James is here to do my Bridal makeup which is what I am wearing right now I just wanted to congratulate you on almost a million on Instagram I want to say huge congratulations to James Charles if you have not checked his channel out on YouTube and you want to be inspired he's a freaking teenager and he's like a genius with makeup James Charles is the face of their holiday collection and I saw him do a really cool look and it just made me want to try this palette we are going to be taking a first look at the new morphe palette hello I think you like it I love it sorry James I'm onto another new palette that you guys can still use coaching's for 10% off this one I'm the friend that's encouraging you guys to use code James for 10% off of saving you can use anybody's code use you know James's code I'm wearing my sister's apparel and the grand scheme of it all like you have to really check in with yourself and really think about like is this really like a thing because if not you're gonna be sitting on the internet crying over vitamins when things are really going on around the world but I'm not want to tell you how to feel but you know so if you're gonna go on the internet and cry and heavily imply that there's a horrible human being and everybody can get what it is girls sit on the internet and talk about it then hey you guys welcome to today's video obviously from the title you know that this is gonna be intense different and this is absolutely not a video I ever thought in a million years that I would be making but I feel after a lot of thought that it's necessary for me to have a chat with you guys I feel when you put aspects of your life out online that at some point you are going to have to address them if you make a radical shift so a lot of you guys saw my Instagram story there have been countless videos made about it for me what happened when I posted the video that now has gone very widespread I was sitting here in the studio I didn't have makeup on I was ready to film a makeup Tryon and I received a text from James Charles I was completely blindsided and my emotions just got the best of me I never jumped straight to social but I was just like so gutted and I made that two-minute little insta story it was therapeutic for me I don't regret it what I said in that video basically was that I feel really lost in this community and that's so true and it is more than one thing and it wasn't specifically just about vitamins or about halo but it was just about being lied to and feeling disrespected and you know James Charles he had nine days after Coachella to talk to me he knows where I live it's not far from him he could have come face-to-face and chatted with me because he knew that this would hurt me we've had plenty of in-person conversations that were at length about other influencers doing the same deal and him not liking sugar bear hair and dragging the other people and being like talk to him I'm on your side like you've got me like I will support you yes mom like you've got my my loyalty so I always felt really comfortable with that and I of course to not even get a phone call to not even get a text a few days prior but right after that sponsored post went up to have a text like hey mom love you I'm stressed just so you know XYZ I just did this post but it's no big and that's pretty typical of James Charles's behavior from the time that I met him when he was 17 before he really had taken off on YouTube at all I know that he has a way of just getting what he wants and I've always blamed it on his age I've been like I he'll grow up like it's fine he'll grow up like there's something about him that I just adore and love and he'll grow out of this and he'll mature and I want to be someone that can give him solid advice and there's something in my heart that has pulled to him and I love him and I am there for this kid it's a ruin through and I really have been and there's so much that you guys don't know and I'm gonna share a lot of it with you because I feel at this point that I have to because Gabriel's more I decided to drag me out on the dance floor by calling me out my name in a video that he made about opinions and makeup I want to say that I don't know Gabriel Zamora we've never had any beef but we are not friends majority of the time that I've spent with Gabriel Zamora was in at James Charles's kitchen which was not too long ago before that I maybe give him a hug hi how are you at like a couple of events maybe throughout the years but we aren't friends we don't hang out I don't have his phone number we don't chat DM Talk none of that there's no relationship so he does not know me at all and I really have to feel from what I've witnessed in the past of how stuff kind of goes down as far as like really ripping into a situation and giving your you know your two cents this is typical behavior if you go and hang out with a group of influencers yes it's about makeup yes sometimes business yes times jokes but a lot of the time it's whatever is brewing or happening or someone going through something and just like everybody kind of giving their a little bit of it to the point that the whole story changes and I just couldn't help but feel that that's what happened because everybody was hanging out behind closed doors I know that James Charles was very very upset and obviously venting to his friends which in turn for whatever reason made Gabriel some more I feel empowered enough to call me out by name it really minimized my feelings it's a horrible thing to tell a person