll never catch a cold if you smoke cigars what about number five grandmama number five she said chewing the end of a cigar as though it were a delicious asparagus was rather an interesting case a nine-year-old boy called leif was summer holidaying with his family on the fjord and the whole family was picnicking and swimming off some rocks on one of those little islands young leif dived into the water with his and his father who was watching him notice that he stayed under for an unusually long time when he came to the surface at last he wasn't life anymore what was he grandma he was a poor voice he wasn't he couldn't have been he was a lovely young poor person she said and as friendly as could be grandmama i said yes my darling did he really and truly turn into a poor voice absolutely she said i knew his mother well she told me all about it she told me how laith the poor boys stayed with them that afternoon giving his brothers and sisters rides on his back they had a wonderful time then he waved the flipper at them and swam away never to be seen again but grandmama i said how did they know that the porpoise was actually life he talked to them my grandmother said he laughed and joked with them all the time he was giving them rides but wasn't there a most tremendous fuss when this happened i asked not much my grandmother said you must remember that here in norway we are used to that sort of thing there are witches everywhere there's probably one living in our street this very moment it's time you went to bed a witch wouldn't come in through my window in the night would she i asked quaken a little no my grandmother said a witch will never do silly things like climbing up drain pipes or breaking into people's houses you'll be quite safe in your bed come along i'll tuck you in how to recognize a witch the next evening after my grandmother had given me my bath she took me once again into the living room for another story tonight the old woman said i'm going to tell you how to recognize a witch when you see one can you always be sure i asked no she said you can't and that's the trouble but you can make a pretty good guess she was dropping cigarash all over her lap and i hope she wasn't going to catch on fire before she'd told me how to recognize a witch in the first place she said a real witch is certain always to be wearing gloves when you meet her surely not always i said what about in the summer when it's hot even in the summer my grandmother said she has to do you want to know why why i said because she doesn't have fingernails instead of fingernails she has thin curvy claws like a cat and she wears the gloves to hide them mind you lots of very respectable women wear gloves especially in winter so this doesn't help you very much mama used to wear gloves i said not in the house my grandmother said witches wear gloves even in the house they only take them off when they go to bed how do you know this grandmama don't interrupt she said just take it all in the second thing to remember is that a real witch is always bald bald i said bald as a boiled egg my grandmother said i was shocked there was something indecent about a bald woman why are they bald grandmama don't ask me why she snapped but you can take it from me that not a single hair grows on a witch's head how horrid disgusting my grandmother said if she's bald she'll be easy to spot i said not at all my grandmother said a real witch always wears a wig to hide her boldness she wears a first-class wig and it is almost impossible to tell a really first-class wig from an ordinary hair unless you give it a pull to see if it comes off then that's what i'll have to do i said don't be foolish my grandmother said you can't go around pulling at the hair of every lady you meet even if she is wearing gloves just you try and see what happens so that doesn't help much either i said none of these things is any good on its own my grandmother said it's only when you put them all together that they begin to make a little sense mind you my grandmother went on these wigs do cause a rather serious problem for witches what problem grandmama they make the scalp itch most terribly she said you see when an actress wears a wig or if you or i were to wear a wig we'd be putting it on over our own hair but a witch has to put it straight onto her naked scalp and the underneath of a wig is always very rough and scratchy it sets up up a frightful itch on the bald skin it causes nasty sores on the head wig rash the witches call it and it doesn't half itch what other things must i look for to recognize a witch i asked look for the nose holes my grandmother said witches have slightly larger nose holes than ordinary people the rim of each nose hole is pink and curvy like the rim of a certain kind of seashell why do they have such big nose holes i asked for smelling with my grandmother said a real witch has the most amazing powers of smell she can actually smell out a child who is standing on the other side of the street on a pitch-black night she couldn't smell me i said i've just had a bath oh yes she could my grandmother said the cleaner you happen to be the more smelly you are to a witch that can't be true i said an absolutely clean child gives off the most ghastly stench to a witch my grandmother said the dirtier you are the less you smell but that doesn't make sense grandmama oh yes it does my grandmother said it isn't the dirt that the witch is smelling it is you the smell that drives a witch mad actually comes right out of your own skin it comes oozing out of your skin in waves and these waves stink waves the witches call them go floating through the air and hit the witch right smack in her nostrils they send her reeling now wait a minute grandmama don't interrupt she said the point is this when you haven't washed for a week and your skin is all covered over with dirt then quite obviously the stink waves cannot come oozing out nearly so strongly i shall never have a bath again i said just don't have one too often my grandmother said once a month is quite enough for a sensible child it was moments like these that i love my grandmother more than ever grandmama i said if it's a dark night how can a witch smell the difference between a child and a grown-up because grown-ups don't give out stink waves she said only children do that but i don't really give out stink waves do i i said i'm not giving them out at this very moment am i not to me you aren't my grandmother said to me you are smelling like raspberries and cream but to a witch you'd be smelling absolutely disgusting [Music] what would i be smelling of i asked dogs droppings my grandmother said i reeled i was stunned dog's droppings i cried i am not smelling of dog's droppings i don't believe it i won't believe it what's more my grandmother said speaking with a touch of relish to a witch you'd be smelling of fresh dog's droppings that simply is not true i cried i know i am not smelling of dobs dropping stale or fresh there's no point in arguing about it my grandmother said it's a fact of life i was outraged i simply couldn't bring myself to believe that my grandmother was telling me so if you see a woman holding her nose as she passes you in the street she went on that woman could easily be a witch i decided to change the subject tell me what else to look for in a witch i said the eyes my grandmother said look carefully at the eyes because the eyes of a real witch are different from yours and mine look in the middle of each eye where there is normally a little black dot if she is a witch the black dot will keep changing color and you will see fire and you will see ice dancing right in the very center of the coloured dot it will send shivers running all over your skin my grandmother leaned back in her chair and sucked away contentedly at her foul cigar i squatted on the floor staring up at her fascinated she was not smiling she looked deadly serious are there everything are there other things i asked of course there are other things my grandmother said you don't seem to understand that witches are not actually women at all they look like women they talk like women and they are able to act like women but in fact they are totally different animals they are demons in human shape that is why they have claws and bald heads and queer noses and peculiar eyes all of which they have to conceal as best they can from the rest of the world what else what else is different about them grandma mum the feet she said witches never have toes no toes i cried then what do they have they just have feet my grandmother said the feet have square ends with no toes on them at all does that make it difficult to walk i asked not at all my grandmother said but it does give them a problem with their shoes all ladies like to wear small rather pointed shoes but a witch whose feet are very wide and square at the ends has the most awful job squeezing her feet into those neat little pointed shoes why doesn't she wear wide comfy shoes with square ends i asked she dare not my grandmother said just as she hides her boldness with a wig she must also hide her ugly witch's feet by squeezing them into pretty shoes isn't that terribly uncomfortable i said extremely uncomfortable my grandmother said but she has to put up with it if she's wearing ordinary shoes it won't help me to recognize her will it grandmama i'm afraid it won't my grandmother said you might possibly see her limping very slightly but only if you are watching her closely are those the only differences then grandmama there's one more my grandmother said just one more hey druk sheeran great to see you what is it grandmama their spit is blue blue i cried not blue this bit can't be blue blue is a bilberry she said you don't mean it grandmama nobody can have blue split which is can she said is it like ink i asked exactly she said they even use it to write with they use those old-fashioned pens that have nibs and they simply lick the nib can you notice the blue spit grandmama if the witch was talking to me would i be able to notice it only if you looked carefully my grandmother said if you look very carefully you would probably see a slight bluish tinge on her teeth but it doesn't show much it would if she spat i said which is never spit my grandmother said they dent i couldn't believe my grandmother would be lying to me she went to church every morning of the week and she said grace before every meal and somebody who did that would never tell lies i was beginning to leave believe every word she spoke so there you are my grandmother said that's about all i can tell you none of it is very helpful you can still never be absolutely sure whether a woman is a witch or not just by looking at her but if she is wearing the gloves if she has the large nose holes the queer eyes and the hair that looks as though it might be a wig and if she has a bluish tinge on her teeth if she has all of these things then you run like mad grandmama i said when you were a little girl did you ever meet a witch once my grandmother said only once what happened i'm not going to tell you she said it would frighten you out of your skin and give you bad dreams please tell me i begged no she said certain things are too horrible to talk about does it have something to do with your missing thumb i asked suddenly her old wrinkles lips her old wrinkled lips shut tight as a pair of tongs and the hand that held the cigar which had no thumb on it began to quiver very slightly i waited she didn't look at me she didn't speak all of a sudden she had shut herself off completely the conversation was finished good night grandmama i said rising from the floor and kissing her on the cheek she didn't move i crept out of the room and went to my bedroom the grand high witch the next day a man in a black suit arrived at the house carrying a briefcase and he held a long conversation with my grandmother in the living room i was not allowed in while he was there but when at last he went away my grandmother came in to me walking very slowly and looking very sad that man was reading me your father's will she said what is a will i asked her it is something you write before you die she said and in it use and in it you say who is going to have your money and your property but most important of all it says who is going to look after your child if both the mother and father are dead a fearful panic took hold of me it did say you grandmama i cried i don't have to go to somebody else do i no she said your father would never have done that he has asked me to take care of you for as long as i live but he has also asked that i take you back to your own house in england he wants us to stay there but why i said why can't we stay here in norway you would hate to live anywhere else you told me you would i know she said but there are a lot but there are a lot of complications with money and with the house that you wouldn't understand also it said in the world that although all your family is norwegian you were born in england and you have started your education there and he wants you to continue going to english schools oh grandmama i cried you don't want to go and live in our house in england i know you don't of course i don't she said but i'm afraid i must the will said that your mother felt the same way about it and it is important to respect the wishes of the parents hey johann glad you could make it and you're you enjoy the book there was no way out of it we had to go to england and my grandmother started making arrangements at once your next school term begins in a few days she said so we don't have any time to waste on the evening before we left for england my grandmother got on to her favorite subject once again there are not as many witches in england as there are in norway she said i'm sure i won't meet one i said i sincerely hope you won't she said because those english witches are probably the most vicious in the whole world as she sat there smoking her foul cigar and talking away i kept looking at the hand with the missing thumb i couldn't help it i was fascinated by it and i kept wondering what awful thing had happened that time she had met a witch it must have been something absolutely appalling and gruesome otherwise she would have told me about it maybe the thumb had been twisted off or perhaps she had been forced to jam her thumb down the spout of a boiling kettle until it was steamed away or did someone pull it out of her hand like a tooth i couldn't help trying to guess tell me what those english witches do grandmama i said well she said sucking away at her stinking cigar their favorite ruse is to mix up a powder that will turn a child into some creature or other that all grown-ups hate what sort of a creature grandmama often it's a slug she said a slug is one of their favorites then the grown-ups step on the slug and squish it without knowing it's a child that's perfectly beastly i cried or it might be a flea my grandmother said they might turn you into a flea and without realizing what she was doing your own mother would get out the flea powder and then it's goodbye you you're making me nervous grandmama i don't think i want to go back to england i've known english witches she went on who have turned chicken in children into pheasants and then sneaked the pheasants up into the wood the very day before the pheasant shooting season opened ouch said so they get shot of course they get shot she said and then they get plucked and roasted and eaten for supper i pictured myself as a pheasant flying frantically over the men with the guns swerving and dipping as the guns exploded below me yes my grandmother said it gives the english witches great pleasure to stand back and watch the grown-ups doing away with their own children i really don't want to go to england grandmama of course you don't she said nor do i but i'm afraid we've got to our witch is different in every country i asked completely different my grandmother said but i don't know much about the other countries don't you even know about america i asked not really she answered although i have heard it said that over there the witches are able to make the grown-ups eat their own children never i cried oh no grandmama that can't be true i don't know whether it's true or not she said it's only a rumor i've heard but how could they possibly make them eat their own children i asked by turning them into hot dogs she said that wouldn't be too difficult for a clever witch does every single country in the world have its witches i asked wherever you find people you find witches my grandmother said there is a secret society of witches in every country and do they all know one another grandmama they do not she said a witch only knows the witch is in her own country she is strictly forbidden to communicate with any foreign witches but an english witch for example will know all the other witches in england they are all friends they ring each other up they swap deadly recipes goodness knows what else they talk about i hate to think i sat on the floor watching my grandmother she put a cigar stub in the ash tree and folded her hands across her stomach once a year she went on the witches of each separate country hold their own secret meeting they all get together in one place to receive a lecture from the grand high witch of all the world from who i cried she is the ruler of them all my grandmother said she is all powerful she is without mercy all other witches are petrified of her they see her only once a year at their annual meeting she goes there to whip up excitement and enthusiasm and to give orders the grand high which travels from country to country attending these annual meetings where do they have these meetings grandmama they are all sorts of there are all sorts of rumors my grandmother answered i've heard it said that they just book into a hotel like any other group of women who are holding a meeting i've also heard it said that some very peculiar things go on in the hotels they stay in it is rumored that the beds are never slept in that there are burn marks on the bedroom carpets that toads are discovered in the bathtubs and that down in the kitchen the cook once found a baby crocodile swimming in his saucepan of soup my grandmother picked up her cigar and took another puff inhaling the foul smoke deeply into her lungs where does the grand high witch live when she's at home i asked nobody knows my grandmother said if we knew that then she could be rooted out and destroyed witcher files all over the world have spent their lives trying to discover the secret headquarters of the grand high witch what is a witcher file grandmama a person who studies witches and knows a lot about them my grandmother said are you a witchophile grandmama i'm a retired witchophile she said i'm too old to be active any longer but when i was younger i traveled all over the globe trying to track down the grand high witch i never came even close to succeeding is she rich i asked she's rolling my grandmother said simply rolling in money rumor has it that there is a machine in her headquarters which is exactly like the machine the government uses to print the banknotes you and i use after all banknotes are only bits of paper with special designs and pictures on them anyone can make them who has the right machine and the right paper my guess is that the grand high witch makes all the money she wants and she disses it out to witches everywhere what about foreign money i asked those machines can make chinese money if you want them to my grandmother said it's only a question of pressing the right button but grandmamar i said if nobody has ever seen the grand high witch how can you be so sure she exists my grandmother gave me a long and very severe look nobody has ever seen the devil she said but we know he exists the next morning we sailed for england and soon i was back in the old family house in kent but this time with only my grandmother to look after me then the easter term began and every weekday i went to school and everything seemed to have come back to normal again now at the bottom of our garden there was an enormous conquer tree and high up in its branches timmy my best friend and i had started to build a magnificent tree house we were able to work on it only at the weekends but we were getting along fine we had begun with the floor which we built by laying wide planks between two quite far apart branches and nailing them down within a month we had finished the floor then we constructed a wooden railing around the floor and that left only the roof to be built the roof was the difficult bit one saturday afternoon when timmy was in bed with flu i decided to make a start on the roof all by myself it was lovely being up the upper being high up there in that conker tree all alone with the pale young leaves coming out everywhere around me it was like being in a big green cave and the hide made it extra exciting my grandmother had told me that if i fell i would break a leg and every time i looked down i got a tingle along my spine i worked away nailing the first plank on the roof then suddenly out of the corner of my eye i caught sight of a woman standing immediately below me she was looking up at me and smiling in the most peculiar way when most people smile their lips go out sideways this woman's lips went upwards and downwards showing all her front teeth and gums the gums were like raw meat it is always a shock to discover that you are being watched when you think you are alone and what was this strange woman doing in our garden anyway i noticed that she was wearing a small black hat and she had black gloves on her hands and the gloves came nearly up to her elbows gloves she was gloves she was wearing gloves i froze all over i have a present for you she said still glaring at me still smiling still showing her teeth and gums i didn't answer come down out of that tree little boy she said and i shall give you the most exciting present you've ever had her voice had a curious rasping quality it made a sort of metallic sound as though her throat was full of drawing pins without taking her eyes from my face she very slowly put one of those glove hands into her purse and drew out a small green snake she held it up for me to see it's tame she said the snake began to coil itself around her forearm it was brilliant green if you come down here i