Are you a fearful avoidant attachment style and you're sick and tired of feeling the way that you do in relationships? Maybe you feel like relationships are always a roller coaster and some days you feel like you're all in and excited and optimistic and other days you feel really suspicious or overwhelmed or afraid of being abandoned or rejected in some sort of way and feel the need to really close yourself off. Well, if you're sick and tired of the roller coaster, the ups and downs of relationships, then in today's video, we are going to talk about what it takes to truly heal your attachment style. We'll cover five core components of major healing.
And my hope for you is that you walk away from this video today with tangible solutions that can improve the quality of your relationships, but most importantly, the relationship to yourself. I want you to first understand that anybody who tells you that fearful avoiding attachment style or disorganized attachment style cannot be healed just doesn't have the correct information about how the conscious versus subconscious mind works. And it's not that they, you know, aren't able to understand it. It's just that often this material is not really out there.
So I want to challenge that concept first, just based on the premise that you are not born with an attachment style. Research from a traditional attachment theory perspective tells us that our attachment style develops between the ages of zero to two years old. So how does it develop? Well, if you've ever heard of like the Pavlov's dogs experiment, you know, we get conditioned similar to the dog in that experiment and conditioning is essentially the process of being exposed to repetitive cognitive.
experiences or content that elicits an emotional response, which is firing and wiring neural pathways at a subconscious level. So as a child coming into the world between the ages of zero to two years old, you're exposed to repetitive experiences that are eliciting emotional responses and are conditioning you to take on beliefs about what attachment is, right? What it means to form human relationships and bonds. Now, These patterns get wired into you at a subconscious level, okay?
And they become a part of yourself, your identity, your self-concept, and also what you believe about other people in relationships and what you believe relationships are all about. Now, we have neuroplasticity, which essentially tells you that reconditioning can happen at any point in time. And so just leveraging off of that concept and idea, I'm actually going to break it down for you and tell you how it happens and what you can do to use this in a practical way so you can recondition.
what is not working for you. But, you know, because we have this, this dynamic, we can recondition patterns within ourselves, right? You've probably had the experience of at some point in time, having an unhealthy pattern, a fear, whatever it might be.
And then you really did some work on it. And it just so happened that you were able to tap in maybe indirectly to enough repetition and emotion over time that you got outside of your comfort zone, or you built a new habit. You know, you'll often hear this idea that it takes 21 days to create a new habit. What that's saying is it takes 21 days to sort of hardwire more so a new subconscious paradigm through repetition, emotion.
And what happens as well is when we stop feeding into old paradigms, they atrophy over time. So today, in this video specifically, I'm actually going to take you through some slides. I want to do a deep dive with you into just understanding how you can recondition what's not serving you. I think this is one of the most important things, largely under discussed.
I mean, the entire personal development school, by the way, like. I know that, you know, I try to make videos that gain a lot of insight in here and can help provide supportive resources and understanding. But it's only really through like our courses that I can go in depth in terms of taking you through exercises that are centered around reconditioning. And that's what the whole PDS is all about.
Right. If you want to check it out, you can go in for free for seven days. You can recondition every any area of your life that's in there.
It's tools for each area. But I want to challenge something else, which is that. there's a lot of discussion out there, right? Like you might go into a therapist or a counselor's office and there are a lot of modalities out there right now from a lot of different approaches. Um, and there's some really wonderful stuff out there, but you know, if you just look at the traditional idea of talk therapy, you can go into, you know, a person's office and you can sit down and you can hash out a painful program.
You can say, well, this painful thing happened when I was 12 years old and I felt really not good enough. Um, But when you leave. You know, you might've acknowledged and had some context for things, which can be fairly useful in certain ways, but you still have this idea that you're not good enough, right? Because of that painful event.
And the injustice of this is that when we don't learn how to recondition programs, we adopt programs all the way back in childhood. And they stay with us our whole lives. If we have painful programming until we do reconditioning work, you didn't just live the painful, good, not good enough event. Once you may have relived it thousands of times in a variety of different contexts.
And that belief. that's a program and a part of your self-concept got activated. So what I want to take you through right now is a bit of a different understanding. And I'm going to dive into a slide here with you. And this is going to cover first what we call BTEA.
Okay. Now this is actually all based off of integrated attachment theory work where I've actually broken down. It's trademark work that I've done at PDS where we've trademarked the different. core beliefs associated with each attachment style, the needs, the emotional patterns, and a few other features about attachment styles, the relationship to their boundaries, their coping mechanisms, and the entire integrated attachment theory dynamic is about how to recondition these patterns to become secure.
