ships is that many of the struggles we had with our now ex partners, though they app struggles we had with our now ex partners, though they appeared circular and fruitless at the time, are likely to be precisely what will help them to become in the future ideal partners for someone else. It's the very difficulties we had, the arguments, blind spots, and stalemates that will prepare them for unions filled with insight, harmony, and serenity next time around. Unbeknownst to us, we may for a long time have been in the business of helping someone else to be very happy. There will typically be few signs of our unwittingly selfless groundwork. The fraud closing stages of the relationship are unlikely to have seemed like an emotional finishing school or a forum for psychological maturation. There might have been a succession of seemingly sterile fights when we question why they spent so much time obsessing about their brother or expecting their mother to rescue them. There might have been a variety of tense conversations about certain of their friends or their approach to work. We might have been accused of being mean or overly critical. Perhaps there was a sulk that lasted 12 hours and a moment when they called us a blockhead and we told them we wish we'd never met them even though or precisely because we love them so deeply. We can be charitable towards these choppy moments. Relationships typically involve sincere attempts by both partners to raise the other's level of self-awareness and empathy. None of us are perfect, and the arena in which these imperfections are first identified and grappled with is in the close-up conditions of love. The problem isn't our mutual educational intent, but the terrible way in which it's generally carried out. We're on the whole very poor teachers and equally bad students. In the teaching role, we spot multiple things in our partners, but are so worried that they won't understand and change, that we almost guarantee that they won't ever do so. We address them in high-handed, urgent moods. We forget that no one's ever learned anything by being humiliated. We try to get them to see a vital point in the middle of the night or when we're both exhausted or on the way to the airport or doctor's appointment. We forget to deploy humor and reassurance. We think it will help things if we spice up our lessons with phrases like, "And everyone else knows this about you, too." or "And you're exactly like your dad." And when we're in the student role, we're equally unimaginative, brittle, and hasty. We swiftly resent the partner for spotting something complicated in our characters that we know deep down does need addressing, and we disingenuously complain to our friends that our partners don't love us as we are, as though anyone should ever do such a thing. In fear, we regressively equate true love with boundless approval. We cannot allow that someone should both be deeply on our side and justly want to criticize us. Nevertheless, once the heat has gone out of the moment, once we've taken the decision to part and cried alone in our apartment over many weeks, some of the things we most wanted to get across to our partners, and they, to us, will finally have a chance to be absorbed. When the other is no longer in the vicinity, when a point isn't being made with vehements or insistence, it can become easier to think that yes, perhaps there might have been something to reflect on about one's relationship to a sibling or a parent, a friendship or a professional matter. Pride is no longer on the line. Dignity is no longer ruffled. When the classroom has been blown up and the teacher dismissed, homework can finally begin. And so months or years later, our ursw wild partner may arrive in a new relationship with the fault lines which we fought over with such agitation substantially healed. In their attractive outfit, which we bought with them, gazing into the middle distance, they may casually remark, "I had a few problems with my brother a while back, but uh that's all sorted out now." or they may, as they pour themselves a little more white wine, explain with uncommon suggestity that uh making time for personal life is very important to me now, however much I do enjoy my job, and the new partner will take to light in how extraordinarily grounded and poised their beloved appears to be in so many ways. It could sound like the grounds for bitterness, were it not for one redemptive detail. The process is likely to be two ways. With any luck, we too will eventually meet someone who appears entirely naturally to have a deep understanding of themselves, a mature way of relating to their flaws, and a deaf way of sailing over the complexities of their character. They will apologize before we even thought of saying anything. They'll seem miraculously open to feedback over certain topics, and their insight into the complexities of their pasts will ae us. will think that this is the way that they were born. No one will know and everyone will feel after so many tears with their tricky ex hugely blessed.