shall give him to you she said oh grandmama i thought come and help me then i panicked i dropped the hammer and shot up that enormous tree like a monkey i didn't stop until i was as high as i could possibly go and there i stayed quivering with fear i couldn't see the woman now there were layers and layers of leaves between her and me i stayed up there for hours and i kept very still it begran it began to grow dark at last i heard my grandmother calling my name i'm up here i shouted back come down at once she called out it's past your supper time grandmama i shouted has that woman gone what woman my grandmother called back the woman in the black gloves there was silence from below it was the silence of somebody who was too stunned to speak grandmama i shouted again has she gone yes my grandmother answered at last she's gone i'm here my darling i'll look after you you can come down now i climbed down i was trembling my grandmother enfolded me in her arms i've seen a witch i said come inside she said you'll be all right with me she led me into the house and gave me a cup of hot cocoa with lots of sugar in it tell me everything she said i told her by the time i had finished it was my grandmother who was trembling her face was ashy gray and i saw her glance down at that hand of hers that didn't have a thumb you know what this means she said it means that there is one of them in our district from now on i'm not letting you walk alone to school do you think she could be after me especially i asked no she said i doubt that one child is as good as another to those creatures it is hardly surprising that after that i became a very witch-conscious little boy if i happened to be alone on the road and i saw a woman approaching who was wearing gloves i would quickly skip across to the other side and as the weather remained pretty cold during the whole of that month nearly everybody was wearing gloves curiously enough though i never saw the woman with the green snake again that was my first witch but it wasn't my last summer holidays the easter holidays came and went and the summer term began at school my grandmother and i had already planned to take our summer holiday in norway and we talked about almost nothing else every evening she had booked a cabin for each of us on the boat from newcastle to oslo at the earliest possible moment after my school broke up and from oslo she was going to take me to a place she knew down on the south coast near arendelle where she had spent her own summer holidays as a child nearly 80 years ago all day long she said my brother and i were out in the rowing boat the whole coast is dotted with tiny islands and there's nobody on them we used to explore them and dive into the sea off the lovely smooth granite rocks and sometimes on the way out we would drop the anchor and fish for cord and whitting and if we caught anything we would build a fire on an island and fry the fish in a pan for our lunch there is no finer fish in the world than absolutely fresh cod what did you use for bait grandmama when you went fishing mussels she said everyone uses mussels for bait in norway and if we didn't catch any fish we would boil the mussels in a saucepan and eat those were they good delicious she said cook them in seawater and they are tender and salty what else did you do grandmama we used to row out and wave to the shrimp boats on their way home and they would stop and give us a handful of shrimps each the shrimps were still warm from having just been cooked and we would sit in the rowing boats peeling them and gobbling them up the head was the best part the head i said you squeeze the head between your teeth and suck out the inside it's marvelous you and i will do all those things this summer my darling she said grandmama i said i can't wait i simply can't wait to go nor can i she said when there were only three weeks of the summer term left an awful thing happened my grandmother got pneumonia she became very ill and a trained nurse moved into the house to look after her the doctor explained to me that pneumonia is not normally a dangerous illness nowadays because of penicillin but when a person is more than 80 years old as my grandmother was then it is very dangerous indeed he said he didn't even dare to move her to hospital in her condition so she stayed in her bedroom and i hung about outside the door while oxygen cylinders and all sorts of other frightening things were taken into her can i go in and see her i asked no dear the nurse said not at the moment a fat and jolly lady called mrs spring who used to come and clean our house every day also moved in and slept in the house mrs spring looked after me and cooked my meals i liked her very much but she wasn't a patch on my grandmother for telling stories one evening about ten days later the doctor came downstairs and said to me you can go in and see her now but only for a short time she's been asking for you i flew upstairs and burst into my grandmother's room and threw myself into her arms hey there the nurse said be careful with her will you be all right now grandmama i asked the worst is over she said i'll soon be up again will she i said to the nurse oh yes the nose answered smiling she told her she simply had to get better because she had to look after you i gave her another hug they won't let me have a cigar she said but you wait till they're gone she's a tough old bird the nurse said we'll have her up in another week the nurse was right within a week my grandmother was thumping around the house with her cold a gold top cane and interfering with mrs springs cooking i thank you for all your help mrs spring she said but you can go home now oh no i can't mrs springs said doctor told me to see that you take it very easy for the next few days the doctor said more than that he dropped a bombshell on my grandmother and me by telling us that on no account were we to risk the journey to norway this summer rubbish my grandmother cried i've promised him we'll go it's too far the doctor said it would be very dangerous but i'll tell you what you can do you can take your grandson to a nice hotel on the south coast of england instead the sea air is just what you need oh no i said do you want your grandmother to die the doctor asked me never i said then don't let her go on a long journey this summer she's not even strong enough and stop her smoking those vile black cigars in the end the doctor had his way about the holiday but not about the cigars rooms were booked for us in a place called the hotel magnificent in the famous seaside town of bournemouth bournemouth my grandmother told me was full of old people like herself they were tired there by the thousand because the air was so bracing and healthy it kept them so they believed alive for an extra few years does it i asked of course not she said it's tommy rott but just for the but just for once i think we've got to obey the doctor soon after that my grandmother and i took the train to bournemouth and settled into the hotel magnificent it was an enormous white building on the seafront and it looked to me like a like a pretty boring place to spend a summer holiday in i had my own separate bedroom but there was a door connecting my room with my grandmother's room so that we could visit each other without getting into the corridor just before we left for bournemouth my grandmother had given me as consolation a present of two white mice in a little cage and of course i took them with me they were terrific fun those mice i called them william and mary and in my ho and in the hotel i set out right away teaching them to do tricks the first trick i taught them was to creep up the sleeve of my jacket and come out by my neck then i taught them to climb up the back of my neck to the top of my head i did this by putting cake crumbs in my hair on the very first morning after our arrival the chambermaid was making my bed when one of my mice poked its head out from under the sheets the maid let out a shriek that brought a dozen people running to see who was being murdered i was reported to the manager there followed an unpleasant scene in the manager's office with the manager my grandmother and me the the manager whose name was mr stringer was a bristly man and a black tail coat i cannot permit mice in my hotel madam he said to my grandmother how dare you say that when your rotten hotel is full of rats anyway my grandmother cried rats cried mr stringer go in move in the face there are no rats in this hotel i saw one this very morning my grandmother said it was running down the corridor into the kitchen that is not true cried mr stringer you had better get the ratch catcher in at once my grandmother said before i report you to the public health authorities i expect there's rats scuttling all over the kitchen floor and stealing the food off the shelves and jumping in and out of the soup never cried mr stringer no wonder my breakfast toast was all nibbled around the edges this morning my grandmother went on relentlessly no wonder it had a nice a nasty ratty taste if you're not careful the health people will be ordering the entire hotel to be closed before everyone gets typhoid fever you are not being serious madam mr stringer said i was never more serious in my life my grandmother said are you are you not going to allow my grandson to keep his white mice in his room the manager knew when he was beaten may i suggest a compromise madam he said i will permit him to keep them in his room as long as they are never allowed out of the cage how's that that will suit us very well my grandmother said and she stood up and marched out of the room with me behind her there is no way you can train mice inside a cage yet i dared not let them out because the chambermaid was spying on me all the time she had a key to my door and she kept bursting in at all hours trying to catch me with the mice out of the cage she told me that the first mouse to break the rules would be drowned in a bucket of water by the hall porter i decided to seek a safer place where i could carry on with the training there must surely be an empty room in this enormous hotel i put one mouse in each trouser pocket and wandered downstairs in search of a secret spot the ground floor of the hotel was a maze of public rooms all of them named in gold letters on the doors i wandered through the lounge the smoking room and the card room and the reading room and the drawing room none of them was empty i went down a long wide corridor and at the end of it i came to the ballroom there were double doors leading into it and in front of the doors was a large notice board on the stand the note is board the notice on the board said rspcc meeting strictly private this room is reserved for the annual meeting of the royal society for the prevention of cruelty to children the double doors into the room were open i peeped in it was a colossal room there were rows and rows of chairs all facing a platform the chairs were painted gold and they had little red cushions on the seats but there was not a soul in sight i sidled cautiously into the room what a lovely secret silent place it was the meeting of the royal society for the prevention of cruelty to children must have taken place earlier in the day and now they had all gone home even if they hadn't even if they did suddenly come pouring in they would be wonderful kind people who would look with favor upon a young mouse trainer going about his business at the back of the room there was a large folding screen with chinese dragons painted on it i decided just to be on the safe side to go behind the screen and do my training there i wasn't a bit frightened of the prevention of cruelty to children people but there was always a chance that mr stringer the manager might pop his head round the door if he did and if he saw the mice the poor things would be in the hall porter's bucket of water before i could shout stop i tiptoed to the back of the room and settled myself on the thick green carpet behind the big screen what a splendid place this was ideal for mouse training i took william and mary out of my trouser pockets they sat beside me on the carpet quiet and well behaved the trick i was going to teach them today was tightrope walking it was not all that difficult to train an intelligent mouse to be an expert type rope walker provided you know exactly how to go about it first you must have a piece of string i had that then you must have some good cake a fine currant cake is the favorite food of white mice they are dotty about it i had brought with me a rock cake which i had pocketed while having tea with grandmama the day before now here's what you do you stretch the string tight between your two hands but you start by keeping it very short only about three inches you put the mouse on your right hand and a little piece of cake on your left hand the mouse is therefore only three inches away from the cake he can see it and he can smell it his whiskers twitch with excitement he can almost reach the cake by leaning forward but not quite he only has to take two steps along the string to reach this tasty morsel he ventures forward one pour on the string then the other if the mouse has a good sense of balance and most of them have he will get across easily i started with william he walked the string he walked the string without a moment's hesitation i let him have a quick nibble of the cake just to wet his appetite then i put him back on my right hand this time i lengthened the string i made it about six inches long william knew what to do now with superb balance he walked step by step along the string until he reached the cake he was rewarded with another nibble quite soon william was walking a 24 inch tight rope or rather tight string from one hand to the other to reach the cake it was wonderful to watch him he was enjoying himself tremendously i was careful to hold the string near the carpet so that if he did lose his balance he wouldn't have far to fall but he never fell william was obviously a natural acrobat a great tight rope walking mouse now it was mary's turn i put william on the carpet beside me and rewarded him with some extra crumbs and a current then i started going through the same routine all over again with mary my blinding ambition you see my dream of dreams was to become one day the owner of a white mouse circus i would have a small stage with red curtains in front of it and when the curtains were drawn apart the audience would see my world famous performing mice walking on tight ropes swinging from trapezes turning somersaults in the air bouncing on trampolines and all the rest of it i would have white mice riding on white rats and the rats would gallop furiously round and round the stage i was beginning to picture myself traveling first class all over the globe with my famous white mouse circus and performing before all the crowded heads of europe i was about halfway through mary's training when suddenly i heard voices outside the ballroom door the sound grew louder it swelled into a great babble of speech from many throats i recognized the voice of the awful hotel manager mr stringer help i thought but thank heavens for the huge screen i crouched behind it and peered through the crack between two of the folding sections i could see the entire length and width of the ball room without anyone seeing me well ladies i'm sure you would be quite comfortable in here mr stringer's voice was saying then in through the double doors he marched black tail coat and all spreading his arms wise as he wired as he ushered in a great flock of ladies if there is anything we can do for you do not hesitate to let me know he went on t will be served for all of you on the sunshine terrace after you have concluded your meeting with that he bowed and scraped himself out of the room as a vast herd of ladies from the royal society for the prevention of cruelty to children came streaming in they wore pretty clothes and all of them had hats on their heads the meeting now that the manager had gone i was not particularly alarmed what better than to be imprisoned in a room full of these splendid ladies if i ever got talking to them i might even suggest that they come and do a bit of cruelty to children preventing at my school we could certainly use them there in they came talking their heads off they began milling round and choosing their seats and there was a whole lot of stuff like come and sit next to me milly dear and oh hello beatrice i haven't seen you since the last meeting what an adorable dress you have on i decided to stare where i was and let them get on with their meeting while i got on with my mouse training but i watched them for a while longer through the crack in the screen waiting for them to settle down how many were there i guess about two hundred the back rows filled up first they all seemed to want to sit as far back from the platform as possible there was a lady wearing a tiny green hat in the middle of the back row who kept scratching the nape of her neck she couldn't leave it alone it fascinated me the way that her fingers kept stretching away at the hair on the back of her neck had she known someone was watching her from behind i'm sure she would have been embarrassed i wondered if she had dandruff all of a sudden i noticed that the lady next to her was doing the same thing and the next one and the next the whole lot of them were doing it they were all scratching away like mad at the hair on the backs of their necks did they have fleas in their hair more likely it was knits a boy at school called ashton had knits in his hair last term and the matron had made him dip his whole head in turpentine it killed the knits all right but it nearly killed ashton as well half the skin came away from his scalp i began to be fascinated by these hair scratching ladies it is always funny when you catch someone doing something course and she thinks no one is looking knows picking for example or scratching her bottom hair scratching is very nearly as unattractive especially if it goes on and on i decided it had to be knits then the most astonishing thing happened i saw one lady pushing her fingers up underneath the hair on her head and the hair the entire head of hair lifted upwards all in one piece and the hands slid underneath the hair and went on scratching she was wearing a wig she was also wearing gloves i glanced swiftly around at the rest of the now seated audience every one of them was wearing gloves my blood turned to ice i began to shake all over i glanced frantically behind me for a back door to escape through there wasn't one should i leap out from behind the screen and make a dash for the double doors those double doors were already closed and i could see a woman standing in front of them she was bending forward and fixing some sort of a metal chain around the two door handles keep still i told myself no one has seen you yet there's no reason in the world why they should come and look behind the screen but one false move one cough one sneeze one nose blow one little sound of any sort and it won't be just one witch that gets you it'll be two hundred at that point i think i fainted the whole thing was all together too much for a small boy to cope with but i don't believe i was out for more than a few seconds and when i came to i was lying on the carpet and i was still thank heavens behind the screen there was absolute silence all around me rather shakely i got to my knees and peered once again through the crack in the screen frizzled like a fritter all the women or rather the witches were now sitting motionless in their chairs and staring as though hypnotized at somebody who had suddenly appeared on the platform that somebody was another woman the first thing i noticed about this woman was her size she was tiny probably no more than four and a half feet tall she looked quite young i guess about 25 or six and she was very pretty she had on a rather stylish long black dress that reached right to the ground and she wore black gloves that came up to her elbows unlike the others she wasn't wearing a hat she didn't look to me like a witch at all but she couldn't possibly not be one otherwise what on earth was she doing up there on the platform and why for heaven's sake were all the other witches gazing at her in such a mixture of adoration or and fear very slowly the young lady on the platform raised her hands to her face i saw her gloved fingers unhooking something behind her ears and then then she caught hold of her cheeks and lifted her face clean away the whole of that pretty face came away in her hands it was a mask as she took off the mask she turned sideways and placed it carefully upon a small table nearby and when she turned around again and faced us i very nearly screamed out loud that face of hers was the most frightful and frightening thing i have ever seen just looking at it gave me the shakes all over it was so crumpled and wisened so shrunken and shriveled it looked as though it had been pickled in vinegar it was a fearsome and ghastly sight there was something terribly wrong with it something foul and putrid and decayed it seemed quite literally to be rotting away at the edges and in the middle of the face around the mouth and cheeks i could see the skin all cankered and worm eaten as though maggots were working away in there there are times when something is so frightful you become mesmerized by it and can't look away i was like that now i was transfixed i was numb i was magnetized by the sheer horror of this woman's features but there was more to it than that there was a look of serpents in those eyes of hers as they flashed around the audience i knew immediately of course that this was none other than the grand high witch herself i knew also why she had worn a mask she could never have moved around in public let alone booking at a hotel with her real face everyone who saw her would have run away screaming now i think she's german i'm sure she's got a german accent the doors shouted the grand high witch in a voice that filled the room and bounced around the walls are they chained and bolted the doors are chained and bolted your highness answered a voice in the audience the brilliant snake's eyes that were set so deep in that dreadful rotting worm eaten face glared unblinkingly at the witches who sat facing her you may