like hey it's sunshiny outside don't feel bad about whatever you're going through and I always like to tell people pain is pain and yeah at some point you have to feel it express it release it and then set it down and move ahead because life will never stop being painful no matter where in the world you are no matter what your circumstances you are always gonna experience heartbreak and that's part of being human for me I'd always like to say that just because the person next to you is in a full-body cast doesn't mean that your broken arm doesn't hurt pain is pain feel it let it go the way you do process things the way you do but that's private and that's your business and no one has any to tell you how to feel so that was so not right on so many levels but even that like I was in North Carolina with my sisters I saw that snap everybody's you know tweeting me and I'm like I still gotta let this go like I just got to let this go but then with the video I'm like okay we're getting a little bit rough and wild right now and I feel like behind the scenes my name is being dragged and my reputation and my character I need to speak on a few things that I feel would happen better handled privately but we're public and you know just like Gabriel said in his video like I started this public bad on me I am an influencer creator whatever we want to call it I do live a portion of my life online so what you guys saw in that IG story that happens like that happens to so many of us like we let our emotions lead because we're creatives and you have access to this piece of technology that allows you to express you know so widely and so quickly I'm a really really big believer in hitting the pause button thinking things through in that moment I didn't so here we are and I'm gonna talk about it all obviously so many of you guys understand that this is more than just a sponsored post it has layers there's so much going on with James Charles right now that I do not support that I do not agree with fame power and a fat bank account will change almost anyone and if you don't have people that will tell you to your face that you're doing the wrong things you will change and I tried to be that person for you James I really tried I don't think there's any getting through to you and I don't want to be friends with you I don't want to be associated with you and I need to say that very publicly so that this chapter can just be closed so I want to share with you guys really quickly why I'm being so public about this because I know the first thing a lot of people will say is hey why didn't you pick up the phone why didn't you message him back like you guys should have handled this privately and I absolutely agreed the moment that everything kicked off he started panicking he was texting me and then it got increasingly demanding and I don't deal well with someone telling me that I need to accept an apology on their terms to fix their problems so when you cannot even say I'm so sorry I knew this was going to hurt you I hate seeing you cry oh my gosh I can't believe that you're feeling this upset like I didn't think that you would be this upset when you can't have any emotion for the other person who loves you so much and all you're caring about is your image and that people are questioning if it's you and people are commenting and that's what you're worried about I'm not okay with that and I need to like take a time out I knew that I needed to talk to James and I was planning on hopping in my car and you know sitting down with him but I changed my mind very very quickly when I found out that he had been giving his side to Drama channels he had been in contact with plenty of them I immediately knew that this was all about damage control and little to do up with his care for me because I just don't think that he does if that's the Plainfield that we're on and I have to go there just know my receipts my receipts are like stacked thick to be in full disclosure I have spoken with two drama channels that reached out and one of them is here for the tea the other is tea spill they're both making videos I needed to share a little bit of where I was coming from and even in those messages like the first thing that I say is like I'm crushed because this person was family to me this person is someone that I absolutely loved cared for and would have spent all the time in the world protecting but he's just too far gone at this point and the behavior that I don't think I can even talk about like the DMS that I'm getting and the things that I'm hearing are so gross that I don't think that I can protect that and I don't think I can help that and I have to let this go you know like I have to let this go so there's the full disclosure you know I don't have a camp of people that I'm like okay let's like work on this angle and like how can we do this and how can we do that this is not strategy to me this is me having someone that I mentored someone that I cared for really not care for me and exhibit that there was speculation when Shane Dawson came over to hang out with me who I adore I don't know terribly well we've been talking for a couple of months the day that he came over where we were just playing with makeup like that had been planned for a very long time we had been talking that date had been set before all of this kicked up and I just like I can't help but think that James Charles felt like that was somehow like some sneaky thing that happened because his ego is so big that he will think that everything is about