what do avoidant Partners find attractive and how do they act when they're in love why is it that anxious and avoidant partners attract each other okay so to answer this question I want to briefly review the definition of avoidant attachment we're going to take a look at some traits that they may find attractive we're also going to talk about what are some challenges that they might face in a relationship with an anxious partner that in order to grow and also how they might act when they're in love there are also a few signs that are probably a little bit surprising that are indication that they have deep affection for you but you might read them as the opposite of that so I'd invite you to grab a pen and paper because you're going to want to stick with me until the end and also make sure that you leave some comments and questions as I go through just to let me know that you are connecting with this so first let's just do a brief synopsis you know what is avoidant Detachment style so avoidant attachment is a behavioral style where individuals maintain a degree of let's call it emotional distance because they are hoping to preserve their independence and so at its core this pattern is a coping mechanism that's born out of a fundamental fear of being emotionally manipulated or depended upon and there's a high value placed on things like self-reliance as a result so psychologically speaking people with avoidant attachment Styles tend to equate emotional closeness and intimacy with a loss of personal autonomy and so they wind up steering clear of situations that could stimulate these deeply ingrained fears of being smothered or controlled or subsumed okay and that's usually because in their past they experienced some degree of either for dismissive avoidance they were it was modeled for them that emotions were either unacceptable or only certain emotions were acceptable and so there wasn't a lot of modeling or education around how to connect to your feelings and in fact disconnecting from them was preferable so that tends to be more of a dismissive avoidant story we have the fearful avoidance story and this is more where there's the manipulation of emotions unpredictable inconsistent and unpredictable shows of affection than being withdrawn due to conditions of Worth right conditions of love so there were more mixed signals involved in the early childhood experience and there may have also been some trauma connected to that now some signs of avoidant attachment are things such as the emotional distance that I described so they might be with you but you might feel like they're not fully there they may hesitate to commit to things like future plans even if they T seem to like to talk about it or fantasize about it they may not actually take action towards that thing they may tend to keep conversations at kind of a surface level now it's not that they are they are fundamentally unemotional or uncaring it's just that they're really careful about allowing people to get too close to their emotional core so they may Dodge things like conflict or minimize emotional conversation because sometimes those things disrupt a very carefully balanced sense of self and this can be held together by rigid but they're truly fragile boundaries right um because if you are worried about creating space Because unless your partner gives you space you can't find your own emotional equilibrium then you're not really emotionally free and there's a fragility in that so this is why there's that misconception that avoiding partners are un in on the contrary they're usually deeply sensitive individuals which is why they are so reactive okay and because they are sensitive to other people's energy this is why they usually ask for space or they they shy away from things like emotional intensity okay and oftentimes it's because they don't realize it's because they're very sensitive so the other question what are avoidant Partners attracted to I'm going to offer you five traits that avoidant Partners find attractive and I might argue you know even secure and anxious Partners would likely find these things attractive so the first one is Independence right and that's probably not a surprise they tend to gravitate towards people who have their own lives have their own passions and seem to be seeking a partnership that is made of two holes two interdependent holes not two halves okay so they might say something like I love our time together but I also want solo weakens so that I can recharge right now in an anxious avoidant situation that idea that I need a solo weekend to recharge it could trigger an anxious partner say why do you need to get away from me to recharge why isn't that it that spending time together supports you and recharges you and that is because for the anxious partner in contrast they their time with you their time together is recharging for them okay so it's important to understand there's a little bit of a nuan difference there at the same time avoiding or anxious Partners can appreciate the independent nature of the avoiding partner because it may be something that they admire because they feel like they lack that sense of Independence within themselves we're going to talk more about that in just a second the second thing is confidence Partners who carry themselves with assurance that they're not looking for someone or something else to complete them okay I'm happy with who I am and I don't need someone to validate my feelings or my needs this is a level of confidence that sometimes our Open Hearts are seeking right that they're struggling with self-sufficiency so someone who can manage their own Affairs for avoiding Partners they feel like it alleviates the pressure to have to be responsible for somebody else and they may take pride in things like managing their own finances or managing their own schedules because they feel like it allows them to express their autonomy of course the shadow aspect of this is