a piece of cake by roald dahl my first story 1942 i do not remember much of it not beforehand anyway not until it happened there was the landing at fuca where the blenheim boys were helpful and gave us tea while we were being refueled i remember the quietness of the blenheim boys how they came into the mess tent to get some tea and sat down to drink it without saying anything how they got up and went out when they had finished drinking and still they did not say anything and i knew that each one was holding himself together because the going was not very good right then they were having to go out too often and there were no replacements coming along we thanked them for the tea and went out to see if they had finished refueling our gladiators i remember that there was a wind blowing which made the windsock stand out straight like a signpost and the sand was blowing up around our legs and making a rustling noise as it swished against the tents and the tents flapped in the wind so that they were like canvas men clapping their hands bomber boys unhappy peter said not unhappy i answered well they're browned off no they've had it that's all but they'll keep going you can see they're trying to keep going our two old gladiators were standing beside each other in the sand and the air men in their khaki shirts and shorts seem still to be busy with refueling i was wearing a thin white cotton flying suit and peter had on a blue one it wasn't necessary to fly with anything warmer peter said how far away is it 21 miles beyond charing cross i answered on the right side of the road charing cross was where the desert road branch north to mercer matru the italian army was outside mercer and they were doing pretty well it was about the only time so far as i know that the italians have done pretty well their morale goes up and down like a sensitive altimeter and right then it was at 40 000 because the axis was on top of the world we hung around waiting for the refueling to finish peter said it's a piece of cake yes it ought to be easy we separated and climbed into my cockpit i've always remembered the face of the airman who helped me to strap in he was oldish about 40 and bored except for a neat patch of golden hair at the back of his head his face was all wrinkles his eyes were like my grandmother's eyes and he looked as though he had spent his life helping to strap in pilots who never came back he stood on the wing pulling my straps and said be careful there isn't any sense not being careful piece of cake i said like hell really it isn't anything at all it's a piece of cake i don't remember much about the next bit i only remember about later on i suppose we took off from and flew west towards mercer and i suppose we flew at about 800 feet i suppose we saw the sea to starboard and i suppose no i'm certain that it was blue and that it was beautiful especially where it rolled up onto the sand and made a long thick white line east and west as far as you could see i suppose we flew over charring cross and flew on for 21 miles to where they had said it would be but i do not know i know only that there was trouble lots and lots of trouble and i know that we had turned and were coming back when the trouble got worse the biggest trouble of all was that i was too low to bail out and it is from that point on that my memory comes back to me i remember the dipping of the nose of the aircraft and i remember looking down the nose of the machine at the ground and seeing a little clump of camel thorn growing there all by itself i remember seeing some rocks lying in the sand beside the camelthorn and the camel thorn and the sand and the rocks leapt out of the ground and came to me i remember that very clearly then there was a small gap of not remembering it might have been one second or it might have been thirty i do not know i have an idea that it was very short a second perhaps and next i heard a crump on the right as the starboard wing tank caught fire then another crump on the left as the port tank did the same to me that was not significant and for a while i sat still feeling comfortable but a little drowsy i couldn't see with my eyes but that was not significant either there was nothing to worry about nothing at all not until i felt the hotness around my legs at first it was only a warmness and that was alright too but all at once it was a hotness a very stinging scorching hotness up and down the sides of each leg i knew that the hotness was unpleasant but that was all i knew i disliked it so i curled my legs up under the seat and waited i think there was something wrong with the telegraph system between the body and the brain it did not seem to be working very well somehow it was a bit slow in telling the brain all about it and in asking for instructions but i believe a message eventually got through saying down here there is a great hotness what shall we do signed left leg and right leg for a long time there was no reply the brain was figuring the matter out then slowly word by word the answer was tapped over the wires the plane is burning get out repeat get out get out the order was relayed to the whole system to all the muscles in the legs arms and body and the muscles went to work they tried their best they pushed a little and pulled a little and they strained greatly but it wasn't any good up went another telegram can't get out something holding us in the answer to this one took even longer in arriving so i just sat there waiting for it to come and all the time the hotness increased something was holding me down and it was up to the brain to find out what it was was it giant's hands pressing on my shoulders or heavy stones or houses or steamrollers or filing cabinets or gravity or was it ropes wait a minute ropes ropes the message was beginning to come through it came very slowly your straps