remove your gloves she shouted her voice i noticed had that same hard metallic quality as the voice of the witch i had met under the conquer tree only it was far louder and much harsher it rasped it grated it snarled it scraped it shrieked and it growled everyone in the room was peeling off her gloves i was watching the hands of those in the back row i wanted very much to see what their fingers looked like and whether my grandmother had been right ah yes i could see several of them now i could see the brown claws curving over the tips of the fingers they were about two inches long those claws and sharp at the ends you may remove your shoes bark the grand high witch i heard a sign of relief going up from all the witches in the room as they kicked off their narrow high-heeled shoes and then i got a glimpse under the chairs of several pairs of stocking feet square and completely toeless revolting they were as though the toes had been sliced away from the feet with a carving knife hi angel wilson glad you could make it you may remove your wigs snail the grand high witch she had a peculiar way of speaking there was some sort of foreign accent there something harsh and guttural and she seemed to have trouble pronouncing the letter w as well as that she did something funny with the letter r she would roll it round and round her mouth like a piece of hot pork crackling before spitting it out remove your wigs and get some fresh air into your spotty scalps she shouted and another sigh of relief arose from the audience as all the hands went up to the heads of all the wigs and all the hats still on them were lifted away they now appeared in front of me row upon row of bald female heads a sea of naked scalps every one of them red and itchy looking from being rubbed by the lining of the wigs i simply cannot tell you how awful they were and somehow the whole site was made more grotesque because underneath those frightfully scabby bald heads the bodies were dressed in fashionable and rather pretty clothes it was monstrous it was unnatural oh heavens i thought oh help oh lord have mercy on me these foul bald-headed females are child killers every one of them and here i am imprisoned in the same room and i can't escape at that point a new and doubly horrifying thought struck me my grandmother had said that with their special nose holes they could smell out a child on on a pitch black night from right across the other side of the road up to now my grandmother had been right every time it seemed a certainty therefore that one of the witches in the back row was going to sniff me out at any moment and then the yell of dogs droppings would go up all over the room and i would be cornered like a rat i knelt on the carpet behind the screen hardly daring to breathe then suddenly i remembered another very important thing my grandmother had told me the dirty you are she had said the harder it is for a witch to smell you out how long since i had last had a bath not for ages i had had my own room in the hotel and my grandmother never bothered with silly things like that come to think of it i don't believe i'd had a bath since we arrived when had i last washed my hands or face certainly not this morning not yesterday either i glanced down at my hands they were covered with smudge and mud and goodness knows what else besides so perhaps i had a chance after all the stink waves couldn't possibly get out through all that dirt vici's of the inkland shouted the grand high witch she herself i noticed had not taken off either her wig or her gloves or her shoes veeches of inkland she yelled the audience stirred uneasily and sat up straighter in their miserable in their chairs miss rubble she yelled useless lazy feeble fribbling witches you are a heap of idle good for nothing worms a shadow went through the audience the grand high witch was clearly in an ugly mood and they knew it i had a feeling that something awful was going to happen soon i am having my breakfast this morning cried the grand high witch and i am looking out of the window at the beach and what am i seeing i am asking you what am i seeing i am seeing a revolting sight i'm seeing hundreds i am seeing thousands of rotten repulsive little children playing on the sand it is putting me right off my food why have you not got rid of them she screamed why have you not rubbed all of them out these filthy smelly children with each word she spoke flecks of pale blue phlegm shot from her mouth like little bullets i am asking you why she screamed nobody answered her question children smell she screamed they stink out the world we do not want these children around here the bald heads in the audience all nodded vigorously van chaldavik is no good to me the grand high witch cried out is that the best you can do we will do better murmured the audience we will do much better beta is no good either shriek the grand high witch i demand maximum results so here are my orders my orders are that every single tide in this country shall be rubbed out squashed skverted squitted and flitted before i come here again in one year's time do i make myself clear a great gas went up from the audience i saw the witches all looking at one another with deeply troubled expressions and i heard one witch at the end of the front row saying aloud all of them we can't possibly wipe out all of them the grand high witch ripped round as though someone had stuck a skewer into her bottom who said that she snapped who dares to argue with me it was you was it not she pointed a gloved finger as sharp as a needle at the witch who had spoken i didn't mean it your grandness the witch cried out i didn't mean to argue i was just talking to myself you dare to argue with me scream the grand high witch i was just talking to myself cried the wretched witch i swear at your grandness she began to shake with fear the grand high witch took a quick step forward and when she spoke again it was in a voice that made my blood run cold a stupid who answers back must burn until her bones are black she screamed no no begged the witch in the front row the grand high witch went on a foolish witch without a brain must sizzle in the fiery frame save me cried the wretched witch in the front row the grand high witch took no notice of her she spoke again an idiotic like you must roast upon the barbecue forgive me all your grandness cried the miserable culprit i didn't mean it but the grand high witch continued with her terrible recital a vich who dares to say i'm wrong will not be with us very long a moment later a stream of sparks that looked like tiny hot metal filings came shooting out of the grand high witch's eyes and flew straight towards the one who had dared to speak i saw the spike the sparks striking against her and burrowing into her and she screamed the horrible howling scream and a puff of smoke rose up around her a smell of burning meat filled the room nobody moved like me they were all watching the smoke and when it had cleared away the chair was empty i caught a glimpse of something wispy white like a little cloud fluttering upwards and disappearing out of the window a great sigh rose up from the audience the grand high witch glared around the room i hope nobody else is going to make me cross today she remarked there was a deathly silence frizzled like a freita said the grand high witch cooked like a carrot you will never see her again now we can get down to business formula 86 delayed action mouse maker children are revolting scream the grand high witch v [Music] we will vipe them away we will scrub them off the face of the earth we will flush them down the drain yes yes chanted the audience wipe them away scrub them off the earth flush them down the drain children are foul and filthy thundered the grand high witch they are they are chorus the english witches they are foul and filthy children are dirty and stinky scream the grand high witch dirty and stinky cried the audience getting more and more worked up children are smelling of dogs droppings screeched the grand high witch poo cried the audience they are versed and dogs droppings screech the grand high witch dogs droppings is smelling like violets and primroses compared with children violets and primroses chanted the audience they were clapping and cheering almost every word spoken from the platform the speaker seemed to have them completely under her spell to talk about children is making me sick scream the grand high witch i am feeling sick even sinking about them fetch me a basin the grand high witch paused and glared at the mass of eager faces in the audience they waited wanting more so now park the grand high witch so now i am having a plan i am having a giganticus plan for getting rid of every single triad in the hall of england the witches gasped they gaped they turned and gave each other ghoulish grins of excitement yes thundered the grand higher witch we shall swish them and swallow them and we shall make to disappear every single smelly little brat in england in one stroke whoopee crowd the witches clapping their hands you are brilliant oh your grandness you are fantabulous shut up and listen snap the grand high witch listen very carefully and let us not be having any mock-ups the audience leaned forward eager to hear how the magic was going to be performed each and every one of you funded the grand high witch is to go back to your hometowns immediately and resign from your drops resign give notice retire we will they cried we will resign from our jobs and after you have resigned from your jobs the grand high which went on each and every one of you will be going out and you will be buying she paused what would we be buying they cried tell us so brilliant one what is it we shall be buying sweet shops shouted the grand high witch sweet shops they cried we are going to buy sweet shops with a frumptuous wheeze each of you will be buying for herself a sweet shop you will be buying the very best and most respectable sweet shops in england we will we will they answered their dreadful voices were like a a chorus of dentist drills all grinding away together i am wanting no tapani happening crummy little tobacco selling newspapers feed shops shouted the grand high witch i am wanting you to get only the very best shops filled up high with powers and powers of luscious feets and tasty chocks the best they cried we shall buy the best sweet shops in town you will be having no trouble in getting what you want shouted the grand high witch because you will be offering four times as much as a shop is vert and nobody is refusing an offers like that money is not a problem to us which is as you know very well i have brought with me six trunks stuffed full of english banknotes all new and crisp and all of them she added with a fiendishly all of them homemade the witches in the audience grinned appreciating this joke at that point one foolish witch got so excited that the possibilities presented by owning a sweet shop that she leapt to her feed and shouted the children will come flocking to my shop and i will feed them poison sweets and poison chocks and wipe them all out like weasels the room became suddenly silent i saw the tiny body of the grand high witch stiffen and then go ridded with rigid with rage who spoke she shrieked it was you you over there the culprit sat down fast and covered her face with her clawed hands you blithering bumpkin screeched the grand high witch you brainless bug vampire are you not realizing that if you are going round poisoning little children you will be caught in five minutes flat never in my life am i hearing such bush walloping coming from a rich the entire audience cowered and shook i'm quite sure that they all thought as i did that the terrible white hot sparks were about to start flying again curiously enough they didn't if such a tom fiddling idea is all you can be coming up feed thunder the grand high witch then it is novanda inkland is still swarming with rotten little children there was another silence the grand high which glared at the witches in the audience do you not know she shouted at them that the vici's are working only with magic we know your grandness they all answered of course we know the grand high witch grated her bony gloved hand against each other and cried out so each of you is owning a magnificent swede shop the next move is that each of you will be announcing in the window of your shop that on a certain day you will be having a great gala opening with free sweets and chocks to every child that will bring them in the greedy little brutes cried the audience they'd be fighting to get through the doors next continue the grand high witch you will prepare yourselves for this great gala opening by filling every chalk and every seat in your shop with my very latest and greatest magic formula this is known as formula 86 delayed action mouse maker delayed action mouse maker they chanted she's done it again her grandness has concocted yet another of her wondrous magic child killers how do we make it oh brilliant one exercise patience answered the grand high witch first i am explaining to you how my formula 86 delayed action mouse maker is working listen carefully we are listening cried the audience who are now jumping up and down in their chairs with excitement delayed action mouse maker is a green liquid explain the grand high which and van droplet in each chalk or speed will be quiet enough so here is what happens child eats chalk which has in it delayed action mouse make a liquid child goes home feeling fine child goes to bed still feeling fine child wakes up in the morning still okay child goes to school still feeling fine formula you understand is delayed action and is not working yet we understand our brainy one cried the audience but when does it start working it is starting to work at exactly nine o'clock when the child is arriving at school shouted the grand high witch triumphantly child arrives at school laid action mouse maker immediately starts to work child starts to shrink child is starting to grow fur charred is starting to grow tail all is happening in precisely 26 seconds after 26 seconds child is not a child any longer it is a mouse a mouse cried the witches what a frumptuous thought classrooms will all be firming with mice shouted the grand high witch chaos and pandemonium will be raining in every school in england teachers will be hopping up and down women teachers will be standing on desks and holding up skirts and yelling help help help they will they will crowd the audience and vote shouted the grand high witch is happening next in every school tell us they cried tell us oh brainy one the grand high witch stretched her stringing neck forward and grinned at the audience showing two rows of pointed teeth slightly blue she raised her voice louder than ever and shouted mousetraps is coming out mousetraps cried the witches and ch and cheese shouted the grand high witch teachers is all rushing and running out and getting mouse traps and baiting them with cheese and putting them down all over school mice is nibbling cheese mouse traps is going off all over school mouse traps is going snap at the snap and mouse heads is rolling across floors like marbles all over inkland in every school in england noise of snapping mouse traps will be heard at this point the disgusting old grand high witch began to do a sort of witch's dance up and down the platform stamping her feet and clapping her hands the entire audience joined in the clapping and the foot stamping they were making such a tremendous racket that i thought surely mr stringer would hear it and come banging at the door but he didn't then above all the noise i heard the voice of the grand high witch screaming out some sort of an awful gloating song down with children do them in boil their bones and fry their skin bish them squish them bash them mash them break them shake them slash them smash them offer chokes with magic powder say eat up then say it louder cram them full of sticky eats send them home still guzzlings feets and in the morning little fools go marching off to separate schools and girls feel sick and goes all pale she yells hey look i've grown a tale a boy who's standing next to her screams help i think i'm growing fur another shouts we look like freaks they're viscous growing on our cheeks a boy who was extremely tall cries out what's wrong i'm growing small full tiny legs begin to sprout from everybody round about and all at once all in a thrice there are no children only mice in every school is my school or running around the school room floor and all the boards demented teachers is yelling hey who are these creatures they stand up on their desks and shout get out you filthy mouse get out will someone fetch some mousetraps please and don't forget to bring the cheese now mouse traps come and every trap goes snippy snip and snappy snap the mouse traps have a powerful spring the springs go crack and snap and ping it is lovely noise for us to hear is music to a witch's ear that mice is every place around piled two feet up upon the ground with teachers searching left and right but not a single child inside the teachers cry what's going on or they have all the children gone is half past nine and as a rule they're never late as this for school but teachers don't know what to do some sit and read and just a few amuse themselves throughout the day by sweeping all the mice away and all as witches shout hooray the recipe i hope you haven't forgotten that while all this was going on i was still stuck behind the screen on my hands and knees with one eye glued to the crack i don't know how long i had been there but it seemed like forever the worst part of it was not being allowed to cough or make a sound and knowing that if i did i was as good as dead and all the way through i was living in constant terror that one of the witches in the back row was going to get a whiff of my presence through those special nose holes of hers my only hope as i saw it was the fact that i hadn't washed for days that and the never-ending excitement and clapping and shouting that was going on in the room the witches were thinking of nothing except the grand high witch up there on the platform and her great plan for wiping out all the children of england they certainly weren't sniffing around for a child in the room in their wildest dreams if witches have dreams that would ever have occurred to any of them i st i kept still and prayed the grand high witch's dreadful gloating song was over now and the audience was clapping madly and shouting brilliant sensational marvelous you're a genius oh brainy one it is a thrilling invention this delayed action mouse maker it is a winner and the beauty of it is that the teachers will be the ones who bump off the stinking little children it won't be us doing it it will we shall never be caught witches are never caught snap the grand high witch attention now i want everybody's attention for i am about to be telling you what you must do to prepare formula 86 delayed action mouse maker suddenly there came a great gas from the audience this was followed by a hubbub of shrieking and yelling and i saw many of the witches leaping to their feet and pointing at the platform and crying out mice mice mice she's she's done it to show us the brainy one has turned two children into mice and there they are i looked towards the platform the mice were there all right two of them running around near the grand high witch's skirts but these were not filled mice or house spice or wood mice or harvest mice they were white mice i recognized them immediately as my own little william and mary my shouted the audience our leader has made mice to appear out of nowhere get the mouse traps fetch the cheese i saw the gran high witch peering down at the floor and staring with obvious puzzlement at william and mary she bent lower to get a closer look then she straightened up and shouted fired the audience became silent and sat down these mice are nothing to do with me she shouted these mice are pet mice these mice are quite obviously belonging to some repellent little child in the hotel a boy it will be for a certainty because girls are not keeping pet mice a boy cried the witches a filthy smelly little boy will swipe him we'll swizzle him we'll have his stripes for breakfast silence shutted the grand high witch raising her hands you know perfectly well you must do nothing to draw attention to yourselves why you are living in the hotel let us by all means get rid of this evil smelling little squirt but we must do it as quietly as possible for are we not all of us the most respectable ladies of the royal society for the prevention of cruelty to children what do you suggest they know brainy one they cried out how shall we dispose of this small pile of filth they're talking about me i thought these females are actually talking about how to kill me i began to sweat whoever he is he is not important announce the grand high witch leave him to me i shall smell him out and turn him into a mackerel and have him dished up for supper bravo cried the witches cut off his head and chop off his tail and fry him in hot butter you can imagine that none of this was making me feel very comfortable william and mary were still running around on the platform and i saw the grand high witch aim a swift running kick at william she caught him right on the right on the point of her toe and sent him flying she did the same to mary her aim was extraordinary she would have made a great football player both mice crashed against the wall and for a few moments they lay stunned then they got to their feet and scampered away attention again the grand high which was shouting i will now give to you the recipe for concocting formula 86 delayed action mouse maker get out pencils and paper handbags were opened all over the room and notebooks were fished out give us the recipe oh brainy one cried the audience impatiently tell us the secret first said the grand high witch i had to find something that would cause the children to becomes very small very quickly and what was that cried the audience that part was simple said the grand high witch all you have to do if you are wishing to make a child very small is to look at him through the wrong end of a telescope she's a wonder crowd the audience who else would have thought of a