him so that visit had nothing to do with me sneaking around and like really manipulating the situation at all just to get that straight I think it's important for you guys to know a little bit of the history that I have with James Charles he contacted me through my you know when he was first starting out he was 17 he was wide-eyed and ready to make it on Instagram and social media and you know he kind of had his YouTube channel going but not really and you know the first response I gave him was like keep up the good work or something like that and then he came back and he just has a way of saying the most gorgeous things that make you feel so special so he always told me that I was the reason that he wanted to get into makeup and I was the reason that he was inspired to start his channel and that my channel was one of his favorites and he just loved watching me and it was just nice to hear to be honest I was like wow like this kid like really like I'm like the the grown-up inspiration like this cool like how can I help you there's a huge age gap between me and James Charles and it's so funny because back in the beginning and my husband was like um like you know you're not best friends with him like he's a kid and I'm like yeah I know I'm like but he's really like looking for some help some guidance I made the choice that I was gonna help him like a lot of people online were crapping all over him back in the day he had drama with Nicki to Dragon I you know I've never screwed him over I've never publicly humiliated him I've never done any of that and a lot of people who are buddy-buddy with him right now have not always had his best interest they didn't want him to succeed they saw this new kid coming up and they're like no this is not gonna happen and I was constantly like you're talented you've got this keep going what do you need how can I help you I had a lot of influence at the time you know my channel was much bigger come on my channel do my makeup you know we started talking pre covergirl so we're talking before everything exploded and I had his back back then I invited him to my wedding he didn't have money for the flight or hotel so I paid for that happily and he felt a little bit bad about it and I was like hey like let's just have fun and you can do my makeup for my wedding and meow it's sad to think that I will never be able to watch my wedding video without seeing his face and thinking of him and thinking about all the things I hoped our relationship would be like I always envisioned that he would grow up at some point we'd kind of meet up as friends because he would be an adult and it is such a unique industry that were in that it feels really nice when you have someone to connect with through business that really understands the complexity of everything involved in having a YouTube channel being a creator I think I sent him a text one time I was like I can't wait until all of this is over and we're on a yacht of our own not on a brand trip you know and like I think that I'll know you for the rest of my life I wrapped as much love as I could around this kid more from like a parental stance than like a bestfriend stance you know my husband who he ran an agency he was the VP of motion pictures he knows the industry through and through I don't talk about that end of my husband's career too often he's so gifted with his view of how deals contracts business development he's a master at it and I love his brilliant mind he was mentored by Roland Perkins who was one of the original founders of CIA he has built businesses and sold them he is so insanely intelligent anytime that James would need help he'd be like dad what should I do and he'd come over and you'd be like I don't like my manager will you manage me and James is like no I'm not doing that I don't do that anymore but your family how can I help you my husband would spend hours on the phone looking over contracts getting him in a better position so we helped him get into style Hall back when basically no one wanted to work with him because of his obelisk Andale and everyone was really afraid that he was very toxic but once again you know we had his back they got a boutique management around him they finally taught him how to Tai's his videos he was making $90 a video and because of me and my husband he was making 2500 immediately from a switch being flipped because his former management did not go in and do that for him so that's just like a small sample of some of the things that we've done for James Charles another thing I have an issue with is James Charles never even apologized to my James if this was just about halo then you know like you know that this is our business apologize to him too but that's not what this is about oh this is just like really hard to do oh my god okay I absolutely loved James Charles my husband loved James Charles he had an open door here in my home anytime he had a problem any time he needed life advice business advice you know we were we were here for him I've promoted him I have supported him I've put him in so many videos every time that I hold up a morphe item I always say use code James because I wanted him to make it and make enough money to feel like he had the resources to do what he really wanted to do with the creative videos that he always envisioned making and that's why at the halo launch I got so emotional if it is creating content that we are all emulating right now James Charles were exchanging everything I was from the pit of my guts so proud so proud in