♪ ♪ <i> ANNOUNCER: We now return to</i> Lassie,<i> starring Vin Diesel.</i> <i> What is it, Lassie?</i> <i> (Vin Diesel mumbling)</i> <i> There's a fire down at the old church?</i> <i> (mumbling)</i> <i> And The Rock won't return your texts or phone calls?</i> <i> (mumbling)</i> <i> He totally blew you off backstage</i> <i> at the</i> Kids' Choice Awards? <i> Was he hosting or just presenting?</i> <i> -(mumbling) -Oh, well, that's why.</i> Hey, fellas, three more beers and a Johnnie Wheeler? Yep. Man, I love drinking on a Saturday morning. Thank God I figured out how to sneak out of my house. Has anyone seen your father? I swear he was just here a minute ago. (bell dings) (sizzling) -Hi, Dad. -I'm a waffle. Peter, you're not going to The Clam, are you? PETER: Waffle! Now prepare yourselves 'cause the sun is never brighter than when you're day-drinking. Oh, I think I can handle... ALL: Aah! I'm sorry for reading people's mail. Look, one of them scooters you see everywhere what runs by a app. Boy, if this is what we get, imagine what the military has. What? It's a perfectly reasonable comment. You know, the military had the Internet way before we did. GPS, drones, you name it. Look around, guys. It's an amazing time to be alive. ♪ ♪ ♪<i> Wonders</i> ♪ ♪<i> We're surrounded by wonders</i> ♪ ♪<i> That phone in your pocket could power a rocket</i> ♪ ♪<i> But what does the military have?</i> ♪ Joe's song made me kind of want to try it. All right, now to scan this simple code like every middle-aged white guy. It's not... I can't... I'm doing exactly what it said. I-I... Do I take a picture, or...? Is there an actual person I can talk to? -'Cause it's not working. -(scooter beeps) Oh, okay. No, wait, now it's doing something. -(chuckles) Computers, am I right? -No, you're not. -"Push off." -(strained) You're choking me. (whooping) ♪<i> Holiday road</i> ♪ ♪<i> Holiday road</i> ♪ ♪<i> Holiday road.</i> ♪ Peter, where are we going? PETER: Relax. It's our nation's capital. I'm just a fan of history. Peter, what are you up to? What? I just love our government. Or at least I used to. Hey, Cleveland, wake up. No, don't wake him. Don't wake him. I don't think he wants to be reminded. <i> (The Cleveland Show</i> theme song plays) All those in favor of a giant key ring for our jail cell, say "aye." Mayor West, four citizens have gone missing. They were last seen heading south on a Bird scooter. Saddle my horse. ♪ ♪ As mayor, I reckon it's my duty to round up the strays and bring 'em back to safety. -He-yaw! -(clears throat) -Oops, sorry. They-yaw! -(neighs) -Thank you. -(cheering) ♪<i> Holiday road</i> ♪ ♪<i> Holiday road.</i> ♪ All right, I've been driving for 18 hours. Someone else take the wheel-- aah! -Loose opioid! -(wheels screeching) (all shout) ♪ ♪ Oh, crap. A alligator. Oh, hey. Would you consider not eating us? Uh... yeah. Maybe. -Oh, thank God. -I think "maybe" means "no." He's just being polite. He's gonna eat us. (growls) (all shout) (groans) (all cheering) WEST: Well, look at that, six summers at Lasso Camp finally paid off. That's where you learned to use the ropes? No, it was<i> Ted Lasso</i> Camp. That's where I learned to be nice funny. Sometimes comedy is building people up. I know, I know. It's hard to change. ♪ ♪ (crowd cheering) Yep, we're back from space, everyone. We did it. They know you weren't in space, Peter. There are social media posts of you crying 'cause you couldn't stop a scooter. But we're still glad you're home. Boy, Mayor West is a hero, always saving the day. One day, I want to be mayor. Well, Stewie, it's a noble aspiration. A good start would be learning about politics -and getting involved at school. -Eh, I suppose so. DOUG: A vote for Doug is a vote for progress. Oh, hey, Stewie. I had no idea I'd run into the town square in the Town Square. Are you gonna go down the hot metal slide in shorts again? Yes, Doug, I made a mistake. That's how you learn things. What are those flyers for? I'm running for preschool snack captain. Throwing my diaper into the ring. All the snack captain does is wear a paper hat while the teacher passes out Goldfish crackers. Sure, but you know what they say. "Today, snack captain, tomorrow, mayor." -Mayor? -This is just a formality. My opponent Noah got foot-in-mouth disease, so I'm running unopposed. I'd really have to put my foot in my mouth to lose. FUAD: Ho-ho. Is funny because wordplay. Huh, I guess Fuad still lives in Quahog. Brian, Stewie Griffin is now running for snack captain. And I will defeat that jerk Doug. Well, we got our fellas back, and I reached my steps today. -What's that? -Oh, it's a watch that tracks the number of steps I take each day. Wow. ♪ ♪ ♪<i> Wonders</i> ♪ ♪<i> We're surrounded by wonders</i> ♪ ♪<i> Look around and be amazed</i> ♪ ♪<i> That pad on your lap could buy a shirt at the Gap</i> ♪ ♪<i> But what does the military have?</i> ♪ He was asking too many questions. All right. Listen, Rupert. I'm running for snack captain, and our lives are going to be under the microscope more than they ever have before. So all I'm gonna say is, I just want to applaud you again on your commitment to sobriety. What do you mean "wine doesn't count"? Yes, rosé is wine. And I don't want to hear the term "California sober" come out of your mouth. Hey, Stewie. Brian, I want you to be my campaign manager. Really? What do I have to do? You'll be in charge of setting up my war room -and situation room and sex room. -Sex room? (quietly): Shh, I can't let Mr. Dramatic over there know. I don't know. This is already weird. Please, Brian. I need this. I need this the way a shoe salesman needs that foot-measuring device. I can say with absolute scientific certainty that you're a 10 1/2. Now let me get you some shoes that still may or may not fit. ♪ ♪ Hey, Stewie, a little birdie told me you've thrown your hat into the snack captain ring. Actually it was a tweet. (chuckling) I just want to say I hope we can have a fair campaign and forget any past tension between us. Consider them forgotten, like<i> La La Land,</i> the most celebrated movie ever made that suddenly no one remembers, mentions, or cares about. (kids laughing) -Oh, he nailed you. -I'm voting for Doug. I'm too young to deliver a joke. Well, looks like the gloves are off. But I've taken on bigger challenges. Like playing a game of Paul Simon Says. Paul Simon says Art Garfunkel is a loser. Oh, come on, Paul. It's been 40 years. Let it go. Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs. We know that. No one is denying you credit. Paul Simon says five-two is the cutoff for being really short, -not five-three. -You know what? I'm bored. I'm gonna play Simon Cowell Says. Simon Cowell says men should wear low V-necks -and have breasts. -Thank you for One Direction. ♪ ♪ -(keyboards clacking) -(indistinct chatter) Stewie, our polls show that your classmates see you as aloof. We need a photo op of you kissing a baby. All right, well, make it a BOC. -A what? -A baby of color. Stewie, what's going on? I thought I was your campaign manager. I want you and Chris to compete for my favor. I will reward absolute loyalty, even if you have to go to prison for it. -And who are all these people? -College Republicans. When they're not on Barstool or wearing boat shoes nowhere near a boat, they're here. I've also scheduled a whistle-stop tour of the playground. You need to reach the seesaw kids, the slide kids, and spend time with the jungle gym kids so they know they have your support. Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell. I'll make a speech even greater than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy. <i> KEN HARRELSON: He gone!</i> <i> -(applause and cheering) -(air horns blowing)</i> ♪ ♪ <i> CHRIS: Stewie, this debate is make-or-break.</i> I've been working on a strong opening. Take control early, get 'em on your side, and it's easier to keep them there. Stewie, would you like to begin? Thank you. My friends, this election is about the future of snack time. I disagree. This election is about you. (cheering) <i> CHRIS: Who is this guy? I love him.</i> And may I call your attention to my opponent's actions during the attack on The Capitol? Here is Stewie waving to supporters safely behind barricades. And here he is with Josh Hawley, fleeing the riot they helped stoke. (laughing) Wow, what a little bitch. (laughing) Uh-oh. Doug... are you okay? (grunting) My God, is Doug... pooping his pants? (farts) ALL: Ew! What a godsend. We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug. He'll never shake it. He surged in the polls? It humanized him, made him more relatable. Well, two can play at that game. (grunting) Global events conspired to push us off the front page. ♪ ♪ Chris, the election's tomorrow. It's do-or-die time. What the hell? You work for Doug now? I'm sorry, Stewie. Your campaign is a sinking ship. I need a winner. I'm a professional. You'd abandon your brother like that? Sorry, but that's the way things go on<i> The Hill.</i> ♪ ♪ What? Is that-- is that a thing? No. What you just saw was a sizzle reel that cost me $75,000 of my own money. Friends told me not to use my own money. (chuckles) "What do they know?" I told myself at the time. The network decided not to move forward with it. But they said they still love being in the Chris Griffin business. ♪ ♪ Brian, you're a loyal dog, and you've got a belly rub coming. Maybe something a little more. But first we've got to find dirt on Doug. All right, there's his campaign headquarters. You stand lookout, and I'll sneak inside looking for dirt. Stay focused. Don't lick your balls. God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls. ♪ ♪ My God, Doug's got a file on me. "Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses." "Shapes"? How dare he? And to think I let him into my innermost rhombus of trust. It's hard to rectangle this with the Doug I knew. (phone chimes) Okay, the Internet is not enjoying the shape jokes. Wait, what do we have here? Doug still uses a pacifier? Oh, wait till the papers hear about this. Damn it, get your act together down there, you kooks. ♪ ♪ And that, my fellow classmates, is how I discovered that Courteney Cox bleaches her starfish. Anyway, got off on a tangent there, but more germane to this election, I have discovered that my opponent still uses this! (gasping) Are you willing to vote for a representative who literally sucks? I think not. Stewie Griffin for snack captain. Thank you, Stewie. Doug, final remarks? Ladies and gentlemen of the preschool, we all know Stewie has a brother and a sister. Have you ever wondered why they are so much older than Stewie? Where is this going? Well, I have, and I did some research. What I found confirms the dark secret that I already suspected... Stewie Griffin was a "whoops baby." What the devil are you talking about? Stewie Griffin was a mistake! (gasping) -Oh, my God. -A mistake? He's a big fat phony. Okay, I think I know whose kid that is. That's impossible. How could you know that? Oh, I had a very reliable source. Tell me what you know. MEG'S VOICE: Stewie's a mistake. How do you know this? Because I'm his brother. (exclaims) Hey, Stewie. What's wrong? In an effort to win the election, Doug has stooped to the most preposterous of lies and mudslinging. He claims I was a whoops baby. A mistake. Well, if you think about it, it, it is possible. No, it's not. That's absurd. To be honest, I've wondered the same thing. You are much younger than Chris and Meg. Lois and Peter had two children back-to-back, a boy and a girl, one of each, and then stopped. And those two were already a stretch for Peter's meager salary. I mean, don't you think it's a little odd that their plan would include waiting 14 years, until Lois was in her 40s-- not exactly prime reproductive years-- to have their third child? I-I'm not saying it's true, but if you do the math, it kind of makes sense. My God, everything about this is terrible. Why do you think Peter keeps leaving you on the fire station steps? Most things about this are terrible. Come on, little guy, time to go to the fire station. Let me just fix my face. All right, let's go. ♪ ♪ I can't believe they never bothered to tell me I was a mistake. Well, I'll get my revenge by using the one trump card every baby has. I'll refuse to put on my shoes. Stewie, let's get your shoes on. We're going out. Oh, oka-- Hold still, Stewie. Come on, let me get your shoes on. Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking. Will you just-- Will you hold still? Damn it. Stop kick-- Stewie. (exhales) Well, so much for going to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show. Dangly Shiny Keys Show? What are we waiting for? Let's go. (joyful clamoring) What were you upset about earlier? I don't know, I don't remember. Me neither, but this is amazing. ♪ ♪ What are we doing at this coffee shop, Stewie? This is Lois's favorite spot and I hacked their system so they only accept Apple Pay. She's gonna have no clue what to do. I'm sorry, we only take Apple Pay. Oh, wha...? I-Is that on my computer? Yeah, and if you don't have it, we're gonna have to take the coffee back. SHAWN MENDES: You'll do no such thing. Shawn Mendes?! That's right. Wherever a suburban mom is having trouble with a phone thing, I'll be there. Give me your phone. -(phone chimes) -Here's your coffee. WOMAN: What do you mean the menu's online? I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere. SINGERS: ♪<i> Shawn Mendes.</i> ♪ ♪ ♪ All right, time for a little payback. Let's see how the fat man feels about having a mistake baby when he has to listen to that same child blast rebellious rock and roll. -♪<i> Sugar...</i> ♪ -("Sugar Sugar" by The Archies playing) Ha! How do you like that, old man? If it's too loud, you're too old! Hey, what's going on down here? I love this song. No. No, you're supposed to be mad about this. I do have an issue with the volume, though. -Oh, yeah, here we go. -It needs to be louder. ♪<i> Honey...</i> ♪ Hey, we heard The Archies, so we brought punch. What? No. No. This is supposed to be making you furious. Oh, God, this music is making me lose it. Should we order two cheese pizzas? -Uh, yeah. -I'm in. Hey, Quagmire, Betty or Veronica? Both. -♪<i> Oh, Quagmire</i> ♪ -♪<i> Oh, sugar</i> ♪ -♪<i> Who else but Quagmire?</i> ♪ -♪<i> Oh, honey, honey.</i> ♪ -Hey, Stewie. -What do you want? Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever broke this whoops baby story to sink your campaign never intended you to take it personally. There's something I think you should see. What? You've got a secret weapons room? Not exactly. It's a porn room. These are impressively organized and cataloged. People in the community like things well-labeled, so I developed the Spewey Decimal System. I don't want to sound like a square, but if you put this level of effort into your schoolwork, you could really soar. See that? That's a mint condition 1983 Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn sex tape. Never been opened. Market value of $150K. Well, if it's never been opened, how do you know it's the real thing? Oh, it's the real thing. People in the community trust each other. Stop saying "people in the community." I prefer not to picture that community. Anyway, there's one I think you might be interested in. This is dated exactly nine months before I was born. You have a whole shelf of Lois and the Fat Man's sex tapes? I have the camera in there on a grunt sensor. There's a lot of Dad just going to the bathroom. That's disturbing even to me, and I've been to an<i> Eyes Wide Shut</i> party. Sorry, sir, there's a strict 800-penis limit. If I let you in, the fire marshal will be all over my back. But the fire marshal's on that guy's back. Yeah, but he'll get off his back and on my back. It's a great party. ♪ ♪ <i> Hey, everyone, I'm Peter Griffin,</i> <i> and this is my</i> Real World<i> audition.</i> <i> LOIS: Peter... there's something I want to do.</i> <i> PETER: Oh, God, I know that look.</i> <i> You're ovulating. Wha-What are you doing?</i> <i> -(Lois grunts) -No. No! Aah!</i> <i> -(screaming) -(moaning)</i> <i> (Lois grunting)</i> Wow. Lois has strong thighs. <i> Please, no! (groaning)</i> <i> Fine, just get it over with.</i> <i> I'm gonna be a mom again!</i> <i> My existence is justified.</i> CHRIS' VOICE: The old man's got quite a meat bag on him, huh? This... was the night I was conceived? (chuckles) Yep. That's how it happened with all of us, Stewie. That's why we're trash people. But this means... technically I'm only half an accident. -Yep. -Thanks, Chris. It was me. I was complimenting my own meat bag. Brian, say hello to the new snack captain. You actually won? Wow, congrats, Stewie. I thought you being a mistake ruined your chances. How'd you pull it off? It turns out 70% of the kids' parents aren't married and 30% are mistakes. Nobody gets married anymore. One kid doesn't even have parents. He just kind of appeared. Sleeps in one of the cubbies. I mean, that's the story I would have told this week, but whatever. Oh, and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning. (indis) Everyone, welcome to our summer block party. -Now, eat and drink up. -Yeah. And also enjoy Pandora. It's great music, and all the ads are tailored to me. <i> ANNOUNCER: Try Hims for Men.</i> <i> If you're experiencing erectile dysfunction,</i> <i> Hims for Men delivers right to your door.</i> <i> Don't tell your doctor about your heart problem,</i> <i> or he might not give you the penis pill.</i> <i> Hims for Men.</i> Uh, must be some kind of mix-up. I-I don't even know what that product is. Hi. I have an unmarked, discreet delivery -addressed to "Peter Griffin's Penis"? -Ah, yes. I will take these business papers. Thank you. This was supposed to be here yesterday. I had to use tape and a Popsicle stick. All right, time to Slippery Slide. You sure? Slippery Slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps. Really? 'Cause the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun. -Hi. -Hola. I'm a real boy who was put here by a witch. Okay, Bri, watch and learn. (laughing) Yay! Fun! Aah! (grunts) Ah, public humiliation. You must be a United States senator. (laughs) Good one, Joe. Come join me at the barbecue with the other favored men. Yeah, we're having a blast. No, no, no. No, no. No. Wow, Meg insisted that one corner of the grill be vegan, and then she ate a rib in front of everybody. She's all over the place today. Oh, my God, there's blood in my pants. And it's coming from my crotch. I've seen enough commercials during<i> The Good Wife</i> to know there's only one explanation. Rupert, I'm having my period. It's a true rite of passage, like an Italian's baptism. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, you will now drive a Camaro, hate every minute of your yearly vacation to Italy and get very upset when your sister starts to date. Sorry I'm late. I brought Clark. MEN: Hey! Father, drown me in this water. She's breaking my heart. I'm exhausted. Three beers at a barbecue, and my whole night was hand-against-the-wall pees. What happened to me? I feel like... I feel like I'm in a funk. CLEVELAND: I'm also in a funk. But, nah, I, too, feel age-related weariness. Yeah, I'm also pretty down. My real estate agent died. -What? -My real estate agent. Like most single men, my only Christmas cards are from my realtor and the guy who sold me my car. We kind of aged together. ♪<i> I seem to recognize</i> ♪ ♪<i> Your face</i> ♪ (dialogue inaudible) ♪<i> Haunting familiar, yet I can't seem</i> ♪ ♪<i> To place it</i> ♪ ♪<i> Cannot find the candle of thought</i> ♪ ♪<i> To light your name</i> ♪ ♪<i> Lifetimes are catching up with me</i> ♪ ♪<i> All these changes taking place</i> ♪ ♪<i> I wish I'd seen the place</i> ♪ ♪<i> But no one's ever taken me</i> ♪ ♪<i> Hearts and thoughts, they fade</i> ♪ ♪<i> Fade away</i> ♪ ♪<i> Hearts and thoughts, they fade</i> ♪ ♪<i> Fade.</i> ♪ How did he die? He was screwing a client's wife, and the guy shot him. You know, I'm pretty down, too. The other day, I was watching the birthdays segment on<i> Entertainment Tonight.</i> Axl Rose is 60. Wow, 60? Cleveland, how old is Heavy D? -Dead. -Aw, that sucks. And I don't know about you guys, but I'm terrified of everything now. Like teenagers. I hear that. If I see one on my route, I don't deliver the mail. -What do you do with it? -Throw it in the ocean. A seagull once fished out a college acceptance letter. Got to go to Fordham. Welcome to the Fordham class of 2026. (seagull squawking) (chuckles): All right. Glad someone's excited. Man, what the hell happened to us? Why are we such losers? ♪ ♪ Sounds like you fellas are finding yourselves in a trough. Oh, hey, Mr. Mayor. How are you? Hey, can we talk about expanding bike lanes in urban centers? -Quagmire, shut up.<i> -You</i> shut up. We're not gonna change the Earth with silence, Peter. If I may say so, I think you boys need to stop sitting in bars and cubicles and go recapture your frontier spirit. Two terrible airlines? I own a dude ranch on the outskirts of town. You fellas should spend a weekend there. You'd be surprised what a man can achieve when he steps away from the comforts of city life. I bet you'll find your courage and, who knows, maybe even some peace of mind. Well, I think going there sounds like a great idea. Yeah, it's exactly what we need. -I'm in! -I've never seen a horse. Great, it's settled. We are going to a dude ranch. -All right! -Yeehaw! I happen to know Austin, Texas, has eight-foot bicycle lanes. Now, I'm not looking for anything that expansive, but if a greener Quahog is what we're after, I think we've got to start moving the needle. Oh, so just get rid of the sidewalks? That's not what I'm saying, Joe. It sounds like that's what you're saying. Hey, whatever this is? Wrap it up before y'all show up to the ranch. Yes, sir. And do we need special clothes -for ranch dressing? -I'd wrap that up, too. ♪ ♪ (car door closes) -Wow, look at this place. -It's pretty cool. Oh, that's a horse. I've seen those. -Morning, fellas. -Morning, Mr. Mayor. Hey, can I get a room far away from the ice machine? -Ice machine? -See, that's... that's why I want to be away from it. Fellas, I think we had a miscommunication. This isn't a hotel. It's a working ranch. You'll do your chores during the day and sleep in the barn at night. What? I thought this was a vacation. Yeah, I thought it'd be fun, like<i> Young Guns</i> with Kiefer Sutherland and Blue Diamond Walnuts. Sorry, but you're not gonna find your pioneer spirit in a hotel. Here, have a hat. My own cowboy hat. Listen up. This isn't just a hat. It's an oath. An oath that you'll live by the cowboy's code of honor. You'll wear it at all times. You'll put it over your face when you sleep, over your chest when you're delivering bad news, and over your privates when an outhouse falls down comically around you. PETER: Aah! Help! Mine's small enough that I don't need the hat. We're gonna fix that. Oh, Rupert, I need my heat pad, I need Kate, I need Leo, and I need ice cream. And I need not a word from you about it. -Hey, Stewie. -Oh, hey, Bri. Guess who woke up to a<i> Red Dawn?</i> -What? -You know. Bobbin' with the Red Robin. Call off<i> The Hunt for Red October,</i> because we found it. Red Rover, Red Rover, can't go in the pool today, over. None of these are actual phrases. Says the man. I'm having my period. It's like<i> The Shining</i> elevator down there. My 21st Century Box has been conquered by Eric the Very Red. Yeah, this is getting dangerously close to a<i> Will & Grace</i> now. But if you're bleeding down there, it's clearly because you hurt yourself on the Slippery Slide. Oh, yeah? If I'm not having my period, then why am I drinking herbal tea from a large earthenware mug with no handle on it? Stewie, trust me, boys can't get periods. Brian, it's 2022-- there's no such thing as a boy anymore. Or a girl. Just a vast sea of chubby "theys" and "thems," so coddled by their sanctimonious woke parents who think activism is virtue-signaling on Instagram. If Martin Luther King could come back, and see what they were doing in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. (slurping) Maybe... maybe you are having your period. If you fellas are gonna become cowboys, the first thing we need to do is pair you all up -with a horse. -Great. -I want this one. -Now, hold on, Peter. Real cowboys don't choose their horse. The horse chooses them. ♪<i> If you leave</i> ♪ ♪<i> Don't leave now</i> ♪ ♪<i> Please don't take</i> ♪ ♪<i> My heart away</i> ♪ ♪<i> Promise me</i> ♪ ♪<i> Just one more night</i> ♪ ♪<i> Then we'll go our separate ways</i> ♪ ♪<i> We've always had time on our sides</i> ♪ ♪<i> Now it's fading fast</i> ♪ ♪<i> Every second, every moment</i> ♪ ♪<i> We've got to, we gotta make it last</i> ♪ ♪<i> I touch you once</i> ♪ ♪<i> I touch you twice</i> ♪ ♪<i> I won't let go at any price</i> ♪ ♪<i> I need you now like I need you then</i> ♪ ♪<i> You always said we'd still be friends</i> ♪ ♪<i> Someday</i> ♪ ♪<i> If you leave, I won't cry</i> ♪ ♪<i> I won't waste one single day</i> ♪ ♪<i> But if you leave, don't look back</i> ♪ ♪<i> I'll be running the other way</i> ♪ ♪<i> Seven years went under the bridge</i> ♪ ♪<i> Like time standing still</i> ♪ ♪<i> Heaven knows what happens now</i> ♪ ♪<i> You've got to, you got to say you.