thing like that so you take the wrong end of a telescope continue the grand high witch and you boil it until it gets soft how long does that take they asked her 21 hours of boiling onto the grand high witch and wow this is going on you take exactly 45 brown mice and you chop off their tails with a carving knife and you fry the tails in hair oil until they are nice and crisp what do we do with all those mice who have had their tails chopped off ask the audience you simmer them in frog juice for one hour came the answer but listen to me so far i have only given you the easy part of the recipe the really difficult problem is to put in something that will have a genuine delayed action result something that can be eaten by children on a certain day but which will not start working on them until nine o'clock the next morning when they arrive at school what did you come up with oh brainy one they called out tell us the great secret the secret announced the grand high which triumphantly is an alarm clock an alarm clock they cried it's a stroke of genius of course it is said the grand high witch you can set a 24 hour alarm clock today and at exactly nine o'clock tomorrow it will go off but we will need five million alarm clocks crowd the audience we will need one for each child idiots shouted the grand high witch if you are wanting steak you do not cook the whole cow it is the same with alarm clocks one clock will make enough for a thousand children here is what you do you set your alarm clock to go off at nine o'clock tomorrow morning then you roast it in the oven until it is crisp and tender are you writing this down we are your grandness we are they cried next said the grand high witch you take your boyo telescope and your fried mouse tails and your cooked mice and your roasted alarm clock and all together you put them into the mixer then you mix them at full speed this will give you a nice thick paste while the mixer is still mixing you must add to it the yolk of van egg a gruntle's egg cried the audience we shall do that underneath all the clamour that was going on i heard one witch in the back row saying to her neighbor i'm getting a bit old to go birds nesting those ruddy gruntles always nest very high up so you'll mix in the egg the ground high witch went on and one after the other you're also mixing the following items the claw of a crab cruncher the beak of a blubber snitch the snout of a grobel skvert and the tongue of a cat springer i trust you are not having any trouble finding those none at all cried they all cried out we will spare the blabber snitch and trap the we will spare the blabber snitch and trap the crab cruncher and shoot the grubble squirt and catch the cat springer in his burrow excellent said the grand high witch then you have mixed everything together in the mixer you will have a most marvelous looking green liquid put one drop just one teacher droplet of this liquid into a chocolate or a sweet and at nine o'clock the next morning the child who ate it will turn into a mouse in 26 seconds but one word of warning never increase the dose never put more than one drop into each sweet or chocolate and never give more than one sweet or chocolate to each child an overdose of delayed action mouse maker will mess up the timing of the alarm clock and cause the child to turn into a mouse too early a large overdose might even have an instant effect and you wouldn't want that would you you wouldn't want the children turning into mice right there in your sweet shops that would give the game away so be very careful do not overdose [Music] bruno jenkins disappears the grand high witch was starting to talk again i am now going to prove to you she said that this recipe is working to perfect you understand of course that you can set the alarm clock to go off at any time you like it does not have to be nine o'clock so yesterday i am personally preparing a small quantity of the magic formula in order to give to you a public demonstration but i'm making one small change in a recipe before i am roasting the alarm clock i am setting it to go off not at nine o'clock the next morning but at half past three the next afternoon which means half past three this afternoon and that she said glancing at a rich wasp a rich wristwatch is in precisely seven minutes time the audience of witches was listening intently sensing that something dramatic was about to happen so what am i doing yesterday with this magic lakevid ask the grand high witch i will tell you what i am doing i am putting van droplet of it into a very squishy chocolate bar am i giving this bar to a repulsive smelly little boy who is hanging around the lobby of the hotel the grand high witch paused the audience remained silent waiting for her to go on i've watched this repulsive little brute gobbling up this fishy bar of chocolate and then he had finished i said to him was that good he said it was great so i said to him would you like some more and he said yes so i said i will give you six more chocolate bars like that if you will meet me in the ballroom of this hotel at 25 past three tomorrow afternoon six bars cry this greedy little spine i'll be there you better be there so the stage is set shouted the grand high witch the proof of the pudding is about to begin do not forget that before i am roasting the alarm clock yesterday i am setting it for half past three today it is now she glanced again at her watch it is now exactly 25 minutes past free and the nasty little stinker who will be turning into a mouse in five minutes time should at this very moment be standing outside the doors and by gum she was absolutely right the boy whoever he might be was already rattling the door handle and banging on doors with his fist kavik shrieked the grand high witch put on your wigs put on your gloves put on your shoes there was a great rustle and bustle of putting on wigs and gloves and shoes and i saw the grand high witch herself reached for her face mask and put it on over that revolting face of hers it was astonishing how that mask transformed her all of a sudden she became once again a rather pretty young lady let me in came the boy's voice from behind the doors where are those chocolate bars you promised me i'm here to collect dish them out he is not only smelly he is also greedy said the grand high witch remove the trains from the doors and let him come in the extraordinary thing about the mask was that the was that it lips its lips moved quite naturally when she spoke you really couldn't see it was a mask at all one of the witches leapt to her feet and unfastened the chains she opened the two huge doors then i heard her saying why hello little man how lovely to see you you have come for your chocolate bars have you not they are all ready for you do come in a small boy wearing a white t-shirt and grey shorts and gym shoes entered the room i recognized him at once he was called bruno jenkins and he was staying in the hotel with his parents i didn't care for him he was one of those boys who is always eating something whenever you meet him meet him in the hotel lobbing lobby and he is stuffing sponge cake into his mouth pass him in the corridor and he is fishing potato crisps out of a bag by the fistful catch sight of him in the hotel garden and he is wolfing a dairy milk bar and has two more sticking out of his trouser pocket what's more bruno never stopped boasting about how his father made more money than my father and that they owned three cars but worse than that yesterday morning i found him kneeling on the flagstones of the hotel terrace with a magnifying glass in his hand there was a column of ants marching across one of the flagstones and bruno jenkins was focusing the sun through his magnifying glass and roasting the ants one by one i like watching them burn he said that's horrible i cried stop doing it let's see you stop me he said at that point i had pushed him with all my might and he had crashed sideways onto the flagstones his magnifying glass had splintered into many pieces and he had leapt up shrieking my father's going to get you for this then he had run off presumably to find his wealthy dad that was the last time i had seen bruno jenkins until now i doubted very much that he was about to be turned into a mouse although i must confess that i was secretly hoping it might happen either way i didn't envy him being up there in front of all those witches darling boy cooed the grand high witch from up on the platform i have your chocolates all ready for you do come up here first and say hello to all these lovely ladies her voice was quite different now it was soft and gentle and absolutely dripping with syrup bruno was looking a bit bewildered but he allowed himself to be led up onto the platform where he stood beside the grand high witch and said okay where are my six bars of chocolate i saw the witch who had let him in quietly put in the chain back on the door handles bruno didn't notice this he was too busy asking for his chocolate the time is now one minute before half past free announced the grand high witch what the heck is going on bruno asked he wasn't frightened but he wasn't looking exactly comfortable either what is this he said give me my chocolate 30 seconds to go cried the grand high witch gripping bruno by the arm bruno shook himself clear and stared at her she stared back at him smiling with the lips of her mask every witch in the audience was staring at bruno 20 seconds cried the grand high witch give me the chocolate shouted bruno becoming suddenly suspicious give me the chocolate and let me out of it 15 seconds cried the grand high witch will one of you crazy punks kindly tell me what this is about charlie bruno 10 seconds cried the grand high which 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 we have ignition i could have sworn i heard an alarm clock ringing i saw bruno jump he jumped as though someone had stuck a hat pin deep into his bottom and he yelled ow he jumped so high that he landed on a small table up there on the stage and he started hopping about on the top of this table waving his arms and yelling his head off then suddenly he became silent his whole body stiffened the alarm has gone off shrink the grand high witch the mouse maker is beginning to work she started hopping about on the platform and clapping her gloved hands together and then she shouted out this smelly brat this filthy scum this horrid little house will very very soon become a lovely little mouse bruno was getting smaller by the second i could see him shrinking now his clothes seem to be disappearing and brown fur was growing all over his body suddenly he had a tail and then he had whiskers now he had four feet it was all happening so quickly it was a matter of seconds and then all at once he wasn't there anymore a small brown mouse was running around on the tabletop bravo yelled the audience she's done it it works it's fantastic it's colossal it's the greatest yet you are a miracle old brainy one they're all standing up huh standing up and clapping and cheering and the grand high witch produced a mousetrap from the folds of her dress and started to set it oh no i thought i don't want to see this bruno jenkins may have been bit of a stinker but i'm dashed if i want to watch him having his head chopped off there is he snapped the grand high witch searching the platform where has that mouse got to she couldn't find him clever bruno must have jumped down off the table and scampered off into some corner or even down a small hole thank heavens for that it matters not shouted the grand high witch silence and sit down i'm glad you're all enjoying it it's getting interesting now the ancient ones the grand high witch stood on the very center of the platform and those dangerous eyes of hers traveled slowly around the audience of witches who were sitting so meekly before her all those over 70 put up your hands she barked suddenly seven or eight hands went up in the air it comes to me said the grand high witch that you ancient vans will not be able to climb high trees in search of grandel's eggs we won't your grandest we are afraid we won't chanted the ancient ones nor will you be able to catch the crab cruncher who lives high up on rocky cliffs the grand high which went on i can't exactly see you sprinting after the speedy cat springer either or diving into deep waters to spear the blabber snitch or striding the bleak moose with a gun under your arm to shoot the global squirt you are too old and feeble for those things we are chanting the ancient ones we are we are your ancient ones have served me veil over many years said the grand high witch and i do not wish to deny you the pleasure of bumping off a few thousand children each just because you have become old and fillable feeble i have therefore prepared personally with my own hands a limited quantity of delayed action mouse maker which i will distribute to the ancient funds before you leave the hotel oh thank you thank you cried the old witches you are far too good for us your grandness you are so kind and thoughtful here is a sample of what i am giving you shouted the grand high witch she fished around in a pocket of a dress and brought out a very small bottle she held it up and shouted in this tiny bottle is 500 doses of mouse maker is enough to turn 500 children into mice i could see that the bottle was made of dark blue glass and that it was very small about the same size as the ones you can buy at the chemist with nose drops in them each of your ancient vines will get two of these bottles she shouted thank you thank you almost generous and thoughtful one chorus the ancient witches not one drop will be wasted each of us will promise to squish and swallow up and squiggle one thousand children our meeting is over announce the grand high witch here is the time table for the remainder of your stay in this hotel right now we must all go out to the sunshine terrace and have tea with that ridiculous manager next at six o'clock tonight those witches who are too old to climb trees after grand those eggs will report to my room to receive two bottles each of mouse maker my room number is 454 do not forget it then at eight o'clock all of you would assemble in the dining room for supper we are the lovely ladies of rspcc and they are setting up two long tables especially for us but do not forget to put the cotton plugs up your noses that dining room will be full of filthy little children and without the nose plugs this thing will be unbearable apart from that remember to behave normally at all times is any is everything clear any questions i have one question your gran said a voice in the audience what happens in one or if one of the chocolates we are giving away in our shops gets eaten by a grown up that's too bad for the grown up said the grand high witch this meeting is over she shouted out you go the witches stood up and began gathering their things together i was watching them through the crack and hoping to heaven they would hurry up and leave so that i might be safe at last wait shrieked one of the witches in the back row hold everything her shrieking voice echoed through the ballroom like a trumpet all the witches suddenly stopped and turned and looked towards the speaker she was one of the taller witches and i could see her standing there with her head tilted back and her nose in the air and she was sucking in great long breaths of air through those curvy pink sea shelly nostrils of hers wait she shouted again what is it the others cried out dogs droppings she yelled just then i got a whiff of dogs droppings surely not the others shouted there couldn't be yes yes shouting the first switch there it is again it's not strong but it's there i mean it's here it's definitely somewhere not too far away what's going on down there shouted the grand high witch glaring down from the platform mildred's got a whiff of dogs droppings your grandness someone call back to her void rubbish is this shutted the ground high witch she has dogs droppings on the brain there are no children in this room hang on hang on cried the witch called mildrig hang on everybody don't move i'm getting it again her huge curvy nose holes were waving in and out like a pair of fishtails it's getting stronger it's hitting me harder now can the rest of you smell it all the noses of all the witches in that room went up in the air and all those nostrils began to suck and sniff she's right cried another voice she's absolutely right dogs dropping it is strong and foul hello desiree 100 and noneesa books and everyone hi she's right quite another boy she's absolutely right dog's dropping it is strong and foul in a matter of seconds the entire assembly of witches had taken up the dreaded cry of dogs droppings dogs droppings they shouted the room is full of it poo poo why did we not smell it before it stinks like a sewer some little swine must be hiding not so very far away from here find it scream the grand high witch track it down route it out follow your noses till you get it the hairs on my head were standing up like bristles of a nail brush and a cold sweat was breaking out all over me let out this lump this small lump of tongue screech the grand high witch don't let it escape if it is in here it has observed the most secret rings it must be exterminated immediately [Music] metamorphosis i remember thinking to myself there is no escape for me now even if i make a run for it and manage to dodge the lot of them i still won't get out because the doors are chained locked i'm finished i'm done for oh grandmama what are they going to do to me i looked round and saw a hideous painted and powdered face witch's face staring down at me and the face opened its mouth and yelled triumphantly it's here it's behind the screen come and get it the witch reached out a gloved hand and grabbed me by the hair but i twisted free and jumped away i ran oh how i ran the sheer terror of it all put wings on my feet i flew around the outside of the great ballroom and not one of them had a chance of catching me as i came level with the doors i paused and tried to open them but the big chain was on them and they didn't even rattle the witches were not bothering to chase me they simply stood there in small groups watching me and knowing for certain that there was no way i could escape several of them were holding their noses with gloved fingers and there were cries of poo what a stink we can't stand this much longer catch it catch it then you idiots scream the grand high witch from up on the platform spread out in a line across the room and close in on it and grab it corner just fill the little gumball and seize it and bring it up here to me the witches spread out as they were told they advanced towards me some from one end some from the other and some came down the middle between the rows of empty chairs they were bound to get me now they had me cornered from sheer and absolute terror i began to scream help i screamed turning my head towards the doors in the hope that somebody outside might hear me help help help get it shouted the grand high witch grab hold of it stop it yelling they rushed at me then and about five of them grabbed me by the arms and legs and lifted me clear off the ground i went on screaming but one of them clapped a gloved hand over my mouth and that stopped me bring it here shouted the grand high witch bring bring the spying little verm up here to me i was carried onto the platform with my arms and legs held tight by many hands and i lay there suspended in the air facing the ceiling i saw the grand high witch standing over me grinning at me in the most horrible way she held up the small blue bottle of mouse maker and she said now for a little medicine hold his nose to make him open his mouth strong fingers pinched my nose i kept my mouth closed tight and held my breath but i couldn't do it for long my chest was bursting i opened my mouth to get one quick breath of air and as i did so the grand height i opened my mouth to get one quick breath of air and as i did so the grand high witch poured the entire contents of the little bottle down my throat oh the pain and the fire it felt as though a kettle full of boiling water had been poured into my mouth my throat was going up in flames then very quickly the frightful burning searing scorching feeling started spreading down into my chest and into my tummy and on and on into my arms and legs and all over my body i screamed and screamed but once again the gloved hand was clapped over my lips the next thing i felt was my skin beginning to tighten how else can i describe it it was quite literally a tightening and shrinking of the skin all over my body from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers to the ends of my toes i felt as though i was a balloon and somebody was twisting the top of the balloon and twisting and twisting and the balloon was getting smaller and smaller and the skin was getting tighter and tighter and soon it was going to burst then the squeezing began this time i was inside a suit of iron and someone was turning a screw and with each turn of the screw the iron suit became smaller and smaller so that i was squeezed like an orange into a pulpy mess with the juice running out of my sides after that there came a fierce prickling sensation all over my skin or what was left of my skin as though tiny needles were forcing their way out through the surface of the skin from the inside and this i realized now was the growing of the mouse fur far away in the distance i heard the voice of the grand high wit gelling 500 doses this stinking little car bunker has had 500 doses of the alarm clock has been smashed and now we are having instantaneous action i heard clapping and cheering and i remember thinking i'm not myself any longer i have gone clear out of my own skin i noticed that the floor was only an inch from my nose i noticed also a pair of furry front paws resting on the floor i was able to move those paws they were mine at that moment i realized that i was not a little boy any longer i was a mouse now for the mouse to rap i heard the grand high witch yelling i've got it i've got it right here and here's a piece of cheese but i wasn't going to wait for that i was off across the platform like a streak of lightning i was astonished at my own speed i leapt over witch's feet right