Gabriel's videos something that I thought was really offensive was the insinuation that my relationship with James Charles was transactional and that I would be crazy to think that I had an exclusive with him when it came to my vitamins and for someone that I helped when no one would asking for absolutely nothing in return never asking for a pay back never asking for a dime any of the deals that were structured if anyone ever offered a kickback we'd say no put it in James's pocket help James help him you know anytime I had an opportunity to help him make I would if I could give him advice I did if he needed a safe landing I was here I mean even to the point of putting myself at risk business-wise you know I had him here not too long ago like this is when a lot of scandal was happening in the community and he came over to my house it was really really late at night and he was super upset he's like I can't sleep I'm I feel so upset I don't know what to do I'm so stressed out oh my god what do I do and I had to do with his morphe deal because the percentage they were offering him was not great to be honest and at the time I personally felt that he deserved more and this is like purely coming from a business perspective because at the time they had dropped Laura and Manny and things were falling apart and there was a separate issue with the vault and that whole thing to the public it didn't really look great so James was kind of stressed out about that he hadn't signed his contract so I didn't feel like I was interfering with anything giving him advice he was worried about things and I wanted to of course wrap him up and like just make him feel good and I negotiated another deal on the side for him that would have given him a million dollars the following week with a guarantee and with a higher percentage now in business what this does is it gives you leverage so that you can go over to your your other deal that you haven't signed yet and feel like you have a back-up plan so maybe you want deal a really really badly but you're nervous to ask for more or nervous to ask for things to be on your terms you're terrified that if you do you'll lose deal a the one that you really really want but the psychology of having deal be waiting for you just in case allows you to have a stronger presence when going in and negotiating so he had that thanks to me and thanks to the hours that my husband spent making sure that he had that padding and that you know safety net and he went and talked to Linda and he got a higher percentage so literally millions in his bank account my relationship with James Charles is not transactional I have not asked him for a penny I've never been on his Instagram you know we had a mini falling out after the Jacqueline Hill launch party everybody was over at my house we were all talking things were said that I cannot unhear at my dining room table I cannot unhear it when I confronted him on it he cried he apologized I have so much empathy for people and I really want to see people grow and step into themselves and I'm more the person to ask like well what made you feel that you needed to do XYZ like what what happened to you or like why do you feel like you need to do that I'm not perfect but I have a desire to do better all of the time and I have a desire to grow and step into myself more and more and more and this life means so much to me and I know that it's not just this so my actions and my integrity means so much I need to know my truths and we all know where we're messing up we all know where we're bending things to be in our favor and that being said I can't be the person to point and write people off very quickly like it takes a lot for me to really want to not be associated with someone and so I've always had a really forgiving heart because I know to get here I've required a lot of forgiveness myself so we sorted our stuff out you know I had mentioned to him that you know it did kind of suck that he had never had me on his channel and it's just really funny that we didn't end up collabing until it was in his favor so he was popping off online about exposing the beauty community and doing a docu-series and I was like know how entitled do you have to be to think that you have it rough you are a 19 year old millionaire you do not get to wake up and you know stress out about how unfair your job is like that's just so ridiculous to me so after hours and hours and hours and hours and hours hours and hours of talk he arrived at the decision to not do it I was like it's gonna be like the downfall of your career don't do it like don't expose the community because you're part of the community like do you think you're better than everyone cuz you're not I think something that I'm really really big on is respect and it was really hard to see the way he was treating Marlena from makeup geek like I did not like that I also don't think that it's cool to publicly shame a woman who paved the way get off your high horse and have some respect you don't have any for the people who are in this industry longer than you and that's the sad fact I think one of the biggest reasons that I'm doing this video is because all of us are somehow forgetting that his audience is made up of 12 to 14 year olds like dominantly and he is role modeling to them his behavior his behavior online is what they are seen and what they're emulating as how they should behave to be successful and adored by the masses everything is over sexualized and that's the huge underlayer to this all that I