they may not know how to invite their Partners into a conversation about something that actually affects both of them especially because if one person's making independent decisions that affect the relationship then it's not just affecting them it's also affecting their partner so learning how to open up and invite co-creative Solutions invite a dialogue around what's going to be useful for each one individually and the relationship together is really important and that's a growth Challenge and this might be surprising but they also appreciate direct communication someone who expresses what they need and want plainly and avoids that dance of ambiguity or unspoken expectations even though sometimes avoidant Partners themselves shy away from being direct because they have a fear of comfor ation but they tend to admire it in others and so there can be a paradoxical presentation here in their attraction right they like someone who's direct and upfront and plain and transparent but then at the same time they themselves are not always so plain and transparent that's one of the paradoxical aspects of Attraction and again we're going to talk about this in just more deeply in just a sec the last thing is emotional strength what do I mean by emotional strength this is someone who has the capacity to navigate let's say the roller coasters of life with composure they are able to process their own emotions independently enough so that the relationship doesn't suffer a lot of turbulence okay avoiding Partners tend to avoid conflict they don't usually like a lot of emotional turbulence in a relationship and so they may be drawn to someone who can be somewhat self-contained in terms of how they're processing their emotions which isn't right or wrong it's just one way of moving through the world whereas sometimes our Open Hearts and even to some degree our fearful avoidant of lifers they tend to need and want a partner to assist in the emotional processing or at least to be a participant in the emotional processing and so if an avoiding partner is paired with an anxious one they will have to learn to some degree to participate in that activity because this is one of the gifts that the anxious partner has to give them right learning about how we can contribute to each other's emotional experiences doesn't have to be this parallel play all the time now in speaking about the parad oxes around what attracts them I do want to talk a little bit about the shadow aspect of avoidant Attraction okay and this is this speaks to what I have referred to as the anxious avoidant trap that situation where we tend to find avoidant Partners paired with an anxious partner or it could be a fearful avoidant partner paired with an anxious or avoidant partner because the spice of life or the fearful avoidant incompass embodies both avoidant and anxious Tendencies so for example if we have a fearful avoidant paired with an anxious partner the anxious partner is usually going to polarize the fearful avoidant to become more avoidant if the fearful avoidant is paired with an avoidant partner then the avoidant partner is going to polarize the fearful avoidant or the disorganized partner to become increasingly anxious okay so when we say when I say the anxious point in trap I'm talking about a situation where in the relationship it either there's someone who is always chasing the other and the other is always running away or there's a circumstance where one chases the other until this person finally turns around and starts to reciprocate and all of a sudden the Chaser becomes the runner and it's this sort of back and forth that starts to occur okay when that happens usually one or both of them actually has disorganized attachment or fearful avoidance going on I want to talk about this in terms of what I'm going to refer to as the shadow aspect of Attraction meaning why these relationships can be so catalytic because they are demonstrating to us an aspect of ourselves that we have repressed or buried or denied for some reason and we are intensely drawn to this person because they serve as some kind of focal point conduit or container for us to realize those suppressed parts and access them for ourselves and so we feel tremendously enlivened in their presence because in being in their presence they call up feelings parts of ourselves that we hadn't allowed ourselves to experience or Express before so I want to talk about this in the context of our questions why is it that an avoidant partner for all these other traits that we mentioned in some of the paradoxical presentations of those attractive traits why is it that emotional intensity May Scare them off but also be the thing that attracts them well because it is the polarity that emotional intensity represents the polarity that they have often suppressed within themselves or cut themselves off from internally so this is why a lot of avoidant Partners may not consciously say that they want em an emotionally intense partner but then they usually wind up attracting them and then experiencing significant chemistry with them so I would argue this is their spiritual assignment for growth right and you if you are the anxious partner or the or the more anxious partner then your emotional intensity is really the greatest gift that you can afford this partner so do not hide it do not walk on eggshells do not try to suppress that okay now you might say well I thought I was supposed to give them space so stick with me for a second because I want to offer you three reasons why this emotional intensity is a gift to your partner so the first thing avoiding Partners close up because that was the safest way to find relief from fear and anxiety in their experience to the threat to their attachment relationships and it it they were right they've developed this coping mechanism because it was the most functional way to survive in the environments in which they grew up or in the the social structures