and left and in no time at all i was down the steps and onto the floor of the ballroom itself and skittering off among the rows of chairs what i especially liked was the fact that i made no sound at all as i ran i was a swift and silent mover and quite amazingly the pain had all gone now i was feeling quite remarkably well it is not a bad thing after all i thought to myself to be tiny as well as speedy when there is a bunch of dangerous females after your blood i selected the back leg of a chair and squeezed up against it and kept very still in the distance the grand high witch was shouting leave the little stink butt alone it is not vert bothering about it is only a mouse now somebody else will soon catch it let us get out of here the meeting is over unlock the doors and shove off to the sunshine terrace to have tea with that idiotic manager oh bruno i peeked round the leg of the chair and watched the hundreds of witch's feet walking out through the doors of the ballroom when they had all gone and the place was absolutely silent i began to move cautiously about on the floor suddenly i remembered bruno he must surely be around here somewhere too bruno i called out i wasn't seriously expecting that i would be able to speak at all now that i had become a mouse so i got the shock of my life when i heard my own voice my own perfectly normal rather loud voice coming out from my tiny mouth it was wonderful i was thrilled i tried it again bruno jenkins where are you i called out if you can hear me give me a shout my voice was exactly the same and just as loud as it had been when i was a boy hey there bruno jenkins i called out where are you there was no answer i put it about between the seat legs trying to get used to being so close to the ground i decided i rather liked it you are probably wondering why i wasn't depressed at all i found myself thinking what's so wonderful about being a little boy anyway why is that necessarily any better than being a mouse i know that mice get hunted and they sometimes get poisoned or caught in traps but little boys sometimes get killed too little boys can be run over by motor cars or they can die of some awful illness little boys have to go to school mice don't mice don't have to pass exams mice don't have to worry about money mice as far as i can see have only two enemies humans and cats my grandmother is a human but i know for certain that she will always love me whoever i am and she never thanks goodness keeps a cat when mice grow up they don't ever have to go to war and fight against other mice mice i felt pretty certain all like each other people don't yes i told myself i don't think it is at all bad thing to be a mouse i was wondering around the ballroom floor thinking about all this when i spotted another mouse it was crouching on the floor holding a piece of bread in its front paws and nibbling away at it with great gusto it had to be bruno hello bruno i said he glanced up at me for about two seconds then went right on guzzling what have you found i asked him one of them dropped he answered is a fish paste sandwich pretty good he spoke with a perfectly normal voice one would have expected that her mouse if it was going to talk at all would do so with the smallest and squeakiest voice you could imagine it was terrifically funny to hear the voice of a rather loud mouthed bruno coming out of that tiny mouse's throat listen bruno i said now that we're both mice i think we ought to start thinking a bit about the future he stopped eating and stared at me with small black eyes what do you mean we he said the fact that you're a mouse has nothing to do with me but you're a mouse too bruno don't be a fool he said i'm not a mouse i'm afraid you are bruno i most certainly am not he shouted why are you insulting me i haven't been rude to you why do you call me a mouse don't you know what's happened to you i said what on earth are you talking about bruno said i have to inform you i said that not very long ago the witches turned you into a mouse then they did it to me you're lying he cried i'm not a mouse if you hadn't been so busy gardening that sandwich i said you would have noticed your hairy paws take a look at them bruno looked down at his paws he jumped good grief he cried i am a mouse you wait till my father hears about this he may think it's an improvement i said i don't want to be a mouse bruno shouted jumping up and down i refuse to be a mouse i'm bruno jenkins there are worse things to be than being a mouse i said you can live in a hole i don't want to live in a hole bruno shouted and you can creep into the ladder at night i said and nibble through all the packets of raisins and cornflakes and chocolate biscuits and everything else you can find you can stay there all night eating yourself silly that's what mice do now that's a thought bruno said perking up a bit but how am i going to open the door of the fridge to get the cold chicken and all the leftovers that's something i do every evening at home maybe your rich father will get you a special little mouse fridge all to yourself i said one that you can open you say a witch did this to me bruno said which witch the one who gave you the chocolate bar in the hotel lobby yesterday i told him don't you remember the filthy old cow he shouted i'll get her for this where is she who is she forget it i said you don't have a hope your biggest problem at the moment is your parents how are they going to take this will they treat you with sympathy and kindness bruno considered this for a moment i think he said that my father is going to be a bit put out [Applause] and your mother she's terrified of mice bruno said then you've got a problem haven't you why only me he said what about you my grandmother will understand perfectly i said she knows all about witches bruno took another bite of his sandwich what do you suggest he said i suggest we both go first of all and consult my grandmother i said she'll know exactly what to do i moved towards the doors which were standing open bruno still grasping the part of the sandwich in one pour followed after me when we got out into the corridor i said we're going to run like mad stick close to the wall and all the way and follow me do not walk and do not let anyone see you don't forget that just about anyone who catches sight of you will try to kill you i snatched the sandwich out of his paws and threw it away here goes i said keep behind me you're welcome matea or mataja you're very welcome hello grandmama as soon as i was out of the ballroom i took off like a flash i streaked down the corridor went through the lounge and the reading room and the library and the drawing room and came up to the stairs up the stairs i went jumping quite easily from one to the other keep him well in against the wall all the time are you with me bruno i whispered right here he said my grandmother's room and my own were on the fifth floor it was quite a climb but we made it without meeting a single person on the way because everyone was using the lift on the fifth floor i raced along the corridor to the door of my grandmother's room a pair of her shoes were standing outside the door to be cleaned bruno was alongside me what do we do now he said suddenly i caught sight of a chambermaid coming along the corridor towards us i saw at once that she was the one who had reported me to the manager for keeping white mice not therefore the sort of person i wanted to meet in my present condition quick i said to bruno hide in one of those shoes i hopped into one shoe and bruno hopped into the other i waited for the maid to walk past us she didn't when she came to the shoes she bent down and picked them up in doing this she put her right hand right inside the one i was hiding in when one of her fingers touched me i bit it it was a silly thing to do but i did it instinctively without thinking the maid let out a scream that must have been heard by ships far out in the english channel and she dropped the shoes and ran like the wind down the corridor my grandmother's door opened what on earth is going on out here she said i darted between her legs into the room and bruno followed me close the door grandmamar i cried please hurry she looked around and saw two small brown mice on the carpet please close it i said and this time she actually saw me talking and recognized my voice she froze and became absolutely motionless every part of her body her fingers and hands and arms and head became suddenly as stiff as a marble statue her face turned even paler than marble and her eyes were stretched so wide i could see the whites all around them then she started to tremble i thought she was going to faint and fall over please close the door quickly grandmama i said that awful maid might come in she somehow managed to gather herself together enough to close the door she leans against it staring down at me white-faced and shaking all over i saw tears beginning to come out of her eyes and go dribbling down her cheeks don't cry grandmama i said things could be a lot worse i did get away from them i'm still alive so is bruno very slowly she bent down and picked me up with one hand then she picked bruno up with the other hand and put us both on the table there was a bowl of bananas in the center of the table and bruno jumped straight into it and began tearing away with his teeth at one of the banana skins to get at the fruit inside my grandmother grasped the left arm my grandmother grasped the arm of her chair to steady herself but her eyes never left me sit down dear grandmama i said she collapsed into her chair oh my darling she murmured and now the tears were really streaming down her cheeks oh my poor sweet darling what have they done to you i know what they've done grandmama and i know what i am but the funny thing is that i don't honestly feel especially bad about it i don't even feel angry in fact i feel rather good i know i'm not a boy any longer and i'll never will be again but i'll be quite all right as long as there's always you to look after me i was not just trying to console her i was being absolutely honest about the way i felt you may think it odd that i wasn't weeping myself it was odd i simply can't explain it of course i'll look after you my grandmother moment who is the other one that was a boy called bruno jenkins i told her they got him first my grandmother took a new long black cigar out of a case in her handbag and put it in her mouth then she got out a box of matches she struck a match but her fingers were shaking so much that the flame kept missing the end of the cigar when she got it lit at last she took a long pull and sucked in the smoke that seemed to calm her down a bit where did it happen she whispered where is the witch now is she in the hotel grandma mara i said it wasn't just one it was hundreds they're all over the place they're right here in the hotel this very moment she leaned forward and stared at me you don't mean you don't actually mean you don't mean to tell me they're holding the annual meeting right here in the hotel they've held it grandmama it's finished i heard it all and all of them including the grand high witch herself are downstairs now they're pretending they're the royal society for the prevention of cruelty to children they're all having tea with the manager and they caught you they smelt me out i said dogs dropping was it she said sighing i'm afraid so but it wasn't strong they very nearly didn't smell me because i hadn't had a bath for ages children should never have baths my grandmother said it's a dangerous habit i agree grandmama she pours sucking at her cigar do you really mean to tell me that they are now all downstairs having tea she said i'm certain of it grandmama there was another pause i could see the old glint of excitement slowly coming back into my grandmother's eyes and all of a sudden she sat up very straight in her chair and said sharply tell me everything right from the beginning and please hurry i took a deep breath and began to talk i told her about going to the ballroom and hiding behind the screen to do my mouse training i told about the notice saying royal society for the prevention of cruelty to children i told her all about the women coming in and sitting down and about the small woman who appeared on the stage and took off her mask but when it came to describing what her face looked like underneath the mask i simply couldn't find the right words it was horrible grandmama i said oh it was so horrible it was it was like something that was going rotten go on my grandmother said don't stop then i told her about all the others taking off their wigs and their gloves and their shoes and how i saw before me a sea of bald pimply heads and how the women's fingers had little claws and how their feet had no toes my grandmother had come forward now in her armchair so that it was she was sitting right on the edge of it both her hands were cupped over the gold knob of the stick that she always used when walking and she was staring at me with eyes as bright as two stars then i told her how the grand high witch had shot out the fiery white hot sparks and how they had turned one of the other witches into a puff of smokes i've heard about that my grandmother cried out excitedly but i never quite believed it you are the first non-witch ever to see it happening it is the grand high which is most famous punishment it is known as getting fried and all of the other witches are petrified of having it done to them i'm told that the grand high witch makes it a rule to fry at least one witch at each annual meeting she does it in order to keep the rest of them on their toes but they don't have any toes grandmama i know they don't my darling but please go on so then i told my grandmother about the delayed action mouse maker and when i came to the bit about turning all the children of england into mice she actually leapt out of her chair shouting i knew it i knew they were brewing up something tremendous we've got to stop them i said she turned and stared at me you can't stop witches she said just look at the power that terrible grand high witch has in her eyes alone she could kill any of us at any time with those white hot sparks of us you saw it yourself even so grandmama we've still got to stop her from turning all the children of england into mice you haven't quite finished she said tell me about bruno how did they get him so i described how bruno jenkins had come in and how i had actually seen him with my own eyes being shrunk into a mouse my grandmother looked at bruno who was guzzling away in the bowl of bananas does he never stop eating she asked never i said can you explain something to me grandmama i'll try she said she reached out and lifted me off the table and put me on her lap very gently she began stroking the soft fur along my back it felt nice what is it you want to ask me my darling she said the thing i don't understand i said is how bruno and i are still able to talk and think just as we did before it's quite simple my grandmother said all they've done is to shrink you and give you four legs and a furry coat but they haven't been able to change you into a 100 mouse you are still yourself in everything except your appearance you've still got your own mind and your own brain and your own voice and thank goodness for that so i'm not really an ordinary mouse at all i said i'm a sort of mouse person quite right she said you are a human in a mouse's clothing you are very special we sat there in silence for a few moments while my grandmother went on stroking me very gently with one finger and puffing her cigar with the other hand the only sound in the room was made by bruno as he attacked the bananas in the bowl but i wasn't doing nothing but i wasn't doing nothing as i lay there on her lap i was thinking like mad my brain was whizzing at it as it had never whizzed before grandmama i said i may have a bit of an idea yes my darling what is it the grand high witch told them her room was number 454 right right she said well my room number is five five four mine five five four is on the fifth floor so hers four five four will be on the fourth floor that is correct my grandmother said then don't you think it's possible that room four five four is directly underneath room 554 that's more than likely she said these modern hotels are built like boxes of bricks but what if it is would you please take me out onto the balcony so i can look down i said all the rooms in the hotel magnificent had small private balconies my grandmother carried me through into my own bedroom and out onto my balcony we both peered down to the balcony immediately below now if that is her room i said then i'll bet i could climb down there somehow and get in and get caught all over again my grandmother said i won't allow it at this moment i said all the witches are down on the sunshine terrace having tea with the manager the grand high witch probably won't be back until six o'clock or just before that's when she's going to dish out supplies of that foul formula to the ancient ones who are too old to climb trees after gruntle's eggs and what if you did manage to get into her room my grandmother said what then then i should try to find the place where she keeps her supply of the laid action mouse maker and if i succeeded then i would steal one bottle and bring it back here could you carry it i think so i said it's a very small bottle i'm frightened of that stuff my grandmother said what would you do with it if you did manage to get it one bottle is enough for 500 people i said that would give each and every witch down there a double dose at least we could turn them all into mice my grandmother jumped about an inch in the air we were out on the balcony and there was a drop of about a million feet below us and i very nearly bounced out of her hand over the railings when she jumped be careful with me grandmama i said what an idea she cried it's fantastic it's tremendous you're a genius my darling wouldn't it be something i said wouldn't that really be something we'd get rid of every witch in england in one swoopy cried and the grand high witch into the bargain we've got to try it i said listen she said nearly dropping me over the balcony once again in her excitement if we brought this off it would be the greatest triumph in the whole history of witchery there's a lot of work to do i said of course there's a lot of work to do she said just for a start supposing you did manage to get hold of one of those bottles how would you get it into their food we'll work that out later i said let's try the stuff let's try to get the stuff first how can we find out for sure if that's her room just below us we shall check it out immediately my grandmother cried come along there's not a second to waste carrying me in one hand she went bustling out of the bedroom and along the corridor banging her stick on the carpet with each step she took we went down the stairs one flight to the fourth floor the bedrooms on either side of the corridor had the numbers painted on the doors in gold here it is my grandmother cried number 454 she tried the door it was locked of course she looked up and down the long empty hotel corridor i do believe you're right she said this room is almost certainly directly below yours she marched back along the corridor counting the number of doors from the grand high witch's room to the staircase there were six we climbed back up to the fifth floor and repeated the exercise she is directly by you my grandmother cried out her room is right below yours she carried me back into my own bedroom and went out once again onto the balcony that's her balcony down there she said and what's more the door from her balcony into her bedroom is wide open how are you going to climb down i don't know i said our rooms were in the front of the hotel and they looked down onto the beach in the sea immediately below my balcony thousands of feet below i could see a fence of spiked railings if i fell i'd be a goner i've got it my grandmother cried with me in her hand she rushed back into her own room and began rummaging in the chest of drawers she came out with a ball of blue knitting wool one end of it was attached to some needles and a half finished shock she had been knitting for me this is perfect she said i shall put you in the sock and lower you down onto the grand high witch's balcony but we must hurry any moment now that monster will be returning to her room hey joanne i'm glad you enjoy the book and it's one of your favorites and yeah i think um royal doll often creates powerful and close relationships between the main character and some adult and it's nothing often not the parents is sometimes a grandparent or just some other some other adult so very interesting um [Music] the mouse burglar my grandmother hustled me back into my own bedroom and out onto the balcony are you ready she asked i'm going to put you in the sock now i hope i can manage this i said i'm only a little mouse your manager she said good luck my darling she put me into the sock and started luring me over the balcony i crouched inside the sock and held my breath through the stitches i could see out quite clearly miles below me the children playing on the beach were the size of beetles the socks started swinging in the breeze i looked up and saw my grandmother's head sticking out over the railings of the balcony above you're nearly there she called out here we go gently does it you're down i felt a slight bump in you go my grandmother was shouting hurry hurry hurry search the room i jumped out of the sock and ran into the grand high witch's bedroom there was the same musty smell about the place that i had noticed in the ballroom it was the stench of witches it reminded me of the smell inside the men's public lavatory at our local railway station as far as i could see the room was tidy enough there was no sign anywhere that it was inhabited by anyone but an ordinary person but there but there wouldn't be would there no which would be stupid enough to leave anything suspicious lying around for the hotel made to see suddenly i saw a frog jumping across the carpet and disappearing under the bed i jumped myself hurry up came my grandmother's voice from somewhere high up outside grab the stuff and get out i started skittering around and trying to search the room that