And it works. It's very easy. It's very practical and it works. Now it's commitment required. The person has to show up and do the reconditioning work, but you know, 21 days, right?
For new habits. So BTEA stands for beliefs, thoughts, emotions, action. Okay.
So the idea here is that if you are a fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style, these are some of the core beliefs you acquire. Okay. These ideas, because of the different pain points you're exposed to a big one being, I will be betrayed because of a lot of the, um, you know, chaos and childhood in different forms and feeling like you couldn't really trust caregivers.
I am unworthy. I'm weak. I'll be abandoned.
I'll be trapped. You know, you see these different core beliefs that are often there. Some of them fearful avoidance don't consciously recognize as easily like the, I am bad. Um, but you'll see it in your behavior a lot, right? You'll see that the B here, BTA, BTEA is beliefs.
Okay. Now you'll see in, in your behavior that you're often trying to prove that you're good or, you know, prove that you're a good girl or a good boy, or, you know, through your early childhood and then into your adult life. Some of these same patterns continue through people pleasing, being boundary lists, you know, things like this. Um, you'll see it as well. I'm unworthy.
You may not. consciously think these thoughts, but your subconscious has these stored programs. So you may show up and try to prove your worth in the world, right? Overcompensate a lot. I am unsafe.
You may not feel like that, but if you look at your behaviors, you may find that you overprotect yourself at times. You become too reactive to things, right? So those are all signifiers of having these belief patterns all bubbling beneath the surface. Now, something else you really need to know. The conscious mind is responsible for roughly three to 5% of your beliefs.
thoughts, emotions, actions, your subconscious mind and unconscious mind collectively are responsible for 95 to 97%. Another thing you should know is the conscious mind can't outwill or overpower the subconscious mind. So if you've ever had the experience when these are all really important things. So I'm all, I know I speak quickly. You can always put this on like half the speed or whatever the YouTube settings below.
Um, but, but something else you need to know is that Um, you know, if you've ever tried to, you feel bad and you're like, I want to just feel better. I just want to will myself to feel better where you've got a bad habit, right? An addiction of some sort, let's say a gambler, or I just want to stop gambling.
It's not possible. Your conscious mind may want that, but your subconscious, it doesn't just work because you snap your fingers. That's because the hub of our beliefs, our thoughts, our emotions, our actions, which is what BTEA stands for exists at the level of subconscious mind.
So when we're trying to change anything, we have to recondition it and we have to deal with that at the subconscious level. We can't just think about it. We have to ingrain it.
Okay. So BTEA stands for beliefs, thoughts, emotions, actions. Beliefs lead to thoughts. Okay. If I believe I'm not good enough, I might have thoughts like I'm not smart enough, interesting enough, funny enough.
Right. If I believe that I will be betrayed or I can't trust, right. Which is the core belief of. fearful avoidant right here.
Um, if we believe that, then what happens? You think, Oh, that something changed with that person. I don't know. Can I trust them? Can I not trust them?
We have all these thoughts connected to this core belief. Okay. Core belief comes from our repetition plus emotion, repeated experiences in childhood that fired and wired a program at the subconscious level of mind.
So beliefs lead to thoughts, thoughts lead to emotions. How do you feel when you think you're going to be betrayed? suspicious, afraid, nervous, uncomfortable, upset, angry, right? Hurt.
How do you feel when you're not, when you think I'm not good enough, you feel, you know, insecure, anxious, sad, rejected. You feel these different types of emotions. Now, emotions are actually also made up of neurochemical reactions. So, you know, on a side note, it's also very important to recognize that if you're feeling like I am unsafe, you may have elevated levels of cortisol, norepinephrine, right?
These fight or flight responses. I think it's very useful. And that's another not talked about enough experience in psychology, um, because a lot of our neurochemical balances and balances have roots of, of being deeply affected by our belief in thought patterns.
Um, and there's other things that affect it as well, but that's a big one. Um, And then we have actions. B-T-E-A-A stands for actions. I just wanted to pop in here and let you know, we are doing a seven day free trial to the all access membership pass at PDS, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school.
And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that, you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication, boundaries, emotional mastery.
guilt and shame, learning your needs, so many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. Please join me on the other side, come check it out, see if it's a bit for you. I'd love to see you there.