in which they grew up but in doing so they also learn to shut out all the good feelings shut out all the bad feelings but also shut out all the good feelings and so they haven't seen or experienced proof enough proof in their life that the pain if they were to allow in the pain is worth the pleasure that might come with it and so your emotions can be evidence the evidence that they need to see the value in opening up right secondly if you are the partner that is walking on neg shells when you do this you accommodate and perpetuate those coping mechanisms you allow that partner to hide from you and then you wind up hiding from them right because when you're when you allow them to hide from you you clam up you walk on eggshells you don't want to push too hard because you don't want to seem like a burden all of a sudden you're doing the same thing aren't you you are hiding from them and so now it's a cycle where both partners are losing out on the depth of connection and understanding that could be exchanged in this relationship so your emotions if you are the anxious partner or the more anxious partner is really a potent energy that can catalyze both of you out of hiding right and sometimes the relationship become so tumultuous because it does you both feel really exposed and now all your defense mechanisms are in an uproar because you don't know what to do with that exposure now number three your pain if you are experiencing pain in this kind of tumultuous situation the pain is a consequence of avoiding pain let's call that a behavior that was functional and now is dysfunctional because they're in a new situation where love is trying to come in and they're not allowing it in and so unless we express how we feel then we are withholding the consequence of that dysfunctional Behavior we're not giving our partners any reason to change you want to curl up like a little crab and pull in and you want to tighten up and and you want to just wait for the storm to pass okay I'll just let you do that there's no impetus to change right because they haven't seen the proof of changing as yet and you're just letting that happen so there's no reason for them to change simultanously if you do that now you're keeping yourself stagnant not truly knowing if the two of you are compatible it's really just defensive communication now and defensive patterning and coping mechanisms that are going on between you it's all this goop layer on top of what is the real connection here okay so unless you're willing to work through communication which is why I believe communication is the rule out factor to find out if you really are compatible unless you're willing to work through that communication you're never going to know if you really are compatible because maybe beneath all of that triggering goop you really do have the same value priorities and vision for the future right but if you're too worried about coming from a place of fear and self- protection then you're never going to find out if it's possible to explore those things together right and that's why our emotions are a catalyzing gift for change in an avoidant partner is if they're ready to receive it right now they have to be ready to receive it they need to be willing to step up to the plate so you can do your due diligence meaning you know learning how to express your feelings to a partner can be somewhat of a fine artart because it is important what you say and how you say it especially to an avoidant partner I would argue that many of us in Western culture at least have been taught terrible communication skills and oftentimes I'll encounter clients who say well I am being honest about how I feel but they're not they're using language that they were taught to this is how you express how you feel but it's actually defensive language that puts people on the defense so for example well I told them how I felt I told them I felt abandoned abandoned is not a feeling word abandoned is an evaluation of what they are doing it's still decentering you okay because there's an invisible by you at the end of that sentence I feel abandoned by you and so you're still criticizing evaluating what the other person is or is not doing you're still assessing what is my proximity to them in this relationship and so on so how do we shift that language well we Center it back inside the body and we notice that feelings are energy moving through your body so when you feel abandoned what is that energy moving through your body how does that feel hollow heavy lonely detached and so on maybe angry frustrated helpless right so these are words that are closer to the energetic emotional experience that you're having and the closer we can express ourselves in approximation to the truth of what we're experiencing the more the less time you spend trying to fill up the space between you and someone someone else out of fear and the more time you spend sucking that right back into your own centered grounded energy holding that Center Line and saying this is what I'm feeling what's going on inside of me and I'm going to extend the invitation because I want to connect with you I want to invite you into being a contributor to my emotional experience and if you decline to participate in that experience then that's really good information for me that lets me know our degree of compatibility okay so if you want to learn more about how to avoid walking on eggshells and trying to let's say step out of your Center through things like that I encourage you I'm going to leave a link in the caption of this video or in the replay that will give you a link to my course the courageous Communicator which is available now and it's going to walk you through my threep hip communication formula and how to do this particularly in insecure relationships okay so just an aside about that also remember to subscribe and ring the bell for notifications I put out videos once a week and I wouldn't want you to miss out