wasn't so easy i couldn't for example open any of the drawers i couldn't open the doors of the big wardrobe either i stopped skittering about i sat in the middle of the floor and had to think if the grand high witch wanted to hide something top secret where would she put it certainly not in any ordinary drawer not in the wardrobe either it was too obvious i jumped up onto the bed to get a better view of the room hey i thought what about under the mattress very carefully i lowered myself over the edge of the bed and wormed my way underneath the mattress i had to push forward hard to make any headway but i kept at it i couldn't see a thing i was scrabbling about under the mattress when my head suddenly bumped against something hard inside the mattress above me i reached up and felt it with my paw could it be a little bottle it was a little bottle i could trace the shape of it through the cloth of the mattress and right alongside it i felt another hard lump and another and another the grand high witch must have slit open the mattress and put all the bottles inside and then soon it hole up again i began tearing away frantically at the mattress cloth above my head with my teeth my front teeth were extremely sharp and it didn't take me long to make a small hole i climbed into the hole and grabbed a bottle by the neck i pushed it down through the hole into the mattress and in the mattress and climbed out after it walking backwards and dragging the bottle behind me i managed to reach the edge of the mattress i rolled the bottle off the bed onto the carpet it bounced but it didn't break i jumped down off the bed i examined a little bottle it was identical to the one the grand high witch had had in the ballroom there was a label on this one formula 86 it said delayed action mouse maker then it said this bottle contains 500 doses eureka i felt tremendously pleased with myself three frogs came hopping out from under the bed they crouched on the carpet staring at me with large black eyes i stared back at them those huge eyes were the saddest thing i had ever seen it suddenly occurred to me that almost certainly once upon a time they had been children those frogs before the grand high witch had got hold of them i stood there clutching the bottle and staring at the frogs who are you i asked them at that exact moment i heard a key turning in the lock of the door and the door burst open and the grand high witch swept into the room the frogs jumped underneath the bed again in one quick hop i darted after them still clutching the bottle and i ran back against the wall and squeezed in behind one of the bed posts i heard feet walking on the carpet i peeped round the bedpost the three frogs were clustered together under the middle of the bed frogs cannot hide like mice they cannot run like mice either all they can do poor things is to hop about rather clumsily suddenly the grand high witch's face came into view peering under the bed i put my head back behind the bedpost so there you are my little froggies i heard her saying you can stay there you are until i go to bed tonight then i shall throw you out of the window and the seagulls can have you for supper suddenly very loud and clear there came the sound of my grandmother's voice through the open balcony door hurry up by darling it shouted do hurry up you better come out quickly who is calling snapped the grand high witch i peeked round the bed host again and saw her walking across the carpet to the balcony door who is this on my balcony she muttered who is it who dares to trespass on my balcony she went through the door to the balcony itself what is this knitting wool hanging down here i heard her saying oh hello okay my grandmother's voice i just dropped my knitting over the balcony by mistake but it's all right i've got hold of one end of it i can pull it up by myself thank you all the same i marveled at the coolness of a voice who were you talking to just now snap the grand thai witch whoever you're telling to hurry up and come out quickly i was talking to my little grandson i heard my grandmother saying he's been in the bathroom for hours and it's time he came out he sits in there reading books and he forgets completely where he is do you have any children my dear i do not shouted the grand high witch and she came quickly back into the bedroom slamming the balcony door behind her i was cooked my escape route was closed i was shut up in the room with the grand high witch and three terrified frogs i was just as terrified as the frogs i was quite sure that if i was spotted i would be caught and thrown out over the balcony for the seagulls there came a knock on the bedroom door what is this what is it this time shouted the grand high witch it is we ancient ones said a meek voice from behind the door it is six o'clock and we have come to collect the bottles that you promised us oh your grandness i saw her crossing the carpet towards the door the door was opened and then i saw a whole lot of feet and shoes beginning to enter the room they were coming in slowly and hesitantly as though the owners of those shoes were frightened of entering come in come in snap the grand high witch do not stand out there dithering in the corridor i don't have all night i saw my chance i jumped out from behind the bedpost and ran like lightning towards the open door i jumped over several pairs of shoes on the way and in three seconds i was out in the corridor still clutching the precious bottle close to my chest no one had seen me there were no shouts of mouse mouse all i could hear were the voices of the ancient witches burbling their silly sentences about how kind your grandness is and all the rest of it i went scampering down the corridor to the stairs and up one flight i went to the fifth floor and then along the corridor again until i came to the door of my own bedroom thank goodness there was no one in sight using the the bottom of the little bottle i began tap tap tapping on the door tap tap tap tap i went tap tap tap tap tap tap would my grandmother hear me i thought that she must the bottle made quite a loud tap each time it struck tap tap tap tap tap tap just so long as nobody came along the corridor but the door didn't open i decided to take a risk grandmama i shouted as loudly as i possibly could grandmama it's me let me in i heard her feet coming across the carpet and the door opened i went in like an arrow i've done it i cried jumping up and down i've got it grandmama look here it is i've got a whole bottle of it she closed the door she bent down and picked me up and hugged me oh my darling she cried thank heavens you're safe she took the little bottle from me and read the label aloud formula 86 delayed action ma hmm excuse me formula 86 delayed action mouse maker she read this bottle contains 500 doses you brilliant darling boy you're a wonder you're a marvel how on earth did you get out of her room i nipped out when the ancient witches were coming in i told her it was all a bit hairy grandmama i wouldn't want to do it again i saw her too my grandmother said i know you did grandmama i heard you talking to each other didn't you think she was absolutely foul she's a murderer my grandmother said she's the most evil woman in the entire world did you see her mask i asked it's amazing my grandmother said it looks just like a real face even though i knew it was a mask i still couldn't tell oh my darling she cried give me a hug i thought i'd never see you again i'm so happy you got away mr and mrs jenkins meet bruno my grandmother carried me back into her own bedroom and put me on the table she set the precious bottle down beside me what time are those witches having supper in the dining room she asked eight o'clock i said she looked at her watch it was now ten past six she said we've got until eight o'clock to work out our next move suddenly her eyes fell upon bruno he was still in the banana bowl on the table he had eaten three bananas and was now attacking a fourth he had become immensely fat that's quite enough my grandmother said lifting him out of the bowl and putting him on the table top i think it's time we return this little fellow to the bosom of his family don't you agree bruno bruno scouted her i'd never seen a mouse scowl before but he managed it my parents let me as much as i want he said i'd rather be with them than with you of course you would my grandmother said do you know where your parents might be at this moment they were in the lounge not long ago i said i saw them sitting there as we dashed through on our way up right my grandmother said let's go and see if they are still there do you want to come along she added looking at me yes please i said i shall put you both in my handbags you said keep quiet and stay out of sight if you must peep out now and again don't show more than your nose her handbag was a large bulgy black leather affair with a tortoiseshell clasp she picked up bruno and me and popped us into it i shall leave the class bandan she said but be sure to keep out of sight i had no intention of keeping out of sight i wanted to see everything i seated myself in a little side pocket inside the bag near the clasp and from there i was able to poke my head out whenever i wanted to hey bruno called out give me the rest of that banana i was eating oh alright my grandmother said anything to keep you quiet she dropped the half-eaten banana into the bag then slung the bag over her arm and marched out of the room and went thumping along the corridor with her walking stick we went down in the lift to the ground floor and made our way through the reading room to the lounge and there sure enough sat mr and mrs jenkins in a couple of armchairs with the low round glass covered table between them there were several other groups in there as well but the jenkinses were the only couple sitting alone mr jenkins was reading a newspaper mrs jenkins was knitting something large and mustard colored only my nose and eyes were above the clasp of my grandmother's handbag but i had a super view i could see everything my grandmother dressed in black lace went thumping across the floor of the lounge and halted in front of the jenkins's table are you mr and mrs jenkins she asked mr jenkins looked at her over the top of his newspaper and frowned yes he said i'm mr jenkins what can i do for you madam i'm afraid i have some rather alarming news for you she said it's about your son bruno what about bruno mr jenkins said mrs jenkins looked up but went on with it not went on knitting what's the little blighter been up to now mr jenkins asked raid in the kitchen i suppose it's a bit worse than that my grandmother said do you think we might go somewhere more private why i tell you about it private mr jenkinson why do we have to be private this is not an easy thing for me to explain my grandmother said i'd much rather we all went up to your room and sat down before i tell you anymore mr jenkins lowered his paper mrs jenkins stopped knitting i don't want to go up to my room madam mr jenkins said i'm quite comfortable here thank you very much he was a large coarse man and he wasn't used to being pushed around by anybody kindly state your business and then leave us alone he added he spoke as though he was addressing someone who was trying to sell him a vacuum cleaner at the back door hey minnie rose glad you could make it nice to see you my poor grandmother who had been doing her best to be as kind to them as possible now began to bristle a bit herself we really can't talking here she said there are too many people this is a rather delicate and personal matter i'll talk where i dash it will want to madam mr jenkins said come on now out with it if bruno has broken a window or smashed your spectacles then i'll pay for the damage but i'm not budging out of this seat one or two other groups in the room were beginning to stare at us now where is bruno anyway mr jenkins said tell him to come here and see me he's here already my grandmother said he's in my handbag she patted the big floppy leather bag with her walking stick what the heck do you mean he's in your handbag mr jenkins shouted are you trying to be funny mrs jenkins said very prim there's nothing funny about this my grandmother said your son has suffered a rather unfortunate mishap he's always suffering mishaps mr jenkins said he suffers from overeating and then he suffers from wind you should hear him after supper he sounds like a brass band but a good ghost of castor oil soon puts him right again where is the little beggar i've already told you my grandmother said he's in my handbag but i do think it might be better if he went somewhere private before you meet him in his present state this woman's mad mrs jenkins said tell her to go away the plain fact in my gran the plain fact is my grandmother said that your son bruno has been rather drastically altered altered shouted mr jenkins what the devil do you mean altered go away mrs jenkins said you're a silly old woman i'm trying to tell you as gently as i possibly can that bruno really is in my handbag my grandmother said my own grandson actually saw them doing it to him saw who doing what to him for heaven's sake shouted mr jenkins he had a black mustache which jumped up and down when he shouted saw the witches turning him into a mouse my grandmother said call the manager dear mrs jenkins said to her husband have this mad woman thrown out of the hotel at this point my grandmother's patience came to an end she fished around in her handbag and found bruno she lifted him out and dumped him onto the glass top table mrs jenkins took one look at the fat little brown mouse who was still chewing a bit of banana and she let out a shriek that rattled the crystals on the chandelier she sprang out of her chair yelling it's a mouse take it away i can't stand the things it's bruno my grandmother said you nasty cheeky old woman shouted mr jenkins he started flapping his newspaper at bruno trying to sweep him off the table my grandmother rushed forward and managed to grab hold of him before he was swept away mrs jenkins was still screaming her head off and mr jenkins was terring over us and shouting get out of here how dare you frighten my wife like that take your filthy mouth away this instant scream mrs jenkins her face had gone the color of the underside of a fish well i did my best my grandmother said and with that she turned and sailed out of the room carrying bruno with her the plan when we got back to the bedroom my grandmother took both me and bruno out of her handbag and put us on the table why on earth didn't you speak up and tell your father who you were she said to bruno because i had my mouth full bruno said he jumped straight back into the bowl of bananas and went on with his eating what a very disagreeable little boy you are my grandmother said to him not boy i said mouse cry right my darling but we don't have time to worry about him at this moment we have plans to make in about an hour and a half's time all the witches will be going down to supper in the dining room right right i said and every one of them has got to be given a dose of mouse maker she said how on earth are we going to do that grandmama i said i think you are forgetting that a mouse can go places where human beings can't that's quite right she said but even a mouse can't go creeping around on the table top carrying a bottle and sprinkling mouse maker all over the witch's roast beef without being spotted i wasn't thinking of doing it in the dining room i said then where she asked in the kitchen i said while their food is being got ready my grandmother stared at me my darling child she said slowly i do believe that you're turning into them i do believe that turning you into a mouse has doubled your brain power a little mars i said can go scuttling around the kitchen among the pots and pans and if he's very careful no one will ever see him brilliant my grandmother cried out bye golly i think you've got it the only thing is i said how will i know which food is theirs i don't want to put it in the wrong saucepan it would be disastrous if i turned all the other guests into mice by mistake and especially you grandmama then you'll just have to creep into the kitchen and find a good hiding place and wait and listen just lie there in some dark cranny listening and listening to what the cooks are saying and then with a bit of luck somebody's going to give you a clue whenever they have a very big party to cook for the food is always prepared separately right i said that's what i'll have to do i shall wait there and i shall listen and i shall hope for a bit of luck it's going to be very dangerous my grandmother said nobody welcomes a mouse in the kitchen if they see you they'll squash you to death i won't let them see me i said don't forget you'll be carrying the bottle she said so you won't be nearly so quick and nippy i can run quite fast standing up with the bottle in my arms i said i did it just now don't you remember i came all the way up from the grand high witch's room carrying it what about unscrewing the top she said that might be difficult for you let me try i said i took hold of the little bottle and using both my front paws i found i was able to unscrew the cap quite easily that's great my grandmother said you really are a very clever mouse she glanced at her watch at half past seven she said i shall go down to the dining room for supper with you in my handbag i shall then release you under the table together with the precious bottle and from then on you'll be on your own you will have to work your way unseen across the dining room to the floor that leads into the kitchen there will be waiters going in and out of that door all the time you will have to choose the right moment and nip in behind one of them but for heaven's sake be sure that you don't get trodden on or squeezed in the door i'll try not to i said and whatever happens you mustn't let them catch you don't go on about it grandmama you're making me nervous you're a brave little fellow she said i do love you but shall what shall we do with bruno i asked her bruno looked up i'm coming with you he said speaking with his mouth full of banana i'm not going to miss my supper my grandmother considered this for a moment i'll take you along she said if you promise to stay in my bag and keep absolutely silent will you pass food down to me from the table bruno asked yes she said if you promise to behave yourself would you like something to eat my darling she said to me no thank you i said i'm too excited to eat and i've got to keep fit and frisky for the big job ahead it's a big job all right my grandmother said you will never do a bigger one in the kitchen the time has come my grandmother said the great moment has arrived are you ready my darling it was exactly half past seven bruno was in the bowl fishing that finishing that fourth banana hang on his head just a few more bites no my grandmother said we've got to go she picked him up and held him tight in her hand she was very tense and nervous i'd never seen her like that before i'm going to put you both in my handbag now she said but i shall leave the class undone she popped bruno into it first i waited clutching the little bottle to my chest now you she said she picked me up and gave me a kiss on the nose good luck my darling oh by the way you do realize you've got a tail don't you a what i said a tail a long curly tail i must say that it never occurred to me i said good gracious me so i have i can see it now i can actually move it it's rather grand isn't it i mention it only because it might come in useful when you're climbing about in the kitchen my grandmother said you can curl it around and you can hook it onto things and you can swing from it and lower yourself to the ground from high places i wish i'd known this before i said i could have practiced using it too late now my grandmother said we've got to go excuse me she popped me into her handbag with bruno and at once i took up my usual perch in the small side pocket so that i could poke my head out and see what was going on my grandmother picked up her walking stick and now she went into the corridor to the lift she pressed the button and the lift came up and she got in there was no one in there with us listen she said i won't be able to talk to you much once we're in the dining room if i do people would think i'm dotty and talking to myself the lift reached the ground floor and stopped with a jerk my grandmother walked out of it and across the lobby of the hotel and entered the dining room it was a huge room with gold decorations on the ceiling and big mirrors around the walls the regular guests always had their tables reserved for them and most of them were already in their places and starting to eat their suppers waiters were buzzing about all over the place carrying plates and dishes our table was a small one beside the right hand wall about halfway down the room my grandmother made her way to it and sat down peeping out of the handbag i could see in the very centre of the room two long tables that were not yet occupied each of them carried a notice fixed onto a sort of silver stick and the notices said reserved for the members of the rspcc my grandmother looked towards the long tables but said nothing she unfolded her napkin and spread it over the handbag on her lap her hands slid under the napkin and took hold of me gently with the napkin covering me she lifted me up close to her face and whispered i'm about to put you on the floor under the table the tablecloth reaches almost to the ground so no one will see you have you got hold of the bottle yes i whisper back i'm ready grandmama just then a waiter in a black suit came and stood by our table i could see his legs from under the napkin and as soon as i heard his voice i knew who he was his name was william good evening madam he said to my grandmother where is the little gentleman tonight he's not feeling very well my grandmother said he's staying in his room i'm sorry to hear that william said today there is green pea soup to start and for the main course you have a choice of either grilled fillet of soul or roast lamb pea soup and lamb for me please my grandmother said but don't hurry at william i'm in no rush tonight in fact you can bring me a glass of dry sherry first of course madame williams said