Go ahead and sign up by clicking the link in the description box below. So from an action perspective, what's really interesting is that neuroscience has proven, a neuroscientist named Antonio Damasio has proven that every single action we take is based on our emotional state. So if you are somebody who thinks that you're a very logical, rational thinker, you may have a lot of logical and rational justifications, but guess what?
Your emotions are actually driving your decisions more than anything else. So you can think of BTEA as being like this sort of dynamic of unfolding events. Now there's more to it than this. This is a simplified version of this right now. Cause again, I have this short YouTube video to share this.
You know, you can have beliefs that directly get activated, go right into an emotional response. When you sort of have those instantaneous reactions to things you can have unmet needs that trigger emotional patterns and actions there's, you know, but this is one huge pillar of what's driving us all the time. So it's really important. Like you have a mind, we all have a brain and Nobody teaches us the user manual for it, right?
Like we don't get to learn how to regulate our thoughts or emotions or actions and our beliefs. So when we're trying to change our belief patterns, we have to dig, or if we want to change really like our actions, right? Like let's look at BTEA unfolding here for a moment first.
If you've ever felt afraid of abandonment, right? Let's say this core belief is triggering. Somebody's pattern changes and right away. The mind tries to go, okay, let's see, we open our subconscious filing cabinet. What is the pattern changing?
What does it mean? Means I'm about to be abandoned. Okay.
Cause those are your stored past experiences about attachment. These are the beliefs that are, or there's a catalyst for them to be activated. Then you start thinking, oh my gosh, I can't believe this. They're pulling away.
I can tell what are they doing? Are they not interested in me any longer? You've got these thought patterns that are active. Then you start feeling afraid, anxious, you know, sad, hurt.
and desperate, you know, these different emotions that are just a normal part of the human experience. And then what do you do? Maybe you activate, right? Maybe your actions become to cling, to hold on.
Your conscious mind is not intentionally thinking these things. Your conscious mind isn't like, oh, what should I do? How should I act?
These things are happening on autopilot. They're, you know, sparking out of the subconscious mind. And we actually have a lot of programmed actions or behaviors that are coping mechanisms associated with each attachment style. So you can see the whole chain of events. right?
I am bad. You can see how fearful when you feel like you are bad. Um, this belief is activated. You're like, Oh no, they think I'm a bad person. You start thinking thoughts like that.
You start thinking, Oh my gosh, they probably think I'm this terrible person. You know, they must think that I'm just awful. I can't believe they think this about me. And then what do you do? You feel like, you know, negative emotion around it.
And then maybe you people, please don't have to show them otherwise I should, you know, you cope in your actions to try to equilibrate for this at some level. Um, and Every single one of these belief patterns has its own train. And different attachment cells have a sort of different route that they take.
But I'm not good enough, right? I'm not interesting enough. Oh, I feel sad and rejected. I pull away because nobody's going to think I'm interesting at the networking event I hide, right?
That can be your action. Or I try to overcompensate to prove that I'm good enough. Maybe I talk about myself too much and how special I am, right? You can see the different dynamics of different people.
And I'm sure you can relate to people in your life who may do these things. So. The first thing here is to recognize that this pattern is happening. And the second thing is once you've isolated your major patterns to know that you can recondition these things. You know, we have students coming into our school all the time that come in and say, I have most of these core wounds.
I have most of these painful beliefs. And over time, I end up saying I reprogrammed all my core wounds. They're gone. I've personally been there.
And it doesn't mean that you don't feel these things sometimes. It doesn't mean that, you know, if somebody criticizes you in a painful way that you're not like. like, Ooh, I don't feel good enough in this situation, but it's, it's like a one or two out of 10. And it's more objective than subjective, right? It's not like somebody is cold and you're like, Oh, it's my boss thinking I'm not good enough.
You don't leap to these conclusions. It may be that you get feedback about something and you're like, you know what, that actually wasn't good enough and can be improved upon. And it doesn't feel so good.
Right. But, but it's more objectively aligned with what's happening. So, um, realizing that this has already been a kind of long video. I'm going to go into a part two of this for fearful avoidance.
And what I'm going to show you is some key and crucial steps for actual reconditioning. And maybe I'll kind of loop in dismissive avoidance to that one, but really being able to unpack these tools, understand how reprogramming takes place is very valuable. So please let me know if you like these slides, if you prefer some of these slides on the YouTube channel from time to time.
I mean, we have tons of them from all the different courses. It's pretty easy for me to just pull them up sometimes, but I hope this makes a lot of sense. And, uh, and yeah, let me know future questions you have, and I'll see you in part two of the, the in-depth reconditioning. Thank you so much for watching.