finally have had enough the last phone conversation that James Charles and I had he said some things telling me about a situation that happened in Seattle at my birthday and it literally made me want to vomit oh my god you tried to trick a straight man into thinking he's gay yet again and somehow you're the victim you know it's really disgusting to manipulate someone's sexuality especially when they are still you know emerging into adulthood and don't quite have everything figured out you are using your fame your power your money to play with people's emotions you're threatening to ruin them you're threatening to embarrass them and you're doing that to have them behave sexually in your favor even if they're straight and you know what that's not okay that behavior is not okay whether you're a woman a man gay straight bi whatever sexual orientation you are that is your personal call is not someone else's to take it's not someone else's to play with it's not someone else's to mess with and how dare you laugh about it and make me after meme and retweet and this and that and I love straight boys I love straight boys and make it a joke because this behavior is not normal it's not okay cracking someone's sexuality is not an escape room this is [ __ ] that will follow them for the rest of their lives and you need someone to tell you to stop it and that's exactly what I did in your kitchen in front of Gabriel Zamora so I'm really shocked Gabriel that you really don't care about this at all and what is happening they were totally complicit with the situation obviously with the video that you made alright I'm pissed I literally I - I had enough respect for you and love for you and care for you to tell you go and get some help I told you that this was not good and that you could have your career completely destroyed his parents came to visit they had dinner over at my house and they were lovely and I you know you guys loved meeting his parents I was shocked that James even then was saying to his dad that every man is a little bit gay and that there's no such thing as a straight man and you know his dad's like you're wrong James you're wrong if someone who is very masculine and has been with women decides that they're bisexual that they want to explore that's fine like so be it but again it's just like it's not yours to take so talking about that at the dinner table with his parents was kind of weird ham talking explicitly about sex and things that he would like to do and like I mean like I was just like I was like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god like I am used to this around you know everyone else but not his parents like I thought around his parents that he would not behave this way like it was just like no big deal like sucking dick and [ __ ] like I'm just like oh my god time and place and you did it at my birthday dinner and I made excuses for you then you were talking in detail about things you wanted to do to the waiter and when I said James he's straight your response was doesn't matter I'm a celebrity so freaking gross and you said that in front of my family in front of my childhood friends I had to call every one of them up the next morning and apologize on your behalf because it was so uncomfortable and I've continued to do that but it's just all kind of stacking up right now like this when James Charles's parents left my home you know Kristie you grabbed my hand and you said you know thank you for looking out for my boys like keep looking out for them and I have and like I'm handing that back to you like you need to not be on Instagram liking comments and sharing with people that you're disappointed that I'm upset you need to be not on Instagram you need to be here in LA because your boys need you I do also want to tell you guys I you know add insult to injury the sugar bear hair thing that was a blatant lie like come on you went to Coachella somehow had a security issue and magically sugar bear hairs there with a contract in hand to save the day for you and all of your friends no company would ever go out of their way to have an extra you know handful of passes that cost thousands of dollars apiece like just in case there's value there and there's a value exchange like Gabriel is correct about that brands know what they're doing and that leads me to believe that this was orchestrated beforehand but he had an emotional conflict because if me and promises he made to me behind the scenes so he had to come up with a very clever story and didn't tell me right when he got back but after the little bit was posted on their launch day that part felt super super shady to me and it was so quickly like glazed over and then it hopped back into I've had the most stressful week of my life with boys I have so much anxiety and it's like dude like oh my god you saw me during my launch you know what happened you know about the coordinated event that happened you were with me you know what I went through to bring everything to life the risk involved and going into a category that no one wants to get into because it's so hard and challenging and it's not a palette it's not something that people buy multiples of people are not going to buy a hair vitamin from over here and one from over here because that would be too much for your system to handle so when you pair up with my number-one competitor it's embarrassing to me is it gonna crush my business no but it's embarrassing and you know that because of things I've had to deal with in the past and if you don't have my