and he went away my grandmother pretended she had dropped something and as she bent down she slid me out from under the napkin onto the floor under the table go darling go she whispered and then she straightened back up again i knew i was on my own now i stood clasping the little bottle i knew exactly where the door into the kitchen was i had to go about halfway round the enormous dining room to reach it here goes i thought and like a flash i skitted out from under the table and made for the wall i had no intention of going across the dining room floor it was far too risky my plan was to cling close to the skirting of the wall all the way around until i reached the kitchen door i ran oh how i ran i don't think anyone saw me they're all too busy eating but to reach the door leading to the kitchen i had to cross the main entrance to the dining room it was just i was just about to do this when in poured a great flood of females i pressed myself against the wall clutching the bottle at first i saw only the shoes and ankles of these women who were surging in through the door but when i glanced up a bit higher i knew at once who they were they were the witches coming to dinner i waited until they had passed by me then i dashed on towards the kitchen door a waiter opened it to go in i nipped him after him and hid behind a big garbage bin on the floor i stayed there for several minutes just listening to the talk and the racket by golly what a place that kitchen was the noise and the steam and the clatter of pots and pans and the cooks all shouting and the waiters all rushing in and out from the dining room yelling the food orders to the cooks four soups and two lambs and two fish for table 28 three apple pies and two strawberry ice creams for number 17 stuff like that going on all the time not far above my head there was a handle sticking out from the side of the garbage bin still clutching the bottle i gave a leap turned a somersault in the air and caught hold of the handle with the end of my tail suddenly there i was swinging to and fro upside down it was terrific i loved it this i told myself is how a trapeze artist in a circus must feel as he goes swishing through the air high up in the circus tent the only difference was that his trapeze could only swing backwards and forwards my trapeze my tail could swing me in any direction i wanted perhaps i would become a circus mouse after all just then a waiter came in with a plate in his hand and i heard him saying the old hag on table 14 says this meat is too tough she wants another portion one of the cooks said give me a plate i dropped to the floor and peeped round the garbage bin i saw the cook scrape the meat off the plate and slap another bit on it then he said come on boys give her some gravy he carried the plate round to everyone in the kitchen and do you know what they did every one of those cooks and kitchen boys spat on the old lady's plate see how she likes it now said the cook handing the plate back to the waiter quite soon another waiter came in and shouted everyone in the big rspcc party wants the soup that's when i started sitting up and taking notice i was all ears now i edged a bit further around the garbage bin so that i could see everything that was going on in the kitchen a man with a tall white hat who must have been the head chef shouted put the soup for the big part in the large silver soup terrain i saw the head chef place a huge silver basin onto the wooden side bench that ran along the whole length of the kitchen against the opposite wall into that silver basin is where the soup is going i told myself so that's where the stuff in my little bottle must go as well i noticed that high up near the ceiling above the side bench there was a long shelf crammed with saucepans and frying pans if i can somehow climb her up onto that shelf i thought then i've got it made i should be directly above the silver basin but first i must somehow get across to the other side of the kitchen and then up onto the middle shelf a great idea came to me once again i jumped up and hooked my tail around the handle of the garbage bin then hanging upside down i began to swing higher and higher i swung i remembered that trapeze artist in the circus i had seen last easter and the way they had got the trapeze swinging higher and higher and higher and had then let go and gone flying through the air so just at the right moment at the top of my swing i let go with my tail and went soaring clear across the kitchen and made a perfect landing on the middle shelf by golly i thought what marvelous things a mouse can do and i'm only a beginner no one had seen me they're all far too busy with their pots and pans from the middle of the shelf i somehow managed to shiny up a little water pipe in the corner and in no time at all i was on the very top shelf just under the ceiling among all the saucepans and the frying pans i knew that no one could possibly see me up there it was a super position and i began working my way along the shelf until i was directly above the big empty silver basin they were going to pour the soup into i put down my bottle i unscrewed the top and crept to the edge of the shelf and quickly poured what was in it straight into the silver basin below the next moment one of the cooks came along with a gigantic saucepan of steaming green soup and poured the whole lot into the silver basin he put the lid on in the basin and shouted suit for the big party all ready to go out then a waiter arrived and carried the silver basin away i had done it even if i never got back alive to my grandmother the witches were still going to get the mouse maker i left the empty bottle behind a large saucepan and began working my way back along the top shelf it was much easier to move without the bottle i began using my tail more and more i swung from the handle of one saucepan to the handle of another all the way along that top shelf while far below me cooks and waiters were all bustling about and kettles were steaming and pans were spluttering and pots were boiling and i thought to myself oh boy this is the life what fun it is to be a mouse doing an exciting job like this i kept right on swinging i swung most marvelously from handle to handle and i was drawing myself so much that i completely forgot i was in full view of anyone in the kitchen who might happen to glance upwards what came next happened so quickly i had no time to save myself i heard a man's voice yelling a mouse look at that dirty little mouse and i caught a glimpse below me of a white coated figure in a tall white hat and then there was a flash of steel as the carving knife whizzed through the air and there was a shoot of pain in the end of my tail and suddenly i was falling and falling head first towards the floor even as i fell i knew just what had happened i knew that the tip of my tail had been cut off and that i was about to crash onto the floor and everyone in the kitchen would be after me a mouse they were shouting a mouse a mouse catch it quick i hit the floor and jumped up and ran for my life all around me there were big back boots going stamp stamp stamp and i dodged around them and ran and ran and ran twisting and turning and dodging and swerving across the kitchen floor get it they were shouting kill it stamp on it the whole floor seemed to be full of black boots stamping away at me and i dodged and swerved and twisted and turned and then in sheer desperation hardly knowing what i was doing wanting only a place to hide i ran up the trouser leg of one of the cooks and clung to his sock hey the crook shouted jeep has creepers he's gone up my trouser hold on boys i'll get him this time the man's hands began slap slapping at the trouser leg and now i really was going to get smashed if i didn't move quickly there was only one way to go and that was up i dug my little claws into the hairy skin of the man's leg and scuttled upwards higher and higher past the calf and past the knee and onto the thigh holy smoke the man was yelling it's going all the way up it's going right up my leg i heard shrieks of laughter coming from the other cooks but i can promise you i wasn't laughing myself i was running for my life the man's hands were slap slap slapping all around me and he was jumping up and down as though he was standing on hot bricks and i kept climbing and i kept dodging and very soon i reached trouser leg and there was nowhere else to go help help help the man was screaming it's running around in my flaming knickers get it out someone help me get it out take off your trousers your silly slob someone else shouted pull down your pants and will soon catch him i was in the middle of the man's trousers now in the place where the two trouser legs meet and the zip begins it was dark and awfully hot in there i knew i had to keep going i dashed onward and found the top of the tr the other trouser leg i went down it like a greased lightning and came out at the bottom of it and once again i was on the floor i heard the stupid cook still sharpen it's in my trousers get it out will somebody please help me to get it out before it bites me i caught a flashing glimpse of the entire kitchen staff crowding around him and laughing their heads off and nobody saw the little brown mouse as it flew across the floor and dived into a sack of potatoes i burrowed down in among the dirty potatoes and held my breath the cook must have started taking his trousers right off because now they were shouting it's not in there there's no mice in there you silly twerp there was i swear there was the man shouted will shout him back you never had a mouse in your trousers you don't know what it feels like the fact that a tiny little creature like me had caused such a commotion among a bunch of grown-up men gave me a happy feeling i couldn't help smiling in spite of the pain in my tail i stared where i stayed where i was until i was sure they had forgotten about me then i crept out of the potatoes and cautiously poked my tiny head over the edge of the sack once again the kitchen was all of a bustle with cooks and waiters rushing about everywhere i saw the waiter who had come in earlier with the complaints about tough meat coming in again hey boys he shouted i asked the old hag if the new bit of meat was any better and she said it was perfectly delicious she said it was really tasty i had to get out of that kitchen and back to my grandmother there was only one way to do this i must make a dash clear across the floor and out through the door behind one of the waiters i stayed quite still watching for my chance my tail was hurting terribly i curled it around so as to have a look about it about two inches of it were missing and it was bleeding quite a lot there was a waiter loading up with a batch of plates full of pink ice cream he had a plate in each hand and two more balanced on each arm he went towards the door he pushed it open with his shoulder i leapt out of the sack of potatoes and went across that kitchen floor and into the dining room like a streak of light and i didn't stop running until i was underneath my grandmother's table it was lovely to see my grandmother's feet again in those old-fashioned black shoes with their straps and buttons i shinied up one of her legs and landed on her lap hello grandmama i whispered i'm back i did it i poured it all into their soup her hand came down and caressed me well done my darling she whispered back well done you they are at this very moment eating that soup suddenly she withdrew her hand you're bleeding she whispered my darling what's happened to you one of the cooks cut off my tail with a carving knife i whispered back it hurts like billy oh let me look at it she said she bent her head and examined my tail you poor little thing she whispered i'm going to bandage it up with my handkerchief that will stop the bleeding she fished a small lace-edged handkerchief out of her bag and this she somehow managed to wrap around the edge of my tail you'll be all right now she said just try to forget about it did you really manage to pour the whole bottle into their soup every drop i said do you think you could put me where i can watch them yes she answered my handbag is on your empty chair beside me i'm going to pop you in there now and you can peep out as long as you're careful not to be seen bruno is in there as well but take no notice of him i gave him a roll to eat and that's keeping him busy for a while her hand closed around me and i was lifted off her lap and transferred to the handbag hello bruno i said this is a great role he said nibbling away in the bottom of the bag but i wish there was butter on it i peed over the top of the handbag i could see the witches quite clearly sitting at their two long tables in the center of the room they had finished their soup now and the waiters were clearing away the plates my grandmother had lit up one of her disgusting black cigars and were puffing smoke over everything all around us the summer holiday guests in this rather grand hotel were babbling away and tucking into their suppers about half of them are old people with walking sticks but there are also plenty of families with a husband a wife and several children they're all well to do people you had to be if you wanted to stay in the hotel magnificent that's her grandmama i whispered that's the grand high witch i know my grandmother whispered back she's the tiny one in black sitting at the head of the nearest table she could kill you i whispered she could kill anyone in this room with her white hot sparks look out my grandmother whispered the weight is coming i popped down out of sight and when i heard william saying your roast lamb madam and which vegetables would you like peas or carrots carrot please my grandmother said but no potatoes i heard the carrots being dished out there was a pause then my grandmother's voice was whispering it's all right he's gone i put my head up again surely no one will notice my little head sticking out like this i always would no she answered i don't suppose they will my problem is i've got to talk to you without moving my lips you're doing beautifully i said i've counted the witches she said there aren't nearly as many as you thought you were just guessing weren't you when you said 200 it just seemed like 200 i said [Music] excuse me i was wrong too my grandmother said i thought there were a lot more witches than this in england how many are there i asked 84 she said there were 85 i said but one of them got fried at that moment i caught sight of mr jenkins bruno's father heading straight for our table look out grandma grandmama i whispered here comes bruno's [Music] father mr jenkins and his son mr jenkins came striding up to our table with a very purposeful look on his face where is that grandson of yours he said to my grandmother he spoke rudely and looked very angry my grandmother put on her frostiest look but didn't answer him my guess is that he and my son bruno are up to some devilment mr jenkins went on bruno hasn't turned up for his supper and it takes a lot to make that boy miss his food i must admit he has a very healthy appetite my grandmother said my feeling is that you're in on this as well mr jenkins said i don't care who the devil you are and i don't much care i don't care who the devil you are and i don't much care but you played a nasty trick on me and my wife this afternoon you put a dirty little mouse on the table that makes me think all three of you are up to something so if you know where bruno's hiding kindly tell me at once that was no trick i played on you my grandmother said that mouse i tried to give you was your own little boy bruno i was being kind to you i was trying to restore him to the bosom of his family you refused to take him in what the blazes do you mean madam shouted mr jenkins my son is not a mouse his black his black mustache was jumping up and down like crazy as he spoke come on woman where is he out with it the family at the table nearest to us had all stopped eating and was staring at mr jenkins my grandmother sat there puffing away calmly at her black cigar i can well understand your anger mr jenkins she said any other english father would be just as cross as you are but over in nowhere where i come from we are quite used to these sort of happenings we have learned to accept them as part of everyday life you must be mad women cried mr jenkins where is bruno if you don't tell me at once i shall summon the police bruno is a mouse my grandmother said calm as ever he most certainly is not a mouse shouted mr jenkins oh yes i am bruno said poking his head up out of the handbag mr jenkins leapt about three feet into the air hello dad said bruno he had a silly sort of mousy grin on his face mr jenkins his mouth dropped open so wide i could see the gold fillings in his back teeth don't worry dad bruno went on it's not as bad as all that just so long as the cat doesn't get me bruno stammered mr jenkins no more school said bruno grinning abroad and asinine mouse grin no more homework i shall live in the kitchen cupboard and feast on raisins and honey bruno stammered mr jenkins again how did this happen the poor man had no wind left in his sails at all which is my grandmother said the witches did it i can't have a mouse for a son treat mr jenkins you've got one my grandmother said be nice to him mr jenkins mrs jenkins will go crazy yelled mr jenkins she can't stand the things she'll just have to get used to him my grandmother said i hope you don't keep a cat in the house we do we do cried mr jenkins topsy is my wife's favorite creature then you'll just have to get rid of topsy my grandmother said your son is more important than your cat he certainly is bruno shouted from inside the handbag you tell mum she's gotta get rid of topsy before i go home by now half the dining room was watching our little group knives and forks and spoons had been put down and all over the place heads were turning round to stare at mr jenkins as he stood there spluttering and shouting they couldn't see either bruner or me and they were wondering what all the fuss was about by the way my grandmother said would you like to know who did this to him there was a mischievous little smile on her face and i could see that she was about to get mr jenkins into trouble who he cried who did it that woman over there my grandmother said the small one in the black dress at the head of the long table she's rspcc cried mr jenkins she's the chairwoman no she's not my grandmother said she's the grand high witch of all the world hello everyone we man's world nice to see you and erica welcome me at the end now though but glad you could make it good to see you you mean she did it that skinny little woman over there shouted mr jenkins pointing at her with a long finger bye gad i'll have my lawyers onto her for this i'll make her pay through the nose i wouldn't do anything rash my grandmother said to him that woman has magic powers she might decide to turn you into something even sillier than a mouse a cockroach perhaps turn me into a cockroach shouted mr jenkins puffing out his chest i'd like to see her try he swung around and started marching across the dining room towards the grand high witch's table my grandmother and i watched him bruno had jumped up onto our table and was also watching his father practically everyone in the dining room was watching mr jenkins now i stayed where i was peeping out of my grandmother's handbag i thought it might be wiser to stay put the triumph mr jenkins had not gone more than a few paces towards the grand high witch's table when a piercing scream rose high above all the other noises in the room and at the same moment i saw the grand high witch go shooting up into the air now she was standing on her chair still screaming now she was on the table top waving her arms what on earth is happening grandmama wait my grandmother said keep quiet and watch suddenly all the other witches more than 80 of them were beginning to scream and jump up at the out of their seats as those spikes were being stuck into their bottoms some were standing on chairs some were on the tables and all of them were wiggling about and waving their arms in the most extraordinary manner then all at once they became quiet then they stiffened every single witch stood there as stiff and silent as a corpse the whole room became deathly still their shrinking grandmama i said they're shrinking just like i did i know they are my grandmother said it's the mouse maker i cried look some of them are growing fur on their faces why is it working so quickly grandmama i'll tell you why my grandmother said because all of them have had a massive overdoses just like you it's thrown the alarm clock right out of whack everyone in the dining room was standing up now to get a better view people were moving closer they were beginning to crown round the two big long tables my grandmother lifted bruno went me up so that we wouldn't miss any of the fun in her excitement she jumped up onto her chair so that we could see over the heads of the crowd in another few seconds all the witches had completely disappeared and the tops of the two long tables were swarming with small brown mice all over the dining room women were screaming and strong men were turning white in the face and shouting it's crazy this can't happen let's get the heck out of here quick waiters were attacking the mice with chairs and wine bottles and anything else that came to hand i saw a chef in a tall white hat rushing out from the kitchen brandishing a frying pan and another one just behind him was wielding a carving knife above his head and everyone was yelling nice my smiles we must get rid of the mice only the children in the room were really enjoying it they all seemed to know instinctively that something good was going on right there in front of them and they were clapping and cheering and laughing like mad it's time to go my grandmother said our work is done she got down off her chair and picked up a handbag and slung it over her arm she had me in her right hand and bruno in her left bruno she said the time has come to restore you to the famous bosom of your family my mum's not very crazy about mice bruno said so i noticed my grandmother said she'll just have to get used to you won't she it was not difficult to find mr and mrs jenkins you could