undo your straps my arms received the message and went to work they tugged at the straps but they wouldn't undo they tugged again and again a little feebly but as hard as they could and it wasn't any use back when the message how do we undo the straps this time i think that i sat there for three or four minutes waiting for the answer it wasn't any use hurrying or getting impatient that was the one thing of which i was sure but what a long time it was all taking i said aloud bugger it i'm going to be burnt i'm but i was interrupted the answer was coming no it wasn't yes it was it was slowly coming through pull out the quick release pin you bloody fool and hurry out came the pin and the straps were loosed now let's get out let's get out let's get out but i couldn't do it i simply couldn't lift myself out of the cockpit arms and legs tried their best but it wasn't any use a last desperate message was flashed upwards and this time it was marked urgent something else is holding us down it said something else something else something heavy still the arms and legs did not fight they seemed to know instinctively that there was no point in using up their strength they stayed quiet and waited for the answer and oh what a time it took 20 30 40 hot seconds none of them really white hot yet no sizzling or flesh or smell of burning meat but that would come any moment now because those old gladiators aren't made of stressed steel like a hurricane or a spit they have taut canvas wings covered with magnificently inflammable dope and underneath there are hundreds of small thin sticks the kind you put under the logs for kindling only these are drier and thinner if a clever man said i'm going to build a big thing that will burn better and quicker than anything else in the world and if he applied himself diligently to this task he would probably finish up by building something very like a gladiator i sat still waiting then suddenly the reply beautiful in its briefness but at the same time explaining everything your parachute turn the buckle i turned the buckle released the parachute harness and with some effort hoisted myself up and tumbled over the side of the cockpit something seemed to be burning so i rolled about a bit in the sand then crawled away from the fire on all fours and lay down i heard some of my machine gun ammunition going off in the heat and i heard some bullets thumping into the sand nearby i did not worry about them i merely heard them things were beginning to hurt my face hurt most there was something wrong with my face something had happened to it slowly i put up a hand to feel it it was sticky my nose didn't seem to be there i tried to feel my teeth but i cannot remember whether i came to any conclusion about them i think i dozed off all of a sudden there was peter i heard his voice and i heard him dancing around and yelling like a madman and shaking my hand and saying jesus i thought you were still inside i came down half a mile away and ran like hell are you alright i said peter what has happened to my nose i heard him striking a match in the dark the night comes quickly in the desert there was a pause it actually doesn't seem to be there very much he said does it hurt don't be a bloody fool of course it hurts he said he was going back to his machine to get some morphia out of his emergency pack but he came back again soon saying he couldn't find his aircraft in the dark peter i said i can't see anything it's night he answered i can't see either it was cold now it was a bitter cold and peter lay down close alongside so that we could both keep a little warmer every now and then he would say i've never seen a man without a nose before i kept spewing a lot of blood and every time i did it peter lit a match once he gave me a cigarette but it got wet and i didn't want it anyway i do not know how long we stayed there and i remember only very little more i remember that i kept telling peter that there was a tin of sore throat tablets in my pocket and that he should take one otherwise he would catch my sore throat i remember asking him where we were and him saying we're between the two armies and then i remember english voices from an english patrol asking if we were italians peter said something to them i cannot remember what he said later i remember hot thick soup and one spoonful making me sick and all the time the pleasant feeling that peter was around being wonderful doing wonderful things and never going away that is all that i can remember the men stood beside the airplane painting away and talking about the heat painting pictures on the aircraft i said yes said peter it's a great idea it's subtle why i said just you tell me they're funny pictures he said the german pilots will all laugh when they see them they'll shake so with their laughing that they won't be able to shoot straight oh baloney baloney baloney no it's a great idea it's fine come and have a look we ran towards the line of aircraft hop skip jump said peter hop skip jump keep in time hop skip jump i said hop skip jump and we danced along the painter on the first airplane had a straw hat on his head and a sad face he was copying the drawing out of a magazine and when peter saw it he said boy oh boy look at that picture and he began to laugh his laugh began with a rumble and grew quickly into a belly rule and he slapped his thighs with his hands both at the same time and went on laughing with his body doubled up and his mouth wide open and his eyes shut his silk top hat fell off his head onto the sand that's not funny i said not funny he cried what do you mean not funny look at me look at me laughing laughing like this i couldn't hit anything i couldn't hit a hay wagon or a house or a louse and he caped about on the sand gurgling and shaking with laughter then he seized me by the arm and we danced over to