back at least have your subscribers back dude like are you kidding me a you say you don't like this brand at all and it would be embarrassing so like stick with that like stick to what you speak practice what you preach you say that you're the realest you can't be bought well you just were I don't think you were in a dangerous situation I really really don't you know fair well how crowds are so if you did think there was gonna be a dangerous situation I think you would have brought your own security you have the millions and millions and millions in your account to do that because you are the first person to overshare your finances with everybody you know I tell you guys like I can't be bought in any situation I would have left a lot of people are like what was he supposed to do as dangerous like leave go home it's a couple days of your life it'll happen again next year bring security next time have some loyalty to that fanbase who has put all that money into your bank account instead of lying to them because you say you don't like the brand you I'm sure hadn't tried the product for more than a week because they offered you that deal on the spot at Coachella and nine days later you had the story so you hadn't even tried it for a full month do better research melatonin over time not great for you look into the formula before you promote it which I also thought was really strange because the reason that James always said that he couldn't promote halo on his channel and really do like you know heavy endorsement was because he has a teenage audience and it would just be inappropriate you sold out me but you threw away our friendship but you lied to me made up a story you knew this would be embarrassing for me no our relationship is not transactional I have never asked you for anything in return you should have walked away you should have held on to your integrity you're a phony I know that now I know that you're easily bought that a good time is more important to you than your integrity and if everybody's like oh come on a 10-second ad it means nothing if it meant nothing they would have just said have the security and safety don't worry about us but no there was a negotiation and I do this and you do that because there's value there so when you think about the millions that he has on Instagram that swipe up that call-to-action him saying that he's had anxiety and this has helped him sleep which no he didn't say it was an anxiety pill but I think alluding to that to children with a vitamin that looks like a gummy bear that tastes like candy like my mind is freakin blown you guys because I don't think marketing sleep pills to children it's like a good idea at all I would never do that ever in a million years bad role modeling I really believe that as we evolve whether it's cosmetics technology nutriceuticals you know everybody's always gonna try and improve what once was so for me with Halo but I am really trying to do is improve something that already existed yes I wanted to dial in a formula that would work I've never sent out PR I've never bought an ad I don't do that a because I don't want to my product is good enough on its own and we're selling like hotcakes like I don't need to at this point as we grow maybe I will but that's not where my spend is like I don't I'm not gonna put $100,000 into an Instagram post for someone to jam a pill in their mouth and smiled it probably isn't taking it I'd rather put that $100,000 into research and creating a really dope product that people really love and that's why they come back for more so that's my standard when it comes to building my business and my brand and that's my thought process when I'm creating products I want them to work I don't want to trick you guys and I just think that that swipe up with a tracking code and hashtag ad that had to stay up for 24 hours by the way I think that was planned out and I'm I'm not good with that like you threw me under the bus you knew how much it would hurt I told you like I texted you hey I'll give you a sponsorship if you want one like don't do this it will hurt me and you kept it up for 24 hours of course I didn't want to call you back but then you go and post an apology and you can't even mention my brand name like I'm not an idiot I know what contracts look like I know what the exclusivity look like and it just smelled rotten to me and it just was the timing of it all off the heels of me finding out about ways that you've been behaving I don't agree with for you to lie to me and make me the villain and go around and circulate a story to work on your side saying that I'm loving the drama because it's improving sales that's not the case you're my family I love you still this is not about money at all like at all I feel like I've said my piece I don't know what's gonna happen next to be honest you know I'm scared but if I didn't make this video and I didn't say things publicly I think that I would be feeling worse you don't get to the success that James Charles has without knowing how to work someone and I don't want to be worked I don't want to be manipulated and I tried everything that I could but I don't matter to him right now I'm only a like a piece in his game and everything is a game and I'm tapping out it's just all feeling like really intense and like I wish I wish you guys could like be inside of my head and understand like really truly like what YouTube means to me and why I need this like why I need me and you and why I need and why I need to do things the way that I do