</i> ♪ (crickets chirping) Hey, Peter, just wanted to make sure you're okay. Yeah, I was pretty bummed, but then I found these great desserts labeled "cow pie." Hmm. You're off to a real bad start here, Peter. Just a real bad start. ♪ ♪ Wow, can't believe we're doing a real cattle drive. I know, look at us. We're cowboys. Now, hold on, you fellas ain't cowboys yet. Not until you blaze your own trails. A buddy of mine in high school could blaze his own trail. Used to do it on the floor of the locker room and we'd be like, "Aah." While I appreciate the anecdote, we like to keep our entendre singular out here on the prairie. Yes, sir. What I mean, fellas, is that to find your courage, you need to do the last leg of this journey on your own and drive these cattle back to camp. Awesome. I'll drive this one. Peter, the cattle chooses you. ♪<i> But if you leave, don't look back</i> ♪ ♪<i> I'll be running the.</i> ♪ ♪ ♪ Rupert, where's my Kotex sanitary belt? And do we still have any Wampole's vaginal cones? Well, this is weird. No blood. It's only been a day, I don't understand. No, I'm not going to ask about feminine hygiene issues on 4chan. You've got to relax with that site, man. Ah, here we are. "Short-term, sporadic bleeding "is generally not due to a period, but is more indicative of spotting." Spotting? What's spotting? Oh, my God, Rupert. I'm pregnant! How did this happen? Ah, what do you care anyway? I'm sure you'll do what you always do, and bury yourself in your work. (phone vibrating) (door opens) I have Stewie on one. He says he's been trying your cell. Uh, Stewie, he just stepped into a meeting. We'll have to return. One... two... This court rules that the farmer has violated the Americans with Disabilities Act. The farm hereby belongs to the sheep. One. Guys, I can't go to sleep without watching a<i> Frasier</i> rerun. Can one of you please tell me a<i> Frasier?</i> All right. Once upon a time, Frasier auditioned for a community play... No, not that one. One-one where he's with Niles. That's fair, those are the best ones. Once upon a time, Frasier and Niles were invited to a dinner party and both brought the same wine. (snoring) Look at that, already asleep. Hmm, guess everyone'e sleeping. It's just me and you, Mr. Bear. (growling) B-B-B-Bear?! (all scream) It's okay, guys, we might be getting attacked by a bear, or we might just be on<i> Bear Scares.</i> What's<i> Bear Scares?</i> Only Latvia's number-one bear prank show. -Aah! -(roars) <i> ANNOUNCER:</i> Bear Scares--<i> Latvia's number-one bear prank show.</i> <i> Now available on tapes sold on blankets</i> <i> by African guys in New York City.</i> Bear Scares--<i> gorrgul.</i> <i> ANNOUNCER 2: Bears sound different in Latvia.</i> (growls, roars) What are we gonna do?! Oh, no! The bear's going after Quagmire. Aah! I'm gonna run behind this tree and then the bear's gonna drag me out. Me, and very clearly not a dummy who he then tosses around. (growls) Aah! Oh, no. I'm being tossed around. Oh, God. Now we're all gonna be tossed around. (growling) PETER: Oh, no. Oh no, help. JOE: Make him stop. Aah! This is the real me! My dummy's riding a horse! Giddy-up. Yaw. Lil Nas X. Well, glad to see you're no longer crying on the couch. Yes, it turns out I was wrong about my period. Good. I'm glad you came to your senses. -Because I'm pregnant. -I'll pay to get rid of it. I-I'm sorry that's... that's just a reflex. Yes, I freaked out at first, too, but I... <i> we</i> decided it's for the best. So, if it's a boy, I'm naming him Timothée after Timothée Chalamet, and if it's a girl, I'm naming her Chalamet after Timothée Chalamet. What do you mean you don't like him? Name another A-list actor who couldn't sit in the front of a car because he's too light. Stewie, this is ridiculous. You don't like him either? For God's sake, he looks like a marionette who broke loose from his strings. He's a daintier Eddie Redmayne. If there's another actor who you can put in your checked baggage without going over the limit, I'd like to hear it. Damn it, Stewie, you're not pregnant. Oh, boy. The dog knows he'll lose attention when the baby comes. You are the baby! A male baby. Look, I know all kids like to play make-believe and pretend to be adults. Sometimes they even convince themselves of it. Now, you've brought a new twist to this-- I don't want to diminish how weird this is-- but it's time for it to stop. Because for God's sake, you are not pregnant. (crying) Okay, look, I-I didn't mean to break it to you so harshly. No, no. I just realized now that I'm pregnant, I can't eat sushi. (sighs) You know what? Fine. -You're pregnant. -Thank you. It's just too bad you're gonna gain all that weight. -What? -When you're pregnant, you gain, like, 30 pounds. 30 pounds? But I only weigh 15. Well, no matter. At least I'll sleep comfortably and continue to have the same-sized, not-swollen feet. But I just bought Thom Browne boots. I got them for myself as a push present. Sorry, Stewie. Enjoy the miracle of life. Oh, dear. Perhaps being pregnant will be more difficult than I thought. And we still have to plan a gender reveal party. Okay, would you rather do a cake reveal or burn Napa to the ground? (birds chirping) Oh, man, that bear kicked our asses. Well, thank God we're all okay. <i> Good job, Joe. You stayed positive.</i> <i> It's why you're the rock of the group.