the next airplane hop skip jump he said hop skip jump there was a small man with a crumpled face writing a long story on the fuselage with a red crayon his straw hat was purged right at the back of his head and his face was shiny with sweat good morning he said good morning good morning and he swept his hat off his head in a very elegant way peter said shut up and bent down and began to read what the little man had been writing all the time peter was spluttering and rumbling with laughter and as he read he began to laugh afresh he rocked from one side to the other and danced around on the sand slapping his thighs with his hands and bending his body oh my what a story what a story what a story look at me look at me laughing and he hopped about on his toes shaking his head and chortling like a madman then suddenly i saw the joke and i began to laugh with him i laughed so much that my stomach hurt and i fell down and rolled around on the sand and roared and roared because it was so funny that there was nothing else i could do peter you're marvelous i shouted but can all those german pilots read english oh hell he said oh hell stop he shouted stop your work and the painters will stopped their painting and turned round slowly and looked at peter they did a little caper on their toes and began to chant in unison rubbishy things on all the wings on all the wings on all the wings they chanted shut up said peter we're in a jam we must keep calm where's my top hat what i said you could speak german he said you must translate for us he will translate for you he shouted to the painters he will translate then i saw his black top hat laying in the sand i looked away then i looked around and saw it again it was a silk opera hat and it was lying there on its side in the sand you're mad i shouted you're madder than hell you don't know what you're doing you'll get us all killed you're absolutely plum crazy do you know that you're crazier than hell my god you're crazy goodness what a noise you're making you mustn't shout like that it's not good for you this was a woman's voice you've made yourself all hot she said and i felt someone wiping my forehead with a handkerchief you mustn't work yourself up like that then she was gone and i saw only the sky which was pale blue there were no clouds and all around were the german fighters they were above below and on every side and there was no way i could go there was nothing i could do they took it in turns to come in to attack and they flew their aircraft carelessly banking and looping and dancing in the air but i was not frightened because of the funny pictures on my wings i was confident and i thought i'm going to fight a hundred of them alone and i'll shoot them all down i'll shoot them while they're laughing that's what i'll do then they flew closer the whole sky was full of them there were so many that i did not know which ones to watch and which ones to attack there were so many that they made a black curtain over the sky and only here and there could i see a little of the blue showing through but there was enough to patch a dutchman's trousers which was all that mattered so long as there was enough to do that then everything was alright still they flew closer they came nearer and nearer right up in front of my face so that i saw only the black crosses which stood out brightly against the color of the meshes mitts and against the blue of the sky and as i turn my head quickly from one side to the other i saw more aircraft and more crosses and then i saw nothing but the arms of the crosses and the blue of the sky the arms had hands and they joined together and made a circle and danced around my gladiator while the engines of the messerschmitts sang joyfully in a deep voice they were playing oranges and lemons and every now and then two would detach themselves and come out into the middle of the floor and make an attack and i knew then that it was oranges and lemons they banked and swerved and danced upon their toes and they lent against the air first to one side then to the other oranges and lemons said the bells of saint clements sang the engines but i was still confident i could dance better than they and i had a better partner she was the most beautiful girl in the world i looked down and saw the curve of her neck and the gentle slope of her pale shoulders and i saw her slender arms eager and outstretched suddenly i saw some bullet holes in my starboard wing and i got angry and scared both at the same time but mostly i got angry then i got confident and said the german who did that had no sense of humor there's always one man in a party who has no sense of humor but there's nothing to worry about there's nothing at all to worry about then i saw more bullet holes and i got scared i slid back the hood of the cockpit and i stood up and shouted you fools look at my funny pictures look at the one on my tail look at the story on my fuselage please look at the story on my fuselage but they kept on coming they tripped into the middle of the floor in twos shooting at me as they came and the engines of the messerschmitt sang loudly when will you pay me said the bells of old bailey sang the engines and as they sang the black crosses danced and swayed to the rhythm of the music there were more holes in my wings in the engine cowling and in the cockpit then suddenly there were some in my body but there was no pain even when i went into a spin when the wings of my plane went flip flip flip faster and faster when the blue sky and the black sea chased each other round and round until there was no longer any sky or sea but just the flashing of the sun as i turned but the black crosses were following me down still dancing and still holding hands and i could still hear the singing of their engines here comes a candle to light you to bed here comes a chopper