I have forced myself to go with my intuition and to like really really try to do the right thing and to be a good person and I know I'm a role model and that matters to me and that has gravity to me and I I like that and I want to make a difference and let me also share that when I do reach the level of success that I hope to with halo I'm gonna make a lot of positive changes I have huge plans for what I want to do to give back and I have a very huge why like I know why I'm here I know my mission it is not all about me and that's why you know when people get close to me I am very willing to help this is all just kind of blown up and I never thought it would be like this way so fast it just like things just happened really really fast in sequence I felt the pressure to make this video I could have just never talked to James again which was an option I had in my mind because I just didn't want to give him anything to work with like I like like you guys have to understand like I'm freaking afraid of him like he's 19 I'm afraid of him like that's messed up I'm really sad to see things and this way and I hope that things change I really really do I didn't feel safe talking about any of this privately because I know that it would get twisted and used against me somehow so I had to do it this way I've seen too much happen behind closed doors where things get twisted manipulated and I'm not gonna let that happen to me and if I fall apart because people don't like what I have to say or that I said it loud here on my channel I guess that's on me and this is my choice because I've always been a person that wanted to not let fear control me that's been an issue of mine in the past and I want for anybody out there that is letting fear and power and someone else telling you how to feel because there will be a consequence don't let that fear eat you up you are free to be who you want to be you're free to speak up if something's not feeling okay and if you ever need to defend your character go for it and I hope at minimum I'm an example of that I want to let you guys know I don't hate James Charles like I think I'll always love him I think I will always care about him I think I I have that pull more so for the person I first met a couple of years ago then the person he's become because I'm I'm just not on board with how this is all evolving and how emotionless he's become um I don't want my career that I've built for eight years to go down the toilet because of this like and I'm sitting here going god I hope not you know um he knows a lot of my business detail he knows a lot of what's around the corner for me and my brand I've been very open with him and you know he could completely try to retaliate and do weird things and I guess I have to kind of be prepared for that but it is what it is I'm gonna keep going I'm gonna keep filming because I love what I do and that's what matters the most to me I want to create great content that makes you guys escape this nasty world I want to share with you my life and the good parts of me and show you that no matter who you are you can make it you know I had freaking nothing like nothing when I started out I didn't know how to edit I didn't have a computer I didn't have a camera I had no job I just like struggle struggle struggle struggle struggle and crippling depression and anxiety to the point where you can't leave the house I like I really had the cards stacked against me from so many different areas and I know that people have it worse than me like even back then but I just want to let you guys know if you have a passion your your you're good like that passion you know you're good you know you got it like work on it and move forward work hard and you can do anything and I've always wanted to be that visible thing right here that you can make it but also I wanted to share with women and and this is for the ladies like I'm cool with men and makeup love men and makeup but this is for the women I'm in my 30s I'm in a beauty industry and I am in front of the camera not behind it and that matters and brands want to work with me and I'm not 25 and that's progress and that matters so I'm here for so many reasons and it is not just money so you guys are first I am you I am here because of you and that will always hold true so I'm so sorry that this video had to be made I'm gonna do what I can to get back to your business as usual and I'm gonna put my phone down as much as I can I'm gonna put the noise down as much as I can and try to get back to normal as soon as possible with just regular content and I ask you guys please as I continue to post regular content try and make up and escaping the world and like giving you guys an escape from the world please help me to do the same I don't need the comments section to be flooded with everything to do with this mess I've said my piece I'm moving forward it is painful to lose someone that you care about that you thought would be in your life forever but the chapter is closed and I I felt you guys deserved the truth and for your questions to be answered because I know there's been so much confusion and that's where I'm gonna end this video please know you mean the world to me and I'm eternally grateful to you guys and I'll find ways to give back more to you because like without you I don't have anything and you matter so thank you again and again and I guess that's it I will see you guys in my next video thanks for hearing me out and being here with me and for watching and supporting alright I love you guys