</i> Wait a minute, where's my cowboy hat? I think the bear took it. Who gives a (bleep)? What the hell, Joe? I always saw you as the rock of the group. Damn it! Don't you see, fellas? We made a oath to the mayor to get our manhood back. And our hats are that manhood. So, we've got to find that bear and get it back. I don't know, that sounds dangerous. Come on, the whole reason we came here is 'cause we've turned into cowards. The mayor wanted us to finish this cattle drive like real cowboys, and that's exactly what we're gonna do. We'll do it with courage and teamwork. Who's with me? Yeah, that's the spirit. Well, Bri, I'm heading out for sushi in my new boots. So I'm guessing you got rid of the baby? Yes, it was a tough decision. But today I took a morning-after cocktail of Flintstones vitamins, Ovaltine, castor oil, and a splash of Dr. Pepper, since its name is both a medical professional and a vegetable. Well, I think you made the right decision. Me too. I'm probably the only person under 18 ever to say this, but being pregnant is fun until it forces you to make sacrifices in any way. Uh, yeah, I guess that's an okay takeaway. I just hope little Timothée or Chalamet understands. I think he or she would have grown up to be a strong woman or a very weak man. So, uh, you know that you were never pregnant, right? Yes, I went to the hospital for a sonogram and got yelled at by an angry nurse. In case you were wondering whether she likes nonsense, she, um... she does not. ♪ ♪ I can't believe we haven't found the bear yet. I was sure he'd be lured in by my tax portfolio seminar. (growling) (all scream) Aah! Uh-oh. I'm gonna get<i> Revenant-ed.</i> Remember that movie we all said was amazing and then immediately forgot? (roars) Don't worry, Peter, we got this. (roaring) (grunts) -Yeah! -All right! And I lassoed his neck so he can masturbate. Now give me back my hat, you son of a bitch. WEST: Good job, fellas. You really showed me something. (all gasp) Old Man West? The owner of the ranch? Peter, this isn't<i> Scooby-Doo.</i> You ever notice how most<i> Scooby-Doo</i> villains are small businessmen? Who doesn't like small businessmen? Odd choice by the creators. Sorry to put you boys through the paces, but I felt like you needed a little nudge to find your courage. Here, Peter, you earned this. Thanks, Mr. Mayor. I'm gonna wear this hat forever. Actually, Peter, the hat chooses you. ♪<i> If you leave, I won't cry</i> ♪ ♪<i> I won't waste one single day.</i> ♪ Oh, it's good to have you home, Peter. Thanks. The ranch was nice, but I think the big lesson here is that no experience is worth -sleeping on the ground. -Oh, God, no. And my groin is a raging fire from one day on a horse. Kids, don't ever do things you don't normally do. You'll just be punished for it. (cackles) My blue-collar dad is hostile to new experiences. -(car horn honking) -Well, that's Bonnie and Donna. -I have to go. -What? Oh, the mayor also runs a ranch for women trying to get in touch with their femininity. Ladies, these grocery carts are an oath. Pretty sure the male version of this is better. I might say the same thing about<i> Ghostbusters.</i> t chat) So what's the big emergency? Why did everyone have to come in on a Monday? I'm afraid we have troubling news. Due to budget cuts, we'll be laying off one employee. (indistinct murmuring) The Internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe. -So, is Derek Jeter safe? -Safe! -What? -He's half black. -What? What do you need, glasses? -No, I don't need glasses. -He's white by a mile. He tucks -You're the one who needs glasses. -his T-shirts into his pants. -A lot of people do that. -And what happened to this kind of coach-umpire confrontation? -It's a body temperature issue. -I know, I miss it, too. -It used to happen a lot in the '70s -but doesn't seem to happen that much anymore. It's a connection -Replay has really taken a lot -to a bygone era when men settled their differences -of intimacy out of the game. -face-to-face, -I agree. That's what we're doing now. -thrusting their chests into one another. -I miss having a guy yell -in my mouth. -And while we're talking about stuff, -I've never cleaned my ice trays. -Oh, you have to do that. -Why do I have to? -You're poisoning your family. -It's just water and water. What's the big deal? -Carrying an ice tray from the freezer to the sink is like ringing the damn dinner bell for arm hairs. Come to think of it, I do remember seeing a few -short hairs in my ice cubes -Of course they're getting in there. -that I'm hoping were from my arm. -Clean your trays. Oh, cool off, Griffin. It is no big deal. It's just that someone's getting fired -in front of everybody tomorrow. -Well, that sounds fine. I guess I'll just see you-- What?! Old joke. You're out. -Old joke? I put my own twist on it. -There was no twist. -Oh, you're crazy. It was a tip of the hat to my son. -I'm crazy? You're lazy. -If anything, it's a gift to our long-time viewers. -Oh, what a gift. Merry Christmas. Here's a warmed-over turd from ten years ago. Okay, I can do this. No need to be nervous. Just show 'em that I'm good at my job. That's it. Easy peasy. (chuckles): Hey there, PG. Been a minute. Hey, Ernie. I mean, I mean Cookie Monst-- I mean Bert. Bert. Sorry. Oh, it's okay, Peter. Just do what you would normally do. Pretend I'm not here. Oh, pretend you're not here? All right. God, that Bert is an idiot. What a pud. But I wouldn't mind getting to know that Sheila a little better. She's got a great dumper. And by dumper, I mean fecal thoroughfare. -(phone ringing) -Should I...? Yeah, answer it. Could be important for the company. (exhales) Goodbye? Ah, shoot. Opposite of that, yeah? Let's roll to the break room, Peter. We're ready to announce who's getting fired. Oh, sure, if Sheila and her wastemaker are gonna be there. Please stop talking about my wife's anal processes. Opie, will you accept this stein? (babbling) Bachelor Nick? Why are you here? They make me come to all these things. Cool. How's Vanessa? -We broke up. -Aw. I would murder my family for one hour with Corinne. Eh, she was a little young. You know how stupid you sound? Peter, take a step forward. I-I'm sorry. I-I keep messing up. You're seeing me at my worst. I'm very nervous. (heart beating) My life is flashing before my eyes. And for some reason, it's all just the sort of gay moments. ♪ ♪ Excuse me, is someone sitting here? Yes. My lover, Tom. (gasps) Oh, Peter! I'm so happy you're okay. Whoa, you're alive? What happened? Did I have a heart attack? No, you had a panic attack. Or, in medical terms, "a heart attack for wussies." Hey, we have a bet going. Do you remember if you put your wrist to your forehead like a nancy-boy when you fainted? I choose not to answer. Peter, you need to get your stress under control. I'm texting you a link to a collection of songs called yacht rock. Any time I'm feeling stressed, I play this music, and it really mellows me out. -I think it'll work for you. -Well, what is that? Is that like... (angry): ♪<i> Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.