to chop off your head sang the engines still the wings went flip flip flip flip and there was neither sky nor sea around me but only the sun then there was only the sea i could see it below me and i could see the white horses and i said to myself those are white horses riding a rough sea i knew then that my brain was going well because of the white horses and because of the sea i knew that there was not much time because the sea and the white horses were nearer the white horses were bigger in the sea was like a sea and like water not like a smooth place then there was only one white horse rushing forward madly with his bit in his teeth foaming at the mouth scattering the spray with his hooves and arching his neck as he ran he galloped on madly over the sea riderless and uncontrollable and i could tell that we were going to crash after that it was warmer and there were no black crosses and there was no sky but it was only warm because it was not hot and it was not cold i was sitting in a great red chair made of velvet and it was evening there was a wind blowing from behind where am i i said you are missing you are missing believed killed then i must tell my mother you can't you can't use that phone why not it only goes to god what did you say i was missing believed killed that's not true it's a lie it's a lousy lie because here i am and i'm not missing you're just trying to frighten me and you won't succeed you won't succeed i tell you because i know it's a lie and i'm going back to my squadron you can't stop me because i'll just go i'm going you see i'm going i got up from the red chair and began to run let me see those x-rays again nurse they're here doctor this was the woman's voice again and now it came closer you have been making a noise tonight haven't you let me straighten your pillow for you you're pushing it on the floor the voice was close and it was very soft and nice am i missing no of course not you're fine they said i was missing don't be silly you're fine oh everyone's silly silly silly but it was a lovely day and i did not want to run but i couldn't stop i kept on running across the grass and i couldn't stop because my legs were carrying me and i had no control over them it was as if they did not belong to me although when i looked down i saw that they were mine that the shoes on the feet were mine and that the legs were joined to my body but they would not do what i wanted they just went on running across the field and i had to go with them i ran and ran and ran and although in some places the field was rough and bumpy i never stumbled i ran past trees and hedges and in one field there were some sheep which stopped their eating and scampered off as i ran past them once i saw my mother in a pale grey dress bending down picking mushrooms and as i ran past she looked up and said my basket's nearly full shall we go home soon but my legs wouldn't stop and i had to go on then i saw the cliff ahead and i saw how dark it was beyond the cliff there was this great cliff and beyond it there was nothing but darkness although the sun was shining in the field where i was running the light of the sun stopped dead at the edge of the cliff and there was only darkness beyond that must be where the night begins i thought and once more i tried to stop but it was not any good my legs began to go faster towards the cliff and they began to take longer strides and i reached down with my hand and tried to stop them by clutching the cloth of my trousers but it did not work then i tried to fall down but my legs were nimble and each time i threw myself i landed on my toes and went on running now the cliff and the darkness were much nearer and i could see that unless i stopped quickly i should go over the edge once more i tried to throw myself to the ground and once more i landed on my toes and went on running i was going fast as i came to the edge and i went straight on over it into the darkness and began to fall at first it was not quite dark i could see little trees growing out of the face of the cliff and i grabbed at them with my hands as i went down several times i managed to catch hold of a branch but it always broke off at once because i was so heavy and because i was falling so fast and once i caught a thick branch with both hands and the tree leaned forward and i heard the snapping of the roots one by one until it came away from the cliff and i went on falling then it became darker because the sun and the day were in the fields far away at the top of the cliff and as i fell i kept my eyes open and watched the darkness turn from gray black to black from black to jet black and from jet black to pure liquid blackness which i could touch with my hands but which i could not see but i went on falling and it was so black that there was nothing anywhere and it was not any use doing anything or caring or thinking because of the blackness and because of the falling it was not any use you're better this morning you're much better it was the woman's voice again hello hello we thought you were never going to get conscious where am i in alexandria in hospital how long have i been here four days what time is it seven o'clock in the morning why can't i see i heard her walking a little closer oh we've just put a bandage around your eyes for a bit how long for just a while don't worry you're fine you are very lucky you know i was feeling my face with my fingers but i couldn't feel it i could only feel something else what's wrong with my face i heard her coming up to the side of my bed and i felt her hand touching my shoulder you mustn't talk anymore you're not allowed to talk it's bad for you just lie still and don't worry you're fine i heard the sound of her footsteps as she walked across the floor and i heard her open the door and shut it again nurse i said nurse but she was gone the end