hear mrs jenkins shrill voice all over the room herbert it was screaming herbert get me out of here there's mice everywhere they'll go up my skirts she had her arms high up around her husband and from where i was she seemed to be swinging from his neck my grandmother had ma advanced upon them and thrust bruno into mr jenkins's hand here's your little boy she said he needs to go on a diet hi dad bruno said hi mom mrs jenkins screamed even louder my grandmother with me and her hand turned and marched out of the room she went straight across the hotel lobby and out through the front entrance into the open air outside it was a lovely warm evening and i could hear the waves breaking on the beach just across the road from the hotel is there a taxi here my grandmother said to the tall doorman in his green uniform certainly madam he said and he put two fingers into his mouth and blew a long shrill whistle i watched him with envy for weeks i've been trying to whistle like that but i hadn't succeeded once now i never would the taxi came the driver was an oldish man with a thick black drooping moustache the mustache hung over his mouth like the roots of some plant where too madam he asked suddenly he caught sight of me a little mouse nestling in my grandmother's hand blimey he said what's that it's my grandson my grandmother said drive us to the station please i always liked mice the old taxi driver said i used to keep hundreds of them when i was a boy mice is the fastest breeders in the world did you know that mum so if he's your grandson then i reckon you'll be having a few great grandsons to go with him in a couple of weeks time drive us to the station please my grandmother said looking prim yes mommy said right away my grandmother got into the back of the taxi and sat down and put me on her lap are we going home i asked yes she answered back to norway hooray i cried oh hooray hooray hooray i thought you'd like that she said but what about our luggage who cares about luggage she said the taxi was driving through the streets of bournemouth and this was the time of day when the pavements were crowded with holidaymakers all wondering about aimlessly with nothing to do how are you feeling my darling my grandmother said fine i said quite marvellous she began stroking the fur on the back of my neck with one finger we have accomplished great feats today she said it's been terrific i said absolutely terrific the heart of a mouse it was lovely to be back in norway once again in my grandmother's fine old house but now that i was so small everything looked different and it took me quite a while to find my way around mine was a world of carpets and table legs and chair legs and the little crannies behind large pieces of furniture a closed door could not be opened and nothing could be reached that was on a table but after a few days my grandmother began to invent gadgets for me in order to make life a bit easier she got a carpenter to put together a number of slim tall step ladders and she placed one of these against each table in the house so that i could climb up whenever i wanted to she herself invented a wonderful door opening device made out of wires and springs and pulleys with heavy weights dangling on cords and soon every door in the house had a door opener on it all i had to do was to press my front paws onto a tiny wooden platform and hey presto a spring would stretch and a weight would drop and the door would swing open next she rigged up an equally ingenious system whereby i could switch on the light whenever i entered a room at night i cannot explain how it worked because i know nothing about electricity but there was a little button let into the floor near the door in every room in the house and when i pressed the button gently with one paw the light would come on when i pressed it a second time the light would go off again my grandmother made me a tiny toothbrush using a mat stick for the handle and into this she stuck little bits of bristle that she had snipped off one of her hair brushes you must not get any holes in your teeth she said i can't take a mouse to the dentist he'd think i was crazy it's funny i said but ever since i've become a mouse i've hated the taste of sweets and chocolates so i don't think i'll get any holes you are still going to brush your teeth after every meal my grandmother said and i did for a bathtub she gave me a silver sugar basin and i bathed in it every night before going to bed she allowed no one else into the house not even a servant or a cook we kept entirely to ourselves and we were very happy in each other's company one evening as i lay on my grandmother's lap in front of the fire she said to me i wonder what happened to that little bruno i wouldn't be surprised if his father gave him to the hall porter to drown in the fire bucket i answered i'm afraid you may be right my grandmother said the poor little thing we were silent for a few minutes my grandmother puffing away at her large black cigar while i dozed comfortably in the warmth can't i ask can i ask you something grandmama i said ask me anything you like my darling how long does a mouse live ah she said i've been waiting for you to ask me that there was a silence she sat there smoking away and gazing at the fire well i said how long do we live us mice i've been reading about my she said i've been trying to find out everything i can about them go on then grandma why don't you why don't you tell me if you really want to know she said i'm afraid a mouse doesn't live for a very long time how long i asked well an ordinary mouse only lives for about three years she said but you are not an ordinary mouse you are a mouse person and that is a very different matter how different i asked how long does a mouse person live grandmama longer she said much longer a mouse person will almost certainly live for three times as long as an ordinary mouse my grandmother said about nine years good i cried that's great it's the best news i've ever had why do you say that she asked surprised because i would never want to live longer than you i said i couldn't stand being looked after by anybody else there was a short silence she had a way of fondling me behind the ears with the tip of one finger it felt lovely how old are you grandmama i asked i'm 86 she said will he live another eight or nine years i might she said with a bit of luck you've got to i said because by then i'll be a very old mouse and you'll be a very old grandmother and soon after that we'll both die together that would be perfect she said i had a little doze after that i just shut my eyes and thought of nothing and felt at peace with the world would you like me to tell you something about yourself that is very interesting my grandmother said yes please grandmama i said without opening my eyes i couldn't believe it at first but apparently it's quite true she said what is it i asked the heart of a mouse she said and that means your heart is beating at the rate of 500 times a minute isn't that amazing that's not possible i said opening my eyes wide it's as true as i'm sitting here she said it's a sort of miracle that's nearly nine beats every second i cried working it out in my head correct she said your heart is going so fast it's impossible to hear the separate beats all one hears is a soft humming sound she was wearing a lace dress and the lace kept tickling my nose i had to rest my head on my front paws have you ever heard my heart humming away grandmama i asked her often she said i hear it when you are lying very close to me on the pillow at night the two of us remain silent in front of the fire for a long time after that thinking about these wonderful things my darling she said at last are you sure you don't mind being a mouse for the rest of your life i don't mind at all i said it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like so long as somebody loves you that's a nice isn't it i'll read that again i don't mind at all i said it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like so long as somebody loves you the final chapter it's off to work we go for supper that evening my grandmother had a plain omelet and one slice of bread i had a piece of that brown norwegian goat's milk cheese known as gatoste maybe which i had loved even when i was a boy we ate in front of the fire my grandmother in her armchair and me on the table with my cheese on a small plate grandmamar i said now that we have done away with the grand high witch will all the other witches in the world gradually disappear i'm quite sure she won't she answered i stopped chewing and stared at her but they must i cried surely they must i'm afraid not she said but if she's not there any longer how are they going to get all the money they need and who is going to give them orders and jazz them up at the annual meeting and invent all their magic formulas for them when a queen bee dies there is always another queen in the hive ready to take her place my grandmother said it's the same with the witches in the great headquarters where the grand high witch lives there is always another grand high witch waiting in the wings to take over should anything happen oh no i cried that means everything we did was for nothing have i become a mouse for nothing at all we saved the children of england she said i don't call that nothing i know i know i cried but that's not nearly good enough i felt sure that all the witches of the world would slowly fade away after we had got rid of the leader now you tell me that everything is going to go on just the same as before not exactly as before my grandmother said for instance there are no longer any witches in england that's quite a triumph isn't it but what about the rest of the world i cried what about america and france and holland and germany and what about norway you must not think i have been sitting back and doing nothing these last few days she said i've been given a great deal of thought and time to that particular problem i was looking up at her face when she said this and all at once i noticed that a little secret smile was beginning to spread slowly around her eyes and the corners of her mouth why are you smiling grandmama i asked her i have some rather interesting news for you she said what news shall i tell it to you right from the beginning yes please i said i like good news she had finished her omnit and i had had enough of my cheese she wiped her lips with a napkin and said as soon as we arrived back in norway i picked up the telephone and made a call to england who in england grandmama to the chief of police in bournemouth my darling i told him i was the chief of police for the whole of norway and that i was interested in the peculiar happenings that had taken place recently in the hotel magnificent now hang on a sec grandmamar i said there's no way an english policeman is going to believe that you are the head of the norwegian police i am very good at imitating a man's voice she said of course he believed me the policeman in bournemouth was honored to get a call from the chief of police for the whole of norway so what did you ask him i asked him for the name and address of the lady who had been living in the room 454 in the hotel magnificent the one who disappeared you mean the grand high witch i cried yes my darling and did he give it to you naturally he gave it to me one policeman will always help another policeman by golly you've got a nerve grandmama i wanted her address my grandmother said but did he know her address he did indeed they had found her passport in her room and her address was in it it was also in the hotel register everyone who stays in a hotel has to put a name and address in the book but surely the grand high witch wouldn't have put her real name and address in the hotel register i said why ever not my grandmother said nobody in the world had the faintest idea who she was except the other witches wherever she went people simply knew her as a nice lady you my darling and you alone were the only non-witch ever to see her with her mask off even in her own district in the village where she lived people knew her as a kindly and very wealthy baroness who gave large sums of money to charity i have checked up on that i was getting excited now and that address you got grandmama that must have been the secret headquarters of the grand high witch it is it still is my grandmother said and that will be where the new grand high witch is certain to be living at this very moment with her retinue of special assistant witches important rulers are always surrounded by a large retinue of assistance where is her headquarters grandmama i cried tell me quick where it is it is a castle my grandmother said and the fascinating thing is that in that castle will be all the names and addresses of all the witches in the world how else could a grand high witch run her business how else could she summon the witches of the various countries to their annual meetings where is the castle grandmama i cried impatiently which country tell me quick guess she said norway i cried right first time she answered high up in the mountains above a small village this was thrilling news i did a little dance of excitement on the table top my grandmother was getting pretty worked up herself and now she heaved herself out of her chair and began pacing up and down the room thumping the carpet with her stick so we have work to do you and i she cried out we have a great task ahead of us thank heavens you are a mouse a mouse can go anywhere all i have to do is put you down somewhere near the grand high witch's castle and you will very easily be able to get inside it and creep around looking and listening to your heart's content i will i will i answered no one will ever see me moving about in a big castle will be child's play compared with going into a crowded kitchen full of cooks and waiters you could spend days in there if necessary my grandmother cried in her excitement she was waving her stick all over the place and suddenly she knocked over a tall and very beautiful vas that went crashing onto the floor and smashed into a million pieces forget it she said it's only ming you could spend weeks in that castle if you wanted to and they'd never know you were there i myself would get a room in the village and you could sneak out of the castle and have supper with me every night and tell me what was going on i could i could i cried out and inside the castle i could go snooping around simply everywhere but your main job of course my grandmother said would be to destroy every witch in the place that really would be the end of the whole organization me destroy them i cried how could i do that can't you guess she said tell me i said mouse maker my grandmother shouted formula 86 delayed action mouse maker all over again you will feed it to everyone in the castle by putting drops of it into their food you do remember the recipe don't you every bit of it i answered you mean we're going to make it ourselves why not she cried if they can make it so can we it's just the question of knowing what goes into it who's going to climb up the tall trees to get the gruntless eggs i asked her i will she cried i'll do it myself there's plenty of life in this old dog yet i think i'd better do that part of it grandmama you might come a cropper those are just details she's she cried waving her stick again we shall let nothing stand in our way and what happens after that i asked after the new grand high witch and everyone else in the castle have been turned into mice then the castle will be completely empty and i shall come in and join you and wait i cried hold on grandma i've just had a nasty thought what nasty thought she said when the mouse maker turned me into a mouse i said i didn't become just any old ordinary mouse that you catch with mousetraps i became a talking thinking intelligent mouse person who wouldn't go near a mousetrap my grandmother stopped dead in her tracks she already knew what was coming next therefore i went on if we use the mouse maker to turn the new grand high witch and all the other witches in the castle into mice the whole place will be swarming with very clever very nasty very dangerous talking thinking mouse witches they'll all be witches in mouse's clothing and that i added could be very horrible indeed by golly you're right she cried that never occurred to me i couldn't possibly take on a castle full of mouse witches i said nor could i she said they'd have to be got rid of at once they'd have to be smashed and bashed and chopped up into little pieces exactly as they were in the hotel magnificent i'm not doing that i said i couldn't anyway i don't think you could either grandmama and mousetraps wouldn't be the slightest use by the way i added the grand high witch you did me in was wrong about mousetraps wasn't she yes yes my grandmother said impatiently but i'm not concerned with that grand high witch she's been chopped up long ago by the hotel chef it's the new grand high which we've got to deal with now the one up in the castle and all her assistants a grand high witch is bad enough when she's disguised as a lady but just think of what she could do if she were a mouse she could go anywhere i've got it i shouted leaping about a foot in the air i've got the answer tell me my grandmother snapped the answer is cats i shouted bring on the cats my grandmother stared at me then a great grin spread over her face and she shouted it's brilliant absolutely brilliant shove half a dozen cats into that castle i cried and they'll kill every mouse in the place in five minutes i don't care how clever they are you're a magician my grandmother shouted starting to wave her stick about once again look out for the vases grandmama to heck with the vas as she shouted i'm so thrilled i don't care if i break the lot just one thing i said you've got to make absolutely sure i'm well out of the way myself before you put the cats in that's a promise she said what will we do after the cats have killed all the mice i asked her i'll take all the cats back to the village and then you and i will have the castle completely to ourselves and then i said then we shall go through the records and get the names and addresses of all the witches in the whole wide world and after that i said quivering with excitement after that my darling the greatest task of all will begin for you and me we shall pack our bags and go traveling all over the world in every country we visit we shall seek out the houses where the witches are living we shall find each house one by one and having found it you will creep inside and leave your little drops of deadly mouse maker in the bread or the corn flakes or the rice pudding or whatever food you see lying about it will be a triumph my darling a colossal unbeatable triumph we shall do it entirely by ourselves just you and me that will be our work for the rest of our lives my grandmother picked me up off the table and kissed me on the nose oh my goodness me we're going to be busy these next few years and months and years she cried i think we are i said but what fun and excitement it's going to be you can say that again my grandmother cried given me another kiss i can't wait to get started the end well thanks again everyone for joining me this evening for this live reading of the witches what a great turnout it was for much of the live read it's great to see all the familiar faces and i'll just repeat again if you want the full uh announcement you can go back and watch the start of this live stream at the beginning of the live stream while i was waiting to for people to come on i did a few announcements but the one that relates uh to us here at book club is um the upcoming 1 000 subs celebration poll i think i'm at 950 something subs and i'm so happy about this and hopefully soon it will continue to grow and then i'm going to reach the 1k mark which i'm really excited about and then i'm going to do like a a massive poll of books that i've been um waiting to read for many months since we've started and the poll will include brave new world by orders huxley war of the worlds by h.g wells 1984 by george orwell and lord of the flies by william golding all of which are amazing novels amazing stories and i'll probably have to do them over two nights so sunday and monday more than likely but that's coming up and also something i'm very excited about and i hope will grow and develop like this channel has if you look in the description you'll see a link for a new book club community that i'd like to develop and build and create and just like we have this interaction here on the the live reads on sunday evenings it will be like us whoever wants to join the community can join in it will be a small community and we can share our love of books and i'm also planning on building like a sort of syllabus of all the books that have helped and affected me deeply in my life so all of this is coming up over the next few weeks and months i'd love to have some of these familiar faces that it's so nice to see you come in the chat and say hello you know it it's just that there's something special about those familiar faces so it'd be great if you guys choose to to come over to the book club community and we can uh yeah get closer and develop this relationship even further so with all that being said thanks again so much for joining me for this live read quite a long one this evening three hours 40 but it whizzes by in a second for me because the books are so good having all you guys here joining me for the read i could just read for hours and hours as long as there's people here listening but sadly the book's finished for this evening and even more sadly there won't be a live reading uh next week because i'm away visiting family but hopefully the following weekend i would have reached that 1k mark and it will be one of those amazing classic pieces of literature over two nights so goodnight everyone thanks again it's great to have you all here with me have a great week and uh yeah lots more content coming up on book club over the next week i think i'm actually going to do a live reading again on wednesday um to read from the um the journey within book that i shared previously so keep you out for that and uh yeah great to see you all have a great week look after yourselves and i'll see you soon bye guys good night