</i> ♪ No, no, it's more like... (mellow): ♪<i> La, da, da, da, da</i> ♪ ♪<i> Da, da, da, da, da.</i> ♪ Oh, good. It's... ♪<i> La, da, da, da, da</i> ♪ ♪<i> Da, da, da, da.</i> ♪ 'Cause I don't like that. (angry): ♪<i> Da, da, da, ba, ba, ba.</i> ♪ No, I assure you, it's... ♪<i> La, da, da, da</i> ♪ ♪<i> Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.</i> ♪ Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more music to prescribe to sick patients. -So, Peter, you feeling better? -Yeah, I guess. The doctor just said I'm too stressed out. Did the doctor give you anything to help, you know, mellow you out? <i> ¿Los drogas?</i> No, he just gave me this link for something called yacht rock. ("Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts playing) This one's called "Summer Breeze," and it makes me feel fine. This music-- I... I feel like I'm dirty dancing with a sunset. ♪ ♪ Uh, guys, there's a yacht rock cruise that leaves from the Quahog Marina tomorrow. And I'm not even kidding. You know what, guys? We haven't gone anywhere in a long time. So, let's do it. Cleveland, buy those tickets, 'cause the guys are going on a yacht rock cruise. -Yeah! -Awesome! Peter? Is that you? -Do I know you? -I-It's me. Lyle? From the other side of the aquarium? I-I... I don't-- I don't know you. I-I don't-- I don't know what you're talking about. <i> But I did know what he was talking about.</i> <i> I spent the next two and a half years</i> <i> cruising various aquariums.</i> <i> I never did find Lyle.</i> <i> Also, I didn't quite clear the table.</i> (indistinct chatter) I got to say, Peter, I had reservations about this cruise, but you do seem more relaxed. Hey, good thing I had reservations <i> on</i> this cruise, huh? (chuckles) I don't mind dad jokes. Everyone's included. Looks like mine won't be the only tail I'll be chasing this week. -(grunts) Hey. What the... -All dogs have to be crated below deck. (dogs barking) Stewie, help! I knew this was a possibility, so I put a 1982 Mattel Electronic Baseball game in your bag. Okay, that's something. The battery might be a little old, though. (electronic fanfare fades) (horn blows) Peter, you brought your family? This was supposed to be a guys' trip. -Please don't tell Donna. -Please don't tell Bonnie. She hasn't been -on a vacation in seven years. -She'll kill me if she knew wives were allowed. -Please, Lois, please. -Please, Lois. -Promise me. Here, look, -Promise me first. -I'm putting money -Here's my gun. Do you want it? -in your purse. -I-I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. I'm sending a selfie to Bonnie and Donna. Cruise, bitches. -Don't hit send, please don't hit send. -Please don't hit send. And... send. (phone chimes) You son of a bitch. -I told you. -What did he do now? He don't listen to you. He don't listen to you. (phone vibrates) What is it, Bonnie? Nothing, Father Monaghan. -Well, this sucks now. -Our whole trip's ruined, thanks to you, Peter. Thank God Bonnie's got Father Monaghan for spiritual counsel. Well, it's not my fault you guys are too stupid to understand what the plan was. -The plan was clear. You're the stupid one. -What? (overlapping arguing) ♪<i> Sailing takes me away...</i> ♪ -What were we fighting about? -I don't know. My cares have all suddenly melted away. Are my toes tapping? I feel like my toes are tapping. Nah, there's a seagull pecking at your foot. (squawking) Whenever I wear my Tevas, my toes are up for grabs. Hey, Cleveland, this is us. You guys got to stop by later. Snuck on a little of this action. What? You guys are sharing a room? You're adults. I'm not paying full price for a room. Have some self-respect. You're 40. (scoffs) It's not like we're gonna be in there much. Too busy scoping trim. I may bail to the room to catch a nap. Right behind you, roomie. After we wake, we gonna fire up that Keurig. Oh, yeah, that's why I brought along a couple of these babies. Wait, there's only one bed. I know. We're going head to toe. Say hello to your pillow. Hi there, do you know if singer and songwriter Bob Welch is on board yet? He's not, because he died in 2012. (gasps) Can you give me a moment? ♪<i> Sentimental gentle wind</i> ♪ ♪<i> Blowing through my life again...</i> ♪ I can't believe Bob Welch is really gone. ♪<i> Gentle one...</i> ♪ Hey... we just heard about Bob Welch. ♪<i> Blowing through my life again...</i> ♪ Yeah. Who the (bleep) is Bob Welch? (horn blows) (indistinct chatter) Okay, for the first game, I choose Alan Parsons as my teammate, but not The Project. I want nothing to do with them. We'll play Joe and Loggins. -Thanks for picking me, Peter. -No problem. "Crosby, Stills, Nash" to see who goes first? BOTH: Crosby, Stills, Nash, shoot. -Nash. I win. -No, Crosby eats Nash. -Stills snorts Crosby. -What does Nash do? Nash smokes Stills. So, Kenny, "Footloose." Not really a song for everyone. Well, maybe you'd prefer my song in<i> Caddyshack,</i> "I'm Alright." Wh-What, do you think I'm stupid because I'm in a chair? I'll pull the tape, guy. The gopher sang that song. This is so exciting. What do you want to do tonight? What if we just go see a movie? We can see a movie at home. We need to go out. Shake things up. We're here to experience new things, be other people. Mm-hmm. How much wine have you had tonight? Maybe we could hang out with that nice couple -we met the other day. -The Federmans? Why do you always want to hang out with other people when we're on vacation? It's just nice to meet new people. Right, because I'm so interested in the medical supply business. -Why do you always do that? -Do what? Diminish people. Oh, that's why. Well, I feel like this has become a referendum on me, and I don't appreciate it. Did you pack my dandruff shampoo? -No. -(sighs) Then I guess this black shirt is out. You just want to hang out with Doug Federman. What? That's... that's the wine talking. What does Doug Federman have that I don't? -A job. -(grunts) I'm going to watch the magic show in the Cognac Club. Why, because there's a two-drink minimum? Oh, you shut up! -(applause) -Thank you. For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer. -How about you, sir? -No, I don't want to! I don't want to do it. BOTH: Bell, Biv, DeVoe, shoot. -(laughs) Gotcha. -What do you mean? I win. Bell bivs DeVoe. Dude, you can't "biv" someone. Biv's a guy. Everybody on this cruise is boring. CHAD: I can show you where there's a whole pile of those. Cigarette butts? Yeah. The wind blows them all to this one spot. It's right by where the seagulls crap. It's my job to clean it up. That's how I know about it. You must know a lot about crap. You're not from here, are you? From the cruise? No. I'm from a town. You want to mess around on some damp towels next to where the seagulls crap? It wasn't seagulls. I got locked out of my room earlier. Oh. -Why is your poop white? -I don't know. I've been dealing with fecal albinism my whole life. ♪<i> All I want to do in the middle of the evening</i> ♪ ♪<i> Is hold you tight</i> ♪ ♪<i> Rosanna, Rosanna</i> ♪ ♪<i> I didn't know you were looking for more than</i> ♪ ♪<i> I could ever be...</i> ♪ Hey, what are you guys up to? We're making a food spread in room 103. Come on by. Grab some cocktail sauce on your way. Oh, wait. Never mind. Aah! Damn it. We're watching<i> Michael Clayton</i> on DVD later. Be there. (indistinct whispering) By the way, I, uh, heard about Bob Welch. I'm sorry. -Don't know what else to say. -(exhales) -Sending good vibes. -Yeah... Can you give me a moment? ♪<i> Sentimental gentle wind</i> ♪ ♪<i> Blowing through my life again</i> ♪ ♪<i> Sentimental Lady...</i> ♪ -Bob Welch? -Bob Welch. -Hey, aren't you the captain? -Yes. Well, if you're here, who's driving the boat? Oh, my God! (alarms beeping) Wow, I've never seen someone eat so many powdered Donettes in half an hour before. Yeah, I was really hungry, and I didn't like what they had at dinner. I think we may have solved your fecal albinism. I love you, Meg. Oh, my God, no one's ever told me that before. This is the best night of my li... (screaming) (grunts) (screaming) (chuckles) Listen to all those idiots fall. -Honey, don't revel in it. -Hey, I need this. I just found out Bob Welch died. ♪<i> Sentimental gentle wind</i> ♪ ♪<i> Blowing...</i> ♪ -Aah! What are we gonna do? -I don't know. And, look, Oates is hanging on to Hall for dear life. (grunting) What else is new? He's been doing that for 40 years. Ha, ha. Yeah, make fun of more people more successful than you. He's a millionaire. You're nothing. (crying, groaning) Oh, thank God we're all okay. Looks like Oates wasn't so lucky. (muffled crying, groaning) Guys, it's me, Kenny Loggins. First of all, I'm all right. Don't nobody worry about me. JOE: Gopher! This boat has flipped over. We need to get up to the hull. There's a spot in the propeller room where the hull's only an inch thick. Maybe we can try to cut our way out... (screaming) (shouts) MEG: Hey, you sons of bitches! This is Chad! He's my boyfriend. We love each other. We said it and everything. (stifled chuckling) A little help? (grunts) (grunts) (grunts) (grunts) (grunts) (shouting) (panting) Hi-yah! (grunts) (grunts) (grunts) Preesh. (screaming) Guys, we got to get out of here. ♪ ♪ -You're alive. -And well. We got to get out of here. The water levels are rising fast. I'll just grab an apple real quick. Granny Smith? What, do you got a oven in your mouth? -Huh? -Pie apple. It's a pie apple. I like a good Red Delicious. Oh, does your mouth have a lid on it? What are you talking about? That's a garbage apple. May as well eat a Honeycrisp. -What's wrong with that one? -Science apple. Made in a lab with test tubes and beakers. Well, what apples do<i> you</i> like? Fuji for eating, crab for huckin'. That's a prankster's apple. Gosh, Cleveland, I had no idea you knew so much about apples. -Hmm. Did you ever ask? -No, I guess I didn't. Hmm. ♪ ♪ (grunting) I can't open it! There's too much water pushing from the other side! So we're stuck? Yeah, unless we can somehow tip the boat. ♪<i> Maybe we can.</i> ♪ What are you talking about, Michael McDonald? ♪<i> The timbre in my voice</i> ♪ ♪<i> Allows me to communicate with whales.</i> ♪ ♪<i> Maybe they can help.</i> ♪ (high-pitched singing) ♪ ♪ (grunts) Oh, we-- oh, we found him. (bleep)! You guys left me down there to drown. Technically, we left you up there to drown. The boat flipped. You know what you did. I think the only way to teach you a lesson is to dog-shake and get you all wet. -No, Brian, don't! -I'm doing it. (overlapping protests) All right, we're even. (creaking) Well, we found the thinnest part of the hull, but it's still an inch thick. Yeah, of steel. How are we supposed to get through that? (dramatic music plays) (all inhale deeply) Man, that was crazy. I'm Casey Kasem. Coming in at number seven on the countdown, that was Peter Griffin with "Yacht Rocky," down three spots. Now for our number six. <i> CHORUS:</i> ♪<i> Number six.</i> ♪ We'll start with a letter from Melanie in Kansas. She writes, "Dear Casey, "is Christopher Cross as nice as he seems? "Also, aren't you dead? "And why did your large wife "hide your body from your children?" Well, the answer to your first question is a resounding yes. Christopher Cross is a perfect gentleman. And as for the second question, you're correct, Melanie. I'm extremely dead, and I do wish my children could have closure. Honey, if you're listening, please, just put my body in the ground. And now back to the countdown.